Chapter 6: Figuring it Out, Kind Of

I honestly wished Little One was old enough for ice cream or some shit after her doctor's appointment. I thought I knew how loud she could scream and cry. I was wrong. Five shots later, and she was pissed, but she was protected, so I tried not to feel bad. I kind of did, though, which was why I wished I could buy her ice cream.

After being told she was perfectly healthy and to watch out for any side effects, I brought Little One home and did the only thing I knew she liked — besides eating. I bathed her. She liked that. She'd go limp and into this weird relaxed state where her lips were stuck in a small smile. Yeah, the little one very much liked me when I was running warm water over her. She fell asleep after I changed, fed, and laid her in the swing.

Rosalie emailed me a list of daycares to call, and I made appointments to see them on my lunch hour Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of this upcoming week. I just prayed one of them would be good enough. My kid deserved a good place, after all. I still didn't know if I could be a good dad, but I could at least give her the best things in life. It wouldn't make up for her mom or a shitty dad, though, and I felt bad for that.

Around four in the afternoon, Sofia's nursery furniture was delivered and Mom came by to supervise. My spare bedroom that once held a desk and a few bookcases was now a nursery. Mom spent the evening decorating, turning it into a pink wonderland. I had never seen so much pink in my life. Since we didn't have time to paint like she wanted, Mom made the taupe walls work with the bedding. I honestly didn't give a fuck, and I doubted Sofia did either. The things babies needed shocked me. There was so much shit in this room. I did like the changing table, though. No more getting crap on the freshly washed blankets.

The laundry this kid made me do was ridiculous. Every day I had to wash things. She'd spit up on her blankets and clothes. Besides her things, I had to wash my shirts because she'd get shit, drool, and unwanted formula on those, too. Babies were fucking messy. Part of me thought Little One got some kind of cruel satisfaction out of making more of a mess than necessary.

"She may not like sleeping in here right away," Mom said, looking around the pink wonderland. "When you were a baby, I kept you in a bassinet in our room until you were six months old. It took us a while to get you adjusted to being alone."

"So . . . what should I do?"

"When you put her down tonight, pull the rocking chair over and stay with her for a little while. What's the longest period of time she's slept for?"

"Around four hours. Those four hours were heaven," I sighed, remembering last night when I actually slept decent. I may or may not have kissed Little One on the cheek when she woke up.

She nodded. "Feed her right before bedtime and stay in here with her for about an hour. If she wakes up, just rock her in the rocking chair and put her back down after she's been asleep for a bit."

I nodded. "Got it."

"Did you find a few daycares?"

"Yeah, and I have appointments to see them on my lunch hours. I doubt any of them will let me start her before next week, though."

"I'll let Carmen know I won't be in this week."

"What do you need me to bring Monday morning?"

"The portable crib, bouncer, change of clothes, and diapers and formula."

"Okay, thank you, Mom. I know this has affected you too, and I'm sorry."

She smiled. "It's all right. I love her, Edward."

I cocked my head. "You do?"

"Of course, silly! How could someone not love her?"

I ran my hand through my hair and plopped down in the rocking chair. "How can I tell if I do?"

"Oh, honey," she sighed. "You're just getting used to this. It may take some time, but I have no doubt that you do love her. Somewhere inside that heart of yours, you love her. It shows in everything you're doing for her."

I shrugged. "I feel like it should be more . . . obvious to me, I guess."

"It'll happen," she said. "I'm going to go home, all right? If you need me, give me a call."

"Yeah, thanks, Mom."

She leaned down and kissed my forehead. "You're welcome. I love you."

. . . . .

After dropping Little One off with Mom, I headed to the hospital. I exchanged her SUV with Tanya for the day. How I had missed her. She still purred just right for me. I would eventually have to accept the fact that I'd have to get rid of her. That'd be a sad day. I spent the drive trying to figure out how to tell Jasper about the little one. It wasn't like I could hide my daughter from him. My daughter . . . I was still trying to get used to that.

After signing in and changing into my scrubs, I set out to find Jasper. He'd probably be pissed I lied to him and hid a baby, but honestly, what else was I supposed to do? I quickly found him coming out of a patient's room.

"You're back," he said, placing the chart he held on the counter.

"I am, and I need to talk to you," I said. "Can you take a few minutes?"

"Uh, sure. I just need to check on one more patient first, and then I'm all yours."

"Great. Meet me in the supply closet."

He smirked. "Now, Edward, you know I'm not that kind of girl."

I rolled my eyes. "Just meet me in there, asshole."

"So serious," he said. "Should I be worried?"

"Well, I've been lying about being sick, so take that as you will."

By the time Jasper showed up in the supply closet, his joking demeanor was gone, and he wanted to know what was up. He thought I was fucking around when I told him, so he started laughing. When he realized I wasn't, he wanted to know why the hell I hadn't told him. I didn't really have much of an excuse, except the fact that I had enough shit on my plate.

"No more drinks?" he asked.

"I don't think they allow babies in bars," I said.

"Pretty sure they don't," he laughed. "Maybe when you're better adjusted you can get a babysitter. Until then, if you need some help, and I'm not saying I know anything about kids because I don't, but I'll do what I can. I'll keep you sane."

"Thanks, man," I said. "So . . . apparently she looks like me."

"That'd be one ugly ass kid then."

"She's . . . cute, I guess. Cutest baby I've ever seen."

"Aww, you're being all fatherly," he laughed. "Don't tell me you have a picture of her."

I stayed silent. I didn't take it, but Mom had texted me the one from Thursday when I fed Little One.

"You do! You have to let me see."

"I think it could be used against me, so no."

"Dude, give me your phone or this supply closet meeting is going to get very awkward when I grab it from your waist."

"Touch me, and you'll regret it," I said, pulling my phone out of the clip. "Use this against me, and I'll never speak to you again."

I passed him the phone and he laughed. "Swear to God, I never thought I'd see the day."

"So do you think she looks like me?"

He kept laughing. "I can't tell. But she does have a nipple in her mouth, so the similarities are daunting."

"That's not fucking funny," I said, snatching the phone away. "She's my kid. No sex jokes about her."

"Damn, you're sensitive about her, aren't you?"

I shrugged. "Can we keep this between us for now? I don't want the entire hospital to know my business."

"Your secret child is safe with me."

. . . . .

I was exhausted by the time I picked up Little One and got home. The lack of sleep was definitely not okay. If I didn't figure something out, I'd wind up fucking up at work and hurting someone. Little One and I were going to have a conversation tonight about keeping me awake.

When I got her home and ordered pizza, since I didn't feel like cooking, Little One decided to make my day just great with a shitty diaper. She was probably saving it just for me.

"You're quite hilarious," I said, snapping on the gloves. "Good thing I've become immune to your shit smell."

I undid the diaper just as she decided to piss. I was pretty fucking thankful she wasn't a boy, otherwise, I'd be covered in it — not just my hands. I waited until she was done, and then cleaned her up and put her in a new diaper. She had been slobbering more and more lately, so I left the onesie off and put a bib on her. Mom's idea. Had I mentioned she was a genius? Well, she was. She even supplied me with packs of bibs.

I brought Little One out to the living room and laid her blanket down on the floor. I laid her down on her tummy. It was supposed to be good for muscle building or some shit. The baby book said so. Yes, I was reading a baby book Mom gave me. My main goal was to not fuck the kid up, so I was trying to do what I could.

"This book says you like to hear me talk," I said, sitting down next to her. "That's a good thing because I like to talk. I've been told I have a great voice."

She made a few sounds — grunts — as she lifted her head a little off the floor. See? Muscle building.

"So I saved a kid's spleen today." I grinned. "That's what I do. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this yet, but I'm a surgeon, and a pretty good one, too. Someday you might be proud of that."

She kicked against the blanket and moved a little.

"Nice. Just don't start crawling yet," I said. "I haven't baby proofed anything. Though, I think rolling over is before crawling anyway. I should expect that in a few weeks according to this."

I set the book down and picked her up, turning her onto her back in front of me. She made a few sounds and smiled. I put my hand against her belly and rubbed softly.

"We need to talk about the sleep thing. If you manage to give me five hours a night, straight through, I'll buy you a convertible when you're sixteen. Sound like a deal?" I asked. "Yeah, that's not going to happen, but five hours would be nice."

Someone knocked on my door, so I picked her up and set her in the bouncer before I grabbed the money off of the end table. It wasn't the pizza guy, though. It was New Girl, and she had mail.

"The mailman confused us," she said, handing it to me.

"Thank you. I have a piece of yours, actually," I said. "It's from a few days ago. I just haven't had the chance to run it over. Come on in."

I opened the door for her, and she smiled, stepping through. She looked around the apartment and started walking toward Sofia.

"I like what you've done with the place," she laughed, noting all the baby shit.

"Yeah, I think it's me," I chuckled as someone else knocked on the door. "I really hope that's the pizza guy."

"Oh, pizza sounds good."

I paid the guy and took my pizza, sniffing it hungrily. Fuck, I was hungry. New Girl was sitting on the floor in front of Little One, talking softly as I set the pizza on the counter in the kitchen. I grabbed her mail and came back over.

"She's gotten cuter," she said.

I smirked. "I'm starting to see the resemblance more and more every day."

She took the mail from me and stood up. "Well, thank you," she said, looking to the door.

"Sure, no problem." And then I got an idea. "Do you want to stay for pizza? I wouldn't mind talking to someone who could talk back," I laughed.

She bit her lip and nodded. "I'd love some pizza."

I grabbed a few slices and put them on plates before coming back out to the living room. New Girl was playing with Sofia, making her smile and coo. As we ate, we starting talking a little. She started with the weather, saying she thought I needed grownup talk.

"The rain has been wonderful," I said, smirking.

"Are you still home with her?" she asked, wiping her face with the napkin.

I shook my head, chewed, and swallowed. "Went back to work today. I've been looking for daycares and the one I saw today seemed good."

"I'm a kindergarten teacher, so a lot of my students go to daycare after school. I know of a few good ones, if you need help."

"I have a list if you want to tell which ones would rank high for you." I smiled.

She wiped her hands on the napkin and smiled back. "Let me see it."

She went through the list with me and told me to mark a few off for whatever reason. I told her what I was looking for, and she narrowed it down to two. I needed close to the hospital, a good reputation, and somewhere Sofia wouldn't just be another kid. Little One deserved to get attention, especially if I couldn't always give it to her.

"This one is one of the best," she said, pointing to the one I saw today. "Banbury Corner has an amazing reputation. None of my parents have ever spoken bad about it."

"It's only three blocks from the hospital too, which is perfect," I said. "I just . . . you know, would feel better if she was close by in case something happened."

"Well, look at that. You're already a good dad."

I shrugged. "I'm being logical. If she got hurt, I'd want her to be able to get help as quickly as possible."

She grinned. "And to think I thought you were just some douchebag with a revolving door," she laughed.

"Excuse me?"

She covered her mouth, trying to stop laughing. "In the few weeks I lived here before Sofia arrived, I saw a girl leave every few mornings . . . doing the walk of shame as I left for work."

"Were you spying on me?" I smirked.

She flushed bright red. "No! I . . . they were hard to miss, is all. I was not spying."

"Sure," I said.

"I wasn't!" she defended. "I just noticed a pattern."

"It wasn't that bad."

She cocked her head. "Now who is living in denial?"

"Does that mean you were spying on me?"

She rolled her eyes. "I wouldn't call it spying."

"Just observing closely?"

"Maybe. But again, hard not to notice the parade."

"Well, those days are over," I sighed.

"Good."

"Good?"

"You have kid to take care of, so those days being over is a good thing."

Little One interrupted the adult conversation by fussing. It was time for her to eat, so New Girl said goodbye and left us alone. She wasn't as weird as I had thought. First impressions may have been wrong because talking to her was kind of nice.

It also didn't hurt that she was nice to look at. I was a man, after all, so it was hard not to notice those things.

Those things meaning her boobs.