A/N: Getting close... only 15 left?
Chapter 33
The Funeral
Edward's POV
By the time when we were assembled ready to get into the cars to go to Kel's funeral the next day, Bella was worse.
She looked so fucking beautiful that it almost floored me, but at the same time she was ... blank. Where ever the hell she was it wasn't with any of us, and definitely not with me.
Nummi held steadfast to her hand; though, she was obviously struggling with her own grief, and for a moment I couldn't tell who looked more fucked up. Her or Bella. Rach had hidden herself behind a large pair of black sunglasses that covered half of her face, but she was fooling no one.
The overall air was so heavy that I was beginning to feel really fucking impacted by it.
Alice and I rode to the church with John, and inside we took our seats with Nummi's family; sitting a couple of rows back from the white coffin and the photo of the pretty, smiling blond girl who I somehow felt I knew.
The coffin was closed.
Bella sat almost directly in front of me with Kel's family, beside Kel's mother, with Nummi and Rach, her head lowered and her shoulders drawn. It was all I could do not to reach out and squeeze her shoulder—something, to let her know that I was still here.
Freaking Alice must have been reading me, because just before the impulse struck me, she grabbed my hand and forced it back to my lap. When I turned to scowl at the little rat, the sheer fucked up expression on her face caused me to pause.
It wasn't the first time I'd seen that look on her face.
Sighing, I only squeezed her hand and let it go.
The priest began the sermon, before members of Kel's family rose to speak. By this time I was beginning to fucking struggle. The last funeral I had been to was my father's; it was bringing it all back, and it didn't fucking help that beside me Alice was openly bawling.
Afteer, Bella, Rach and Nummi stood up. Rach and Nummi spoke first, reading out a sad, but light-hearted poem that almost brought out laughter from inside the church. Bella stood fractionally behind them, before she took the podium. For a moment she just stood there, eventually catching my gaze, before she cleared her throat softly and looked down, unfolding a small piece of paper she was holding.
Then taking a heavy breath, she began; her voice wavering and completely fucking heart wrenching:
"My life goes on without you,
but nothing is the same.
I have to hide my heartbreak,
when someone speaks your name.
Sad are the hearts that love you,
silent are the tears that fall,
but living each day without you,
is the hardest part of all.
You did so many things for me,
your heart was kind and true.
And when I needed someone,
I could always count on you.
You made me laugh, you dried my tears,
you gave me courage to make me see.
But I never got to say goodbye,
or tell you what you mean to me.
The years with you will never return,
when it was the four of us together
But, Kel, I swear..."
She faltered, her voice finally breaking, and for a moment she paused, fighting back the tears, when she'd done so bravely up until that point that a part of me wanted to cry for her. In fact, the pressure building in my throat was almost fucking overwhelming me.
Taking another shaky breath in, she pushed through it, her voice a broken, barely audible whisper:
"But Kel, I swear, I will never forget you.
You will live in my heart forever."
And right then she shredded me.
Clearing my throat, I creased my brow heavily to stop myself from losing it, because seeing Bella so broken—in so much pain—was fucking crippling me.
Beside me, the little rat hugged me, as I pressed the heel of my palm into my eyes, struggling to hold it together.
When I looked back up and over at Bella again, confident that I didn't look too fucking distraught, she was being hugged by Nummi and Rach who were completely inconsolable. But Bella wasn't crying like I expected her to be; she had reverted back to that numb, fucking hollow shell.
She took her seat again, her eyes fixed to the floor, as Kel's mother embraced her. Bella raised her hands and placed them around her, but she seemed to be on autopilot, mechanical, and completely detached.
The next event was a slide show of photos of Kel throughout her life to the most hauntingly fucking saddest song I'd ever heard.
Glancing down at the program I had been clutching tightly, I read it: In The Arms Of An Angel, by Sarah Mclaughlin.
Bella was in a lot of the pictures that came on the screen; the same photos I'd seen a few days before on that fucked up day she ran into her mother. And like those, she rarely smiled, looking almost like a ghost who was never meant to be in the photos at all. It made my emotions reverse in an instant. I was fucking pissed off, and with resolve pushing its way to the front of my thoughts, I silently vowed that I would get through to her.
I wouldn't let her be a fucking ghost any more.
But first I had to crack through that shell of hers, and then make her cry, because I knew what it was doing to her while she was holding it in. I'd been there before, and it wasn't a good fucking place to be.
The service ended and we made our way to the cemetery. Only a handful of people were there that I felt out of place. I kept Alice and I a respectable distance away, watching as Bella dropped a rose on top of the coffin as it was lowered. Outwardly, she seemed in complete control, but I knew behind her eyes—behind those fucked up haunted eyes of hers—was emptiness.
. . .
The wake was held at Kel's parent's house, with me and Alice quickly becoming an attraction for the locals.
Small fucking towns…
A few approached me and asked who I was—immediately curious by my obvious non-Australian accent. When I replied that I was Bella's boyfriend this seemed to interest them more. Not that I knew what the fuck we really were. Luckily, after the torture of explaining the mechanics of me and Bella to a couple of people who mistook my fucking accent as hearing loss—raising their voices as if they were fucking talking to a geriatric in a nursing home—Mick rescued me with the offer of a tinnie with him, shortly after.
Jesus.
These Australians really had a multitude of ways of saying beer. It was no wonder they were so fond of the stuff.
In any sense, it kept me distracted from Bella. I hadn't seen her since we'd arrived, and it was making me uneasy for her. I couldn't drink this shit, until I made sure she was okay—in the barest fucking sense of the word, at least.
Clutching a can of VB and telling Mick I'd be back, I went in search for her. I eventually tracked her down out in the rear paddocks, feeding a handful of grass to a white horse.
I approached her apprehensively, but she didn't appear to have heard me until she realized I was beside her—when she practically jumped out of her skin.
"Bella..." I began gently, but with uncertainty, because I really had no fucking idea what to say to her, so I just left it unspoken.
She only sighed deeply and dropped her head to the ground momentarily before she turned to me. When she met my gaze again, I realized that I didn't know this girl—this Bella who grew up on the other side of the world from me. All the pens and every Bio class with her—even Prom—meant shit. She'd kept me out deliberately, and now I knew why.
"Edward, can we talk about this later?" she asked, dropping her eyes from me to the ground again, but I knew she had no intention of having any "later" with me.
"Sure," I mumbled in resignation, shoving my hands in my pockets and shrugging, and with that she turned away and walked back inside.
Well, I'd done what I'd intended to do; I found out she was okay—even if it was the last fucking thing she was.
Inhaling a huge breath, I let it out with complete frustration. "What the fuck am I supposed to do with you, Bella?" I muttered to myself, before returning to the house, well behind her.
On my way back to what I was sure was another round of beer drinking with Mick, John or Chris, Rach intercepted me.
"Did she talk to you, Edward?" she asked, her voice rising with hope.
I shook my head, and she huffed impatiently.
"I'm getting fed up with this," she grumbled, before turning and disappearing into the crowds.
I drank two beers with Mick before giving up the charade and getting a can of coke on the third round—as much as I wanted to bury my sorrows and pass out.
I continued to keep an eye out for Bella; she stayed with Nummi and Alice for the most part. She talked, she ate, she even managed to smile from time to time, but the more I watched her the more it became obvious that she was withdrawing further and further away. It made me feel so fucking edgy that I ended up stiff and aching—and fucking exhausted.
Towards the end of the day, when the house began emptying, Rach approached me. Sitting on the sofa beside me, she handed me a can of coke without saying a word. I took it, flashing her a semi-curious grin, and when she returned it, all she managed was a pissed off, troubled kind of smirk.
"Are you okay, Rach?" I asked her dubiously.
She huffed sharply. "I'm going to have to do something drastic with Bella. I'm just letting you know," she finally confessed.
"What do you mean?" I asked her, my brow etching.
She shook her head to herself suddenly, before abruptly standing up; grabbing my hand as she went. Dragging me behind her, she walked straight up to Bella, and immediately my heart fucking stalled.
Releasing my hand, Rach then grabbed Bella's. "Nums, you take Edward and Alice back home. Bella and I are gonna go out for a bit."
Bella immediately opened her mouth to protest, but Rach cut her off sharply, "You have no say in this, Bells, sorry."
"Where are you going?" Nummi asked Rach as Bella threw me a scornful fucking glare; as though I had something to do with it.
I shook my head to her, conveying that I was just as confused as she was, but she wasn't buying it. But then when did Bella ever buy into my crap?
"Just out. We won't be long," Rach answered simply, before turning to look down at Bella. "Come on, Bells. We'll stop off and get changed first."
And with that she dragged a reluctant, grumbling Bella away.
"Bloody hell..." Nummi whispered to herself, reaching up to rub her forehead before her eyes turned to me. "What's going on, Edward?"
I shook my head and shrugged, raising my hands simultaneously. "I have no idea. Honestly."
"Where do you think they're going?" Alice asked her, her eyes turning from Nummi to meet mine, fucking suspiciously.
"Jesus, Alice, I said I didn't know anything!" I burst, rolling my eyes blatantly at the little rat.
Nummi's gaze centered on me for a moment before she shook her head. "When Rach gets an idea in her head..." she left it unfinished as a worried look began working its way into her expression.
My heart started thudding. I wasn't sure why I felt nervous, but I did, and the look on Nummi's face did nothing to relieve it.
"I guess it's time we left anyway," she mumbled.
Kel's mother hugged Alice and I as we said our goodbyes, whispering an emotionally fucking charged, "Look after her," in my ear before she released me.
I nodded awkwardly, finding her pain practically unbearable—almost fucking cowering from it. I knew that look in her eyes; I'd seen it before, and the last thing I wanted to do was relive it. But I also knew exactly what Bella was going through; how much she was hurting, and how much it fucking hurt me to witness it.
. . .
Nummi didn't say much on the way home; in fact, she was quiet most of the afternoon and into the night as we waited for Rach and Bella to return. At midnight, with still no sign of them, we made the pretense of going to bed; though, there wasn't a chance any of us would be sleeping.
I had a shower, taking my time, and before I made my way back to the kid's room, I knocked apprehensively on Nummi's bedroom door.
"They're not back yet, Edward," Alice answered.
I only sighed, feeling fucking deflated.
They finally arrived about thirty minutes later; Rach's car coming to a skid in the gravel driveway just outside the kid's bedroom window. I was so fucking relieved, I sat immediately up in bed, reefing my hand back through my hair, just as I paused.
What I was hearing didn't quite register with me. I only sat in fucking confusion, feeling my brow crease heavily, at the sound of Bella ... laughing. Not just laughing, but really cracking up, followed by the sound of Rach's voice; her tone bemused, but slightly stern—as though she were talking to a kid.
As they approached my door their voices became louder. Bella was giggling—it still sounded fucking odd to me, while the reason behind it was still lost on me.
Just as they were passing my door, and while I debated with myself whether to open it and find out what the fuck was going on, Bella suddenly burst through it.
"EDWARD!" she exclaimed, and promptly threw herself into my arms.
Fuck me, she was drunk. Not just drunk, but completely fucking wasted. The smell of alcohol on her almost knocked me out the moment she came through the door; it was reeking from her.
"Jesus, Rach!" I exclaimed, fucking exasperated.
She only smiled back, looking remorseful and guilty. "She hasn't let it go yet, but it's only a matter of minutes now, I reckon."
Suddenly pulling herself from my arms, Bella grabbed both my hands.
"You right with her?" Rach asked me.
"Yeah," I replied over my shoulder, flashing her a quick understanding smile, as Bella dragged me further into the room.
"Come here, Edward—I gotta show ya something?" Bella said almost maniacally before suddenly jumping up onto the bed, clumsily, and almost losing her footing.
I sprang up after her; to stop her going backwards off the bed and breaking her neck.
She was giggling again, before she began pulling her sweater awkwardly over her head.
"Erm ... Bella..." I mumbled, unsure what the hell I was supposed to do with her, before she managed to pull it off, throwing it to the floor.
I immediately groaned beneath my breath; she was wearing a tight fitting, grey singlet top underneath that was so sheer that it was practically transparent. Then she began inching that upwards, exposing her entire stomach and her—
"Do you like it?" she asked, biting her lip, her eyes wide and bright.
She had her belly button pierced, and fuck—was it wrong of me to think it was hot?
"Umm, it's—" I began, feeling a surge of heat flood my veins, before Bella grabbed both my hands and placed them over top of the sexy as all hell piercing.
"Feel it—it doesn't even hurt!"
Her skin was sultry warm and soft, and through it I could feel her abdominal muscles twitch from my hands. She might have been completely hammered, but it was right about then that every primal instinct I'd ever had for Bella awoke and came out to play.
It didn't help that right then she grabbed me by the waist band of my pajama pants and pulled me flush against her.
Of course, with my brain and my dick now working against me, I instinctively reacted to her, pressing completely unrestrained in my flannel pants into her lower abdomen.
She pulled back and gazed up at me, an eyebrow cocked, her eyes twinkling, looking fucking devious. "Well, hello, Daddy!"
"Bell—" I began, when she suddenly smashed her lips against mine, and ironically my stomach immediately churned; I could taste the metallic of the hard liquor on them.
I pulled her back gently; she was smiling drunkenly, swaying a little, before reacting by wrapping her arms around my neck and running her fingers through my hair.
"Edward?" she whispered, her hot, vodka laced breath washing over my ear, just as another insurgence of desire burned through me.
"Bella?" I teased her, by mocking her tone in an attempt to pull myself out of it.
Naturally, Bella as drunk as she was, didn't catch on.
"I want to see if you really do have a big pen."
Oh, Jesus!
"Show me?" she continued to half speak, half slur. Her lips brushed my ear lobe before she gazed up at me through her eyelashes in a way that was completely too erotic for someone so fucking wasted.
"How about we get you some coffee?" I cleared my throat, seriously needing to slap myself together.
"Hmmmm," she hummed as though she was contemplating it. "Nope." And with that she inched her fingers under the waist band of my pajama pants, almost coming into direct contact with me, before I quickly pulled her hands free.
"Oh, God, Bella..." I groaned, bringing her hands up to my lips. "You can't do that…"
She just stared up at me, her eyes widening. "I can't…?"
I opened my mouth to speak, when she once more merged her lips with mine, and for a brief moment all my will power practically came crashing down upon her.
"Bella?" I mumbled with her mouth still pressed against mine, before gently pulling her back and sighing. My fucking dick was beginning to feel bi-polar. "You have no idea how much I want you to, but I can't in all honesty take advantage of you like this."
She wasn't listening; her mouth was curved into a drunken smile, while her eyes zeroed in on my lips as I spoke. "Oh ... Edward. Always thinking too much. Way, way, waaaaay too much."
I only scoffed softly, grinning to myself, because as drunk as she was, she was still seeing through me, and that alone was making me ten times hornier than her wanting to play with my big pen.
Wrapping my arm around her waist, I carefully helped her down off the bed. "Come on, beautiful. We're going to get a lot of coffee into you."
Shaking her head, she pushed away from me, staggering a little, before I reached out to immediately steady her.
"Noooo. No coffee, Ed—" she hiccuped, "—wud. I want you to take ad-vantage of me." She swayed, smiling up at me slyly again.
"Coffee first, then I'll take advantage of you, okay?"
She shook her head again, placing both her hands on my chest to stop me. "Just talk to me for a while ... kay?"
"What do you want to talk about?" I asked her, reaching out to tuck a long strand of her wavy hair behind her ear, my voice dropping too soft.
I was one sick, horny bastard!
"I want to talk 'bout how much of a spunk you are!" She grabbed my hands, before stepping closer to me and angling her face to mine. "And how when you take your clothes off in Bio it drives me crazy." Her voice lowered, but her words were slurring more and more. "And how when you talk, I don't hear nuthin' else ... and when you touch me," she paused and placed both my hands on her upper sides, so that my thumbs were covering the soft, fleshy skin of her breasts, "I don't feel nuthin' else."
Jesus, I was in trouble!
She staggered against me and for a minute was still.
Taking a long breath, and removing my hands from groping her, I wrapped them around her almost holding her up against me. Then suddenly she had a burst of energy and pushed back off me again.
"You want me to take my clothes off for you, Ed—wud?" And before I could answer she was pulling down her jeans and staggering around trying to get her shoes off.
"No-no-no, Bella. I'll take a rain check—oh shit!"
She'd collapsed on the floor, laughing to herself, her jeans around her ankles.
"Fuck me sideways," I muttered to myself, before kneeling down, and grabbing her under her arms, I helped her up.
She was a lot fucking heavier than she looked.
"Take my shoes off for me, Edward." She sighed a short huff of alcohol-scented air. "I'm hot!"
She was. She seemed to have a fire burning beneath her skin, traveling straight to her chest and burning in her cheeks, and it was fucking ridiculous how appealing it made her.
I sat her carefully on the edge of the bed, forcing my eyes from the fact that she was barely clothed and wearing only her underwear and a sheer material singlet thing that revealed her tits.
While I struggled to untie her shoes, my hands sweaty and freaking shaking, she bent closer to me, leaned her elbows on my shoulders, and ran her fingers absently through my hair. Then suddenly, just as I was about to lose all self-control, she flopped back against the bed and placed her hands over her eyes.
I managed to untie her shoes, before I took her jeans completely off. In my defense it was easier than trying to pull them back up, and I already had a fucking boner by that point anyway.
"Okay, coffee," I said, speaking to her sternly, my brow raising as I looked into her eyes. They were bright, shining and completely alive. So completely the opposite from Bella that afternoon.
Maybe what Rach had done by getting her drunk was a positive—if I could get her to talk before she passed out cold, that is.
I pulled her gently to her feet again, where she all but collapsed against my side and hiccupped again. "Yes, Dad."
Just as I turned her toward the door, it opened and Nummi poked her head apprehensively into the room. The moment Bella noticed her, she pulled from my arms in another sudden burst of energy.
"NUMMI!" she squealed out, making the stunned expression on Nummi's face almost comical before she rammed into her, almost barreling her over.
"Ah ... Bells?" Nummi asked after she righted the two of them. "What have you been up to?"
"Well ... as my very classy mother would say, I'm pissed!" Was Bella's response, giggling again and breaking off to hiccup.
"That's a little obvious," Nummi replied trying to suppress her smile. "Where are your clothes, babe?"
"I was hot," Bella replied with a wave of her hand before she turned her eyes to me and her grin turned sly again. "Besides, Edward's going to get his groove on with me"—she spoke in an American accent, and was completely fucking convincing—"with his big pen."
Oh, fuck!
And suddenly Nummi was quirking a suspicious eyebrow at me.
I shook my head—probably too anxiously, which no doubt only made me look even guiltier.
"And he takes his clothes off every day for me just so I can majorly perv on him," Bella continued on, before turning to flash me a completely fucking devious grin, and fuck it, I couldn't help it; I returned it.
"Um ... Bells?" Nummi began, obviously attempting to be gentle, but all but bursting into laughter. "Remember the time Rach got drunk and she made a total dag of herself? That's you right now, babe."
"Huh?" Bella screwed her face up and stared at Nummi as if she was insane. "I'm not drunk ... am—am I?" she glanced at me suddenly looking uncertain.
"Just a bit, sweetie," I answered her, gently.
She sighed, her face suddenly falling, her shoulders slumping. "I guess it's official then. I have turned into my mother."
"Bells, you couldn't turn into your mother even if you were trying, and if you ever say that to me again, I'll slap it out of you," Nummi replied, only sounding half teasing.
I sighed and rubbed the back of my head. "Look, I've got her, Nummi. You go to bed. You look pretty hammered."
Nummi looked at me seeming in contemplation for a moment. "Are you sure?"
I nodded. "Trust me, I've got it."
Her eyes flickered to Bella then back to me; her lips suddenly twitching. "Okay, but I reckon you've got about ... ten seconds to get her to the bathroom."
Right at that moment Bella moaned softly and slumped up against the wall, her face white as a sheet, her arms wrapping around her stomach. "Oh, God ... I don't feel—"
"Oh, crap!" I muttered.
Grabbing her by the waist, probably too roughly, I half dragged, half carried her into the bathroom, all but running and getting her to the toilet without an inch to spare before she threw up—what was mostly fluid.
Grabbing her hair out of her face, I held it back as she repeatedly heaved her stomach up—while I flinched along with her. It was completely fucked up, but after three or four rounds of it, she stopped for a minute and slumped over the toilet, whimpering.
"Edward!" she suddenly exclaimed, half sobbing, her voice hoarse and echoing pitifully into the ceramic bowl that she was gripping the sides of. "Get out of here!"
"Sorry, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere," I replied stubbornly, but fuck it, she wasn't pushing me away this time.
She looked like she wanted to push it, but instead, went into another session of throwing up; her body jerking each time her stomach lunged.
Cringing through it, I rubbed her back, keeping my other hand fastened around her hair, away from her face.
Her skin was burning and everywhere beads of perspiration were breaking out across her body, until they became droplets running down her. Down her arms; her bare legs; her chest, until every square inch of her body was literally wet and glistening.
And still she continued to throw up.
Just when I was beginning to worry that it was too much, contemplating the thought of calling Alice, she finally stopped.
Gripping the rim of the toilet bowl rigidly, she slumped to the side of it, whimpering. I moved forward hastily, flushing it, before wrapping my arms around her, supporting her weight; surprised by the heat that was coming off her.
She only sobbed weakly and with complete self-pity.
"You're okay," I murmured gently to her, pressing my lips to the side of her damp head.
She was really burning up.
Looking over my shoulder, I quickly searched the bathroom for something to cool her down with; spotting a flannel dangling over the basin. Leaving her for no longer than ten seconds, I grabbed it and soaked it under the cold water, then kneeling back behind her again, I carefully moved her hair and placed it against the back of her neck. She shuddered lightly before pushing herself weakly away from the toilet. With my arm still wrapped around her waist, I pulled her back against me, supporting her, before she all but collapsed unconscious against my chest, whimpering again.
"Feel better?" I asked her softly, my nose grazing her burning earlobe.
She nodded, it was a slow, sluggish motion before she let her head slide sideways, closing her eyes. Her forehead was creased and she was tense in my arms, and completely on fire.
I wiped the damp flannel across her forehead and cheeks before squeezing it against her parted lips. She swallowed, her forehead puckering, before she released her breath in a gush and seemed to relax a fraction.
Placing the flannel back against her neck, I squeezed more water from it. It made her flinch, before she grabbed my arm—the one I held around her. For a moment, I thought she was going to pull away from me, but instead she gripped it tightly with both her hands and softly moaned.
Kissing her forehead, gently, I rested my lips against her for a moment longer, exhaling deeply through my nose, and closing my eyes.
This girl was going to be the fucking end of me.
In the next moment she fell silent, completely out cold; the only noise in the room was the heavy sound of her breathing
I circled my other arm around her, careful not to disturb her. I could feel her temple pounding; in fact, I could feel her pulse racing through every pore of her skin, and she continued to almost literally pour with water.
Beads of sweat trickled from the back of her neck down between her breasts, making the singlet top she was wearing so damp that it was plastered to her. And fuck me, it was almost erotic; despite the fact that she was passed out drunk in my arms. I was having a hard time talking myself down, but she was lying practically naked against me.
It was only a few minutes later when she stirred, and seemed to just gaze blankly around the room, before she tilted her head to look up at me—almost as if she was checking that I was still there.
As her eyes met mine, I flashed her a quick grin, before a faint smile appeared on her face; almost turning wry.
"I really am going to have to kill you now, Edward..." she mumbled. Her voice was still hoarse and weak, but it almost sounded shrewd; almost like my old Bella.
I laughed softly. "Why is that?"
"Because ... you've seem me ... like this," she answered, taking a long weary breath.
I sighed and rested my lips on top of her head for a moment. "Bella," I began, shifting her gently so that she sat a little more upright and completely against me, "this was me just a few months ago, remember? Only, I had Jazz with me." I paused, cleared my throat, and lowering my voice, I did my best Jazz impersonation, "If you puke over me, douche-bag, I'll cork your mouth up with your balls."
She immediately broke into soft, hoarse-sounding laughter, as her back jerked lightly against my chest.
"Have you noticed Jazz has a serious preoccupation with his balls?"
She shook her head, continuing to almost silently laugh.
I chuckled with her, kissing her briefly against her cheek; her skin was still damp and salty. "I swear, every second thing he says is balls." I did my Jazmina impersonation again. "Dude, your balls are in Bella's handbag; Alice will rip my balls off; Rose will wear my balls as earrings. Balls, balls, balls, freaking balls."
Her laughter increased, so much so that she tensed and became breathless with it.
Bending my lips to her ear, I said softly, "You have to promise not to tell Alice on me, okay?"
Her back continued to shake against my chest, but as I tightened my arms around her, I instantly noticed the change in her; she was rigid.
After expelling a long, shuddering breath, she drew in another one sharply, and it immediately became obvious that she was no longer laughing.
Releasing her grip from my arms, she bent her face to cover it with her hands. Her body continued to quake against me, but this time it was from her tears.
Tightening my arms around her, I rested my lips against the back of her neck, beginning to feel fucking compromised by her. "I'm so sorry, baby."
After another sharp intake of air, her sobs became audible. She started shaking her head back and forth, continuing to cover her face, until she completely broke down. "It ... it ... it should have been m-me!"
"Hey!" I replied firmly, while attempting to keep my voice gentle. "Don't you say that, Bella."
She just shook her head more, adding stubbornly, as she completely gave in to the tears. "I'm nothing—n-no one. She was e-everything."
"Bella, stop! That's not true. Everyone adores you—everyone!" I said too fucking passionately, but I had to make her see it was true.
She attempted to reply, shaking her head more, but she had become too engulfed by it. She cried and cried uncontrollably, her chest jerking and heaving, as tears poured down her face and onto my arms as I held her to me.
I knew this was exactly what she needed but it was fucking painful to bear. I closed my eyes, my forehead resting against her back as I held her to me, feeling her pain fucking echo through me.
Eventually, I turned her around, propping myself up on my knees to hold her against my chest. She was curled into a tightly wound ball, her hands still clamped over her face, but gradually she released them, wrapping them around my back and clinging to me as the grief continued to pour out of her. She cried until her voice turned hoarse, and continued crying even when she seemed to have no more tears left, while all I could do was hold her to me.
"E-Edward?" she asked after she began to calm, looking up at me, her breath erupting out of her in a shudder.
"What is it, baby?" I answered her softly.
"Please tell me it's a dream." She just gazed at me, her eyes wide—fucking pleading with me.
"Bella ... I'd tell you if I could—you know that, but I can't," I answered her as gently as I could, but I knew it wasn't what she wanted to hear.
Nodding slowly, she only closed her eyes, her face completely crumbling again.
Cupping her face, I brought my forehead to hers, as fresh tears slipped from her closed lashes. She was so broken that it was really fucking with me, and I just wanted to tell her it was going to be okay, but I knew she'd never believe me.
She was gripping my t-shirt tightly in her fists, when she pulled back to gaze directly in my eyes. "How ... am I going to get p-passed this?"
"It will get easier, baby," I promised her. "I know it's hard to believe right now, but it will."
"I-I just want to see her one more time. I never got to say goodbye! Please, Edward! Please..." She was begging me, as if I could change it for her; her voice so fragmented by grief that it was threatening to fucking break me if I hurt her more.
So I said nothing.
She just stared in my eyes, for what I wasn't sure, as hers again welled with tears, and just as I was about to grab her and pull her in my arms, she pushing herself off me, sitting back on her knees.
"Edward..." she began, her voice catching. Pausing, she wiped her eyes, over and over stubbornly, but the tears kept falling in streams down her cheeks. She looked so pitifully beautiful, while a complete mess at the same time that despite everything, I broke into a smile, taking both her hands in mine.
"Don't fight it, baby."
She nodded, her forehead etching deeper as she attempted to keep it in, regardless, but she had long lost the battle.
"I-I'm never going to see her again..." she uttered, completely breaking down again. "She's ... gone..."
"I know..." I replied, softly as I attempted to dry her tears.
"It's not fair," she whispered, her chest beginning to jerk again, as she reached out and clutched the front of my t-shirt.
"I know it's not."
She started shaking her head; I could feel a momentum beginning to build within her, and in the next minute, with her hands still grasping my shirt, she shoved against me. "IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR, EDWARD!" Her voice was strained, and her tears continued to pour down her face, but she was angry.
I grabbed both sides of her face, forcing her to look at me. "I know it's not, baby, but it's okay to be pissed off... It's okay."
She only closed her eyes, shaking her head again, her anger fading as quickly as it came. "I can't do this... It's k-killing me..."
Pulling her to me, I wrapped my arms around her. She still held my shirt in her fists, and holding to me tighter, she buried her face against my chest and this time completely surrendered.
I'm not sure how long this went on, but by the time she finally started to calm, I was practically fucking in tears with her. It had completely fucked with my emotions to see her like this. I had no I idea I'd react this way. It was like a fucking knife being plunged into my chest.
For a long time she was quiet, and for a moment I'd thought she'd fallen asleep, when she suddenly looked up at me.
"Edward," she said, her voice weak and barely a whisper, before she sat back again to gaze at me. "I'm so sorry."
I shook my head and opened my mouth to answer, when she added, looking so completely fucking lost and small. "Please don't be mad at me."
I smiled at her, releasing my breath as I did, before tucking a damp, tangled strand of her hair behind her ear. "Why would I be mad at you?"
She leaned closer to me again, resting her forehead against my shoulder. "Because I've been so horrible to you…" she replied.
"I'm not mad at you, baby," I murmured, turning my head, and burying my face against her cheek.
She pulled back again abruptly and shook her head. "You should be, because you have been completely wonderful, and I've ... I've..." the words died on her lips while she just stared at me again, in the oddest fucking way—as if she didn't know who the fuck I was.
"Come here." I sighed, sitting back down on the bathroom floor and pulling her onto my lap; she immediately curled against my chest. Wrapping my arms around her securely, I rested my chin on top of her head, exhaling deeply before I continued, "Just listen to me for a minute, okay?" I asked her, softly.
What I was planning on telling her wasn't going to be easy.
When she nodded, I started, "Before I donated my bone marrow to Alice, they didn't think she was going to make it. I went completely off the rails. I hated the world and I wanted to make everyone feel ... as much pain as I was, and on top of everything there were all these rumors going around about her. She was a drug addict; a prostitute; she had AIDS..." I stopped for a minute and shook my head, feeling a familiar anger rise within me. "I was a ticking time bomb, Bella, and one day, after my mother made me go to school, I heard Alice's name coming from a group of kids. I turned around, and Jake was there, and he was laughing. I was so pissed off that I jumped him. I started punching him—I couldn't stop. I took all my anger and pain out on him, but it didn't do anything, so I just kept on beating the crap out of him. It took a bunch of guys to pull me off him, and Jake had blood pouring down his face, but I didn't care. I ... wanted to kill him," I paused drawing in my breath. I felt like a prick; it was never Jacob's fault. I'd hated him all this time for nothing. Clearing my throat awkwardly, I continued, "They hauled my ass to the office and then your uncle dragged me to a jail cell. He wanted to charge me with assault, and by the look in his eyes he wanted to do a lot more than that. It was only because Carlisle came down to the station and explained everything with Alice that he let me go."
Bella was still; her breathing quiet and even, that I looked down at her, expecting to see her asleep, but realized she was quietly listening. Her expression looked stricken, while tears were again welling in her eyes again.
If she started crying again I was gonna fucking lose it.
Pressing my lips on top of her head, I exhaled heavily. "I know, baby, that when you're in pain, you say things, and you do things, that you don't mean."
She nodded numbly before, tightening her grip on me. She was still holding onto my shirt—my damp shirt. It was so damp, I didn't know if it was from her tears, her body heat, or mine.
But she didn't cry anymore; she became so quiet that even that reflexive jerking of her breath stopped, before she grew heavy and limp in my arms.
I tilted my head to look down at her, as an involuntary smile grew across my face. Her face was squashed against my chest, all tear streaked and blotchy.
And too fucking adorable to comprehend.
There was a timid knock on the door then, before it opened slowly.
It was all three of them; Nummi, Rach and Alice.
"How is she?" Nummi asked softly.
"She's okay," I whispered.
They were all gazing at Bella pitifully.
"You need some help getting her to bed?" Rach asked.
"I should be okay," I replied, struggling, and almost falling backwards, to get to my feet with Bella's limp body in my arms. She was a dead weight, and heavy.
She stirred, almost jolting, before immediately clinging to me.
Alice held the door open for me, and I carried Bella carefully into the hall, towards Nummi's room.
"Stay with me, Edward," she mumbled softly—it was almost a sob, before sluggishly taking fistfuls of my shirt in her hands again, holding on to me tighter; just in case I might have contemplated it.
I glanced up and met Nummi's gaze.
"Take her with you to your room, Edward," she said, before I could tell her that Bella was staying with me.
I nodded. Whether it was with all of them or with just her and I, there was no chance I was letting her go.
"Do you want me to get a bucket or something?" Rach asked gently.
I smiled wryly. "Honestly, I don't think there could possibly be anything left in her stomach."
"We heard," Alice replied, knotting her forehead and grimacing.
When I got Bella into my room, I attempted to lay her on the bed, but she only clung to me more.
"Honey, I'm not letting you go. I'm just going to lie you down on the bed."
"Just talk to me for a while," she said, a barely audible and hoarse whisper.
"Okay," I replied, keeping my voice soft. "How about we get in bed and talk?"
She nodded sleepily, then awkwardly I somehow managed to climb onto the bed with her in my arms, stretch the two of us out, and pull the blanket to cover us.
She seemed to relax, then with a heavy breath she snuggled into me further, laying her head on my chest. I smoothed her hair back from her face and pressed my lips against her forehead; despite what she'd been through tonight, her hair still smelled as appealing as it always did.
She curled her legs around me, before her hand reached for my mine. I caught it, brought it to my lips, before allowing it to rest with hers.
"Sleep, baby, okay?"
Taking one last shuddering breath in and releasing it, she relaxed fully into me, humming softly in reply.
A few minutes later, just when I was convinced that she was finally asleep, she stirred.
"Edward?" she asked softly.
"Mmmm?" I murmured, tightening my arm around her waist and squeezing her gently.
"In a while ... crocodile," she mumbled, almost incoherently.
I broke into a soft chuckle, quickly smothering it through my nose so I wouldn't fully wake her. "I love you, Bella."
"I love you too," she whispered.
A/N: Ok, pretty cheesy, but not easy to write. I don't know the pain Bella was feeling—and I pray I never find out. But *le sigh* I really love this chapter.