Chapter 5: Fatherhood for Dummies

"She's yours, son," Dad said, passing me the paternity test results.

It was clear, written in black and white, that the little one was my daughter. She was mine. My flesh and blood. I didn't want to admit it, but I knew it. There was a feeling that I was connected to her. I know that sounds like bullshit, but it was true. My entire life . . . everything I had planned for myself . . . it was all out the window. I had a kid. I had a fucking kid. A kid that only had me now. I felt pretty fucking terrible for myself, but I felt even worse for Little One. She had me as a dad.

"What do I do?" I whispered, burying my face in my hands, letting the paper fall to the floor.

After three exhausting days, I had to figure out what the next step was, and I was completely clueless.

"You man up and be a father," he said. "We'll help you as much as we can, but she's your daughter. You have to take care of her. She's your priority now."

I shook my head. "I can't fucking do this."

"You don't have a choice. The son I raised is a good person. He's responsible."

"I'm not responsible! I fuck anything that's hot and comes my way in a bar."

"Not anymore you don't."

"It's who I am. It's what I like doing. I can't fucking go to play dates and read bedtime stories to a kid. That's not me."

"Look at that precious girl by your feet," he said, leaning back in his chair. "She depends on you now. Everything you will do affects her in some way."

"Great. So I'm responsible for ruining her life?"

"You're responsible for giving her a good life."

"And if I can't? Then what?"

He took his reading glasses off and set them in front of him. "I believe you can, son. You're life has changed permanently now."

"What if I don't want it to change?"

"Again, you don't have a choice."

"I'm getting a fucking vasectomy," I sighed.

He laughed. "Oh, Edward, if you think you'll have time for sex, you have another think coming."

I sat up and ran my hand through my hair. "It's not funny."

"It's a little funny."

"Not even close. I like sex. I don't like kids."

"They go hand-in-hand, my boy. You should know this. How much money did I spend putting you through medical school for you to forget that sex leads to babies?"

"You know, I realize that's how it happens, but not for me. I'm careful. How the fuck did I manage this?"

He smirked. "Condoms fail?"

"You're kind of pissing me off right now. This is serious shit."

"Watch your language around her. Before you know it, she'll be picking up those words."

I rolled my eyes. "She's two months old. I think I have time."

"Start the process now. It'll be easier."

"Great, I can't have sex or cuss. I am just loving fatherhood already."

"It gets better." He grinned. "You also can't drink."

"What?"

"What if she needs you? You can't exactly help her if you're drunk."

I groaned. "Fan-fucking-tastic."

He narrowed his eyes at me.

"Sorry."

. . . . .

I had a list. An actual list that told me what I needed to do now. Dad wrote it for me. I was so incompetent that he had to write me a fucking list. First thing was the lawyer. I had to make it official and get my name on the little one's birth certificate. Thankfully, the good old family lawyer handled most of it. With the paternity test results, it wasn't hard, but it'd take time. The lawyer contacted Kate, and she signed everything he faxed. At least she was cooperating. The second thing on the list was to get a pediatrician. That was simple enough. I made an appointment for Friday. The third thing was shopping. Fucking shopping.

"Do you really need my input on this?" I asked Mom as we walked through the store.

"Yes, I do. Besides, shopping for a baby is fun!" she said, grinning as she pushed the cart.

The little one was fast asleep in the car seat I carried. I doubted she really fucking cared about what her nursery looked like, but I had to take her everywhere with me. Needless to say, I avoided leaving the house as much as possible lately. She made shit so difficult. It took more time getting her ready to leave than how long it'd take to actually run the errands half the time.

"I don't find this fun, Mom."

"Well, start because this is happening," she said. "Oh, look how cute!"

And that was how the afternoon went. She'd say something was cute, I'd nod, and then she'd decide it wasn't what she wanted. About an hour in, Sofia decided to get back at me by shitting. Would Mom take her to the bathroom and change her? No. That was my job. I loathed shitty diapers. The piss ones I didn't mind so much. But the shitty ones . . . disgusting. I had no issues with sticking my hands in blood and guts, but changing a dirty diaper was nasty. It was everywhere. It never failed that I got it on my hands. After the first time, I came up with the brilliant idea of using medical gloves. I swiped a few boxes when Dad took the swabs for the paternity test. Genius.

"You couldn't wait 'til we got home?" I asked Little One as I laid her down on the changing table.

She just smiled a little, mocking me. Well, probably not. She seemed to smile a lot.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," I said as I pulled on the gloves and got to work.

I was pretty sure her shit stunk worse than mine. She liked to wiggle around, making more of a mess. The child was going to be the death of me. After getting her all changed and making her happy again, we continued with shopping.

"It's been almost a week, Edward," Mom said. "You'll have to tell everyone soon."

"Rosalie is going to have a nice comment about this."

She nodded. "Probably, but don't let her get to you. You know, she could help you. She just went through this with Ben."

"Think she'd want to watch Sofia when I work?"

She laughed. "I highly doubt it. I'll help out as much as I can, but you'll have to find a daycare for her."

"Yeah, but I still have the issue of night shifts."

"I'd say consider a live-in nanny, but your apartment is only two bedrooms. I'll help when I can for night shifts, but you'll need to find an alternative."

I sighed. "Dad wants me back at work next week, so I have until then."

"We'll figure it out. Now, we're having dinner tomorrow night," she said. "You and Sofia are coming. It's time to tell the family."

I was dreading Rosalie. She'd have a field day with this. "How about next week instead?" I asked.

"You can't keep putting it off. Do you know how much I dislike lying to my daughter? Emmett's told her you haven't been at work. She's suspicious."

"Wonderful," I sneered. "But I guess it's time. It's not like I can hide my kid."

"Exactly, and she might surprise you." She smiled.

"Yeah, right."

"It'll be fine," she said. "So I think I've picked a nursery set."

About fucking time.

. . . . .

Little One was fussier than ever. She threw a huge fucking fit as I tried to get her ready to leave for my parents the next day. Apparently, she had the same feelings as me. We had something in common. Good. I wanted to throw a fit of my own.

"Maybe I should forget to bring diapers, so we have a reason to leave early," I said, laying her down in the car seat. "Mom would know I did it on purpose, though, and she'd be pissed."

I had grown a little used to talking to Sofia. I could say anything, and she didn't have an opinion. She'd just lay there and look at me. I didn't have anyone to talk to about this except my parents. I hadn't told Jasper yet. My excuse for being out of work was being ill, which I was sure he wasn't buying. He'd text me every day and ask how I was and when I was coming back to work. The plan was to go back on Monday. It was Thursday now, so I didn't have long to figure out where Little One would go when I was at work. I knew Mom would do what she could until I figured something out, but it wasn't her job. I had so much shit on my plate, and I didn't know how to handle it all.

When we got to Mom and Dad's house, I got Little One's car seat out of the back and tried to prepare myself. Hell, maybe Rosalie wouldn't be a bitch about this. And even if she was, who the fuck cared? It was my life, not hers. I was taking responsibility.

Mom opened the door and instantly took Sofia from me with a smile as she led us into the living room where everyone was. The second Mom entered with the car seat in hand, Rosalie's and Emmett's eyes were glued on it.

"What is that?" Rosalie asked as I sat down and Mom sat the car seat in front of me.

I pulled Little One out of it and held her to my chest.

"Edward, do you plan on sharing why you're holding a baby?" Emmett asked.

"This is my daughter, Sofia," I said.

"You have a daughter?" Rosalie asked. "Since when?"

"Since about a week ago when her mother left her with me."

"Dude," Emmett sighed. "That's . . . holy shit."

"Yeah, I know."

"So let me get this straight," Rosalie said. "You knocked a girl up, and she just left the kid with you? Did she not realize you don't do children?"

"I don't think she cared too much."

"Did she realize you'll be the worst father in the world? What was wrong with her? Leaving the baby girl with you? Was she insane?"

"Thanks, sis. That boost of confidence was just what I needed."

"What kind of mother would leave a baby with you?" she asked, shaking her head.

"Rosalie," Dad said, "that's enough. Your brother is doing the best he can with what's happened."

"So you lied about poor Edward being sick?" she asked, looking to Mom.

"Edward wanted to wait to get the paternity test results back before telling people," Mom said. "We were just following his wishes."

"And she's seriously his?"

I nodded. "Without a doubt."

She leaned back and started laughing. "I knew your dick would get you in trouble. I just never expected you to screw up this bad. Ever heard of a condom, little brother?"

"Babe," Emmett said. "He's obviously aware he messed up. Maybe you shouldn't rub it in."

"Emmett, he's gone on and on about how he dislikes children! This is priceless."

"You know what?" I asked. "I'm well aware that I fucked up. I don't need you going on like this."

"Let me have one more, okay? And then I'll stop."

I waved my hand, telling her to go on.

"Can you just tell me, what did you do when you change your first poopy diaper?"

"I almost threw up because it got on my hands. Happy now?"

She laughed. "Yes, okay, now I'm sorry."

"Good."

"How are you uh . . . doing with it?"

"I'm exhausted, pissed at myself, and exhausted."

"You'll get used to the lack of sleep," she said. "What are going to do with her when you're working?"

"Find a daycare, I guess. I don't have many options."

"I've been looking at a few for Ben, so I'll give you my top picks. See? I can be a helpful sister."

"Shocking."

"Now can I hold her?"

I nodded and walked over to her, laying Little One down. She started crying, and I may have been proud of her in that moment. Rosalie quickly gave Sofia back to me and remarked how she was a loud mouth like her dad.

The evening went pretty smoothly after that. I fed Sofia before dinner, and Mom took pictures. Why? I didn't have a fucking clue. She said something about how her baby boy was growing up. I was feeding a hungry baby. It didn't seem like that big of a deal.

Through dinner, Mom and Rosalie talked about the upcoming vow renewals — upcoming meaning in two months. I drowned out the talk of flowers and guests by eating the good, home cooked meal and watching Little One to make sure she was okay. She was just sucking on her pacifier, looking around.

"You're coming back Monday, right?" Emmett asked. "Carlisle loaded me up with all your cases."

"Yeah, I'll be there as long as I figure out what to do with Little One," I said.

Everyone's eyes snapped to me. "What did you call her?" Mom asked, smiling.

"Uh . . . Little One?"

"That is so sweet," Rosalie said. "I didn't know you could be sweet."

"It's not a big deal."

"That's precious," Mom said. "And if you don't have someone by Monday, you can bring her over here in the morning. Carmen has handled the shop just fine without me for the few days I took off this week."

Mom co-owned a flower shop in town with her best friend Carmen. They had a few employees, so she could take time off when she needed. She didn't even go in every day anyway. They opened the shop together when I was in high school, and Mom didn't feel the need to be home so much anymore. She enjoyed flowers and having something to occupy her time. Dad supported her because he wanted to make her happy, and this made her happy.

"Thanks, Mom. I'll start looking tomorrow. Sofia has her doctor's appointment in the morning, but then I'll start getting serious about it."

"Call me, and I'll tell you where to start," Rosalie said.

. . . . .

When Little One and I got home that evening, New Girl was unlocking her door. She looked at me and smiled before looking at the car seat.

"How is everything going?" she asked.

"So far so good. I haven't killed myself yet," I joked.

She raised an eyebrow. "That's . . . good. I take it she's . . . you know? Yours?"

"Yeah, we got the paternity test back a few days ago. She's my daughter."

She smiled. "I don't know if you want it or not, but congratulations. I'm sure you'll make a great dad."

I laughed. "Right."

"I'm serious. If you were that bad, you wouldn't have kept her, even knowing that she was yours. You're doing a good thing by being responsible. She's going to need you."

"She's going to hate me."

"I'm speaking from experience here. One day, she'll thank you for stepping up. I did."

"What does that mean?"

She shrugged. "Let's just say I know her side of things."

She left me in the hallway with that. New Girl was a bit of a mystery. She swept in when I needed her, knew all of my business, but only gave me that small amount of information about herself. Then again, it wasn't like I was trying to get to know her or be her friend. Honestly, I wouldn't even know how to be a friend to a chick. Which reminded me, it had been eight days since I got laid, and I didn't see that need being fulfilled anytime soon. It seemed it'd just be me and my hand from now on.

Life was fucking cruel.