Wildstar93: Hey, everyone, and welcome back to the Warrior Cats parody! Sorry I've been gone for a while, we've been busy with stuff. Still going to therapy, we celebrated my youngest niece's birthday, and I'm just ready for fall to really start for real in our area. It's been hot nearly 24/7 where I live.

I'd like to start off this chapter with an apology. I said in the last chapter note that I was going into therapy, and I didn't explain myself. There's nothing wrong with me, and I'm not sick. It's just counceling and stuff like that to get some business done and over with.

Uploading Date: September 22, 2017

Enjoy!

...

Caring For Elders For Dummies

While Firepaw grumbled about not getting anything to eat, Yellowfang yelled from her new prison.

"You might wanna go see her," said Graypaw. "And if she's giving you too much trouble, I'll make her listen to Let The Bodies Hit The Floor."

"You like that song?" Firepaw asked with a weirded out face.

Graypaw shook his head. "Nah, Tigerclaw said that he heard it from Brokenstar at the recent Gathering," he said. "Maybe tonight we can make him listen to the Teletubbies theme by accident?"

Firepaw snorted with laughter, but Yellowfang's yowl made him frown again. He waved goodbye to Graypaw and ran off to the prisoner.

"So then..." Yellowfang said with a leer, looking like a less creepy version of the witch from Snow White. "You're a pureblooded kittypet, right? Yo mama or daddy a kittypet?"

"Um...yeah," said Firepaw.

"First off, it's pretty dumb to be looked after by a kittypet," Yellowfang jeered, trying to rile him up. "Second, if you apprentices didn't play so much video games, you'd see a lot more in life like all this nature around us. And third, how about you take that tail of yours and beat it back to Twolegplace?"

Now that made Firepaw angry. Standing up straight, he said, "First off, will everyone stop saying 'First off' and all that stuff? It's getting annoying! Second, you're saying I'm disrespectful, but you tear into me for playing video games. That's not what I call respectful, and I wasn't even talking about video games. And third, I'm not going anywhere! You're just gonna have to get used to being taken care of, grandma!"

That was when Yellowfang started wheezing. Firepaw now felt bad for what he said. Was she having a heart attack? But Yellowfang wasn't having a heart attack...she was laughing!

When she finished, she said, "You know what, kitty? You've got spunk, and I respect spunk in a younger cat. How about you add some more respect by getting me some medicine?"

"Um...okay." So Firepaw ran off quickly before Yellowfang's mood could change again.

When he got to Spottedleaf's den, he realized that it smelled really nice, like really good vanilla. Firepaw went inside and saw Spottedleaf brushing leaves out of her den with her tail, and he felt his heart go aflutter just at the sight of her.

"Um...hey," stammered Firepaw, catching her attention.

"Hey yourself," said Spottedleaf with a smile. "It's been a while since the other apprentices came by. And I'm glad you came to visit."

"Um...wasn't that creepy?" Firepaw asked. As much as he liked this chick, this felt a little too awkward for him.

"...let's just skip that and get to the medicine," she said, also thinking that it's awkward to like an apprentice that way. "Anyway, what'd you want?"

So Firepaw listed the herbs because the narrator can't be bothered, and Spottedleaf went to get them. Before he left, she gave him a slight wink, which he returned when his heart went aflutter again. And when he got Yellowfang her herbs, he ran off to get her something to eat, imagining doing things with Spottedleaf. Like having dinner, taking a stroll, and watching Jurassic World together.

...

Three days later, Firepaw had still taken care of Yellowfang. He even listened to "back in my day" stories that she liked to tell, and he felt himself starting to get used to her company. On this morning, Firepaw realized that it was soon time for training, so he rolled over and gave Ravenpaw a hearty nudge.

"Ahhh!" Ravenpaw squealed, waking up. "I didn't mean to take Tigerclaw's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream!"

"Um...okay, we won't tell him," Firepaw said, rolling his eyes. Now I know what story to tell Tigerclaw tonight. "Anyway, training's gonna start soon."

Ravenpaw took out and used his inhaler, which he got for panic attacks. The two apprentices headed out to their tree stump hangout place, where Graypaw, Dustpaw, and Sandpaw were passing time and doing apprentice stuff.

"Hey Firepaw," Dustpaw jeered, doing his exercises. "Bet you wish you were out hunting and fighting and doing pushups with us, huh?"

"I think Bluestar should just keep kittypets in camp at all times," Sandpaw added in her jeer as she trimmed her claws.

Firepaw rolled his eyes. "Yeah, and I'm gonna be a father to seven kits," he bit back, checking his phone. "Anyway, who's training in what?"

"Whitestorm's letting me use his metal detector today," Sandpaw declared. "He said it's time for me to look for Curly's Gold or something."

Graypaw grinned. "Cool. But Lionheart's gonna teach me how to fight orcs and goblins and stuff," he said. "Oh, and he's gonna teach me how to climb. You wanna come with me, Firepaw?"

"Nah, can't," said Firepaw. "I gotta get Yellowfang some donuts. For some reason, she wants coconut shavings on them."

All the apprentices retched in disgust, and Dustpaw rasped, "Okay, that's one thing I'll agree with you on, kittypet."

...

So Firepaw had gone out and got some donuts from a donut shop for Yellowfang. He made sure it was coconut lest he get an earful from her. And it seemed that not everyone liked coconut...except for Whitestorm, who seemed to like the weird taste.

"Good," declared Yellowfang as Firepaw handed her the donuts and coffee. "There's some fleas near my tail and butt. Get 'em out, will ya?"

Ewww, Firepaw thought while retching. But Yellowfang snapped, "I'm not some pedophile, young'un. Are you gonna get 'em out, or do I have to grow a long giraffe neck and get them out myself?"

Shuddering, Firepaw set to work on finding the fleas. In the meantime, Yellowfang started reading Lionheart's copy of The Fellowship Of The Ring because he was now starting The Two Towers.

Not too far away, the kits were playfighting. They had little wooden swords and shields, and Firepaw dreaded the day they'd discover iPhones and such.

"Feel my teeth, Brokenstar!" one of the kits was calling, a golden tabby kit named Thornkit. "You won't kill a kit while I'm around!"

One gray kit named Cinderkit protested, "But it's not right to use the word 'kill'! Say 'harm' or 'injure'! That's the right way to say it!" She launched herself at Thornkit, but she missed and hit Yellowfang instead.

Instantly, Yellowfang was on her paws, shouting at the kit, "Quit being politically correct, you little furball!"

Cinderkit wailed and ran off to the nursery, where she was comforted by another queen named Speckletail. Speckletail glared at Yellowfang, who shrugged and went back to reading the book.

"You can't really blame the kits," Firepaw said as he continued grooming her fur. "They don't know anything about political correctness yet."

"Yeah, well, look where that got ShadowClan!" spat Yellowfang. "That never happened in my Clan until Raggedstar became the deputy. Now keep those furballs away from me!"

Firepaw offered her a cookie...which she threw at his head, and it bonked off his skull. "I thought all elders liked kits and were nicer."

Yellowfang looked like she'd throw another cookie at him. "What, you think I'm one of those old people who knit and sew a whole lot? Besides, medicine cats don't have kits," she snarled. With sadness, she added, "And besides, bad things happen to them while I'm around."

Firepaw felt sorry for her and was about to tell her so. But then he saw something among the dark gray fur and said, "There's some more fleas. I think I left their heads behind."

"I don't want gross flea heads on my butt, thank you very much!" the old medicine cat snarled. "Go find that pretty little medicine cat and ask her for some mouse bile!"

"Erm...what is that, and how do mice make that?" Firepaw asked. But inside, he did not want to know. It sounded gross.

Yellowfang sighed. "Easy. They do it by...now why should I tell you that?!" she ended up snapping. "Just go get some!"

She threw an unfinished donut at Firepaw this time, and he quickly ran for the medicine den.

When he got there, Firepaw learned from Spottedleaf that mouse bile came from the mouse's liver. He threw up for about fifteen seconds, so Spottedleaf had to get him a bucket before getting him the mouse bile.

"Be sure to spread it out among the skin so that the fleas and ticks get sick," she instructed him. "And make sure you wash it off...but not with your tongue. Last time I smelled it up close, it smelled like old sneakers mixed with some rotten eggs and dead fish with just a hint of skunk fumes."

"Um...thanks again," Firepaw said, trying not to gag.

Because the narrator didn't feel like it, he described how Firepaw had to put the mouse bile on Yellowfang, and she squirmed like a Mexican jumping bean. Then Firepaw had to go to the stream to wash it off (but not before hearing Halftail talking about how he got his tail bitten off for the hundredth time), and he performed a cannonball in the stream, scaring the fish. But no ThunderClan cat would eat fish, lest one of them be Nemo.

Oh, and he went hunting with Graypaw and Ravenpaw.

...

When they got back, Lionheart and Tigerclaw greeted them. Lionheart was now reading The Two Towers, and Tigerclaw had finally gotten his Brave nature Charmander, now a Charmeleon. As the apprentices brought their prey over, their reactions were different.

"Good job, you three!" Lionheart praised them. "Take the night off and eat all you like, like how hobbits have second breakfast. Bluestar declared this night an all-you-can-eat night."

The apprentices cheered, "Yay!"

"Yeah, it's fine," said Tigerclaw without even looking at the prey. "And you better not neglect Yellowfang, Firepaw...not that I care for that loner."

"I heard that!" yelled Yellowfang from a distance. "I'm a rip-knocking rogue, you hear me?!"

The apprentices were then allowed to eat in their den, so they took that and the human food with them. No pizza among the human food, Firepaw had thought with a longing sadness. But hey, at least Sandpaw and Dustpaw weren't around to bother them.

As they ate their food and drank their soda, Graypaw exclaimed, "Hey, our buddy Ravenpaw squeezed a compliment out of old Tigerclaw!"

"What'd he do?" Firepaw asked. "Fly?"

"Yeah, sure," said Graypaw. "And we can glue airplane wings onto Ravenpaw and toss him off the gorge!"

Firepaw and Ravenpaw gulped. "You wouldn't really do that, would you?" mewled Ravenpaw.

Graypaw rolled his eyes. "I gotta take more sarcastic lessons from Dustpaw sometime."

"Well, I caught a crow and called it a bad name," Ravenpaw mumbled. "I just called it stupid, that's all."

"That's nice, but wow, a crow!" Firepaw exclaimed.

"And Tigerclaw even said it was a good catch," said Graypaw. "Weird, since he's been in a bad mood ever since Lionheart became deputy."

"You sure?" asked Firepaw. "I thought he's been in a bad mood when I told him Ravenpaw took his chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream."

Ravenpaw was about to complain about it when Yellowfang was calling for some tacos. Firepaw was going to get up and get her something to eat, but Graypaw beat him to it by picking up two mice. But all plans have a hitch, because Tigerclaw popped out from the side like mole in a Whack A Mole game.

"Graypaw! Where are you off to?!" Tigerclaw barked in the manner of a boot camp instructor. "Not helping Firepaw feed that old loner, are you?"

"I'M A ROGUE, GOSH DARNIT!" roared Yellowfang from her place.

They ignored her, and Graypaw chuckled. "Er...why?"

But Tigerclaw did not smile. Instead, he said, "Your argument is so bad that you must be punished. Now drop down and give me ten push-ups, on the double!"

Graypaw got down and started doing push-ups.

"Say flank steak every time you push up," said Tigerclaw.

"Flank steak," repeated Graypaw as he pushed up and down.

When Graypaw got back up, Tigerclaw commanded, "Now if you're so eager to eat those mice yourself, I suggest you eat them right here and now."

"But...I'm full," Graypaw complained.

Tigerclaw gave him a scornful look and said mockingly, "Oh my, always have to have it our way, don't we? Oh boo-hoo!" He said this with a mock disappointed shake of his head.

With a sniffle, Graypaw picked one mouse and ate it, but since he had eaten and had drunk soda, it was kind of hard. But he managed to get it all down, even the bones that would give him bad indigestion.

"Better?" Tigerclaw asked mockingly. Graypaw didn't answer, and Tigerclaw snickered. "What a wimp!" he crowed as he walked off.

So this plan came to an end, and Firepaw got Graypaw to the medicine cat den quickly. Not only to help Graypaw, but also to imagine watching Spottedleaf playing volleyball this time.

To be continued...