Barefoot And Bruised

by The Last Letter

AU. Jude was twenty and not even thinking about love when he met Connor Stevens, a boy who took his heart almost immediately. But Connor has a past he still has to struggle with daily and resists falling in love, even as he and Jude grow closer. Even as it seems everything will be all right, Connor's past refuses to lie, and Jude finds himself in a battle with Connor's demons.

42. Out Of Reach

Connor woke up early on Saturday morning, but that wasn't unusual for him. He slowly went through his morning routine of making his bed and then putting it away to pull out his desk. He went to shave and get dressed, and then he returned to the main part of his room, looking for breakfast. He put bread in his small oven to toast and then quickly cut up an orange. He put his laptop on his desk and opened it. Normally, at this part of the day, he would check his e-mail, though there was never much there, and then he would read some news until his breakfast was gone. After that, he would move onto homework. It was his routine, and he was rather attached to it. Today, he had to go and look for recipes. Jude was going to be back from his concert later, and Connor had promised him dinner, with a new recipe.

Connor had no idea what he was going to make Jude.

He opened his favourite recipe website, and then he checked on his toast. He pulled it out and spread one piece with peanut butter and another with his favourite strawberry jam. With his breakfast ready, he started looking at recipes. Something new. He had promised. He didn't want to pick out something that he would get really wrong and ruin dinner entirely. He wanted something that he could get right. At least, mostly right. He knew it wouldn't be perfect. He tried not to let it bother him too much. Jude would understand.

Connor was tempted by easy things. Pastas, marinated chicken, sweet shrimp. Nothing seemed right. He kept coming back to a salmon recipe. He didn't like to cook fish, but fish was the reason that Jude had requested something new. Connor knew that it was something he was going to have to make. Chili lime salmon. He opened the recipe. It didn't look too hard, but he still wasn't feeling confident about making it. He sent the recipe to himself for when he went grocery shopping and then set about figuring out what you were supposed to eat with salmon.

Did Jude even like asparagus?

It seemed like something that Connor should know, given how much he cooked for Jude, but it hadn't come up yet. Asparagus was something else that Connor didn't usually cook with. Couldn't he just cook with spinach instead? Connor knew what to do with spinach. But in addition to the salmon and the asparagus, potatoes were recommended, and Connor thought his potatoes always came out fairly well. He could do it. For Jude. And Jude had already been warned that this meal wasn't going to be among Connor's best.

Connor packed his backpack and left his room. He had to triple-check that he had locked the door. He felt like there was something leaning over his shoulder. He knew it was all in his head. If he hadn't been uneasy about the dinner, then he wouldn't feel as if he were being followed as he made his way down to the bike locker and pulled out his bike. He checked that his basket was attached properly and pulled his bike out the parking lot, putting his helmet on.

Grocery shopping.

He could grocery shop.

He made sure to lock his bike outside of the super market near Jude's apartment, and then he went in, joining the throng of shoppers. Despite the crowded Saturday morning atmosphere, he liked grocery shopping with other people. He liked the elderly couples, who had to buy two different loaves of bread. He liked the mothers who were cooing at babies in the carts and he liked the dads who carried their toddlers on their shoulders. And he empathized with the new university students who didn't know how to eat without their parents' assistance and who haunted the frozen food aisles, as if someone would appear and offer them guidance on what brand of chicken nuggets would benefit them the most. Despite his odd affection for his fellow shoppers, he did his best to stay out of their way. The last thing he wanted was to brush shoulders with them or be intrusive.

His shopping basket filled quickly, and Connor worried about getting all of it to fit in his bike basket to take to Jude's. His backpack was against his back and, even though Connor didn't like to stuff it with groceries, he knew that it wouldn't hurt to do so if he had to. He went through the self-checkout and went back out to his bike. He was just organizing his produce and other items that shouldn't be battered in his bag when he heard a voice behind him.

"Hey, don't I know you?"

The voice didn't sound familiar to Connor, but he straightened up and turned around. The face was definitely familiar to Connor.

"N-n-n-not really," Connor said. "I, um … You w-w-w-ork with J-Jude."

"I know what I do," Jason said. "Oh. You're Jude's butt buddy."

Connor wanted to hide away. He didn't like that term; it bothered him to hear his and Jude's relationship described so crudely. He and Jude weren't about sex. They barely talked about it and they definitely weren't doing anything close to having it. Connor didn't know how to express that to Jason. If he even should. He didn't think that Jude would care if it was known they weren't having sex, but Connor shuddered to think how his ex would feel if that news had gotten around – not that it ever would have been true – but he would have taken it as an insult to his ego.

"I, um, have to go," Connor whispered. "I have groceries."

"Isn't Jude on a trip this weekend?"

"He gets back today."

"You know, office gossip always said Benjamin had a thing for Jude," Jason said.

Connor started organizing his groceries again, angling his body so that his back wasn't to Jason. He couldn't leave himself vulnerable, and he didn't want Jason to think he was being rude either. He didn't know how Jason would react.

"I, um, try not to listen to gossip."

Jason made a 'tut' sound that was more typical of a disapproving mother and continued on, "Ben always implied some weird things happened on those trips. Rita never proved him wrong."

Connor quickly put the rest of his things in his bag and straightened up, putting his helmet on his hand. "I really have to go. It was nice seeing you again."

It wasn't, really, but Connor was a lot less brave when Jude was next to him. Jason didn't do anything to stop him and gave him a wave, turning to go inside. Connor secure his helmet, unlocked his bike, and off he went to Jude's. It was a short bike ride, and though Connor knew the length was good for his produce, it wasn't good for the amount of time that he needed to prepare himself. He walked his bike down Jude's hill. He knew that Jude let him in, he just wasn't able to talk to Jude to confirm that he was allowed in, like the last time he'd done this. He locked his bike and then, his fingers shaking, he opened the front door.

The apartment looked like it always did, like he expected it to. There was nothing surprising or out of place. He told himself to focus entirely on his task. It would be easier if he focused on his task. He carried in the groceries, locked the door, and opened the recipe on his laptop that he had carted over and set about cutting vegetables, preheating the oven, and seasoning things to what he hoped was perfection. Hesitant as he was about making fish, he relished in the new recipe. The distraction and focus it took was what he liked and, before he had realized that any time had passed at all, the front door was opening.

Connor's breath caught in his throat until Jude walked in, his bag slung over his shoulder.

"Hey, baby, it smells good in here."

"Thanks, Jude," Connor said. "It's not done yet, though, I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it." Jude tossed his bag onto his bed and made his way into the kitchen. "It smells like it's going to be really great."

"Thanks," Connor said.

Jude kissed his cheek. "How was your Friday night?"

"As you'd expect," Connor answered. "And the concert?"

"As you'd expect. I always forget that I'm too tall to sleep comfortably in a van until I try to sleep in a van again."

"Are you okay?"

"Sure. Just stiff. I'll stretch out tonight and be fine." Jude jumped up on the counter. "And Benjamin got so drunk Rita had to try and carry him back to the van 'cause Jeremy disappeared with some girl."

"You didn't help?"

"She insisted she didn't need it and he wouldn't let me touch him."

"Oh." Connor cracked open the oven and checked on the progress of his potatoes. Almost, but not quite. "Um … speaking of Benjamin … Could I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"I … I saw Jason at the, um, grocery store."

"Poor you. Ignore him. He's all bark and no bite."

"He said Benjamin liked you. He kind of hinted that you two hooked up before when you went to the concert." Connor glanced at Jude, and he thought Jude looked amused, but sometimes it was hard to tell, especially when he knew he was overthinking something.

"Did you believe him?"

"I don't think so. I think … you would've told me by now if you had. Because we've talked about it. I think I just want to hear you tell me."

"You're right to not believe him. Come here." Jude held out his hand and Connor took it, allowing Jude to pull him in until Jude could wrap his arm securely around Connor's shoulders. "Want to know a secret?"

"Um … only if you're supposed to tell it. Which doesn't sound much like a secret."

"It's only a secret from Jason."

"I don't really plan on talking to him much."

Jude laughed. "Didn't think so. Benjamin's asexual. But he told me if he was going to build a life someone, he'd prefer it to be a woman. So, if you were going to be worried about someone, Benjamin shouldn't even make the short list."

"The only person on my short list is Dylan," Connor grumbled, and then he clamped a hand over his mouth. He had not meant to say that.

"I thought we talked about it. I thought you weren't worried about Dylan."

Connor pulled away from Jude to check on his salmon. What was it supposed to look like when it was done? He opened the cutlery drawer to search for Jude's meat thermometer.

"Connor?"

"You said if I was going to make a short list, Benjamin shouldn't be on it. I don't have a list. I'm not worried. Mostly. But if I were going to be worried, it would be about Dylan. For every reason I've already told you."

There was the meat thermometer. He checked the appropriate temperature for fish and then neatly slid it into the side of one of the salmon fillets. Perfect. But had he timed the potatoes properly?

"You know, I haven't really talked to Dylan since my birthday."

"I guess I'm just insecure."

Of course he was.

"Is there anything I can do to help that?"

"No. It's not like you're doing anything wrong, Jude, and I know that. It's just a me problem." Connor took two plates out of the cupboard and paused. "Oh, are you hungry? I mean, it's done, but … but we don't have to eat now."

"No, it smells amazing," Jude said. "Let's taste-test."

"I got the rolls you like from the bakery," Connor added.

"Aww, really? I love … that you think of those things."

Connor carefully dished out portions onto their plates while Jude put out condiments and cutlery. Connor watched Jude pour tall drinks of water for the both of them. He hadn't meant to, but, for a moment, he thought of another man, in another kitchen, with other dinners he'd made. Since the kitchen had been Connor's domain, his ex had always gone out of his way to not do anything. He wouldn't have helped set the table and the only drinks that he'd pour would be alcoholic ones for himself. Connor couldn't imagine getting used to that life again. The life where his ex went out all day, working and doing whatever he pleased, and Connor stayed at home, cooking and cleaning and waiting for him to come back.

Oh.

"Do you think we'll need anything else for lunch?"

"No," Connor said, shaking his head to clear his thoughts. He was just overthinking things. "Let's eat."

They took their usual stools, and Connor thought about how he liked the fact that he had a usual stool, a usual place on the couch. He had little pieces of this place that was supposed to be just for Jude's, and he thought it should bring him more peace than it did.

"This is really good, Connor, I'm glad you tried making it."

Oh, the food! Connor hurriedly forked some of the fish and asparagus and tasted it. The flavours that exploded across his tongue weren't the ones that he was used to cooking with and he kept thinking that it was too out of the box. He should have gone for something a little safer. He didn't dislike it, but he didn't think it was going to be something that he would add to his list of regular recipes.

"It's not bad.

"I think it's great," Jude said, and Connor thought he was being generous. He kissed Connor's cheek and said, "Really. I can think of nothing better to come home to."

"Yeah," Connor said, realizing how pouty he sounded as he did so. He pushed a piece of fish to the edge of his plate. "Right."

"You okay?"

"Yeah," Connor said. "I guess … I guess I'm stressed. Dad's going to be here soon and that means I'm going to be leaving soon. I think it's bothering me."

"You'll be fine," Jude said, rubbing Connor's arm lightly. "It'll be great. You'll see."

Connor nodded. "We'll know soon. Um, why don't you tell me more about the concert?"

"Sure," Jude said.

Connor left the talking to Jude and picked at his food. Jude didn't have a lot of stories from the night before, aside from a few of the drunken antics from his friends. It sounded like a fun, carefree evening, and Connor recognized a slight feeling of jealousy gnawing at him. He knew he couldn't have nights like that. He wouldn't ever be able to be in a crowd of people, pushing toward the front of a stage; he wouldn't ever be able to sleep in a van with a bunch of other people, half on top of one another. The fact that Jude could made him jealous, and the fact that Jude had gone when Connor could not made him uncomfortable, even though he didn't really think it should. Jude should be allowed to go out with friends – Connor had never cared before when it had been Taylor. He wondered if that was the difference. He wondered if it bothered him that Jude had been with boys this time. He couldn't help but think of when his ex had come home, saying that he'd found someone else because Connor just wasn't enough.

But that wasn't the case here. It couldn't be. Jude was with him, and Connor couldn't even convince himself that Jude was the type to be unfaithful.

"I hate to eat and run, but I have to get ready to go to work," Jude said. He rested his head against Connor's shoulder. "Are you going to be here when I come back?"

"Why?"

"Because I'd like to hang out with you some more, if you don't have something else to do. We can even pretend like we're going study for our exam. What do you think?"

"I'll clean up and get out of the way, I think," Connor said, standing from his place and gathering his and Jude's plates.

"You cooked, I can clean when I get home."

"It'll be sitting out for hours," Connor said. "I can't do that."

He started to rinse things in the sink and opened the dishwasher; it was nearly full. He would have to do most things by hand. Not that he would have been able to get away with putting most of his cooking things in the dishwasher anyway.

"Well, I feel bad about the amount you do around here when you don't live here," Jude said. "How can I make that up to you?"

"It's not a big deal, really. This is just … how it's supposed to be."

Connor found one of Jude's dishwasher pods, put it in, and started the machine.

"And what's that mean?"

"It just means that I'm supposed to stay inside and do these things and I know that." He started filling the sink with water and soap, putting his frying pan into the warm water and scrubbing it with more force than necessary.

"No, you're supposed to do what is that you want and what makes you happy," Jude corrected. "Which I hope is being here, but if it's not, then you just need to say something."

"Silence is a virtue."

"Not here," Jude said. "Not with us. I want to hear you talk. I want to know what you're thinking. You can say whatever's on your mind."

"Like that's easy." Connor put the dish in the dishrack and grabbed another one, dunking it under the water. "It's never going to be easy for m-m-me. I just get to sit here and compare and turn the things you do into the things he did even though there's no comparison and I … I don't know what I want, Jude."

"Are you trying to break up with me?"

"No!" Connor let his hands float along the top of the dishwater. "No, no, I know that's what I don't want. I meant I don't know what I want with … my life. I don't know what to do with myself most of the time and I fall back into old habits that I hate but I don't know what to do. For years, I thought I was … No, that's not the right word."

Connor grabbed another dish and took a deep breath. He glanced at Jude, who was sitting at the counter, listening intently to everything that Connor said. "It was like he conditioned me, does that make sense?"

"Yes."

"Do you know a better term?"

Jude shrugged, "None that I think you'd like."

"What are you thinking?"

"Pedophiles groom their victims."

Jude was right, he didn't like the thought of that at all.

"I really didn't believe that I was going to be anything other than a kept house husband. He made fun of me for even wanting to take my only courses and I was miserable. But I didn't really know how miserable I was until I experienced something different because I was so convinced he was my future. I was fully thinking I was going to be happy with him forever. It's not as if I don't like doing things like cooking and cleaning, because they do help me feel better and I like doing things for you, you know. I know I don't have to. But, I also don't know. Staying home and putting in the effort while you're out made me upset and that's stupid. Because it's not like you were out cheating on me and it's not like I'd want to stop you or that I'd want to go, so what do I do?" Connor put the last of the plates in the dishrack. "I mean, aside from getting upset, what do I do?"

"Whatever you want," Jude said. "But I'm glad one of those things is talking to me. So, baby, what do you want to do?"

"Um … Um … I don't know. I don't know. I'm so used to being told or 'guided toward suggestions'."

"You want to come sit with me?"

Connor nodded, then hesitated, glancing at the microwave clock. "Aren't you going to be late for work?"

Jude bit his lip and then pulled out his cell phone, hitting the screen a few times before holding it up to his ear.

"Hey, it's Jude. No, I think I ate something contaminated at the concert last night. I've been throwing up since I got home. I am so sorry about the short notice. I … No, thank you, I'm so sorry. I should be fine for Monday. Okay, thank you. Bye."

"Don't you need to go to work?" Connor asked.

"Not today. I'll survive. Today, I need to sit with you."

"You're going to do that for me?"

"Done and done. I'm right here, for as long as you want me."

Connor wiped his hands on the dish towel and then returned to his stool. "I do want you. I do want this relationship. I'm sorry it sometimes sounds like I don't."

"I mostly get it," Jude said. "I know things don't always come out the way you mean it when you're upset and trying to explain yourself."

"So, what do we do?"

"I asked you first. What do you want? Anything, in the world, if you could have one thing right now, what would you want?"

There were a lot of things that Connor wanted. A time machine, more wisdom than he had five years ago, to be able to be normal with Jude now. He didn't think any of those things were a fair answer. He should answer with something real. Something that they could do.

"Ice-cream. I want to go get ice-cream. And then go to the beach, on those big logs we studied on before, and eat and talk."

"Then let's go get ice-cream."

"That easy?" Connor asked.

"That easy," Jude said. "No negotiation, no fighting, we go. You want something, it's in our power, we go. I mean, maybe you kiss me before we leave but that's not a requirement."

"But it's something else I want to do."

Jude leant forward and Connor gently pressed his lips to his boyfriend's. He kissed him softly, and quickly, just allowing himself the briefest taste of Jude's lips. Jude rested his hands against Connor's arms and kissed his forehead.

"What ice-cream place would you like to go to?"

"The one with the strawberry shortcake ice-cream."

"Good, I love that place."

It only took a few minutes for them to get their shoes on and get out the door. They had to take the long way to the ice-cream place, because Jude didn't want to drive by his work and rub it in their faces that he wasn't really sick. Connor knew he should feel guilty, but he was really just grateful that Jude was here with him. There wasn't really a line at the ice-cream place and they were in and out in two seconds, taking the short drive to the nearby beach. Unlike last time, they didn't take their shoes and socks off. They walked across the sand, keeping away from the waves, and heading toward the logs to sit on.

"So, what did you want to talk about?"

"I realized that, sometimes, when I get upset, I just talk at you and then I leave and hide. I didn't want to do that this time."

"Hmm."

"Bad idea?"

"Best idea. I just don't know what to say."

"What do you think I should do about how insecure I get?"

"That's a big question. I wish I knew how to be less insecure, but, I don't think there's an easy answer to that. Keep talking to me and sharing it. Maybe we'll figure it out together."

"I want that too," Connor said. "Together. I like that."

"Me too. How's this log look to you?"

"Good."

Connor sat down, close to the middle, and Jude sat close enough that their legs were touching. Jude took a bite of his ice-cream and then said, "I do have a question, baby."

"Okay."

"It's one of the ones you don't have to answer."

"I will," Connor said, because he always did. He didn't like to deny anyone, particularly Jude.

"It was just something that crossed my mind while you were talking. Why didn't he marry you?"

"What?"

"You said he wanted you to be a house husband and that you were going to marry him. But, you'd been legal to marry him for years by the time he was put in jail. Why didn't he marry you?"

"Oh. Well, we were going to. He was saving up. We were going to go away, for my twenty-first birthday. He was going to take me to Mexico. I've never been, but he'd gone all the time. His mom still has family there, so they'd gone when he was young. He was going to take me. We were going to get married on a beach there, on my birthday. He said he had rings picked out for us, but I never got to see them. He said he wanted to surprise me." Connor scuffed his foot along the sand and used his finger to collect an ice-cream drip. "This was going to be our first Christmas married."

"Oh."

"Don't be quiet on me, please," Connor requested.

"I guess I just wasn't expecting your answer to be that big. I thought that it was going to be one of those things where you were told it was going to happen, but it was a someday thing. You know what I mean?"

"Instead, it was planned," Connor said. "I think he'd even bought the tickets. Don't misunderstand, Jude, I'm not … upset. I think 'what if' a lot, but I think it would be weird if I didn't. That wasn't supposed to be my life. After experiencing this life, I could never go back. I am here, with you, and there are few things better than that. It's not that … not that I'd rather be m-married to him."

"I believe you," Jude said. "And you're very sweet. Connor, do you think you'd ever get married at all?"

"No." Connor took a bite of ice-cream and let it melt on his tongue before elaborating, "I think you should be in love to get married and I don't ever intend to fall in love again."

Connor glanced up from his ice-cream to see Jude watching him. He didn't recognize the expression on Jude's face and he worried what Jude was really thinking.

"Trying to decide if you still want to be my boyfriend?" Connor meant for it to be a joke but he realized that he couldn't really joke about that. The thought of Jude not being in his life anymore was anxiety inducing. Perhaps too anxiety inducing. Another thing to mention to Dr. Scott the next time they spoke.

"No, no. I still want to be yours."

"Hmm." Connor liked the thought of that. Of Jude being his, when, in turn, he was Jude's. He liked the balance.

"Hmm," Jude repeated. "So, do I make you feel like you're stuck being a house husband?"

"No. I do it to myself," Connor said. "I like staying inside, but I … think I want to do more things outside, after Christmas break. You know, try new things."

"Want to do that together?"

"Most things," Connor said. "I always want to make sure I can do things on my own. I think it makes doing things with you better. I would rather want you there than need you there. Does that make sense?"

"Yes, absolutely. And, you know, our date in a few days is something new."

"I'm looking forward to that," Connor said.

"Good."

Connor finished his ice-cream and wedged the dish in the sand next to him. He nestled closer to Jude, who rested his head on top of Connor's. Jude finished his ice-cream too and then, for the longest time, they just sat there. Connor wondered what his life would be like if his ex had never gone to prison. Like he'd told Jude, he would be married by now. Twenty-one and married to someone he'd been with since he was a young teenager – too young of a teenager. The wedding probably would have been beautiful; his ex tended to be overly extravagant when they were in front of other people. Connor probably would have convinced himself that he was happy, because he knew that his life with his ex was going to be his life forever, and Connor hadn't known any other life for a long time. He knew there were moments with his ex that he had found true happiness in, but they were few and far between. More often than not, it was just moments that were less hard than others.

With Jude, it was an easy, comfortable happiness. Connor lifted his head softly and Jude let out a little moan, stretching his head and turning so that his nose bumped Connor's.

"What's up?"

"I'd liked to be kissed." It was too demanding of a thing for Connor to say to his ex, but confessing his desires to Jude wasn't really anxiety inducing anymore. He still felt small trickles of it, but he could say it.

"Did you want to get kissed by me?" Jude asked.

"I was kind of hoping."

Jude rested a hand against each side of Connor's ribs. Connor reached down and pulled Jude's left hand higher up on his ribs.

"Why?" Jude asked.

"I just would rather your hand there," Connor said. "It makes me feel more comfortable. I think."

Jude rubbed his thumb across Connor's skin and Connor leant close to his boyfriend. He could smell the salt of the ocean and the warm scent of Jude's deodorant and it was very grounding in the here and now. Jude's skin was soft as Connor rested his fingers against Jude's cheek, his other hand on Jude's side. Jude's kiss was barely a skim against his lips.

"I want a bigger kiss," Connor protested.

"Stop me if I end up kissing you too much."

Connor nodded and then he pulled Jude close to him again. Their legs were in the way of how close Connor wanted them to be and he pulled Jude's legs over his lap without thinking too much about it. He felt Jude give the smallest gasp of breath against his lips and he wondered if he'd done something wrong after all. He waited for Jude to pull his legs back, but it didn't happen. If anything, Jude moved closer, and Connor found he liked the weight of Jude's legs along the top of his thighs and the heat of Jude's chest being so close to his. Jude was a warm person, in the personality sense and the literal sense, and Connor leant into him. Jude's kisses pressed to Connor's mouth a little more firmly, and Connor felt the flick of Jude's tongue. For a second, he was scared. He could barely kiss Jude like that, let alone on a public beach where anyone could see them and anyone could know them.

He thought of everyone else he'd ever seen making out in public, and he decided he wasn't going to be scared, not of kissing Jude. Not anymore. He wrapped one arm around Jude's back and kissed him. Even though Jude was taller than he was, Connor felt so much larger as Jude folded into his arms. And he was glad that he knew Jude wanted this, otherwise he might felt bad for feeling so overwhelming. But Jude was kissing him back with what felt like all he had and Connor didn't want to let go of him. Jude's hand slipped up and down Connor's spine, his fingers scrabbling at Connor's shoulder blades. Just as Connor felt his lungs were going to burst, Jude kissed him one last time and then ducked his head against Connor's shoulder, his face pressed against Connor's neck. For the first time, Connor realized how low his hand had drifted against Jude's lower back and he moved it up again.

"You've never kissed me like that," Jude said.

"Did you not like it?"

Connor hoped Jude had. Connor had liked it. More than he'd thought he would.

Jude laughed and nuzzled Connor. "No, no, I … I liked it. You just surprised me. In a good way."

Jude's breath was hot against Connor's neck and Connor shivered.

"Cold? We can head home."

"Umm … o-okay."

"Or was there something else you wanted to do?"

"Mmm … N-no."

"Baby," Jude whined, cuddling closer into Connor's body.

Connor clasped his arms around Jude's back. "What?"

"Talk to me."

"Can I stay at your house tonight?"

"Yes."

"So, can we stop at my apartment first?"

"Yes." Jude sat up. "Was that all?"

"Yeah."

"Mmmkay," Jude said. "Do you want to sit here for a while longer?"

"Just a few more minutes. You're right; it's getting kind of cold."

"You don't want to keep me warm?" Jude teased.

"It's not that I don't want to," Connor said. "It's just I don't think I can."

"We should come sit here more," Jude said. "I like it here."

"Beaches always seem romantic."

"Kind of clichéd romantic, though, don't you think?"

"Do clichés have to be bad?"

"You're the one taking a poetry class next semester, you tell me."

"I don't know anything about poetry," Connor said. "I don't know what I'm doing in that class."

"Having fun, hopefully."

Connor placed his hand against Jude's knee and his thumb rested on the inside of Jude's leg. His heart thudded, and he tried to calm it with his thoughts. It wasn't as if anything were going to escalate from there.

"At least if I don't like it, I won't have to take one again."

"Exactly. But there's no harm in trying something new, right?"

"Right. New things aren't necessarily bad things."

Jude peeked his head up. "Talking just about poetry?"

"What else would I be talking about?" Connor asked.

"I don't know, us. Do you still think we're new?"

"Kind of. I mean, I guess so. We're not old yet."

"Yeah," Jude said. "One more kiss before we go?"

Connor's kiss was slow and brief this time, but Jude was smiling up at him when their lips parted. Then, Jude had bounced to his feet, holding his hands out to help Connor up. Connor accepted the assist, and Jude was the tall one again. He collected their garbage from the sand and they walked off, back to Gerald. Connor found a garbage can, and then they drove to his dorm room. When they pulled into the parking lot, Jude said, "I think you owe me something."

"What?"

"On your bad weekend, I gave you a new sweater, but I never got a new one back."

"Oh!" Connor said. "Well, I can fix that."

"I'll just wait here, okay? You won't be too long?"

"No, just, like, five minutes."

He wouldn't be any longer than that. He hurried up the stairs and into his room, feeling his stomach flutter as he did so. He knew he shouldn't feel nervous, he'd spent nights at Jude's apartment before, but it was going to be the first time since Connor's bad weekend. He didn't think the memories would come flooding back – he'd been okay in his dorm room – but he was also worried that Jude was going to be some kind of trigger. He hoped that wouldn't be the case. And they'd had a good day. He knew he'd gotten emotional, but the fact that he had been able to talk to Jude and go through the things that were bothering him made it a good day. Jude made it a good day so easily.

Connor packed his clothing and his toiletries quickly and then, after a moment of debate, put his journal inside of his backpack too. He was determined to write in it every day for at least two weeks. He wanted to really try and put effort into it, and try to turn it into a habit. He didn't know how long he wanted to keep up the journal, but he was going to try to see if it made a difference in his life. It was only fair that way. He paused in front of his sweatshirts. He didn't have very interesting clothing. Jude always gave Connor his old school sweaters, but Connor didn't have any of those. He didn't want to wear anything that could identify where he had lived before here. He didn't want anything that could trace him back to his old life and confirm his identity if anyone, like his ex, saw him. He picked out the sweatshirt with his new gym's logo on it. He'd bought it not long after he'd joined the gym and he knew it didn't have that new sweater smell anymore. He folded it over his arm and carried it down the stairs to Jude.

"It looks really cozy, thanks, baby."

They took the long way back to Jude's house so they didn't have to drive by his work again.

"So, what should we do now?"

"We could make snacks," Connor suggested, "and watch a movie."

"Sure. Why don't you let me make something for you this time though?"

Connor half-deflated. "I … I had a recipe."

"You're so cute, baby."

"Oh. Thanks."

"Okay, so, let's compromise."

Connor put his bag down so it was leaning against the end of Jude's bed. "What kind of compromise?"

"You can sit on the counter and read me the recipe and then we can see how I follow directions."

"Okay, but it's not that hard."

"Challenge accepted," Jude said, and he held his hand out. "Come on!"

Connor let Jude lead him into the kitchen. Jude patted the spot on the counter and told Connor to jump up.

"Sit on the counter?"

"Yes. You get my counter throne today," Jude teased. "You need to make sure you're bossing me around properly."

"Do you think I'm bossy?" Connor asked anxiously.

"No, baby, no. Not even a little," Jude said. "But it's important today if you're gonna make sure I follow instructions properly."

"Well, I guess that make sense."

Connor lifted himself onto the counter. It felt strange to seat himself up here. People weren't really supposed to sit on counters.

"So," Jude rubbed his hands together, "what are we making today?"

"Cinnamon roll popcorn."

"That sounds amazing, yes, let's do it. What do you put in that?"

"One second." Connor found the recipe on his phone. "First, we need to cook the popcorn."

"How much popcorn?"

"Uh … recipe says eight cups."

"Two bags?"

"Sure. We can measure once it's popped."

As the popcorn bags popped one by one, Connor instructed Jude on how much of the other ingredients they would need and what else to do. Jude greased the baking sheet and grinned.

"Like being the one in charge?"

"It feels weird doing nothing. I don't like it, Jude."

"Yeah, well, you do too much," Jude said. "You don't want to make me feel useless, do you?"

"You do too much," Connor told him. "You help me so much."

"And I'll help you now by making some snacks. C'mon, baby, let me love you."

"What?"

Jude looked at him. "Figure of speech."

Connor put his hand over his heart, trying to calm it. "I … I … I don't like that word. You know me and I know you and you can't say that, Jude, you can't."

"I know, I'm sorry. It was a figure of speech, one I probably shouldn't have used. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that I love you, like that. I just meant that … it's okay to let me take care of you."

"Which you do," Connor said, although he couldn't let himself be completely distracted. "I thought … you knew I … we couldn't fall in love."

"I thought I told you that I could fall in love with you. On my birthday weekend, remember?"

Connor nodded, though he hadn't wanted to remember. The thought of Jude falling in love wasn't something that he wanted to consider, ever. He didn't want to think about Jude falling in love with him, but he also didn't want to think about Jude falling in love with anyone else, which he knew wasn't fair. He wanted things to stay the same between them, because Connor liked how things were now. It was nice, it was comfortable, and it was the kind of relationship that Connor could stay in. He bowed his head as he realized he'd never considered if this was the type of relationship that Jude would be content to stay in.

"Connor, look –"

Connor held up his hand. "Can … Can we make a deal?"

"What kind of deal?"

"We talk about this after Christmas."

"After Christmas?" Jude repeated. "Why?"

"I, um, I think I need some time to think about what I'm going to say in a conversation like this. I want time to think about it from all sides, because I don't want to say the wrong thing and I want to make sure that I really mean what I say, and I'm just not trying to say something quickly because I think you want an answer. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, it makes sense. And, I understand," Jude said. "It's not a kind of conversation you want sprung on you."

Connor wasn't sure exactly what kind of conversation he was getting himself into. He didn't know what to think about the few sentences Jude had managed to get out. All he did know was that he wasn't ready for a conversation like that to start. And he was glad that Jude was so understanding.

"While you're doing your thinking, is there anything you think I should be thinking about?"

"Um, I … I don't know if … if that's where this was going to go, but, Jude, um … I like you, but I … I know, um, I'm n-n-never going to be able to fall in love again." It was too presumptuous of a thing to say. Jude wasn't in love with him. They had only known each other for a handful of months. Still, Connor didn't think it was a bad thing to establish. If Jude needed to be with someone who loved him back, then it was best for Jude to know, as soon as possible, that it wasn't going to be Connor.

"I know, Connor." Jude smiled and Connor felt himself start to relax. "Let's finish this popcorn and get to a movie, okay?"

"Sounds good," Connor said, and guided Jude through the rest of the steps.

The popcorn had to bake for a few minutes and while it did, they sat on the couch and searched for a movie to watch. It had felt like a very long day, and Connor just wanted to curl into Jude's side and relax for the duration of the bawdy comedy they'd found to watch. And so he did, wrapping the blanket around himself and cuddling under Jude's arm. He was almost indignant when Jude got up to get the popcorn and some drinks for the two of them.

"You look sleepy," Jude said.

"I feel kind of sleepy," Connor confessed. "But, I don't want to go to bed yet. It's still … really early."

"Well, let's try the popcorn."

Connor picked up one of the heated pieces from the glass bowl that Jude had transferred their snack to and tasted it.

"I like it," Jude said. "What do you think?"

"I really like it," Connor said. "I think we should make it more."

"It wasn't as hard to make as I thought it would be either," Jude said. "I wasn't sure I'd be able to manage it."

"I think you did a really great job."

"Thank you."

Jude kissed him briefly and his lips were sticky with the cinnamon mixture. Connor stayed under Jude's arm as they watched the movie and when it ended, Jude asked him what he wanted for dinner.

"We had such a big lunch, I'm thinking sandwiches or something else simple. Thoughts? Feelings?"

"There's not too many feelings I can have about a sandwich," Connor said.

Jude laughed. "That's fair. Would you like one to eat, though? I can make us some for supper."

"You don't have to make –"

"You made lunch. And sandwiches are –"

"Your speciality," Connor finished. "Right. I remember."

"I have very few skills I can impress you with. Let me have my sandwiches."

"I feel like I'm always impressed by you," Connor whispered.

"You're too sweet," Jude said, and he kissed Connor's cheek. "So, you sit here, relax, and I'll make some sandwiches."

"No, I can do the dishes from the popcorn –"

"No. It's your day off. If I don't decide you should take one every once in a while I know you're never going to take one. And it's only half a day, really, so there's not a whole lot to complain about."

"I wasn't complaining. I just don't like to do nothing when you do something."

"Then do something you want to do," Jude suggested. "That's not work."

Jude hefted himself off the couch and Connor turned to watch him flick on the kitchen light. He glanced at the T.V., but Jude always joined him in the kitchen or at the counter when Connor was cooking. He shifted uncomfortably and then he saw his bag. Now would be the perfect time to write something down in his journal. He could be in Jude's company but get something down while Jude wasn't leaning over his shoulder. He didn't think Jude would peek at a private journal, but he also knew how tempting it could be to look at something you weren't supposed to. He fetched his journal and favourite pen from his bag and took his stool.

Jude was standing at the sink, pouring in soap. "What's that?"

"Dr. Scott thought I should try journaling. I … didn't think I wanted to, but after the other weekend, I thought I should."

"Do you think it's going to be helpful?"

"I don't know. I'm hoping it will be."

"I'm going to put some music on. Is that okay?"

"I'd like that."

Happy pop music began to come from Jude's phone. Connor watched Jude's large hands dip beneath the soapy water, a sponge in his hand. Then, he turned the lock on his journal and flipped to where he left off. Last time, he'd been scribbling some half-hearted remembering concerning his ex-boyfriend, and he didn't really want to look at them right now. Instead, he started writing about the day he'd had, from beginning to end. He wanted to remember how sweet Jude had been today and how they had talked. He wrote about the things he was going to have to think about at Christmas, and then he took a chance and looked back, not at what he had written about his ex, but what he had written on the night they had gone to the movies with Jake and Amy.

Jude started to drain the sink and Connor looked up. He hadn't realized he had managed to write so much in so little time. Jude started pulling sandwich ingredients out of the fridge.

"Mayo or mustard or both?" Jude asked.

"Both, please," Connor answered.

"All done writing?"

"Almost." Connor turned back to the page he'd been working on. "There's more I want to write, but I'm not sure what it's going to be."

"Why's that?"

"I need to write about your answer to a question I haven't asked yet."

"Ask away, baby."

"I've been thinking about how Christmas break is coming up."

"Yeah?"

"And remember how you said, when we went out with Jake and Amy, that if I hated the night, I could avoid them until next term?"

"Yeah. Why, are we avoiding them until next term?"

The royal we. It made Connor feel … cozy. Yes, that was the right word. Cozy.

"N-n-no. There was just something else I've been thinking about. That if I hated it, I could avoid it until next term. Or, at least, the same circumstances."

"And it involves me? Now I'm concerned." Jude dropped the top slices of bread on both sandwiches and slid them in the oven, setting a timer. He then turned and leant on the counter next to the sink so that he and Connor were facing each other. "What's it about?"

"I want to try something new … with you. B-b-because I, um, think I'm ready for trying it. I think it'll be more good than bad for us."

"If it's awful, we don't have to keep going with … whatever it is," Jude said. "Don't keep me in suspense."

"I want to sleep next to you –"

"We've done that –"

" – in your bed. If that's okay. I-I mean, if you want me there too. It's just … that's what couples do. And I want to be at that place with you. Because when we were cuddling in my bed, I liked that. And we were able to sleep next toe each other on couches and what's the difference, really? I know you're not going to hurt me."

"No, no, of course not. I … One sec." Jude pulled the sandwiches out of the oven and put them on plates. Connor sat quietly as Jude brought their small dinner around to the counter and retrieved their water glasses from the coffee table. "Need anything else?"

"No, this is great," Connor said. "I didn't mean to invite myself into your space."

"No, it's not that. I love waking up next to you and I love sleeping next to you. I just know how you feel about beds."

"I want to try," Connor insisted. "I want to. I like being held by y-you when we're awake. And I … I could always make a pillow wall like I did on Halloween."

"You had an awful night on Halloween."

"I know. I don't think I'll have an awful night tonight. I'd like to try."

"Me too," Jude agreed. "Let's try these sandwiches before they get cold."

Connor picked up his sandwich with one hand and then he went to pick up his pen again. "Oh, do you mind? If I finish writing?"

"Not at all," Jude said. "I like how you look when you're concentrating on something."

"I like your cooking," Connor said. "Your sandwiches are always good."

"I did warn you."

"You did," Connor said. He angled his journal away from Jude, and glanced at Jude after he'd done that, and Jude was looking away from him, staring at his plate with unnatural effort. Connor knew that was for him, and he scribbled his ending paragraph as quickly as possible, as if he were in the last moments of a final exam. He finally put his pen down and locked his journal back up. "And thanks for the patience."

"I think you're worth waiting for."

Connor didn't know what to say to that. Jude dropped his last taste of crust onto his plate and stretched, a yawn escaping him.

"The night in the van made you tired," Connor said, though he thought he was stupid for saying it. It was such an obvious observation, and it was so clearly something that Jude was already aware of.

"Yeah, it's probably best I didn't try to work tonight. I still wouldn't be close to finishing my shift."

"You really didn't have to do that."

"I did," Jude said. "And I know it never crossed your mine to ask me to skip work, so, promise you won't feel guilty?"

"I'll do my best," Connor said. "Sometimes, I feel like I always feel guilty about something. Sometimes, those things aren't even my fault."

"Do you think this is your fault?"

"Well …" Instinct told Connor to say yes. If he said no, it was going to hurt. Jude didn't hurt him, though. It was why Connor was so willing to try new things with Jude. Not only that, but why he wanted to try new things with Jude. He decided to try and reason through it. Maybe if he laid all of the facts out, then, between he and Jude, he could figure it out. "Well, if I hadn't been upset, you wouldn't have called in sick, so that makes it my fault. But, I didn't ask you to call in sick. I didn't know you were going to do it, so that makes it not my fault. And I've been upset before and you've still gone to work. Which means that … it was your decision. Not mine. And I don't have to feel guilty about the things you decide to do."

"Makes perfect sense to me."

Connor smiled and folded his hands neatly in his lap, as if he were receiving the highest praise. "Oh, um, one thing, though? About … sleeping."

"It's just sleeping," Jude said. "I know. I'm not going to try anything you don't ask for."

"Oh, thanks," Connor said. "I mean, I … Yeah, but that's not what I was going to say."

"Oops."

"I … Especially, right now, I want to keep physical stuff and bed separate, does that make sense?"

"Absolutely. I don't want to repeat Halloween for you."

"Me either," Connor said quickly. "I think it's going to be … good. Better. I want … I mean, I like waking up next to you too."

"You're cute when you're awkward," Jude said.

Connor's cheeks heated and he looked down at the floor, watching Jude swing one foot idly back and forth.

"What else are you thinking?" Connor asked.

"Want compliments?" Jude asked. "'Cause I have lots of compliments I can give you."

"I wasn't fishing for anything," Connor protested. "Really. I just like when you tell me what you're thinking. I like how honest you are with your thoughts."

"I'm thinking I want to kiss you. And I'm not so tired that I couldn't make it through another TV show that we're not going to pay a lot of attention to. What do you think?"

"I think I … I think we should empty the dishwasher, because it's going to bother me all night if we don't."

Jude ducked his head and laughed, but Connor didn't feel like he was being laughed at.

"Come on, then, it'll take all of two minutes if it's just the two of us."

Even though it was Jude's dishwasher and Jude's dishes and Connor should know better when it came to Jude, he was still pleasantly surprised by Jude's help. It only took them a few minutes to get the dishes nestled in their proper places and then they found themselves laying on the couch. Jude nestled against Connor's side. Jude had one of his legs hooked over Connor's, like earlier at the beach. Jude was warm and comfortable. Connor turned on his side slightly, putting his back to the TV and facing Jude instead.

Jude met his eyes and bent forward slightly to brush Connor's lips with his own. Connor was getting more and more comfortable with physicality, especially from Jude, and after the beach, he was feeling confident. He was feeling bolder than he was used to. It was disconcerting, but he wasn't scared. He'd told himself before that he wasn't going to be scared of kissing Jude anymore, and he wasn't.

He kissed Jude again, and Jude's hand slid under his button up, over his t-shirt. Connor tensed as Jude's other hand pressed flat against his stomach, the heel of his hand on the border of being a little too low. The tips of Jude's fingers explored Connor's ab muscles and before he could think of how he was going to react, the tips of his fingers dug into the outside of Jude's thigh. Jude pulled him closer and Connor stopped breathing as he realized just how close they were. He leant back, just slightly, and Jude's eyes were more intense than Connor had ever seen them. He shifted himself back, so there was half an inch of space between them. He couldn't blame Jude for his body's reaction – not when Connor's had done the same thing – but he wasn't ready to feel it against him yet.

"Connor," Jude said. "You okay?"

"Yeah." He surprised himself by meaning it.

His hand was still on Jude's thigh, and he could feel the jean's seam – rougher against his skin than the rest of the soft denim. He moved his thumb against Jude's leg. Jude let out a shaky laugh.

"What is it?"

"It's not like this is my first relationship," Jude said, "and it's not the first time a guy's touched me either, but there's something that feels new about being with you. Does that make sense?"

"I think it does. That's what I feel." Connor closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to Jude's so that he didn't have to look at him as he said, "I think it's safe to say I h-h-have more experience than you, and being with you is so new it scares me."

"Scares in a bad way?"

"Not often," Connor said. "Not really anymore."

Connor's hand slipped to the back of Jude's neck and he kissed him again. Jude let out a small sigh and grabbed tightly onto the front of Connor's shirt, pulling him closer. Then, to Connor's surprise, Jude's hand splayed out on his chest and he felt pressure. Stop. Immediately, Connor pulled back. He'd been the person on the other end too many times. He'd never keep pushing. Even when he was surprised that Jude stopped him when Jude was usually the one pulling him closer and closer.

"Are you sure you're comfortable with this?"

Jude cared too much about him. Connor's heart constricted as he thought of the conversation that almost was and the things he'd promised to think about over Christmas. He thought about shaking his head and telling Jude that they'd gone too far already and that he kept making mistakes, but he didn't want to, because that wasn't what he felt.

"As sure as I am that you'll stop the moment I say something."

"So … really sure?"

"Really sure," Connor confirmed, imitating Jude's smile.

Jude tugged at the sides of Connor's button-up. "Can I take this off this time?"

"I'd still rather do it," Connor said. "I'm not even close to there yet."

"That's okay," Jude said. "But, can I see your arms?"

Connor sat up, feeling shaky and slid his shirt over his shoulders, putting it neatly on the back of the couch. He hesitated for a moment, unsure of where to go or what to do with his body. Jude reached for him and pulled him down, and Connor let himself go. He wasn't sure how he felt about the one who was hovering over Jude when he was so used to being the one who was being hovered over, but he also knew that he wasn't going to be able to be the one under Jude. He was glad Jude didn't seem to mind; if they ever got further than kissing, that was a conversation they were going to have. But after their conversation about sex a few days ago, Connor didn't want to get any closer to the topic than he had to. Right now, kissing was all he wanted to do. It was more than enough for him.

And Jude was good at kissing him.

Connor couldn't remember the last time he felt like this. He didn't know if he had ever felt like this, where to people were equally breathless and equally wanting the same things. Jude took one of Connor's hand in his and held tightly to him. Connor braced himself on that arm, worried he was hurting Jude, but Jude never gave any hint of complaint. Jude pulled one leg up and rested it against the back of couch. Connor could feel Jude's leg against his side and he felt like that was too much. It was like the most ungraceful invitation that Connor had ever seen and likely would ever see, unless Connor ever tried to make an attempt.

He settled down on his side so that they were laying like they were last time. He didn't mind it when Jude draped his leg across Connor's own. Their conjoined hands lifted above Jude's head to press into the arm of the couch. Jude's other arm was around Connor's waist grasping at Connor's t-shirt. Connor pressed his other hand above Jude's heart, feeling its rapid beating. Jude turned more into him and Connor realized how close Jude's throat was to his hand. He thought of a different hand, a different throat, a different time. Abruptly, he sat up and pulled away from Jude. He pressed his hands to his face, trying to block out the memories, trying to block out the fact the had put himself on the other side of the fence and it was making him feel dizzy.

Jude sat up, pulling his legs away from Connor, and Connor knew it was to give him space.

"No, no," Connor said. "I'm … I'm fine."

He wanted to be fine.

"Connor, really, it's all right. Do you want to talk about it?"

"He just …" Connor ran his hands through his hair. It was long, too long. Longer than he was supposed to have it, but as long as he wanted it. "You …. You're not stupid, Jude."

"I don't like to think of myself as stupid, anyway."

"He spent a lot of time … g-g-grabbing at my face. Which y-y-you've probably guessed," Connor said. "Normally, I … I don't project that sort of thing onto you. I don't … ever see myself as him."

"Because you are the opposite of him, Connor. You're not going to hurt me. Never once have I thought you were."

"I've never thought of hurting you either." Connor turned to face Jude. "I guess … guess I just want things that I'm not ready for. I don't expect those memories to come rushing back, they just do. I wasn't ready."

"And that's okay. I'm never going to be mad at you for needing to take more time."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, baby, of course. Never feel like you have to push yourself for my sake. That's the last thing I want."

Connor looked at Jude's soft face. "C-c-could you, um, sit close? I … want to try something."

"Sure." Jude scooted to the middle of the couch so that his knee touched Connor's.

Connor turned to face Jude. His hand trembled as he raised it slowly to Jude's face. Jude watched him carefully, but it wasn't Jude who shook as Connor's fingers brushed across his cheek and down the side of his neck. Jude was just watching him with that steady gaze that showed nothing but interest in what Connor was going to do. Interest and trust. Never did Jude think, for even half a second, that Connor was going to do anything to hurt him. Connor was watching for the moment where Jude wondered, but it never came. Connor thought he could wrap his hand around Jude's neck – not push, just rest gently, as if he were going to push down – and Jude would still look at him like that. He repulsed himself with the thought. He was never going to do that. He was never going to be that person. He hated himself for thinking about it. He pulled his hand away from Jude and folded his hands in his lap.

"You okay?"

Connor nodded. He wished Jude didn't have to ask that question so often.

"My mind just got away from me."

"Sure. What do you want to do now?"

Connor glanced at the TV. "Let's … finish the movie. And then … then I think you should ask me again."

"Okay, let's do that."

Connor knew Jude would agree. Jude was good like that. He pulled the plaid blanket from the back of the couch and wrapped himself up in it, even though he knew there wasn't much left to the movie. He just needed a moment of quiet, to let his head settle. Jude curled at the opposite end of the couch and Connor knew it was so that he could have his own space. He rested his head against the arm of the couch and waited for the movie to end. When it had, he picked up his head up.

"Are you ready to go to bed?"

"Yeah," Jude said. "Are you … Do you want the couch or do you still want to come with me?"

"I've made up my mind," Connor said. "It's hard for me to do that. And, so, once I know I want something, I like to stick to that."

"Then, let's get ready for bed."

Jude let Connor have the bathroom first, and he took his backpack. He put his pyjamas on and methodically brushed his teeth. He borrowed a facecloth to scrub at his face and took a deep breath. Something about soap always made him feel cleansed; more relaxed. He bowed his head and then turned his back on the mirror to pull on his pyjamas.

He didn't linger in the bathroom. He knew that Jude needed it too. While he waited for Jude, he tucked his journal in his bag, fiddled with everything inside of it, and stared at Jude's bed. It wasn't that scary; he knew that. He had woken up on Jude's bed before, with Jude draped across his lap, and he had just been able to sit there and play with Jude's hair, half hoping it would wake him up and half hoping it wouldn't. It was just a bed. Beds weren't scary and Jude wasn't scary and those two things together, then, logically, weren't scary. He could work with logic.

He half-jumped when Jude opened the bathroom door.

"Hey, you could have claimed a spot on the bed."

"It's your bed. I couldn't just … get in without you. And I … wanted a good night kiss."

"But, no kissing in bed. It's a rule," Jude said. He cocked a grin and walked up to Connor, sliding his hands along Connor's forearms. "This isn't bed, though."

"No. Which is why I waited here."

Their goodnight kiss was tame compared to the way they had kissed earlier that day. He could still feel the gasp of Jude's breath against his lips and it made his heart quicken. He opened his eyes and pushed his hand gently against Jude's abdomen. Jude leant back immediately.

"Do you want them inside or the outside of the bed?"

"Inside," Connor said. "I like being able to have a wall."

"Inside it is."

Connor sidled to the wall and then Jude started to pull the curtains. He peeked over his shoulder, "Oh! You didn't like the curtains closed all the way before. What do you think now?"

"Maybe a little space open," Connor said, but he didn't want to intrude. Jude had said before that he slept better with the curtains closed.

"By our feet or by our heads?"

"You pick."

Jude left the corner by their feet open, which Connor was grateful for. It was the one that he would have picked, if he'd been able to pick at all. Jude pulled the covers down and Connor's hand hovered at the corner of the comforter. He'd been here before, on Halloween. But he and Jude had been different, then. He hadn't trusted Jude nearly as much as he did now. He settled against the cool sheets and put the blanket over him, letting himself sink into the mattress. He turned on his side to face Jude, his eyes adjusting to the darkness so that he could pick up the vague features of Jude's face.

"Hate this so far?" Jude asked.

"No."

Even though he and Jude were laying on far sides of the mattress, and even though Jude had a big bed, Connor felt like he was too close. He could feel how easy it would be for Jude's hand to snake up toward him.

"Do you, um, mind if I try something?"

"Resurrecting the pillow wall from last time?"

"Not completely."

"Go ahead."

Jude had a long pillow, and Connor found it at the bottom of the bed. He dragged it back up and put it in the middle between he and Jude. He could feel Jude's confusion.

"It's like … a no man's land." It was the best term he could come up with.

"My side and your side?"

"For now. I … I'm hoping I get comfortable soon. I want to want this. I want to be able to do this with you."

"One step at a time."

"It's how we take everything."

Jude laughed. "It's how everyone takes everything. Don't take it so personally."

Jude's foot brushed against Connor's own. Connor's stomach fluttered, but he trapped Jude's ankle between his calves, holding him in the only way he could manage.

"Can I have a hand?" Jude asked.

"I think so."

Connor brought his hand up to the bottom of the long pillow and Jude caught it. He rubbed his thumb over the back of Connor's hand. "Is kissing your fingers okay or no kissing at all in bed?"

"You'd want to kiss my fingers?"

"Sure, why do you ask like that?"

"Fingers?"

"It's a tiny sign of affection. You've kissed my fingers before."

"I know. It just sounds weird when you ask about it like that."

Jude's lips brushed the tips of Connor's fingers.

"That tickles, a little."

Jude kissed him again. "Goodnight, baby."

"G-goodnight, Jude."

Connor closed his eyes and held onto Jude's hand tightly. He just had to concentrate on falling asleep, and it would happen.

It would.

The chapter's title is after the song Out Of Reach by Gabrielle. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~