A/N: Bella struggling to deal with it all.

Chapter 30

Hard To Breathe

Bella's POV

During the first couple of months of being in the U.S, I would wake in the morning with an engulfing panic that leaving Australia and moving to Uncle Billy's had all been a dream. For those first few moments before the shroud of sleep lifted, I was convinced that when I opened my eyes I'd find myself in my old bedroom, at my mother's house; having never left at all. Of course, before I was able to talk myself completely into it, the sound of the rain would ease my fears well before Josh's smiling face was able to completely put my mind at rest.

This morning was the first time I came close to actually believing it.

As I stirred, slowly becoming aware of my surroundings, the only sounds I heard were the combination of kookaburras, magpies and cockatoos. It took less than a moment later to realise the very obvious lack of rain before I was instantly wide-awake. Inhaling sharply, I bolted upright in bed as my heart hammered violently with a sudden crushing panic.

I gripped at my chest as my eyes scanned the room hastily, immediately realising I was in Nummi's room. It was only a moment later that I was reminded of the reason why, as the panic in my heart was replaced by the now all too familiar ache.

I was in Australia. I'd come back for Kel's funeral.

Taking a jaggered breath, I dropped my head in my hands trying to somehow clear a path through the cataclysm that had become my life so I could make it through another day.

I turned to check the time, knowing the appearance of the sun meant nothing; it could still be five in the morning.

Nummi's iPod dock read 6:15am.

Nummi and Alice were still out cold, but Rach was half sitting up in the foldout bed squinting over at me with a mixture of concern and resignation furrowing her brow. A moment later she smiled at me affectionately.

"Still like rising at the crack of dawn, I see, Bells," she croaked out, still drunk from sleep.

I shrugged while my sheepish grin was half cut off by a shuddering yawn.

It was never that I liked to wake early; rather living with Renee had ensured that I'd never been a heavy sleeper. I woke easily and often throughout the night.

Rach suddenly shivered and jumped from her makeshift bed to mine. Climbing under the covers, she snuggled into me for warmth before pulling me back against the pillows with her.

"Aren't you cold?" she asked surprised.

"Nope," I answered simply.

"So, Bells..." she began a moment later, with a sly, teasing tone. I turned to gaze at her; she was smirking at me broadly, "about Edward..."

"What about him?" I asked with a good-natured sigh.

"I kinda find it strange that not once in all the messages you sent, whinging about how much he bugged you, did you mention how much of a spunk he is." She raised her brow, her smirk growing shrewd.

I immediately felt my cheeks burn. "What difference, does that make?"

She scoffed. "It's the difference between whether you secretly liked it or not. I'm guessing you did. Christ, I would have!"

"Are you cracking onto my boyfriend?" I teased her gently, but it was all I could do to not start grinning like a moron at the mention of Edward. There wasn't a single shred of doubt where he was concerned anymore, but there was a whole lot of everything else.

Rach made a mocking display of shock by sucking in her breath and blinking her eyes. "Boyfriend? Bells—did you just say the "b" word?"

I nudged her playfully. "Leave me alone."

"So..." she began, pausing to clear her throat rather suggestively, "have you let him cop a feel yet?"

My face suddenly burst into flames at the very idea of it, and of course, Rach took it as validation.

"Bells—you hussy!"

"Sssh—and no I haven't ... he hasn't ... I..." I stammered awkwardly, sealing my guilt the longer I stumbled over the words. My mind drifted to Edward the night before in the back paddock, and I immediately felt another surge of heat burn my face. If I was being brutally honest, he kind of did cop a feel. During the heated, impulsiveness that was our kissing, I recalled at some point dragging his hands from about my face. And as he moved them to wrap around my back, one of his hands first ran down my side and over—

"Mmm-hmm," Rach drawled, returning me to the present moment, while my face blazed more brazenly.

"Shut up," I mumbled with the beginnings of a guilty grin tugging at my lips.

She drew her breath, mocking me further. "My dear Isabella, are you blushing?"

I rubbed my forehead in a vain attempt to conceal it, as Rach broke into a soft chuckle. "Seriously, Bells, I'm happy for ya, and he has got it seriously bad for you."

"Yeah..." I murmured, sighing a little too wistfully. I let my thoughts linger on Edward for a while longer, before Rach groaned jokingly.

"Okay, keep it clean, girl—sheesh!"

I whacked her playfully, but I could talk about Edward all morning. At the moment it was only the fact that his smile made my knees go completely weak that kept me from falling into the abyss of pain that losing Kel had created within me.

"About Alice," Rach added, dropping her voice, "I totally love her, but bloody hell—talk about hypo."

I laughed gently, turning to glance over at Alice again with growing affection. She was lying spread-eagled on top of the blow up bed and covers, clutching a teddy bear that held a picture of Jazz in its belly.

"She's been such a godsend, Rach. She befriended me on my first day of school and has been there ever since," I confessed quietly, feeling the burning of emotion build in my throat. I hated to think what I would have done without her. Without Edward.

Rach sighed deeply, suddenly looking at me in a rare display of vulnerability. Rach was always a suck it up kind of person. I depended on it a lot during my pre-Forks days; her strength kept me on my feet. So now, when she looked so defeated, it threw me.

"What is it?" I asked her.

Her eyes flooded with guilt before it etched in her forehead. "You know it wasn't that we didn't want you to stay. You know that, don't you?"

I wrapped my arms around her tightly. "Of course I do. If it wasn't for you guys..." I paused deliberately, inhaling past the lump forming in my throat so I could continue, "she would have killed me."

Alice was suddenly stirring, distracting Rach from her reply.

"What are you two lesos doing?" She sat up groggily, teasing us lightly.

"Bloody hell, girl, did Bella test you on this ocker bullshit?" Rach chuckled, before jumping from my bed over to Nummi, where she shook her awake.

As soon as the warmth of Rach's body left me, I was left once again with the suffocating pain of my kel's death. It was so debilitating on my senses that I felt like I was walking around in constant shock. I craved the contact and the distraction—something to take away the burden of guilt that was ripping me apart from the inside out.

. . .

Edward must have been listening for us as we approached his room, because almost exactly as we were passing the door he emerged from behind it. He was dressed, but he looked dishevelled and his hair was all askew—even more than it usually was.

He immediately sought me out and when our eyes met, he flashed that smile of his, and for the barest minimum, the pain in my heart lessened.

"Good morning, girls," he spoke with a small smile, before draping his arm over my shoulder as we made our way into the kitchen for breakfast.

Rach and Nummi replied to him brightly; Alice scrutinised his clothes and snorted.

He rolled his eyed then pulled away from me a little, bending down to speak to me; almost caressing my ear with his lips. "How'd you sleep?"

"Okay. You?" I replied simply.

"Hmm ... well, I'd sleep better if those squawking birds didn't wake me up at five o'clock. What the hell are they?" he asked lightly, breaking into a small smile.

I smiled warmly up at him, needing to break his gaze. He would stare at me so intently; it was a little too much for me sometimes. He had a gaze that looked like he was contemplating the contents of your soul.

I cleared my throat before I answered him. "Um ... cockatoos you mean?"

When he didn't reply, I glanced quickly up at him; he was doing the smile he did when he found me amusing. I nudged him.

He chuckled softly. "What did I do?"

"You know exactly what you're doing. Just remember, you're the strange one now."

He squeezed me closer to him and then bent his head down to my ear again, "I can understand Alice being strange, but I think I fit in well."

I exhaled past my widening grin, just as I felt his lips press gently to my temple.

With Edward with me, I found myself able to escape this nightmare, even if it was just for a few moments. His presence allowed me to breathe again.

Carol had breakfast ready and waiting for us when we entered the kitchen. She was frying bacon and eggs to add to the spread.

I sat down at the table and grabbed two pieces of toast. I wasn't much of a big breakfast eater, and was looking forward to finally having Vegemite again. I hadn't eaten it since being in the U.S; it wasn't available in the local Forks or Port Angeles supermarkets.

"Edward, Alice, what would you two like for brekkie?" Carol asked them as I scraped the butter noisily over my toast.

"Erm ... I'll just have toast," Edward answered politely, reaching over to grab a couple of slices, his grin appearing again despite the fact that I hadn't spoken a word. "I'm curious about this Vegemite stuff."

"Oh, me too!" Alice piped up with enthusiasm.

Rach groaned in full amusement. "Bells, if they insist on eating it, at least spread it for them. Remember that exchange student that stayed a month at Kel's; he spread the stuff two inches thick and without butter."

The soft laughter escaped me before I was aware of it. Kel had been in tears telling us the story that day in school. I remembered it so intently; it was one of the few times where she didn't have to bend over backwards trying to cheer me up.

But just as quickly as the laughter filled the room it went silent. Rach cleared her throat and looked away, while Nummi fought to prevent the tears brimming in her eyes from overflowing. I only dropped my head, feeling no tears, only the ache that was tangled around my heart, tighten—with guilt.

Carol came to the back of my chair and placed her hands on my shoulders, squeezing them gently. "Come on, girls," she began, her tone tender. "You're allowed to laugh at the good times. Kel isn't gone; not really."

Rach and Nummi went back to fixing their breakfast, their expressions sombre, but I couldn't move. The invisible fist gripping my heart was taking control, and I was suddenly finding it hard to breathe past it. It was crippling, reminding me over and over that Kel was gone and I'd let her die without being beside her.

Carol kept her hands on my shoulders; I hadn't realised. She squeezed them again.

"Bella? Are you going to spread the Vegemite for Edward? Or are you going to let him burn that handsome mouth of his?"

I glanced over at him and caught the soft, tenderness of his gaze. He smiled at me warmly, almost sadly.

I didn't want him to be sad for me. It wasn't me they should have been sad for, and it would have made me feel a damn sight better if he—and everyone else—just told me what I deserved to hear. That I was a selfish brat for hiding away while Kel was so sick.

With a deep breath, in an attempt to push away the ache for just a few minutes relief, I reached over and took Edward's plate. He continued to smile at me tenderly. I smiled back, knowing if I could just focus on him instead I might just get through this.

I spread his toast with butter, followed by a thin layer of Vegemite. It wasn't the sort of thing that could be eaten two inches thick—even if you were reared on it.

I slid the plate back to him and went back to munching on my own toast, keeping an observant eye on him.

"BLEGH!" Alice suddenly blurted in disgust. "Oh my God! How do you eat this gunk?"

I laughed, but since I was still chewing, it came out muffled through my nose.

"It's an acquired taste," Carol confessed.

I turned back to Edward. He had just been about to take a bite of his toast before Alice's outburst. Now he was pausing, suddenly looking uncertain.

He met my eyes, I smiled at him—probably the same way he smiled at me whenever I said something bogan. I couldn't help it; he looked like he was about to eat a spider.

Flashing me a courageous grin, he seemed to shrug to himself then took a generous bite. After about the third chew, though, his face went blank and he blinked, looking like he was going to close his eyes and groan. He swallowed heavily and with what looked like effort, his expression all but a grimace.

With nothing but a small, amused smile, Carol took Edward's plate away. "We have some jam if you'd like, Edward."

"Thank-you," he replied with a constricted throat, his tone relieved.

I continued to chuckle, smothering it behind my toast, glad for Edward's presence with all my heart.

"Jesus, Bella, I hate to agree with Alice, but how can you eat that?" he asked me incredulously.

I opened my mouth to reply when Rach intercepted me, "You have to have it shoved on your dummy at birth."

Feeling suddenly bitter, I almost scoffed, wondering exactly how I had become fond of the stuff. I doubted Renee would have taken the time—or the effort—to put anything on my dummy. But then, I doubted that I would have even had one.

Edward grinned at her and chuckled softly, but when he turned back to me, his forehead was piqued in confusion. He tilted his head closer to mine and asked quietly, "What the hell is a dummy?"

I felt the warmth of my smile instantly before I was aware of it, by the sheer bewilderment on his face. It completely dissolved my agitation, and I wondered whether he was playing dumb deliberately just to get this reaction out of me. "It's a pacifier."

Grinning and shaking his head slightly to himself, he took a bite into the Jam toast Carol had spread for him. With his free hand he squeezed my leg beneath the table.

I reached down and clutched it, holding on to it as though it was my lifeline.

. . .

Just before breakfast was finished we got to meet Mick, Nummi's boyfriend. He entered through the back door and she jumped up from the breakfast table to welcome him, her expression immediately brightening.

He was handsome with an easy-going friendly face that reminded me of Jacob. And from the way that he was looking at Nummi, it was clear that he was smitten by her. He also took to Edward really well. The two of them chatted easily at the table for a while before Mick took him outside; though, Edward was almost reluctant. I had to practically push him through the door.

Afterwards, we hung around in Nummi's room, chatting while Alice disappeared outside to talk to Jazz on her mobile. It was strained though. After bringing up Kel at breakfast, the mood around us was despondent. Nummi curled herself up on her bed, hugging her pillow, while Rach flicked through songs on the iPod dock impatiently, her expression clouded.

I glanced around the room, my eyes falling on bits and pieces of Nummi's furniture that all had a memory attached to it. It was then that I recalled the last memory I'd had here. It was in this room, several months earlier, where Kel convinced me to leave. Just a few months previously it was just the four of us. No Alice, no Edward; just me, Kel, Nummi and Rach.

I got up from the bed and walked over to the window. As I glanced out, I felt a pang in my heart that it was another sunny day with a clear blue sky. There wasn't even a whisper of the storm clouds on the horizon that I had grown to love.

I missed Forks.

As I stood brooding over the weather and watching Alice having an animated conversation on her phone, Kel's mum pulled up in the driveway. My breath immediately caught; my chest clenching. Just seeing her yesterday felt like I'd had a hot iron pierced through my heart. I wasn't able to look at her and properly meet her eyes. I couldn't let her see the absolute shame that I felt.

Nummi heard the car and came to investigate. She put her arm over my shoulder and shrugged dolefully. "Her and mum are picking out some pics for Kel's funeral, I think."

I sighed and closed my eyes, not wanting to hear it even mentioned. The very notion of being at Kel's funeral—burying her, felt like it would burn a hole straight through my chest.

I held my breath and attempted to hold back another, seemingly endless wave of grief. It was getting harder and harder to do, but I feared to surrender to it; to completely surrender. I didn't know how I'd make it back if I did.

"Okay, moles, I say we go looking for Bells' Yankee boy," Rach said, jumping to her feet from her position on top of her fold out bed. "God knows what they're doing to the poor bastard, and," she paused, a small smirk forming on her lips, "he hasn't got a translator."

My thoughts gladly returned to Edward, and when I checked the clock, I realised he'd been gone for almost two hours. I was suddenly curious too and I was craving his company. I needed one of those puzzled, amused smiles of his just then; I needed the warmth of his skin against me; I just needed him to take this all away...

We walked right down to the rear of the property where the shearing sheds were, after Nummi mentioned that John and Brian had gone there earlier that morning.

The smell of the farm brought back so many memories for me, not all of them horrible. I remembered during the shearing season one year how the four of us girls were hired as rouseabouts. It used to take two of us together to lift a fleece, and at the end of the day we'd practically fall unconscious before we reached our beds; we'd been so exhausted. Since we'd started at dawn each morning, I'd stayed with Nummi's family for the week. It was one of my few childhood memories I could look back on with fondness. Even the stinking hot sheds that we'd spent most of the days in. But still, after I had got back to Renee's, she'd beaten me until I handed over the money Brian had paid me for my week's work.

Nummi wrapped her arm around me suddenly and pressed her fingers gently to my forehead. My face had become so knotted that my head began to ache with it. It didn't seem to matter what memories I had of Australia; they all ended with Renee.

From the sounds coming from the sheds as we got closer, it seemed that whatever the boys were doing in there, they were enjoying themselves. When I stepped inside and my eyes adjusted to the light, it took me a few moments to realise that the bare-chested guy bent over the sheep, with the sheers in hand, wearing the 'roughrider' akubra hat, literally covered in sweat, was Edward. I immediately pulled up short, my heart stalling in the back of my throat.

Bloody hell!

"Yowza!" Rach leaned in to me and whispered, but I think I was in too much of a stupor to fully register it.

With a smirk, John motioned with his eyes to Edward that we were there. He turned his head, instantly met my gaze and grinned broadly. His eyes were bright from the effort he'd exhausted and every single one of his muscles were taut and bulging as he held the sheep to him, one armed.

I released my breath and smiled back at him, before I was forced to look away. A rather huge wave of heat was suddenly on a collision course with my face, not to mention the pull that had begun in the pit of my stomach.

"He's a bit of a natural, your young fella, love," Brian said to me with a genuine smile.

I nodded, feeling the heat eventually circulate to my cheeks. I bit my bottom lip self-consciously, as if they all knew what my mind had been invoking, and turned back to Edward. Mick was wrangling the sheep awkwardly from his grip so he could continue shearing it. Edward stepped clear, before he put his hands on his hips and took a deep breath.

"Wow," he spoke in appreciation, before taking his hat off and handing it back to Brian.

"Keep it, mate. It's a good fit on you."

With a look of delighted appreciation crossing his face, Edward put it back over his damp mop of hair, before he went to retrieve his t-shirt. He hung with the guys, joking around with them for a moment longer, before he dried his face with his shirt, and I think I began swaying.

I needed to compose myself. Edward was about to make his way over to us and I didn't want him to see how the sight of him half naked had made my thoughts turn bloody carnal.

"Do you need a moment, Bells?" Rach teased me slyly.

My face flooded. "Ssssh!"

She chuckled, and stepped away as Edward came and stood beside me. "Jesus, I'm gonna be sore tomorrow."

"Maybe if you ask nicely, Bells will give you a massage," Rach added with feigned innocence.

I suppressed the urge to groan out loud; instead reaching up to rub the knot I could feel forming on my forehead.

Edward smiled, it was almost awkward though, uncertain. He went to run his fingers through his hair—I presumed—when he realised he was still wearing his akubra. Taking it off, he plonked it on top of my head, grinning down at me. Then, slinging his arm over my shoulder, he leaned down to me, and pressed me slightly against his, still very damp, body. The heat he was radiating enveloped me in an instant warmth.

"I'm buggered," he whispered to me.

I immediately smiled, nudging him with my shoulder. He'd managed to get the accent right this time; usually he over extended the "r"s.

"Do you want a drink?" I asked him.

"I was offered a long neck? Another beer I'm guessing?" He chuckled gently.

I nodded and smiled lightly along with him before I untangled myself from his arm and grabbed his hand. "Well I don't think there's any Dr Peppers, but I'm sure we can find you something."

I led him out of the shed and back toward the house. He stopped me to throw his crumpled shirt back over his head, putting his arm around my shoulders before we began walking again.

His damp body was filled with the rustic smell of the shearing shed, and mingled with it was the trace scent of his aftershave and deodorant. Altogether it made me feel slightly dizzy. I sighed and relaxed into him. I used to think there was nothing grosser than the sweaty shearers working away in the sheds, but at that moment I wouldn't have preferred him any other way.

I reached up and put the Akubra hat back on his head. He grinned, and before he could turn the full force of that smile on me, I snuggled back against his chest. This physical desire I was feeling for him was just the distraction I was hoping for. I needed to hang onto it.

"Goodness!" Carol exclaimed as we entered through the back sliding door into the kitchen. "What did they make you do, Edward?"

"Shear a sheep," he confessed.

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "They didn't—oh, I like that hat on you. It suits you!"

She went to the fridge, pulled out a jug of home-made lemonade, and poured him a glass. He took it with polite thanks and sat down at the breakfast table to drink it.

I was suddenly conscious that Kel's mum had been here, and I found myself cautiously glancing around to see if she still was. I loved her immensely; she was the closest thing I had to a mother growing up as a kid. It was the reason I felt too ashamed to see her. For her to know that I didn't come back after Kel's accident, after everything they had done for me...

"He's buggered," Carol said quietly to me, immediately distracting me.

I broke into a warm, afflicted smile and turned to glance at Edward. He was gulping down the drink, his hand slightly shaking.

I felt suddenly overloaded with emotion, and knowing that Edward was the reason I was able to deal with it all, made it burn to the surface. My eyes quietly filled with tears.

"He is," I eventually agreed, my voice breaking softly.

Carol put her arm tenderly around me and squeezed. "Would you like something to drink too, sweetheart?"

I nodded and swallowed hastily passed my tears, turning away from Edward. I could feel his eyes burning through me, but I couldn't meet his gaze.

He'd lost his father at a young age and he'd come close to losing his sister, and unlike me, he'd been there for them. Whether it was hard to bear or witness, he was still there. Alice had told me how much school he'd missed to be with her every day; to keep her spirits up and make her laugh; to hold her hand when she was in pain. Edward could relate to the grief I was feeling, but not my actions. I didn't deserve the tenderness that shone for me behind his eyes. It didn't change the fact that I needed him at the moment as much as the air that I breathed. Just his very presence helped release me from the burden of grief that literally felt like it was shredding me, while never seeing, never accepting that I deserved to drown under it.

Nummi and Rach walked through the back door a moment later, their gazes immediately zeroing in on me in synced concern.

"Bells...?" Rach asked, turning to glance at Edward before back to me. "You okay?"

"She's okay," Carol spoke up before I could answer, squeezing me again affectionately, before ushering me over to the table next to Edward, and placing a glass of juice in front of me.

Under the table, Edward placed his hand on my leg, his thumb caressing my knee gently. I dropped my hand to grab it and sighed deeply as the reins around my heart pulled tight. Eventually, apprehensively, I looked up and met his gaze. He smiled, again seeing no fault in me; seeing only my pain as his smile turned almost sad in its warmth. His eyes continued to validate the promise he'd made to me the night before. I clung to it, desperately—selfishly, knowing that with his support I could somehow reach the end of this nightmare.

Without it…

A/N: Yeah...