Connor woke before his alarm on Friday morning and he stared up at his ceiling. He pulled his comforter tightly up around his chin and took a deep breath. There was sunlight streaming through the thin slits of his blinds and he could imagine the blue sky that was waiting for him outside. He turned his head to the side and saw the little cactus that he'd bought with Jude and a good feeling flooded through him. Yesterday had been the nice, quiet day that he had hoped it would be. Today, he felt good. He was going to meet Jude's parents today.
That thought made him nervous. He had met his ex-boyfriend's parents before he'd been with the other man, back when he was just a friend of his little brother's. He hadn't been allowed back around them until shortly before his eighteenth birthday and he had never been allowed around when his ex's brother had been home, which hadn't mattered for long, since the boy had died of alcohol poisoning on his graduation night. His ex's mother was a quiet woman and, though Connor had never seen evidence to support it, he thought that his ex and his father were a lot alike. He didn't know what Stef and Lena would be like, but he wanted them to be sweet people and he wanted them to like him. From the way Jude spoke of them sometimes, they seemed to nearly be saints, but that didn't mean that they would like him. They might not think that he was good enough for Jude – and though Connor knew that to be true, he didn't want it confirmed; Jude certainly didn't seem to believe that Connor wasn't good enough for him.
Connor rolled over and picked up his cell phone, calling his father.
"Hey, Connor. How are you?"
"I'm feeling conflicted."
"About what?" Adam said patiently.
"Jude wants me to go to dinner at his parents' house tonight."
"Oh. I see." Adam cleared his throat. "You didn't tell me that before."
"N-n-no." Connor curled himself under the comforter. "I'm sorry."
"It's fine, Connor," Adam said. "Did you talk about this with Dr. Scott?"
"She s-s-said it was fine to go. Th-that I would b-be fine."
"Then why don't you think it's fine?"
Connor curled up under the blanket. Adam no longer sounded patient. "I … just worried. It's dumb. I'm sorry."
"I just don't think that things are as big of a deal as you think they are sometimes," Adam said. "I'm trying to understand. But if you are in a good place and Jude's as good of a person as you say, then there shouldn't be any problem. It's that simple."
"You're right," Connor said. "I … Okay."
"Tell me when you're home for the night and we'll talk again," Adam said. "I'm busy right now."
"Oh. Sorry, Dad. Have a good day."
"You too. I love you."
"You too."
Connor hung up, feeling slightly deflated. His alarm began to blare and Connor forced himself to sit up. He could feel parts of himself begin to close off. He didn't like the feelings of rejection that came from his conversation. He shouldn't expose his thoughts and feelings to people like that. He should keep things curled up inside of him like before. He should go back to his neutral self. Being happy or sad or all of the things that existed in between was work.
He pushed himself out of bed, moving through his morning routine of showering, shaving, and dressing. He quickly packed his bag and then he was out the door, walking to class. He made into his seat before Jude showed up, which wasn't unusual, and Jude was there just a few minutes later.
"Morning, baby," Jude said. He had a large coffee cup in his hand and took a long drink of it.
"You sound tired."
"A little," Jude admitted. "I napped after work yesterday and so I didn't sleep at all last night."
"I'm sorry."
"We're going to get more coffee after class," Jude declared, and then he rested his head against Connor's shoulder. "Can I just sleep during class?"
"You won't get to take notes.""
"Kroger puts the lectures online, right?"
"Yeah."
"And I'll buy you cookies and bribe you into giving me your notes."
"That might not work."
"Or fries. Or … bread. Or whatever it'll take to bribe you."
"Bread?" Connor asked, laughing.
"I'm tired," Jude whined, but he sounded so cute when he did it that Connor just smiled to himself. "I'm very sleepy."
Jude was warm and heavy against his side, but he wasn't suffocating. Connor glanced around, but no one was paying attention to he and Jude – they all had bigger things to care about than two boys in the back of the lecture hall. He leant his head on top of Jude's briefly. "You could have stayed home."
"And miss the best class ever?!" Jude said, upbeat for a moment. "No. I didn't want to stay home."
"Are you going to be too tired to drive later?"
"Nope. I'll be perfectly fine by driving time."
"Are you sure?" Connor asked.
"Yeah. There's like an hour and a half between when class is over and when I have to leave, so I'll probably go home and take a real nap. Not that you and the lecture seats aren't comfy."
"Good morning!" Kroger yelled.
Connor glanced down toward Jude, but he only saw the top of his head. Connor just shook his head and tilted his notebook toward him, feeling bad that his arm was jiggling Jude's head as he wrote. Jude didn't seem to mind. Every so often, he would make a little comment about the lecture, but he seemed to be more asleep than awake. Connor felt trusted as Jude slumped against him, muttering something about The Odyssey. The moment Kroger dismissed them, Connor said, "I'd like to go with you tonight. If … if you still w-want me too."
"Yeah!" Jude sat up, his cheeks rounding with a grin. "I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to push. But I really wanted you to come with."
"I'm curious. I want to go."
"I hope you like them."
"Do you think they'll like me?" Connor asked anxiously.
"They're going to love you," Jude said. "No question."
He yawned and Connor started packing up. "We can talk when you're awake."
"You've got high hopes for one cup of coffee."
"I'll buy you two," Connor offered.
He stood and offered Jude his hand. Jude let Connor pull him from the short lecture seat, though he didn't need the help. Connor kept a hold of him as they walked across campus. Jude steered him to the closest café, where a long line of students had already started to gather. Jude ran his hands across his face.
"Did you not sleep at all?"
"I woke up at midnight after going to sleep at two. It was a weird yesterday." He tried to lean his head on Connor's shoulder, but then he straightened up indignantly. "You're too short."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Connor said, and then he frowned at himself. Jude and he didn't talk to each other that way. He turned so that he could see Jude's face. "That … That's not my fault."
"I know." Jude kissed his temple. "You're the tallest guy I've ever dated, you know."
Connor shook his head.
"You are. And I like you the way you are." Jude squeezed his hand.
Connor could have heaved a sigh. Jude saw through him too easily, especially when his insecurities started niggling at him. He tried to push them away by telling himself that Jude liked him because of who he was and not because of who Jude thought he could turn Connor into. Connor looked at the menu boards ahead of him, trying to focus on something else. "Do you know what a London Fog is?"
"It's an Earl Grey tea and vanilla latte, I think," Jude said. "I like them."
"Do you know what you want?"
"I'm thinking about a mocha."
They were at the front of the line and Connor walked up and ordered for the two of them. Jude squeezed his hand.
"Thank you, baby. You didn't have to do that."
"I know," Connor said, shuffling to the side where they picked up their drinks. "But is it okay if I wanted to?"
Jude smiled at him brilliantly. "That's my line."
"That's my favourite thing about you, Jude. For everything we have to do together, I just plain want to do most of it. There's not a lot of things I feel I have to do."
Jude wrapped his arms around Connor. "I like hearing that."
"You're a little clingy today."
"Really cuddly and reallytired go hand in hand sometimes," Jude murmured.
Connor picked up their drinks and followed Jude over to a small metal table. The chairs in the café were uncomfortable and Connor shifted. Jude was inhaling his mocha happily.
"Real food might help," Connor said.
Jude put his coffee cup down and reached inside of his bag. He pulled out a homemade sandwich and put it on the table in front of him. He raised his eyebrows at Connor and then he went back to his mocha. Connor shook his head and picked up his latte, trying it. It was a foamy drink, seemingly overly so, but he liked it. The flavours were sweet and addicting. He almost didn't want to put it down in order to open up the salad that he'd made for himself last night.
"What did you do yesterday?" Jude asked, slumping one elbow on the table and then leaning heavily on it.
"Nothing," Connor answered. "Well, no. I studied. I took my bike around campus again and then I went to the drug store and got new shampoo. Really exciting stuff, I know."
Jude was just staring at him, a goofy look on his face. Connor felt self-conscious at the expression in Jude's eyes.
"What?" Connor asked.
"I just … I really like you, that's all." Jude slumped across the table even further. "I just really, really like you."
"Don't like me too much," Connor warned. "I'm not all there."
"You're more than enough," Jude said. "I mean, I like you enough to take you home to my parents and it's only the beginning of November."
Connor shrugged and picked up his fork. "Don't like me too much … And not too quickly. That won't work out."
"Uh, I don't think I like you too much," Jude mused. "Maybe too quickly. But, you know, baby, I don't think I like you in a bad way. I mean, like, possessive or crazy or –"
"Like what I'm used to," Connor interrupted.
"I-I-I," Jude stuttered, and it was so strange to Connor that it was Jude doing so. Usually it was he who didn't know how to talk or get his words out properly. "I didn't mean to make it sound like that."
"It is what it is." Connor sighed.
Jude took a drink of his mocha, then he leant toward Connor, looking far too serious for Connor's liking. He bit down heavily on his bottom lip and he drew his hands into his lap, clenching them tightly together.
"I want to ask something, but I need you to know that you don't have to answer, baby. I know it might be a bad question."
"Okay," Connor whispered.
"What happened to him? Why did you two break-up?"
Connor drew in a sharp breath. December, too late, hands reaching for him, waking up with – "We broke up. He's in jail. That's all."
"I'm sorry I asked."
"Me too." Connor hung his head and stared at the metal table. He'd never be free. Someday, Jude might know the whole story. Jude might stop talking to him when he knew the entire story; he didn't know. Connor hated knowing the whole story. He hated reliving his pain and he hated the thought that Jude might pity him when he knew all that had happened.
Connor let himself fall completely down against the table.
"I'm so sorry," Jude said.
"He's gone," Connor murmured against the table. "Gone."
It had killed him when he had first realized that his boyfriend was now, officially, an ex-boyfriend. It had taken him too long to come to grips with the fact that he'd never see the man again. Connor had completely forgotten how to be without him and that thought was so terrifying that they'd had to put him on a sedative to avoid injuring himself further. The memory rattled around in his brain, but Connor couldn't say any of that to Jude. It was all something that Jude didn't need to know. Especially right now.
He forced himself to sit up and look at Jude. He couldn't let himself get swept away like that. He had to stay grounded. He reached out one hand and held Jude's. Jude was solid and warm. Jude was in the here and now, and Connor had to be in the here and now with him. Jude was his boyfriend, who treated him with respect and listened to how he felt about everything, and Connor cared about him. Jude was staring at him with genuine affection and concern in his expression, and it could have torn Connor apart. He didn't deserve Jude or the way that Jude felt about him.
"I won't ask about him again," Jude said. "I'll just listen if you ever want to tell me."
"Okay," Connor whispered. "Thank you."
Jude squeezed his hand, put a packet of sour belts on the table, and smiled. Connor could feel tears pricking at his eyes.
"I want you to be happy," Jude said. "I was actually saving the sour belts for if you drove down to Moms, so you'd have them then."
"You …" Connor breathed; he was definitely going to cry. "You spoil me."
"Oh, hardly, baby," Jude said. "It's candy."
Connor let go of Jude to pick up the cool plastic, crinkling it between his hands. He hadn't been thinking that Jude spoilt him with things. Jude was generous with his feelings. He cared about people like he would never run out of love to give. He was considerate and free with his thoughts. He made Connor feel like he mattered; he bought him a bag of candy that he knew Connor liked, even though Connor hadn't asked for it, and he hadn't expected to get anything in return or have Connor bargain for it. Oftentimes, when his ex came home with something, particularly if it was something that he knew Connor either loved or desired, he would use it against Connor. When he was kind and did something like buy the expensive baking chocolate Connor liked, Connor would fall to his knees on the cold kitchen tile. Jude didn't think that. Connor wondered if Jude had even thought about the two of them doing that physically.
"Do you still want to come to Moms' tonight?" Jude asked. "I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry I did."
"I know. I … I'll be okay. I'd still like to meet your parents."
"I hope you like them," Jude said. "Okay, let's walk to class."
They walked and talked nothing but logistics of the evening. Connor decided that he would bike over to Jude's around six and then they would start driving. His stomach fluttered at the thought of actually reaching Jude's house and shaking hands with his parents, but he pushed it away. He had gone over to Jude's apartment, alone and without forethought, and that had to have been a lot harder than this. He had known Jude a lot less then and had been a lot less confident in how well Jude would treat him.
Jude kissed him gently on the cheek, and Connor didn't reach for another hug or kiss like he had before. His ex was still on his mind and, as much as he didn't want him to be and as much as he wanted to be able to think about just Jude, he couldn't. He wasn't healed enough yet. His ex wasn't far enough in the past yet. He slunk into his statistics class, curling in on himself. He focused on the equations in front of him, though he didn't really need to. When he'd been at home, taking online courses, he'd taken statistics then. It was just that his credit didn't transfer over. But Connor remembered most of it, and this was one of the sections that he might have been less diligent about, if it had been a different day. As it was, he copied down every number and letter and line that appeared in front of him.
He was still happy when he classes wrapped up for the day. His small room was comforting. He locked the doors, checked the windows and the bathroom, and then he let out a sigh as he sunk onto his small bed. He reached under his bed to where he kept his textbooks and picked up his anthology for CLST. It included a lot of myths and different stories, and their class didn't cover all of it. Connor settled his comforter around his shoulders and settled against his pillows, flipping around until he found the beginning of the myth about Icarus, and he settled in to read.
He read until ten minutes before he had to go and bike over to Jude's. He picked up his back pack again and he put a fresh shirt in it to put on at Jude's. The bike to Jude's wasn't that strenuous, but it was warm out, and he didn't want to smell like sweat when he met Jude's mothers. He was shaking as he put his bag over his shoulder and grabbed his phone and keys. He double checked that he'd locked his door behind him and then headed into the basement, unlocking his bike. He wrestled it up the stairs, rather than taking the elevator.
Connor paused outside of his building. It was his last chance to text Jude and tell him that he'd changed his mind. But he wasn't going to do that. He pulled on his helmet and got on his bike, peddling toward Jude. It didn't take him nearly as long as the walk did, and he found that he liked the freedom of coming and going. He like driving around with Jude but, even more, he liked knowing that he had another option. Connor walked his bike down the path to Jude's front door and knocked, realizing that he'd never done that before.
Jude opened the door, smiling at him. Jude always seemed to be smiling at him and Connor was starting to believe that he could completely trust his smile.
"Right on time," Jude said. "Bring the bike in. We'll lock it in here, okay?"
Connor nodded and steered the bike inside.
"Ready to go?" Jude asked.
"Oh. May I use the washroom first?"
"Yeah," Jude said. "Anything you want for the drive?"
Connor shook his head. "I put the sour belts in my back pack."
He carried his bag into the bathroom with him and he slipped off the button-up and the t-shirt that he'd been wearing all day. As he usually did, Connor turned his back on the mirror, but that didn't mean that he could avoid the scars. He tried not to stare at his torso, but sometimes, he would find himself absently running his fingers over his scars, losing himself in memories that he didn't have. He cleared his mind and pulled a fresh white t-shirt on and then he pulled his button-up on, his gaze catching on his forearm. Those memories, he had, and it made him hurt every time. He shoved his arm through his sleeve and carefully buttoned the sleeves shut. He didn't want anyone to see.
Connor left the bathroom and walked over to Jude, who was sitting on the arm of his couch, texting. "I'm just telling Moms we're about to leave."
"Okay."
Connor's arm was shaking as he reached out and put it around Jude's shoulders. His ex wouldn't have liked it. His ex didn't like to be held; he preferred to be the one doing the holding. Jude didn't seem to care. Jude just cuddled into his side, putting both arms around Connor's waist.
"Ready?"
"I think so."
"They're not scary," Jude said "I promise."
"I think I believe you."
Jude squeezed him once and then he was on his feet. Connor took his hand and he didn't let go of it, even as Jude locked his front door and they walked up to the car together. Jude opened Connor's door for him.
"A little chivalry never hurt anyone," Jude said.
"Thank you."
Jude closed the door and Connor kept an eye on him as he walked around and got in the driver's seat. He started Gerald, but before he could be the car in reverse, Connor whispered his name.
"What?" Jude asked, turning toward him.
Connor leant forward over the console and Jude met his lips. Connor closed his eyes, his heart fluttering over the brief kiss. "Nothing."
"That's not nothing," Jude said, sitting back and starting to drive. "Do you know how happy I am, baby?"
Connor didn't see how anyone could be anything less than stressed and frustrated around him. "I want you to be happy."
"I am happy," Jude said. "I'm happy with you."
Connor didn't know what to say to that. He pulled at a loose thread on the bottom of his shirt.
"Are you happy?" Jude asked.
Connor looked out the window. Things were beginning to become unfamiliar and his skin crawled a little. He didn't know where he was going. Jude could be taking him anywhere.
"Connor?"
"I like being with you better than being without you," Connor replied. "Happy we're friends. Happy we're … more. I-I-I like you and being around you makes me happy. But sometimes I can't escape how sad … past things makes me. I'm sorry."
"That's not something you have to be sorry for. No one's happy all the time. I just wanted to make sure that you liked being with me and that it made you happy."
"Did you think it didn't?" Connor couldn't fathom how Jude could think that being around him wasn't a good thing. Connor had been looking forward to seeing Jude since the first time they had lunch. He remembered walking around campus on the following Thursday, wondering if coincidence would help him run into Jude, although now he knew that Jude didn't have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Jude meant a lot to him and being around Jude made him feel wonderful.
"I just know you have a past and I know that it's prevalent sometimes." Jude shrugged. "I just know that, even though it might not be about me sometimes, that you can get sad."
"No one's happy all the time," Connor repeated, and Jude smirked. "But I'm happier than not when I'm with you."
Jude took one hand off the wheel and he offered it to Connor. Connor threaded their fingers together. Jude gave Connor his phone to plug into the radio and Connor crept through his music, feeling a bit like an intruder. He found a song that he recognized and he picked it, letting the sweet slow strands fill the car.
"Last night I had a crazy dream,
"A wish was granted just for me,
"It could be for anything,
"I didn't ask for money,
"Or a mansion in Malibu,
"I simply wished for one more day with you."
"This was my mom's favourite song," he revealed to Jude.
"It's beautiful."
Connor paused, drinking in the chorus before he spoke again.
"One more day, one more time,
"One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied,
"But then again, I know what it would do,
"Leave me wishing still for one more day with you,
"One more day."
"She'd play it whenever we went anywhere, even just to the grocery store," Connor said. He wished he'd asked her what drew her to such a sad song while he had the chance. Now, he'd never know. "I … C-can I tell you something?"
"Always, baby."
"I never played it for him. Not like this. I mean, he heard it, because I played it a lot, but I never told him about Mom." He was crying and, though he roughly tried to brush the tears away, they wouldn't stop falling. "I-I-I don't know what that means."
"Hopefully it means that you trust me," Jude said.
"I do."
"Leave me wishing still, for one more day,
"Leave me wishing still, for one more day."
Jude kissed the back of his hand, and Connor cried about that too. He wished that Jude weren't driving so that Jude could hold him. He broke down again when that realization hit him. He wanted to be touched. He wanted to have physical comfort from Jude.
"Oh, baby, it's okay," Jude murmured.
"I'm happy I know you," Connor whimpered.
"I'm happy I know you too," Jude said, and he kissed Connor's hand again. "Why don't you play me another of your favourite songs?"
"W-w-what about your favourites?"
"We can play mine on the way back. That fair?"
"Yes," Connor agreed. He went through the songs again and he found a happy song that he liked. It wasn't a favourite, necessarily, and he felt like he was betraying Jude by not doing as he'd asked, really, but he wanted to listen to it, and he felt like Jude would understand.
He and Jude didn't let go of one another the entire drive. Connor focused more on picking music than looking out the window and seeing how unknown the world outside was. That would only scare him more. His heart started skipping beats when Jude squeezed his hand and said, "This is my street."
Connor looked up. It was a nice, quiet residential street. The two-story house whose driveway that Jude pulled into didn't stand out from the rest around it. Connor bit his lip and stared at the porch, and then he turned off his phone and tucked it in his backpack. He wanted to pay attention to this place and these people. This was where Jude had grown up since just before he turned thirteen years old. This might be the most important place that Jude ever took him to and, inside, were two of the most important people that Jude could ever introduce him to.
"They don't bite, I promise."
Connor cracked a shaky smile. "I believe you."
"Ready?"
Connor took a deep breath. No, no, no. This was too much too fast. He barely knew Jude. He had no idea what he was doing. They were going to hate him. They were going to know, right off the bat, that he wasn't good enough for Jude. They would want someone whole for their son, someone who wasn't broken, someone who wasn't going to hurt him just because of how screwed up they were. He looked over at Jude, at his open, happy face with those brown eyes that Connor could stare into for hours. He doubted that Jude would be with someone that his family disproved of, but he also knew that Jude liked him. From what he knew of Jude's family, he hoped that it would be enough for them that Jude cared. Maybe they would care about him too. Connor was surprised by how much he wanted to be liked by Jude's mothers and how much their acceptance meant to him; it meant nearly as much as his father accepting Jude meant.
"I'm ready."
Jude beamed at him, and then they turned away from each other to get out of the car. Connor lingered by Gerald's door until Jude walked around to meet him. Jude put his hand around Connor's waist as they walked, and Connor was grateful for it. In this strange place of unknowns, he wanted to be as anchored to Jude as possible. They walked up the front porch steps and Connor felt like he could have died as Jude opened the front door.
But he walked inside anyway.
Jude kicked off his shoes and yelled loudly for his mothers, while Connor carefully took his shoes off and put them next to Jude's.
"Kitchen!" came the answering reply.
Connor was going to throw up as Jude took his hand and pulled him through the house. He was trembling when they walked into the kitchen. Connor tried to focus on the little details of it – how it was a nice sized kitchen, but the island made it look small, and how the tiles were nice and clean – but he couldn't distract himself for long from the two women ahead of him. He knew that there were pictures of them in Jude's apartment, but Connor had never studied them and had never really been close to them.
The woman who had been seated at the island stood up. She was beautiful, with big curly hair and brown skin. Her eyes were dark; they were uncomfortably close to the colour of Connor's ex's eyes. But there was such warmth and such light in her eyes that it was easy to look beyond it. She held out a slender hand to Connor. "Hi, I'm Lena."
Connor had to let go of Jude in order to reach for her hand. Jude didn't want to let go of Connor, though, and Connor was grateful as he slipped to the other side to pick up his left hand. He squeezed Jude tightly to avoid shaking as he took Lena's hand. She looked like a mother. Over her shoulder, a blonde woman had appeared. She was more muscled than Lena, with hair that almost touched her shoulders.
"And I'm Stef," she added. "It's nice to meet you."
Connor had to take her hand too. "You too. Oh, I'm Connor," he tacked on quickly, realizing that he hadn't said it.
"Would you like anything to drink?" Stef offered. "Supper will be done in about ten minutes."
"We hope you like pork chops," Lena added.
Connor looked uncertainly at Jude, who smiled at him, and took over. "Do we have iced tea? Here, Connor, I'll get you a glass."
He pulled out a seat at the island a little, and Connor sat in it, glad that it was the one on the end. Lena went back to her spot at the other end of the island, while Stef returned to the stove, checking on the pots. Jude buzzed around, and Connor was left with Lena's warm gaze. Connor felt like he had to say something to her.
"I-I like pork chops," he settled on, even though he was feeling like an idiot for saying it.
"Good. Jude said you were a great cook."
"I like cooking," Connor said. He glanced at Jude and then looked down at the island, feeling a blush touch his cheekbones. "He seems to like eating it."
"Ignore his modesty. He's the best cook I know."
"Then you can make your own dinner," Stef said.
"I love you, Mom," Jude said.
Stef shook her head at him. Jude put a glass down in front of Connor, and Connor wrapped both hands around it, grateful for even the slightest distraction. He didn't like to be the centre of attention.
"I'd make it fancy and add lemon, but Moms don't have one," Jude said.
"Did you even look in the fridge?" Lena asked.
Jude shrugged. "Why would you have a lemon?"
"There's one in the produce drawer," Stef said.
Jude rolled his eyes. "Would you like a lemon slice, Connor?"
"You don't have to go through the trouble," Connor replied.
"I would love iced tea with lemon," Lena said.
"See, I'm doing it anyway."
"Okay, that would be nice. Thank you."
Jude brushed his fingers along the outside of Connor's thigh reassuringly as he stood up again. Connor was left with no barrier between himself and Lena. She started asking him simple questions, about where he lived and what he was in school for, did he like the university, how were his classes? Connor answered simply, reminding himself to breathe. He was happy when Jude sat back down, adding a wedge of lemon to Connor's glass as he did so. He took up space between Connor and Lena, and though Connor didn't believe, whatsoever, that Lena would hurt him, he was glad to have the familiarity of Jude between them.
Stef mostly did a lot of listening, letting her wife take the reins in questioning Connor. Connor was grateful that they both weren't asking him questions at the same time. He would get overwhelmed with that far too quickly and the last thing that he wanted to do was have a breakdown at Jude's parents' house, particularly where it was his first time meeting them. On the heels of that, came an uncomfortable suspicion. He wondered how much Jude had told them about him; he wondered how much Stef and Lena knew about his past. If Jude had talked to Taylor, then Connor couldn't imagine that Jude hadn't talked to Stef and Lena about him.
"Who's hungry?" Stef asked. "Why don't you come here, Connor, and portion your vegetables out?"
"Oh, I d-d –" He'd been about to protested that he didn't need to be served first, really, but Jude squeezed his hand and nodded for him to go ahead. "Thank you."
He made sure to take no more than his share, and he lingered awkwardly off to the side as everyone else was served. Stef and Jude were shaking their heads at one another, as Stef had accused him of getting taller, again, and Jude had decided that she was just starting to shrink.
"Dining room is just over here, Connor," Lena said. "Let's head in together."
Connor looked over at Jude, but Jude was busying himself with a spoonful of peas and Connor was left with no choice but to trail after Lena and to a bigger dining room table. She waved him to a particular seat, saying that Jude usually sat in the one next to him. She sat across from him and Connor was glad for that. He thought that he felt a little more comfortable around Lena, if only because she'd done most of the talking already.
"Nervous about meeting us?" she asked.
"A little," Connor admitted. There was no point in lying about it.
"What do you think of us now?"
"I'm still nervous," he confessed.
"It's easy to see why Jude likes you," Lena said.
Connor didn't understand why Jude liked him and what Lena was seeing. But he looked down and whispered a thank you anyway. He was still relieved when Stef and Jude came in and sat down.
"Oh, good news," Stef said. "Jesus is definitely not getting evicted."
"And he decided to buy the new car, so we're glad that he doesn't have to pay for moving expenses on top of that," Lena added.
"He has to find someone else to live with though," Stef continued. "The roommate isn't renewing his lease."
"That's good," Jude said.
"Do you have siblings, Connor?" Stef asked.
"No. It's just me and my father," Connor said.
"Siblings are great if you don't care about personal space," Jude said.
"As the baby, I think you got personal space more than anyone," Lena mused. "Just because they all moved out first."
Jude coughed and it sounded suspiciously like 'Brandon'. Stef and Lena either didn't hear him as clearly as Connor had or they had elected to overlook what he'd said.
"Brandon and the woman I told you about are going out tonight," Stef said.
"Uh, the mom of one of his students, right?" Jude asked, then, as an aside to Connor, "Brandon teaches piano."
Connor nodded. He remembered Jude telling him that Brandon played piano; he didn't remember if Jude had ever said that Brandon taught.
"Hopefully it goes well," Lena said.
"A seven-year-old boy would be a nice start on grandchildren," Stef added.
Jude was rolling his eyes. "You're too young to be grandparents."
"And, really, the kids are too young to be parents," Stef decided. "We can wait on the grandchildren."
Lena was nodding in agreement.
Connor focused on his food as Lena gave Jude an update on Mariana's thesis. He didn't mind being left out of the conversation. Talking was exhausting, and he didn't feel like he was being cut out. Jude, every so often, would explain something to him that he hadn't previously. But Jude talked a lot about his family and Connor felt like he understood most of what was being said. Finally, Stef asked him how he liked his food.
"It's really good," Connor said earnestly. "Thank you for having me for dinner. I don't mean to interrupt your family time."
"You're not interrupting anything," Stef assured him. "We're happy to have you."
"I'm happy to meet you, too," Connor replied. "Jude talks about you a lot."
"Good things?" Lena asked.
"Mostly," Jude said slyly, while Connor nodded beside him.
"He loves you a lot," Connor murmured, and then he stopped, wondering if he had a place to speak about Jude's feelings, as obvious as these ones were to him.
"We love him too," Lena said.
Under the table, Jude rubbed his sock foot against the side of Connor's. Connor jumped at the first contact, but then he relaxed as Jude poked his toe against his ankle.
"Are you finished?" Jude asked him.
"Yes, thank you."
"I'm going to give Connor a little tour," Jude told his parents, standing up.
Connor quickly scrambled to his feet too. He gathered his plates up in his hands, as Jude did.
"We'll be back in a few," Jude said, and they left the dining room.
"Upstairs rules!" Lena called after him.
"I'm an adult!" Jude shouted back.
"Rules!" Stef echoed, and Jude just laughed.
"Rules?" Connor asked as they put their dishes in the sink.
"No significant others upstairs," Jude said.
"Oh."
"But we're not going to get up to anything. Come on."
Connor followed Jude, still feeling a little uneasy about climbing the stairs. He could hear the soft sounds of Stef and Lena chatting at the kitchen table, though Connor couldn't make out their words. He wondered if they were talking about him. He wondered what they thought of him.
"Jude?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask you something?"
Jude paused at the top of the stairs, and Connor glanced around. There were two half open doors: one to a bedroom and the other to a bathroom. There were three other closed doors. On the wall behind Jude's head, was a painting of him in a graduation cap. It was a really good painting; Connor was sure if he'd just glanced at it and didn't know that his ex was a painter, he might have dismissed it as a photograph.
"You can always ask."
"What did you tell your parents about me? Before I came here, I mean."
"More than I told Taylor," Jude admitted. "More … more than you'd probably have wanted me to."
"Oh!" Connor looked down the stairs. He hadn't expected Jude to admit it. He'd expected Jude to deny that he'd told them anything. Now, he didn't know what to say.
"I'm sorry, Connor."
"They're your parents," Connor said. "I'd be more upset if you'd told Taylor. Your parents … deserve to understand the kind of person you're with."
"I don't tell them details and I don't tell them everything; just broad strokes. I won't say another word if you don't want me to."
"No details," Connor breathed. "I want you to have someone to talk to. And it makes me feel better that it's your parents and not your siblings or your friends. Does that make sense?"
"It does," Jude agreed. "So, that's Callie's and Mariana's old room, and Moms haven't done a lot with it yet. This is Brandon's old room, and it's an office with a bed in it now, though I think they're getting rid of the bed soon." Jude opened the doors as he spoke, giving Connor brief flashes of the rooms. "And this is the room that Jesus and I shared."
Jude opened the door all the way and Connor followed him inside. From what he'd seen of the children's rooms, this was the one that looked the most lived-in still. There were still high school books and binders folded nicely on the desk; the beds were neatly made; and a few posters and photographs still adorned the walls. There was one picture that caught Connor's eye and it was hanging next to Jude's bed. He crept a little closer. Jude looked about eighteen and he was dressed nicely in a tux, his arms around a curly-haired, tanned boy who was dressed just as formally.
"Prom, senior year," Jude said from behind him. "That's Dylan."
Connor stared at the boy who'd come before him; the boy that Jude had loved. Jude had been right when he'd said Dylan wasn't the most attractive boy ever. His facial features were all very small and very close together, but he looked like a sweet person – as far as Connor could tell from the photo. He was also much shorter than Connor had expected; he knew that he was taller than Dylan, but Dylan couldn't have been more than five foot six, though Connor suspected that he was an inch shorter than that, even.
"He looks nice," Connor said. He didn't want to not say something.
"He was. He wasn't the brightest bulb in the box, though. I mean, book smart, yeah. He did better than me in classes, but he didn't have a lot of common sense. Personally, I think it has something to do with his years of accidentally drinking his paint water."
Jude laughed and Connor wondered what it was like to have someone like that. Dylan was more past than present, he knew. Jude hadn't mentioned them having a conversation in the months Connor had known Jude, but Jude still spoke of him with affection, though Dylan was out of his life. Connor wondered if Jude would speak of him fondly, when the time came for them to part. Or if Jude would shake his head and speak in exhausted tones of a boy too broken to love, who had drained him of everything he had.
"It was more funny than annoying, though. His lack of common sense," Jude clarified.
"Oh." Connor looked away from the photo. He didn't know Dylan and some strange part of him became unsettled at the thought of knowing him. "My ex was brilliant. And I don't … don't mean that in that's how he wanted me to think way. He was. He was a lawyer. Graduated top of his class. Lived the dream of getting a good job right out of school with a top firm. He …" Connor sighed. "There's something ironic in him being a criminal defense attorney. Maybe someday I'll laugh about it."
"Oh, baby," Jude murmured.
"I'm sorry. I don't mean to do that. I … bring everything down."
"No, you don't," Jude argued softly. "I'm glad you trust me enough to talk about those things and I know that it's not necessarily good to hide from things like that."
Connor didn't want to talk about his ex anymore. He was too prevalent in Connor's new relationship, in Connor's life as a whole, for Connor's liking. "What do you think your moms think of me?"
"They like you," Jude said confidently.
"You're sure?"
"Absolutely." Jude grinned. "I wouldn't lie to you."
Connor wrinkled his nose but, he had to admit, "No, I don't think you would."
Jude held out his hand and Connor took it, letting Jude pull him closer. He rested his head against Jude's shoulder, relaxing into Jude's hug. "I like them too."
"Good. I don't know what I'd do if you didn't get along."
Connor tensed. "I haven't met your siblings yet."
"You can when you're ready," Jude said. "I'm not hiding you from anyone. And I want you to like everyone and I want everyone to like you. But Moms' opinions and Callie's opinion come first with me."
"Callie," Connor repeated. She was the one that Connor had decided he was dreading meeting. He knew that she had taken care of Jude throughout their early years; he knew how much he revered his elder sister. He also knew, from the way Jude talked about her, that she could be difficult. He wondered if she would see him as a threat to Jude's life. He didn't want her to hate him.
"She'll like you too."
Connor wasn't sure if Jude could know that. Jude kissed his forehead and Connor pushed the worry from his mind for now. He wasn't meeting Callie tonight.
"Are you glad you brought me?"
"Yes. I like showing you off, baby. Even if it is just to my moms." Jude squeezed him tightly. "I'm proud we're together, Connor."
Proud. It wasn't a word that Connor had expected to hear.
"Will you kiss me, Jude?"
"You know, this is exactly why Moms don't let us up here with anybody," Jude teased.
Before Connor could apologize, or even blush about it, Jude was kissing him.
"Boys!" Stef yelled. "We have dessert."
"They have a spidey sense," Jude complained. "Come on."
"You live alone," Connor reminded him. "They can't have spidey sense all the time."
"I do, but don't underestimate them."
Jude and Connor headed back downstairs. Stef and Lena had dished out strawberry shortcake and it was waiting for Jude and Connor when they walked back into the dining room. Connor sunk down in the chair that he'd originally been offered.
"There must have been something really interesting about the upstairs," Stef said. "We must be missing something, Lena."
"Unfortunately, you don't miss much," Jude said.
"Jude was telling me about Dylan," Connor said.
"Oh," Lena mused. "Dylan. I haven't heard anything about him in a while, Jude. How is he?"
Jude shrugged. "We don't really talk, you know that. He posts a lot of art on Facebook. Here."
Jude pulled his phone out of his pocket and put it on the table. As he was unlocking it, Stef groaned, "Phone at the table."
"Mom asked!" Jude protested. He opened Facebook and tapped his phone screen a few more times. Then, he spun his device to Stef and Lena. Despite what Stef had said, she and Lena both looked down, scrolling through the photos.
"This one looks like his parents' house," Stef commented.
"Probably is." Jude picked up his spoon and began to eat.
Connor watched Stef and Lena. They hadn't started their desserts yet, and he was torn. It would be rude for him to start eating before they did, but Jude was eating and he didn't want to seem rude by not trying what was in front of him. He picked up his spoon, his hand shaking the whole while. He moved slowly, while Lena said something about how Dylan had really improved.
"He's always been good at art," Jude said. "But I think he's finally figured out how to draw hands. That's all I saw him post in September."
Stef laughed, and Lena picked up her spoon to eat. Connor breathed a sigh of relief that his indecision was over.
"What about you, Connor?" Stef asked. "Do you like art?"
"No. Um, my dad was big on sports. So that was what I did when I was younger."
"What did you play?" Lena asked.
"Baseball. My dad has been mentioning looking into playing at school, at least on a rec team. I've been thinking about seeing if there's batting cages around campus. Just to get used to it again."
"You didn't tell me that," Jude said. "I'll go with you, if you want me to."
Stef snickered. "You, love? At a batting cage?"
"I'd try it," Jude said defensively.
"Once," Lena said. She turned to Connor. "I'm sure you could convince him to go once."
"If you wanted me to," Jude added. "I don't want to invite myself along."
Connor used his spoon to cut a piece of strawberry in half. "I think it would be interesting to see you try."
Lena nodded. "I agree. You know, if you do get him to go, a little phone video never hurt anyone."
"Except for me," Jude said, "When you drag it out and show everyone."
"You wouldn't be that wounded," Lena said, and Jude gave in.
"Probably not. It'd probably be funny. But I don't think I'll be that terrible."
"You won't know until you try!"
Their lighthearted banter was nice to listen to. Connor couldn't imagine having such a casual relationship, where they could tease one another and neither of them felt sore or offended over what the other was saying. Connor didn't know how Adam would take a joke from him. The image of the father he'd had in his head since he was fifteen had changed since January when he'd come home to this new father, who was trying to change and be there for him. Connor still wasn't sure what to think of Adam, other than to know that if he called his father, Adam would definitely answer the phone.
They sat around the table for the rest of the evening, and Stef, Lena, and Jude mostly bounced around family-related topics. Connor was happy to follow along. The fact that the conversation wasn't on him allowed him to spend much longer than he thought he would being happy in Stef's and Lena's presence. He hadn't thought the two of them would be draining, necessarily, but he knew that the experience would be. He was glad that night had gone like this, though; he didn't feel like he was taking Jude's time from his family away. They were holding hands under the table, but he wasn't Jude's primary focus.
They had been there nearly four hours when Jude started to stretch and check the time on his phone.
"Well, we don't want you driving back too late," Stef finally said.
"And you're getting old, so it's amazing you're up now. Don't you go to bed at eight-thirty?"
"Shhh," Stef hushed Jude.
Connor was quiet as they carried their dessert dishes to the kitchen. Quietly, he offered to do the dishes before the two of them left.
"Don't be silly," Lena said. "You're our guest. We're not going to make you do the dishes."
She put her hand on his forearm and squeezed him gently. Connor stared at her hand, but he didn't feel any instinct to flinch away or hide from her. He smiled at her, and there was comfort in her expression. When he looked up, Jude's eyes were on the two of them, and Connor could see worry in the creases around his eyes. But Jude didn't need to worry. Lena wasn't scary to Connor, and neither was her light touch.
Stef and Lena followed Jude and Connor to the front door, where they put their shoes on.
"It was really nice meeting you, Connor," Stef said.
"You too," he told her.
"You can come back whenever you want," Lena added. "We really hope to see more of you."
They did? That meant they liked him; that meant they liked him as someone who was with their son. Connor glanced at Jude, who was hugging Stef.
"What do you think?" Lena asked. "Would it be too much for your new boyfriend's mother to ask you for a hug?"
"Okay," Connor whispered.
Lena leant over and hugged him lightly. She smelt lightly of flowers and citrus, and she was so careful with him that he barely felt her hug at all. Connor's muscles tensed and he felt the urge to grab her closer. Whatever her perfume was, it was so close to the one that his own mother had sprayed on her own neck every morning, that for a moment, his mother's face was all that he could see. But he controlled himself and he slowly let go of her. He was shaking and so when he said goodbye to Stef, she just offered her hand to him.
It was so clear to Connor why Jude was the thoughtful person he was.
Jude opened the front door and Connor stepped onto the porch. He waited for Jude and they walked over to Gerald together.
"Goodnight," Lena called.
"Drive safely," Stef ordered. "Text us when you're home."
"Okay, Moms! Love you!"
"We love you too!"
Connor waved at them and then he shut himself inside the car. He relaxed against the seat as Jude turned the car on and they backed into the road and started back toward Jude's apartment.
"Are you okay?" Jude asked. "You went kind of quiet for the last hour."
"I just feel tired. I liked tonight; it wasn't bad. There was just a lot."
Jude plugged his phone in to his speakers. Connor watched him as he carefully touched a few buttons and then put the phone in one of Gerald's cup holders. The speakers started to pipe music, but Jude turned the volume down.
"I liked your moms," Connor added.
"You hugged Lena."
"I did. I knew I didn't have to."
Jude smiled. "Hold my hand, baby?"
Connor threaded his fingers through Jude's and he leant his head against the window. He'd done it. He'd found himself a boyfriend who was genuinely a good man and Connor had met his parents and Connor was beginning to wonder if his relationship with Jude was really going to be able to work, even considering his past. Connor wanted it to work. He turned his head and just stared at Jude's profile. He couldn't believe that he'd only met Jude in September. It should scare him more.
He used his free hand to cover Jude's hand, cradling him gently.
"Something on your mind?" Jude asked.
Connor picked up Jude's hand and he pressed a kiss to every one of Jude's fingers, because Jude made him want to be affectionate like that. Jude made him want to let go and get lost in him and feel things. Jude made him want to just give and not in the way he'd given to his ex, where Connor knew that there were expectations that he had to reach. Jude's expectations were the expectations that should be in a relationship: honesty, trust, the monogamy they'd agreed on. He kissed Jude's hand again.
"I feel the same way," Jude said.
Connor felt contented as he leant back against the window. He was exhausted. The instinct to stay awake and keep an eye on Jude because he couldn't control what Jude would do overwhelmed him, but Connor told himself to pack it up and put it away. Jude was not going to hurt him. Jude cared about him, like a person should care about a person they were dating, and Connor knew that he trusted him. He allowed himself to close his eyes and fall asleep, lulled by the movement of the car and the sounds of some of Jude's favourite songs.
(-.-)
Connor startled awake the moment that Gerald stopped in Jude's driveway. He flinched when Jude spoke; his sluggish head took a moment to understand that it was Jude. His reached up a hand and rubbed at his eyes, squinting as Jude opened his door and Gerald's overhead light came on. He made a small mewling sound and opened his own door. The night air felt extremely cold on his face and he stumbled over his own feet trying to find the stone path that would lead to Jude's front door. Jude chuckled and his arm wrapped around Connor's waist.
"I'm sorry I fell asleep," Connor murmured.
"You're cute when you sleep. Also, I was impressed my bad singing didn't wake you."
"I'm sorry I missed that." Connor walked in Jude's front door and he almost tripped over his own bike.
"Should I drive you home?" Jude asked.
"I think I just need a few minutes to wake up." He sat heavily on Jude's couch, leaning against the arm of the couch.
"Need anything?" Jude asked.
"Will you come sit with me?" Connor asked, already reaching for him.
"Let me pee," Jude said, brushing his hand against Connor's.
"Don't fall in."
"Would you come rescue me?" Jude asked cheekily.
Connor avoided the question. Instead, he wrapped the plaid blanket around himself. Jude smiled at him, and Connor snuggled into the couch cushions to wait for him. It didn't take long for Jude to come back, and he flopped on the couch, putting his head in Connor's lap.
"You look comfy."
"I am."
"Do you really want to go home tonight?" Jude asked.
"You know I can't stay," Connor replied. He kissed Jude's forehead. "I like you, but I also like sleeping."
"You could have the couch this time," Jude said.
Connor traced the outline of Jude's face with his index finger. He tapped the point of Jude's chin. "Why do you want me to stay? We wouldn't even be sleeping next to each other."
"I don't know. I like having you here. Isn't that enough?" Jude grinned and then added, "Plus, I like how you look in my pyjamas."
Connor felt his cheeks go warm. Instead of replying, he moved around so that he was lying on the couch, he and Jude nose to nose.
"I don't even know why I'm asking," Jude said. "It's not a good night. I work six to two tomorrow, so you'd have to get up at five a.m. with me."
"Six?" Connor repeated. "You're not going to get a lot of sleep. It's after midnight."
"I know."
"I should go and let you sleep."
"If you want to go," Jude said.
Connor bit the inside of his cheek, feeling out the emotion in Jude's words. "But … you don't want me to go?"
"Not really."
Jude's lips touched Connor's as he spoke. Connor pressed forward to kiss him properly. Jude's arm went around his side and he shifted slightly in Connor's grasp. Connor flashed back to Jude's hand going up by his head and, so, before Jude could forget again, Connor moved so that Jude was slightly beneath him and Connor was holding himself up over his boyfriend. His heart started to pound. It was always him looking up to his ex. But Jude wasn't about to pin him back down. Jude's eyes were half-closed and he reached one hand up, pressing it against Connor's torso. Connor ducked his head to watch Jude trail his finger across his t-shirt, feeling the stomach muscles beneath.
"How do you find the motivation to work out?" Jude asked. "I mean, I'm glad you do, but how?"
"We had a home gym in our basement. We would work out together. Then, after he was gone, I realized I needed to be able to fight back if anything came after me again."
"Oh, baby." Jude ran his hands along Connor's arms. "You feel tense."
"I am holding myself up," Connor reminded him.
"Oh, right." Jude's hands rested on the upper part of Connor's arms, nearly on his shoulders. "Is this too close to your neck?"
"Not really. But … no closer, okay?"
"Okay," Jude agreed. "Was today a good day? I know my questions earlier bothered you."
"I'm okay. I'm happy. I liked meeting your parents. Dinner was good. Don't worry." He kissed Jude lightly. "I'm surprised, actually, by how easy this is. Being with you, I mean. When I met you in September, I never thought I'd so much as t-t-touch you. I couldn't. And now … this is okay. Laying like this, kissing you, being close to you … I never thought I'd do this with someone again."
"Never?" Jude repeated.
"He was it for me. I believed that. Completely." Connor shrugged. "Don't you ever miss Dylan?"
"Sure. I don't think you can have a relationship like we did and not miss each other sometimes. I think of him and I'm sure he thinks of me. But that doesn't mean we ever believed that if, when, we broke up, that we'd never be with someone else. Or that we were the very best thing for each other. Just because I loved him doesn't mean that I don't want to be here with you or that I wish I were still with him instead."
"I'm glad you had him as a first relationship," Connor said.
"Me too," Jude agreed. "And I'm sorry about yours."
"Sometimes me too. Sometimes I miss him. That screws me up." Connor sighed. "We always end up talking about it."
"Not always," Jude said. "It's about you and me, baby. That's all."
Connor nodded and he ducked his head. Jude was stroking along his abdomen again. Every so often, his fingers would brush one of Connor's hidden scars, but Jude didn't seem to notice. Goosebumps rose on Connor's arms as Jude touched him and he shook whenever Jude got close to the hem of his shirt, but Jude never made any move to put his hands on Connor's bare skin.
"What are you thinking?" Connor asked.
"That you're going to be really disappointed if you ever see me shirtless."
"N-n-no," Connor said quickly. He didn't know how to deal with Jude being insecure; his ex had never suffered from that. All Connor knew was that no part of Jude was a disappointment to him. Physically speaking, Connor didn't know a lot of Jude; someday, he might know him a lot better. Connor knew that it didn't matter to him that Jude's muscles weren't defined and that his new boyfriend didn't go to the gym. He liked how soft Jude was when he held him. He liked Jude exactly as he was.
Connor pressed his hand against Jude's side. Jude was tall and he had a small layer of fat. Connor could feel the lumps of Jude's ribs and he moved his hand slowly across the top of Jude's stomach, and then up over his heart. Jude's body wasn't so thin that it was completely flat, and Connor's fingers had bumped along his journey. When he pressed his hand flat against the left side of Jude's chest to feel the thumping of his heart, Connor could also feel the small point of his nipple. He kept his eyes on Jude's face, trying desperately to judge if he were crossing a line. But Jude closed his eyes and smiled.
"I-I-I d-d-don't think I could be disappointed with you," Connor admitted. "I really like you just as you are."
Jude's eyes popped open. "Like me enough to kiss me again?"
"Maybe," Connor mused.
"Do you wanna kiss me?" Jude sang at him.
Connor nodded.
"Is it 'cause I'm cute?" Jude asked.
Connor nodded again. Slowly, he bent his arms so that he wasn't holding himself so high over Jude and so their chests were touching. His nose skimmed Jude's cheek, and then they were kissing again. Connor could feel the hike of Jude's breath as he drew in a breath and the way his hand turned into a fist at his side, clutching at Connor's shirt.
"How do you do this to me?" Connor asked weakly. "It's just so … You just … It's easy."
"You said." Jude laughed. "I know it's not perfect and I know it's not like you're completely healed, but I hope I help you more than hurt you."
Connor lifted himself back onto his hands and then he sat back at the end of the couch, moving Jude's feet to his lap. Jude pushed himself up on his elbows, staring at him. Connor rubbed his hand across Jude's shin. "I want to be good enough for you."
"Oh. That's not something you need to worry about."
Connor disagreed, but he didn't want to talk about that anymore tonight. He glanced at his bike. He should probably head home and let Jude sleep before his shift, but he didn't want to go. He didn't want to go outside, get on his bike, and go to his dorm room. Jude, who had turned around on the couch to put his head in Connor's lap, certainly didn't seem ready to let him go yet. Connor ran his hand through Jude's hair.
"I kinda want to put my pyjamas on," Jude said.
"I can go."
"But I really don't want you to do that." Jude sighed. "I know it's late."
"I should want to go more than I do," Connor admitted. "It worries me. I keep talking to Dad and Dr. Scott about it, but Dad doesn't think I'm going to slide backward. Dr. Scott knows I might … relapse again and get scared again."
"You lost me." Jude took his hand.
"I think I'm doing too well. This is too easy. It should be harder to be happy."
"It doesn't have to be."
"Do you know what's scary?" Connor asked him.
"What?"
"Two things, actually, that I can think of."
"I'm listening."
"The first is … riding a bike home at twelve-thirty is scarier than riding a bike home at five-thirty. And the … th-the second is th-that … if you asked me to stay again, I'd probably tell you yes."
"Because you want to?" Jude asked.
"Yes. That's what worries me most."
"You don't have to be so scared of this or of us."
"I know I shouldn't be, but I can't help it. I'm sorry, Jude."
"Don't be sorry." Jude squeezed his hand. "So you want to spend the night on my couch?"
"If I could."
"You can." Jude sat up and kissed Connor's cheeks. "Let's make it a pyjama party, though, okay?"
"Okay."
In the bathroom, Connor took his sweet time putting his pyjamas on. He had to wonder what was wrong with him. It had barely been a week since Halloween but, here he was, back at Jude's to spend the night. But tonight felt different. There was no tension in the apartment. He was going to be allowed to sleep on the couch; he wouldn't have to be next to a sleeping man. Connor trusted Jude and he'd been able to think about this and prepare himself for it – it wasn't something that he'd been forced into because all of his other options hadn't panned out. He didn't feel upset as he walked back to the couch and tucked himself under Jude's arm.
"You work soon," Connor said.
"I know. I'll sleep eventually. And drink a lot of coffee tomorrow." Jude put his feet on the coffee table and turned on the TV. He flipped through the channels and he came across a tattoo competition show. "Do you have any tattoos?"
"No."
"Me either," Jude said. "I'd get one, though. I just don't know what I'd get."
"That guy has a lighthouse. He seems happy with it."
"But I don't care about lighthouses."
"You could get a tattoo of a cup of coffee."
"That wouldn't be inaccurate," Jude mused. "What would you get?"
"I don't think I'd ever get one."
"You could get a sour belt and I could get a coffee mug. We could go together."
"I don't love sour belts that much."
Jude kissed the top of Connor's head. "Well, even if I did get a tattoo, it wouldn't be on my head."
"No, that'd hurt," Connor agreed.
They stayed curled together until the end of the episode, and then Jude yawned. Connor was nervous as Jude fetched a pillow from his bed.
"Do you think you'll need another blanket?" Jude asked.
"No, thank you."
"Are you sure you're going to be okay?"
"Yeah, I will be," Connor promised.
"My alarm is going to go off at quarter after five," Jude warned him. "If you can't sleep or you want to go before that, then just poke me so that I can lock the door behind you, all right?"
Connor nodded. He kissed Jude goodnight, and then he sat down on the couch, watching as Jude went to his bed and climbed on it. He began to close the curtains. Before he closed the curtains by his head, he said, "Goodnight, baby."
"Goodnight, Jude."
Jude shut the lamp on his bedside table off, and then he closed the curtain. Connor was left alone in the darkness. Slowly, he laid down and let his head fall into the cushy pillow he was borrowing. He drew the blanket up over his body with slow deliberate movements. He finally had to relax into the couch and stare upward toward the ceiling. There was a bit of dim light that came in from Jude's two small windows, but there wasn't enough for him to see anything clearly. He took a deep breath and he wondered if he'd really be able to sleep.
He didn't have to wonder long; less than ten minutes later, he was asleep.
The chapter's title is after the song One More Day by Diamond Rio (also the song featured in the chapter). If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~