Connor bolted upright as an alarm started going off. He was tangled in something and he kicked at it before his tired eyes focused on Jude's bed curtains. He pressed a hand to his chest and let out a gasp, trying to get his heartbeat to slow. He was at Jude's. He knew where he was. Everything was fine. He collapsed back against the couch. Things could have gone worse. He'd managed to sleep peacefully; if there was a night that he'd thought nightmares would come for him, last night would have been a prime candidate. But there had been no nightmares. There had been nothing but sleep.

It had been too short of a sleep; Jude hadn't turned the TV off until two. Connor had known he wasn't going to get a long sleep. Connor could have dragged the pillow back over his head and fallen asleep again, but he couldn't. He had to go. He couldn't spend the day at Jude's house by himself.

He heard the curtains of Jude's bed open, and then Jude yawned. "Morning, baby."

"Good morning," Connor answered.

Jude tramped across the room to his dresser. He rummaged around it for a moment before walking away, and then the bathroom light turned on. Connor forced himself up off the couch the moment he heard the bathroom door shut. He dressed himself quickly, terrified that Jude would walk out of the bathroom before he was dressed. Jude was still in the bathroom when Connor was done folding the blanket he'd used over the back of the couch and carefully folding the pyjamas he'd worn. Connor returned his pillow to the mass of pillows Jude slept with, and then he stood there, wondering what to do next. He didn't want to leave without telling Jude goodbye.

Connor slowly walked over to the kitchen and turned the light on. He started up Jude's coffee maker, watching the coffee drip into the pot. He was still staring at it when Jude walked into the kitchen.

"Oh, coffee," Jude sighed happily. "You're perfect, baby."

"You're easy to get compliments from," Connor observed.

"You're easy to give compliments to," Jude said. He slumped against the counter, running his hands through his hair.

Connor just watched him. He was wearing white socks, loose blue jeans, and his black work shirt. He yawned, stretching his long arms above his head. The coffee maker clicked off and Connor reached for mugs.

"How do you take your coffee?" he asked.

"Put a ton of sugar in it," Jude said. "Just sugar."

Connor didn't want to get his coffee wrong, and his hands were shaking as he pulled the sugar out of the cupboard. He put spooned four large amounts of sugar into the cup and poured the coffee over it. He stirred it for as long as he dared and then he passed the cup to Jude. He watched Jude anxiously as he took his first sip. Jude's face didn't change; he simply stirred the coffee a little more and then took another drink. Connor breathed a sigh of relief. He hadn't gotten it terribly wrong.

"Aren't you going to have a cup?" Jude asked.

"Oh. Yes, thank you."

"You don't need to wait for me to offer, baby. The cruelest thing I could do would be to deprive you of your morning coffee."

"It's not really a habit with me," Connor said, while his insides did flips. The cruelest thing that Jude could imagine doing was not giving someone caffeine. Connor had to fight to keep his jaw from dropping. Whether or not Jude was exaggerating didn't matter; it surprised him that he had said it at all.

"You're a better man than I," Jude muttered.

Connor stirred a little bit of sugar into his cup, and then he felt Jude gently tug at his t-shirt. He stepped so that he and Jude were next to one another. Jude's arm was slung loosely around his waist.

"How did you sleep?" Connor asked.

"Good, not long enough."

"I'm sorry for keeping you awake."

"You didn't," Jude said. "But how did you sleep? I was a little worried about you."

"Your alarm was the worst thing about it. Being on the couch helped a lot, rather than being right next to you. I'm sorry for that."

"Not something you need to be sorry for. Like I'll keep telling you, I'm so proud of how far you've come in the time I've known you. It makes me happy that you're even willing to try this. I wondered if you'd stop talking to me after I told you I liked you."

"I wouldn't have."

"I didn't seriously think you would. But it was still something that I wondered."

"I like you too." Connor took a long drink of his coffee, though it scalded his tongue. He just needed something to keep from thinking about the words too much. He liked Jude, and it made his stomach do flips and the back of his mind let out a shriek that sounded a lot like his ex-boyfriend's name.

"We need to leave in seven minutes."

"I hope you have a good day."

"Same." Jude put his empty mug on the counter and rested his head on top of Connor's. "Maybe I'll come home and nap on my break."

"Probably a good idea."

"I might just text you."

Several things flitted across Connor's mind at once, but the thing that struck him dumb was the reminder of his phone. He thought of the fact that he'd turned it off before dinner and he had never thought to turn it back on. He had never thought of his father, who he spoke to every night, because he'd gotten so wrapped up in Jude. He'd allowed it to happen again; he had forgotten the outside world in favour of his boyfriend.

He shoved his mug onto the counter and raced over to his back pack. He shoved his hand into the big pocket and fished around for his cell phone, so worried about what he'd find from his father when he turned it back on.

"Connor?" Jude called. "Is everything all right?"

"I-I-I-I di-di-didn't talk to … to … to Dad last n-ni-night. I forgot! He's going to be so mad," Connor sniffed, feeling tears at his eyes. His phone screen glowed brightly in his hand and he felt a small vibration.

"Oh, baby," Jude crooned. "Your dad will understand."

"He m-m-m-might n-not. He might get protective. I'd understand," Connor wailed, already feeling embarrassed over his lack of control. "I know he wants to talk to me and I should be better and more considerate and I shouldn't do this to him and … and … and …" He surrendered to his hyperventilation as his phone lit up with fifteen texts and three voicemails. All of them, he knew, had to be from Adam.

Jude walked up behind him and Connor promptly fell to the floor, landing on his bottom, and pulling his knees up to his chest. He wasn't thinking about the fact that it was Jude. He was thinking about the fact that he'd let someone down and hadn't done what was expected of him and then about the footsteps coming up behind him. He waited, ready for the pain that he knew he deserved. He should be more aware and considerate and better and –

"Connor, it's okay," Jude murmured. "I'm not going to hurt you. Your father isn't going to hurt you. It's okay to make mistakes. You're only human and no one blames you for it."

"I'm sorry I'm so terrible," Connor whimpered. "I don't mean to be. Please don't be mad."

"No one's mad. At worst, your dad is probably concerned. You should read the messages, baby. You won't know until you read it and I don't think it's going to be as bad as you think it is."

Connor knew that he had to listen. Connor couldn't ignore Jude. He had to pay attention to people and he especially needed to pay attention to people who knew better than he did. He was shaking so badly that his phone screen barely made sense, and he dropped it twice before he was able to read Adam's messages.

Adam: I'm sorry I wasn't able to speak more in depth with you today when you called. I was in some important meetings. Do you want to talk more about it now?

Adam: Connor, I know you're not in classes. I hope you're all right. Please answer me.

Adam: I hope that you're not ignoring me.

Adam: I'm going to assume that you're with Jude. I hope everything is going all right.

Adam: Please call me about it later.

Adam: I am starting to get very worried about you. I know you're an adult but this isn't like you.

Adam: Not answering your calls either?

Adam: It's late. You're usually home right now.

Adam: I'm going to stay up for another hour or so.

Adam: I hope you're having a good time and that you're not in any trouble.

Adam: I think I'm going to go to bed now.

Adam: Message me as soon as you get these.

Adam: I don't care what time of night it is.

Adam: Goodnight.

Adam: Good morning, Connor.

"Baby," Jude said, "I really don't want to do this, but I have to go to work."

"I'm sorry. I'll get out. I just … just … I-I-I –"

"Connor," Jude interrupted. "You can stay here if you want, for an hour or two. I'll get my boss to give me a quick break and I can come back and lock up behind you. It's up to you. I just need you to decide right now."

"I-I-I-I can't move, I'm sorry," Connor cried.

"It's okay," Jude murmured. "It's perfectly okay. Listen, okay?"

Connor nodded.

"I want to make sure you know that it's okay to eat or drink whatever you want. You can read any books and use the T.V. It's okay with me. And the password to my tablet is a backwards 'Z' if you're that bored. I really don't mind, okay?"

Connor nodded, but there were tears streaking down his cheeks and he couldn't handle more than that. He didn't think he could even move. He just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry because he had a mistake and he wasn't allowed to make mistakes and he had made his father worry and what kind of a son was he? What kind of a person was he?

"Do you want your blanket?" Jude asked.

"O-ok-okay."

He flinched every time that Jude took a step and he curled into a ball completely when Jude stood next to him and draped the blanket around his shoulders. He dug his hands into the soft flannel sides of the blanket and pressed it against his face, hiding away.

"I'll be back soon, okay?"

Connor nodded.

"I hope you feel better, baby. If you really need me, my work's number is on my fridge. You can call me there."

Connor couldn't. Connor couldn't disrupt anybody else's life. Jude had things to do. His dad had things to do. He just sat around and was useless and he made people worry about him and people had to hate him for making them worry. He was glad when he heard the door shut, because he could collapse against the rug on Jude's floor and just let himself sob. He could let it out and let it fall away, like he couldn't when there was someone in front of him. But Connor couldn't let himself cry for long, either. He had to call Adam before his father got in the car to drive to work. He grabbed his phone and dragged it toward him, calling his father.

"Connor! I was worried about you!"

"I'm sorry," Connor cried. He wasn't in control of himself, not at all.

"Are you crying?"

"I f-f-f-forg-got to turn my ph-ph-phone on and I m-m-missed your calls and I'm so sorry, Dad. I zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzdidn't mean to make you worry. That was wrong of me. Please don't b-b-b-be mad."

"I'm not mad. It was just out of character for you. But you're an adult and you shouldn't have to check in with your father every night. I probably overreacted."

"I'm sorry. Please don't be mad. I know I made a mistake. I know I was wrong. I'm sorry, Dad."

"I know you are, Connor. It's okay. I'm not angry with you."

"I need to make it up to you!"

"Okay, okay," Adam said soothingly. "Why don't you tell me about last night? Letting me know where you were will make it up to me."

Some part of Connor tensed at the tone his father was using. He didn't like it. It was condescending when he could tell how much someone was catering to him and his overreactions. But it was only a small part. Connor felt as if every piece of him was doing something different, and he didn't know how to breathe through it.

"Are you still there?"

"Yes, Dad! I went to meet Jude's parents and so I turned my phone off while I was there because I didn't want to be rude and then we came back to Jude's house and it was late and I didn't feel like biking home and so I spent the night sleeping on his couch and I didn't think of my phone even though I really should have, please don't be mad."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes," Connor whimpered. "I am. I'm just upset I did this to you! I didn't mean to!"

"I know, it's okay. I promise, I'm not angry."

"O-o-okay." Connor didn't trust it. Anger hid. Anger lurked. It could come back and surprise him at any time. Connor didn't want to be surprised.

"How were Jude's parents?"

"Really nice," Connor whispered. "They liked me."

"Of course they did. Did you sleep all right last night? Halloween just happened."

"I-I-I-I know," he hiccoughed. "It was f-fine."

"Take a deep breath, Connor."

Immediately, Connor was sucking in air.

"You need to calm down," Adam said. "No one is angry at you. Nothing is going to happen to you. You are allowed to spend a night with Jude and his parents. I was worried because I'm used to hearing from you, but maybe, when you're feeling better, we can talk about whether or not it's still reasonable for me to expect that. After everything, you deserve your own freedom and autonomy. I don't want to get in the way of that."

"I-I-I'm s-s-sorry, Dad." Connor took another deep breath. He had to calm down. He was wrong; he was reacting wrong. Adam told him that. He needed to be fine and he could make himself be fine. He could. He closed his eyes and he shoved his feelings away. He shoved them down and hid them and he thought about what his father would want him to do and say.

"Are you home now?"

"N-n-no." He thought he sounded stronger. He sounded more like a person. Adam wanted him to be a person.

"You and Jude are up early."

"He h-h-had w-w-work."

"You're alone."

Connor didn't know what to say. It wasn't a question and confirmation would be redundant.

Adam took a loud breath. "Okay, Connor. I hope you have a good day. Maybe I'll hear from you later today."

"You will! You will! I promise you, I will. I'll never forget again!" His voice went high and Connor tamped himself down, digging his nails into his arm to bring himself back to himself. "I'm really sorry, Dad."

"It's okay, Connor. Would you like to keep talking to me or would it be better for us to hang up for now?"

"We don't have to hang up. I can keeping talking to you. I want what you want. I'm so sorry, Dad."

"I just want to do what's best for you," Adam said. "But I don't know what that is, and it's me that should be sorry, Connor. I love you, I really do, but I still need to get to know you."

"You too, Dad," Connor said.

"I need to start driving to work," Adam said. "Do you want me to let you go or do you want to talk to me on the drive?"

"I don't know."

"Okay. Well, I think I'm going to focus on driving. But if you need to call me, then you can always do that. I'll answer."

Adam had to reassure him of that because Connor was a failure and he didn't always answer the phone. He didn't know how to answer a phone. He was stupid. Stupid and terrible. Stupid and terrible and awful.

"I'm sorry."

"I know. But you have nothing to be sorry for."

Connor battled with himself. He shouldn't lie and to get caught in a lie would result in the worst thing that had ever happened to him. He also didn't want to fight with his father. He didn't want to make things worse. He was good at making things worse. He pushed too far and he never knew what was right and that was his fault. He should know better. He just couldn't learn. He was too stupid to learn.

"Okay," he whispered. Whatever Adam said was right. He just needed to figure out the best way to agree with him; he needed to figure out the way that Adam would like best.

"I hope you have a good day, Connor."

"You too," Connor whispered.

Adam hung up on him, and Connor collapsed into the rug, pulling the plaid blanket tightly around him. He needed to get a grip. He needed to stop shaking and trembling. He needed to do something to help himself. He couldn't just lay on the floor and do nothing because he always did nothing because he was useless and a disappointment and he needed to learn how to do things and be productive and not just lay around. Connor pushed the blanket off him and stood up. He could have thrown up. But he didn't.

Connor crept into the kitchen. Cooking helped. And Jude hadn't eaten yet today. He'd be happy when he came back and saw there was food waiting for him. Connor wanted someone to be happy. He wanted to do his best for someone and Jude had said he liked his cooking. Jude had even told that to his parents. Connor clung to that little bit of validation and he began to work in the kitchen. Jude had just enough things for banana muffins and Connor was able to quickly whip them up. He slid them in the heated oven, and then he didn't know what to do with himself. He didn't know when Jude would be back and he couldn't leave until Jude came back. Connor stared at the front door. He was trapped again. He was trapped in another man's house again.

He hadn't even realized he was doing that to himself.

With an agonized cry, Connor collapsed to the kitchen floor.

(-.-)

It was nearly eight-thirty when Jude was allowed to take a ten minute break to run home. He grabbed a bag of M&M's for Connor. He just wanted Connor to feel better. He knew chocolate wouldn't do it, but he didn't see how chocolate could hurt, either. He walked home more quickly than he thought he ever had before, only to find that Connor was sitting on his small patio, his bike leaning against the house. Connor was on his feet the moment he spotted Jude.

"Hey, baby," Jude greeted warily.

Connor didn't look good. His eyes and cheeks were bright red. His face was closed off and he stared down at the ground, rather than meeting Jude's gaze.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice raw and devoid of emotion. "I need to go home."

"You don't need to be sorry. I'm just worried about you. Are you going to be okay?"

"Maybe. Probably." Connor sighed.

"What did your dad say?"

Connor shrugged listlessly. He tightened his hands around his handlebars. Jude held out the packet of M&M's.

"I can't take them," Connor whispered.

"I got them for you," Jude said. "If you could, would you please tell me when you get home? I want to know you're safe."

"I'll text you."

Jude pushed the M&M's at Connor again. Connor took them and he tucked them into the side pocket of his backpack. His movements were all slow and deliberate. He put his bag back on his shoulders.

"Thank you, Jude. It means a lot to me."

"I just want you to be okay. I want you to be happy," Jude replied. "You can always call me if you need me, okay?"

"Okay," Connor murmured.

"I'll see you later," Jude said.

"Bye."

Connor put his helmet on and he walked his bike up the hill. Jude watched him pedal away from the bottom of the hill. Then, he sighed and ducked into his apartment for a second. His apartment smelt differently – of baking and something sweet. Jude flicked on the overhead lights and, there, on the stove, was a tray of muffins. Jude's heart broke over Connor. He was damaged. Jude hadn't needed to see him fall apart to know that, but the more he knew Connor, the more he saw just how deep those crevices ran, and it killed him. He wished that Connor were whole, but he knew that all he could do was be patient with him and care about him.

And Jude cared about him so much. Jude cared about him so much that being patient and doing what he could through Connor's breakdowns didn't feel like an ordeal to him. He hated seeing Connor like that, of course, but he knew that Connor was working toward healing. Connor was getting better, just as they had said to one another last night. Jude only wished that he could do more for him. He wished he knew some foolproof way to make him feel better, but Jude doubted that such a thing existed.

He walked over to his stove and picked up a muffin. They were still warm. He happily took a bite of it, already texting Connor to tell him how good the muffins were and how thankful he was that Connor had baked for him again. He knew how important sweet words were to Connor, and he wanted to send all of them. He just wanted Connor to know how much Jude appreciated him. He hoped he knew. He also hoped that Connor's father had been too angry. From how Connor had spoken of the man, he didn't seem like the type that would get too angry. It seemed like it was Connor's fear taking over.

Jude couldn't say he blamed Connor. He just wished that Connor didn't have to go through it.

He grabbed one of his Tupperware containers and piled a couple of muffins into it. They'd make a good lunch, especially since he'd only get twenty minutes. He walked back to work, hoping that everything would be all right with Connor.

The chapter's title is after the song Shape Of Us by Ian Britt. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~