Jude bolted upright, unsure of what had startled him from his sleep. There was nothing immediately that seemed wrong, so he started to lean back into his pillows. A loud noise filled the apartment and It took Jude's tired brain a moment to realize that it was Connor. Jude quickly shoved the curtains on his bed back.

"Connor?"

But Connor was still asleep. His face was distorted, like someone in extreme pain. He yanked the blanket over his head with a loud, "NO!"

Jude was paralyzed. He didn't know how to wake Connor. He didn't want to touch him. Jude knew that would be the worst thing he could do. But he didn't know if he should talk to him or what else he could do. Jude turned on the overhead lights, hoping that it would disrupt something in Connor's dream, but there was nothing. Jude kept his distance from the couch and started calling out Connor's name, softly, at first, but then it grew louder as Connor didn't respond. And Jude just couldn't take the pain on Connor's face as Connor grew increasingly restless on the couch.

"Connor!"

Connor's eyes flashed open and he sat up, falling off the couch in an ungraceful motion. Something hit the table with a crack that made Jude cringe and he rushed to Connor.

"Are you okay?"

Connor was rubbing his elbow, struggling for breath.

"I'm sorry I scared you," Jude whispered. "Are you okay?"

Connor whipped his head from side to side. "He was here!"

"What?"

"I saw him!"

"Connor, there's no one here."

"It was so real," he whimpered, and his face crumbled in the way that Jude knew tears were coming.

"I'll talk a walk around," Jude said, even though there weren't many places in the apartment to check, and he doubted that anyone could walk in the front door without him noticing.

But it wasn't about how much sense Connor made; it was about his mental well-being. Jude dutifully checked that the front door was still locked. Connor was watching him through teary eyes as Jude looped around the living room, looking behind every corner, even though it was obvious that there was nothing there. He went into the kitchen and turned the light on, but everything was just how Connor had left it: clean, sparkling, and empty. Jude checked the bathroom, even pushing his shower curtain all the way back so that he could see into the tub. As he'd suspected, there was nothing there. He went back to the living room to report to Connor, who was still sitting on the floor, but who had cocooned himself into the plaid blanket.

"It's just you and me in here," Jude said.

"It was so real, Jude," Connor said.

"What can I do to make this better for you?"

"I want it to go away?"

"I don't know how to make that happen."

Connor buried his face in the folds of the plaid blanket.

"Why don't you go take my bed?" Jude offered. "You can pull the curtains around and it'll be like nothing can get it. It'll protect you, like blankets did when you were a kid, you know? I'll take the couch."

Connor's bottom lip trembled and he sucked in a breath. Jude watched his gaze wander and he knew that Connor wanted the bubble. He also knew his boyfriend well enough to know that Connor wasn't going to make that decision himself.

"Go on. It's the best thing for you. Do you want me to get you a drink of water or anything?"

Connor slowly stood. "Stay with me?"

"Always," Jude said. "Um, on the bed?"

He knew how Connor felt about beds.

Connor shifted and pulled the blanket over his head so he looked like he was wearing a large, hooded dress. "Um. Well, if we … sit like it's a couch, instead of a bed, then what's the difference?"

"Let's try it, right? There's nothing there to hurt us."

"Nothing there to hurt us," Connor whispered to himself.

Jude went around and started turning off some of the big lights he'd left on. He didn't touch his bedside lamp or the large lamp that Connor had been using as a nightlight, just so that he and Connor wouldn't be sitting in total darkness. He angled the curtain near the front of his bed so that the lamp was inside. There wouldn't be any dark corners for Connor, who had settled himself at the foot of the bed, almost entirely hidden in his blanket.

"How do you feel now?"

Connor shrugged and leant his head against the wall. "I was only dreaming, right?"

"Right." Jude sat next to him, close enough to touch if Connor wanted to, but not so close that Connor would ever feel like he had to. "Did you hurt yourself when you fell off the couch?"

"Oh." The blanket moved slightly. "I didn't notice. I just … Not really. My arm, maybe. N-n-no big deal. I'm okay. I can fix it in the morning. It was my fault, anyway."

"How? I scared you," Jude said. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"You didn't do anything. Don't worry about me. I'm okay, I promise. I'm s-sorry for disrupting your sleep. I shouldn't have. And for something so stupid."

"It's not stupid. Not even a little bit, baby."

Connor closed his eyes and shook his head.

"What is it? I'm always here when you need me and it's not a bother. It's only been a couple of months since we met, but I hope you know that much, at least."

"You always sound like you mean the things you say," Connor said softly.

"I try to."

"I like being able to count on that. Or at least to try and believe I can count on that." Connor turned his head and there was heartbreak in his eyes. "You're so good, Jude."

"You're good."

"No one's good like you are," Connor replied.

His snuck his hand out from underneath the bottom of the blanket. Jude laid his fingers over Connor's and slowly, they melded into holding hands. The silence settled over the two of them. Jude picked up his own blanket from the bottom stack and he and Connor piled pillows around them. Jude was drooping with exhaustion, but he fought for wakefulness. He wasn't going to be the first one asleep when they were sitting on a bed and Connor had a long day like this. It was exactly like that long day that had Connor pass out from exhaustion. He slumped over, his head against Jude's shoulder and his arms clutching a pillow for all it was worth. Jude stayed still as a stone for Connor, not wanting to startle him at all. His own eyes started sliding shut and he hoped that they would wake up to a good morning.

(-.-)

When Jude woke, he was alone, flopped across his bed with his neck at a strange angle. He rubbed at his face and stretched out.

"Connor?"

Jude could smell coffee. He sat up and pushed his single blanket off his shoulders, shoving the curtains to the side. He slid slowly from bed, seeing Connor standing in the kitchen, Jude's sweater hanging off him as his plaid pyjama pants curving around him in a way that Jude found sexy, but he knew that Connor wouldn't think of as attractive at all. He knew Connor didn't think of himself as hot, though Jude would be hard-pressed to think of anything more attractive than Connor Stevens. Especially Connor Stevens in his kitchen at nine in the morning with a hot pot of coffee beside him, dressed in his boyfriend's clothing. But there he was, looking like everything Jude had ever wanted.

"Connor?"

Connor's head snapped up and he turned to look at Jude. "Oh! Good morning."

Jude glanced at the microwave clock. It was only nine a.m. Early for Jude, but perhaps not so for Connor. "How long have you been awake?"

"About three hours." Connor pulled a mug from the cupboard and poured Jude's coffee for him. "I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to wake you."

"What did you end up doing?"

"Sitting. Until a little while ago, you were sleeping on me."

"I'm sorry."

Connor smiled and put Jude's coffee mug into his hands. "I was sitting up, still against the wall and you were laying on my legs. It made me feel protected, like no matter what, you were going to keep me safe."

"That's what I'm here for. I would keep you safe, you know."

"I know. But I don't ever want to think about you and him in the same place." Connor shook his head. "Or him ever getting out of prison."

"Is he getting out?"

"No. I mean, not that anyone's told me. And they have to tell me. We're safe." Connor rested against the counter. "I don't even know what I'd do if I saw him again. I mean really saw him. Not like I thought I did last night."

"I hope you don't ever have to see him again." Jude took a sip of coffee and it was perfect. Connor could make his coffee better than he could.

"Me either. I like to think I'm different now and that things wouldn't be the same as they were last time we were together. But I don't know if that's necessarily true."

"I think you're different," Jude said. "Even from when I first met you. So, I can't imagine what you were like the last time you saw him."

"May I have some coffee?"

"Of course, baby, you don't need to ask."

Jude hopped up on the counter in his usual spot and Connor pulled a second mug out of the cupboard. He picked up the coffee pot and said, "I think you could probably imagine."

"Why?"

"You're the change in me," Connor said. "The way I was when I got here was almost the same way I was when I got out of the hospital last year. I didn't want to be here, to be honest."

"I thought you picked this school."

"Not without long conversations with my therapist. And … Dad was overbearing in a different way. Dr. Scott convinced me that a change might be a good thing. That to be somewhere new and see who I really was without anything familiar was the best thing for me to do. I stayed in my habits of being alone and hiding and then you talked to me."

"I think I made the right decision," Jude said.

"Me too." Connor sidled up next to Jude and took a drink of his coffee. "And I'm sorry about this weekend, about being such a mess. It's not usually this bad. It doesn't usually last this long."

"How are you feeling now?"

"Scared." Connor rested his head on Jude's shoulder. "I'm usually scared."

Jude took the chance and put an arm lightly around Connor's waist. Connor rested against him even more. "You don't have to be scared here."

"I'm scared of a lot," Connor said.

Jude knew they were talking about Connor's ex and nothing beyond that, there was a nagging feeling in his side. Connor was scared of Jude falling in love, but that was exactly what had happened. And he couldn't shake it out of his mind, because every time he saw Connor, soft and sweet and framed in light, Jude became more and more tempted to say it, even though he knew that it wasn't the time. He wanted Connor to smile when he said it, but Jude had the sneaking suspicion that no matter how long he waited for the right time, Connor still wasn't going to greet those three little words with happy grins and the same sentiment.

"I'm scared of going home tonight. I don't want to be there alone."

Jude met Connor's eyes and gave a little shrug.

"Oh, Jude, don't do that," Connor said. There was a hint of humour in his eyes, even as he shook his head.

"What? What am I doing?"

"I can't hide in your apartment."

"I didn't say that."

Connor's fingers gently brushed Jude's jawline. "You didn't have to. I could see it on your face." Connor ducked his head. "But I think I can read you okay, right?"

"Right." Jude kissed Connor's temple. "You can always come back here. You know, if your dorm room gets too scary."

"Are you kicking me out now?"

"No, of course not. You can be here as long as you want. I'm having a pizza craving, though, so if you stay, you're going to have to help me eat it."

"That … might be a fair deal."

Connor stared down at his coffee cup, swishing the liquid from side to side. Jude out his now empty mug to the side and nuzzled against Connor. "What are you thinking?"

"Trying to puzzle out why this thing lasted all weekend. Usually it's one bad night and I can figure out how to put it together again in the morning. I … don't know what went wrong this time. I mean, I don't think I want to know."

"What? Baby, that doesn't make any sense."

Connor turned his head slowly, his gaze steady. "I … think it's because of you."

"Me?" Fear raged through Jude, because there couldn't possibly anything good in that conversation.

"Not like you. I mean a … relationship. Bringing it all back. Making me afraid all over again. I think it would happen, no matter who else I was with. But I'm glad that it's you. I don't want it to be someone that's not you. I think you're the best person that I could find, Jude." Connor's cheeks turned red. "But, really, you found me."

"I'm glad I did."

Jude pressed a kiss to Connor's head, thinking that small sentences like that were as close as he would probably get to hearing Connor say 'I love you'. And it really should be enough, because Connor didn't say anything flippantly. He meant all of the words that came out of his mouth. Jude just craved more. He knew that he was more comfortable in their relationship than Connor might ever be and, most of the time, he thought that he had made peace with that. Other times, he had to remind himself of just how the man before him had broken Connor and that neither of them could ever be sure that Connor would recover completely and find the person that he was supposed to be. Jude loved the person that Connor was, but he had to acknowledge that there were sacrifices to being in a relationship with Connor, and that he was starting to care more about them. He wanted to be able to spill his feelings at not worry about the consequences. He didn't want to feel guilty when his mind wandered and he ended up fantasizing about his boyfriend because that was normal, particularly when a person had a boyfriend that looked like Connor did. But he always ended up feeling guilty, and Jude wasn't sure that was right either. He wasn't sure that was healthy for their relationship either.

"Me too. And thank you, for this weekend."

"I think you said that."

"No, I said sorry. Which I mean. Well, I mean both of them."

"I know."

"I'd like you to kiss me," Connor said. "I mean that too."

Jude bent his head and pressed his lips against Connor's. Connor's arm tightened around Jude, holding him close. As Jude felt the end of their kiss drawing near, he brought them closer one last time, trying to dull the urge to whisper confessions that were better forgotten.

Connor hid his face against Jude.

"Are you sure you're okay, baby?"

"A lot of thoughts, that's all. Nothing bad." Connor frowned slightly. "I don't think."

"Do you want to share some of those thoughts?"

"Um. I'm not … Not sure you'd like it. It's probably a therapist thought and not a boyfriend thought."

"Would you tell me if we were just friends?"

"I don't understand."

"Is this something that you'd keep from a boyfriend or a friend?" Jude asked. "We're friends first."

"Friends don't stand like this."

Connor had a point there; Jude could admit that. Connor was pressed tightly to his side, their arms a tangled mess around one another. Their heads were bent together, their lips almost touching with every word they said but not quite making it.

"It depends on what kind of friends you are."

Connor blinked slowly, his head tilting to the side, and Jude could feel his eyelashes against his cheek. Jude almost lifted his head to taste a kiss from Connor but something stopped him.

"What kind of friends are we?" Connor asked, his voice low. "Is friends all you want to say?"

He was teasing and Jude grinned. "Boyfriends."

"Just you and me," Connor said.

"Now, what does that mean?"

"You're going to be mad," Connor said.

"All the more reason to tell me, maybe?"

"That makes no sense, Jude."

"Because I know you didn't do anything so I know I'm not going to be mad so we should just talk about it, right, baby?"

Connor closed his eyes.

"What is it?" Jude pressed again.

"Um … It … It's different with you now then it was in the beginning."

"That's how relationships work. You get more comfortable with each other and then things get better, so –"

Connor was shaking his head. "I think … I think I might have told you before that I always thought that being with someone else would make me feel like I was cheating on him."

Jude kept his face schooled and blank but he just couldn't keep from reacting. "Is that what you feel like we are?"

No matter what he felt or what he wanted to happen with Connor, Jude was not going to play the other man, even if it wasn't strictly in the literal sense. There was a lot that Jude was willing to put up with when it came to Connor's ex-boyfriend and a lot that he was willing to push himself to understand, but this was one situation where he knew he had to draw the line, because he wasn't willing to live like that. If Connor wasn't over his ex to the point where he felt as if he could be in a new relationship and that was his only relationship, then trying to be together wasn't healthy for either of them.

"Oh! No, no. That wasn't what I was trying to say."

"Then, what were you trying to say?"

"I knew you'd be mad."

"Connor, please, focus."

"I mean, I was thinking about it," Connor said. "On Friday. About how I should love him and only him and how nothing will ever be the same as it was with him and sometimes I do feel guilty about being with you, especially when something like this weekend happened and he's on my mind."

"None of that sounds good." Jude leant out of Connor's hold, even though Connor was still trying to cling to the side of Jude's shirt.

"No," Connor murmured, "It doesn't. Um, but that wasn't the point I was trying to make either. Because I have those feelings sometimes. It does get worse when he's on my mind and sometimes I can't help but compare but that's not fair. I know it's not. Because what we have is better. I know that. You treat me better and I like being with you better, because I can be safe and happy here. I loved him, I think … I don't know, anymore."

Connor had said the word love and Jude bit on the inside of his cheek. If he was comparing Jude and his ex and the word love was on his mind, could he be thinking he loved Jude too? Could that have crossed his mind? Jude knew that that it wasn't where his mind should be wandering during this conversation but he couldn't control his thoughts.

"And, you know, we're not in love," Connor said, speaking quickly and tripping over his thoughts "and that makes thing so much easier. Right away, we were in love and that was awful, love is awful. And … I feel like I know you better than I ever knew him and I think that's just because you let me in differently and thank you for that and for what we are. I don't know if that even makes any sense but that's really how I feel, Jude. I don't think I'm cheating on him, I know I'm with you, it's just sometimes it pops up in my head that I shouldn't be with you because of him and I don't think that's my voice, I think that's his voice, and I'm sorry for bringing all of this up, Jude, I really am."

Jude pulled Connor back into his arms, letting Connor tuck his head down against Jude's chest. Jude rested his head on top of Connor's.

"What do you think?" Connor asked.

"I think that was a lot to think about."

Jude closed his eyes, because that wasn't even the half of it. Connor wasn't ever going to love him back and he was going to have to deal with that, sooner rather than later, because Connor wasn't ever going to deal well with the fact that Jude had fallen in love.

"You deserve someone better," Connor added.

"You are the best," Jude said, because he meant it and because it was the thing to say.

"Thank you for that too."

Jude didn't know what else he could say right now. "Do you promise that it's us? When you're here with me … it's us?"

"It's us. I promise."

"I trust you."

"Thank you."

Connor made them a real breakfast and they sat on the couch and ate together, with a movie playing in the background. When it was over, Connor straightened up.

"I think I should go home now."

"Are you sure? We still have a lot of day left." Jude thought of the pizza promise that Connor had made him earlier, and he toyed with the thought of reminding Connor of it. If he brought it up, he knew Connor would stay until after lunch. But Jude didn't like the thought of trapping Connor.

"I've been here too long." Connor reached across the couch to pick up Jude's hands. "But can I ask you one more favour?"

"Sure, baby. What do you need?"

"I'd like for you to, um, come upstairs with me. Make sure there's … It's stupid."

"No, you can tell me anything, baby."

"Just … make sure there's nothing there. Friday night, I was so terrified and I … that's all I can think about now when I think about walking back inside. I think about being scared again. And, when I'm with you, I don't think about being scared. So, maybe … maybe if you go inside too and then tell me it's okay then I'll be able to believe it."

"I can do that for you, baby. Don't worry about it."

"Okay."

Connor gathered his things from how they had scattered across the apartment. Jude thought that he liked how Connor's things mixed with his own and he wanted to feel that all the time. He wanted to feel more than Connor wanted to feel and Jude didn't know how to talk about that with him or even think about it to himself. Connor didn't notice Jude's strange silence as they drove to the nano dorms. They parked and it was usually the time where Connor would turn, kiss him, and then get out of the car. But Jude shut the car off and took his key out of the ignition.

It was a big deal; Connor letting Jude into his room. Jude knew that he should be thinking about that but his mind kept trying to sort out the intricacies of Connor's stumbled speech in his apartment. He hit the elevator button and leant against the wall.

"Jude?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

Jude picked up Connor's hand and swung it gently. "Of course, baby. Anything for you … Within reason."

"You remembered."

"Of course. I wouldn't forget."

The elevator doors dinged open and Connor stepped inside, pressing his floor number. Jude leant against the back railing of the elevator as it began to rise and Connor nervously shifted from foot to foot.

"I could just walk you to the door, you know."

"Do you think I'm being a baby?"

"No. Not at all. It's for your mental health and that's important." It's because I love you. "Especially after this weekend."

"I'll make it up to you. This weekend?"

"I'm going to the concert, remember?"

"I could do what I did for your birthday. Have something good to eat for when you came back?"

"You have to promise me you'll try something new, though."

"Okay," Connor agreed. "But it's only for you that I'd do it."

"I know." And any other day, Jude would light up from the inside out. Today, he had to remind himself why he it would mean something, and he hated that. They shouldn't be falling apart like this, not when Jude had no idea what was going on with him and he knew Connor had no idea what was going on.

The elevator doors opened and Jude led Connor out. Connor dropped Jude's hand as they left the elevator and Connor walked slightly behind him up to Connor's door. He fished his keys out of his bag and fitted it in the lock. Instead of turning it, he looked to Jude.

"I think I left it a mess."

"It's okay. You've probably seen my apartment worse."

Connor nodded and opened the door. There was an earthy scent to Connor's apartment, which Jude immediately attributed to the cacti that he saw living around the apartment. The bed was a mess, half of the blankets spilling onto the floor, which didn't seem like Connor. There was a dish rack on the skinny counter that was full of clean dishes, which did seem like Connor. The blinds were shut and there was another scent to the apartment, which was slightly musty.

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah."

Jude could see most things from the doorway anyway, but it felt more intimate to step inside and shut the door behind him. There was barely any room for the two of them to move around in here and Jude understood why Connor would rather be at his place than his own. But it did seem like more of a Connor place than Jude expected it to, given what few things adorned the walls. In fact, there was only one thing that Connor had hanging up in his room. It was from their photo booth visit.

Jude took a few looks around the room, poking his head into the small bathroom. Everything was organized and in its place. The closet door was half-open and Jude opened it all the way before sliding it back into place.

"I think your room looks safe."

"Thanks for humouring me."

"I really think you should open up a window, though. Get some air in here. You might feel better with fresh air."

"Maybe."

"You're so high up, nothing is getting through that window, I promise."

"If you promise it. I trust you."

Jude inched by Connor to open up the blinds and cracked the window open. A breeze swept through the room, instantly lifting the feel of the room.

"What do you think?"

"Thank you." Connor reached out his hand to Jude and gently pulled Jude to him. "Thank you. I mean it. I'm really happy I met you."

Connor kissed Jude first, softly and sweetly. It was in moments like that Jude forgot why he felt any feelings of dissatisfaction at all. Connor was enough, and Connor tried so hard to be more than enough. It wasn't fair of Jude to burden him with more, because what they had was beautiful.

"You going to be okay?" Jude asked.

"Yes," Connor said, confidently. "Are you?"

"Me? Why?"

"I just know I've been in my head a lot this weekend. I worry about you too."

"You don't have to."

"But I care about you." Connor squeezed his hand. "So, I want to know about you."

"I'm okay. And you'd be one of the first people I'd turn to if I wasn't."

Connor smiled and stood on his toes in order to kiss Jude's cheek.

"You know what?""

"What?" Jude asked.

"It's not even scary letting you in here. I thought I'd be terrified. I thought it was going to be a mistake." Connor made a face at himself. "I should stop doubting you like that. You're not a mistake."

"You sure?" Jude joked.

"One hundred percent," Connor answered seriously.

"I'll get out of your way, though," Jude said.

"Thank you."

Connor kissed him again and then Jude left the miniscule room behind. He went down to his car alone and when he finally got into the driver's seat, he took just a moment to sit behind the steering wheel and take a breath. He'd only met Connor in September and the way that Connor had come to be so deeply intertwined actually amazed him. Jude didn't know what to do and he knew that Connor would need time to recover from the weekend that they'd just had and so, Jude too, would have time to think.

The chapter's title is after the song So Far Gone by Thousand Foot Krutch. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~