Jude picked up his cell phone. "Hey, Taylor."
"Hey, yourself. What's been going on with you?"
"What do you mean?" Jude asked, frowning at his kitchen counter.
"You've gone totally silent on me. You haven't answered a single on of my texts since Friday. It's been almost a week."
"It's only Tuesday," Jude said. He put his phone on speaker and opened the front of his dishwasher. He needed something to do with his hands. "That's hardly a week."
"Yeah, well, you being quiet for that long is really weird. So, talk to me. Did something happen with Connor?"
"Not … not like you're thinking."
Taylor snorted. "You don't know what I'm thinking, Jude. Might as well just talk to me. You know you want to talk to me."
Jude shoved his plates into his cupboard. "Kind of. I'm confused as … as … There's no good comparison."
"Come on, talk to me, pretend I'm Dr. Phil."
"Old, bald, irrelevant …" Jude mused.
"That's beside the point, Jude," Taylor said, though she laughed. "What's going on with you?"
"Connor had a bad weekend. And he came over and we spent, like, two full days together."
"He spent the night?"
"Friday and Saturday. We slept together on the couch on Friday and he ended up in bed with me on Saturday –"
"Ooh?"
"No. Not like that. Not even close to that. I love him, Taylor, and I mean that with all I have, but I realized that I want things that he's not going to be able to give me."
"Stuff like what?"
"Literally, he thanked me for not falling in love with him." Jude shut the dishwasher door as hard as he could. "I want to fall in love."
"You did."
"I want him to love me back. It's not that I don't care, Taylor, it's that I didn't realize that sometimes it was going to be this hard." Jude grabbed his phone and then sunk to the kitchen floor. "And I don't know what to do about it. It's not his fault. It's not like I don't want to be with him, but he's not separate from those parts of him. And I knew that! I knew! I'm being so stupid."
"No, no," Taylor crooned. "Knowing it and experiencing it are different, I get that. That's not your fault. It's not his, either. You didn't tell him that you loved him, did you?"
"No," Jude said. "And, at this point, I really don't think that I should. I don't think I could now, even if I tried. I … I … Taylor."
Her name came out as a plea. Jude wanted to know what to do. He wanted to have the answers and be cool and collected because he had managed to be so collected for Connor. If he didn't know what to do, he wanted Taylor to know. He wouldn't know how to vocalize what was happening to his mothers, because he knew what they would likely say. He knew how they would tell him to put himself first and to take his time. It would be Taylor who would understand what was happening best, because he thought that his mothers had forgotten what it was like to be twenty-one and feel the way that he was feeling. Hindsight gave good, if not entirely useless, advice.
"Okay, well, how much longer until he leaves for break?"
"Just over a week," Jude replied.
"Okay. So, here's what we're going to do: you're not going to make any major decisions for the next week. You're going to be fine. I know you are. Then, you're going to come home. You and I will sit in your room, I'll bring ice cream and beer, and we can build a blanket fort like we're six years old, and we'll talk it out. We can figure it out. And you and Connor can have your space. That way, you can see him again in January with a clear head and you'll have it all, or, you know, mostly figured out. You don't need to figure it out right now."
"I needed to hear that," Jude said. "Thank you."
"Tell me I'm the best friend you've ever had."
"You're the best friend I've ever had," Jude confirmed.
"Don't get so worked up," Taylor said. "It's going to be fine."
"I needed to hear that too," Jude said. "How've you been?"
"Sleepy. I think I should be studying for finals but … I really don't care. Words can't explain how much I don't care."
"You should try to care a little more," Jude said.
"I care about the important things. Like how my best friend and his boyfriend have been doing."
"I bet you were expecting something better."
"I was expecting the truth." Taylor sighed. "Come on, Judicorn, see if you can talk about something other than your relationship."
"How about the fact that you keep calling me 'Judicorn'?" he suggested.
"Whatever you want," Taylor agreed. "We can even talk about what kind of fabulous thing you're getting me for Christmas."
"Who says I'm getting you anything for Christmas?"
"Don't lie to me," Taylor sniffed.
"All right, all right, I'll get you something for Christmas. But you're going to have to give me ideas," Jude said, as if he were making a momentous sacrifice for her."
"I guess if you're really stuck you could get me a car or something. You know, just simple."
"Ha, yeah, right."
"Or there's a mixology book I've had my eye on …"
"That seems better," Jude said. "Gonna make me something?"
"Of course! What kind of a friend would I be if I didn't encourage your mild alcoholism in the face of a crisis?"
"Not funny," Jude said, and then he sighed.
"Mind stuck?" Taylor guessed.
"Yeah. Sorry. I'm probably not any fun."
"Not that that's new. Hey, have you heard from Dylan since your birthday? We should try and do something while we're home over Christmas."
"No, I haven't really been talking to him. He's probably busy with his dad."
"No one's too busy for friends," Taylor said optimistically. "Besides, everyone needs a little mental break sometimes. Right?"
"Right." Jude nodded to himself and then stood up, feeling better. Taylor was right. He was probably just overreacting to a hard weekend. It wasn't as if he had stopped caring about Connor. Jude didn't think it was possible. He thought of Connor and a smile would just appear on his face. Jude thought he just needed time to think of how to talk to Connor about it. He wished it were as easy to bring up to Connor as it had been to Taylor, but it was the difference between a mountain and a mole hill.
"You'll be home soon. We'll figure it out. Unless you think this week is going to be hell if we don't figure it out now."
"No, no, of course not." Jude crossed to his shelf and looked at the photo strip of he and Connor in the photo booth. "I love him. I'm not going to apologize for that."
"Don't. I know you. And I'll never forgive you if you do."
"You'll never forgive me?" Jude asked. He picked up the photo strip, all the while wondering if Connor would forgive him.
"Falling in love isn't bad. You told me you told Connor you thought you could love him. And you two are in a real relationship, not a sleep together and then disappear from each other's lives and then sleep together again. Because I've been in those kinds of relationships, where you agree to no feelings, and so if someone fell in love with me during one of those? Yeah, I'd be annoyed. That's not what you have."
"No." Jude tucked the photo strip in the picture frame again. "That's the opposite of what we have."
"Don't apologize. No one's in the wrong here, especially not you."
"You're right."
"I know I am. Do you think I've earnt my car yet?"
Jude laughed. "If I ever get rich and famous, definitely, you've earnt a car."
"Yes!" Taylor said, and Jude pictured her giving a fist pump. "I think I'd like bright pink."
"You'd drive around in a bright pink car?"
"Oh, yeah. It'd be beautiful. I'm thinking … diamond licence plate? Can you see it?"
"I can see you buying it yourself," Jude said.
"Don't rain on my parade. Maybe I'll have a really generous sugar daddy by then."
"Whatever you want, Taylor." Jude touched one of the spikes on his two little cacti, smiling to himself.
"A diamond studded Chihuahua?"
"I draw the line at purse dogs."
"Why? I won't make you carry her."
"You love to make me carry stuff."
"Maybe I won't trust you with my future dog. Who knows?" Taylor asked.
Jude knew. He'd been friends with her for too long not to know. He collapsed onto his couch and pulled the plaid blanket tightly around him. It still smelt of Connor, as he'd expected, and the scent of his boyfriend was comforting. He cocooned himself in the blanket and was content to listen to Taylor talk about her future with a confident air, even though she was focusing on houses with balconies and fancy dinner parties because that was what people with large houses did, and not how she was going to get there. She was confident about something, at least, and Jude was happy to listen.
(-.-)
Connor stepped into the bookstore on campus. As always, there were a few students browsing around but it wasn't one of the busy times and so he slipped inside. The area that was full of the university clothing was tightly packed and Connor scurried through it to the school supplies area. He adjusted his bag over his shoulders and stood in front of the large selection of notebooks. His therapist had been trying to convince him to try journaling for a while now, and Connor had never felt fully convinced by it. He hadn't been sure what he could get out of writing down his thoughts and feelings for the day. He hated going through those feelings while they were happening; he didn't want to think back on them at rehash them when the day had finally ended.
Since the weekend, he'd reconsidered. If he'd been able to vent those feelings beforehand, in a more controlled way, then maybe it wouldn't have been so bad. There was no way for him to know if that was true or not until he tried keep a diary, and he decided that trying couldn't hurt. The diary, itself, was not going to give him nightmares, and Connor would do anything to keep away from a weekend like the one he'd just had. He hated going through it. He didn't like that Jude had to go through it with him either, although Connor had to admit he did like how he could rely on Jude and how Jude hadn't let him down. He didn't think Jude could.
Connor browsed the notebooks, trying to find one that felt just right. Maybe he shouldn't have been so picky about his book, but what was the harm? He had the time and luxury to do so. If he didn't want a plain blue one, then he shouldn't have to settle because he had someone impatiently watching him from down the aisle, wondering what was so hard about deciding upon a certain brand when the food was the same. Connor also thought that if he were about to pour his most sacred thoughts into a book, he should like the book. He finally settled upon one that was probably too extravagant – leather bound with a tiny gold clasp that one could turn to lock the front of the notebook shut. The lock made him feel secure, and he walked up to the front counter, feeling confident in his notebook. He paid, his fingers shaking because of the exuberant attitude of the cashier, and then turned away, thinking of nothing but going home and trying to write something in it. He didn't talk to Dr. Scott for another few days, but he wanted at least two notebook entries for when his appointment came up.
He kept his book clutching in his hand and he made it out of the bookstore before he heard his name behind called. He turned slightly, seeing Jake come up to him.
"Hey, Connor!"
"Hi," Connor said, unable to find the same amount of enthusiasm Jake had.
"How've you been?"
"Studying," Connor said.
"Looking forward to break then?" Jake guessed, an easy-going smile on his face.
"Yeah," Connor said, nodding half-heartedly. He really wasn't looking forward to break because there was going to be so much more new things to deal with, and he was going to miss Jude. He was going to miss their nights doing homework and making dinner. He knew that he wouldn't be away from his boyfriend for long, and part of him was looking forward to finding out about his mother, but Connor liked how he and Jude were so much that it was hard to imagine changing them, even for a short while. "You?"
"So excited. I'm actually going with Amy to her place this year instead of seeing my parents. But, it's fine, because we're spending New Year's-ish with mine, so it's not like I'm going to see them at all."
"Sounds like a fair compromise."
"We should try and hang out before we leave for break. My exams are done in, like, two days."
"Lucky you."
"You'll survive," Jake said confidently. "Amy and I were going to see some movies tomorrow night. You know how there's theme night movies on campus?"
Connor nodded, remembering when he and Jude had gone. He wondered if that counted as their first date. He hadn't thought of it as a date at the time, so he didn't think it did.
"You and Jude are welcome to come. We can make it that double date we talked about."
"Uh … I'd have to talk to Jude."
"Do that. Text me?"
"Okay."
Connor didn't move as Jake said goodbye and then continued on into the bookstore. A double date? Could he go? Did he want to go? He forced himself to start on his way home, fiddling with his phone as he walked. Finally, he decided to just call Jude; they could figure it out together.
"Hey, baby."
"What're you doing?" Connor asked.
"Trying to get out of bed so I can go get groceries. Why? What are you doing?"
"On my way home. I was at the bookstore."
"By a book?"
"Yes. But … I just saw Jake. He … asked us to go with him and Amy. To the movies tomorrow. I … I'm supposed to text him after I talked to you."
"What movie?"
"The ones on campus."
"A couple of Christmas movies," Jude said. "Very festive. It might be a fun night. Are you calling because you want to go? I'm free."
"I know. I …" Connor hesitated, opening his building's door and giving himself a moment to think. "I … liked hanging out with them, last time. I like them."
"Break's starting soon, so you won't get to see them until next term. Look, it's three movies. We'll do what we did last time. If it's too much of a night, we say one movie's our limit. No harm there."
Connor took a deep breath, trying to get his huffs under control after jogging up eleven flights of stars. "You're … too smart for me, Jude."
"Ha!" Connor heard the creak of Jude's bed as he moved around. "But, thank you."
"Do you want to go?" Connor asked.
"Yes. But if you do. Don't make anyone else your deciding factor."
"I'm not a child," Connor said. "I, um, I know how to think."
"Sorry. It's hard to know when you like the reminder and when I'm just being a mother hen."
"If I'm on the verge of crying, I could probably use the reminder. Right now, though, I'm just unsure. But … it can't hurt to try to go. If it goes terribly, then I don't have to see them for a while, right?"
"I love the optimism."
Connor's stomach twisted. He was coming to hate that word more and more. Love; the thought of it made him shudder.
"So, tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow. I'm supposed to text Jake. And then, I guess, I'll text you."
"It'll be fun. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay, Jude. See you tomorrow."
Connor sent off a text to Jake before pulling out his desk and dragging his desk chair over from where it usually perched against the wall. He had just started in on making himself something to eat when his phone buzzed. Four-thirty. Jake wanted to meet at four-thirty. He took a few moments to sort out plans for tomorrow and then he put his phone away. He wanted a moment alone. He put his sandwich on one side of his desk, found one of his nicer pens, and then sat down with his journal. He stared at the elegant cover, wondering what to write, wondering where to start with what he wanted to write. His therapist had never advised him about this, saying only that a journal was for him to write down whatever was weighing in his mind. Everything seemed to be weighing on his mind, except for right now, when he was thinking about it. Now, his mind was empty. Surprisingly so. He would have liked it, were he not trying to summon something important to mind.
He took a bite out of his sandwich and then reverently opened the front of his journal. There was always one thing that was important to him, above all else. He wrote the date in the corner of the page, and then he started to write down everything that he could remember about his mother. She was one memory he knew he would never want to lose.
The chapter's title is after the song Near To You by A Fine Frenzy. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~