Taylor pulled her legs up onto Gerald's passenger seat and looked out the window. "Your campus makes mine look small."
"Your campus is a little small," Jude said. "Join me."
"Your campus is a little too big for me. Even if the dorms look that nice."
Jude parked in the nano parking lot. Connor was already standing in the entryway of the tall building and he pushed the door open and headed toward them.
"I'll say it again, Jude, he's cute. You're lucky."
"I know," Jude agreed.
Jude watched in the rear view mirror as Connor slid in the back seat of the car, glancing around before hesitantly shifting a textbook to the opposite side of the seat. He looked up, meeting Taylor's eyes.
"Hey, how are you?" she asked brightly.
"Um, good. How are you?"
Jude didn't think he sounded good. Connor's voice had that subdued quality it gained when something emotionally drained him. He wanted to crawl into the backseat and hold Connor, but he couldn't; he just reached his hand back, and Connor stretched forward to brush his fingers. Jude smiled at him, and Connor was slow to return it.
"I'm doing great," Taylor said. "We had a good weekend. Jude got drunk and yelled at the models on ANTM."
"Oh. That, um, sounds like fun."
"It was hilarious. Next time, though, I'm going to have to tape it, because he doesn't remember anything."
Jude winced as he saw Connor's expression reflected in the mirror. He saw Connor try and rearrange his features, but he couldn't imagine what Connor was thinking. Connor didn't drink because of his ex's problem with alcohol and Jude hadn't hidden his own parents' problems with alcohol. Connor knew about Jude's own little rules for himself when he was drinking. Jude would never give up drinking for Connor, he liked the times that he would get to relax with a drink, but he knew that he wouldn't push himself past his usual rules when he was with Connor. But there was still concern on Connor's face as he sat in the backseat, and Jude didn't want to ignore Connor's feelings.
"Um … where did you pick for lunch, Taylor?" Connor asked.
"There's a diner around my bus stop that I really like. And you can never go wrong with good burgers, right?"
"Right," Connor confirmed.
"So, what did you do last night? Jude said you went to see a basketball game?"
Jude slowly began to drive as Taylor coaxed answers from Connor about last night's game. Connor commented on the crowds and the noise; he said he was glad that their team had won. Taylor got him to admit that he would have hated to lose, so to speak, the first game that he attended. Jude stayed quiet, wanting to listen to the two of them talk. It was important to him that Connor and Taylor get along, but he knew that there was a chance that Taylor's brashness and Connor's quiet personality would end up conflicting. There was none of that.
He knew Taylor, whether or not she actually liked Connor, would double her effort to like him, just for Jude. Jude knew that Taylor genuinely liked Connor, though, and Connor, hesitant as he was, liked Taylor. He didn't think that Connor liked Taylor as much as Taylor liked him, but Jude thought that could also change.
Jude parked next to the diner. "Okay, everybody out!"
"Thank God, I'm starving." Taylor flicked her hair and looked at Connor. "He never feeds me."
Jude rolled his eyes as they climbed out of the car. He tucked his hand on Connor's elbow and walked with him. "She's lying. I've never seen anyone eat as much as she does."
"I heard that!" Taylor appeared on Jude's other side.
Jude laughed. "You were supposed to."
"Why you gotta be so rude?" Taylor sang.
Jude shook his head and Connor held the door open for Jude and Taylor. Jude reached behind him, offering his hand to Connor. He was relieved when Jude took his hand, holding him tightly. More tightly than Jude thought he would, and he wondered what was on Connor's mind. He wondered if it was more than the drinking than Taylor had mentioned, and Jude was convinced that it wasn't the end of the story. He knew Connor didn't like drinking, but it wasn't as if Connor had attempted to stop him from drinking on Halloween.
"Table for three?"
"Please," Taylor said to the hostess. In a whisper, she added to Jude, "She's cute."
"She's all yours," Jude joked.
They were led to a booth, and Taylor slid into one side, stretching her legs across the seat. Jude laughed to himself a little, then turned to Connor.
"Inside or outside?"
"In, please," Connor said quietly.
"After you, baby," Jude said, waving him in. Connor slid against the wall and he leant against it.
Jude made sure to leave some space between Connor and himself, but Connor sought out Jude's hand again. Jude grinned as Connor tightened his grip, and he reached out with one hand to flick through the menu.
"What are you in the mood for?"
"The biggest burger I think I can stomach," Taylor replied. "And a salad, 'cause anything with grated egg on it is something I need in my life."
"Grated egg?" Jude repeated.
"Don't judge, it's delicious."
"I think it sounds really good," Connor said supportively.
"See, he's smart," Taylor said. "I like this one."
Jude lifted Connor's hand to his mouth and kissed his knuckles.
"I like you too, Taylor," Connor said.
"Maybe I can steal you from Jude," Taylor mused.
"Good luck," Connor said quietly.
Jude glanced over at Connor. "You're not steal-able?"
Connor's eyes were soft, but his grip on Jude's hand was tight enough that Jude felt he could crumble in Connor's grasp. He knew Connor wouldn't; he knew Connor just needed something to hold onto.
"No," Connor said, his voice now a whisper. "I really don't think I am."
"Please don't give me a cavity," Taylor said quickly. "I don't need to know exactly how much of you is made out of mush, Jude."
"A lot of me. Ooh, all day breakfast."
"Don't you still have, like, eighty containers of pancakes in your fridge?"
"Something like that," Jude mused.
"Why do you –"
"We ordered delivery for breakfast the other morning."
At being interrupted, a flash of annoyance came across Connor's face. He quickly hid it, unfortunately, his next expression was one of submission, and Jude hated that expression. He could only imagine what Connor was thinking in those moments, but Jude hated all of the guesses that he came up with.
"Hey, guys, have you decided what you wanted or did you need another minute?"
Taylor jumped at ordering, and Jude quickly raked his eyes across the menu, ordering the first thing that he thought sounded good. After Connor said what he wanted, Taylor excused herself to the washroom, and Connor let out a heavy sigh.
"What is it, baby? Is everything okay?"
"Taylor's a more intense person than I'm used to." Connor furrowed his brow.
"Is that okay?"
"Yeah." A smile tugged at the corners of Connor's mouth. "I mean, I'm still not going to let her steal me."
Jude chuckled.
"I like her. I just don't know, if she lived closer, if I would be able to spend a lot of time with her. And I feel really bad for saying that, because she's your best friend and I should feel better about her."
"You're free to dislike her, you know."
"But I don't. I do like her. She's just … intense."
"And it's okay to say that. I'm glad you can be honest about that." Jude rested his chin on Connor's shoulder and kissed Connor's cheek. "Is there something else on your mind? You've been a little odd so far."
"Are we still going to study after Taylor goes home?"
"Yeah. If you want to. Why?"
"Can we talk about it then?" Connor asked. "It's something I'd rather say at your place."
"Okay," Jude agreed. "But you're okay?"
Connor nodded, but it was a little stiff.
"Is it about my drinking?"
Connor shook his head. "I'm not comfortable with drinking, but I'd never tell you to stop, since it's not a problem for you. Like, you don't drink enough where I worry about you or think you need to deal with it, so … I mean, I can't say anything. And I know that if I were there, then you'd be more aware of what you're drinking and how much and … I'm rambling now."
"A little. But finish your thought, please?"
"I really appreciate what you do for me. And I know you're a good person, Jude. You clearly didn't traumatize Taylor, so, your drinking doesn't bother me."
Taylor slid back into the booth seat. "God, where's our food?"
"We just ordered, give them a minute."
"Ugh."
Jude laughed.
"So, what did you talk about while I was gone?"
"You, of course," Jude answered.
Then, Taylor laughed. She leant across the table. "Did you talk about your birthday?"
"No. Why?"
"Because it's next weekend and we're going to be home and we're going out and I was just wondering if Connor was going to be there too."
Jude bit down on his lip, watching Connor shift slightly away from him on the booth seat.
"I didn't bring it up," Jude said.
Connor's grip became so loose on Jude's hand that Jude had to let go of him completely.
"Oh." Taylor let the word drag to the point where Jude had to narrow his eyes at her. She mouthed, "What?"
"Stop," he said quietly, keeping an eye on Connor. He knew how uncomfortable Connor would be if he noticed the conversation he was being left out of.
Connor's comfort was the reason that Jude hadn't asked him to come home with him on his birthday weekend. Jude would love to have him there. The issue was that Jude was going home for the entire weekend. He had a family dinner on Friday night and then he and his friends were going out to bars on the Saturday. Connor had met moms, yes, but the idea of meeting Jude's siblings had made Connor look so uncomfortable that Jude didn't want to bring it up again, at least, not this soon. There was just so much about this weekend that was outside of Connor's comfort zone. Jude knew that if he really wanted Connor there and he asked, Connor would do his best to say 'yes' to him. And if it had just been one part of the weekend, Jude might have asked, because asking Connor to take a small step outside of his comfort zone didn't feel like such a big deal. But to ask Connor to do all of those things at once just seemed rude and unfair.
"Do you have any plans for your real birthday?" Taylor continued.
Jude smiled at her. She knew full well that he did and she knew what they were. "I'm spending my real birthday with Connor."
"If you still want to," Connor said, wiping at the condensation on his water glass.
"Of course I still want to. I've been looking forward to our plans since we made them."
Connor looked at him doubtfully, but when Jude reached for Connor's hand again, Connor was reaching back.
"So cute," Taylor said with an eye roll. "So cute."
"He makes up most of it," Jude joked, and a blush tinged Connor's cheeks.
"Yeah, that I believe," Taylor snorted.
"Do you believe it?" Jude asked Connor quietly.
"Oh, um …"
Jude nudged his cheek against Connor's shoulder. "Baby?"
Connor quickly kissed the top of Jude's head and Jude couldn't stop grinning, even as their food was dropped off.
(-.-)
Connor sat in the passenger seat of Gerald and watched Jude and Taylor stand at the bus stop. He could see the bus approaching in the rear view mirror, and Jude and Taylor hugged goodbye. Connor picked at the seam of his jeans, and then switched the song that was playing on his phone. He didn't want to intrude on Jude's and Taylor's small moment, but he didn't know what else to do with himself. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't looking forward to going back to Jude's apartment and curling up on the couch with their textbooks. It was perhaps the lamest daydream that he could be having about his boyfriend, but the thought of it brought a sense of contentedness over Connor and that feeling meant so much to him. The peace that Jude brought meant so much to him.
There were things, though, that could unsettle him. Connor knew that was more about him than it was about Jude. The thing about Jude, though, was that Connor always felt like he could talk to Jude, and he loved that feeling. It meant a lot to him that he could do that, because he felt like he had been holding his tongue for most of his life.
Jude got back in the car.
"You'll miss her?" Connor asked.
"I'll see her next weekend," Jude reminded him.
Connor's heart felt heavy. Right. His birthday. Connor had known Jude was going home for his birthday weekend, and he hadn't really thought about going with him. He hadn't been invited, it was Jude's weekend, Jude was spending his real birthday with him, and, honestly, it never crossed his mind that Jude might ask him to be there. Connor hadn't thought it weird that Jude hadn't extended an invitation until Taylor made a big deal about Jude not asking. Now Connor was wondering why Jude hadn't at least asked. Jude usually asked him about things, even when he thought Connor would say no.
"It's not that I don't want you to come," Jude said. "I just knew that everything involved would be such a big deal to you, and I really didn't think that you'd want to. Maybe I made a mistake again, thinking that I was protecting you and forgetting you can make up your own mind about things. I'm not just saying it because Taylor brought it up. I would love it if you were there, but I know it was a big deal for you to have dinner with my moms. I really didn't think you'd want to spend two nights overnight, going out with them and my siblings one night and then going out to a bar the other night."
"Oh."
Jude had started the car, but he didn't take it out of park. "What are you thinking, baby?"
"I like being asked things, even when you know I'll say no. I just like the chance to speak for myself."
"I know. I mean, I know that, but I don't always remember it. I know I've got to work on that."
"There's not a lot you have to work on, so I think you'll be okay," Connor said.
"Would you want to come with me this weekend?"
"I'm scared."
"Of?"
"Meeting your siblings, especially Callie. And I want you to be able to have fun when you're with your friends. I don't want to make you worry about me or hold you back. You're right, Jude, it's probably best I don't go."
"Hey, I never said it's best if you don't go. I'd love to have you there, my siblings will like you, Callie will like you, and you don't hold me back from anything."
"Do you mean that?"
"Completely."
Connor believed him. When Jude looked at him like that and spoke to him with such conviction, there was no way that Connor could doubt him.
"Just like always, you don't have to give me an answer now, baby. I won't be leaving until after classes on Friday, so if you want to go, you have plenty of time to figure it out and tell me. I want you there, but I don't want you to come if that's the only reason you would. Do you know what I mean?"
"Yes," Connor said decisively. "I understand. I don't know what I think yet, Jude."
"And that's okay. What do you want to do now?"
"I'd still like to go to your apartment if you want me to."
"I want you to," Jude promised, and he quickly drove off.
It took about fifteen minutes to get to his apartment, and the whole time, Connor was quiet. Quiet enough that Jude worried about how he leant against the window and watched the familiar sights passing him by. When Jude reached for his hand, Connor didn't reach back, and Jude was left gripping the wheel and wondering what to say. When they pulled into his driveway and Jude turned the car off, Connor hopped out like he always did. They held hands walking down the pathway, and Jude unlocked the door with shaky fingers.
"What's on your mind, baby?" Jude asked as the door swung open.
Connor slowly stepped inside, leading Jude. He didn't face him as he asked, "Would you hit me?"
"What? Baby, no, I told you forever ago, I'm never going to hit you. I don't want to hurt you. No matter what you do, that's not how this works. That's not who I am or who I want to be."
"I don't mean hit me like that. I mean, I saw … Amy hit Jake. After the basketball game."
Connor let go of Jude's hand to curl up on his end of the couch. When he pulled the plaid blanket around him, Jude felt like hanging his head. Instead, he took a seat on the far end of the couch and carefully asked, "How did she hit him?"
"Gently. She didn't want to hurt him. I could tell that she didn't want to hurt him. They were laughing and she gave his shoulder a shove and his other shoulder hit the wall and he wasn't upset. He was still laughing and she was still laughing. That happens in friends, doesn't it? Relationships too? Have you ever hit Taylor like that?"
"Oh. I, um, I don't think of that as hitting her, though. Like, if she came up to me and said someone had hit her, that's not what I'd think of. Hitting someone sounds like something negative."
"It bothered me to watch it either way," Connor confessed. "I didn't eat dinner with them. I left early. I told them I didn't feel good. I didn't want to lie to Jake or Amy. I think he's my friend now, and she seems really nice. But I did feel a little sick about what I'd seen because I didn't really understand. I don't see how that could happen to someone and then they come back laughing. But my thoughts and what I went through are only mine and it's not what anyone else has gone through. I need to remember that."
Jude propped his elbow against the back of the couch and then leant on his hand. "That kind of sounds like a therapy line."
"Kind of," Connor said. "Paraphrased, but same idea. It's just one of those things that I should know. That before my ex, I probably did know. I know I goofed off with friends and we definitely shoved each other and definitely crossed lines that I'd freak out at now. I just … don't want that sort of interaction to be something I don't know or something that I'm confused by because it's normal. But normal gets hard and confusing and I hate that it does and …" Connor stopped, frustrated, and hid his face under the blanket. Jude barely caught his lament of, "I want to be different."
"You're perfect the way you are."
Connor peeked one eye out of the blanket. "Please don't lie to me."
"That's a fair request," Jude said. "Okay. For your own mental health and well-being, yes, there are things that you need to work on, but you don't need to be an entirely new person. I like you for who you are."
"Does that mean you won't like me as much when I start getting better? That'll make me change."
"Baby, that's not what I meant." Jude gently tugged at the side of the blanket. "And I think you know that's not what I meant."
"I know. I'm sorry. It was just a thought that I had. I thought that I should say it. I want to share with you, even when they're not very good thoughts."
"Are you okay?"
"I think I will be." Connor shifted. "I'm sorry I'm like this."
"You don't need to be sorry. I like you."
Connor opened the side of the blanket and took Jude's hand. He pulled a little on Jude's hand, and Jude sidled closer and closer, until they were huddled under the blanket together. Connor leant his forehead against the top of Jude's. Jude tilted his head up, and Connor looked down at him. There was an odd look in Jude's eye that he didn't totally understand. It was a new expression, but it didn't look like a bad expression. Connor reached up his hand and ran it through Jude's hair, and Jude smiled at him. Connor touched the pad of his thumb to Jude's lips, tracing his way across the feature.
"Can I ask what you're thinking?"
"I love your eyes," Jude murmured, and Connor's heart skipped a beat.
Jude had said it before. It was always his eyes, but Connor's heart still felt strange when Jude started off with the word 'love'. Jude meant it innocently. Connor was confident of that, but love never worked out. That being said, Connor was discovering that he had a selfish side. He liked that Jude would compliment him and look at him like that. He liked the way that he felt with Jude and he liked the way that Jude was with him. He liked the way that Jude was.
"You want to know something?" Jude asked.
"Always."
"My moms, even before they met you, asked if I was going to bring you home for my birthday."
"Really?"
"Really. I mean, it was right before I took you home, but before they knew I was bringing you with me to dinner at all and … I don't know. I just thought you'd want to know that."
"I like to know things. I like that you tell me things. I … I … I like that you kiss me too," Connor murmured.
"Kiss you like this?" Jude asked, and his lips caught the underside of Connor's chin. "Or like this?" He kissed Connor's cheek.
And Connor laughed, because it was sweet and innocent, and it encompassed all of the things that he liked about being with Jude. Connor dipped his head and kissed Jude's lips. Jude kissed him softly, sliding one hand along his ribs, underneath his button-up. Jude's hands were so warm and Connor didn't think that he'd ever be able to settle into being touched so casually and easily. He didn't think he'd get used to the way he felt when Jude touched him, because it was Jude touching him and that meant a little something more to him. When Jude's lips left his, Jude kissed him on the tip of his nose.
"Can we procrastinate on studying?" Jude asked.
Connor nodded. It was still fairly early afternoon and, really, whenever he went over to Jude's, he never planned on a small, short visit. He liked the way that day would turn into night while they watched movies and read their books. He liked the way their conversations would stretch into one topic and then, so much later, circle back into a previous one.
"Want some ice-cream?" Jude asked. "Taylor left some here."
"Yeah, that sounds really good. Thank you."
Jude put the remote in Connor's hand and told him to find something to watch. Connor found one of the reality shows that they usually didn't mind talking over. He wanted to know more about Jude's weekend. He wanted to hear Jude talk.
Jude came back with two spoons and a small carton of ice-cream. "What are we watching?"
"Another tattoo show."
"The competition one or the one where they fix bad tattoos?"
"Neither. I found another one."
"Impressive." Jude put the ice-cream and spoons down on the coffee table and then he sat down. "Are you going to cuddle me?"
Connor nodded. "I'm sorry I'm a little off today."
Had he said that already? He wasn't sure. But he thought that he should say it again. Jude just smiled at him, and it was more reassuring than anything that he could have said. Connor opened the blanket and Jude snuggled in. It took a moment for them to find a comfortable position, and the quick movement of limbs teetered on the edge of being a little too much, but Jude was laughing as he ended up half-tucked onto Connor's lap.
"Is this okay? I don't want to squish you."
"You're not that heavy," Connor promised.
"Good." Jude grabbed the ice-cream off the coffee table and grabbed their spoons. He handed Connor one with a flourish. "Bon apetit, baby."
"Shouldn't you say 'baby' in French too, then?"
"But I don't know it," Jude said, already reaching for his phone to search for an answer. A few seconds later, he said, "Bon apetit, bébé."
"I … I don't think that's what a French accent sounds like."
Jude shrugged. "What am I supposed to know? I never took French." He popped the top of the container. "First bite's yours."
"Thank you."
Jude folded his knees a little more so that they were tucked closer to Connor's chest. There was half a container of ice-cream left and the two of them finished it fairly quickly. When it was done, Jude lifted Connor's arm, and tucked himself under it. Gently, Connor rubbed Jude's shoulder, the tips of his fingers sliding underneath of Jude's t-shirt sleeve. Jude's skin was soft and warm, and, as Jude rested his head on Connor's shoulder, Connor rested his head on Jude's. This time last year, Connor would never have believed that he would be in the arms of another man or that he would ever feel so comfortable in someone's arms at all. He didn't have to think about anything like where his hands were and he didn't have to be hyper aware of what the other person wanted, even more than he was aware of what he wanted himself. He knew that Jude was as happy in this moment as he was, and Connor could relax.
Jude tapped at his chest and Connor's eyes stopped lazily drifting shut. Jude wasn't close enough to his neck or face that Connor was about to panic, but Jude was high enough on his torso that he needed to be aware of where Jude's fingers were heading. Jude kept touching the same area, and finally Connor frowned.
"What is it?"
"Oh. I can see the scar on your collarbone when we're like this," Jude confessed, "and I was just trying to figure out where it ended."
"You could have asked."
"I should've," Jude agreed.
Connor picked up Jude's hand in his own, letting his fit the shape of Jude's. He laid his palm against the back of Jude's hand and made sure their fingers could take the same position. He tucked down all of Jude's fingers but his index finger, which Connor made sure that Jude would let him control. Jude let Connor guide him, and Connor tilted his neck to make sure their joined fingers couldn't touch it. Then, he started at the top of his scar that cut down across his collarbone and almost reached his left nipple. The start of the cut was deeper than the bottom of it; there was thicker scar tissue on his collarbone than further down his chest. In fact, the visible scar didn't reach as far as the actual wound had. Connor found himself tracing the original wound. He didn't know why he thought Jude should know. He doubted Jude would ever see him shirtless and, if he did, he didn't think Jude would notice the barely half-inch difference. But he took Jude's hand all the way down, and then he twisted their hands so that they were holding one another. Their joined hands rested against Jude's thigh, and Connor waited for a reaction.
Jude gently bent his head and kissed Connor's chest near the middle of the scar. Overwhelmed, Connor drew Jude further into his arms. Jude settled into Connor's lap and rested his head on his chest. Connor had never realized that Jude could feel so small and he tightened his arms. He always worried about sharing his past. He always worried that something would be the breaking point.
"Jude?"
"Connor?"
"Is that okay?"
"Yeah."
Jude shifted in his grasp and Connor found himself clinging tightly to Jude. Jude sounded subdued; the way that Connor usually imagined that he sounded when things were weighing on his mind. He was relieved when he didn't have to prompt Jude for more answers.
"How many more hurts do you have?" Jude asked. "You don't have to tell me the whys or the stories or show me or anything like that. Just … how much is there?"
"How much is too much?"
Jude looked up at him, and his brown eyes were so warm that Connor had to press their foreheads together to avoid becoming overwhelmed. "I don't think there is a too much. I just want to know. Is that wrong?"
"No," Connor admitted, though he felt as if there were something stuck in his throat as he did. "Um. Can you sit up?"
Jude did immediately, without asking questions, but he turned to face Connor on the couch.
"Can I, um, move you?"
"Yeah, of course."
Connor placed one of Jude's hands on Jude's own thigh, just to guarantee that it wouldn't move. Then, he picked up Jude's other hand in his own. He started with the scars that Jude already knew about, and he touched Jude's index fingers lightly to the tops of his thighs over his jeans.
"The cigarette burns here." Up along the scars on his forearms. "The burner and the other one." A gentle touch to the edge of his collar bone. Then, he touched a few more places along his torso and his abdomen, then, he traced the large mess of scar tissue on his ribs. "Those are all from the same thing."
"That one's big," Jude said.
Connor nodded. "Maybe I'll tell you that story someday. But not yet. I'm not ready."
"That's okay. Is there anything else?"
Connor moved closer to the middle of the couch and his knee pressed against Jude's. He wound their hands so that they were touching the middle of his spine.
"I don't know exactly where they are on my back. They're small. Sometimes, when he got mad, not like really mad, just a little mad, he would throw things at me, like glasses or a beer bottle or something and it would break against my back. Sometimes I would get glass stuck in them."
Jude flattened his hand out and ran it over the entirety of Connor's back. Connor trembled.
"I'm sorry, Jude."
"What do you have to be sorry for?"
Connor blinked and opened his mouth, thinking of how sorry he was for even existing the way that he did. Instead, he frowned. "I … I'm not sure." He looked to Jude's facial expression, thinking that there would be something there that would help guide him. "I'm not sure I have anything to apologize for this time?"
Jude nodded and Connor sagged in relief. He didn't want to be wrong; not at all. Jude moved to snuggle up to Connor again, and Connor gladly let Jude back into his arms. Jude curled back up in his lap and Connor secured his arms around his boyfriend.
"Your heart just picked up speed," Jude murmured. "What are you thinking?"
"I was thinking of you as my boyfriend."
"And it made your heart beat that fast?"
Connor brushed his hand through Jude's hair. "In a good way."
"Can I say something without you thinking that you're doing something wrong or that you need to change what you're doing?"
"Yeah …" Connor said apprehensively. Anything could come out of Jude's mouth right now.
"I'm surprised you're letting me on you like this. I like it and I'm comfy. I just thought out would be too much for you for me to be on top of you like this."
"I keep thinking it should be," Connor admitted shakily. "But you're not trying to squish me or get the other hand. You're just here with me and it's nice. Like … L-l-like this is how boyfriends should be."
Jude seemed to curl up even smaller. "Your heart sped up again."
Connor kissed the top of Jude's head and pulled the blanket up around them.
"We'll do the readings soon," Jude promised.
"I know we will."
Like with everything else, Connor trusted Jude on that too.
(-.-)
"Try this," Connor said, holding out a fork to Jude.
Jude opened his mouth and let Connor feed him one of the homemade fries that he'd made.
"I'm not sure about the seasoning," Connor said anxiously.
Jude covered his mouth with his hand. "It's really hot."
"Like spicy? I didn't put anything spicy on it."
Jude laughed, swallowing the fry. "Baby, it just came out of the oven."
"Oh! It didn't burn you, did it?" Connor swept across the kitchen to where Jude was sitting on the counter. He gently took Jude's face in his hands, turning it toward the light. "Your lips look okay. I'm sorry, I didn't think."
"Maybe you should check if my lips are okay," Jude said. He wasn't sure if Connor would pick up on the hint or not, but he did, and Connor kissed him gently. "Are you sure that was good enough to know for sure?"
Connor rested his hands against Jude's waist and Jude let his hands curl around Connor's forearms. "But were my fries okay?"
Jude almost laughed, but he knew how serious Connor was about his cooking. "They were perfect."
"You're not just saying that because you like me, are you?"
"No," Jude swore.
So Connor kissed him again, this time deeper and fuller. The entire time that Connor's lips were on his, though, Jude's brain was tripping around the word like and the word love. He hadn't tried to think about Taylor's implication that he loved Connor or his own drunken admission of the same thing. But completely sober Jude, awake and aware of what was going on, had to admit that he was falling quick and fast. He wouldn't say he was in love with the boy in front of him yet, his own logical brain carefully keeping track of how long they had known one another, but Jude knew he wouldn't be able to fight that feeling completely for long. Logic be damned.
Connor let go of him to flip the grilled cheese sandwiches that he had going in the frying pan.
"So, what do you think of the fact that, this time next month, we'll be all done with first term?" Jude asked.
"Oh. I don't know. Starting new classes will be intimidating, but that's just because I'm so comfortable with how things are now. But starting second term can't be as terrifying as starting second term."
"How'd you survive it?" Jude hadn't meant for the question to slip out. But knowing Connor as he did now, he couldn't imagine Connor taking himself away from his father, transplanting himself in a large university, and starting crowded classes where he knew no one.
Connor took the sandwiches out of the pan and placed them on a plate. He reached out a hand and their fingers intertwined. "I met you, Jude."
Jude pulled Connor toward him and kissed him.
"I'm really glad I know you, Jude."
"I'm really glad I know you too, baby."
Connor bit his lip, and then he leant forward and he kissed Jude again. Jude put his hands on Connor's waist, letting one wander toward Connor's abdomen. He knew that there was a scar there now. More than that, though, he was focused on the muscles that were in sharp focus when he laid his hand there, and that was all that Jude could think of as Connor kissed him one more time.
"I don't want the food to get cold."
Food. Right. Jude wasn't really thinking about food, but Connor turned to dish fries onto their plates and Jude hopped from the counter.
"Thank you for cooking, baby."
"Thank you for having all the ingredients," Connor replied.
Jude grinned and, after they took their stools, he couldn't resist leaning over and kissing Connor's cheek once more.
The chapter's title is after the song Heart Of Gold by Birdy. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~