A/N: Cue comic relief part 2

Chapter 25

Weekend at Edward's

Bella's POV

"Did I see you and my brother getting oh so cosy by the pinball machine last night, Bella?" Alice asked me, glancing over her shoulder and flashing me a shrewd smirk.

We were on our way to Port Angeles in Rose's car. I was tired and still unsettled, but I made an effort to hide my distraction from Alice; it wasn't hard though, her remark had made me practically baulk. Though, it was a more preferable reaction than turning beet red.

"How the hell did you manage to see anything?" I retorted.

Rose snorted in agreement. "Touché."

Alice laughed softly. "I see all, Bella."

I scoffed lightly with a small smile but didn't reply, before turning to gaze sleepily out the window again. After I'd talked myself out of panicking over my dream the night before and attempted to get back to sleep, Jake had kept me up for the remainder of the night with his constant bouts of coughing. And at that moment, the cold, rainy morning coupled with the motion of the car was making my eyelids droop heavily.

"Hmm, Bella, you look almost as tired as Edward did this morning," Alice added, winking subtly at me through the mirror that was attached to the back of the visor as she applied her lip-gloss.

"Jake's coughing is cracking the foundations, if you must know. It was practically impossible for me to sleep last night," I insisted before huffing good-naturedly at Alice's raised, dubious brow.

"Alice, you and my twisted brother recreate all twelve scenes from the porn I caught Emmett watching the other day, every time you see each other, and you insist on giving poor Bella crap over the fact that her and Edward are finally getting their shit together," Rose spoke dryly without averting her eyes from the road, a hint of a smirk indicating that she was only fractionally more than bored with the topic of Jazz and Alice.

I chuckled.

"Ooh, but it's just so cute. You know the last time my brother showed this much interest in a girl?" Alice asked me, turning around fully in her seat to face me.

I sat up a little too eagerly, noting the corner of her lips curve before I quickly made out that I was repositioning myself for the purpose of comfort only.

Rose piped up before I had the chance to answer, "Umm, let's say—never!"

"Exactly. Never, but I'm not kidding, Bells, as much as he's screwed up in the past, you're good for him—and he's good for you," Alice added, her voice softening a fraction with sincerity while her expression turned almost serious.

It took me less than a moment before the realisation over Alice's words sunk in. I bolted upright in the seat as the air squeezed from my lungs, staring at her almost stunned. "W-what did you just say, Alice?" I blurted, barely able to find my voice.

Alice stared back at me, her expression slowly turning puzzled. "Are you okay, Bells? You look like you've just seen a ghost?" she asked after a moment's pause.

My heart quickened, as the sense of foreboding began to build, but I quickly pushed it from my thoughts.

Coincidence—it was just a coincidence!

"Um … Bells? You're going green," Alice observed, her expression piquing with concern.

I shook my head, annoyed that I was allowing panic to inch closer to the surface again. "I'm fine. I'm just tired, I guess."

Alice gazed at me for a fraction longer, before she turned back around. It was clear that she didn't believe me, but she didn't press me on it. "I hope you're not getting Jake and Nessie's flu," she added, and I suspected that statement was for Rose's benefit.

I smiled at her meekly before continuing to stare out the window and wrestle the melancholy from returning.

By the time we arrived in Port Angeles I'd won the battle. I couldn't help it; I loved the story book, sea side town so much that every time I came all I could feel was a romantic reverence toward it. And together with the dilemma of finding the right prom dress, all thoughts of the dream I had of Kel were pushed from my mind.

Alice had all but announced to me over loud speaker several times during the morning—which was her usual style of tact—that Edward was wearing black. So I settled with the first dress I found. It was streamline and fitting, with the right amount of dip to the cleavage, in tan and black. It was classical; 1940's inspired, and I loved it immediately. Though, Alice and Rose, as well as the salesgirl, insisted I try on several others to be sure. After the tenth one, I was even more positive that I preferred the first.

"So who are your prom dates?" asked the overly enthusiastic salesgirl who seemed excited by all things prom—regardless that she was carrying at least a dozen of Rose and Alice's discarded try-ons.

Rose stuck out her forefinger in Alice's direction while her gaze never left the full-length mirror as she scrutinised the scarlet, figure hugging dress from every infinitesimal angle, and mumbled distractedly, "Her brother."

The salesgirl's grin widened before she turned her arched brow in Alice's direction. "And yours?"

Alice smirked and pointed to Rose. "Her brother."

The salesgirl turned to me. "So, whose brother are you going with?" she asked teasingly.

I smiled abashedly and pointed to Alice. "Hers."

The salesgirl only laughed.

"Oh God, we really are from Forks," Rose muttered, meeting my gaze through the mirror and flashing me an ironic grin.

"You're from Forks?" the salesgirl asked, arching a rather distasteful eyebrow. Alice turned to her, narrowing her eyes and the salesgirl quickly added, "I'm from Beaver."

"I thought you're only really from Forks if your cousin is your date," I spoke up ignoring the salesgirl's unspoken innuendo.

Alice grinned.

"Nope, that's if you're from Beaver," Rose answered with a small smirk as Alice coughed back her laugh.

A faint smile remained on Rose's lips before she sighed deeply, her attention back on her reflection. She turned again for the umpteenth time to peer at her naked back in the gown.

"Well, if you're from Rocherie you take your blue heeler, and they don't have proms they have socials in the town hall," I joked lightly . . . to the sound of crickets chirping.

Okay, I brought that one on myself, but still, I didn't expect to be stared at as if I'd just spoken Klingon.

The salesgirl peered at me above the mountain of clothes she was holding with a blank, bewildered expression plastered across her face.

"Bells, what the hell is a blue heeler?" Alice asked, grinning at me with laughter shining in her eyes.

"It's a cattle dog," I mumbled, feeling like a giant idiot.

"Well that makes plenty of sense, Bella. I'm going with a bear," Rose added with a knowing grin, before she again turned back to her reflection, sucking in her breath and sticking out her bust. She scrutinised herself from both sides then back again with her hands on her hips before she turned to Alice and me with satisfaction. "This one's definitely it—what do you girls think?"

She looked stunning; there was no other word for it. I nodded in agreement, vehemently. She was gorgeous, but Alice contemplated it for several more moments as though she were studying the trends in the stock market.

"Honestly, I thought the blue one looked better on you," she finally spoke up, her tone earnest.

Rose huffed and rolled her eyes. "Emmett is wearing red."

"I thought you didn't go for the kooky matching prom outfits thing?" Alice teased her.

Rose threw Alice a quick scowl and went back to scrutinising her appearance for a further five minutes before deciding on it.

"Okay, bitches, I've already got my shoes, so I'm going make-up shopping," Rose spoke, scanning the streets for the best store to start in after we emerged from the formal wear shop two and a half hours after entering.

"Okay, how about we meet at the cafe in an hour?" Alice suggested.

"Sure," Rose replied simply before crossing the street, leaving Alice and I to head for the shoe shop.

I found my shoes in the same fashion as my dress. I picked a pair that matched and tried them on, but Alice still made me try several pairs before making a final decision. In the end, I bought the first pair.

Alice only laughed lightly, shaking her head to herself then continued to try on half the shoes in the shop, deciding finally on a silver strappy pair. The size of the heels alone gave me nightmarish visions of lying flat on my back in spinal traction.

With dresses and shoes in tow, Alice and I made our way to the cafe. The same café, oddly enough, that Jake, Nessie and I came to on my first day in Forks.

We found a booth in the corner with Alice shuffling in beside me, while I glanced around searching for the hostile waitress who'd first made me conscious of how different my English was.

"What's up, Bells?" Alice asked me, after surveying me curiously for a moment, when she suddenly piped up in realisation, "Wait a minute, is this the chips and sauce cafe?"

I smiled awkwardly. "How did you guess that?"

Alice grinned at me artfully. "I told you, I'm very perceptive, and there isn't that many cafes in Port Angeles, you dope. So point out Miss Bitchy Waitress, I want to give her a p—," she began before I could answer, only to be cut off as the messages alert on her mobile signalled. "Rose … she wants us to start without her." She looked up from her phone and rolled her eyes deliberately. "Should have known she'd lose herself in a cosmetic store."

I chuckled softly in agreement, nodding my head. "As if Rose even needs it."

"Uh-huh," she mumbled in reply, before her gaze zeroed in on me, her expression turning sober.

I gazed back at her slightly unnerved. ". . . What?"

"Out with it, Bella," she said flatly, her tone sedate.

"O-out with what?" I stammered, and all but sealed my guilt.

Sure enough, Alice's brow shot up suspiciously before she sighed. "Bells, you've been acting . . . strange all week. Is it Edward? Are you changing your mind about him?" she asked delicately, her expression slightly pained, as I all but scoffed.

"No, it's not Edward," I replied a little too sharply.

Not everything I did—or felt—or said, was about Edward!

"Okay, it's not Edward."

I sighed immediately remorseful. "Sorry, Als."

"Good grief, Bella," Alice retorted, her tone laced with exasperation.

"I'm okay, really." I wasn't even close to sounding convincing, and Alice's expression didn't falter a fraction to suggest that she believed me.

"You're not," she stated, her brow coming together with concern.

I just shrugged and offered her a weak smile.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked tactfully.

"There's nothing to talk about, really," I insisted, my voice trailing off as my thoughts probed beyond the boundaries that I had not let myself cross since Kel's accident. My heart instantly clenched as a wave of panic threatened me.

"Bella, I'll let you in on a secret." Alice bent toward me a fraction as if she was disclosing some juicy gossip.

I tilted my head slightly in her direction, my curiosity piqued. "Yeah?"

An almost sad smile spread slowly across her face. "Your face is very readable, and right now it's screaming at me that something is very wrong."

I exhaled into a long drawn out sigh. It was inevitable; Alice was right, Jake was right. "I-I've got to go ho—to Australia. I'm thinking next week after the prom, or as soon as I can get a flight."

"Oh. . ." was all that she offered as a reply, her tone barely a whisper.

"I've got to see Kel. I mean, she's not getting better, and if anything—" I broke off suddenly feeling like my chest was being restricted. Pausing, I swallowed thickly past it. "I wouldn't be able to forgive myself," I whispered, dropping my gaze from hers and fixing them on my hands.

Alice encircled her arm around my back consolingly, pulling me to her in a one armed hug. "Is anyone going with you?" she asked me after a moment.

"No," I answered, shaking my head.

"Then I am," she said so resolutely that I immediately pulled back in surprise.

"What?" I exclaimed my voice almost failing me.

"You can't go alone, Bella—I'm coming!"

Tears pushed to the surface before I could prevent them; I couldn't help it. "Oh ... Alice…" I whispered, so affected by her gesture that I was unable to rein in my emotions over it.

She smiled at me for a moment. "Mom's a travel agent, so she can pre-book our flights and organise everything. Don't stress about it. Try and enjoy this last week of school and prom with my nice brother, kay?" She raised her brow, her expression both tender and teasing with her last remark.

Chucking softly, I nodded, inhaling back my tears. "What would I do without you, evil little rat," I teased her back.

Laughing softly, she pulled me closer to her. "Now I know you've spent too much time around my brother."

"Oh, God. I leave you two alone for, what, a couple of hours and you go all deep and mushy on me." Came Rose's dry, sarcastic tone, snapping Alice and me from our embrace.

I hastily fumbled to wipe my tear streaked face, while Alice sat unperturbed and enquired about Rose's make-up purchases.

Rose didn't question us further on what she'd walked in on, which gave me the impression that they'd planned it all along.

I smiled at Rose warmly; she responded with an affectionate grin before returning to the topic of eyeliner with Alice.

Alice kept me optimistic throughout lunch, and it was incredibly reassuring to know she was going to accompany me back to Australia. It lessened the panic I felt over it, and the fear of facing my demons again…

. . .

"JESUS, it's hot in here all of a sudden. Does anyone else feel it? Oh hey, Bella!" was Emmett's sly greeting the moment I stepped through the Cullens' front door.

"Hi, Emmett," I replied, my smile turning self-conscious.

"Emmett, I swear to God!" Rose began in an almost earnest display of hostility as she pulled him out of the room.

"Does that mean no root tonight, baby?" I heard him exclaim with exaggerated alarm, while Rose groaned loudly.

Oh, God. . .

"Emmett's funny," I mumbled to Alice, trying to shrug off my discomfort over the fact that he was constantly using my language as a source of his jokes.

She snorted and rolled her eyes. "Believe me his charm wore off years ago."

I only smiled in reply, before hauling my overnight bag over my shoulder and following her up the stairs.

We ran into Edward on the landing. He had his hands shoved in his pockets, with a warm but almost awkward smile on his lips.

"Hey, Bella," he said, his otherwise deep, smooth voice hitching, before he cleared his throat softly.

"Hi, Edward." I smiled back at him, feigning ignorance to his discomfort, while my stomach squirmed slightly. I was becoming obvious that he was increasingly uncomfortable around me.

He turned to Alice then. "Do you know anything about this video Mom and Carlisle are making us watch later?"

Alice shook her head, a crease forming in between her eyebrows. "Nope, haven't heard a thing."

"Apparently it's one of the conditions for Emmett getting his prom party," Edward added, rubbing the back of his neck and half shrugging.

Alice shrugged as well. "You know what they're like. It's probably some anti-drug, alcohol safety flick they make us watch at school. Where is Mom, by the way?"

"Um … I'm not sure," Edward replied, glancing over at me for a moment and smiling quickly—though he continued to appear awkward. "What are you guys doing now?"

"Right now, I want to talk to Mom—is Jazzy here yet?" Alice asked, before realising her mistake just as Edward immediately smirked.

"Jazzy? No not yet, but I'll be sure to let you know when he gets here, Alley Cat," he teased her.

Huffing with exasperation Alice shoved past him, before turning to me. "See what I have to put up with, Bella?"

I only fought the urge to grin.

"HOLY SHIT IT'S HOT! SOMEONE TURN ON THE FREAKING AIR CONDITIONING!" Emmett's bellowing voice boomed through the house, causing Edward to groan, only partially, under his breath.

"Wow, Karma works fast," Alice spoke up before flashing him a smug grin.

I threw him my best sympathetic, I-didn't hear-anything smile I could manage, being warmed by his returning smile, before following Alice into her bedroom.

"You guys really do torture Edward. You know that," I said to her, after dropping my bag at the foot of her bed.

She rolled her eyes. "Sometime soon, after the goo-goo-eyes phase you and Edward are presently in, I'll tell you about all the shit he gave Jazz and me when we first got together. Really, he was relentless."

My smile turned inward; I knew pretty well how relentless Edward was capable of being, but I preferred it to the fumbling, stammering person he was at the moment. I suspected a lot of it was him feeding off me, but just seemed typical that now that I was surrendering to—whatever it was he held over me—he was the one appearing uncertain about it. And the fact that I brought that out in him did not help stave off the panic I still felt about allowing myself to get so close to him.

I sighed deeply and in sync with Alice's exaggerated huff. "I swear you are exactly like my goofy brother. Just as spacey."

I opened my mouth to protest, but she only pulled me back out of the room before I could utter a single syllable, and we went in search of her mother.

We found her in the back garden.

While I stood silent and self-conscious beside her, with my heart hammered away in fearful anticipation, Alice explained the situation of going to Australia with me.

Mrs Cullen only stood looking at the ground as she listened to Alice, her fingers rubbing her chin in stoic contemplation.

"That's wonderful that you want to do this for Bella, Alice, but have you properly thought about it? For instance, where would you stay?" she spoke after a moment's pause.

"With Nummi," Alice replied simply, as if it went without saying.

I stared at her in surprise. I knew she had been chatting to Nummi and Rach on Facebook, but...

"S-she already offered, Bells," she explained quickly to me, a hint of guilt flashing in her eyes. "If you went back—for whatever reason—she extended me an invite."

I had the distinct impression that there was more to it than what Alice was disclosing. I only stood up a little straighter and folded my arms, feeling indignant without entirely knowing the reason why.

"And does Nummi's mother know of this arrangement?" Esme asked Alice, raising a dubious eyebrow.

Alice scoffed. "Of course she does."

"Well, I would like to speak to Nummi's mother before I agree to anything," Esme said pursing her lips together and eyeing Alice almost sceptically.

"So … if Nummi's mum is fine with it, are you fine with me going?" Alice asked, her eyes widening with hope, before she glanced at me and threw me an encouraging smile.

I hadn't realised it but I felt like I was suspended, barely able to take a breath until Mrs Cullen sighed and nodded her head. It was then when I all but dropped to my knees in relief.

"After I speak to Nummi's mother, I'll make the flight arrangements," she replied with a sigh that clearly indicated that she wasn't happy about it.

Slinging her arm over my shoulder, Alice walked me back towards the house. "See, I told you everything would sort itself out. Now all you have to do is relax."

"Yeah…" I mumbled, as the stirrings of anxiety began to swell within me.

I was really going back.

"Promise me you'll try and have fun at the prom with Edward, okay? The guy is a wreck," she stated. She was serious.

"I will, I promise. Now tell me what you and Nummi have been devising behind my back." I stopped walking and turned to face her squarely.

Her expression flickered with immediate guilt. I sighed.

"I guess she knows you, Bells, because she knew you would go back to see Kel, and she invited me to come with you," she confessed, her expression sincere.

"That's it?" I asked, arching an eyebrow sceptically.

"That's it," she promised.

I released my breath. "Okay."

When we walked back into the house, heading back upstairs, Edward was nowhere to be seen. No lurking; he just wasn't there. I decided not to let it plague my thoughts when there was probably nothing significant behind it. Edward was acting edgy, but then edgy wasn't even scraping the surface of what I'd been over the last few months.

It's not as if I could blame him.

I tried not to focus on it—or the fact that Edward, and all his charm and unpredictability still scared the crap out of me, but Alice remained acutely aware of it. In fact, we had not been in her room for an hour when she leaped to her feet, huffing out her breath impatiently. "That's it!" she snapped, leaving her room with a slam of the door.

She returned a moment later, dragging Edward with her.

"Jesus, Alice!" I heard him protest, seconds before they entered the room.

"This pining away the two of you are doing is driving me nuts!" Alice exclaimed, heading for the door again and grabbing the handle before looking back over at us. "I'm going to wait for Jazz, so get it out of your systems—or whatever!"

I was mortified, and when Edward met my gaze he seemed in empathy.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he said with a sigh, glancing down and rubbing the nape of his neck. "My sister's a pain in the ass."

I broke into a warm, albeit resigned, smile and opened my mouth to reply, when the door opened again. I looked over expecting to see Alice, but it was Mrs Cullen.

"Come on, guys. Carlisle's home and he has something for you to watch." There was a secretive smile on her lips before she quickly withdrew.

I threw Edward a curious glance; he shrugged once, his smile merging with his confusion, before we walked back into the hall.

"Great. A freakin' public service announcement all because bludge is an AA dropout," Emmett said begrudgingly, shoving Edward lightly as we headed toward the stairs.

I heard Edward sigh shortly to himself, and when I glanced over at him he was running his hand rigidly forward through his hair. Falling in step with him, I reached out to squeeze his hand. He immediately grabbed it, pulling me closer to him.

He kept his hand clamped around mine until we reached the living room, where he let go of it to sit beside me on the sofa. Actually, he was more squashed up against me than he was sitting with me; considering Alice and Jazz were already seated on the other half of the sofa with us.

Esme and Carlisle were waiting, the Television remote in Esme's hands and a DVD in Carlisle's.

"Okay, we're all here, so let's just get it out of the way," Emmett grumbled.

Esme smirked. "Emmett you can have your after prom party—parent free—," she began, only pausing for Emmett's boisterous "woohoo", before continuing, "but Carlisle and I would like all six of you to watch this video, and at least think about the consequences in life."

"Fair enough," Emmett uttered dryly, whipping his head around to scowl at Edward, who huffed this time in evident frustration.

"This has nothing to do with Edward, so leave him alone, Emmett," Esme said her tone turning reproachful.

Carlisle placed the DVD in the player and immediately the sound of low guttural sounding moaning filled the room, while Esme fumbled to work out the channel the television needed to be on.

Turning to Edward, I raised my brow questioningly. He only shook his head, half shrugging; his forehead puckering with the same degree of confusion.

"Dr Who. . ." Emmett drawled out, sounding almost impressed, despite the amount of surprise flooding his expression. "Dude, if you wanted to bond with us, you didn't need to buy us porn."

Jazz burst into practically stunned laughter before staring in astonishment at Alice, whose face was nothing short of aghast.

Clearing his throat sharply, Carlisle threw Emmett a disapproving look, before turning away, his face deepening as a frown etched his forehead—causing Emmett to chuckle.

"Mom!" Alice protested, horrified.

"Just hang on a minute!" Esme blurted with growing frustration, pressing button after button on the remote control without any success.

"Seriously?" I mouthed to Edward, almost as alarmed as Alice.

Edward only broke into a grin, shaking his head; though, he didn't look entirely confident as the moaning coming from the sound system increased and became more disturbing.

Esme and Carlisle continued to fiddle with the buttons on both the remote and television, and just when Esme truly looked like she was about to chuck a hissy, or rip her hair out, Emmett intercepted her, grabbing the remote.

"Give it to me, woman." He switched the television to the right channel to reveal a woman lying on a hospital bed, as a doctor—I presumed he was a doctor—had his hand up her—

Oh, God…

"What sort of kinky shit is this?" Emmett burst out.

The woman was giving birth.

Beside me Edward groaned and ran his hands down his face, almost mirroring Jazz's gaping reaction, just as it seemed Emmett clued on to the content of the movie and lunged to his feet.

"OH, HELL NO!"

"Emmett!" Esme raised her voice, the warning behind her tone clear, before pausing the video and motioning sternly for him to sit back down. "You're all going to watch this if I have to keep your eyes prized open with toothpicks—and that goes double for you two," she spoke pointedly at Jazz and Alice while the discomfort on Edward's face eased momentarily as a smirk tugged at his lips.

"Mom!" Alice objected. "We know where babies come from!"

"You might, but I bet you've never considered the end result. So watch."

Esme un-paused the video and the woman on the screen continued to writhe in agony, while her freaked out looking husband held her hand, appearing like he was going to faint.

For the next fifteen minutes of the movie, the woman went through periodical peaks of moaning and groaning like she was strapped to some kind of medieval torture device, before hyperventilating for a minute or so and then going back into cries of agony all over again.

It was genuinely disturbing.

After that the doctor came back into the room, examined the woman again by way of inserting his hand—I quickly averted my gaze, an involuntary shudder rippling through me. Edward looked down, rubbing his forehead with the palm of his hand, an almost inaudible groan escaping his lips.

"This is some fucked up, twisted shit!" Emmett burst in disbelief.

"Emmett for the love—watch your language, please!" Esme warned him, sounding increasingly more exasperated.

Edward grinned to himself while his eyes were safely turned away from the screen.

"Edward…" Esme's eyes motioned pointedly to the television.

Sighing, he reluctantly turned back.

The Doctor announced that the woman was in "transition" before putting her legs in stirrups, giving us a direct view of her—

"You've got to be kidding me! Who would agree to be filmed during this?" Alice burst out in disbelief.

"Keep watching," Esme encouraged with a small grin.

Beside me, Edward shifted uncomfortably, clearing his throat and bowing his head to squeeze the bridge of his nose. I grabbed his hand—it was practically involuntary.

It was then that the woman's . . . birth canal began to open with the emergence of a slimy looking black haired grapefruit. She grunted and moaned simultaneously, her face slowly going purple, while her eyes all but bulged out of her head.

"Man, how far does it s-stretch?" Jazz stammered, his voice hitching at the back of his throat.

With the woman's agonising efforts, the crown of the baby's head emerged, only to go back in, over and over, as a pinkish fluid oozed out of the sides every time the head bulged. Naturally, it caused collective outcries of revulsion to echo throughout the living room—mostly from Emmett.

It was graphic and gory, and feeling slightly queasy I swallowed thickly and almost instinctively leaned into Edward; who all but turned his head and buried his face into my neck in order to avoid watching.

"Oh, fuck this shit!" Emmett stated.

"Emmett!" Esme immediately countered, in warning.

From my partially obstructed view from under Edward's arm, the doctor suddenly produced a pair of … scissors and proceeded to cut. I hastily clamped my eyes shut just as the spine shuddering snipping sound was almost drowned out by Emmett's continued protests.

"This is freaking ridiculous! Just chop my cock off now!"

"EMMETT!" Esme repeated, her voice bordering all out exacerbation.

I opened my eyes, just as a small face popped out, causing a shocked sort of yelp to burst from the woman, making both Edward and I jump. Immediately turning away again, my gaze fell on Alice. She was being shielded by Jazz, her face buried in his chest, while Jazz was sporting a very sallow tinge to his expression.

I glanced at Rose next; she was watching the movie, but with an incredibly disturbed, horror-stricken expression twisted into her features.

Emmett had laid his head back against the sofa, with both his hands covering his face. When he removed them, he revealed the pasty pallor of his skin, before throwing a cushion directly at the television.

"This is bullshit, Mom! Turn this shit off!" he hollered, sounding for the first time genuinely annoyed.

"It's not over yet. Alice and Jazz, eyes on the screen!" Esme spoke sternly; though, as I glanced at her, her lips were twitching with concentrated amounts of amusement.

"Mom, Jazz isn't feeling well," Alice complained, and next to me Edward all but snorted.

"Jazz will live; this is life," Esme replied.

Esme caught my gaze then, an intentionally sly smile continuing to play at her lips. I hastily turned back to the screen, just in time to see the baby's body slip from the woman in one violent motion, earning a huge sigh of relief from her.

I think I convulsed, as Edward expelled every molecule of air from his lungs, while Jazz uttered a nauseated, grateful sounding moan.

Emmett had gone back to covering his face with his huge palms, chanting over, and over, "This is bullshit, this is bullshit, this is bullshit…"

Esme only huffed with aggravation, but had obviously given up trying to reprimand him.

"I am never going through natural childbirth!" Alice exclaimed with a resolute vow, while Jazz murmured something to her that made a grin break across her face.

"Me either," I murmured softly to Edward.

This seemed to amuse him, before he exhaled it quickly through his nose.

The baby was placed on the mother's chest where it started wailing. The woman cried along with it, while the father still looked like he was contemplating the idea of fainting.

"It looks like a skinned rabbit," Jazz admitted, his voice dropping, appalled.

Emmett pulled himself up from the sofa. "Well thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dr Evil—that's a freaking hour I'm never getting back!"

"Who says it's finished," Esme spoke, folding her arms across her chest and turning her eyes to the sofa; motioning for him to sit back down.

"Screw that, I'm done!" Emmett declared.

"Emmett—down!" Esme demanded, sounding so intimidating that he begrudgingly obeyed, muttering only partially under his breath.

The next part of the scene was the delivery of the placenta.

Jazz groaned loudly, repulsed. "What the hell was that—a liver?" he uttered, his voice failing at the end, before allowing Alice to pull him back against her.

"It looks like a rump steak," Emmett added, looking nauseated. "Okay, Mom, when's this shit over?" he demanded.

"Soon, keep watching," Esme replied, her grin growing broader.

The doctor held up the placenta. It was a deep purple, reddish colour and actually did look like a liver.

"Oh, Jesus, that's fucked up!" Emmett declared. "Why did we even have to watch this shit? Don't the fathers stay up the tit end?"

"EMMETT!" Esme shouted, past all pretences of patience.

"I'll say!" Jazz agreed, as Esme tilted her head at the screen sternly.

I turned back to the television, and openly shuddered. The woman was now being stitched up, and the camera had zoomed in for an extreme close up.

"Oh, bugger that!" I mumbled cringing, hearing Edward chuckle softly, before he reached over and donged my knee playfully.

I turned to him and caught his hand again, feeling the need for emotional support as well.

His hand was clammy.

"So is this woman … like gonna need re-constructive surgery after that shit? Her cooch looks like the back end of cooked chicken," Emmett inquired, his face twisted, repelled, though his question seemed genuine.

"The perineum acts like an elastic," Carlisle explained, speaking for the first time. He'd watched the video with a serious, neutral expression on his face, seeming completely unperturbed by it.

"The peri—who?" Emmett asked, his tone blank, before he turned to Esme without waiting for Carlisle's reply. "What do you think the party is going to be anyway? A mass orgy?"

Esme smirked. "It pays to be cautious."

"Well, in that case, you should have just given those two," he pointed to Alice and Jazz as a devious smirk grew across his face, "a private viewing and spared the rest of us!"

Alice scoffed, while Jazz rubbed his forehead looking suddenly uncomfortable.

"Okay, okay," Esme sighed, before she turned back to the screen. "It's almost finished."

The last section was the woman breastfeeding the baby, which had turned from being shrivelled up and purple, from a moment ago, to a cute little pink thing.

"Aww look, Jazzy … sweet." Alice sighed, snuggling into Jazz, who all but rolled his eyes.

The minute the video was over, Emmett was on his feet. "My cock's going to be traumatised for weeks," he muttered, grabbing Rose's hand and tugging her after him.

"If you ever do that to me, I guarantee that I will chop it off," she stated, matter-of-factly, without a shred of humour.

"All I know is that I'm so freaking glad I have balls!" Emmett declared loudly.

Esme sighed.

"Ditto to that," Jazz mumbled in agreement, more or less to himself.

"I hope you guys will keep this in mind." Esme sighed again, no longer sounding confident.

"It was too graphic—blegh!" Alice added, with an over emphasised shudder. "Jazzy will you pay for me to have caesarean sections?"

Jazz grinned. "Surely will, Alley."

Edward got up from the sofa in a single motion, sighing as he did, before flashing me that askew grin while extending his hand to me. I took it and he helped me up.

"That was … screwed up," he murmured to me, pulling me closer to his side as we followed Jazz and Alice out of the room.

I glanced up at him, he looked frazzled and more over heated than he usually did.

"It was," I replied, laughing softly. "You okay?" I asked him after a moment, noticing the tense way the muscles in his jaw were clenching.

"Yeah … you?"

I half shrugged and nodded, simultaneously.

"NOW BRING ON THE ROOTING!" Emmett suddenly boomed.

From behind us, Esme exhaled heavily in evident resignation.

"How much of that do you think actually sunk in?" Carlisle asked her, a trace of amusement echoing in his tone.

"I have hopes for Edward and Bella," was Esme's reply.

"Are you serious?" Carlisle responded with a note of surprise. "They're the ones I'd worry about the most." His tone lowered in emphasis; though, Edward and I both clearly heard him.

I paused, feeling my forehead crease as I fought to grasp the meaning behind Carlisle's words. Edward's grip on my hand tightened. I turned to look back up at him; he was already gazing down at me. That formidable smile was mingled with confusion, but it was still enough to wipe every thought from my mind as I stared straight into the oncoming storm … and smiled back.

A/N: I had to watch a youtube video to write that birth video. WTF do people want to upload shit like that for? BLEGH, HEAVE, RETCH, PUKE...