Warrior Cat Cody: Hey, everyone, and welcome back to my newest chapter of the Warrior Cats parody! I wish I can say "Happy Fall" or something, but it's not cold yet down here. Before we continue, I need to get something off my chest.
Sheesh, talk about harsher in hindsight! I made that joke about the mouse bile and the liver on the last chapter, and it turns out that I've got a fatty liver AND gallstones, and I gotta get the surgery for these gallstones. Yes, I was upset about it at first, but after a talk with someone I met a few weeks ago about God, I'm gonna keep doing as I usually do...except eat a lot. I really gotta start watching that.
Uploading Date: October 12, 2017
Enjoy!
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A Familiar Face? What A Twist!
The next morning, it started to rain. For a moment, it actually got pleasantly cool for a moment...but then went back to being muggy like on the Gulf Coast. Firepaw had woken up on this muggy day to go to Yellowfang's den, where she was trying to get a signal on ThunderClan's old-fashioned phone, which was around when Bluestar was a kit.
"Hey, it's leaking in here," said Firepaw.
Yellowfang rolled her eyes and grumbled, "Tell me something I don't know."
Firepaw stepped into the den, saying, "It's not safe to operate a phone while the roof's leaking. How about you spend the night in the nursery with the queens and kits?"
"What, and hear them parrot their political correctness all night?" growled Yellowfang. "No thanks. I'd rather get wet!"
"Okay, sheesh!" Firepaw said, backing away. "I'll get some tarps from Smallear."
"Thanks, Firepaw," said Yellowfang.
That stunned Firepaw. Since when did mean old Yellowfang become polite old Yellowfang? Before he could ask that, she snapped, "Well, are you gonna wait until someone runs you over? Get your tail moving, on the double!"
Firepaw smiled; that was the Yellowfang he liked to know. He started heading to the elders' den when he bumped into Speckletail, who was holding a Flowers In The Attic book in one paw.
"Hey Speckletail," Firepaw said. "Going to see Yellowfang?"
Speckletail wrinkled her nose. "No way, she smells kinda funny," she said. "And she prefers South Park over The Loud House. But I wanted to say that Bluestar wants to see you. She's playing her game, so give her a tap on the shoulder."
Firepaw nodded with an "Okay" put into it. When he ran over to Bluestar's den, she was sitting there, playing Pokemon Sun version.
"Bluestar!" Firepaw called, but Bluestar was still playing the game. So Firepaw threw a pebble at her and yelled, "Bluestar!"
Bluestar gave him a miffed look before muttering, "I'll complete that Akala Island grass trial next time." She put her 3DS and headphones before snapping at Firepaw, "WHAT?!"
"Um...Speckletail said you wanted to see me," said Firepaw.
"Did Speckletail tell you to tap me on the shoulder?" Bluestar asked.
Firepaw now looked down the the ground. "Oh...right...anyway, I was just coming to tell you that Yellowfang's roof is leaking."
"Oh, I get it now," she said, now smiling. "Yeah, I'm just gonna get one of the queens to do it, even if I'm not too busy to do it myself. You can get back to training."
"Really! YEAH!" Firepaw cheered, jumping up and down. But he thought he'd look like a fool and calmed down, saying, "I mean...thanks, Bluestar."
Bluestar immediately went back to her game, saying, "No problem. Now get going and do whatever you apprentices do."
...
When Firepaw met up with them a few minutes later at their stump, Graypaw was now playing his Pokemon Moon game on the 3DS. Ravenpaw was just cowering as usual...which was usual for the spazzy apprentice.
"Spazzy?" remarked Graypaw to the narrator. "That's a new word."
Hey, don't blame me. Watch that YouTube video called True Facts About The Frog.
"Isn't it that video where that frog makes the funny screaming sound?" Graypaw asked. "I like that video!"
Never mind, let's continue the story.
"Anyway, you're joining us at last, huh, buddy?" Graypaw asked Firepaw, tossing him an A&W root beer can. "We were wondering if you were gonna knit sweaters and socks with Yellowfang forever."
Firepaw threw a stick at him. "First off, they're stockings, not socks," he protested. "Second, we never actually knitted; I took care of her, and she'd sometimes curse or talk about the good old days in ShadowClan. And third, Ravenpaw, you shouldn't be nervous about Tigerclaw giving us a test," he added to Ravenpaw. "Yeah, he's a jerk, but he could be a fair guy."
Ravenpaw started to take out his inhaler, muttering, "You can never tell with Tigerclaw."
"Oh, for StarClan's sake, Ravenpaw, put that away!" grumbled Graypaw. "You don't need it whenever someone mentions Tigerclaw. It's not like he's Voldemort or Hitler or anything."
While they waited, the sky turned from gray to blue. One might, you could expect a dopey song from Teletubbies about the sky. Anyway, Tigerclaw came strolling into the clearing, wearing a military outfit.
"Aten-HUT!" Tigerclaw commanded.
All three apprentices stood on their hind legs, their tails held out as they did a salute to him. Ravenpaw started to hyperventilate until Tigerclaw snapped a book in front of him to shut him up.
So Tigerclaw got down to business. "So what you three brats will be doing is hunting. Bluestar says you're ready to be warriors soon, but I say 'Nay!' But I'm not the leader...yet," he added in a half-whisper. "Anyway, you three will be hunting, and someone will spy on you and call you names if you dare miss a whisker."
"First, Ravenpaw, you try near Snakerocks. That'll teach you to eat my chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream," Tigerclaw sneered, showing sharp white teeth.
At this, Ravenpaw started to hyperventilate again and brought out his inhaler. Tigerclaw slapped that out of his paws.
"Graypaw, go check near the river," Tigerclaw ordered. "That way, we won't have to go all the way to Long John Silver's an hour away to get fish."
"Yay. Wet paws for me!" Graypaw said sarcastically.
But Tigerclaw bonked him on the head before turning to Firepaw. "Well, Mr. I'm-Happy-Bluestar's-My-Mentor, since Bluestar's not here, I'm not gonna go soft on you," he jeered. "Go check by the Twolegplace. And I will totally not be watching you in the bushes and try to snipe you with these paint balls and this sniper gun." He brought out a sniper rifle and slipped some paint balls into it.
Okay, that was creepy, Firepaw thought. Out loud, he asked Graypaw, "What's Snakerocks like?"
"It's deep and dark and dangerous," said Graypaw. "I don't know why Tigerclaw thought sending Ravenpaw there was a good idea. Those snakes hate having their venom-milking lessons interrupted. But Ravenpaw's so spazzy..."
"That actually does sound like a good word for him," joked Firepaw.
Graypaw snickered. "Yeah. Anyway, he's so spazzy that they'll just miss their mark anyway. Look, I'm gonna have a soda break before I head out. Good luck, buddy."
And with that, he and the apprentices went their separate ways.
At first, it was exciting to actually hunt, and he even caught a mouse. But then it got boring when they weren't going to do anything other than hunt. Firepaw found himself wishing that he could've been at camp looking after Yellowfang again...but at least he was free to do whatever. Other than the looming threat of Tigerclaw hitting him with paint balls, he didn't have much to complain about at the moment.
Suddenly, he saw something strolling in the woods and thought it was a panda. But...pandas didn't live around here. Instead, it was a plump black-and-white cat munching on a donut and strolling through the woods. Must be a kittypet, Firepaw thought with a sneer. I can't wait until I get my claws on that fat little...oh, wait, I was one of those.
He let out a yowl and jumped out at the black-and-white cat, who screamed and dropped his donut. The kittypet ran off, and Firepaw followed him with a war cry, like you hear in those old cowboys-and-indians movie. With a running leap, he pinned the kittypet down to the ground...but then relaxed his grip. Hey, wait a minute...that's Smudge!
"AHHH! Don't kill me, mister!" Smudge pleaded. "I promise I'll never use Rusty's old litterbox while eating burritos ever again!"
Firepaw got off of him, disgusted. "Smudge, I could go on for the rest of my life without hearing that," he retorted.
"Well, sorry about that, Rusty..." But Smudge's eyes widened as he mewled, "R-Rusty? Is that you?"
"That's my name. Don't wear it...you know what, that's not my name anymore," said Firepaw. "I'm Firepaw now."
Smudge blinked at him before giggling. "Okay, very funny, Rusty. And I'm Darkstalker!"
Firepaw frowned at him. "No, Smudge, I really am Firepaw now. I'm really living with the wildcats now."
"Wow..."
Firepaw grinned...but then he said, "Um...Smudge, you look fatter than usual."
"What?! I'm offended!" Smudge slurred, now looking insane. But then he calmed down and said, "Sorry. I got neutered. I might not have any kids now, and I'm kind of gaining weight, but I feel calmer now. And I also got my gallbladder removed, so that's a plus."
Wow...I almost lost my tenders like this guy. Firepaw couldn't imagine being neutered like Smudge, being fat and eating chocolate like in a flashback from Family Guy. Wait, why am I thinking of Family Guy?
"So what's it like out here in the wild?" Smudge asked. "I told Henry that you were leaving for good, and he wants to know too."
Rusty...I mean, Firepaw sighed and said, "Okay, I'll tell you. At times, it's really cool, but it can also be really flipping annoying. The Clan cats are a lot more random and weird than kittypets, but they can fight really good. Heck, we even use WWE moves on each other!"
Smudge didn't look interested, but he did nod his head a few times. "That's good and all, but I gotta go," he said. "I need to hit the can."
"Then you better go quick," said Firepaw. "I don't think any Clan cat wants to see a kittypet peeing with fright on their territory."
"Yeah, that wouldn't be good," said Smudge. "Plus, I'll tell everyone that you're okay. I'll see ya later!"
Firepaw called back, "See ya next time! And I owe you a colossal donut next time we see each other! You know, like on The Simpsons!"
He just barely heard Smudge call back "Those don't exist!" before he went back into the forest. Firepaw decided to hunt down a bird and call it a day so he could start building up his Pokemon team in his own Sun version.
To be continued...