Jude held the door of the costume shop open for Connor and Connor slipped inside. He looked around, overwhelmed, at the rows and rows of costume racks. There were quite a few people skipping around – lots of kids, particularly. Connor sidestepped a couple of six year old girls, one of which was holding a Darth Vader costume and the other who was holding a pink princess gown. Jude spotted the sign that advertised men's costumes and he took Connor's hand, guiding him that way.
"Do you have any ideas?" Connor asked.
"Not totally sure yet. I thought something would jump out at me." Jude paused and picked up a large Snow White gown. "I could wear this. I think I'd look good in a tiara."
Connor stared at him. "You … You'd … wear a dress?"
Jude shrugged and put the costume back, continuing on their way. "I used to, when I was younger. Um, one of my foster fathers didn't like it so much and …" He fluttered his hand dismissively, but he saw understanding on Connor's face. "I haven't worn one in a while. I wouldn't be against it, but I just don't know if I can pull it off anymore. I think I'd be too self-conscious about my legs."
Connor smiled uneasily, as if he were trying to figure out if Jude were joking. Jude grinned reassuringly and they walked into the men's section.
"Have you decided about Halloween yet?"
"I … I don't know. W-what will it be like?"
"I think there's thirteen people at Taylor's last count. We rented out two rooms at the motel. People are going to be drinking. I know you don't drink but I don't know how comfortable you are around drunk people. Taylor and I know everyone that's coming, though, and they're all good people. It's only a little way from my apartment so if you get uncomfortable I can give you my keys and you can go there or I can go with you."
Jude watched as Connor studied a Chewbacca costume with more intensity than needed. He didn't look up at Jude as he asked, "Will you be drinking?"
"Yeah, probably a beer. No more than two. I won't be drunk."
Connor moved onto a pirate costume. "What about when I wanted to go home?"
Jude didn't have an answer. "I won't be able to drive you. I don't think I'm going to stay there overnight – the rooms will be crowded enough – so you're welcome to my couch. I don't think Halloween is the best night for you to walk home. Campus can get kind of crazy."
Connor took a chicken costume off the rack and held it up to Jude's body.
"Is this what you want to see me in?" Jude asked, and Connor shook his head.
"It seems like a lot," Connor said.
"I just think it seems heavy," Jude said, touching the side of the costume again.
"I meant Halloween." Connor put the costume back on the rack.
"I know, which is why it's all up to you."
"I … I'll tell you on Friday," Connor decided.
"That's cutting it a little close."
"Is that not okay?"
"Of course it's okay. Why Friday?"
"My therapy appointments are Thursday. This is something that I'd really like advice with."
"Take whatever time you want." Jude picked up a blue crayon costume. "What do you think?"
"It doesn't look like you," Connor decided.
"Put me in what you think looks best."
"You trust me to pick out your costume?"
"We'll see once you pick."
Connor was fairly indecisive, but Jude was happy to spend a couple of hours following him around as Connor picked up different costumes and then put them back on the rack. He stood still as Connor held up an Elmo costume and a ninja costume. Connor placed a rainbow clown wig on Jude's head and Jude grabbed a large pair of pink sunglasses that took up over half of his face. He struck a pose and Connor began to laugh.
"Do I look awesome?"
Connor shrugged and smiled. "You look ridiculous."
"That's the point." Jude lifted a bright green clown wig and gold glasses. "Join me?"
"I …"
"Just for a selfie."
"You're very hard to say no to sometimes," Connor said, but it was said good-naturedly, and so Jude didn't worry.
"It's the hair, right?"
"I think you should dye it rainbow," Connor replied, securing the bright green wig on his own head.
"Do you have the skills to do it?"
Connor shook his head and the wig went askew. He readjusted it and then he slid the glasses on his face.
"You look weird," Jude told him.
"It's your fault," Connor said, and Jude could hear defensiveness in his tone.
"I still like you. Come here, let's take a picture."
Connor put his arm around Jude's shoulder and Jude grabbed Connor around the waist. He tucked the sides of their wigs together and raised his phone in front of the two of them. Connor was smiling and Jude quickly snapped the photo, wanting to preserve that moment and that look. The moment the photo was taken, Connor was sidling away and returning the wig and glasses to their places.
"Everything all right?"
"It's just a new feeling. I just need to process." Connor took a deep breath. "Come on. We haven't been over there yet."
Connor took Jude's hand and led him to another corner of the store. Jude was beginning to wonder if Connor was going to go through everything when Connor paused and looked over at him, staring down at the costume on the rack. Jude tilted forward but he couldn't see it. Connor studied him intently and then he nodded.
"I like this one."
"Let's see."
Connor pulled the costume out hesitantly and held it up. Jude grinned.
"I love it!"
"Really?"
"Really. Can I see?"
Connor handed over the costume and Jude held it up. It was Scarecrow from The Wizard Of Oz. It came with a thin brown hat, a hay coloured hood, a green shirt with some rips that had hay peeking through, brown patched pants with hay peeking out the bottom, and thin brown boots. On the tag of the costume, there were face paint suggestions to make the costume even more complete.
"It's perfect," Jude decided.
"You haven't worn it before, have you?" Connor asked, but Jude shook his head. "Oh. Good. I … think it'll … look good on you."
Jude held it up to himself. "If I only had a brain … I guess I should learn that song for Saturday, huh?"
"It couldn't hurt."
"Do you want to get anything?"
Connor shook his head. "No … I don't think so."
Jude looked at the costume again. "I don't think this needs anything else, do you?"
"No."
"Then let's go."
Jude paid for his costume and the two of them headed over to Gerald. Jude was so glad to have his car back. The bus wasn't the end of the world but he liked being able to drive and he was attached to this car. Connor, too, he knew was happier now that Gerald was back in his life. Busses made him uncomfortable. Once they were moving, Connor rolled down the window and leant into the wind. It was late enough in the day that the sun was starting to sink and it gave Connor an orange glow. If Jude didn't have to keep his eyes on the road, he would have been more than content to just stare at him. But he got them to the nano dorms safe and sound.
"Have a good shift," Connor said.
"It's only four hours, I should survive. I'll tell you all the boring details in class tomorrow."
"Deal."
Connor grabbed the door handle but then he let go, turning and leaning across the console to kiss him. It surprised Jude, because Connor was usually so hesitant about kissing him; Jude always knew when it was coming because Connor either asked or he went for the kiss so slowly that Jude had time to prepare. But he liked this surprise kiss. He was more than happy to lean across the console. He rested one hand against Connor's side, feeling the hard lines of his muscles and his ribs. Connor rested his forehead against Jude's.
"Sorry," he murmured. "I really wanted to kiss you."
"That's not something that you ever have to apologize for." Jude gave him a brief kiss.
"Okay. I'm going to go inside now."
"Have a fun night," Jude said.
"I think I'm going to go to the gym."
"Have fun lifting weights."
Connor smirked. "It's leg day."
"Have fun lifting weights with your legs."
Connor laughed, and Jude leant into the hand that Connor was tracing along his jaw. His lips brushed against Connor's and Connor pressed a better kiss to Jude's mouth.
"Okay," Connor whispered. "You have work."
"No, I don't," Jude said, and Connor laughed again.
"I don't want you to have it either," he revealed nervously. "I just … feel good today. I want to spend more of it with you."
"There will be more good days and we'll definitely spend those together."
Connor nodded, but he was still smiling, and Jude loved that. Connor tapped his fingers against Jude's neck, under his ears, and then he glanced at Gerald's clock.
"One more kiss?"
"Yeah, there's more than enough time for that." Jude hooked his fingers in the front of Connor's t-shirt, pulling him over the console to kiss him again.
(-.-)
Connor didn't want to Skype his father. He wanted to lay under his black comforter on his small, thin dorm mattress and just breathe. But he answered when Adam called, positioning his laptop on his desk chair so that he didn't have to leave bed. He stared at Adam, who was sitting at the dining room table in his house, wearing a plain grey t-shirt. He frowned when he saw Connor.
"Is everything all right? Why are you in bed?"
"It's been a long Thursday," Connor murmured. "I was thinking about just going to sleep."
"It's only seven," Adam said.
"I know."
"What made today so long?"
"We talked about a lot today," Connor said.
"You and Dr. Scott?"
"Yeah. I'm trying to think through things. Trying not to be scared."
"What do you have to be scared of?"
Connor pulled one of his pillows against his stomach, wanting something to cling tightly to. It was still hard to open up to Adam because sometimes, he still saw the past hanging over everything. But that was his problem. It was hard for him to let go of it.
"Dr. Scott says that I'm healing at a rate that works for me and that she's proud of. She thinks I'm doing good. I'm waiting for it to fall apart." Connor closed his eyes and amended, "For me to fall apart."
"I don't think it's going to happen."
"I think I've been doing too well."
"There's no such thing."
"What if I just break? What if everything just falls apart?"
"Then we pick up all the pieces again and put you back together. You have support. You have me. I know that Jude would be there for you too."
Jude. Connor took a deep breath and he told Adam about the Halloween party and about how he probably wouldn't be able to return to his own room that night.
"I'm worried about sleeping on the couch. I haven't spent the night in the same room with anyone since … since …" He sniffed his tears back. "It's not the same. Jude's not the same. But I worry so much … Bu-bu-bu-but then I think about how Dr. Scott thinks I'm doing good and how you said I shouldn't hold myself back and I think about how I really want to go and I want to spend that time with him but he'll be drinking and other people will be drinking and if I want out … How do I get out?"
"You can always call a cab," Adam reminded him. "You don't need to stay in a situation you're uncomfortable in. And if you're going to lose it like this before you go, it might not be the best idea to go. I don't know what to tell you, except: make sure you're comfortable. Don't push too far because you'll hurt yourself."
"I just want someone to give me the answers," Connor whispered. "I want someone to tell me what to do and how to feel."
"No, you don't!" Adam said. "You can't want that."
Connor hid his face into the pillow. He didn't want Adam to see him cry. He didn't want anyone to see him fall apart like this, but he couldn't hang up Skype either. He ended up whimpering that it was so much easier. Living with his ex and having everything decided for him was terrifying but now that he had to function on his own, he was finding out the freedom wasn't any easier.
"You don't want to go back there, Connor." Adam's voice was light and soothing, and Connor sucked in a deep breath.
"No," Connor had to agree. "I don't."
He didn't miss that life. He would never want to go through it again. But he missed how he had that life figured out. He knew the rules of that life and he missed knowing the rules. He didn't like scrambling to figure things out here because he constantly felt like he was going to make all the wrong decisions and he couldn't handle making a wrong decision. He needed to get it right because the consequences of getting it wrong were too much to bear.
"I think that if you want to go, you should. Make sure you have the number of cab companies in your phone. I know you probably won't like getting into the car with a stranger but it's the best alternative and I know that you'll be safe. But if you decide not to go, then that's okay too. You don't have to go. I know I said don't get in your own way, but if you push yourself too far, then it's the same thing."
"I thought I'd get answers when I talked to Dr. Scott. I don't have any answers."
"You have the answers."
Connor shook his head. He didn't have anything, let alone answers. If he knew what he was doing then he might, at least, be a little happier. He might make Jude a little happier. He didn't want Jude to hate being with him because Connor liked being with Jude. He liked being around Jude.
"Whatever you do, just remember it's okay to make mistakes. They aren't the end of the world. You can learn from them and wake up and try again in the morning."
Connor stared at Adam. Where had this father been when he was a teenager? Where had this kind of father been when Connor needed this kind of father to keep him from the life where every mistake was the end of the world? Connor sighed, too exhausted to say another word about it.
"Whatever you decide, I hope to hear all about it."
"You know you will, Dad."
"But I don't want to make it sound like I expect it. I like the idea of you liking tell me things."
Connor had no response to that. He buried his head in the pillow again.
"I'm going to let you nap," Adam said. "I hope you feel better in the morning."
"Goodnight, Dad. Have a good day at work tomorrow."
"And have fun in class," Adam said. "I love you."
"You too."
Connor hung up Skype and closed his laptop. He forced himself to get up, check that the door was locked and flick the lights out. He climbed back in bed, his mind reeling so much over Jude's party that he couldn't get a grip on what he was actually thinking. He pulled his comforter out of him and clenched his hands together, feeling them trembling. He knew that he wasn't going to be able to sleep but the thought of putting effort into anything right now was just too much. He closed his eyes, but he knew that he would have to work through things so that he could relax and so that he could go to bed.
He sorted through everything he had said to Dr. Scott and everything that she had said to him. He thought about what his father had said and he thought about Jude. He thought about what he wanted and he thought about all the ways that it would go wrong. Connor tucked his back against the wall and hugged the pillow even tighter. He knew what he was going to tell Jude tomorrow.
He wondered what Jude would say.
(-.-)
"Midterm on Wednesday," Jude groaned. "Are we ready?"
Connor plucked the stem out of his apple. "I think I am. We can study lots on Monday and Tuesday if you want."
"I'd like that." Jude glanced out the window to see if there was anything interesting going on, but there was just the sight of students trying to decide if the sprinkling of rain was heavy enough to warrant an umbrella. He glanced back at Connor, wondering what he would say to Jude's idea. "So, Taylor is getting here tonight. The party is tomorrow and then she's bussing back on Sunday. Even if you don't come to the party, I'd still like you to meet her. I know she'd really like to meet you."
He wondered if that was intimidating to Connor.
"Oh. I, um, I decided about the party."
Jude waited, flattening his fingers against the cool tabletop. He focused on Connor's face, tuning out the din of the crowded student union building.
"I think I want to try it," Connor said. "I don't think I'll be able to stay long, even though I feel bad about going back to your apartment so early by myself. My dad suggested I take a cab home. I think I might do that instead."
"Whatever you're more comfortable with."
"Does it make you happy that I'm going?"
"Yeah," Jude said. "I want you to be happy you're going too."
"I think so. I know that I'll hate not trying to go more than I hate going."
"Hate? That's a good word!"
Connor missed Jude's sarcastically upbeat tone and started to stress. "I just meant it's going to be hard and different, not that I'm going to really, really hate it. You're going to be there and I don't hate you –"
"Connor, I was just being funny. It's okay."
Jude watched as Connor sat back, reining himself in. He watched emotions flicker across Connor's face and then Connor looked down at the table. "I'm nervous."
"That's okay. We'll just see what it's like when we get there, right?"
Connor nodded. "So, Taylor gets here tonight?"
"Mhmm. We'll get Chinese food and stay in. Then, tomorrow, we'll go grab stuff for the party. I'll probably pick you up around seven tomorrow, if that works for you."
"Okay. I'm interested to meet her."
"She's a little larger than life," Jude said. "I think she gets more dramatic every time that I see her."
"But you love her."
"Of course I do." Jude grinned. "But that doesn't mean that I don't see what she's really like."
"Do you think I'll like her?"
"I think you will after you get used to her. I think it might take you a while to do that."
"Hmm." Connor put his empty water bottle on its side and spun it between his fingers. "I … Do you think she'll like me?"
"She already loves you, don't worry about that."
"She doesn't know me."
"I talk about you a lot. And she knows how much I like you. That's how Taylor operates, mostly. She's super loyal." Connor had stopped spinning his bottle, so Jude reached out and grabbed it. He spun it himself and it landed with the cap pointing toward Connor. "I think this means you have to kiss me."
"Spin the bottle was how I had my first kiss," Connor said. "Seventh grade."
"How was it?"
"Awkward," Connor replied. "It was just a couple of friends. We thought it was something rebellious, you know? Anyway, Madison's landed on me and it was a two second kiss. Not a big deal."
"It could have been worse."
"Yeah," Connor said, and then he sighed. "It was before I started questioning whether or not I was gay. I'm glad for that. I don't have to feel guilty about kissing a girl and knowing I shouldn't be. As dumb as that sounds."
"It doesn't sound dumb. I think it makes a little bit of sense." Jude reached over and touched his fingers to Connor's and Connor's face lit up.
Connor ran his thumb over Jude's knuckles. "I like how much you understand me."
"I always try my best."
"Your best is really good," Connor said.
Jude could only smile at that. Being with Connor was sometimes hard to navigate and he was worried about getting it wrong a lot. He didn't think that he did, but he liked hearing it from Connor's mouth. Connor wasn't going to lie to him, which Jude knew for sure. He knew that part of it was because Connor was too scared to lie and he hated the thought of why, but it came up far too often. Jude couldn't ignore Connor's past. Connor wore it like a cloak most of the time, though Jude didn't really know the specifics. He couldn't decide if he was glad about that or not. He didn't necessarily want to know all the details of what had happened to Connor, but he didn't want Connor to be afraid of confiding in him about it either.
Connor tapped his thumb on Jude's hand. "We have to go to class."
"Let's go."
They squished under Jude's umbrella as they walked to class. Jude put his arm around Connor to keep him close as they walked, and he was glad that he was able to do it. He liked that they could walk across campus and clearly be together and that it didn't bother Connor. Connor pressed against him as they walked up to the building of his next class.
"You still owe me a kiss," Jude reminded him sweetly.
Connor faced him and Jude adjusted the umbrella over them. He looked like he was thinking things over, and he tilted his head to the side. "But you wouldn't make me kiss you."
"No. I'm just hoping that you want to."
Connor kissed Jude on his cheek and Jude quickly turned so that he could catch Connor's cheek in return.
"I'd rather just have a hug," Connor admitted.
"Then that's all you have to say."
Jude wrapped one arm around Connor while trying to keep the umbrella from hitting either of them in the head. Connor wrapped both arms around Jude and squeezed him tightly.
"Don't be nervous. If you change your mind at any time, it's okay," Jude said. He kissed Connor's forehead and Connor held him tighter.
"Can you do that again?"
"What? This?" Jude pressed his lips to Connor's forehead.
"Yeah."
"Or this?" Jude kissed Connor's cheek. "What about here?" He kissed his other cheek.
Connor let out a small chuckle and then he hugged Jude again. "Okay. Class time. I'll see you tomorrow."
"See you!"
Jude walked off to health psych, but he didn't pay any attention. He took some notes, but he mostly texted Taylor, who was currently sitting on a bus. She made it to his apartment before his class was even over, and Jude couldn't keep up with the barrage of texts that she sent him.
Taylor: It is DAMP
Taylor: LEAVE A SPARE KEY OUT
Taylor: WHY IS YOUR LANDLORD AT WORK I WANT INNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Taylor: Jude!
Taylor: Jude!
Taylor: Jude!
Taylor: Jude, I'm here!
Taylor: Come get meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Jude: I'm leaving class now! It's not my fault you got here so early
Taylor: but I missed you!
Jude: I missed you too.
Jude: Okay I'm driving now.
Jude put his phone in Gerald's cup holder and then he backed out of the parking lot. He was glad that it was a short drive to his apartment and he pulled into his driveway without too many more shrieking texts from Taylor. He had barely turned off Gerald when Taylor appeared at the bottom of the hill. Jude quickly made his way down the slick stone path, carefully not to slip and hurt his back again, and then he hugged her tightly.
"I thought you were never going to get here!"
"I wouldn't leave you standing outside for too long," Jude teased. "Let's go in."
"Just my luck, it had to rain today of all days!" Taylor made a sound of disgust. "Come on, California, I thought you were supposed to be sunny all the time."
"It's not allowed to be sunny when it benefits you," Jude said. He opened his front door and Taylor ducked under his arm to bound inside first.
"I need a sweater!" she announced, and went over to his dresser, pulling open the sweater door. "Oh! A new one! I like."
"No!" Jude cried, knowing what she was holding. "Not that one."
"Why not?" Taylor asked.
Jude turned to look at her, and she was just holding it. He sighed in relief. He didn't want her wearing it. "It's Connor's sweatshirt."
"Ooh." Taylor wiggled her eyebrows at him, but she put the sweatshirt back in the drawer, this time pulling out one of Jude's four Anchor Beach sweatshirts. "Grad sweatshirts. Oh, the memories."
"Best years of our lives, right?" he said sarcastically.
"I miss some parts of it," Taylor admitted. She dropped down on the couch. "Come, sit with me."
She was in Jude's usual spot, and so Jude sat in Connor's.
"How's the boy?"
"Joining us for Halloween," Jude said. "You'll get to meet him tomorrow."
"Yes!"
Taylor punched her hand in the air and grinned. Jude found himself thinking that her cheeks looked a little bit puffy, like she had baby fat cheeks again. But she quickly distracted him by asking how things with Connor had been.
"Really good. He's amazing, Taylor. And," he said sternly, "do not jump on him and hug him when you meet him. Don't do it."
"I remember what you told me about him," Taylor said. "I wouldn't."
"It doesn't hurt to remind you," Jude said with a shrug.
"You just have no faith in me," Taylor said, rolling her eyes.
"You knew that."
"Okay, food time," Taylor said. "I need a distraction to keep from killing you."
"Take out or do you want me to take you on a proper date?"
"Let's just have a quiet night in, honey," Taylor said. "Or is that what you call Connor?"
"I just call him 'Connor'."
"That's boring."
"I'm in a relationship," Jude pointed out. "How long have you been alone?"
"Low blow! Just for that, you're buying me extra egg rolls."
Jude just shrugged. "Sure, whatever. Need a menu?"
"No, I know what I want. It's pathetic that I don't even live in this town and I know what I want from restaurants around here."
"You're here a lot, so I won't call you pathetic."
"You'll just think it."
"It's a lot better than the things I usually think of you."
Taylor threw a pillow at him. "Order! First you leave me in the rain and then you make fun of me and then you won't feed me –"
"It was hardly raining. But, fine, fine." Jude grabbed his phone and dialled Bob Likes Chinese Food. He had the number saved to his phone, which could also be called pathetic, and he gave them his order. They gave him a forty minute delivery time, which he reported to Taylor, dropping his cell phone on the couch between them.
Taylor hadn't heard a word he said. Instead, she scooped up his phone. "Oh my God! Your background."
Jude could have blushed. He had changed his background photo to the one of him and Connor in the costume shop. "It's the only photo I have of him."
Taylor squinted. "He's cuter than you said."
"Isn't he?"
"Does he have brothers?"
"No. I think it's just him and his dad."
"How much does his dad look like him?"
"Taylor!"
She held up her hands in surrender, but she didn't apologize. "Daria and Thomas are driving down tomorrow."
"Is she still pregnant?" Jude asked.
Taylor nodded. "Her appointment is on Tuesday, though. Um, don't say anything to her, okay?"
"I wouldn't. You know that I wouldn't."
"It doesn't hurt to remind you," Taylor sang. She flopped across the couch and onto Jude. "I'm tired. Being on a bus is exhausting."
"Don't be such a princess."
"I'm not a princess."
Jude went to reply, but his phone lit up. Taylor grabbed at it first
"Connor texted you!"
"Give me that!"
Jude grabbed his phone out of her hands and checked his texts.
Connor: I don't want to bother you when you're with Taylor but I wanted to tell you something
Jude: don't worry about it. What's going on? Everything okay?
Connor: Yeah. I bought a costume for tomorrow
Jude: Taylor says hi
Jude: really!? What is it?!
Connor: It's a surprise
Connor: I say hi too.
Jude: I'm even more excited for tomorrow, then
Connor: don't get your hopes up too high. It's boring.
Connor: I'll leave you alone now. I just wanted to tell you that. Have a good night with Taylor.
Jude: Okay. I'll see you tomorrow. Night!
He put his phone back down and Taylor stared up at him.
"You look happy."
"I am happy."
Taylor turned back to her channel surfing. "Oh, look, Project Runway!"
"I swear we've seen this episode," Jude said.
"Yep. And we're seeing it again. Don't complain."
Jude sighed and mimed zipping his lips. It wouldn't do any good to argue with Taylor.
The chapter's title is after the song Shelter by Birdy. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~