Barefoot And Bruised

by The Last Letter

AU. Jude was twenty and not even thinking about love when he met Connor Stevens, a boy who took his heart almost immediately. But Connor has a past he still has to struggle with daily and resists falling in love, even as he and Jude grow closer. Even as it seems everything will be all right, Connor's past refuses to lie, and Jude finds himself in a battle with Connor's demons.

27. Dancing On Glass

Connor spread the black t-shirt out in front of him on the study room table. There was a rainbow American flag on it, which looked more like it was dripping paint than anything else.

"I just think that it'd be good if some of us wore them," Jake said. "Just for some publicity, you know? Trying to get people wonder where you got them."

Across the table from Connor, Brandy stripped off the green halter top that she was wearing. Connor averted his eyes as she pulled on one of the pink t-shirts they'd made.

"I still think rhinestones would have been great."

"You've got enough on your nails," Caitlyn said.

Brandy held out her hands. "Nah. You can never have enough diamonds." Then she plastered her dark hands across the hot pink top. "Do you think I look good?"

"Yeah, you look great in bright colours," Caitlyn said.

"So, what do you think? Do you want one, Connor?"

"My, uh, boyfriend does, actually," Connor said.

"Sure. Large fit him too?" Caitlyn asked. "We have that one in a small and a medium if it won't."

"Try a medium," Connor answered.

Caitlyn threw the shirt at him and Connor caught it. He slid the large shirt back to her and then folded up the medium one and put it carefully into his back pack.

"We need to come up with places to sell them," Caitlyn said.

"We should check table availabilities in the student union and see if any of them fit our schedules. Anyone's allowed to have one of those," Jake suggested.

"My girlfriend is president of the GSA," Brandy said. "She already said she'd take some to their meetings."

"Don't forget to post about them on Facebook and Instagram and stuff too. We'll get the website out there," Caitlyn said. "Oh. We'll put them in, like, the buy and sell groups too. Whatever it takes."

"Okay. So, this week most of tables in the SU are booked for this week. There's one from noon to three on Friday, though. Does that fit anyone's schedule?"

"I can do two to three," Caitlyn volunteered.

"I can do noon to one-thirty?" Brandy said. "I have a hair appointment."

"I'll fill in the half an hour," Jake volunteered.

Connor frowned, feeling guilty. "I can do some time. Um, next week. Tuesdays in the morning are my best days."

"Sure. We can book that now," Jake said. "Uh. So, earliest tables are … ten. What do you think about ten to noon? Two hours isn't bad."

"Sure, no problem."

"And I have some time between my tutor and my first class, so I can come check on you and see if you need a pee break or something," Brandy said.

"Thank you."

"So, is there anything else we need to get to?" Jake asked.

Connor bit his lip, trying to think, while Caitlyn and Brandy shook their heads. It only took a shrug of Jake's skinny shoulders to send the two girls packing. Connor, as usual, took his sweet time getting his things together. Usually, he was the last one to walk out of group meetings. This time, when he looked up, Jake was standing in the doorway, looking for all the world like he was waiting for Connor. Connor's breath caught in his throat and he shouldered his back pack.

"Hey," Jake said. "Do you like basketball?"

"B-basketball?"

"Yeah. Like, I have tickets to this Saturday's game … Actually, my girlfriend buys season tickets for the campus team, but that's not the point. She can't go to this week's game and I was wondering if you wanted to hang out outside of the project."

"Oh. Uh, can I let you know later?"

"Yeah, whenever. Just e-mail me or whatever."

"Okay," Connor agreed.

"See you later!" Jake called.

"Bye!"

Connor shut the study room door behind the two of them, and then he took another route out of the library so that he wouldn't cross paths with Jake again. Go to a basketball game? With a man? Who wasn't his boyfriend? It would be a mistake. He should have just said no to Jake outright – anything else was disrespectful to Jude. Connor nearly reached for his phone to call his boyfriend, but then he thought about how he was seeing Jude tomorrow for classes. They could talk then. Even better, Connor was going over to Jude's after classes to do their homework. It would be better to do it while they weren't in public, in case Jude had anything to say about it.

Connor took a deep breath. He had a plan. He could do better with a plan.

(-.-)

Connor couldn't concentrate on his textbook at all. He was sitting cross-legged on his usual end of Jude's couch, while Jude was stretched out along it, his legs over Connor's lap. Connor had his textbook propped up against Jude's shins. They'd been like this for fifteen minutes, but Connor had barely gotten through half of his first page. He was nervous about talking to Jude about Jake, even though he knew he had to tell Jude that Jake had asked him to hang out and even though he was going to tell Jake that they couldn't hang out. He tapped his fingers against his textbook.

"Something on your mind, baby?" Jude asked. "You've been twitching."

Connor closed his textbook and faced Jude. Jude slid one arm behind his head and peeked at Connor over the top of his book, though Connor could tell that Jude was still half-heartedly reading what was in front of him.

"What would you say if I said someone asked me to go out on Saturday night?"

"Have fun," Jude replied.

"What if it was another guy, though?"

"Have fun." Jude shut his textbook and tossed it on the coffee table. Connor flinched at the thud; he didn't know whether the closing of the book was a good or a bad sign. Jude tucked his hands behind his head. "What's happening Saturday night?"

"Jake has tickets to a basketball game. Or, his girlfriend does, but she can't go. So he asked me. I don't know why."

"Because friends are generally made by doing stuff together?" Jude asked. "Jake's the guy you're doing the project with? The guy from the library that day?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want to go?"

"I don't know."

"That's the only question. If you want to go, go. Have fun. Taylor's coming down this weekend, so it's not like we have plans. You might want to hang out with someone else. Friends are important."

"You wouldn't be worried?"

"About what? He's got a girlfriend. You've got a boyfriend."

"Doesn't mean he's not … bisexual. Or pansexual. Or whatever."

"And that doesn't mean he wants to kiss you." Jude paused, frowned, and propped himself up on his elbows. "Okay, so you're hot enough to make anyone want to kiss you. The point is, I like my fantasy world where everyone is faithful. And I know you are faithful. Friends are friends. You need someone to talk to that's not me."

"You don't talk to anyone."

"I talk to Taylor," Jude laughed. "And a couple of people from work and I are planning on going to a concert in early December, I think."

"The only person you talk about from work is Jason. And that's just to complain."

"Rita, Jeremy, Benjamin, and I started this in my first year of university. We're not close like we hang out on the weekends, but they're the type of people I talk to every now and then. I'd invite you to the concert, but we usually sleep in Jeremy's van and I don't want to do that to you. If you wanted to come, you could."

Connor bit down on his lip. "We're off-topic."

Jude sat up so that he and Connor were nearly face to face. "Go, if you want to. Don't go if you don't want to. If you need me, you can call me. Neither Taylor nor I will be upset if you do. I want you to be happy. Friends are good. I'm not worried about you falling for someone else, or just making out with someone else because you can. I'm not much of the jealous type … anymore."

Jude kissed his cheek, and Connor frowned.

"What is it that you want me to say, baby?"

Connor shrugged helplessly.

"What is that you expect me to say?"

"You … don't want to know. Nothing that I should expect of you. It's … I feel like you should control me more."

Jude took a deep breath and leant backward again, supporting himself on his hands. Connor looked away, picking at one of the buttons on his shirt.

"That's … not how a relationship works, Connor."

He knew. He knew better. At least, he should have it figured out by now. But sometimes he didn't and he felt so stupid, because it was knowledge that everyone had. No; it wasn't just about the knowledge that people had. It was the fact that they knew how to use it. Other people understood that wasn't how relationships worked and didn't find themselves in relationships like that and they didn't expect it from relationships they were in that clearly weren't like that. Connor looked up at Jude, but his boyfriend didn't look mad. But he didn't look happy either; there was something negative on Jude's face that made Connor swallow, though his throat and mouth were completely dry.

"I don't like how you see the world sometimes. And I know it's not about me, but I'm the one who's here! I'm the one who's sitting here and giving you no reason to think about me or you or us that way and … And I just …" Jude flopped back against the couch. "It's not something you can fix in an instant and it's not something I want you to hide from me. I'm just frustrated. And that's not your fault either so, please, don't do that."

Oh.

Connor pulled his knees up to his chest, dislodging Jude's legs. He ducked his forehead to his knees and wrapped his arms around his legs and torso, trying to protect himself. He grappled with his thoughts, trying to reconcile the facts that he thought expected it to hurt, he knew that Jude would never hurt him. He peeked at Jude, who was just watching him, and then he tipped over so that he was in Jude's lap. Several thoughts overwhelmed him at once, and he was ashamed that the first few were terrible. He hated that he thought about how vulnerable he was like this and how he thought of what was between Jude's legs and how, if he had been close to his ex like that, he wouldn't have been allowed to just lie there – not for too long, anyway; it always turned into sex with his ex-boyfriend. Jude let out a sigh, and Connor tensed. He didn't know what was coming.

Then, he felt Jude's hand against him.

Jude rubbed up and down the length of Connor's arm, trying to comfort him. "I'm not mad at you, baby, okay? I'm just mad about the whole situation."

"My whole life," Connor corrected.

"It wasn't your whole life. You spent more time without him than with him."

"It never felt like that," Connor whispered. "It felt like he was everything. No, he was everything. How it was with him wasn't right, and I knew that, b-b-but I loved him. I can't take that away, Jude, and I'm sorry."

"I know you are. It's not your fault. Nothing is your fault."

"Some things have to be."

"Nothing relating to your ex is your fault," Jude amended. "It messed you up. You're still trying to find a normal. I know you're working on it. You seem better, sometimes. Therapy has to be helping."

"I feel like it is." Connor rested his hand against Jude's leg. "You help too."

"That doesn't hurt to hear." Jude bent to kiss Connor's cheek, and Connor felt comforted. Jude felt happier. "And, to the point, do what makes you feel happy and comfortable, okay? I trust you. And you don't need my permission to do any of that."

"You don't want to know what I'm doing?"

"I'd like it if you told me what you were up to, but you don't have to tell me what you're doing every second of every day. I don't think you're up to anything bad. I trust you."

"I don't know what I want to do."

"Take some time, figure it out. If you don't want to go to the basketball game, suggest getting … coffee or something? I know meeting knew people is a big deal for you."

"Okay. I'll think about it." Connor sighed.

"Are you okay?"

"I think so."

"Do you want to do some more reading and then we can make something for supper?"

Connor turned his head. "Do you even know what we're making?"

"Uh." Jude looked confused, and just as Connor was starting to feel let down, Jude grinned. "Of course, baby. We bought taco shells. That's kind of hard to miss."

"You pay attention. And I like that."

"You're easy to pay attention to."

"Because of how I look," Connor said flatly.

"And you're interesting! And I like listening to you talk! And knowing your thoughts! And, yeah, I like how you look. It's hard for me to take my eyes off of you, baby."

Connor scrunched his nose up.

"You're adorable when you do that."

Connor put his hand over his nose. "I don't know what to do with my face now."

Jude laughed, but Connor didn't feel like it was at him. Then, Jude kissed his forehead. "You'd look cute no matter what you did with your face."

Connor thought about it, then he let his hand fall away, and he pulled the most ridiculous face that he could think of. He felt self-conscious as he crossed his eyes and stuck out his tongue. He let the expression go after only a second; his heart was hammering too much. Jude was still smiling.

"Cute," he repeated. "Very cute."

Connor didn't know what to think about that. He wasn't sure how Jude could see him that way. But he wanted to believe Jude. He wanted to believe in all that Jude said and did; he wanted to believe in how Jude made him feel. Connor reached up with one hand and pressed it against Jude's chest, feeling his heartbeat.

"I'm glad I met you."

"That doesn't hurt to hear either."

"Jude?"

"What?"

"Do you even like my hair?"

"Yes, baby, I even like your floppy hair." Jude raised his eyebrows. "You've asked me that before."

"This is the hair I had before him. Then he made me keep getting it cut. Short. Too short. I didn't like it. And I don't get it cut anymore." Connor frowned. "That, and I can't let anyone near my head."

"You look good," Jude told him. "And I'm not just biased about that."

"A little biased," Connor said, holding up two fingers pinched together.

"Maybe a little. But that's all you'll get me to admit to."

Connor smiled, and then he slowly sat up. "We should get our homework done."

Jude groaned. "But now I don't wanna. Play, then work?"

"What are we going to do?"

"We can lay around and watch T.V. We could go for a drive. We could … find somewhere else to. We could even just go for a walk if you wanted to. But if you really wanted to do the reading right now, I would."

"I don't know what I want," Connor said with a sigh. He picked at the hem of Jude's t-shirt, and then he remembered what was in his bag. He shouldn't be so forgetful. "Oh! But, I have something for you."

"I told you that you didn't need to get me anything for my birthday," Jude said.

"It's not for your birthday." Connor leant over and unzipped his bag. He pulled out the shirt and handed it over to Jude. He anxiously studied Jude's facial expression as his boyfriend unfolded the t-shirt and held it up. "If you don't like it then there's some other designs and there's other sizes if it doesn't fit right. Um, Jake wanted us to wear them around to generate interest and I remembered that you said that you wanted one."

"I love it," Jude said. "No, I really do, I'm not just saying it, so stop giving me that look!"

Connor touched his face, unsure of what to do with his expression. He hadn't even been aware that he was making a certain look. "I really want you to like it."

"And I do! I'm going to go put it on."

Connor looked down at the arm of the couch, thinking that Jude would strip like Brandy had. He was already telling himself that it wasn't a big deal and that he didn't have to look, but then Jude got off the couch. Connor heard the bathroom door shut. He turned around, leaning on the back of the couch and bringing his legs up under him. Jude was only gone a minute and he came out in the new t-shirt on.

"What do you think, baby?"

Connor gestured him forward, and Jude stood by the back of the couch. Connor reached up and straightened one of Jude's sleeves – it had curled up. Then, he ran his hands down the front of Jude's chest, stopping when the heel of his hands touched the lower part of Jude's stomach. He left his hands there and peeked upward.

"You look good."

"Liar," Jude trilled.

"You don't really think I'm a liar though."

"No." Jude kissed his forehead. "Thank you. Why don't you get one?"

"I … don't think I could. I … I'm gay. I know that about myself. I don't hate telling people about it. But I don't know if I could … wear it like a billboard. Not like that. I'm not ready for that yet."

"I mean, I'm going to be wearing it out in public and I'm going to be with you out in public. How's that work with you?"

"That I'm okay with. I can't explain it."

"You don't need to. I can accept it." Jude pecked him on the lips, and Connor traced around the flag. "Did you decide what you want to do?"

Connor shrugged, feeling a little guilty as he admitted, "I didn't really think about it."

"Quick: if you could do anything right now, what would you do? Where would you go?"

Connor glanced over his shoulder at his textbook, and then he peeked up at Jude. "I'd go to the beach."

"Your wish is my command. Let's go hang out at the beach."

"Can we bring the textbook?"

"If you promise not to make me open it."

"I'll open it for you."

Jude laughed and he kissed Connor on the lips again.

"Can I bring the textbook, Jude?"

"I'm not going to tell you 'no'."

Connor tapped Jude's chest. "I want you to buy me an elephant."

"And when I see an elephant for five bucks, you can have an elephant." Jude grinned. "It's not a 'no'."

Connor smiled back at him, and then he turned around. He tucked the book inside of his back pack, and then he took out the heavier items in his bag, like his laptop and his statistics textbook, and left them on Jude's coffee table. He shouldered his bag, put his shoes on, and then he followed Jude to Gerald. It was only a short trip to the beach, and Connor eagerly opened his door to breathe in the salty scent of the ocean. He could hear the dim roar of the waves and he felt happy.

"This was a good idea," he told Jude.

"It was yours."

Connor grabbed his back pack from the floor of the car.

"Aww, really?"

"I can read to you," Connor offered. "Once we find somewhere to sit."

"Deal."

They headed down to the beach and once they were over the sharp, dry sea grass and onto the sand, they stripped of their socks and shoes. Connor put all of it into his bag, taking care not to do anything to his textbook. Jude offered Connor his hand, and Connor cast an eye around the beach. It wasn't busy per se, but it wasn't empty either. Connor took Jude's hands and Jude tugged him down the beach, not stopping until they were toeing the water line.

"Want to go for a swim, baby?"

Connor barely glanced at Jude. He knew Jude was joking. Jude leant down and rolled his pant legs up, but Connor didn't do the same. Jude straightened up.

"Are there scars on your legs too?"

"Not my lower legs. Some little ones on my thighs. Um, I was shot once."

"WHAT!?"

"Before I met my ex. When I was, like, thirteen."

Jude was staring at him, his mouth hanging open.

"I … I was with friends. We snuck into someone's house. Madison's house. The first girl I kissed. And, um, her dad wasn't expecting it. And he shot me. In the ankle." Connor placed his hand on Jude's shoulder to help balance himself, and he lifted his pant leg up, showing the scars. This one, he didn't mind. It wasn't about his ex. There wasn't a lot of emotional trauma connected to it. "And there's some marks from the surgery too."

"I can't believe you were shot."

"And it wasn't my ex that did it."

"Well, I wasn't going to be the one to say it." Jude shook his head. "What the hell, baby?"

"I … I guess … I guess it doesn't happen to a lot of people." Connor couldn't help the giggle that came out of his mouth, even though it did sound a bit deranged.

"Yeah … Yeah, there's that."

Connor tugged his pant leg back down and returned his foot to the sand. "Are you okay?"

"You were shot!"

"Eight years ago."

"It's just weird," Jude said.

Connor wrapped his right hand around his left wrist and took a step back. "Is it all too weird?"

Being pinned down against a stove burner had to be worse than being shot, didn't it?

"No, no," Jude soothed him. "It's not. It was just … unexpected. It's just one of those things, you know?"

"One of those things," Connor repeated, because he really didn't know.

Jude offered his hand to Connor. Connor took it, even though he felt unsteady inside. Jude held him tightly and they walked down the beach. Jude walked through the water, while Connor stayed closer to the dry sand, but it didn't stop the cuffs of his jeans from getting wet.

"You were the one that said it, baby. That's not the type of story that everyone has. It just caught me off-guard, is all. I didn't mean to make you feel bad."

Connor shrugged. "I'm okay."

Jude squeezed his hand.

They walked along the beach, not saying much of anything, but Connor was more than content. He could just be with Jude, and he thought that was his favourite thing about Jude. Or maybe it was his compassion. Or the way he listened. Or the way he smiled. Or the way that he so selflessly cared about Connor, even though Jude was so human and flawed himself. Connor glanced at Jude, who was kicking around in the water, a smile on his face, like he was nothing but a child at play. Maybe there was no favourite thing about Jude. Maybe he just liked all of Jude.

"There's some old, big driftwood chunks up there," Jude said, gesturing with his chin. "We could sit."

"I thought you didn't want to look at the textbook."

"I don't, really, but I like you reading to me. You can make Agamemnon sound interesting."

"I think it is interesting."

"Mhmm," Jude mused.

Hand in hand, they headed over to the thick driftwood tree trunks. Connor sat first, digging his toes into the sand until he was no longer being burnt by the heated grains, but, instead, had reached the cooler underbelly. Jude sat beside him, but then, he lay down, his head in Connor's lap. His long legs made his feet dangle over the edge of the trunk.

"What page did you leave off at?"

"I dunno."

"Jude!"

"Sorry," Jude said, but Connor didn't think he looked particularly apologetic.

Connor reached into his bag, careful not to squish Jude's head as he moved. "What was happening?"

"I dunno. Agamemnon might have been doing something."

"Jude!"

"Oops?" He laughed. "You were distracting, that's not my fault."

"I –"

"Just pick a spot and start reading, okay, babe? I'll catch up."

"What if you miss something?"

"I'll Spark Notes before the exam."

"Really, Jude?"

"I won't make you watch."

Jude grinned cutely at him, and Connor shook his head. He fluffed his hand through Jude's hair, and felt his heart lift when Jude laughed. Life with his ex had definitely had some good moments, some sweet moments, but there had definitely been long stretches of time that were lifeless and devoid of joy. But Jude laughed so often. Jude was happy so often. It surprised Connor how much that sound meant to him, especially so quickly. But it did. Jude was still smiling up at him – his eyes crinkled and his lips stretched thin – and Connor leant down and kissed him.

He kissed Jude's smile and tasted the small chuckle that Jude released, and then Jude kissed him back sweetly, one hand holding onto the side of his button-up. He kissed Jude's forehead, but he didn't sit up.

"You didn't make me watch you change earlier."

"I assumed you'd be a little unhappy in the presence of a half-naked man. Even if I was just switching shirts."

"Brandy switched shirts in front of me."

"You weren't abused by someone that looked like Brandy."

Connor whimpered and straightened up. "I don't like that word. I don't like to think of it that way. I know it happened. I know what he was. But I don't … But he was … I don't … I don't like it."

"I'm sorry. It was a little over the line. I think I knew that as I was saying it."

"Let's read now, okay?"

"After I make sure you're okay."

"I'm okay." Jude didn't look like he believed him. "Really."

"You'd tell me, right?"

"Right."

Jude stretched and reached for Connor's left hand. Connor didn't think about the gesture, because he was too busy staring at a strip of exposed skin on Jude's stomach. The way that Jude had stretched had ridden his shirt up a little, and Connor could see about half an inch of Jude's pale skin. He could see a few light-coloured hairs, a few small, dark freckles, and, before he could think about it, he reached down along Jude's body. He didn't quite know what he would do: touch Jude? He should ask if he were going to do that. Instead, he just pulled Jude's shirt down a little, just so that it met the waist of his jeans.

"Such a gentleman," Jude said.

"Oh, I wouldn't call me that."

"I would."

Connor felt his cheeks go warm, and he cracked open the book. "Tell me if this sounds familiar, okay?"

"Okay."

"Well: the end has been good. And in the length of time part of our fortune you could say held favorable but part we cursed again. And who, except the gods, can live time through forever without any pain?"

"Mmm. That might have been where I left off. Connor, I'm serious! Read from there, okay?"

"Okay," Connor agreed, and he began to read again.

They sat happily together as Connor flipped through the pages, and the sun began to head for the horizon. Connor read slowly and methodically, and he was afraid that Jude was going to get bored. Whenever he glanced at Jude, his boyfriend had his eyes closed, but was listening intently. Whenever Connor would pause to muse on something, Jude would be right there with an answer. Sometimes Jude would tap Connor's knee, and Connor would pause at the end of his next sentence, so he and Jude could talk through something. Connor finally reached the point that they were supposed to in their readings, and he closed the textbook.

"I like listening to you," Jude said.

"If you say so."

"Especially when you're voice sounds like that," Jude mused. "After you've been talking for a while and you start to sound a little rough."

"So my normal voice annoys you?"

"You don't need to pick the worst things out of what I say," Jude teased. "I like how you sound. I just like how you sound now in a different way."

Connor tilted his head back, looking upward to see a few seagulls in the air. "Do I always make things negative? Do you hate it? Is it draining?"

"No, no, no." Jude took one of Connor's hands in each of his own. "You're not always negative. And you're entertaining and cute and a bunch of other words I can't think of right now because I'm feeling a little sunbaked."

"It's not that warm."

"Warm enough. We've been here a while."

Connor nodded.

"But this was a good idea. We should study here again."

"Only if you really want to."

"I do mean the things I say sometimes!"

"But only sometimes."

"Yeah, only sometimes," Jude repeated. "Are you getting hungry, baby?"

"A little."

"Let's go cook!"

Jude rocked onto his feet, and Connor missed Jude lying against him. It was comfortable being with Jude. It was thrilling, too, in its own way, but he liked comfortable. Jude offered his hands up to Connor and Connor quickly shoved his book in his bag and allowed Jude to help him up. He and Jude held hands and walked through the water again, not letting go until they were back at the spot where they had to slip their shoes and go back to Gerald.

"I'm sorry for getting sand in your car."

"Mariana threw up in him once. Don't worry about a little sand."

Connor laughed. "And he's okay."

"Well, we were parked. And she decided she felt sick, and went to puke out the window, got some down both sides of the door."

"Oh … But she was okay?"

"Yeah. It was just the flu or something. I just wanted you to think of that whenever you're leaning against the passenger door."

"Thanks, Jude."

"Anytime."

Connor laughed. "Can I play a song?"

"Whatever song you want. I gift you the radio."

Connor plugged his own phone into Jude's radio, and went hunting through his songs. He wasn't sure what he wanted to listen to. He thought he'd know when he found it. He hit shuffle a few times, and he finally let one song play. He didn't know if it had been what he'd searching for, but he liked it.

"Oh, I know this song!" Jude said brightly.

"Do you like it?"

Jude sang along to the chorus instead of answering him.

"How long 'til we learn,

"Dancing is dangerous,

"How long 'til we find,

"The devil inside of us,

"How high is too low,

"We're not that young,

"So we're never gonna stop,

"Never gonna stop,

"Never gonna stop,

"Until we break it."

"You like it that much?"

Jude tapped his fingers on the steering wheel in time with the beat. "I like it enough to sing along, clearly. I like it enough to listen to it a thousand times if you wanted to listen to it a thousand times."

"That sounds more like you like me than the song."

Jude shrugged. "So I like you more than the song. Sue me."

"I think that sounds like too much effort. I think I'll just get you to cook instead."

"That sounds like a better deal to me anyway."

Connor's stomach rumbled as they pulled into Jude's driveway.

"You know, I think I'm going to throw my jeans in the wash," Jude said. "I've got sand in them. Do you want me to watch yours too? You can borrow sweatpants."

"You wouldn't mind?"

"Nah. And washing them would probably take as long as cooking and eating will, so it's not a con to keep you here."

"You don't need a con to keep me here during the day."

"Maybe we'll be doing laundry until one a.m."

Connor didn't respond. He grabbed his bag and opened the door. Jude laughed and followed him down to the front door and unlocked it.

"Just don't walk on my rug with sandy jeans," Jude warned. "It's harder to clean than the hardwood."

"I'll sweep," Connor offered.

"I'll sweep, you can cook."

Jude kissed his cheek, and Connor took off his shoes, leaving them on the patio instead of inside. They had to be sandy too. By the time he had stepped inside and closed the door behind him, Jude was holding out a pair of black sweatpants for him.

"Just shove your jeans in the washer."

Connor nodded. "Thank you."

He changed quickly, carefully holding his jeans so that he didn't get sand in more places than necessary. Still, he tried to sweep up as much dropped sand as he could with his hands. He didn't want to make a mess; he felt guilty for making the little bit of mess that he did make. He shouldn't be such a problem.

Jude was waiting for him when he walked out of the bathroom; he had already changed. He didn't say much as he ducked into the bathroom to put his jeans in the washer and start it. Connor immediately headed over to the kitchen and started pulling out their dinner things. He knew Jude was hungry. He started the meat first and then he started up the vegetables.

"What would you like me to do, baby?"

"Oh. Um, watch the meat, maybe?"

"Sure. It's supposed to stay the bright pink colour, right?"

Connor sharply looked over his shoulder, and Jude laughed.

"Exactly how hopeless do you think I am?"

"Hopeless enough," Connor admitted. "I'm sorry."

Jude stood next to him by the stove, picking up the spatula that Connor had been using to poke at the meat. He rested his chin on Connor's shoulder. "A little faith, baby."

Connor thought that he sounded a little playful, but he nodded seriously. "I'm sorry. I know you can do it."

"And I want to do it, for you. You do enough."

Connor laughed. "What do I do?"

"You cook, you keep my homework in check, you make me laugh, you make me go outside and do things, and you're good company." Jude nuzzled at Connor's neck. "I like you. And I know you put a lot of effort into this relationship."

"Not as much as you do."

"I'll pick a fight with you on that."

"I don't want to fight."

"I don't want to fight either," Jude said. "But if we got into a disagreement, I wouldn't want you to just agree with me because you think you have to or because you're scared I'll do something if you don't."

Connor looked down at the pepper he was slicing. "I don't know if I can promise you that."

"Can you promise to try to keep it in mind? I don't think we're going to fight, but I know that I'd never hurt you if we did."

"I can promise to try and remember it," Connor agreed eagerly. That was manageable. He liked manageable. And he liked that Jude knew that. He liked that Jude kept that in mind.

Jude kissed his cheekbone. "Want me to help with anything?"

"Maybe slice the tomato up? Little pieces."

"Sure." Jude squeezed Connor around the waist and kissed his cheek. "You might have gotten a little tanned today, baby."

"The sun wasn't that strong!" Connor protested, and then he frowned. "Do you think I should be more tanned? Do you think I'm too pale?"

"No, baby, I like you. Even if I think you're whiter than the milk in my fridge."

Connor looked down at his hands, and then he unbuttoned his right arm sleeve and pulled it up, trying to compare the skin of the two. He held his arm out to Jude. "What do you think?"

Jude picked up his arm, and he inspected it closely, holding it so close that his breath tickled the underside of his forearm. He pressed a cheeky kiss to the middle of Connor's forearm. "Whiter than the milk in my fridge. But I like you."

Jude lifted Connor's arm high and held their hands together. Then, he put his other hand on Connor's waist and spun him in a circle. Connor almost tripped over his own two feet, trying to keep up with where Jude was leading him. He put his hand on Jude's shoulder to steady himself, and Jude led him around in another circle. Their knuckles brushed the kitchen wall lightly, and Connor pulled his hand away.

"Sorry, babe. The kitchen's small."

"I know." Connor leant upward and kissed Jude on the forehead. "You wouldn't hurt me on purpose."

"No. I wouldn't."

He kissed Connor back, and then he picked up the spatula. Connor went back to cutting up peppers and then shredding some lettuce for their tacos. He started to get warm as he worked, and he started picking at the sleeves of his button-up. Jude had already seen his forearms. His t-shirt covered almost the exact same amount of upper arm that his rolled up button-up sleeves did. He bit down on his lip as he felt a thin line of sweat on his brow. He'd lived through warmer, more uncomfortable situations before, because he had put his mental comfort first, and that called for his button-up to be on. The fact that he was even considering it either proved that he'd completely lost his mind or that he trusted Jude too much.

He could always put the button-up back on, he reasoned with himself. Jude wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Jude wouldn't make him feel self-conscious about it.

Connor circled around to where the stools were, and unbuttoned his shirt sleeves. He shrugged the shirt off and draped it over the back of the stool. When he looked up, Jude was watching him and, though he didn't have one expression or another on his face, Connor still felt a blush touch his cheeks. He slowly returned to the kitchen, tugging at his t-shirt sleeves.

"Would it make it better or worse for me to say something?"

"What kind of something?" Connor picked up his knife and went back to his cutting board. There wasn't much more for him to do, but he needed to do something to try and distract himself from the fact that he was in just a t-shirt.

He couldn't remember the last time that he was in just a t-shirt.

"A compliment, maybe?"

"No," Connor murmured. "I … just need to try to get used to it. So … if I think of it as normal and as something I do all the time and if we don't pay special attention to it, then maybe it'll be easier … I hope."

"Sure. So, I think the beef is done. What do you think?"

"It looks done. Do you have a meat thermometer?" Connor let out a deep breath. He could handle having this conversation.

"A what?" Jude asked, his face blank.

"You're being silly again," Connor accused.

"Upper drawer," Jude said, gesturing with his chin. "Moms made sure I wasn't going to kill myself with raw meat."

Connor dug the meat thermometer out of the drawer and stuck it in the meat. He carefully watched the needle in the thermometer rise. He wasn't paying attention to Jude, and he let out a gasp when Jude's hand touched his side.

"Sorry, baby."

"It's okay. I was just surprised." Connor pulled the meat thermometer out. "It's okay to take it off now."

They prepared their tacos quietly, and then took seats at the counter next to one another. Connor could feel one of the buttons from his shirt digging into his back, but he didn't reach for the shirt. He was okay like this. In front of Jude, at least, he was all right. Jude didn't hate him for his scars; Jude didn't ignore his scars either. He clenched his left hand into a tight fist, but no matter how he angled his hand, he couldn't hide the scar from the burner. It peeked up both sides of his forearm just enough that he couldn't pretend it wasn't there without the use of sleeves.

"Connor?"

"C-c-could we j-j-just eat tonight? Maybe talk after?"

"Sure," Jude agreed.

Connor focused on breathing and eating. Every time he lifted his food to his mouth, he had to look at the marks on his arm and every so often, a thought or memory would overcome him, and his breath would hitch. He felt Jude's foot rest on the bottom rung of his stool, and Connor lifted his own foot so that they were touching that way. Touching Jude grounded him a little, and Connor was able to remind himself that he wasn't hated for the scars – that there was someone who cared about him in a pure way, not in a possessive or overprotective kind of way. And Jude was fine in a t-shirt. Connor could be fine in a t-shirt.

Jude ate three tacos, and Connor forced himself through one. When they were both finished, they sat in their spots for a moment, just staring at their plates. Then, Connor glanced at Jude, and Jude smiled, and Connor felt good.

"Did you like it?"

"I did," Jude said. "But I always like your cooking. Are you sure you ate enough?"

"Yeah. I'm not feeling very hungry." Connor turned in his stool to face Jude.

"Are you feeling okay?"

Connor nodded. He reached out his hand and touched the top of Jude's leg. He didn't know what he'd been trying to accomplish by it, and so he dropped it away. Jude caught his hand, and turned his forearm over, bringing Connor's scars front and centre. He kissed Connor's arm, and Connor wasn't sure how he felt about it. He liked that Jude would kiss his scars and not try to hide them away, but he also knew that Jude couldn't heal him. Jude helped him. Jude gave him a reason to try to heal, because he wanted to do things with Jude that wouldn't be tainted by his past, but Connor knew he had to do the work himself.

Jude touched the round scar, and then he traced up the long, thin one. "Can I ask about this one?"

Connor didn't know if he could answer it. "Do you remember that one that you saw on my collarbone?"

Jude nodded.

"It's from the same thing."

"We don't have to talk about it before you're ready."

"Thank you."

"Do you want to go home? Or do you want to stay?"

"You're still holding my pants hostage."

"Oh, yeah," Jude mused. "I should probably put those in the dryer …"

He kissed Connor on the cheek before going to put the clothes in the dryer. Connor gathered up their dishes and put them in the dishwasher. He took his button-up over to the couch with him and draped it across the arm. He didn't feel the impulse to put it back on yet, but he wanted to keep it close. He wanted to know that the option to put it back on was right there. He pulled the plaid blanket over his shoulders, and he wondered if it was the same as hiding under his button-up. Jude landed on the other end of the couch heavily and smiled at him.

"Can I cuddle with you?"

Connor held up the side of his blanket and Jude curled up under his arm. Connor rested his cheek against the top of Jude's head. "What are you thinking about?"

"What Taylor and I are going to do this weekend, actually. Either she's going to want to stay in all weekend or she's going to want to go out all weekend. Taylor doesn't really do things in moderation."

"Are you worried?"

"About her, yeah. I just want to do what's best for her, but I'm not sure what that is." Jude sighed. "But at least I'll get to see her next weekend too. She's coming home for my birthday. We're going to try to get some people from high school together, since I can actually go to a bar now."

"Are you going to get drunk?"

"Maybe a little drunk," Jude said, laughing. "But not that drunk. Puking in bushes is something I already experienced, and I'm glad to have it happen only once."

"When did it happen?"

"I was with Dylan. This was graduation night, actually. There was a party we were going to go to, and then I was going to spend the night with him. We were both drinking and it was graduation night and I wasn't going home, so I wasn't really thinking about not drinking too much. I drank more than he did, anyway. And he decided we should go at, like, two in the morning or something and so we started walking back to his place, which was maybe fifteen minutes at a sober pace," Jude said with a laugh. "I think it took us about half an hour. And we were almost to his place, when I started feeling sick and I threw up in his neighbour's bushes and he laughed about it and said he was glad that I wasn't throwing up in his bed."

Connor frowned.

"What's the face for?"

"I'm not sure. I think … think … maybe I'm jealous." The word felt strange and heavy in his mouth, but it didn't feel wrong.

"Jealous? Of what?"

"I don't know. Maybe a little jealous of … Dylan. Of getting those parts of you. And that doesn't make sense. I'm glad you had him, I really am. But I think a bigger part of is that … you were doing that, being a normal kid, and I was … was …" Connor sniffed. "He was quitting smoking and whenever he lit one he'd put it out on my thighs because he said that seeing how his smoking hurt someone he loved helped him quit but it still took him a year and a half to do it."

"Connor …" Jude sighed, and then hugged him tighter. "I'm sorry."

"I hate feeling bad about it. I really hate it. But sometimes when I remember what other people were living through when they were seventeen and I remember what I was living through when I was seventeen and I get angry and upset because it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair," Connor whimpered. "I don't want to complain or get upset but it wasn't fair and I just want everything back that he took away but I can't recover all of it and I'm trying to move on but there's some things that just stick and I can't get rid of it. I just can't."

He cried as Jude held him, feeling guilty all the while that he kept dragging Jude further and further into his problems. But Jude held and kissed him and he only lied to him once, telling Connor that it would be okay when Connor really couldn't see how things could ever be totally fine again. Jude stroked his back and kissed the top of his head until Connor felt too exhausted to even lift his head from his boyfriend's shoulder.

"How do I help you?" Jude murmured.

"Don't let go."

"I won't."

Connor's heart thudded heavily in his chest and he felt dizzy and sweaty, but he clung to Jude with all of the strength he had left. Jude started to hum softly, and Connor started crying again when he heard his mother's favourite song.

"I'm sorry, I just thought it might help."

"It does," Connor admitted. "I'm just surprised you thought of it."

Jude started humming again and Connor started taking huge, shuddering breaths that left him feeling weak, but more clearheaded. He sat up a little bit, rubbing at his face with the blanket. Then, he rested his head against the back of the couch, reaching out with one hand to grip at Jude.

"I'm not going anywhere, baby," Jude assured him. "I'm right here with you."

"Thank you."

"Tell me if there's anything you need, okay? Don't feel bad about it. I want to help you."

Connor's gaze flickered to Jude's face and then away quickly again. "He'd have a meltdown. And then he'd have this period of time where he was sweet and nice, trying to make up for everything that he'd done to me. And I … always fell for it. He always made me feel guilty for making him do what he did. And then the whole thing would repeat."

"Yeah," Jude said. "Abus – Uh, I mean … people like him have a cycle."

"Oh." Connor looked down at his hands. "I guess he and I are the type of people that you talk about in psych classes."

"A little, not going to lie to you. But I've never thought about you clinically. Never thought about what you went through in terms of my classes. You're a person to me, baby, not a … victim."

"I don't want to be thought of that way."

"Then you're in luck. I don't think of you that way."

Connor let go of Jude. "I need water."

He went to stand, but Jude waved him back down. "I can get it."

"I don't want you to. This is what I meant to talk about when I brought that up. I don't want to get emotional and then make you feel guilty because I'm emotional and –"

"Connor."

Connor bit down on his bottom lip, keeping himself quiet. He had never heard Jude sound so serious and stern.

"Listen to me, okay?"

Connor made sure to meet his eyes.

"You are not an abuser. Nothing you do even comes close to abuse or even some kind of emotional manipulation. You're working through some things, and I understand it's not always going to be easy. But I never feel like I have to do anything that I do. I know I don't have to get you water or hold you when you cry or help you any way that I can. But I want to. Because I care about you. And I know that if something happened where I need you, you'd be there for me like this. It's okay, baby, it's just a glass of water."

Connor nodded. Jude turned to get the glass of water, and he pulled the blanket tightly around himself He caught a glimpse of his bare forearm, and decided that he couldn't do it anymore. He hesitantly let the blanket drop, and he put his button-up back on as quickly as he possibly could. His fingers were shaking as he desperately did up the buttons on his sleeves, and then buttoned the ones up his chest as high as he could without making the collar of his shirt tight against his throat. He pulled the blanket back up over him too. When Jude came back over with a glass of water, Connor was glad that his hands were only slightly shaking.

"What else would help?" Jude asked. "Do you want to stay here? Go home? Go somewhere else completely?"

Connor carefully sipped at his water. His eyes were dry and stinging; his cheeks were stiff from his dried tears. He sighed into his water, watching the ripples, and going slightly cross-eyed doing so.

"C-c-c-can I stay?"

"Always. Do you want to just sit here or do you want to watch a movie?"

"This is a lot of decisions."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"M-m-m-maybe a-a-a show?"

"Sure," Jude agreed. "We can find something that doesn't take much thought. Maybe that tattoo show will be on again. I liked that."

Jude put his legs up on the coffee table, picking up the remote in his right hand. His left arm, he had draped along the back of the couch, and Connor knew Jude well enough by now to understand the casual invitation. He took another sip of his water, sat the glass on the coffee table, and slid over to Jude's side of the couch. He felt happier as Jude's arm encircled his shoulders and gently rubbed his bicep over the blanket.

"Oh! Here it is … Wait, no. This is a different one."

Connor watched the people move across the screen, and then he started picking at Jude's black t-shirt, across the colours of the rainbow flag. He would much rather focus on Jude's warm chest than anything else. He pressed his hand flat on Jude's right ribs. They were flat. They felt like ribs. He trailed his index finger up to the hollow of Jude's throat, and Jude let him. Connor liked that. He liked that Jude would allow him to touch him. He pressed his palm over Jude's heart, and just felt the steady rhythm.

"Oh, baby, look at that tattoo! Why would you think that was a good idea?"

Connor glanced up at the screen, seeing a guy with his shirt pulled up, revealing a cat tattoo on his stomach. The cat was facing away, leaving the man's belly button to be the cat's butthole.

"What is this show?"

"They do cover-ups of bad tattoos," Jude explained. "And I agree – that's a bad tattoo."

"I don't know. I think you should get it."

Jude turned his head sharply, tilting it down so that his forehead was pressed against Connor's. Connor looked up at Jude, though his features were distorted and blurry. "Why would you want to do that to me?"

"I … I just think that you could make anything look good," Connor whispered.

Jude pressed a long kiss to Connor's forehead, letting his lips linger there. "I like it when you say things like that."

"I like telling you things like that," Connor said. "I like the way that we are, Jude."

"Me too." Jude kissed his forehead again. "How are you feeling?"

Connor held his hand out, watching it tremble. "A little bit shaky still." He tucked his feet up under him on the couch and put his head down on Jude's shoulder. "I just want to stay like this for a while."

"Okay. We can do that."

Connor's heart fluttered a little in his chest, and then it settled down as Jude went back to rubbing his shoulder and commenting on the tattoos in front of them. Connor knew he could stay like this and be happy. The tattoo show was a marathon, and they sat and watched it until late into the evening. Connor didn't even think to move until his phone started to ring and he knew that he needed to talk to his father. He picked up his phone and returned to Jude's side before answering.

"Hey, Dad."

"Are you okay? You sound off."

"Jude and I studied this afternoon. We went back to his house and made tacos. Some things got me thinking about the past. He helped me. I will be okay."

"Are you home now?"

"No. Still here. I … I might … might ask him if I can stay here." Connor couldn't look at Jude as he said it, a blush on his cheeks. "On the couch. L-l-like I did the other night."

"Are you ready for that?"

"I think so," Connor whispered. "I was okay the other morning. Until … Until I realized I didn't call you. B-b-but we're talking now! So it'll be okay."

"Hmm."

"I … I don't know what the means," Connor said softly.

"Part of me is worried that you put too much on this boy," Adam said. "The other part of me is glad that you're able to trust someone. I know you need to be an adult and make your own decisions, but I'm worried about you getting lost in someone again."

Connor tilted his head back and stared up at Jude. Jude watched his expression carefully, his brown eyes never moving, even as Connor reached up to trace his features.

"Connor? Are you there?"

"Yes, Dad. I d-d-don't think I lose myself when I'm with him. I … I think … I think I might find myself with him."

"You met him in September," Adam said.

"I know. The part of me that worries won't let me forget that either," Connor murmured. "But, um, I … I might have made another friend. I … J-Jake? The … the guy I'm doing the project with? He invited me to a basketball game on Saturday night. I don't know if I'm going to go."

"I think you should," Adam said quickly. "But what did Jude say?"

"Jude said I should go if I want to. But he said if I didn't go, I should think of something to do with Jake that I would be comfortable with. He thinks that I should talk to more people. He thinks that all friends start somewhere." Connor held his breath. He knew that Adam was testing Jude, and he needed Jude to pass. His ex hadn't passed and Connor would never be able to forget how that went.

"Hmm," Adam said. "That seems like a smart, healthy approach."

"He sees his friends a lot. He doesn't think it's fair that I just see him." He knew Jude hadn't exactly said that, but it was how Connor saw his words. Still, he bit his lip in worry until Jude nodded at him, and kissed him on the forehead. Connor loved those forehead kisses, and he timidly gestured Jude forward so that Jude would do it again.

"I like the way he thinks, anyway." Adam paused, the more gruffly added: "I still want to meet him."

"I want you to meet him too," Connor said. "You'll like him, Dad. I know you will."

"I guess we'll see," Adam said. "At this rate, I think he'll be around when I come to get you at Christmas."

"Yeah," Connor agreed. His ran his fingers under Jude's chin. "Yeah, I think so too."

"I want you to carve out some time Saturday morning for you and me to talk about Christmas travel plans," Adam said. "Unless you have something else going on."

"No, I don't. We can do that. That sounds good."

"Okay. You call me if you need me, no matter the time of night."

"Of course, Dad. I know you're there."

"I'll talk to you soon, okay? Have a goodnight, Connor. I love you."

"You too," Connor whispered. "Goodnight."

He hung up his phone, and put it over on the coffee table. When he straightened up, Jude was grinning at him.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Jude –"

"Okay, okay," Jude said, but his smile just grew. "I don't know. I could hear your dad talking and I just … I love that you talk about me that way and that's how you see me. I want us to be good and happy, and I like that you want me to meet your dad and I just … This is going well. I'm just happy with you."

"I'm happy with you too," Connor said.

"And you're welcome to my couch whenever you want it. I just want to help you."

"You do help. I feel a lot better now." Connor laughed shakily. "How do you have so much patience?"

"Can you tell Taylor that's one of my virtues?" Jude asked. "She'll never believe you."

"Why?"

"Because she knew me when I was thirteen, fourteen, and fifteen," Jude said. "I was a … mild handful."

"I don't believe you."

"You just wait until I take you home again and Moms get into the wine and start telling stories." Jude chuckled. "Or until you meet my siblings. Mariana and Jesus will be more than happy to tell you things."

"What about Callie?"

Jude thought about it. "Probably. She probably would, after she warmed up to you. She's gotten a lot better since we were younger, but sometimes she can still be suspicious of new people. Especially where you and I are so close. She's probably going to be a little ticked I didn't tell her about you immediately."

"You haven't told her about me?"

"Not because you're not important," Jude said quickly. "I didn't want to jinx it in the beginning and … I'll probably say something at my birthday dinner. Just so it's in person. Important things should always be talked about in person. Or, at least, that's how I see things."

"I like that."

"I like you."

"I still don't understand why."

"Maybe it's magic."

Connor scrunched up his nose at that, and Jude kissed the tip of his nose. Connor tilted his face so that he could peck Jude's lips, and Jude's kiss felt good. He wrapped his arm around the back of Jude's neck and put his arm one around Jude's waist so that he could pull him closer. He felt Jude's hand on his waist and the other on the side of his thigh. Connor's leg tensed, and he felt Jude's thumb move across the material of the sweatpants.

"My hand isn't going anywhere," Jude assured him. "I'm just going to kiss you and you're going to kiss me and that's all there's going to be."

"Then why are you talking and not kissing me?"

"Part of me wants to be a smartass and answer that."

"I think you just did."

"Oops."

Jude kissed him gently, his fingers stroking Connor's ribs. That made him tense too – it was his right ribs. But Jude didn't seem to notice that there was anything wrong with him, and kept kissing him. Connor felt the smallest push on his shoulder, and he realized that Jude was trying to lay down with him on the couch. Connor tightened his hand against Jude's bicep, trying to think it through and trying to judge Jude's body language. He tried pushing back, as gently as he possibly could, and Jude tipped back onto the couch, pulling Connor over with him. Connor turned so that his back was against the back of the couch, and Jude turned into him, following his lips in order to kiss him again.

"So," Jude said. "I don't have to be up for work in the morning."

"Me either," Connor said, and Jude laughed. "My class tomorrow is at noon."

"I know. But what about your therapist? You see her on Thursday mornings, right?"

"Right."

"How long would it take us to drive there?"

"A couple of hours," Connor replied.

Jude frowned. "How do you … I mean, you don't drive with … I'm confused."

"Dr. Scott is the therapist that I got in January. When I moved, I didn't want to switch therapists. Our appointments are done over video chat. Ten a.m. to eleven a.m. every Thursday."

"Oh."

"So I should be home by quarter to ten at the latest."

"Or you could stay here and I could take an hour to get us breakfast and we could spend a few more hours together," Jude suggested.

"That's …"

"Be honest," Jude whispered.

"I'm worried it's clingy," Connor confessed, his voice low. "Too clingy."

"I'm thinking of it in terms of this weekend, because we won't be talking as much as we normally do. And it's not that I think I'm going to lose my mind and miss you in an insane way for two days. I know it'll be fine. I just like spending time with you. I wouldn't be here during your appointment. I wouldn't dare do that to you."

"It's not that I hate the thought of it. I can just think of … some problems."

"We can talk about them, right?"

Connor nodded. "The last time I stayed over … you went to work. And I was trapped inside. And I can't do that again. Even if I didn't have anywhere to go, I just need to have the ability to go."

"I have a solution to that one, at least. I have a spare key. I can leave it out. You can take it and go somewhere. You can play with it. Stick it on your key ring. Whatever. Just don't lose it."

Connor squinted at him. "On my key ring?" He swallowed and whispered, "Jude, that'd be giving me a key to your apartment."

"I know."

Connor plucked at the collar of Jude's t-shirt. "But … but …"

"You don't understand," Jude said simply.

Connor shook his head.

"It makes you feel better to have a key. There might be situations that come up like this. If you like staying over and I have work and you don't want to get up, but then you can leave whenever you want in the morning. You could bike over if you needed me. But I'm not worried about you popping up unannounced all the time. I know you'd only do it if you really needed me, otherwise you'd talk to me about it."

"I would."

"So, if you wanted the key, you can have it. I don't plan on losing mine any time soon, but if I do, then you might want to be a little prepared to bike over and meet me."

"Oh."

"So, if you wanted to do that, I'd be more than okay to do that."

"I'd still have to go to class tomorrow."

"I know. I'm not trying to stop you from doing anything. And if you tell me you want to be in your room for your appointment, I won't ask you to stay. I won't even bring it up again. I just … want you to know that I want it and that it's an option, so that you can make up your mind."

Connor bit down on his lip. "I … I don't know."

"You can think about it some more," Jude said. "I'll set the alarm for nine, so that way we'll be up in time to drive to your place if we need to."

"Okay." Connor ran his hand through Jude's hair. "Are you going to bed now?"

"Not even close. Why? Do you want to?"

"No. I just want to stay next to you."

"You could sleep with me."

Jude winked at him, and Connor felt like his stomach was going to fall out of his body. Not in a bad way, but in a way where he had to sit back and think that there was a boy – a boy who was good and beautiful from the inside and out – who liked him, for who he was and for what he looked like and who didn't want to change a single part of him.

"Not yet," Connor said. "But, um, I think someday I would like to sleep next to you. I'm just trying to get comfortable with a lot."

"I know. And I don't want to push you too much."

Connor couldn't think of anything else to do but think about how lucky he was and kiss his boyfriend.

"Also," Jude added, "I'm glad to know that holding your pants hostage works."

"Be nice," Connor said with a pout. "I could push you off the couch."

"You wouldn't," Jude said happily.

No. He wouldn't. He didn't want to do anything that could even come close to hurting Jude. But the fact remained that he could. Jude was on the outside of the couch and the couch wasn't so wide that he was miles from the edge. Connor placed his hands flat on Jude's chest, applying enough pressure that Jude would feel it, but not so much that it would so much as rock Jude. He knew Jude was ticklish, and he moved one hand to gently tease Jude's ribs, and Jude giggled.

"Tell me something," Jude whispered.

"What?"

"I don't know. Anything. Something about you."

"My mom always dressed up like a princess for Halloween. She had this old tiara with little metal roses on it. And, so, from the ages of … five to eight, I didn't want to be anything other than a knight for Halloween. After the knight, I was a … chef. Which my mom thought was adorable and for a couple of months after Halloween that year I would wear the chef hat whenever we cooked together."

"That's a cute story," Jude said. "I like that."

"Me too. I miss her but, mostly, now, I just love her. Sometimes I wonder how things would be different if she were here." Connor paused. "I wonder what she'd say about you."

"Hopefully good things."

"Hopefully. But Mom never even knew I was gay. Or, at least, I never got to tell her. I don't know if she ever had some sense that maybe it was there. Because I knew by the time she died. But she was so sick and I knew she was going to die, and so I didn't say anything, because I didn't want her to turn me away. I wanted to be the son she always knew. I don't know if that makes any sense."

"It does. I think … it was a brave decision to make at fourteen. I think she'd love you."

"I think she would have too. But I was too scared to find out differently. I think … I think she'd have really liked you, Jude. Even if she'd be disappointed that I found a man that can't cook."

Jude laughed, sliding his hand around Connor's waist to rest against his spine. He tugged Connor closer. "See, my moms are proud of me for finding a man that can cook."

"I'll teach you," Connor promised, slowly drawing his face closer to Jude's.

"Will you wear a chef's hat?"

"You should wear it. It might help inspire you."

"Maybe." Jude's leg slid over Connor's, hooking over his calves. "Is this okay?"

"Just try not to pull on me, okay?"

"Okay, baby," Jude said, and then they were kissing again.

And Connor was happy.

The chapter's title, and the song featured in the chapter, is after the song Dancing On Glass by St. Lucia. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~