A/N: Slightly shorter chapter than I'd prefer this week, on account of real life. It suffices to say that I've been having fun.

At any rate, miladyRanger remains the best beta and you really should check the end-notes if you think you might need warnings for things. This chapter's also got some additional notes.

Chapter 42

Shinichi left his suitcases at the professor's, as he was not really interested in trying to drag them home without help. The professor wasn't answering his cell phone, so in the end he'd just left a note atop the luggage with a request for the professor to drop them off at the Mouri Detective Agency when he was able to.

For now, he was climbing the stairs up to the agency, slotting lies together in his head as he went.

He didn't want to slip back into this, into being Conan, into lying with every other word and keeping every identifying aspect of himself buried for his own safety. But it was familiar, like putting on a discarded set of clothes.

He hadn't fully appreciated how nice it had been in England, just to be himself, short or not. Now that he was giving it up, he realized how precious that week had been.

But it was over. This was reality, until Ai found a cure.

He knocked on the agency's door.

"Mouri Detective Age-what the-" Mouri broke off, cigarette dangling from his limp as he stared down at Conan. "Where's your mom?"

"She dropped me off at Professor Agasa's house, so my luggage is still there," Shinichi said. "He was busy with something, so he's going to bring it over for me later."

"Any reason he couldn't have brought it over now?" Mouri asked. "Geez, he could've at least walked you over here…"

"I walk to the Professor's all the time!" Shinichi protested.

"It's the middle of the day, kid, you're supposed to be in school!" Mouri said. "You just watch, some nosy housewife who saw you wandering around is gonna call me about you cutting class…"

That's not my problem, Shinichi thought.

Mouri sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. "Look, just get inside, will ya?"

Shinichi sighed, and walked in, taking off his shoes at the genkan.

The Agency was the same as always. The scent of tobacco layered over the faint lingering smell of lemon-scented cleaning solution. At least the place smelled less like beer nowadays, though there was one or two beer cans mixed in with the pile of junk making its home on the edge of Mouri's desk.

"Ran was near the elementary school on errands earlier this week and picked up some of your homework for you. It's on your bed. You might as well get started on it now."

"But-"

"I'm watching Yoko-chan out here. You're home from vacation now; time to get back to work, kid."

Shinichi put on a pout and stomped a bit as he headed back to his room.

Inwardly, though, he just felt relief.

Kiddy homework wasn't great. It was a reminder that kiddy school was waiting for him tomorrow. But it didn't involve being a cute little kid in front of Mouri.

He didn't want to be back at the detective agency. He didn't want to have to start lying to Ran again as soon as she got home from school.

But the trip, all the hassle and danger and pain, it had been worth it. They'd found Saguru. They'd all gotten back to Tokyo safely. For that matter, Saguru was heading home, right now, with an overprotective KID practically hovering over his shoulder every step along the way.

Settling back into this, to being something he wasn't, wasn't going to be easy. If it ever got easy, he'd probably end up panicking over it.

But it was doable, and it was necessary. He could deal with that.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Kaito was sitting in an alley doing card tricks because he'd lost control of his life.

Well, and because Hakuba had lost control of his ability to regulate his breathing and was possibly having a panic attack. It sure looked like a panic attack. He was crouched with his back against the wall of one of the buildings that made up the alley, fingers cupped over his mouth and nose and shoulders hunched up to the point where they were almost level with his ears. His face was pale, his breathing was ragged, and his eyes weren't as far off as they'd been back in his apartment in London, but they weren't quite here either.

Kaito had made a game effort at remembering all that stuff he'd read about panic attacks. There'd definitely been something about counting, and breathing…

Hakuba had not liked that advice.

His precise response had been more along the lines of, "If you can't remember what the actual instructions were, keep it to yourself," coupled with, "And this is not a panic attack."

Kaito's normally precise memory was folding under both stress and the fact that he hadn't bothered with remembering how you were supposed to deal with it when a person was having a panic attack in his research of them. Honestly, he hadn't really got much past figuring out the signs of one to know if he was having one, which was kind of short-sighted now that he thought about it.

So he'd done the only thing he could think of and gotten out a deck of cards. Hey, it calmed both of them down when they did card tricks. And...they were faint for him, and probably more so for Hakuba, but he did have memories of watching his dad do simple tricks at the kitchen table, and feeling as happy and safe as he ever had in his life.

He had no idea if it was working. Hakuba didn't seem quite as tightly strung as he'd been when he'd started, but that could be the effect of time rather than his efforts. It was hard to tell.

It retroactively occurred to him that he could use his phone to look up that information, but he wasn't sure if it would be better to continue what he was doing or not.

"Hakuba?" he ventured.

Hakuba made a sound of acknowledgement.

"I'm going to get out my phone and look up panic attacks-"

"It isn't," Hakuba said. "I'm fine."

"You aren't breathing right," Kaito said.

That sat between them like a smoke bomb ready to go off.

"Not breathing right" meant unfit, in KID's parlance. You needed to control your breath to do gymnastics, to dodge snipers, to alter your voice and to stay functional while piloting the glider at altitudes miles above the ground. Even during that mistake of a heist when Kaito was still injured, he'd made sure he could control his breathing properly, or at least to some extent, before he put on the dress whites.

"No, I'm not," Hakuba allowed, which was as close to admitting he wasn't okay as he was likely to get at this point in time.

"So, am I allowed to look up ways of fixing that?" Kaito asked.

"Unnecessary," Hakuba declared. "It's...not as bad now. Just give me a bit."

"Right," Kaito said. After a few seconds, he offered, "Want the cards?"

"Not now," Hakuba said.

Hands must be shaking again, or covering his mouth like that is helping, Kaito thought.

Well, the tricks were helping him not panic, and they might be a good distraction, so he kept running through them, shuffles and flourishes and sometimes just plain juggling.

As Hakuba's face started to return to its normal coloring, he said, "Pick a card."

"We know all the same tricks," Hakuba said, and there was almost a laugh in his voice.

"Okay, then pick out which one I'm doing," Kaito said. "But first, pick a card."

Hakuba extended a hand, revealing the shaky grin on his face. His breathing was starting to sound more even. He plucked a card from the stack in Kaito's hand.

"Nine of diamonds."

Kaito grinned.

"All right, now put it back," he said.

"I am aware of how this works," Hakuba replied, replacing the card.

"Okay, nothing up my sleeves!" Kaito announced cheerily, slipping the card out of the deck with a-

"Tenkai palm."

"Really?" Kaito complained.

"I've been doing this longer than you," Hakuba said smugly.

"I'll practice until I can fool you," Kaito said.

"Are you certain about that kind of time commitment?" Hakuba asked.

Kaito grinned back. "Feeling any better?"

"As a matter of fact, yes," Hakuba said. He was quiet for a few seconds, and then added, more softly, "Thank you."

"You ready to go?" Kaito asked, standing. "Because...I'm gonna be honest, I don't like the idea, but if you really don't think you can handle going home today, we can figure something else out. I'm not sure what yet, but-"

"No," Hakuba said. "I need to do this."

"You keep saying things like that, like you think they won't be grateful to see you," Kaito said. "Like you don't want to see them."

"I…I don't not want to see them," Hakuba hedged. "But I don't quite believe in this welcome you seem to think I'll receive. I've caused no end of trouble, I've actively deceived them-perhaps this return really will be as uncomplicated as you believe it will be, but it really doesn't seem very likely to me!" He turned toward the mouth of the alley. "Let's go before I lose my nerve again."

"Hakuba-san-" Kaito started, following.

"I would appreciate it if you were to cease pushing the matter."

"But-"

"Kuroba-san!" Hakuba all but bit out. "This is, strangely enough, not making me less anxious."

Well, that was a reason to shut up.

Hakuba slowed as they entered his neighborhood. They'd had the good sense to avoid the normal police patrol routes, so he wasn't noticed by a work friend, but these were his neighbors, and they couldn't avoid walking past their houses without taking to the roofs and potentially attracting even more attention.

Fortunately, no one noticed them. It was still early enough in the afternoon that most students and office workers were away, which was in their favor. And all too soon, they found themselves in front of the Hakuba Mansion.

Hakuba wasn't moving from the sidewalk in front of the house. Kaito wasn't completely sure he was breathing, either.

"Hey," he said, carefully. "Stay with me here, okay?"

"I-I'm here," Hakuba said. "That's rather the problem, actually. I'm entirely unready for this. I-I don't want-"

"It's-" I can't promise that. I'm almost positive it will be, but I can't promise it will be fine. "I'll stay with you, for as long as you'd like me to, if it'll help," he said.

"Despite all logic ruling going against it, it actually would," Hakuba said.

"Okay, how do we do this?" Kaito asked. "Does the front gate have an intercom?"

Hakuba nodded.

"Do you, uh…" he trailed off. "They're gonna think it's weird if I'm the one that asks to be let in."

Hakuba looked at him oddly.

"Look, Mom and I were suspects when the police were suspects, back when the police were making sure you hadn't been kidnapped," Kaito said. "Since Mom was investigating and the two of us don't get along."

"That can't have gone well," Hakuba said.

"We made up a crock story about me falling down some stairs that I probably should've filled you in on more at some point, but-"

"How was I involved?" Hakuba asked.

"You stopped me from falling down the stairs," Kaito said. "I had a fever. In the story. That was our explanation for why you were at the house."

"So you had to lie to the police during a missing persons investigation," Hakuba said, running a hand through his hair. "Wonderful. I really did make everything more complicated."

"Mom did most of the lying, I was mostly a visual aid on pain medication," Kaito said.

"Is that supposed to be comforting?" Hakuba asked.

"Just use the intercom," Kaito grumbled.

"I-" Hakuba started.

"If I can survive your dad, that Division One cop Conan likes, and the little murder magnet himself all trying to question me when I'm full of pain meds, you can at least try the intercom," Kaito said.

"Conan-kun too?" Hakuba asked. "Your luck really is something to behold."

"Stop stalling," Kaito pressed. "Get it over with. Worrying over it isn't going to change a thing."

"I suppose not," Hakuba said, and approached the intercom button.

He took a breath. "Ah, Baaya?"

"Bocchama?"

Kaito had never met Hakuba's housekeeper, though he mentioned her in conversation occasionally. From this one word, it was clear that she was both as old as Jii and as traditional, and also that Hakuba was more to her than just her employer's child.

Hakuba had frozen up again. Kaito would've normally nudged him, but with the way he'd been over the last few days, he was afraid that unwarned contact was more likely to be interpreted as an attack than as a reminder to respond.

"Hakuba-san," he said.

Hakuba cleared his throat, shakily, and pressed the intercom button again.

"Yes, I-it's, ah, I-I'm sorry," Hakuba said. "I didn't mean-"

"You can stop apologizing now, I think," Kaito said. "Let her talk, maybe?"

"But-"

"She's not upset, right?" Kaito prompted.

Cautiously, Hakuba let his hand fall away from the intercom button.

"Stay right there," Baaya ordered, sounding choked.

And a few minutes later, there was an old woman in a conservative dress and low heels running down the driveway. Kaito wasn't sure how much of Hakuba's occasional failure with social cues was acting and how much of it was legitimate and the result of him getting lost in his head, but he was pretty sure most people would have a hard time misreading Baaya's obviously wet eyes and elated expression.

Then again, Hakuba had frozen up again, so maybe not.

Oh, this was going to be a long afternoon.

A/N: Warnings for: Smoking (hey, the MPAA warns for it, I might as well too) and Conan's general identity issues plus a bit of a downer ending in the first part; a vaguely described outsider POV panic attack, questionable coping mechanisms, self-esteem issues, and general discussion of Hakuba and Kaito's distorted perceptions of themselves and how others see them.

I was deliberately very vague in the description of Hakuba having a panic attack. I don't want to set myself up as any kind of authority here. As for Kaito's method of response—that was also deliberate. I'm wary of making all the characters too competent, particularly in areas outside of their specialties. I've read that before, and it's kinda freaking creepy; the characters end up feeling like a hive mind. So Kaito's actually kinda not that great at this, or at least not from an expert perspective. He's doing decently as a friend though, which is sometimes the best you can manage.

I am getting to the reviews I haven't gotten to, but please forgive me my slowness. Things are a little nutsy IRL and it's hard keeping up sometimes.