Barefoot And Bruised

by The Last Letter

AU. Jude was twenty and not even thinking about love when he met Connor Stevens, a boy who took his heart almost immediately. But Connor has a past he still has to struggle with daily and resists falling in love, even as he and Jude grow closer. Even as it seems everything will be all right, Connor's past refuses to lie, and Jude finds himself in a battle with Connor's demons.

36. The Safest Place

TRIGGER WARNING: for M-Rated, non-consensual content. If you do not wish to read this section, skip the large portion of italics.

Taylor: did you say it?

Jude: no.

Taylor: why not?

Jude: it's been less than a week since I realized! I don't feel comfy telling him.

Jude: he'll run away, Taylor. Things moved fast with his ex.

Taylor: I thought you didn't like lying to him

Jude: I don't

Taylor: I vote tell him

Jude: and I vote you talk to me again when you can be helpful!

Jude took a deep breath as Connor's hand softly touched his face. He relaxed into Connor's caress.

"You look angry," Connor observed.

"Not angry. Just a little frustrated. Taylor is being pushy about things that she shouldn't be pushy about."

Connor bit his lip and then fiddled with the side of his seatbelt. "Any … anything I can help with?"

"No, baby. It's … about you, honestly."

"Oh!"

"No, not bad, Connor. Don't look so sad. Taylor just throws herself into relationships and so she thinks that we should be at a different place than we are."

"Sex," Connor said flatly.

"And love," Jude replied.

"I don't think we should be near either of those," Connor said. "Does Taylor only say that because that's what she likes in a relationship?"

Jude nodded, thinking that the white lie wasn't really that much of a stretch. Taylor was all over the place in what she wanted in a relationship. Oftentimes, she only realized what she wanted from the other person after she'd met them. But Taylor would like to see new developments in Jude's and Connor's relationship. It was comparable, if Jude twisted his logic a little.

"Do you think like Taylor does?"

"No. I'm happy with how we are. I promise."

"I believe you." Connor smiled and Jude actually felt guilty about it. "Did you find somewhere that you want to go to dinner?"

"I'm feeling pizza if you're feeling pizza."

Connor sat back.

"What?" Jude asked. "You're pouting."

"I'm not!" Connor protested, although Jude definitely thought he was pouting. "I just thought … we were going to go out somewhere. I mean … it's okay to stay inside. But I don't like it all the time."

"Well, there's an authentic Italian pizza place that we can go to. And it's close to the ice-cream place we like so we can walk down after if you're not full."

"I shouldn't have doubted you."

"Eh, you can kiss me and make it up to me."

Connor immediately reached across the console for a kiss, pulling Jude to him. For a moment, Jude was guilty all over again. He thought that Connor might have only been kissing him since Jude had inadvertently ordered it, but Connor didn't kiss him like it was a chore. Connor kissed him so that Jude's heart and blood were racing while his head spun. Connor smiled as they kissed and Jude's heart leapt.

"We should go. It's Friday night and it'll probably be busy."

"Yeah," Connor agreed.

"Is everything okay, baby?" Jude asked as they started to drive.

"I'm starting to get nervous."

"About exams?" Jude guessed.

"About spending Christmas with my dad."

"Oh. That's a really big deal, isn't it?"

"Yeah." Jude glanced over and saw Connor pull his legs onto the car seat with him. "Last Christmas, I was unconscious for most of it. Well, not unconscious. Bleeding in and out with my medication schedule. So even though it was technically Dad and I last Christmas, I wasn't aware of it. And it didn't feel like Christmas. We didn't do anything. Then, I got out of the hospital and we were just adjusting to living so we didn't do anything holiday related. And now we're going to New York. Nothing's going to be familiar! And I'm going to have to fly there. Crowded airports and crowded planes and … I think I'm stupid for agreeing to go."

"You're not stupid!" At the edge of campus, there was a group of people, already plastered, who were racing across the road in the middle of a green light. Jude slammed on the brakes and Connor let out a squawk of terror. "Sorry, baby."

"And I thought I was okay driving with you." Connor groaned and hid his face in his hands. "I can't do this trip, Jude!"

Jude slowly started driving again. "Don't underestimate yourself, baby. You are way stronger than you think. Don't focus on how scary it might be, think of all the good things. You and your dad deserve to get to know each other better and I know he's going to look out for you."

Connor let out an unsteady breath. "He … he understands me better now."

"Right. And I think he cares about you. I mean, it sounds like he better understands how to care about you now."

"I think that's true. I won't know anyone or anything."

"That's the point of somewhere new," Jude said.

"Yeah," Connor said, letting the word drag.

"This trip is about your mom, right?" Jude glanced over to catch the small smile on his boyfriend's face.

"New York was my mom's favourite place. If it weren't for my dad I know she would have moved there permanently. But the last time she went I was five. She went with her best friend. Dad stayed with me. Just for the weekend." Connor sighed. "It was probably my fault that she never got to go back."

Jude backed into a parking spot and turned the car off. "That wasn't your fault."

"If she didn't have me –"

"Baby, I'm sorry for interrupting you, but … listen, okay? I will never meet your mom and I haven't met your dad yet, but I guarantee if you asked him, he would tell you that your mom wanted you. And because she chose to have you that means that she put you above everything. I know I'll never know your mom, Connor, but I do know that she loved you."

Connor had a frown, his two eyebrows dipping close together over his nose. He unbuckled his seatbelt and then tapped his knuckles against his knees. "Let's go in and eat, okay? We can just … complain about exams and be normal."

Connor got out of the car and Jude waited until Connor was completely out of the car before letting out his sigh. He didn't know how to help Connor with something like this. He had no idea what would make it better. He didn't think he had the words and, Jude had to admit, he didn't really have the background. He didn't know what exactly what had happened on Connor's last Christmas; he didn't know the full extent of Connor's relationship with his father; and he didn't know the full extent of Connor's relationship with his mother. Jude knew Connor loved his mother, although he spoke of her a lot less than he spoke of his father. Jude could understand wanting to keep the memories of a dead parent sacred, but it meant that he was more at a loss on what to say. He didn't want to step out of line and say something completely inaccurate or something that would offend Connor. Families were weird and there didn't seem to be a part of Connor's past that was truly easy for him to talk about. People got hurt; it was a fact of life. Jude just didn't think it was fair that Connor had been dealt this hand in life.

Jude got out of the car, knowing that Connor would get uneasy if he lingered inside too long and he would take it personally.

"Everything okay?" Connor asked as soon as Jude was standing on the pavement.

And there it was.

Jude put his hand on the small of Connor's back to keep him close and so that he could start steering his boyfriend into the restaurant. "Remember when I told you that there would be days when I wouldn't deal with your past as well?"

"Yeah," Connor whimpered.

"I think today is one of those days. Not because it's too much for me, baby, but just because I don't know what to say."

Connor crossed his hands in front of him and held on tightly to himself. "I'm sorry, Jude."

They stepped inside the restaurant, which was an authentic-style Italian restaurant. It was bustling and on the loud side. The hostess found them a table for two that was hidden off to the side. It was a bit dimmer, but it was also quieter, and Jude figured that was the important part. Connor opened his menu and was scanning it with a concentration that seemed over-the-top. Jude didn't know if he should reach over and try to take Connor's hand over the table or affectionately try and toy with his foot under the table. Connor might not want to be touched and there were no obvious signs for when he was feeling that way.

"Are you upset?"

Connor shook his head. "I don't have any reason to be."

"You're allowed to be. For me not understanding you perfectly. For what happened to make you feel this way about travelling. Sometimes people are just upset."

Connor didn't look up at Jude. "W-w-what kind of pizza do you want?"

Jude rubbed his hand across his face. Okay, fine. If that was how Connor wanted to deal with things tonight, that was how they were going to deal with things. He flipped open his menu. "Do you want to share something?"

Jude could feel Connor's gaze on his face; he knew that Connor would notice his change in tone. But if Connor didn't feel like talking about it, then Jude didn't feel like talking about it either.

"I'd like for you to pick," Connor whispered. "I trust you."

Jude ordered a Neapolitan pizza when the waitress came back. She took their menus and that made Connor look up at him. Jude could tell by Connor's face that he had nothing to say. Or, at least, nothing that he wanted to say. Jude put his elbow on the table and leant on his hand. He didn't have anything to say either. He knew, though, that Connor was going to take the first step, and he forced himself to.

"What exam are you the most worried about?"

"Oh. Prob … probably the Entrepreneur evaluation. That's last day of classes. What about you?"

"Health psych. There's a lot to remember."

Connor nodded and toyed with his fork. Jude just wanted to duck his head and sigh, but he held himself back. He knew how Connor would overreact and Jude didn't want to go there. Not tonight. Jude was grateful when the pizza came, because it provided something to do. Jude tried talking about studying for Kroeger's class together and Connor listened as aptly as he normally did, but he didn't respond. Jude wondered if that soft, at-attention expression was the one that Connor's ex usually saw. Jude certainly wasn't used to seeing it. By the time Jude was halfway through his second piece of pizza, he completely gave up on conversation. Connor continued to pick at his first piece, and he wasn't finished it by the end of the first hour they were there.

"I'm sorry, Jude," Connor said. "I'm just not feeling very hungry."

"How about I take you home, okay?"

"Okay."

Jude got the remainder of their pizza boxed up, and he paid.

"You don't have to," Connor protested.

"It's okay, baby. You paid last time." Jude put his hand against the small of Connor's back again as they walked out to the car. "Do you want to take it home?"

"You paid for it."

"Yeah, but you didn't eat very much."

"It's okay, Jude. Thank you for offering."

Stiff and formal. Closed off and quiet. He was reminiscent of the Connor that Jude had first sat next to in class. Jude didn't know what to say or do, so he opened Connor's car door and asked him to hold the pizza for now. Connor agreed, because that was what Connor did. Jude carefully shut the car door and started up the car to go back to Connor's dorms. Jude didn't really want to take Connor back to his room; they'd planned on spending time together after dinner. But he knew that it was only going to frustrate them both to push and he parked in the nano parking lot.

"Call me tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay," Connor agreed. He put his hand on the door handle and then he quickly leant across the console to kiss Jude's cheek. "I'm sorry about tonight."

"Don't worry about it. Really, baby, don't. Sometimes it's just how things are and maybe it'll be better in the morning.

"Maybe."

"And, Connor?"

"What?"

"Don't be afraid to call me if you need anything. If you want to talk, if you want me to come get you, if you just want to know that there's someone on the other end of the phone. I mean it, Connor. Call."

"Th-thank you," Connor murmured. "I … should just go inside now."

"Goodnight, Connor."

"Goodnight, Jude."

Connor got out of the car, putting the pizza carefully on the passenger seat and then shouldering his backpack. He headed inside of his dorm building and that was when Jude put Gerald in reverse. Even though he didn't really want to, Jude drove away.

(-.-)

Jude hated him.

As Connor climbed the stairs up to his dorm room, that was all that he could think of. Jude hated him. Connor wouldn't blame him. Connor had been horrible all night and he wasn't going to be able to stop being horrible any time soon. It was why he'd been hit. He'd deserved it. He didn't think that Jude would hit him, but he did think that Jude might get frustrated and leave him. When it happened, Connor promised himself that he wouldn't be upset about it. He promised himself that he would accept it. These few months of happiness with Jude meant more to Connor than any man could ever put into words, but he knew better than to think that he was allowed to be happy for too long.

Connor unlocked his dorm door and let himself inside. He locked the door behind him and checked the bathroom and checked that the window was locked. He folded his bed down and then tucked his backpack underneath of it. He let out a small sigh and then covered his mouth. A sigh was a sound of frustration. He wasn't frustrated. Not a bit. Connor gathered up pyjama pants and Jude's sweatshirt and went to take a shower. It was a quick shower; Connor discovered that even being under the warm water didn't make him feel any better and he stepped out, turning his back to the mirror and keep his gaze away from his scars as he dried himself off.

Jude hadn't cared about his scars. Jude had kissed them. Thinking of it now made Connor too sad and, even though it was early, he pulled on his pyjamas and climbed into bed. He put his back against the wall, drew the hood around his head, and yanked the comforter up around his neck, snuggling in tightly. If he was fully surrounded by blankets and cuddled in, it meant nothing bad could happen to him. At least, he tried to believe it. He wanted to believe it. He knew it was a child's logic, designed to keep the monsters under the bed at bay, but if Connor could believe it, only a little bit, then it might help. He spent several long minutes staring at the ceiling, sleep finally came over him, but it was not quite the blessing that Connor had hoped it would be.

Connor couldn't help but smile as he ran his hands over the long sleeves of the new sweater. He turned to face his boyfriend.

"I like that colour green on you," his boyfriend said. "What do you think?"

"I really love it," Connor answered. "Thank you, so much."

"I wanted you to have something nice for dinner tonight." His boyfriend crooked his finger and Connor immediately stepped flush to his boyfriend in order to kiss him. "Say thank you properly, Connor."

Connor nodded, slowly lowering himself to his knees. He was grateful for the black and white checked rug that his boyfriend's mother had gifted their bedroom last Christmas. He tried to concentrate the on the rug instead of what he was doing, because Connor knew what was going to come next and he knew that he hated that part. He unbuckled his boyfriend's belt and popped the button on his jeans, sliding the zipper down. He lowered his boyfriend's pants and underwear, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes at the same time.

He touched his slips slowly to the tip of his boyfriend's penis, thinking, hoping, that maybe this time they could be gentle and slow. Connor liked gentle and slow. Connor knew that he was spoilt by his boyfriend and his boyfriend deserved to be repaid for everything he did, and Connor knew that he could do everything his boyfriend wanted and it still wouldn't be enough; they still wouldn't be even. Connor opened his mouth, taking his boyfriend all the way in. He smelled nothing but the freshly-showered scent of his boyfriend and he could feel the tickle of pubic hair against his nose. Connor knew he had lingered a moment too long when he felt his boyfriend's hand against the back of his head, desperately gripping at the short strands for hair. His boyfriend managed to grab him enough to haul Connor's head back and Connor gasped, knowing that air had been turned into a precious commodity. He had only gotten half a breath when his boyfriend pulled him back down.

Tears filled Connor's eyes as he tried not to get sick, though his boyfriend was pushing his gag reflex and he could feel his stomach churn with bile. His hands flapped at his sides and Connor gripped onto the sleeves of his new sweater. His survival instinct was screaming at him to push his boyfriend away because he needed air, but Connor knew better than that. He had tried, once, when their relationship was new, and it was a lesson that he would never forget. He kept his eyes closed, thinking about how it had to be over soon, since the repetition of breathing and gagging was happening so quickly. Tears were running hot down his face and he knew that his boyfriend had to notice, but, like every other time, his boyfriend never said a word. And Connor felt like he was drowning. Between the saliva that gathered thick in his mouth and pooled down his chin and the tears that seemed to be falling all over his face, Connor felt as if he were going to run out of air and drown.

He just wanted his boyfriend to finish. He wanted to be done.

His boyfriend pushed Connor's head away, but he wasn't done, and Connor knew it.

"Stand up."

His boyfriend shouldn't have had to ask. Connor was on his feet in an instant, staring at his boyfriend's deep brown eyes. He saw his boyfriend look him over and Connor knew what was coming next, but he couldn't help but say, "We'll be late for dinner."

"Who gives a fuck about dinner!?"

Connor flinched before the blow, and it was twice as bad when it finally landed. His cheek was aching and he looked up at his boyfriend, affording him the chance to grab Connor tightly around the throat. Connor couldn't stop himself from grabbing at his boyfriend's forearm with both hands, knowing that he would never be strong enough to push him away, but Connor shouldn't want to push him away. He loved his boyfriend. What kind of monster pushed away the person that he loved the most; who loved him the most?

Connor's back hit the mattress and his boyfriend leaned into his choking hold, making Connor feel like his throat was going to collapse. With a practiced hand, his boyfriend undid Connor's jeans and then he lifted his hand away from Connor's throat in order to pull off Connor's clothes.

"I'm sorry," Connor panted. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!"

His boyfriend ripped Connor's new sweater from him. "You're sorry?!"

"Yes!"

His boyfriend grasped Connor's penis with a hand too tight to be comfortable by anyone's standards. A scream had started to build in Connor's throat the moment that he felt nails against his sensitive skin and it exploded out of him the moment that his boyfriend pulled his hand down.

"Please!" Connor begged. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! PLEASE!"

"Do you see the things you make me do?" his boyfriend whispered, letting go of him. His voice was suddenly soft and sweet and he crawled up the bed so that he was lying tight to Connor. His boyfriend gently caressed Connor's face, clearing away his tears. "It's not my fault, Connor. I was just trying to love you and you threw it in my face. Why did you do that?"

"I'm sorry," Connor said, knowing that it was all that he could say.

"That's not an explanation!"

His boyfriend's hand clenched around Connor's throat again, stifling the scream that wanted to erupt from Connor as his boyfriend forced himself inside of Connor. He hated this part more than he hated oral sex, because this part always just hurt. His boyfriend's hand relaxed and Connor drew in a deep breath, trying to relax, trying to keep it from killing him from the inside out.

He whimpered with every sharp thrust, turning his face into the comforter, like reality would be different if he couldn't see it. Two thick fingers hooked in the side of his mouth and dragged his face upward.

"Le –" Connor started, but then his boyfriend's entire hand was inside of his mouth, and Connor was choking.

Connor bolted awake, tearing his hand away from his mouth. His fingers were covered in saliva and he realized he'd been choking himself. He stared around his dark room for a moment, trying to catch his breath, and then he realized it wouldn't work. He fumbled into his tiny bathroom and manage to hit the floor before throwing up into the toilet. His memories had been too vivid to be just a dream; they were so vivid that Connor was sure that he was going to turn around and his ex would be there. Or he was going to look in the mirror and see that all of his bruises had come back. He hid his face in his hands and just let himself sob.

He was never going to be free.

His ex was always going to be with him. He and everything that he had ever done to Connor was so deeply engrained that Connor knew that he was never going to be free. He was going to suffer forever. He didn't want to. But here he was. He stuck. He was trapped. He was always going to be trapped. Connor felt his tears roll thick and heavy into his mouth and it reminded him so much of crying in his dream that he ended up throwing up again. He flushed the toilet and bent forward as far as he could go, ducking his face under the collar of the hoodie and inhaling deeply. He could smell Jude's scent on the fabric, as if his boyfriend had just taken it off, and the smell calmed him. Connor pressed a hand to his unsteady heart, thinking that the scent of another man should be just as scary.

But it wasn't.

On his hands and knees, Connor crawled from his bathroom to where he left his phone. Hands shaking and eyes blinded with tears, he fumbled his way to Jude's number and he called. He didn't think about anything else other than the fact that he wanted to hear Jude's face.

"Hello," Jude answered. "Connor?"

"I-I-I-I-"

"Shh, baby," Jude purred. "It's okay. Take a deep breath."

The air seared Connor's lungs and it came out in an awful blubbering mess.

"Are you okay? Are you safe?"

"Sorry for calling!" Connor wailed, his voice hitting an unnatural high.

"No, Connor, I'm glad you did. Are you safe?"

"Uh-huh," Connor managed, feeling as if he were going to choke on the snot coming out of his nose.

"Do you want me to come get you?"

Connor hiccoughed, trying to draw in enough air to get an answer out. "W-w-would … you?"

"Yes. Say yes, Connor, and I'll be over in twenty minutes. But make sure you only say yes if you want me to."

"Yes," Connor cried. "J-J-J-Jude, want y-y-ou."

"Okay, I'm on my way. Do you want to stay on the phone with me or do you want me to just come get you?"

"Come," Connor whispered. "Just."

"I'll be right there."

Connor held his phone up to his ear after Jude had hung up. The screen started to heat his cheek and Connor finally let his phone fall to the floor. He hung his head between his knees and willed himself to stop crying. The sobs had died away and now the tears were just leaking down his face in a stream that he just couldn't control.

Do something, Connor. Do something. You can't just sit. Don't be lazy. Do something.

Connor took a deep breath and slowly began to move. He found his backpack and dragged it toward him, using his muscle memory to pack it with the few things that he'd need to go to Jude's. He didn't stand to turn the light on; he didn't trust his legs to hold him. Like he always did after a cry, he felt as if his entire body were made of jelly. He didn't know how he was going to make it down the stairs to Jude, but he thought that knowing Jude was waiting for him might drive him down there.

Because Connor wanted Jude with a ferocity that scared him. And it was also tearing him apart. Because he could feel the burn of his ex-boyfriend's touch as if it had just occurred and he felt the want for Jude like he never should. He wasn't supposed to care about anyone but his ex. There was a part of Connor that believed that so strongly that it made him feel sick all over again, but he wanted Jude. He cared about Jude. He knew that he could never care about Jude the way that he did for his ex, but sometimes he didn't think that was such a bad thing. Now was not one of those times. Now, he was wondering why he hadn't fought for his ex and had allowed himself to settle for the first man that showed interest in him in order to fill the void that his ex had left behind. He should have fought for his ex. He should have fought for their life together and the love that they'd had. He shouldn't have let it go so easily. He shouldn't have allowed anyone else to convince him to leave it behind.

He jumped so badly he hit his head off his bathroom doorknob when his phone lit up. He was scared to look at it, but he was scared of everything. There was nothing scary about his phone, though. He had no reason to be paranoid. Jude was just here.

Connor drew the hood strings tightly around his face. He didn't want anyone to see him. He pulled on his sneakers, his fingers trembling to the point where he tucked his laces into his shoes instead of trying to tie them. He shouldered his backpack, gripped his keys tightly, and then he made himself stand. He felt like a sailor who had just hit land after a long maiden voyage. He made it to his door and then gripped the handle. He couldn't leave his room; he just couldn't. But Jude was in the parking lot and Connor couldn't let him wait. Connor was the reason he was here.

He made it into the empty hallway. Connor hoped it was either early enough that a lot of students were still out partying or late enough that they were securely in their rooms. When he was on the stairs by the third floor, he heard voices, and he had to hurry. He was sure he was going to fall, since he'd almost been taking the stairs one at time. He didn't want to get hurt. He didn't want to feel pain. He had enough of pain, though he knew that wasn't fair of him to say and that it was whiny and selfish. Everyone had to feel pain. Connor just wanted to be done with his portion. He made it out the front door and there was Gerald, parked at the curb where cars weren't technically supposed to be. Jude was standing at the hood and Connor felt a flash of nervousness. Jude never got out of the car.

"Connor, are you okay?"

Jude was standing there because he cared. Jude had driven over here in the dark, after he and Connor had parted so uncomfortably, because Jude cared about him. Jude offered his hand and, though Connor couldn't see Jude's expression very well in the dim light they were standing in, he knew that Jude would be looking at him with sweetness because that was how Jude looked at him and Connor had to try and remember that. Connor rested his hand in Jude's. Jude's fingers were soft and thin and Jude touched him so gently that it made Connor want to break. He leant toward Jude and Jude caught him, just like Connor knew he would. Jude's arms were lightly around his mid-back and his waist and Connor tucked his head against Jude's shoulder and he just kept crying. He held Jude tighter than he should.

"It's okay," Jude whispered in his ear. "It's okay. I've got you, baby. You're safe here."

Connor knew that. And he knew that he should always remember it, but sometimes it was so hard too, and he was so glad that Jude was always going to be there to remind him. Because that's how Jude was. Jude's was light itself.

"I wanna go," Connor sniffed, trying to breathe through his hiccoughs.

"Go? Sure. We can go. Wherever you want, baby."

"Jude," he whined.

Jude squeezed him. "Tell me if this sounds good to you, okay?"

Connor nodded against Jude's shoulder.

"We'll get in the car, it's all nice and warm and I put another sweater in the back if you want it, and then we'll go and get coffee or hot chocolate or something equally warm because hot drinks make you feel better, and then I'll bring you home here or you can come home with me. Whatever you want."

"Yeah," Connor sniffed. "W-w-want."

Jude kissed his temple. "It does mean you have to let go of me though."

Connor didn't particularly want to let go. He just wanted to hold on tight and stand until he could breathe again. But he didn't want to be found standing here with Jude. He didn't want anyone to see him crying into Jude. He loosened his arms, and Jude carefully guided him to the passenger's seat. It was an action that could have been viewed as condescending, but Connor was just glad that Jude was willing to do that much for him. Jude shut the door carefully behind Connor, and Connor buckled his seatbelt. He counted how many times it took him to get his buckle into the holder and the answer was eleven. It took him eleven attempts to do something that he could usually do without thought, because his hands were shaking so badly. Because, after all this time free, his ex could still be planted so firmly in his head that Connor could do nothing but curl into a ball and wait for it to pass. If it ever passed. If it would ever truly pass.

He pulled his feet onto the seat and put his arms around his shins, holding onto himself tightly. He rubbed his face against the softness of his pyjamas, trying to clear his tears away. He took deep breaths, trying to get himself to a place where he could talk to Jude. He liked talking to Jude. He thought Jude liked talking to him most of the time. But Jude hadn't liked talking to him early tonight; Connor knew that for sure. The thought just hurt him more, because Jude was still here. Jude had still picked up when he called and had still come to get him.

Jude backed out of the parking spot. "I know a twenty-four hour coffee place. It's not the best but, hey, it's coffee that I didn't have to make. Or do you want a hot chocolate? It's actually better there than the coffee is."

"I'm sorry, Jude," Connor whispered.

"For what? You didn't wake me up, if that's what you're worried about."

"For dinner."

Jude signalled into a tiny parking lot and parked right in front of the building. He turned in his seat. "Coffee or hot chocolate? Or mocha? Best of both worlds."

"Um." Connor stared. That wasn't what he thought that Jude was going to say. Especially in not a friendly, casual tone like the one that he was using. "I … don't … what do I … want … I …"

"Maybe caffeine isn't a good idea," Jude murmured. "Can you agree with that?"

Connor nodded.

"I'll be back in five minutes, okay?"

Connor nodded again, though he couldn't help but whimper when Jude shut the driver's side door behind him. He tucked his head between his knees, trying to force himself to take deep breaths. He wanted to be different, as he always did. Right now, in this moment, he wanted to be able to be calm. He wanted to be able to be in this moment and not years in the past. He wasn't sixteen anymore. He wasn't a scared little boy. He was an adult – whatever that was worth. He was supposed to be in control in his own life. At the very least, he was supposed to be able to keep himself in reality. But he had to admit that was never one of his strong suits.

Jude opened the car door and Connor glanced at the clock on Gerald's dashboard. It read 12:18. Four minutes. Jude had only been gone four minutes. Given what could happen in four minutes, Connor thought he was doing well. But by any other standard, Connor knew he was a wreck, and that bothered him too. Why couldn't he be normal? Why couldn't he keep it together?

"Medium hot chocolate for you."

Jude passed over the cup and Connor wrapped both hands around it, even though he didn't really need to. It was something else to ground him in the here and now. The heat from the hot chocolate was nearly painful against his skin, but Connor didn't reach for a cup collar. He liked the feeling.

"I got them to put whipped cream on it for you," Jude added.

"Thank you," Connor whispered, though his throat was clogged up because there was this voice in the back of his head that kept thinking that he should do something to repay Jude with and the only way he knew how to do that was sex but that wasn't what Jude wanted. Jude just wanted to be nice to him; Jude just wanted Connor to be nice to him back. Jude didn't give things with strings attached. Sometimes, Connor thought that he should. Because then, at least, Connor would know how to return the favour.

"Do you need anything else?"

Connor shook his head.

"Where do you want to go? My apartment or back to your dorm?"

"With you," Connor whispered immediately. "If … if that's … that's okay. I was so m-m-m-mean b-b-before. With … su-su-supper."

"Baby, it's okay. It wasn't the best night, but you weren't mean. It's just one of those things that we're going to have to work through. But not tonight. Not right now. You need me right now and, I promise, I'm not mad at you."

Connor didn't trust that at all. Jude might not be angry now but if it was easier to get angry later and do so. Anger waited until it was the best time to be revealed. He didn't like being suspicious, but he didn't know how he could survive by trusting. That wasn't how things went for him.

"I promise," Jude said, "I'm not mad. We're okay. And I want you to come with me, but only if you want to."

Connor nodded carefully.

"You're okay," Jude reminded him. "You're safe here."

Connor wished. Connor wished that there was a place he felt safe. That's all he really wanted. A place where he never doubted that he was safe. He played with the plastic lid on his hot chocolate on the drive to Jude's, even though he didn't take a drink, which he felt guilty about. Jude had bought it for him. He should drink it. But there was a lump in his throat that was nearly impossible to breathe around, let alone take a drink with. Connor just tried to focus on getting to a place where he didn't feel like he was going to lose it every time he took a breath. He wanted to be mostly okay when Jude pulled into his driveway, but he didn't really feel that way.

He held his hot chocolate tightly when he walked down the hill to Jude's. Jude was right next to him, but Jude didn't make any move to touch him. Connor liked that Jude was giving him his space, but it also made him paranoid. He knew Jude liked to touch him. Sometimes, he liked Jude touching him. He couldn't tell if Jude just didn't want to touch him or if Jude was respecting him. If Jude liked him still, Jude would reach for him. Wouldn't he? Or was Connor just overthinking it?

Connor didn't know anymore. There was no real truth. There was just him and him being wrong. He lingered in the doorway of Jude's apartment, only taking his shoes off after Jude did so.

"You don't have to be so awkward, baby. You know you're allowed to be here. You're allowed to be comfortable here."

Connor wasn't allowed anything. It was like entitlement. He shouldn't be entitled. He wasn't worth enough to be entitled.

"Let's go sit on the couch," Jude said, "and finish our drinks."

Connor nodded. He could do that. That seemed nice. Jude led the way over to the couch and they sat on their usual sides. Connor pulled his legs onto the couch, holding his cooling hot chocolate in his hands. Jude put his on the coffee table in order to take the plaid blanket off the back of the couch and spread it over Connor's legs. That put Connor right back to the edge and he bowed his head, trying to hide the tears.

"Oh, Connor," Jude sighed. "I don't know how to help you."

Connor opened the top of his hot chocolate cup, pulling his knees up higher so that he could hide his trembling hands. He wanted to be stronger than tears and shaky limbs and calling Jude in the middle of the night. He should be able to take care of himself. He shouldn't be such a burden to everyone who so much as looked at him. He lifted the cup to his lips and took a tiny sip. It was all he thought he could manage; he couldn't stand the thought of possibly choking on something. Not now. The hot chocolate wasn't cool enough yet to be completely comfortable and it scalded his throat and tongue. He took a breath, letting the air just wash through his mouth. He could focus on that.

"Connor?" Jude prompted.

"I'm sorry," Connor said.

"For what? You don't need to be sorry."

"I … Um. I …" Connor sniffed, feeling tears beginning to build again. He stared down at his cup, as if not looking at Jude would make things easier. As if anything could make things easier. "I had a bad dream."

Like he was a child. Like he was incapable of dealing with something as small as a bad dream on his own. Bad dreams happened to everyone. He shouldn't be like this. Bad dreams were everywhere. No one else did this.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't why to," Jude reminded him gently. "If you need me to listen, I absolutely will. But if this is something you don't want to say, then you don't have to. I just want you to be comfortable here, Connor, and I don't know how to do that."

Connor hesitantly took another sip of his hot chocolate. "I … w-w-want … want to trust y-y-you."

Jude rested against the back of the couch, casually taking a gulp from his cup. Connor envied the simple confidence that Jude could move with. "I don't think you not being able to voice certain experiences mean that you don't trust me, baby. There are some things that a person just can't put into words, no matter who they trust or how much."

"I want you to be right," Connor murmured. "But I don't know. I don't know anything."

"I know that's not true," Jude said. "Come on, try telling me something that you know. Anything at all."

Connor thought for a moment. Something he knew. Something he could be sure of. "There are eight point four-zero-six million people living in New York City."

"I didn't think it was that many," Jude said.

Connor swallowed. "Almost forty-one thousand women will die from breast cancer this year, while about four hundred and fifty men will die from breast cancer."

"You never hear about men dying from breast cancer."

Jude sounded sad and Connor wanted to avoid that. Something happy. What was a happy fact? "Otters hold hands when they sleep so they don't float away from one another."

"I've always thought that fact was cute," Jude said. "Although I do think otters are cute, so maybe that has something to do with it too."

Oh. Jude knew that one.

"A group of pugs is called a grumble," Connor said. Could Jude know that one? He hoped not.

Jude grinned so widely Connor could count all of his front teeth. "Really? I love that! It's so fitting."

"A group of hedgehogs is called a prickle."

"Even more fitting. Though the pug one is funnier."

Connor had to agree, but he felt rejected that Jude said it.

"Do you know any more animal facts?" Jude asked.

"Norway once knighted a penguin," Connor said, his tone lackluster. He didn't like this game anymore. There were too many things that could go wrong, just like with everything else, and it was all going wrong.

"Do you know why?"

Connor shook his head. He was too stupid to know about the why.

"Can I tell you about a fact I learnt about in psych class today?" Jude asked.

Connor nodded. That was safer.

"Cuddling can actually help wounds heal more quickly, because cuddling releasing oxytocin. Cuddling also triggers the release of serotonin, which helps fight depression and can make people feel better."

"You want to cuddle?"

"If you want to."

"It's always about me," Connor said.

"Tonight, it is," Jude said. "Tonight, it needs to be because you're the one who's dealing with stuff tonight. There's no shame in that."

"I had scratches all over my face when we went to dinner. My cheek was all red. Just from how he held me while we were … having sex. I mean, it was … on purpose. He wanted to hurt me that time. I know that. But the waiter, at dinner, when my boyfriend was in the bathroom, came over and asked if he needed me to call someone. I said no. I shouldn't have. I was sixteen. I could have … avoided the worst years. Most of it. But I didn't. I think about that a lot."

"Was that what you dreamt about?"

Connor touched his cheek. He could feel the dull ache of his old wound. "No. I dreamt about right before that."

His hot chocolate was cooling in his hands and Connor took a gulp of it. He couldn't not finish it. Not after Jude had spent money on it. Not after Jude had been nice enough to get it for him at all.

"I'm sorry, baby." Jude's hand reached out, the tips of his fingers nearly touching his knee, and then he pulled his hand back.

"It's okay."

"Are you just saying that?"

Connor looked at Jude's hand, which Jude had resting on his lap. "No. You … you've never hurt me, have you, Jude?"

"No. And I never want to."

Jude reached forward again and he rested his palm against Connor's knee. It wasn't until he felt Jude's hand on him that Connor realized how much he was craving to be touched. He put his cup down on the coffee table and reached for Jude. His hands were shaking again, but Jude didn't say anything and Connor was grateful for that. Jude wound his arms around Connor and like he did in the parking lot, Connor just felt safe. It felt natural to relax against Jude while Jude adjusted the blanket over the both of them.

"How's this?" Jude asked.

"This is … good," Connor said hesitantly. He didn't know if he should say good; admit that something other than being in his ex's arms was good. Not now. But it was good. It felt good. Connor knew that it was good. He knew that like he knew his own name. Like he knew tongue prints were as unique as finger prints.

Jude pressed a kiss to Connor's temple and Connor reached up and held Jude's hand. Jude's fingers were soft and Connor liked that. Jude was just soft.

"Do you need anything else?"

Connor shook his head. "I … I want to … just stay. Like this."

"We can stay like this for as long as you want," Jude promised.

"You're too nice."

"I don't think so," Jude said. "Do you want to find something to watch or do you just want to sit in the quiet?"

"W-w-what do you … um, want to watch?"

"Nothing in particular. We can just flip through channels if we find something or if we don't find something just put music on or … maybe do something that would make you happy."

"Am I allowed to be happy?" Connor whispered.

"You tell me," Jude said. "You don't need to be happy all the time but … you know, that's a good idea."

"What?"

"Tell me the last time you were happy," Jude said. "Just, really, honestly happy."

"Um. Wednesday, I think."

"Why?"

"It was sunny."

"Yeah. It was really nice."

"And … my salad was good."

"You tried the new salad dressing, right? That … fruit one you made yourself."

"Yeah. And … you were telling me those jokes that Rita told you at work on Tuesday night. And they were … kind of immature."

"She's got a five year old sister," Jude protested. "You can't expect brilliance from 'what do you call a fake noodle?'"

"An impasta," Connor said. "But they were funny. I laughed and you laughed and we … we were laughing, um, together and … and … And I had no reason to be sad."

"Hmm," Jude mused.

Connor didn't care for that sound at all. It didn't tell him what Jude really thought and Connor wanted to say something, but he kept his mouth shut. He'd been a big enough problem tonight. He shouldn't make it worse.

"What do you do when you cross a snowman and a vampire?"

It was a simple riddle, but Connor smiled anyway. He was only half lying when he said, "What?"

"Frostbite."

"Thank you, Jude."

"You don't have to think me. I'm doing what any good boyfriend would."

"I think you'd be good, even without the boyfriend … Boyfriend doesn't mean good," Connor added, though he thought he might have said too much.

"You're good," Jude said.

"I don't think so," Connor answered.

"Why not?"

"I don't know. I'm just not." Connor pulled the blanket over his shoulders and pulled Jude's arm tighter around his waist. He knew he shouldn't have. He knew that it was too much, but Jude was comforting. Connor had called him for a reason.

"Connor?"

"What?"

"I think you're good. I think you're really good. I think that you are not your past and you are not what happened to you. You are bigger than that. Greater than that. I …" Jude hesitated and Connor picked his head up from Jude's shoulder. "I think you're amazing. That's all."

Connor rested his head back against Jude's shoulder. "Um … TV?"

"Sure, baby. Whatever you want." Jude turned on the TV. He opened up the guide but before he started searching, Jude turned his head and kissed Connor on the forehead. "You feeling okay?"

"Don't leave me," Connor whispered. "Jude, I can't be alone again. I was alone and the dream came and the memory came and I … I … don't want to be alone again. I don't … I don't …"

He didn't want to cry again. He didn't want to be small and vulnerable but here he was. Tears were rolling down his cheeks, carving familiar lines into his worn cheeks. Connor started to curl in on himself but Jude kept a tight arm on him. He was not alone this time. He was not in a dark room that were easy for phantoms to haunt. They were beyond the witching hour and into the strangeness of two a.m. Connor was going to be okay here. He was going to be able to breathe. He believed it. He had to believe it. Jude was strong and warm beneath him and he needed to hold onto that. There was no one grabbing him. There were no fingers in his mouth. There was no risk of drowning.

"You're okay, you're okay," Jude murmured. "I've got you now."

Connor wanted to find it comforting, but he just didn't. There wasn't anything. Jude began to hum and Connor pulled the blanket up over his head. It was his mother's favourite song; of course, it was. Because somehow, Jude had ended up knowing him. Somehow, Connor had ended up safe here.

"What are you thinking?" Jude asked.

"Thank you." Connor clutched his hand into the front of Jude's shirt. "For coming to get me."

"I want to be here for you," Jude said. "I don't want you to think any different."

Jude had to feel obligated to lie to him like that.

"Do you feel like coming out of the blanket?"

"No."

"Can I come under, then?"

Connor screwed his eyes shut, trying to force out the last of his tears and then he hurriedly wiped his cheeks on the front of his shirt. Two deep breaths later, and he held up the corner of the blanket so that Jude could duck his head underneath.

"It's warm in here," Jude said.

"That's why I like it."

Jude kissed his forehead. "Thank you for calling. I'm glad you aren't alone tonight."

Connor took hold of Jude's shirt again, his hand rising and falling along with Jude's breathing. "Me too."

Jude bent his head so that their foreheads were nearly touching. Connor could feel the whisper of Jude's breath against his neck and he shrunk into Jude's sweatshirt, readjusting himself so that he was curled into Jude. He felt the edge of vulnerability sharp against his back, but this was Jude. He thought that he might know Jude too, like Jude knew him. Slowly, they were able to emerge from the blanket and the hunkered into the couch like they normally did. Connor settled against the back of the couch. Instead of keeping Jude tight to his chest like he usually did, Connor allowed himself to be held this time. He wanted to see what it would feel like with Jude. So, he rested his head against Jude's shoulder, with Jude's arm curving around his back to his waist. He let himself be small. And he expected to feel scared. Or dominated. Or just little and insignificant.

Instead, Connor just felt the same overall feeling of comfort that he did when he walked out his dorm and saw Jude was there. Connor didn't understand it and to that effect, he wasn't even sure he entirely liked how Jude made him feel sometimes. Sometimes, the feelings Jude gave him were too far outside of his comfort zone. Connor liked his comfort zone.

He kept his mouth shut and his head down about it because all he wanted was to be able to be still. He had too many feelings that he needed to settle. He just wanted things to calm down until he could no longer feel the storm raging inside of him.

"I'm going to put something on for background noise," Jude murmured. "Unless you're really going to hate that?"

"No," Connor said. "I think it's going to be okay."

Jude found a cooking competition show, checking in with Connor that it was all right. Connor nodded.

"I, um, like the recipes," he said.

"Yeah? You think you could win one of these things?"

"Stress," Connor said. "And … exposure. He … I don't w-w-want h-h-him t-to ev-ever see me."

"He's in jail."

Connor sucked his lip into his mouth. "I … I … Do we ha-ha-ha-ve to, um, talk ab-about it?"

"No, baby, of course not. You're safe right here. I promise." Jude very gently squeezed Connor and rubbed his ribs. "You still doing okay?"

"Yeah." Strangely enough, Connor was becoming more sure about that.

It was soothing to lay against Jude, half-listening to the TV show and half-listening to Jude's heartbeat. He liked how steady even Jude's breathing was and how solid Jude was, just as a person. Just as anything. Jude was solid. Which was why Connor was so startled when Jude yawned.

"Are … Are you … Do you need to go to b-bed?"

"No, I don't have to. I want to be with you, as long as you want me to."

Connor shook his head. He couldn't do that to Jude. He couldn't make Jude sacrifice sleep for something so unimportant.

Jude kissed the top of his head. "If you want to go to bed and want the couch to yourself tonight, you tell me. If you want me to stay here, then you tell me. I want what you want."

That wasn't fair. It wasn't, but Connor was selfish. He wanted to grab onto Jude and hold him close. Which was hard. And conflicting. Because Connor also didn't want closeness. Because closeness ended in pain. His ex had taught him that. Connor didn't want to hurt again. He wanted to be safe but he wanted to be with Jude and if he was with Jude then he was both safe and in danger. Not because Jude wanted to hurt him but because people ended in pain. But then he'd called Jude anyway, instead of staying alone. Because he was selfish. Because he couldn't spend half a night without Jude. Because he was clingy and awful and there was absolutely nothing good about him.

"Oh, baby, what's wrong?"

Connor hid his face in the side of Jude's shirt. He didn't want to cry. He didn't want to do anything.

"You want me here?" Jude asked.

Connor nodded. He knew he shouldn't. But he nodded anyway.

"Then here I'll stay."

"It's … a small couch."

"Then, hold on tightly so I don't fall off," Jude said. He reached between them to hold Connor's hand. "You can be my otter."

Connor had to smile a little at that, and it felt wrong, because there were still tears that were clinging to the corners of his eyes that made his entire face feel like it was itching. Jude adjusted the blanket over the two of them.

"You're going to be okay, baby. I know it."

Jude knew it. Connor could try to believe it.

The chapter's title is after the song The Safest Place by LeAnne Rimes. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way