Connor crept into the library, looking around for his group. They were supposed to be meeting at seven and it was just now turning. He spotted the back of Jake's head and Caitlyn and Alicia were standing next to him. He approached them slowly, looking around for Brandy, but he didn't see her. She would be the most noticeable – at nearly six feet tall with a habit of wearing high heels, Brandy caught eyes no matter where she went. Alicia saw him first and she smiled brightly at him.

"Hey, Connor, how was your day?" she asked.

"It was good. How was yours?"

"It was really nice. My friends and I found a party to go to after we finish up here. Jake said we'd only be here about an hour, right, Jake?"

Jake just shrugged. "Just to get a start on some ideas and what not. There's not a lot we can spend time on tonight."

Caitlyn checked her watch. "Brandy's probably plastered somewhere. Let's just start without her."

They moved on to a study room. It was like the one that Connor had been in with Jude on Wednesday, but with three other people in there with him, Connor found it way too small and far too claustrophobic. He took a seat at the far end of the table so that he would be out of people's way and so that he wouldn't have to share a side of the table with anyway. Alicia happily put herself in the seat next to him and tried to slide her chair closer. Caitlyn was on his other side, but Connor had noticed that she didn't seem to be the touchy-feely type. He slid his chair just a little closer to hers and, as he'd hoped, she slid away so that they both had the bubble they wanted.

In the end, they only sat together for forty minutes. They'd gone over the project expectations, tossed around some ideas, and wondered where Brandy was. It hadn't been as terrible as Connor had imagined it to be, but by the end of the forty minutes, he was dying to escape. The room was hot and, even though he knew that Alicia and Caitlyn hadn't moved any closer to him, it felt like they had. It felt like they'd been closing in all night.

"Let's go," Jake finally said, swinging the door open.

Connor gasped in relief, but he took his time packing up his bag. He couldn't bring himself to shove by Alicia and Caitlyn on his way out. Caitlyn was up and out the door after Jake, so Connor slung his bag over his shoulder and took that way out. Alicia left at the same time as he did and kept pace with him as he headed down the library stairs toward the front door.

"So, what are you plans for tonight?" she asked.

"Just heading back to my room."

"You could come to the party."

"Oh. No, thank you."

"Connor, come on." She grabbed at his arm and Connor took a stumbling step back. "What's with you?"

"Just don't like being touched."

''I'm not that bad at it," she said, but she had a smile on her face, and Connor let out a sigh of relief. He was generally better around women than around men but he still didn't invite touches in. "The party will be fun."

"Not really a fan."

"We could have our own party."

Oh. She was trying to flirt with him. "No, thank you. I, um, I'm with someone."

"She doesn't have to know." Alicia took a step toward him and, once again, Connor moved out of her way. "You're hot, I'm hot, there's nothing wrong with us having fun."

"He and I are happy," Connor said.

"Wait," she said, and placed her hands on her hips. "Are you, like, gay or something?"

"I am," Connor admitted.

"That is disgusting! What the hell is wrong with you?"

Before Connor could come up with anything to say, she'd turned on her heel and started off toward the library parking lot. Connor stood there until her bright red bun had disappeared and then he slunk back to his room. Once he was inside, he called his father.

"Hey! How are you?"

"Dad, is there something wrong with me?"

"Something wrong with you? No. Why?"

"I'm gay."

"I know."

When Connor had first said those words, Adam had reacted like there was something wrong with him. Gay wasn't an option for Adam Stevens's son. Being ostracized by his father had made him turn to his ex in the first place and it was the hard living conditions at home had made it easy for Connor to be convinced that it was fine to move in with his ex. After all, it couldn't have been worse than Adam's outright refusal to accept it and the continued comments about heterosexuality. Adam brought up Connor finding a girlfriend, Connor's future wife, and Connor's future biological children every time that Connor turned around.

"Do you think there's something wrong with me?" Connor repeated.

"No."

"Do you think it's disgusting that I'm gay?"

"No."

"You did."

"Yes. Connor, what's going on?"

"A girl asked me to go with her to a party and then she said that we should have sex. I told her that I was gay. She said I was disgusting."

"You're not. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Being gay isn't disgusting. She was probably feeling a little rejected and she didn't say the right thing, that's all. It doesn't make it okay to say but it's not your fault that she did. Even if you weren't gay, you still have the right to say no to her."

"Actually, Dad, what I told her is that I was with someone and he and I were happy together."

"So … you and Jude decided that you're in a relationship?"

"No. I-I'm not comfortable calling it that. But, he and I are still … together, in a way. I know he's not with anyone else the way he is with me and I'm not with anyone else the way I am with him."

"Being on the same page is what matters. Mutual respect matters. I'm worried that things will turn out how you did before. I know you say that he's different and I want to trust you on that but I'm worried."

"He's different, really. He does respect me, I know it. I hope you see what I see in him."

"Does that mean I'm going to meet him?" Adam asked. "You didn't let me meet the last one."

"He hated the thought of meeting you. Which … may have been a red flag."

"Probably," Adam agreed.

"I haven't mentioned meeting you. I don't think he'd have a problem with it."

"Well, I'll be down to pick you up before our Christmas trip," Adam said. "If he hasn't gone home by then, maybe we could go to dinner."

"Christmas is kind of far away."

"Do you think he'll still be around?"

It took Connor a moment to realize that Adam was talking about Jude still being in his life, rather than being around campus. "I'd like him to be."

"For what it's worth, he seems like a fine person from what you've told me. He seems to be … acting properly." Adam sounded as awkward as his phrasing was. He continued, "I like how he hasn't seemed to stop you from doing things, like classes, the gym, and talking to me. Things like that stopped very quickly with the last one."

"Jude doesn't want to hurt me. Jude … helps me do things."

"It seems that way. Are you doing anything with him anytime soon?"

"Yes. He's taking me on a … d-date tomorrow."

"Where?"

"He's surprising me. He told me that it wasn't going to be going to the movies or going to get food."

"It sounds like an exciting day."

"I'll tell you about it," Connor promised.

"And everything has been okay with him? I've been worried since you told me about that extra therapy session."

"I'm fine," Connor said. "Just not as fine as I like to think I am sometimes."

"Hmm. Take your time, Connor. It's all right."

"Thanks, Dad. I think I'm figuring it out … What are you doing tonight?"

"It's just a night at home, as usual. Is there anything else on your mind?"

"No. Yours?"

"Not really. Just that I'm glad you're doing as well as you are. I'm proud of you."

"You say that a lot."

"I mean it a little bit more every time."

"Thank you."

"I'll let you get on with your night, okay?"

"Okay," Connor agreed.

"Goodbye, Connor. I love you."

"You too. Bye."

Connor put his phone down and spun his desk chair around so that he was actually facing his desk. He pulled out one of his textbooks and his notes from the lecture. He spent the rest of his night combining the two into a full set of notes. It was a lot better than some of the nights he had and he found it more appetizing than going to a party. There was a method to what he was doing, a set pattern that he could follow, and he found that comforting. He heard from Jude while he was on his break at work, and they spent the short time talking about Jason, who apparently had a new trainee that Jude had a lot of sympathy for. Connor went to bed shortly after their text conversation and had a restful sleep. He was up early the next morning, as he always was, taking his time to make himself a breakfast of bacon and eggs. He wished for a little more counter space, and then he thought of how great it had been to cook in Jude's kitchen. If he asked, Jude would let him cook there again.

At eleven fifty-seven, Jude texted him. Connor put his wallet in his back pocket and grabbed a sweater before padding down eleven flights of stairs. Seeing Jude made him feel happy and, once he was in Gerald, he reached over and brushed his fingers against Jude's bare forearm. Jude was just wearing a t-shirt today and Connor felt an admiration about that. He wore t-shirts under his button ups, which, though he usually left open, he made sure never to roll up the sleeves. It left him feeling vulnerable and exposed. But Jude … Connor could touch his bare skin and flip his arm over to see the blue veins.

"Hello to you too," Jude said.

"Oh! Sorry. Hi."

"Having a good day?" Jude asked.

"Mhmm."

"Good. I hope you'll like where I'm taking you."

"I'm sure I will."

"If not, we'll just go get ice-cream."

"I like that too."

"What did you do last night?" Jude asked.

Connor quickly summed up his encounter with Alicia and then his phone call with his father. Jude was silent, seemingly concentrating on driving, even after Connor finished his story. Connor wasn't used to Jude being quiet – Jude always knew what to say to him. He leant his head against the car window and waited. He started nervously fidgeting with his shirt sleeve.

"What do you think?" Jude asked. "Do you think you're disgusting?"

"I … I did, for a while. Um, between what my dad said when I was younger and the way that, um, he … like, not, he, my dad, you know … Anyway, um, the way he would talk to me, I really … hated being gay. It was, actually, one of the first things my therapist and I worked on. Um, she said I had to learn to like myself b-before anything else. So, now, I … don't hate myself for it."

"Do you like it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you like being gay? Do you like yourself for it?"

"Sometimes. On good days. It would be easier to not be. A lot of my life could have been better if it weren't for it. B-but I'm working on it. And if I weren't gay, I wouldn't have gotten to kiss you and I like that."

"You only like kissing me?" Jude asked, and his tone was so light that Connor smiled.

"And holding your hand and cuddling with you and going places with you and talking to you …" Connor trailed off, feeling his cheeks heat.

"Another question," Jude said.

"Oh. Okay."

"Would you want me to meet your dad?"

"Only if you wanted to …" Connor's voice dropped to a whisper as he added, "It would mean a lot to me if you wanted to."

"I do. I want us to be … together, like that. You know that."

"We're together, though, right? Like I told my dad …" Connor bit down heavily on the inside of his cheeks. He'd been wrong. Of course he'd been wrong. Jude wouldn't think of them as together until Connor could say the word boyfriend. Connor didn't like the idea of using a defining term but, as contradictory as it seemed, he liked the idea of he and Jude being together. With Jude, together seemed more like … a partnership, with two people standing on the same side, rather than a game, where Connor was always losing.

"Of course we are. I'm all yours, Connor."

"Where are we going?" Connor asked, unsure of how else to respond to Jude.

"You will see in about … ten more minutes."

Connor went back to staring out the window. He had never been in this part of town before. Things were less residential than he was used to. There were small shops, which seemed to be more privately owned than chain stores. Connor liked the look of them better. They seemed more inviting and they fit the small, college area better than bigger chains. At least, that was Connor's opinion. He liked this place; he thought that it looked cozy. It was why he had picked here, instead of any of the other universities he could have gone to. He looked away from the street and over to Jude's profile, lit by the noon day sun. He was glad that he was here with Jude, sitting on Gerald's old grey seats.

Jude found a parking spot along one of the streets. Connor slipped from his seat and almost walked straight into the parking meter. Jude saw his little kerfuffle and laughed, but Connor was able to smile about it too, since it never felt like Jude was laughing at him. Rather, it felt like Jude was laughing with him. Jude gestured him down the street and, when Connor reached his side, Jude reached for his hand.

"Oh! But we're in public."

"Oh. I know you said not in public but with the way you held me in front of the library, I thought that it might be okay now."

Connor was glad that they were walking so that Jude didn't have the ability to stare at his face. It made thinking about things and, ultimately, admitting to things a lot easier. "I didn't know if you'd want to."

"And now I'm confused."

"Well … It's stupid to say it now."

"Why's that? I don't think what you have to say is stupid."

"Just … with everything you've said to me. You're different."

"Connor?"

"You … you don't want to be with anyone else. You … don't hate the thought of holding my hand in public because you're not looking for someone else to sleep with you and you think I'll get in the way."

"Did that happen often?"

"No. Not really. I told you … I didn't go many places with him anyway. But the few times it happened still hurt."

"Of course it did. Oh, Connor, I'd be more than proud to hold your hand. Actually, I've got this tiny possessive streak that wants to make sure everyone knows we're together. Even if you won't call me 'boyfriend'."

"It doesn't bother you, does it?"

"Nope. Like we've said, we're together."

Connor had this small voice in the back of his head that told him that this was a bad idea and that he was going to get in trouble for it. He reached out and gently touched his fingers to Jude's wrist. Soon, they were holding hands and walking down the street together. And, Connor couldn't believe it, but he was smiling about it.

"Well, here we are," Jude said. "It's not much but it's a pretty interesting little place."

Connor looked around. They were standing just outside of a little nook of shops, all set up in a pattern around one another. It was small and homey. From here, Connor could spot a breakfast place, a place that was advertising handmade pottery, and an artist's shop. There were several small areas that looked like courtyards, lined with benches and small trees. Connor could spot a crowed beginning to gather in one of them, with a man standing on a makeshift stage, backed against a large red building.

"Can we go see what he's doing?" Connor asked Jude.

"Sure. I'm here to follow you around. And tell you that we have to go to Benny's Donuts before we leave."

Connor made sure that he had a firm grip on Jude's hand and then he tugged him forward. They weaved through the street until they had reached the small courtyard. Connor had to stand on his toes to try and view the stage – he wasn't a small man, but there were taller people around and he wasn't one to press into the crowd to get a better look. Jude tugged on his hand and, though Connor was trying to watch the card trick the magician was trying to perform, he let Jude move him away. They circled around to where the crowd met the building. They were mostly to the man's back, so the crowd wasn't nearly as thick. Jude stood on Connor's left, where he was met with the crowd, and the building was on Connor's right. Jude's arm rested around his waist and Connor felt safe here. He watched as the magician performed a few more card tricks, made a cigarette disappear from a smoking man in the crowd, and then, the one Connor liked the most: he picked up an empty soda can and managed to get soda to pour back out of it!

"We have time for a few more tricks!" he said. He spun around in a circle and his eyes landed on Connor and Jude. He sauntered up to Jude. "Do you have a wallet?"

"Sure." Jude dropped his hand from Connor's waist and Connor felt nudges at his side as Jude patted his pockets. "I … had my wallet."

"Maybe your friend took it," the magician suggested.

"Me? I wouldn't –" Connor reached around to his back pocket. He felt his wallet in his left pocket, where he usually carried it, and then, in his back right pocket, there was something that also felt like a wallet. He pulled it out and glanced at Jude.

"That's mine!"

Connor handed it back over to Jude. "I didn't even … feel that."

The magician grinned. "Why don't you open it up?"

Jude warily cracked his wallet open and Connor took a quick step back as a dove exploded from between the folds. The bird settled itself on the magician, who smiled as the crowd clapped, and the magician bowed.

"Thank you! Thank you! I am Magic Mike … No, not that Magic Mike! I do another show, right here, at four!"

The crowd began to disperse and Connor faced Jude, loitering so that they didn't get caught up in the middle of it.

"How do you think he did it?"

Jude only shrugged. "It's magic! Do you need to know?"

"I like knowing things," Connor replied.

"But it's magic!"

"What's next?"

"Whatever you want."

"I don't know what's here, Jude."

"Walk with me, then."

Jude offered Connor his hand again and Connor didn't hesitate to take it. They walked down the little streets, eating a small lunch of wraps and onion rings. They visited the artist's gallery, but his specialty was scenery painting and, while Connor could recognize the artist's talent, it just wasn't the type of art that he could spend long periods of time looking at. The handmade pottery shop was more interesting, if only because people were allowed to watch the pottery being made and painted. Connor thought it was fascinating. The woman who minded the part of the shop responsible for actually selling items approached them.

"We do pottery classes! They start at the beginning of every month! Sign up soon! Spots tend to go very quickly." She handed Jude a bright orange flyer.

"Thank you," he said sincerely.

"Excuse me," she said, and flitted over to the cash register to tend to two women.

"Want to take a pottery class?" Jude asked.

"I can't tell if you mean that," Connor said.

"Eh, I don't like feeling like a spectacular failure so I don't think I do. But if you wanted to, I wouldn't be opposed to doing it with someone."

"Well, not this month."

"Agreed," Jude said. "Let's go see what else there is to explore."

They found a model of the university, which Connor liked. He'd never thought of campus looking like that before. They didn't linger and they walked on, continuing beyond a yarn shop that neither of them had any interest in and a florist shop which had several different kinds of cactuses sitting out front. Jude nudged Connor at the sight, and Connor became distracted. He didn't know why he'd picked cactuses of all things to fixate on. He picked up a small plant that look like a ball with spikes.

"I thought you said you were out of room," Jude said.

"Well … maybe if I opened my blinds it would be able to survive on my counter."

"You don't open your blinds!?"

Connor shook his head.

"That means that a guy who lives in the basement has more natural light than you," Jude teased.

"Oh well," Connor said. He went to put the cactus down, but Jude stayed his hand.

"If you want the cactus, buy the cactus. What's one more going to hurt?"

"You shouldn't encourage my bad habits," Connor said, but he cradled the cactus in the palm of his hand and headed into the shop.

"If this is the only bad habit you have, I think it's fine to encourage it."

Connor really didn't think that it was his only bad habit but he kept his mouth closed. Jude would find out soon enough how terrible he was. Connor wanted to savour this one nice thing. He paid for his cactus and then turned around to find Jude. Jude was staring at a potted tree that was roughly his own height.

"Buying a tree?" Connor asked.

Jude quickly shook his head. "I don't know where I'd put it. I was just thinking … Do people really keep trees in their house?"

"Why not? You could probably put it over by your bookshelf."

"I don't think it would fit in Gerald," Jude said. "It's just strange."

"Yeah, maybe."

"Ready?"

Connor nodded and they headed back out of the florist shop. It was nearly four in the afternoon and they'd walked all over the place. Connor was starting to yearn to be off the streets and somewhere that was decidedly less crowded and quieter. He felt a thrill of nervousness as he asked Jude if he was ready to go. Jude might not be ready. He might be disappointed that Connor wanted to leave when he had chosen this place to bring Connor. But Jude just agreed and reminded Connor about the donut shop. The donut shop was larger than Connor had expected it to be; he'd thought that it was going to be another small in the wall place, but it was large and brightly lit. The donuts were all displayed in glass cases.

"Pick three," Jude said.

"What?"

"I'm getting a box of six so pick three you want."

"Oh. Thank you."

He picked out a chocolate raspberry, powdered honey, and a cinnamon and vanilla. He happily carried the box for Jude as they walked back to Gerald.

"Do you want to go home or do you want to come with me?" Jude asked as they started driving.

"Oh. With you? Actually, I was thinking … I could make dinner for us."

"I'd really love that," Jude said. "Does that mean we should stop at the grocery store?"

"Probably."

They quickly ducked into the grocery store and Connor quickly gathered up what he wanted. They were in and out in fifteen minutes and then they were in Jude's apartment. Connor felt happy and comfortable here, and he only felt like he was a little bit of intruder as he put groceries in Jude's fridge while Jude packed his cupboards. He closed the fridge door and turned around to face Jude.

"So, was it a good day?"

"Yeah. I really liked it." Connor reached out and took both of Jude's hands in his own and then he started pulling Jude closer. "Did you like it?"

"I liked it a lot."

Connor slipped into Jude's hug. He settled both of his arms around Jude's waist, though Jude ran one of his arms diagonally across Connor's back and had the other around his middle.

"I just like spending time with you, though."

Jude kissed the top of Connor's head and Connor felt goosebumps rise on his skin, but they weren't the bad kind of goosebumps. He looked up at Jude and touched Jude's jawline, tracing it. Jude smiled, truly undisturbed by the touch. Connor slipped his hand to the back of Jude's neck and, before he asked for the kiss, Jude's lips were on his. Jude's hand on his back pulled him even closer and Connor gave into him until he felt like his heart was going to thud out of his chest and he pulled away, putting his head back against Jude's shoulder.

"Let's go watch something," Jude suggested.

When they sat down on the couch, Jude was on the opposite end and Connor felt disappointed. He'd thought that Jude was going to sit close. He wondered if it would be okay to reach for him. Jude had told him that he liked being touched. Jude always seemed happy when Connor wanted to cuddle him. It was always Connor that was pulling away or messing things up. His hands were a little shaky but he reached out and touched Jude's arm anyway. Jude turned to face him, his brown eyes so warm that Connor felt like he was going to melt every time Jude looked at him.

"I was hoping we could lay like we did last weekend," Connor whispered.

"Sure," Jude agreed. "If you think you'll be okay."

"I know it."

Connor put his feet up on the couch and Jude curled against his side, his back against the back of the couch. He had his head high up on Connor's shoulder, so Connor leant his head against the top of Jude's. He carefully put his hand against Jude's side and then he moved his fingers up and down; lying like this, he could feel Jude's ribs.

"This really doesn't bother you?" Connor asked.

"No. But if you're not careful, it's going to tickle."

"So if I go like this instead …" Connor moved his hand again and Jude burst into giggles. He dug his hand into Connor's side, hiding his face away in Connor's shirt. Connor stopped the tickling nearly as soon as he'd begun. "I like hearing you laugh."

Jude kissed his cheek. Connor turned his head and then he and Jude were kissing again. Connor's eyes drifted shut as they kissed. He felt Jude shift at his side, rising a little so he could deepen the kiss. It would have been fine, if Jude hadn't brought one of his hands up by Connor's hand to steady himself. In an instant, Connor felt his body go cold.

"Please, don't," he whimpered into their kiss.

"Don't? What did I –" Jude pushed himself upward and then looked over at his arm. Quickly, he pulled it back into his lap, sitting up as he did so. "I'm so sorry, Connor. I-I forgot."

Connor began to shake and he curled himself up into a ball. He shut his eyes, but all he saw was a hand that was decidedly not Jude's reaching for him and he felt like he was going to throw up. He hung his head down and stared at the blue of his jeans. He tried to control his breathing, but he couldn't get control of anything. He jumped as something touched his shoulders and his head flew up, his flight response about to kick in. But then he just started to cry when he realized that Jude had wrapped the plaid blanket around him.

"I know it helps."

Connor just cried harder.

"I'm going to get you some water," Jude said. "It's okay. Just breathe. I'm sorry."

Connor pulled the blanket up over his head as Jude walked away. He sucked in a few breaths as the air around him became warm and he tried to control himself enough to focus on Jude's movements. He wanted to distract himself and listening to Jude clink around a glass was all he had. He didn't want to think about hands … near his face … near his neck … He grabbed onto his head, scratching himself with his own nails as he bit back a scream. There was no else. He was his own. No one was going to grab him or touch him and he would never have to live through last December again. That was over. It was over.

Jude put the glass down on the coffee table and Connor flinched at how close the sound was.

"I'm sorry. I … let me know if you want to go home, okay? Or if there's anything else that I can do."

"Okay," Connor squeaked.

He hated how he sounded. He hated that he lived like this. He hated that, ten months later, one innocent movement by a boy he liked could send him spiralling backward. He didn't want to be this person anymore. He wanted to be happy and secure. He didn't want to have to think twice and he didn't want Jude to have to think twice either. He wanted that so badly that he nearly began to cry all over again. He could work hard and get better, logically he knew that, but he also knew that he might never be the person he was supposed to be. He might never be perfectly fine; he might never find out who he would have been if his ex had never walked into his life.

When Connor no longer felt like he was going to explode, he carefully poked his head out of the blanket. Jude was sitting on the opposite side of the couch and when he saw Connor looking at him, he smiled tentatively, but it was quickly dropped as he apologized again.

"I wasn't thinking. I didn't mean to."

"I know. I …" Connor's voice was shaking and he sucked in a deep breath, trying to cover his trembling. He balled his hands up into fists and then slowly let his muscles relax. "I will be all right." He made sure to keep his voice and tone measured this time. He sounded better to his own ears.

"Anything I can do?" Jude asked. "Do you want to go home?"

"Running away won't solve anything," Connor replied.

"It's not running away if it's taking care of yourself."

But Connor couldn't abandon Jude. Not after what he did last Sunday.

"We can m-make dinner now," Connor suggested. It was nearly six. His breakdown had lasted far too long. "I can do that."

"You don't have to."

"I want to be here with you," Connor said, because that much was true. "I … want to."

Connor watched Jude's face carefully. Here, Jude could either say that Connor was going home because he believed it what was best for Connor or could he could listen to what Connor was saying, no matter how fine Connor actually seemed. Connor shouldn't have doubted Jude for a minute, because Jude just shook his head.

"I'm not going to force you out the door if you want to stay. I just want you to know the option's there."

"Thanks," Connor said. "I know."

It was a good thing to know. He liked how Jude reminded him of it. It was as comforting as the blanket around his shoulders. He didn't even think Jude knew how wonderful the effect was. It made him feel warm and cared for. It made Connor think that this was how people were supposed to live.

"Would you like some help making dinner?" Jude offered. "I'll prove to you I'm trainable."

Connor's smile was half-forced. He knew that Jude was just trying to make him feel better, but he just wasn't ready to enjoy it yet. "We can try."

He stood up and carefully folded the blanket over the back of the couch before joining Jude in the kitchen.

"What are we making tonight?" Jude asked.

"Um, I thought that I'd just make some burgers. Greek burgers," Connor said.

"It sounds fancy."

"There's feta cheese in the middle. I … I hope you like that."

"It sounds amazing."

Connor pulled the hamburger meet out of the fridge. Before he put his hands on it, he reached down and nudged the bag of potatoes they'd bought toward Jude.

"Are you putting potatoes on the burgers?" Jude asked, and that actually brought a smile to Connor's face.

"Homemade fries," he explained quietly.

"Oh … That sounds a lot better, actually."

They worked mostly in silence, with Connor being the one to mostly break it in order to give Jude a few instructions. Jude had been right when he'd told Connor he wasn't very good at cooking, but Connor quickly realized that more than a little of it was due to laziness, as Jude was able to follow his instructions without a hitch. The more that Connor was able to focus on sculpting the burgers, cutting ingredients, and making sure everything was seasoned and cooked, the better that he felt. This was the good kind of distraction, where he could do something productive that took his mind off the dark places. And he thought that it was good that he had Jude working next to him, fairly closely due to the apartment's small size, but that there wasn't any time to think about whether or not it bothered him. He had a task to do and he liked being able to focus on it. He was almost sorry when their food was done and he and Jude took their seats at the counter. For the first time, Jude did not take the stool next to Connor. He left one between them. He touched the stool and then looked at Jude, who was watching him. He was surprised by Jude's words, if only because it proved how easy it was for Jude to know him and his thoughts.

"It's not because I don't want to be close to you. It's because I want you to feel okay." Jude toyed with a fry. "Are you feeling okay?"

"I think so."

Jude popped his fry in his mouth. "I'm impressed with myself," he said, tasting it.

Connor began to eat his own food.

"I've been thinking about that tree," Jude said. "I could stick it in front of the bookshelf. Maybe I could squeeze in the bathroom. It would surprise the people I have over … All three of them."

"You could leave it outside."

"But it's a domesticated tree. Wouldn't it get cold outside?"

"Are you really going to buy a tree, Jude?"

"No. Well … No. It wouldn't get enough light. I wouldn't want to kill it." Jude picked up his burger but, before he took a bite, he said, "Small plants not be bad though. Like I said, feel free to hoard cactuses here. I'd like a few more friends."

That coaxed a small smile to Connor's face. He picked up a few of his fries, but was more focused on Jude's expression as Jude tried his burger. It was one of Connor's favourite burgers to make, and he wanted Jude to like it. He needed Jude to like it. He didn't want to be a failure. He didn't want to let Jude down, not when Connor had gone wrong this afternoon. He needed to redeem himself.

"This is the best thing I've ever eaten," Jude declared.

"R-really?"

"Second best thing," Jude amended, and Connor felt his heart fall. "I've been dreaming about that shrimp thing that you made me."

"Oh."

"I just like your cooking."

"So … that's why you talk to me."

Jude eyed him. "I can't tell if you're kidding or not."

Sometimes Connor wasn't sure either. He knew what he said was stupid. He'd barely cooked for Jude. Jude hadn't known that Connor would cook for him when they started talking. Jude had never asked for Connor to cook for him. But he also knew that it would make sense for Jude to talk to him because Connor was useful to him or because Jude needed him around for a specific purpose; at least, it made more sense than the fact that Jude just liked his company.

"I don't know either," Connor said.

"Hmm, well, I told you: I talk to you because you're cute."

Connor turned back to his plate.

"Okay," Jude said. "Not in the mood for that either. I got it."

"I'm sorry! I'm frustrating you!"

"No, you're not. But I don't know what I'm doing. I'm trying to figure out what you like and what you don't. You know, it would be better if you told me how to help. Anything so I can know … I just don't want to hurt you, again. I'm so sorry that I forgot about the hand thing. I wasn't thinking."

Suddenly, Connor's mouth went sour. "Please don't be upset, Jude."

"You are the important one right now. We can talk about me later."

"I don't matter."

"Yes, you do."

Jude's voice was fiercer than Connor expected and he clenched his hands tightly together. He squeezed his eyes shut. "I'm sorry I can't believe you."

"It's okay that you can't. Is there anything I can do to help it?"

"No. It's like all of my insides were flipped upside down. It takes time for them to fix themselves," Connor whispered.

"That's okay. Take your time."

Connor touched his nail to the counter top. "Could we watch a movie?"

"Yeah! Let me just put the plates in the dishwasher."

Connor relocated himself to the couch and wrapped the blanket around his shoulders. Jude turned on two lamps – one tall one by the book case and then another small one that sat on his nightstand. Then, he flicked off the overhead lights. It was a cozier atmosphere, but not a threatening one, and Connor was able to relax a little bit further. He let Jude pick the movie and Jude settled on a lighthearted comedy that was about ten years old. Connor was able to watch it and laugh and slowly release his tight hold on his memories. He was able to force them to the back of his mind where they belonged and, by the end of the movie, he had reached out to take Jude's hand again, just like he wanted. He wanted to be close to Jude and though he knew that it wasn't going to happen instantly, he was more than ready for the challenge that he was facing. He thought that Jude was worth it.

"We didn't do any readings tonight," Connor realized as the movie ended.

Jude let out a small snicker. "No, but it's not that late either."

"I'm not really in the mood," Connor admitted. "I'm tired."

"Time to go home?"

Connor nodded. "If that's okay."

"Yeah, of course it is. Is there another day that you want to study? I don't work on Tuesday."

"I have to meet with my group on Tuesday," Connor said.

"Wednesday, then?"

"Okay. Wednesday."

"But I'll see you in class tomorrow, right?"

"Right." Connor thought of last Monday, and then he dropped his hand to wrap his pinkie around Jude's. "I promise."

"Come on, let's get you home."

Connor put on his shoes, thinking that he'd left his jacket in Jude's car.

"Oh, Connor, don't forget your little friend."

Connor turned and Jude put his cactus into his cradled hands. Connor gently poked at one of the cactus's long, thick spikes, stopping short of allowing it to pierce the skin. He didn't want to hurt himself. He turned and opened Jude's front door and stepped out onto the small deck. He made room for Jude, who locked the door, and then they walked up to the car together.

Jude backed out of his driveway. As he started down his street, he asked, "So do you name the cactuses?"

"No," Connor said, almost laughing. "They're plants."

"Does that mean they don't deserve names?"

"What would you name a cactus?"

"You could name most of them after the seven dwarves," Jude suggested. "You have to admit, there's something kind of funny about a cactus named 'Sneezy'."

"What about a plant named 'Dopey'?"

Jude pretended to ponder this, and then he glanced at Connor, surprised. "I didn't know you could do that with a cactus!"

Connor smiled in spite of himself. He touched his palm to the top of his cactus again. "My cactuses don't do that."

"I think it's strange that you named my car but you won't name your cactuses."

"I guess I never thought about it," Connor admitted. "They don't misbehave like your car misbehaves."

Gerald grumbled and Jude nervously put his hand against the dashboard. "Not that we don't love you. You're a perfect car."

The noise didn't stop and Connor tried speaking to the car as well, echoing what Jude had done and gently caressing the car's dashboard. The noise just seemed to get louder. They had just reached the nano parking lot, but not a parking space, when Gerald decided to die. Jude swore and ran his hands over his face, while Connor anxiously tightened his grip on his cactus pot. He'd never heard Jude swear before. He stared down at his cactus as Jude tried the key over and over, but Gerald only let on small groaning sounds before giving up.

"Hey, move your car!"

Jude sighed and opened the door, turning to face the guy who'd yelled. "I'm dead."

"Wanna try jumpers?" the man offered. "I've got cables."

"Can't hurt," Jude said.

Connor sat still as Jude and the unknown man did as much as they could. But Gerald wouldn't start again. Jude sighed.

"Can you get in the driver's seat? I'm going to push it into the parking spot."

"Oh, I can push –"

"It's my car. I'm not that big of a jerk. C'mon."

Connor obediently situated himself in the driver's seat, feeling guilty. He should be pushing. He was happy to see that the man was helping Jude and it didn't take long for Gerald to be shoved into a parking space. The man put his jeep in the space next to Gerald and promptly headed into the nano building. Connor clenched his cactus tightly and stood up out of the front seat, facing Jude.

"What are you going to do with him?"

Jude shrugged. "I know he needs a new part. I've kinda been saving for it. So, I'll just get him towed in the morning and then live off ramen for a couple of weeks to make sure he moves again."

Connor wasn't going to let Jude do that. Adam wasn't a rich man, but he could more than make sure that Connor could buy as many groceries as he decided he needed. He would cook for Jude, he decided.

"How are you getting home tonight?"

"I'll walk. It can't be more than half an hour," Jude said with a shrug. "I know the bus is running but it gets kind of sketchy after ten and I'd rather not sit around and wait."

"Forty minutes," Connor said quietly. "C-could y-you text me when you're home, please?"

"Sure. I'll see you in class tomorrow, okay?"

Connor nodded and Jude turned, making sure that Gerald was locked. Connor watched Jude take a few a steps and then he called out Jude's name. Jude turned and smiled.

"Something wrong?"

Connor glanced around, but the parking lot was completely empty. He held his arms out and Jude walked closer to him, then took one of Connor's hands and then, with the hand that was clinging to the cactus, Jude held onto his wrist.

"I'd like a hug," Connor whispered.

"And I'd like to hug you."

Connor wrapped his arms tightly around Jude. He rested his head on Jude's shoulder, turning into his neck. "Are you okay, Jude?"

"Yes, completely."

He kissed Connor's cheek, which surprised Connor. He touched Jude's spine through his t-shirt, gently tracing it upward to the base of his neck.

"Are you going to get cold on the walk back?"

"I'm hoping the walk will keep me warm," Jude replied, and then he shrugged. "I'll live."

"You can borrow a sweater," Connor offered. "If you think you'd want it."

"Yeah, I'd like that."

Connor took Jude's hand and pulled him toward the front door of the nano building. He was nervous about taking Jude inside and showing Jude where he lived, but he wasn't just going to leave Jude standing outside. He didn't believe Jude would do anything nefarious after knowing where Connor lived – Jude couldn't even get into the building on his own. He was just nervous. Where he was should be a secret. His room was his safe haven and his hiding place. But he unlocked the front door and Jude walked in, lingering by the elevator.

"How high up do you live?"

"Eleven."

Jude hit the elevator button and Connor didn't begin to suggest they take the stairs. Eleven flights was too much and he'd be all right in the elevator if he had Jude. The doors dinged open and Connor followed Jude inside. Jude jabbed the eleventh floor button. While they whisked upward, Connor took Jude's hand again. Jude swung their joined hands and Connor studied Jude's face. He had a little bit of a frown forming between his eyes, but the rest of his face looked mostly untroubled. The doors opened and Connor tugged Jude to his room, which was the last one on the left. He took his key to the door and then hesitated.

"Jude? W-would you mind waiting here?"

"Nope. I won't move from this spot."

He slouched against the wall, beside the fire extinguisher.

"Thanks."

Connor unlocked his door and slipped inside, taking a moment to turn on the lights and complete his rituals of checking the bathroom and the window. Then, he went to his tiny closet and looked at his collection of sweatshirts. Everything he had with him was new. He picked up a black sweatshirt that had a bright yellow smiley face on it. It was a hoodie but it was also a light sweatshirt and he hoped that Jude liked it. He slipped out into the hallway, the sweatshirt in his hands.

"Thank you."

"Do you want me to walk you back down?" Connor offered.

"I'll find my way out. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

Connor nodded and he opened his arms again for another hug. Jude held him for a moment, and then Connor tilted his head back, his lips right by Jude's. Jude quietly asked if he could kiss him and Connor lifted onto his toes just to meet Jude's lips. Jude's arms were strong on Connor's back and Connor just found it easy to fall into him. It was too easy and Connor found himself pulling away and putting himself back on his flat feet. He gripped his hands around Jude's shoulders. He should know what to do with his feelings. He should understand himself. Jude's face was understanding and he kissed Connor on the forehead, then he walked to the elevator. Connor stood and watched him until the elevator came back for him and waved goodnight to him.

Connor went back in his room, locking the door behind him, and then texting his father that he was home safely. He folded his bed down, thinking about how he knew he liked Jude and how that should be enough for him. He kissed Jude, he held his hand, and they went out on dates. He should able to say boyfriend. It shouldn't be so scary. There had to be millions of people who called someone their boyfriend without fear and without flashbacks to the past. There had to be so many abuse victims out there who were able to do it. He knew his feelings for Jude were genuine. He knew Jude would never hurt him.

He didn't know why it was still so hard to accept it.

Connor decided that he would talk to Dr. Scott about it on Thursday. She would help him put things in perspective and understand himself. She was good about that. Connor finished fussing with his bedding and then he turned around and picked up the cactus he'd bought with Jude. He poked at the spikes a little, smiling at the plant. He had loved today. He put the cactus back on his counter instead of on the windowsill. He wanted to be able to look at it and let it fill him with the good feelings that had been with him while walking around the streets with Jude earlier. He wanted to remember that.

He climbed into bed and pulled out his phone. He had downloaded Tetris onto his phone and he found it an addicting game to play. He wasn't very good at it, though, and he had to restart his game five times in the time it took Jude to get from the nano dorms to his apartment. Knowing that Jude was home safe, Connor was able to curl up in bed and close his eyes.

It didn't surprise him that he dreamt of Jude.

The chapter's title is after the song Clean by Travis Atreo. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~