When Connor woke up the next morning, he was stiff. His face was sticky with dried tears and his whole body felt seized. He blinked, half-lifted his head off Jude's chest, and realized he felt like this because he hadn't moved all night. Neither had Jude. They were still holding hands and Jude's arm was still around him. Connor's breath skipped, because he knew, deep down, that he'd never really expected Jude to still be next to him when he got up in the morning. To wake up and know different … the knowledge almost tore Connor apart.

"Morning, baby."

Connor flinched.

"Sorry, Connor, I didn't mean to scare you."

"Um … h-h-h-how l-long h-have you … been aw … awake?"

"Maybe half an hour. I started flipping channels and I was worried it was going to wake you up but you were out. Did you have a good sleep?"

"I think so. You … you could've gone to bed."

"I did. Here, on the uncomfy couch," Jude said. "I should invest in a new one if this is going to become a thing."

"J-J-Jude –"

"It was just a joke, don't worry. Well, partly. I'd like a new couch, but not because of you."

Connor grabbed the edge of the plaid blanket and pulled it up over his head.

"Not funny, I guess. Okay. Do you want breakfast?"

"I can make something. What do you have?"

"I mean I'd make you something," Jude said. "It's not going to compare but I wouldn't be a good boyfriend if I didn't even try to cook for you once in a while. And I'm not totally hopeless in the kitchen. You've trained me a little." Jude rested his head on top of Connor's. "What do you say?"

"That it sounds good. Thank you." Connor emerged from the blanket to peek at Jude.

Jude kissed him gently. "I'll make coffee."

"Thank you." Connor grabbed Jude's sleeve as he went to sit up. "You …"

"What?"

"You're … still my boyfriend?"

"Of course, I am. I know we had a little disagreement last night but that doesn't mean we break up. You still matter to me like you did yesterday. And I'm really not upset about any of it. I know after last night this might not be the best question to ask so you don't have to answer, but, what would he say after a fight?"

Connor shrugged, trying to keep the memories at bay. Jude was right. It wasn't a good question, but Jude had asked. Connor needed to answer. "Um. He would leave. Sometimes after he got back, he'd tell me that he'd met someone new and that I was lucky he'd come back at all. Not that I deserved him coming back. He would … make me doubt everything. How the fight happened or if it happened at all. How he felt about me. I … could never trust any reality, Jude, because he'd change it and I would never know where to stand or how to stand and what was I supposed to do with that?! But what was I supposed to do without him, either? There was no winning. Not for me."

Connor thought he saw pity on Jude's face and he hid underneath the blanket before he could really feel Jude pitying him.

"I'm sorry I asked. I'll get coffee now, okay? Or did you want something else?"

"No, it's … okay."

Jude gently rubbed Connor's shoulder and then he stood up from the couch. Connor exhaled slowly. He couldn't spend this long falling apart. He just couldn't. It was time to pull it together, get over himself, and act normal. He had to act like a normal boyfriend and make it a good day, especially to make up for everything that had happened last night. He forced himself to stand up and pad into the kitchen along with Jude.

"I told you I'd serve you this morning," Jude said, turning to smile at him. "You can laze on the couch if you want."

"You always sit with me in the kitchen," Connor said. He leant against the portion of counter that Jude usually sat on. "And help me out somehow."

"I guess it is your turn to babysit the bacon."

"You know I can do that."

Jude reached out his hand and Connor took it. Warmth was radiating off Jude's palm and Jude ran his thumb over the back of Connor's hand.

"You seem a little better."

"Bad nights pass and then they come back." Connor shrugged, as if he could play it off. As if Jude wasn't perceptive and wouldn't know that Connor was still hurting, because Connor knew that he wasn't that good at hiding it. But he liked that Jude could see it. He liked that after a few short months, Jude knew him so well. "Thank you for coming last night. I … wouldn't be as close to okay as I am without you."

The words almost got stuck in Connor's throat. It was so hard to admit that he needed Jude because he shouldn't need Jude. He shouldn't need anyone anymore. He should never have needed anyone in the first place. But here they were, in Jude's kitchen, and Connor was so glad to have someone to rely on. Someone who he knew was going to be there when he called.

"Always," Jude said.

Connor shifted his grip on Jude's hand and tugged Jude to him before he even fully thought through his actions. Jude stood in front of him and then bent his head to kiss Connor's cheek. Connor wrapped his arms tightly around Jude's waist.

"Thank you," he said again. "I really, really mean it. Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me. It's what I'm here for."

"Yes, I do," Connor whispered.

"I just want to know you're safe and doing okay. That's what a relationship is … to me at least."

"Thank you for saying that too."

"You're okay," Jude told him yet again.

Jude kissed Connor's forehead, but Connor reached up to touch the edge of Jude's jaw. Jude paused, and Connor tilted his head back to give Jude a kiss on the lips. It was a small kiss, but Connor felt lighter. Jude smiled at him, and that made Connor feel lighter too.

"I never got to tell you this last night," Jude said, "but you look really cute in your own jammies."

Connor hugged his arms around himself. "It's … your sweatshirt."

"And you look good in my clothes too."

Connor blinked. "You always say I look good."

"Because you always do. C'mon, let's start the coffee."

Connor nodded, even though they both knew that Jude would make the coffee on his own. So, Connor started the bacon. It had to cook nice and slow to taste as good as it should. The routine of making breakfast was nice. Connor and Jude sipped at their coffee as they cooked bacon and eggs. Jude didn't own a toaster, so he popped a couple of bread slices into the oven. He let the oven hang open slightly, and turned back to the eggs.

"They're almost done. How's the bacon?"

"Almost done," Connor said. "How did you sleep?"

"Okay. Couch isn't the most comfortable spot but …" Jude shrugged. "You sleep like a log, though. I don't think you moved all night."

"You didn't either."

"Didn't have anywhere to go."

Connor stared at Jude's smile for several long seconds before it clicked that Jude was just teasing him. Jude wasn't mad at him for the two of them sleeping on Jude's couch. Jude said he wasn't mad at Connor for anything, and Connor really wanted to believe that.

"So, for later," Jude began, but Connor let out a squawk.

"There's smoke!"

"What?" Jude turned his back on Connor to see dark smoke curling out of the oven. "Oh, no! The toast!"

A blaring started as Jude ripped the pan from the oven. He threw it haphazardly on top of the burners and grabbed one of the dish towels hanging from the front of the oven. Connor felt helpless as he watched Jude beat the air around the smoke detector, and then the night and the image got to him, and he let out a small chuckle in spite of himself. It was the only sound left in the room as the smoke detector quieted.

"So, unfortunately, I think I burnt the toast." Jude grinned, and then he shook his head. "What's that look for? Did you hate my towel moves that much? Or are you just making fun of the fact that you would never burn the toast?"

"You seem very … used to using the towel."

"Hey! I don't burnt things that often." Jude bent over the stove and poked at the bread. "But this one is really burnt."

Connor shifted the bacon off the burner and then moved around Jude to also move the eggs. "We don't want to burn anything else."

"Thanks for looking out for me." Jude caught Connor's cheek with a kiss. "But I'm glad burning the toast made you smile."

"I'm not laughing at you," Connor clarified.

"I know. Do you want to try toast, take two?"

Connor looked at the blackened bread. "Um. Maybe we should do breakfast without toast."

"That sounds smart to me."

They made up their plates and took their stools. Jude sat first and Connor took the one right next to him, even though he thought that Jude was expecting to keep a stool between the two of them. There was something in Jude's body language that made him think it – the respectful way that Jude kept himself contained to his own seat, perhaps – and then the way that Jude let a smile on his face and how he hooked his foot along the bottom rung of Connor's stool once Connor had sat. Connor didn't understand why Jude would think that Connor would leave space between them after last night. Connor's bubble included Jude now.

"What were you saying before the beeper?" Connor asked.

"Oh. I was going to ask if there was anything you wanted to do later."

"I thought you worked today."

"Tonight. From six to midnight. But we've got a few hours. If there was anything …"

"No. I still feel drained and not really myself. Can I stay here?"

"Of course, you can. For as long as you want. Did you want to stay here tonight too?"

"I'm not sure yet. Is … is that okay?"

"Of course, baby. Take your time." Jude's foot rubbed against Connor's. "Do you like your eggs?"

"Yes. Thank you."

When they finished breakfast, Jude tucked the dishes into the dishwasher and turned it on. Connor pulled on the sleeve of his hoodie until Jude took his hand and they sat back down on the couch. Jude stretched his feet out on the table and Connor pulled the blanket around him before snuggling under Jude's arm. It was like nothing had changed between his arrival last night and now.

"I need to call my dad," Connor said.

"Sure." Jude stretched around and picked up Connor's backpack. "Do you want space to do that?"

Connor grabbed the front of Jude's shirt. "Please, no."

"Then here I sit. He's got to be worried about you."

"No," Connor murmured. "I, um, didn't tell him anything about last night. I just … I just called you."

And it was wrong, he knew, to rely on Jude this way.

"Thanks for trusting me," Jude said.

Connor didn't know what to say to that, so he simply held Jude's hand as he dialled his father.

"Good morning, Connor. How are you?"

"I had a bad night," Connor admitted.

"You should have called me if you needed help," Adam said. "You didn't have to be alone."

"Oh. I-I-I wasn't. I called Jude. I spent the night with him." Connor's voice trailed off into a whisper.

"Oh. Are you feeling better?"

"I think so."

"Jude helped?"

"Yes."

"Then that's what matters."

Connor frowned. "Are … I mean, is there something else, Dad?"

"No, no," Adam said. "I just mean that it's good you're fine and I'm glad Jude could help. Do you want to talk about what made last night hard?"

"Him. It's always him."

"I know. Is there anything else you want to talk about? Do you want me to see if Dr. Scott is available?"

"No, no. It wasn't that bad. It was just … normal bad. I mean, a little worse than normal bad but not that bad."

Against his side, Jude shifted. Connor went to sit up, in case Jude needed to get up, but Jude held him firmly. He looked up at Jude's face, skimming his gaze along Jude's morning stubble and soft lips to his eyes. Jude didn't look annoyed or anything. And when caught Connor's gaze, Jude tried his best to smile, and then he softly kissed Connor's forehead.

"Do you need anything?"

"Um, no. I j-just wanted to talk to you," Connor said. "Just to check in."

"I'm glad you did call. I was just doing some work and I was glad for the distraction. How's Jude?"

"He's good," Connor said.

"I'm looking forward to meeting him after hearing about him for so long."

"I think you'll like him, Dad. How … How's home?"

"I'm thinking of getting a pet."

"Really?"

"Really. Maybe some fish. Not something that's going to need too much attention."

Connor tried not to think bitter thoughts about that. No, of course his father couldn't handle anything that needed attention. If he couldn't raise a son, he certainly couldn't raise a puppy. But Connor knew his thoughts weren't fair. The time after his mother's death was hard and Connor hadn't been a good son either. He'd just wanted his mother and both he and Adam knew that Adam would never live up to that standard.

"A fish could be nice."

"I could get a nice aquarium. Anyway, that's something I'd think about for a while."

"Yeah," Connor said. "That makes sense."

"How's school going? Still good? How do you feel about exams?"

"It's good. Nervous for exams and for second term to start."

"What class are you most looking forward to?" Adam asked.

"I … decided to take a poetry class," Connor said. "Um … one of my professors dropped out for next term and I couldn't fit anything else I really needed into my schedule. Do you think it's okay?"

"I think it's great. That's what university is for – trying new things and learning as much as you can."

"Thanks, Dad," Connor said.

"I'm here for you, Connor. Is there anything else?"

"No."

"I'll let you go, then. I love you."

"You too," Connor replied.

Connor hung up the phone and let out a settling sigh. Jude rubbed his arm.

"How's your dad?"

"He's okay," Connor said. "He asked about you, and I like that he did."

"I like it too," Jude said. "So, poetry class? You never told me about that."

"Oh. Um, it just happened. And it fit where I wanted it too in my schedule. I don't even think I'll like it."

"Try it, anyway."

"Thanks, Dad," Connor joked, and it felt good to joke. It felt good to make Jude laugh and to look at the sunlight that was coming in through Jude's few windows, illuminating Jude's small cactus pot. It was daylight and there was no danger and he was allowed to laugh with Jude.

"Maybe you'll become a great poet," Jude said. "You never know."

"I can kind of guess."

"At the very least, you can find some great poetry to read to me. You know I love it when you read to me."

"I haven't in a while."

"Doesn't mean you never will. We still have a little bit of reading left for Kroeger's class. Maybe I can talk you into it …"

"But not today."

"No," Jude agreed. "Today is Saturday and we're just meant to laze around until I have to go to work."

"At six."

"At six," Jude confirmed. "And if you want to hang around, don't worry about it."

"Thank you. Will you have a break tonight?"

"Yeah," Jude said. "I can come back and spend a few minutes with you."

"I can make you dinner," Connor offered.

"Don't put too much effort into it," Jude told him. "You can just make a little extra of whatever you want and I can heat it up when I get here."

"Hmm," Connor mused. "Jude?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you really forgive me for last night?"

"Of course! One hundred percent. We just had a bad night at the restaurant. Nothing to worry about." Jude nuzzled his head against Connor's. "Are you still upset about it?"

"I don't know. More worried that you're mad at me, I think."

"I'm not mad. Not at all."

"Promise?"

"Promise." Jude nudged his fingers against Connor's so that their pinkies interlocked. "Pinkie promise. It's even better."

Connor smiled and contorted to hold Jude's hand tightly. He burrowed into his blanket and hid against Jude's side. He was content to stay there and would have stayed there for too long, had Jude not eventually had to kiss his forehead and tell Connor he had to shower before work.

"And I don't think you want me to start stinking up the place either," Jude said.

"Well, it's your house," Connor reasoned. "If you wanted to smell, I guess you could."

"Ah, but you might not want to hang around me and that's kind of important to me."

Jude stood up from the couch and Connor sat there awkwardly. What was he supposed to do while Jude was in the shower? Jude didn't head straight for the bathroom – instead, he went to gather some clothes from his dresser. Connor decided to take a chance and ask that exact question.

"Whatever you want, baby. Watch TV, cook, play with my tablet if you want to. I don't mind. If you even want to leave, go ahead, but if you're going to go. I'd like to say goodbye."

"I don't want to go back to my room," Connor admitted.

"Then stay as long as you want. I shouldn't be too long."

Connor laid down on the couch as he heard the bathroom door shut. No, Jude wouldn't take long to shower, but after that, he would have to go to work. Connor had no reason to linger here, except for the fact that he didn't want to be in his dorm room. He knew it was stupid and he knew that he shouldn't think it, but he couldn't help but feel that when he went back to his room, the nightmare would be waiting. Like it was a physical, malicious thing that he couldn't be rid of. It was safe at Jude's … as long as Jude were here. Connor knew that he just didn't want to be alone. He knew that he had to learn how to be, but it was the last thing that he wanted to do. He really just wanted to be with another person. Someone that could protect him, since he could not protect himself. He didn't move until Jude came out of the shower, dressed in clean blue jeans and his work shirt. Jude settled on the end of the couch by Connor's feet.

"I think you deserve a lazy day, baby," Jude said, his hand resting against Connor's calf.

"I should do something," Connor protested. "I … I'm not used to doing nothing. I … don't like it."

"Sometimes just living is hard enough," Jude said. "But don't be afraid to poke around and find something to do."

Connor sat up and rested his hand over Jude's. "What time do you think that you'll be on break?"

"Uhhhh … probably between nine and ten."

"I'll see you then."

Jude bent forward and Connor softly pecked him on the lips. "Have fun at work."

"I'll do my best. I don't think Jason's working tonight so at least I'll have a boring night, not an annoying night."

"Be optimistic," Connor whispered.

"Take your own advice," Jude teased. "Okay. I've gotta go. See you in a few hours. Don't be afraid to shower or anything."

Connor nodded. "See you later."

Jude left and Connor felt the silence press in on him, even though the room wasn't completely quiet. He got off the couch and double-checked that Jude had locked the door behind him, even though Connor had heard the lock click. Then, he stood in the middle of Jude's apartment, wondering what to do with himself and what would be acceptable for him to do. He didn't want to cross any boundaries. He tucked his hands inside of his sleeves. He had showered last night, but he felt gross. He had been sweaty during his nightmares and he had vomited last night and his face still felt crusty with tears. He touched his hair. It was getting long and it needed to be cleaned more often to look okay. And Jude had talked about smells. Connor didn't want to smell.

But Connor knew that showering in Jude's apartment was going to be an ordeal for him, because everything was an ordeal for him. He made himself walk into the bathroom. He had a couple of hours before Jude had his break. Surely he could be clean by then.

Right?

Right.

It was the quickest shower that he'd probably ever taken in his life. He used the smallest amount of Jude's shampoo and body wash as he could manage while actually getting clean. He tried not to do what he normally did after his nightmares, which was to turn the water to boiling and to scrub his body to the point where his skin went red, as if that simple cleansing could get rid of everything that was haunting him. He dried himself off thoroughly and made sure to put the towel back exactly as he'd found it. He didn't want to disrupt anything.

He found clothes in his backpack. He only half-remembered the frenzied packing of the night before, and he was glad he'd remembered to put something in the bag. He put on jeans and a clean shirt, though he pulled Jude's sweater back over his head. He hadn't brought his own sweater and, in all honesty, he thought of this one as more comforting than any of the sweaters that he owned. He left the bathroom, and Jude's basement apartment had gone completely dark. He went straight into the kitchen to see what Jude might have to make for dinner. Jude deserved to have something good. Connor found enough things to make a vegetarian spaghetti sauce and he set about to make it. He didn't put music on. He just wanted silence.

He also wanted to be able to hear if something was coming, but he didn't want that thought in his head. He didn't want to think about anything coming after him at all. Connor did most of his ingredient prep where he could see the front door. There was only one way into Jude's apartment, and Connor kept a sharp eye on it. He doubted his ex would be able to find him, especially while still behind bars, but he also knew that there was no good reason for paranoia and that he just had to obey his weird little quirks. It made his mind feel more settled.

He worked slowly, taking the time to make sure that everything was cut into similar sized pieces. It was methodical and soothing and time consuming, so that Connor didn't really have much time to worry about what to do next because he also decided to make garlic bread to go with the spaghetti and he had just pulled it out of the oven when Jude unlocked the front door and walked back into the house.

"Something smells really good!" Jude said.

"Probably the garlic bread."

"Probably!"

Connor started filling bowls with spaghetti and sauce. "How's work?"

"It's me and Benjamin tonight, so that's a good thing."

"That's the guy you're going to the concert with," Connor mused. "Next weekend?"

"Yeah. Well, we'll leave Friday night and be back sometime on Saturday. Hopefully before three because I work three to ten." Jude laughed. "I … kind of forgot to book the time off."

"I'm sure you'll be back on time."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, baby." Jude grinned at him as Connor slid into the seat beside him. "Thanks for dinner."

"Thank you for letting me stay here."

"Whenever you need. Finding enough to do?"

Connor shrugged. "I … showered and made dinner. I-I don't know what I'll do when you leave again."

"What would make you happy to do?"

"I don't know. My stomach feels weird and I keep feeling like I'm going to turn around and be in a nightmare and I don't even think I can be happy right now."

"That's fair." Jude spun his fork through his spaghetti. "What would make you the least unhappy? Is that a better question?"

"It's weird to answer," Connor said honestly, because he and Jude were honest with each other. "I'm in your place, not mine. So, rules are different."

"There's no skeletons in my closet," Jude said. "Mostly because I don't have a closet."

Connor laughed. "No. I guess you don't have a closet here."

"So, what would you be doing if you were at home? Because I'm sure you can do that here."

"Probably clean everything and reorganize my sock drawer." Connor stared down at the counter, clearing away a spot of sauce with his thumb. "Because there's no therapy like putting things in completely order and knowing they have a place."

"That makes sense, though it does make me a jerk."

"What?"

"Because I basically just told you to clean my apartment." Jude bumped his knee against Connor's. "Which was not my intention."

Connor stared at Jude's knee, letting his leg relax against Jude's. "I know. You didn't ask. I asked for it. Which is how it always seems to go," he whispered.

Jude rubbed Connor's shoulder. "It's okay. If you want to clean, go ahead, but don't feel like you have to."

"I feel like it's the only thing I can do," Connor confessed.

"Then go ahead. It's okay with me. But, maybe stay out of my dresser? I just feel like you sorting my socks is just too much for us at this point."

Jude was grinning happily at him and Connor was comforted by how often Jude looked happy and how Jude looked at him. He didn't feel like he had to say anything, and he was happy to just duck his head and finish his spaghetti while they sat side by side. It seemed like Jude had just arrived home when his phone alarm started buzzing.

"Break's over," Jude said. "Thanks for supper. I'll see you soon."

"See you," Connor said.

Jude made it to the door and then he turned around quickly. "And I mean it, don't feel like you have to clean anything. I'm not going to stop you if that's what you want but it's my apartment and that's not your job. Feel free to just lay on the couch and watch TV if that's what you want to do. Don't feel you have to clean."

Connor tapped his fingers on the table. "That … I know. I know. You keep saying. And sometimes … Um … Um …" Connor took a deep breath and rushed his words, knowing that Jude had to get back to work, "Um. Most of the time I like how comforting you are about it and that you say it once or twice but when you say it so much it feels like you're talking to a child and I'm not a child, Jude. I don't want you to see me as a kid."

"I don't, I promise. I just misspoke. I really have to go but I promise we'll talk about it when I get home, okay?"

"Okay."

"Do what makes you happiest and it's okay with me." Jude grinned at him and then, to Connor's surprise, Jude blew him a kiss.

That made Connor feel warm all over, even as Jude shut and locked the door. Connor compulsively checked that the door was locked and then he went to gather up their dinner dishes. He'd start there and see where that took him.

(-.-)

Jude was happy to finally be able to leave work that night. He'd tried to keep his mind from wandering to Connor throughout his entire shift, but it just hadn't worked out like that. He was worried about his boyfriend, and he felt like he had good reason to be. The thing that bothered Jude the most was that he didn't know how to help Connor. He felt completely helpless. He couldn't offer physical comfort, because that might trigger a bad memory, but he also didn't have the words – if there even were any words! – to help him.

He unlocked and opened his front door slowly. His kitchen and main living room light were both on, but he didn't see Connor. Jude glanced at his open bathroom door, and then called his boyfriend's name. He went to kick off his shoes haphazardly like he normally did, but then he noticed that the few pairs of footwear he owned had been carefully lined up and the floor around them swept and cleaned.

"Kitchen."

Jude removed his shoes and placed them purposefully next to the last ones in line. He headed into the kitchen, inspecting his apartment as he went. His coffee table had been cleaned, as had his floors and rug. It looked as though his TV had been dusted, along with his bookshelf and the top of his dresser. His bed had been made, and Jude hadn't realized just how many pillows and blankets he had until he saw them all organized on his bed. Usually he let things be kicked around and thrown to all corners of the large bed and he just grabbed whatever blanket was closest when he flopped into bed and found whatever number of pillows he wanted. Usually he ended up with a wall of blankets at the bottom of his mattress, just because of the way he sometimes moved around while sleeping.

Jude moved into the kitchen. These floors had been cleaned too, along with the counters. The sink had been scrubbed until shining, and Jude noticed his walls and fridge had been wiped down. Connor was sitting on the floor, scrubbing at a red-brown stain on the front of the oven.

"Hey," Jude said, sitting down next to him. "This place looks great. I can't believe you did this in, like, three hours."

Connor shrugged. "It felt good. I … I mean, he had a house. I h-h-had a whole house to keep clean. This … This isn't anything. Except for this stain. This stain is something and I don't r-r-really, um, know if it's, um, gonna c-c-come out."

"Don't worry about it too much," Jude said.

"N-n-no. It's … the only thing I have left and it's going to come out." Connor scrubbed the front of the oven more roughly.

"It looks like it's fading," Jude said supportively.

Connor bit down on his bottom lip. With one last burst of energy, he managed to get the stain off the front of the oven. He sat back in relief, and then Jude watched his face crumble.

"What is it?"

"It was supposed to be done before you got home," Connor whispered. "It wasn't."

"It practically was! And you got so much done! And thank you, for all of the cleaning you did. I really appreciate it."

Connor glanced at Jude quickly, before looking downward. The tops of his cheekbones went slightly red. He exhaled and wiped his hand across his brow, where Jude noticed a few droplets of perspiration.

"You must've been working hard," Jude said.

"A little." Connor shrugged. "But it wasn't a big deal."

"Do you feel better?"

"Yes," Connor said. "Yes. This was what I needed."

He did look more relaxed. Jude reached out and touched the top of Connor's hand. This time, when Connor looked up at him, their eyes stayed locked.

"You want a new sweatshirt?" Jude offered. "You've probably got that one a little gross."

"I like this one," Connor said defensively, which made Jude smirk.

"I have a bunch of Anchor Beach sweatshirts," Jude said. "You can have your pick."

"Thanks, Jude."

Connor followed Jude over to the dresser and Jude dug out another one of his high school sweaters, which was fairly similar to the one that he was wearing. Connor took it from his hands hesitantly and the touched the hem of the sweater he was wearing. His face hardening in resolve, he took off the sweatshirt he was wearing in front of Jude, which Jude hadn't expected. Connor had a hard weekend, and Jude knew what that meant. It meant regression to an earlier time, where Connor was more broken than he was now. It meant Connor being more unsure about how close he and Jude could get in that moment. And Connor hardly let Jude see his forearms now. But there he was, pulling the old sweatshirt off, lifting the t-shirt he was wearing underneath of it up slightly so that Jude caught sight of the ab muscles that he had traced through Connor's clothing, and tried to recreate in his mind on more occasions than he cared to admit. Jude tried to keep his reaction to a minimum and made himself shift his eyes away once Connor had the sweatshirt over his head and was straightening his shirt. Jude ended up looking at the burn on Connor's forearm, because that scar made his stomach churn like almost nothing else did. Jude's own arm always hurt in response to seeing it.

Connor put the new sweatshirt on and tucked his hands in the front pocket. "How's this one look?"

"Great. You look great." Jude stretched, putting his hands on his lower back. "Let's sit, okay?"

"Right. Your back bothers you after work!"

"It's not as if it's really painful, though. Not the end of the world if I have to stand for another few minutes."

Jude dropped into his spot on the couch. "Come sit with me, baby?"

Connor nodded. Jude bent his knees, trying to work some of the stiffness of a six hour shift out of his muscles. Connor pulled Jude's arm around his waist and tucked his head against Jude's shoulder. His eyes shut and Jude watched his face, wondering if Connor could have fallen asleep that quickly. But Connor wasn't sleeping. His nose wrinkled and he sat up.

"What is it?"

"Your shirt smells like … something weird."

"Because it's a work shirt and they never smell normal." Jude shrugged. "And I should probably change out of it. Give me two seconds, kay?"

Connor nodded. He picked up the TV remote. "May I?"

"Go ahead."

Jude grabbed an old t-shirt from his dresser. He tilted his head to look at Connor, thinking that it would be nothing to change shirts standing right here. Connor wasn't even looking at him; he probably wouldn't even notice. But Jude knew that if Connor did notice, then the situation might change. It was also nothing to take three steps into his small bathroom, take six seconds to pull off one shirt and pull on another, throwing his work-shirt into the tiny hamper that he had crammed in between the wall and his toilet. This was the better option. Connor had spent the last several hours cleaning. He shouldn't just throw a shirt on the ground. It was rude.

"What'd we find to watch?" Jude called.

"It's a cooking show," Connor said. "I'm getting bored with the recipes I know."

"And I don't want to think about the amount of recipes that you've got stored in your head." Jude leant his arms on the back of the couch, his head next to Connor's. Connor quickly jerked his head away from Jude's, his eyes landing on Jude's hands. "I'm not going to touch you, baby."

"Hmm," Connor said.

"Hmm," Jude mimicked.

"What if I want you to touch me?"

"Should've said I'm not going to touch your head," Jude amended. "Might kiss it though."

He was able to press a kiss to Connor's temple before Connor tilted his head again. Jude was glad to see that he was smiling. Whatever had happened in the three hours that he was alone, there was some kind of peace that had been brought to Connor in that time. Something had shifted, for the better. Jude hopped over the back of the couch to settle in next to Connor again.

"See a recipe you like?"

"I don't know. There was one for salmon, but I don't usually cook salmon."

"You don't like it?"

"No, I like it," Connor said. "But he … w-w-wasn't big on fish. I just never … got to make it. And I don't want to get it wrong."

"Isn't that half the fun?"

"What's fun about a mistake?"

"Well, dating me was probably a mistake but I think you like it sometimes," Jude teased.

Connor frowned. "I don't like it when you do that."

"Do what?"

Connor turned on the couch and Jude was struck by the seriousness in his eyes. "I've made my mistake, Jude, and you're not it. There's nothing about you that is a mistake. And, no matter what happens to us in the end, I know, even now, that there's nothing I'm going to regret about this. You've helped me heal so much. You're just … so much. But you're not a mistake."

I love you, Jude wanted to say, because that was all he felt.

"You might think I'm the mistake," Connor added.

"No, never," Jude said. "I wish I could say that as well as you did."

Connor put his head on Jude's shoulder and held his hand. "You don't always have to say it. Sometimes, I can just feel it."

Jude rubbed his thumb across the back of Connor's hand, a bolt of fear in his heart. He waited for it to fade, because Connor couldn't know what Jude felt. He just couldn't. Not because he thought that he was hiding it well, but just because Jude knew how well Connor did with emotionally cues. It would never occur to Connor that Jude felt anything, because Connor wouldn't want Jude too and he just wouldn't think that Jude might have already fallen in love. He trusted that Jude was going to be honest with him – because wasn't that what Jude had done in the past? – and that also bothered Jude. Not saying 'I love you' wasn't something that Jude would consider a lie, necessarily, but more something done out of self-preservation and the relationship that he and Connor had. He knew that he and Connor both liked the way their relationship was and Jude knew that neither were ready for it to change. Connor had already done so much to get to this point, and it was fast. Jude knew it was fast.

"Oh!" Connor said. "I think I like how that looks."

"Philly cheesesteak," Jude said. "Looks good."

"Maybe next time I make dinner for you," Connor mused. "If you think you'd like it."

"I am here to be your culinary guinea pig," Jude said. He kissed Connor's cheek. "I think I'd like it if you made me salmon."

"It won't be good."

"But the more times you make it, the better it will be. Make what you want. I'm here to taste test."

"And let me clean your apartment."

"That makes you sound like you're my maid."

"Cleaning made me happy," Connor insisted, but Jude fully believed it.

"Is there anything else that would make you happy?"

Connor tilted his head back and looked up at Jude. "Anything at all?"

Jude scrunched his nose. "Are you going to ask for an elephant again?"

"When did I … Oh! I forgot about that," Connor said. "Why? Did you bring me home an elephant?"

"No. Sorry to disappoint."

Connor shrugged. "There's still time until Christmas. Um … n-n-not that you have to get me, um, anything."

"I think there might be something for you on Christmas. Not saying whether or not it's an elephant though."

"That's fair. Christmas presents are good surprises."

"Yeah, they are. So? Is there anything else that would make you happy?"

Connor suddenly seemed shy. Jude nudged his shoulder against Connor's, until Connor looked back at him, scrunched nose and all.

"You could try kissing me," he whispered.

Jude slid his arm firmly around Connor, bending his head to press his lips to his boyfriend's. He didn't let the first kiss linger, trying to gauge what Connor wanted. He felt Connor's hand rest against his chest, but he didn't push, so Jude went for another kiss; a longer kiss. Some part of his soul always felt satisfied when he kissed Connor. He felt the familiar want to push. He wanted to touch the abs that he had just gotten his first glimpse of, and not through the thick folds of a sweater or the thin creases of a t-shirt. He wanted to touch Connor, skin on skin. He wanted to see Connor's scars, and not just because of the morbid curiousity that he nurtured, but because he wanted to kiss the length of all of them, as if he could erase everything that had been done to his boyfriend. He wanted to create new memories for Connor, and give him better things to think of. He didn't want Connor to hate the thought of being touched, because Jude wanted to touch him.

He wanted Connor to love him, in more ways than one.

Connor gently brushed his fingers through Jude's hair and then he leant away. Jude just stared at him, feeling muddled. His feelings were clear to him, but his own logic was not. Connor's logic was not. Jude needed to figure out what the line was between overprotecting Connor and being considerate of Connor's feelings.

"You look like you're thinking something," Connor said.

"I'm thinking I like the way you kiss."

Connor chuckled and he tucked himself in Jude's arms.

"And I like how we talk about things," Jude said. "And I like when you read to me. And I like how you laugh. And I like how you trust me. And I like that my family likes you."

"Hmm …" Connor murmured, letting out a contented sounding sigh.

"And I like your cooking. And I like your jokes."

"I don't make jokes," Connor said.

"And I like how you hate cinnamon on your fries –"

"There's no good reason for it! There are good things to do with cinnamon but that's not one of them! It's rude to cinnamon and fries."

"And I like your passion."

"You don't have to compliment me like this."

"Are you saying you don't like it?"

"Just saying don't feel like you have to."

"I don't feel like I have to," Jude said. "I feel like you're in a place where you need to be reminded of it. And I'm happy to say it, because I want you to know it."

"You're too nice."

"Oops." Jude nuzzled his face against the top of Connor's head.

"That tickles!" Connor whined.

"Oops."

"Oops," Connor repeated, and then he yawned.

"Tired, baby?"

"A little," he murmured. "I think I want to go to sleep."

"Sure. Want me to bunk on the couch with you again?"

"Kind of," Connor whispered, sounding ashamed of it. "But … I think I need to sleep by myself. I can't stay here during the week."

"You can't?"

"I've been here too long. I need to learn to be myself and be okay with that. I need to be a person and not rely on you for everything. Tomorrow, I go home."

"Yes."

"Late tomorrow," Connor amended, and he peeked up at Jude.

"Yes," Jude confirmed. "Whatever you want. Don't feel like you could possibly overstay your welcome."

"Don't underestimate me," Connor said. "But I want to be a person and really feel like a functional person, you know?"

"I know." Jude kissed Connor's forehead. "Going to bed right now?"

"Soon," Connor said. "I'd like to within the hour. That's … That's not interrupting your night, is it?"

"Nah. We don't want to get in the habit of going to bed in the middle of the night."

"That's true."

"Let's watch an episode of something and then go to bed?" Jude suggested.

"Sure."

They watched an episode of the tattoo show about cover-ups, and Jude had to admit that he was almost too sleepy to make it through. He hadn't thought that he was as tired as he was, but he was glad to stand up off the couch and get ready for bed.

"And thank you for making my bed," Jude added. "I only half do that when I wash my sheets."

"Um … Do I … Do I w-w-want to know how often that is?"

Jude laughed. He picked up one of the plumper pillows and handed it to his boyfriend. "As often as I wash my pillowcases."

Connor took the pillow and looked down at the light blue pillowcase. He turned it over in his hands and Jude chuckled at the expression on his face.

"I don't know. I try not to go more than three months because that's gross."

Connor's eyebrows shot upward. "That's what you consider gross?"

"Unless something horrific happens. More often in the summer, I guess, when I start to sweat. Why? What do you consider gross?"

"A week."

"A week!?"

Connor shrugged. "Three months is a little longer."

"A week is a little short."

Connor pressed the pillow tightly against his chest. Jude watched him cross his arms around the pillow. "I … The habit wasn't started by me."

Ah. Jude might have guessed, but sometimes it was hard to tell what Connor's natural tendencies were and what might have been engrained in him throughout the years with the ex. Jude leant forward and kissed his forehead.

"It's not your fault. It's not that weird."

Connor dipped his head shook it. "You know, you thought it was weird before you knew that it wasn't entirely my decision. Either it's weird or it's not."

"I didn't mean it like that, Connor."

"Then how? I'm not a kid, Jude. I told you earlier."

"I know. And I'm sorry for making you feel like I was being condescending earlier. And we didn't get to talk about it. Do you want to know? I'm sorry. I know you're tired."

Connor had a little smile on his face, which caught Jude off guard. Connor reached out and rubbed the top of Jude's head, and Jude leant into Connor's touch. "Don't apologize too much. That's my job."

"And my impulse is to say 'sorry'." Jude reached out and tugged at Connor's sleeve, pulling him a few steps closer. "Do you think I treat you like a kid?"

"I think you try to protect me. I don't think that's inherently bad." Connor finally huddled into Jude's chest, the pillow creating a buffer between the two of them that was too wide for Jude's tastes. "I think there, um, is a line. And sometimes you cross it. But I think you know when you do."

"I try to. I try to be aware. I don't think of you as a kid."

"Promise?"

"If you were a kid, I wouldn't feel right about kissing you, but I definitely feel right about kissing you."

Connor pressed his face into the side of Jude's shoulder and mumbled something that Jude didn't quite catch, but almost sounded like, "I was fifteen."

Jude's heart sunk, because it seemed like had done a lot wrong today. He hoped that he'd done a lot right since he'd gone to pick up Connor last night. He hoped that his rights outweighed his wrongs and that his wrongs weren't that heavy. He didn't want to do that to Connor. He knew he often miss-stepped and he hated it every time that he did because Connor didn't deserve that.

"I just don't want you to be worried too much about it. And I want to talk about it if you are."

Connor lifted his head. "I think I'm okay, Jude."

"Promise?"

"Yeah."

"Wake me up if you feel too upset tonight."

Connor's expression soured, but Jude wasn't surprised. Connor didn't like to disturb anyone; it made sense that Connor wouldn't want to wake him. Jude kissed the side of his head anyway.

"If you need me, wake me. Say you'll try."

"I'll try," Connor echoed confidently. "Goodnight kiss?"

Jude pressed a lingering kiss to Connor's lips. "Do you need another pillow or blanket? A made bed puts things in perspective and I have eight million of each."

"You do have a lot."

"And I'll probably keep collecting more."

"Could I have one more blanket, please?"

"Of course."

When making his bed, Connor had spread a lot of the blankets along the bed like they were supposed to be. There were a lot there, though, and Connor had folded the rest of them across the bottom of his bed. Jude quickly felt through the blankets to find the softest one and the one that he thought would bring Connor the most comfort. Jude pulled it out of the pile and wrapped it around Connor's shoulders. He looked adorable, in his baggy pyjama pants and Jude's long sweater, holding his pillow and his blanket. Jude wished Connor were going to be curling into bed together. He wanted to hold Connor in his arms, like he had last night and his birthday weekend. He didn't know if anything was amazing in the way that waking up to Connor in his arms, his light eyes still full of sleep as he peered up at Jude, was amazing.

Jude kissed Connor again and didn't let any of those feelings slip. Beds and sex were interrelated, and Jude couldn't push physicality on Connor. That was all his ex had done and Jude was not going to repeat those actions.

"Have a good sleep, baby."

"You too, Jude."

Jude took his time rearranging some of his pillows against the wall and peeling back blankets. He didn't want to immediately destroy the effort that Connor had put into making his bed and falling asleep in a freshly made bed was one of the few pleasures in life that Jude's slight laziness denied him. He sat down just as Connor spreading his hands over his pillowcase. He turned his blankets down and then he looked at Jude.

"Um … is … is there a light I can leave on?"

"Uh, yeah," Jude said, his mind scrambling to try and figure out what would be the best light to leave on. "The … tall one in the corner. I think it's got a dim switch on it, so it shouldn't bother you."

"Okay, thanks."

Jude reached to the end of his bed and started pulling the curtains close around his bed. He'd become accustomed to the curtains and he liked the way that they blocked the light out so completely. It had gotten to the point that when he went home, the lack of curtains bothered him, and he didn't sleep in his old bed as comfortably as he used to. He knew that the light from the lamp would probably bother him, but he still kept a section of his curtains open. He didn't want to seal himself off from Connor. He wanted to be able to peek out and see his boyfriend sleeping happily and he wanted Connor to feel like he could come up to Jude if something happened in the middle of the night.

With that, Jude turned off his bedside lamp and snuggled into his blankets. He rearranged some of the pillows and then closed his eyes. He thought of Connor taking the time to make up his bed for him, and the domestic notion of it made him smile.

The chapter's title is after the song Set Sail by Frances. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~