Barefoot And Bruised

by The Last Letter

AU. Jude was twenty and not even thinking about love when he met Connor Stevens, a boy who took his heart almost immediately. But Connor has a past he still has to struggle with daily and resists falling in love, even as he and Jude grow closer. Even as it seems everything will be all right, Connor's past refuses to lie, and Jude finds himself in a battle with Connor's demons.

44. Don't Worry About Me

"Hi, Dad."

Connor adjusted his laptop screen to better see his father.

"I was about to start packing this morning," Adam began, "And then I thought of something."

"What's that?"

"You don't have luggage there."

"Oh." Connor leant back in his desk chair and then straightened up. "I … guess I was wrong to assume. I th-th-thought you'd just bring my b-bags with you."

It was what they'd done before. With the lack of space that Connor had in his room, there hadn't been any place to store suitcases, so after Connor had unpacked his dorm room, Adam had flown his empty bags back home with him.

"That was my plan after I realized I had to," Adam said. "I just thought I should talk to you, because that doesn't give you a lot of time to pack. Is that going to be okay?"

"It should be. I'll have everything organized for the morning you land, so I just have to transfer it into bags when you get here."

"Good, good," Adam mused, and then he asked, "I didn't interrupt anything, did I?"

"I was just doing some studying. But it's for my last exam and I'm going to be overprepared for it."

"Not a bad thing," Adam said. "Just make sure you're doing your best."

It was a very father thing to say. Connor nodded, because Adam acting like a father wasn't something that he had gotten used to yet. He didn't dislike it, but he was just never sure how to react to it. That worried him, because if they grew this awkward in a four minute Skype conversation, he didn't understand how they were going to spend two and a half weeks in New York with one another. He just hoped that there would be enough new things to talk about that it would keep them going. Dinner plans could take up a good amount of conversation. The thing that Connor was really looking forward to was hearing stories about his mother. Adam had promised, and that was all Connor wanted.

"I am, Dad."

"Good. Have you thought about what restaurant you want to go to with Jude? Pick anywhere you want."

"I'm still thinking about it. It'll be a good place," Connor swore. "Where would you like to go?"

"Where you would," Adam said. "You're living there. You know what's good. I trust you."

Connor didn't want that burden. It was food, but a lot depended on that dinner. It was when Adam would meet Jude, and Connor needed them to like one another. He needed them to get along. If Adam liked Jude, then it was proof to Connor that Jude truly was different from Connor's ex. Connor thought Jude was; he really believed Jude was. Still, Connor didn't always trust his own mind. He didn't think his perception was always trustworthy. If Adam liked Jude, then it was a confirmation of everything that Connor thought about Jude. Connor was anticipating on being proven right. He really didn't think it was possible to misconstrue just how good Jude was.

"All right, well, I'll let you go," Adam said, "so you can get back to studying."

"Okay, Dad. I … I'll see you in a few days."

"See you in a few days," Adam echoed. "I love you."

"You too."

Connor hung up the Skype call and opened his class notes again. He had just finished repositioning his notebook and picking up his pen when his cell phone lit up from his alarm going off. It was time to get ready to see Jude. Connor's heart fluttered as he tucked his school supplies away and stood up to rifle through his small closet. Jude had sent him a text earlier, telling him he should wear something nice. He had specified that it wasn't formal, but to wear nice jeans and something that wasn't his normal t-shirt and button up. Now, Connor was at a loss of what to wear. He didn't have a lot of nice clothes and university. He hadn't thought he'd be doing anything that would warrant them. And he wondered what Jude could also be planning. He wondered if he'd like it. He'd never really disliked any of Jude's plans before, but something nice might just be too far out of his element. He'd never done nice. With his ex, they were either at home, or they were out somewhere fancy and formal. That was the life that Connor knew how to navigate.

He dug out his darkest pair of jeans and was glad that he kept up on his laundry. Then, he pulled on a white tank top and started searching for a button-up that could be considered nice. Nothing plaid counted. Did he have anything that was a solid colour? He must. And he found it: a light grey shirt, hidden at the bottom of his shirts. It still had the tags on it; something new his father had bought him to take to school with him. He carefully snipped off the tags and pulled it over his shoulders, quickly doing up the buttons. He smoothed out the front of the shirt and looked down before realizing he needed a mirror. He flicked on his bathroom light and stepped inside, trying to inspect his reflection through a lens that didn't sound like his ex. He thought he looked okay, but what did he really know?

Connor checked the time again. Jude should be here soon. He started rifling through his jackets and sweaters. Would it be chilly tonight? Would they be outside or inside? He knew Jude wanted to surprise him with the date, but Connor wished he had more details. He couldn't even decide on something as simple as whether or not to wear a jacket. It was easier when his ex dressed him; he didn't have to go through the endless parade of whether or not he was going to be under-dressed or overdressed or what Jude would be wearing comparatively. He finally pulled on a light, plain black soft jacket.

His phone buzzed. Jude was here.

Connor picked up the Christmas present he had gotten for Jude and carefully wrapped in tissue paper before placing it in a festive bag. He hoped Jude liked it. Really liked it and not just said he did for Connor's sake. He knew that happened with gifts sometimes. He didn't want this to be what happened with this gift. But he would also understand it if it did. He knew he wasn't good with knowing what to get people for presents.

He went to put it into his backpack and then hesitated. Should he bring his backpack at all? Was the place they were going to too nice for a bag like that? His legs locked with his indecision and the pressure of Jude already being in the parking lot. Finally, he picked up the bag. If he thought the place looked too nice from the outside, he could leave the bag in the car. Yes, that was a good compromise.

He shouldered his backpack and hustled down the stairs, worried about creasing his shirt too much, He wanted to Jude he think he looked good. He wanted to impress Jude. He made it to the parking lot and anxiously opened Gerald's door. The overhead light of the car popped on, and he breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn't overdressed compared to Jude. Wherever they were going, he wasn't going to stand out. He made himself comfortable and placed his bag by his feet. Then, he leant across the console and kissed Jude's cheek.

"You look nice."

Jude seemed to light up after the compliment. "Thank you, baby. So do you."

"Thank you." Jude started the car and put it in reverse.

Connor leant his head against the window. "Can I ask where we're going yet?"

"Ehh, you can."

Connor thought he knew that tone. "Would you answer?"

"I would say that we're almost there and you won't have to be curious for too long. I promise."

"I see."

"Are you going to ask?"

"No," Connor said. "I think I can wait a little longer."

"I think it'll be worth the wait. At least, I hope so. I've never actually done any of what we're doing tonight, so, at least it'll be an adventure together."

"What kinds of things haven't you done before?" Connor asked hesitantly. He could think of one glaring thing, but he was sure that idea had just sprung from his paranoid mind and not any true plans that Jude had. He had to learn to calm down.

"Sky diving. Pie eating contest. I don't remember ever eating eggplant but I'm not entirely sure that one didn't happen."

"None of those things sound like something that you would tell me to look nice for."

"Maybe I just thought it would be nice if you looked nice."

"Is that the truth?"

"No. It's a bit of a … classy date."

Jude pulled into a parking lot and Connor frowned. "The beach?"

"The beach. Part one."

"What's part two?"

"Come on, you don't even know for sure what part one is yet. Part two is just going to be icing on the cake. Uh, so to speak."

Jude opened his door and got out. After a moment's hesitation, Connor did the same. He looked out over the nearly deserted beach and decided to leave his bag sitting where it was on the floorboards of the car. Anything could be waiting for him on the beach. Jude had popped open Gerald's trunk. He had a large cooler in one hand and was pulling a blanket out of the trunk.

"Here, baby, can you carry this?"

Connor took the blanket from Jude, folding it over his arms so that no part of it would touch the ground. He was even more confused now than when they had set out.

"Let's go," Jude said, and he slammed the trunk shut.

Go where? Connor wanted to ask, but he kept his mouth shut as Jude led the way down to the sand.

"I'm glad it's nice tonight," Jude said. "I didn't exactly have a back-up plan if the weather got too bad. You're not cold or anything, are you?"

"No. I'm okay."

"All right. Uh, let's go, we're just a little further down. I had to go scouting for a good place a few days ago."

Connor followed quietly, trying to look for something that would indicate some kind of event happening on the beach tonight, but there was nothing. There were only three other people that he had seen, and only one of them, an evening jogger, was going in the direction that he and Jude were. They finally reached the spot that Jude had picked, which didn't look any different from the beach they had just walked down. He looked around; there was a grassy hill above them, water in front of them, and sand all around. Nothing new, nothing interesting. Jude wedged the cooler into the sand, took the blanket from Connor and fluffed it out across the ground, and then slipped off his shoes to go and sit in the middle of it.

"Join me?" he asked.

Connor carefully took off his shoes one at a time, making sure to put his sock foot on the blanket to try and minimize the sand.

"What are we doing here, Jude?"

"Well," Jude said, turning on his phone screen. "In about ten minutes, the university symphony is going to be playing a charity holiday concert up on the hill. We can hear it from here and eat the picnic I packed us." He patted the cooler and then added, "Unless you hate the idea."

Connor looked up the hill; he couldn't see anything. He couldn't hear anything yet either. "No, it sounds great!"

"But?" Jude asked. "I sense a 'but'."

"If it's a charity concert, I feel bad not paying for tickets."

"Which is why I donated the price of the tickets so we can have a guilt free evening."

Jude really had thought of everything. Connor tucked his knees underneath him and leant forward to press his lips against Jude's. "You're too sweet."

"You deserve it," Jude said. "Deserve more than I have, but I'm so glad you're happy with me."

"How could I not be?" Connor asked. If he were going to try and be poetic, and he should, with how his class schedule was next term, he would compare Jude to the first ray of sunshine after a long winter; the warm breeze of spring that brought life back to the frozen ground. "Thank you for picking this out tonight. It's not something I would have thought of."

"Well, I heard about this and I thought that if we hated it then it wouldn't be hard to leave."

"After I see what you put in our picnic basket."

Had that been too forward? No. Jude was smiling at him.

"I think you should get your hopes up for this part," Jude said.

"Did you cook?"

"No, I said you should get excited." Jude paused, his hand on the top of the cooler. "Would you like it if I cooked for you more?"

"I wouldn't … hate it."

"Then, first time I see you, after you come back from break, I'll make you dinner. A big one, like you make for me."

"I'd really like that."

"But let's focus on tonight's dinner, okay?"

"Okay."

Jude opened the large cooler and the first thing he pulled out was a large, light green bottle. He passed it over to Connor and he quickly inspected the label. Sparkling apple-pear cider. Explicitly non-alcoholic. Still, it didn't seem like something that would be casually picked up at the grocery store.

"Are we celebrating something?"

"A good date, the end of exams, the break we're about to have. Take your pick, baby. Maybe it's just the fact that it's going to be a good night."

It was a presumptuous statement, but Connor felt that way too. A good night. He and his boyfriend, on a beach, under the stars, drinking sparkling cider and listening to a symphony. Tonight, honestly, felt like a page from someone else's life.

"What we're not going to celebrate is the fact that I forgot to bring glasses."

"I kiss you. I can drink out of a bottle after you."

"It's just not as classy as I was picturing. Well, at least we have the other food."

The other food turned out to be different kinds of finger sandwich, fruits accompanied by a sweet caramel dip, and different crackers, cheeses, and meats with two different dips.

"It seems like so much."

"Well, it's all snack based, right? I figure we can nibble on them for as long as we want. The concert is supposed to last for about two hours."

"I like that idea. What should we try first?"

"Uh." Connor looked at the options before him. "Crackers and cheese!"

"Crackers and cheese it is." Jude took the top off the platter. "Want to open the cider?"

Connor peeled the top off and wiggled the cork free. He passed the bottle over the platter to Jude. "I think the first sip belongs to you."

"Thanks. And, cheers? I don't know how we do that without glasses."

"It's the spirit of it, I think. Shouldn't you cheers to something?"

Jude looked at the bottle and then at Connor. "Cheers to first semesters and meeting you." He took a long drink from the bottle and then gave it back to Connor. "Your turn."

Connor ran his thumb over the smooth side of the glass bottle. "Cheers to, um, second semesters and getting to know you even more."

He took his sip, and then heard the sound of violins. He put the bottle on the bottom of the cooler to keep it stable and then looked out over the waves. It was like a choreographed scene from a movie. Except it wasn't a movie. It was how his life was now; Jude did that for him. He turned back to his boyfriend and built himself a sandwich of crackers and meats and cheese. The music was nice and easy to hear, and he and Jude talked quietly under the swell of the notes. There was no way that the crowd on the hill for the concert would be able to hear them, but it felt disrespectful to talk over the music. They gorged on food and when they could eat no more, Connor took off his jacket to use as a pillow, and Jude tucked against his side. Connor stared up at the sky and watch the stars twinkle. It was a beautiful night and he was happy.

He was so happy.

He nudged his shoulder so that Jude would tilt his head back and look at him. Neither of them said anything, but Connor didn't feel like anything had to be said. He turned onto his side and slid his arm under Jude's back, pulling him close. Jude put his warm hands on Connor's sides and Connor didn't hesitate before kissing him. He was alone, on a beach, on a romantic date with his boyfriend who he was going to kiss. Because he liked kissing Jude and he knew that Jude liked kissing him too.

"We should kiss to this music more often," Jude said. "It makes it seem more epic."

Connor laughed. He almost responded, but then Jude kissed him again and Connor would much rather think about kissing him, even though the music that surrounded them felt as though it completed the scene. He pulled Jude in closer to his body and his heart skipped a beat. He didn't know if it was a pang from his past or just the thrill of having Jude be so close. Despite what Jude said about liking having a boyfriend that looked like Connor did, Connor had to disagree. He'd been with a man who was nothing but hard muscles and he would pick Jude, soft and sweet, to hold close every time.

Jude slid one arm further up Connor's back and pressed his hand against Connor's shoulder blade. Connor shifted his weight onto his elbow and tilted his head so that he and Jude were just looking at each other.

"How far are you trying to push me?"

"How far are you going to go?" Jude teased, and then he relaxed his head against Connor's bundled jacket. "I'm just kidding, baby, this is perfect."

Connor nodded. Jude's thumb brushed his ribs and then Jude slid his hand around to Connor's lower back. It wasn't low enough that it would ever bother him under normal circumstances, but he hadn't realized that the back of his shirt had ridden up and Jude's hand was on his bare skin. For a moment, they were both frozen, and then Jude pulled his hand away.

"Sorry," he said. "I didn't realize."

Connor nodded again. No, he knew that Jude hadn't mean it. He still had to sit up and smooth his shirt back down. He wasn't sure he wanted to lay back down next to Jude and so he picked up the halfway empty cider bottle, just for something else to busy himself with. Jude propped himself up on his elbows and was watching Connor. He didn't know if he liked the way that Jude was looking at him. Not that Jude's look was bad; it certainly wasn't predatory. Jude was just looking at him too closely and Connor wondered what it was that he saw. If he could like anything that he saw.

"Cider?"

"Sure." Jude sat up and took the bottle. "You okay?"

"Yeah, of course. You didn't mean to. I didn't know. You didn't hurt me, Jude, I just don't like surprises like that. I like surprises like how tonight has been."

"Well, it's not over yet. There's still part two."

"Right, part two. You didn't have to go this far, you know?"

"Of course I did. It made you happy. And it makes me happy to do this stuff." Jude's dark eyes felt like a probe against Connor's soul. "I like putting effort into you, baby. That shouldn't make you feel so bad."

"You're right," Connor said.

Jude put the bottle back in the cooler and then he shifted closer to Connor again. He put his arms around Connor, his forearm resting against Connor's covered back. He snuggled his face against Connor's shoulder and Connor gently put his cheek on the top of Jude's head. The music swelled around them, suddenly robust and intense to the point where Connor wouldn't have been surprised if the stars shattered in response to the sound.

"Jude?"

"Yeah?"

"C-C-Could you do it again?"

"Do what?"

"Put your hand on my back," Connor whispered. "I want to know what it feels like when I'm expecting it."

"You sure?"

"I asked, right?"

"Right. You know what you want and I shouldn't be so overprotective." Jude's head shifted and when Connor looked down, he was grinning.

Connor pressed a kiss to Jude's forehead and he felt Jude's fingers gently pull gently at his shirt layers. When the cool air hit his back, this time he wasn't too preoccupied to notice. He felt goosebumps rise on his lower back and his arms, which only grew when Jude's chilled fingertips touched his bare skin.

"What do you think?"

"I think it feels okay. You don't scare me, Jude."

"Good." Jude kissed Connor's jaw, and then his hand flattened against Connor's back. "And how's that?"

"That's okay too. Can … can you not move your hand? Just hold it there? Please."

"Sure," Jude agreed.

"And can I ask a question?"

"Yeah?"

"When does part two start?"

"About fifteen minutes after the concert is over. Which should be really soon."

"Do I get any hints?"

"It's the real reason I told you to dress nice," Jude said. "And it won't be just us."

"We're doing a little bit of everything tonight, it seems." Connor sighed. "How do I make that up to you?"

"End of term two date is yours," Jude said.

End of term two. Jude was casually assuming they were going to be together at the end of term two. It wasn't really that far away, and Connor couldn't see why they would break up. Things with Jude were better than he thought it could ever be in a relationship. His conscience gnawed slightly at him. It wouldn't be fair to Jude if Jude wanted love and guaranteed long term and sex and everything that Connor couldn't just commit to, but was terrified of. He didn't know if it would right to try and stay with Jude knowing that they wouldn't get to where Jude wanted them to.

"It's still a lot to live up to. Classical music on a beach?"

"Too over the top?"

"No. If it'd been a private orchestra for us, that might be a different story."

"Well, that was my first choice," Jude joked, "but the band was already booked."

Connor bent his head and kissed Jude, who let out a small gasp against Connor's lips. Connor hadn't expected the momentarily tightening of Jude's fingers against his skin. He tensed and Jude's hand slipped away.

"No, you don't have to."

"And I don't want to. But, I think the concert just ended, and we have to go. We're on a schedule!"

Jude jumped to his feet and offered Connor his hand. Connor let Jude help him and watched him toss the remains of their dinner into the cooler. Jude handed him the open cider bottle to hold.

"What kind of schedule?"

"Well, we have reservations."

Connor paused halfway through slipping his shoes on. "Reservations? But we had dinner."

Jude grinned mischievously. "I didn't say they were for dinner. Hold the cooler too, please?"

Connor took the cooler so Jude could put on his shoes and shake out the blanket.

"What else could we have reservations for?"

"Come on and find out."

Jude offered his hand. Connor grabbed it and they hurried down the beach together, back to Gerald. Jude opened the trunk and hefted the blanket inside. He tucked the cooler in and then looked at the cider bottle.

"I hope the cops don't think we're drinking and driving."

"Uh, I can cop watch," Connor offered.

"Thanks, baby, you're the best," Jude said, laughing.

He held Connor's door open for him, and Connor quickly buckled himself in.

"How far away are our reservations?"

"Mmm, five minutes? No more than ten. We're close by."

Connor tried to think of what was close by, but he couldn't come up with anywhere that Jude would take him and that didn't involve food. Jude was right; it didn't take them long at all to get to where they were going. It was a week night and it wasn't as if they lived in a busy, downtown area. Jude signalled into a new parking lot and Connor squinted.

"This looks like a restaurant. I thought you said we weren't going for food."

"I said we weren't going for dinner. Come on, baby."

Connor didn't want to make them even the slightest bit late and he scrambled out of the car. He and Jude walked through the front door, immediately meeting with the hostess behind her podium.

"Welcome to Lynn's Dessert Café! Do you have a reservation?"

Dessert café? Connor thought the fruit had been their dessert. He looked around the café. It was a place that could only be described as frilly. It was bigger than it looked from the outside, giving the tables their own fair share of space, with a few private booths spotted around the walls. There were flowers and candles on every table, with an overwhelming amount of pinks and whites in the colour scheme. For a weeknight, the café was fairly busy, with crowds from all ages. Majority of the people here seemed to be on a date, though there were a few people that seemed more like friends with a sugar craving.

"It should be under 'Adams-Foster'," Jude replied.

"I've got you right here!" she said. She gathered up two menus. "If you'll follow me!"

They were seated at a booth by the windows, Connor facing the street while Jude could overlook the rest of the café.

"What do you think, baby?"

"I think it's the perfect way to end the date."

"End?" Jude repeated. "Does that mean you don't want to come home with me? I was hoping you would."

"Oh! Well, I … packed my pyjamas in my bag. I just felt bad about asking."

"Why's that?"

"Dad lands early in the morning. I promised him I would be in my room so that he could come get me and we would go to breakfast. I'd have to wake you around five."

"I could just go back to bed after taking you home. It's not a problem."

"I'll buy you a coffee on the way," Connor offered, "so I can make up for it."

"It's a deal!" Jude said, and he and Connor shook on it. "I was still going to tempt you back to my apartment, though. I still have to give you your Christmas present."

Right. "I found something for you. I really hope you'll like it."

"I'm sure I will," Jude said happily. "For now, let's think about dessert."

Connor opened his menu and was overwhelmed with the amount of options. All kinds of cakes! And a long drink list. At first he only glanced at it, because the ones at the top of the list were alcoholic, and he thought they were all like that. But he looked again and discovered a long list of Italian sodas, ice cream floats, and coffee combinations he had never seen before. He was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of choices in front of him.

"What I would like to know," Jude said, "is what that giant white cake is."

Connor half-turned, seeing the display case, stuffed with all of the cakes on the menu.

"It's a devil's food cake," a passing waitress said. She paused. "And I'll be right back with some waters!"

"Thank you," Jude said, and then he leant on the table. "Well, I'm thinking I just want the devil's food. What are you thinking?"

"I have no idea," Connor confessed. "Uh. Maybe the dark chocolate raspberry cake."

"Oh, that sounds really good too!"

"We can share, can't we?"

"What's the point of not tasting both?" Jude agreed. "I think I'm also going to get an Americano. Do you want anything?"

"Peach Italian soda," Connor said. "I want to try it."

The waitress returned with their waters. "Do you need a few more minutes or have you decided?"

"I think we're good," Jude said, and then he and Connor placed their orders.

Connor toyed with the edge of the tablecloth.

"What's on your mind?" Jude asked.

"I think I was wrong."

"About?"

"About calling moments with my ex the height of romance. I know I didn't really know better then but, now, I think I'm wrong. It was never … fun. Tonight was fun. And you did it because you care about me, that's all. Right?"

Jude stretched his arm across the table and Connor put his hand in Jude's. "I wouldn't say 'that's all'. It's too small. You're something, Connor."

Connor didn't know why he was blushing as bad as he was, and he was grateful for the waitress coming over, plates and cups balanced on a tray for them. She placed them down with practiced flourishes.

"Can I get you two anything else?"

"No, thank you," Jude said.

"Enjoy!"

They did. The cake was better than Connor could have hoped for – both his and Jude's – and it seemed to him that he and Jude had equal parts of each other's cake. He knew it was just dessert and he knew that Jude had a sharing nature, and he knew that he was reading too far into it, but he kept thinking that they felt equal. It was just cake, but there was no caring of what belong to who and that was important to Connor. It was almost too much cake; the slices were huge. When the plates were empty and so were their glasses, Connor relaxed against the back of the booth.

"I'm full," Jude said, stretching his arms. "What about you?"

"Yeah," Connor agreed. "Really full."

"Then let's go home, baby."

Connor was happy to do that. Jude held his door open for him again and Connor happily settled into his seat. He rested his head against the window and let his eyes drift as Jude drove.

"Falling asleep on me?" Jude asked.

"Not yet," Connor said. "I think the sugar is getting to me."

"Well, we're home. Come on, I need your help carrying the blanket down the car."

"Okay."

Connor carefully slung his bag over his shoulder and helped Jude unpack the trunk and they walked down to the front door. Connor left the sandy comforter spread over one of Jude's lawn chairs and then followed his boyfriend inside. Jude was in the kitchen, disposing of trash, but that wasn't what caught Connor's eye. On the table, was a package wrapped in bright Christmas paper. It was oddly shaped and the wrapping job was haphazard, but that wasn't what got Connor. It was big; bigger than he ever imagined it was going to be. It was the size of his torso, at least.

"I think it's pyjama time. What do you think?"

"It sounds good," Connor said.

He took the bathroom, taking his time to wash his face and brush his teeth. He pulled out his favourite sweatpants and then he unbuttoned the grey shirt he was wearing. He looked down at the white tank top and picked up Jude's sweatshirt. He almost pulled it on and then he left it dangling from his hand. He kept it close, but he didn't have to hide from Jude. He opened his bag and took out Jude's gift, and then he packed his clothes back in. He went back into the main room slowly, in case Jude wasn't done changing, but Jude was already stretched out on the couch.

"Come here, baby, they're playing the old Rudolph!"

Connor rested his bag against the back of the couch, placed his gift to Jude on the coffee table, and sat on his side. He saw Jude's head turn to look at him and then it snapped around.

"Wow."

"Wow what?" Connor repeated and he saw Jude staring at him. Connor glanced down at himself quickly. Jude could see so much more of his old wounds than he ever could have before. "Is it about all of the scars because I can put on the sweatshirt or I even had a t-shirt so you can't see all of them. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"What? No. It's …" Jude shook his head. "Um, it's not about the scars. You just haven't shown that much skin before." Jude reached out a hand and rubbed it against Connor's bicep, and then he shook his head again. "Do you want to open your Christmas present?"

Connor side-eyed the large gift. "You took me out tonight. I think you should open yours first."

"That sounds good."

Connor bit his lip as Jude pulled his gift into his lap.

"This is heavier than I expected," Jude murmured.

"I hope you like it."

Jude smiled at him. "Should I shake it? Try to guess."

"Oh, please don't," Connor said. "It might break."

"Hmm," Jude mused, and then he picked at the ribbon wrapped around the bag handles. Connor had intentionally tied it loose and it came off without much effort on Jude's part. He pulled the tissue paper out of the top of the bag with the exuberance of a child, letting it crinkle on his legs. Jude reached into the depths of the bag.

"Oh," Connor blurted, "open the red one first."

"Red," Jude repeated. He peered inside of the bag and pulled it out.

"That's the breakable part," Connor added.

Connor could almost see Jude become more careful with it. He started pulling off the red tissue paper and revealed the yellow mug below. Connor anxiously studied Jude's face, but Jude honestly looked happy about his gift. Connor had seen the mugs at the mall and since one of them had cartoon cactuses on the side, he thought it might be something Jude liked.

"I love it!" Jude said.

"Your turn for my part two," Connor prodded.

Jude laughed and carefully put the mug on the table. He reached back into the bag and pulled out the last item, which was wrapped in glittering green tissue paper. Jude pulled the green tissue paper off more quickly. At first, he only looked confused as he looked down at the collection of thin metal tins, arranged prettily in the box. Connor watched Jude's eyes scan the yellow title.

"Oh, they're all different kinds of hot chocolates!"

"I thought you might like something to put in your mug."

"It's wonderful! I love it!" Jude smiled brightly. "After you open yours, I'll make us some."

"You don't have to."

"I want to. It's Christmas. It's the time for giving. Now, come on, your turn!"

Connor looked nervously at the large gift and he turned on the couch so that he and it were facing each other. He got the feeling that Jude, once again, had done too much for him. He pulled the gift toward him and it was so much lighter than he thought. Perhaps he had gotten the wrong idea. But he was still suspicious of it. He pulled it onto his lap and it squished under his hands and he become more confused. Had Jude bought him a pillow? He slowly picked at the tape on the top of the gift and then ripped the wrapping paper down the sign, severing several snowmen as he went. He held his breath, and opened it all of the way revealing what was inside.

A big stuffed elephant.

It was grey, with massive ears and big blue eyes. Connor ran his hands over it and it felt soft and silky. He didn't remember the last time that someone had bought him a stuffed animal.

"What do you think?" Jude asked. "I almost thought it was too childish, but it's cute, and you did ask for an elephant."

Connor wrapped his arms around the elephant, its large head resting on his shoulder. "I love it."

"You do?"

"Yeah." Connor stretched out his arms and Jude hugged him tightly, squashing the elephant between them. "I really do."

"I think if you check the tag on its butt, you'll find out it has a name."

Connor sat back and flipped the elephant over, straightening out the tags so he could see what they said. "Ellie. That's a little cliché."

"You could always change it," Jude suggested. "What do you think?"

"I think I want you to pick," Connor said. "Yeah. I want you to pick."

"Hmm." Jude studied the elephant. "Ampelos."

"Ampelos? Wasn't that a satyr?"

"Yeah, he was. But, like, it's a fun name to say and one of the few I remember that's not a major god."

"Ampelos," Connor said again. "I like it."

Jude leant across the couch to kiss Connor quickly. "Commercial break! Hot chocolate time!" Jude bounced from the couch, picking up his Christmas presents, and carrying them into the kitchen.

Connor laughed. He pulled the plaid blanket down off the back of the couch and wrapped it around him. He held his elephant close to him and rested his head on the back of the couch, watching Jude make hot chocolate. He felt happy and content. It had been that good of a night; uplifting and sweet.

"What kind of hot chocolate did you pick?" Jude asked.

"The raspberry hot chocolate." Jude balanced the two warm mugs and carried them back into the living room. "And I barely missed any Rudolph!"

They curled on the couch together, sipping hot chocolate and watching the rest of Rudolph. Connor kept Ampelos tucked under one arm while Jude snuggled under the other. He didn't want the movie to end. He wanted to keep this kind of moment close. But, eventually the credits rolled.

"I'm sleepy," Jude said. "Are you sleepy?"

"Yeah. And I have to be up early tomorrow."

"We," Jude said. "It's not like I'm letting you walk home."

"You could."

"No." Jude pecked Connor on the cheek. "I'm going to go brush my teeth. Do you have an alarm set for morning?"

"No. I will."

Which he did immediately after Jude got off the couch. He then carried their mugs into the kitchen, put the plaid blanket back in its spot, and then he started tidying up Jude's bed a little. He didn't understand how Jude could sleep in an unmade bed every night.

"Are you sleeping with me tonight, baby?" Jude called.

"I'd like to."

"Good. That's where I'd like you to be."

Connor glanced over at the bathroom, where Jude was leaning out the bathroom door slightly, his toothbrush in the corner of his mouth. Jude winked at him and Connor laughed.

"What?" Jude asked. "Do you not think I'm cute enough to pull it off? What do you have against my toothbrush anyway?"

Connor laughed again. "Do you think you look cute enough to pull it off?"

Jude leant back in the bathroom and Connor heard him spit in the sink. Then, Jude was back. "I think you always think I'm cute."

"I think you're right. Can Ampelos come to bed too?"

"Yeah. Do it. I'm glad you like him."

"It's hard not to," Connor said, and he balanced the elephant on the pillow he'd sleep on. "Thank you, Jude."

"You're welcome." Jude crossed the room and kissed him again. Jude's hands ran up and down Connor's arms. "I really like the tank top."

Connor kissed his cheek and then he slipped out of Jude's grasp so he could go brush his own teeth. A few minutes later, he was turning out the few lights that were left on in the apartment. Jude was already on his side of the bed, texting.

"Drunk Taylor says hello. Also, she loves you, but not as much as she loves me, and she's not going to apologize for it."

"I think that sounds fair." Connor climbed onto the end of the bed. "Should I get the curtains?"

"Yeah." Jude sighed. "Drunk Taylor is calling me. Hey, Taylor."

Connor could hear her shriek through the phone, but he couldn't understand a single world that she was saying. He busied himself with pulling the curtains around and the bed, leaving the gap that he liked at the bottom open.

"No, I'm not putting you on speaker … I'm sure the vodka loves you too … Right. I do suggest you go find Daria. Mhmm … Mhmm … No, I am listening. I promise." Jude met Connor's eyes and lifted his hand, making the 'blah, blah, blah' gesture. "Yes, I'll be seeing you in, like, three days … Absolutely, we can drink and talk about the thing … Taylor, if Daria is throwing up, take her home … Yes. Call Thomas now … I love you too. Bye. Be safe!"

"Everything okay?"

"It's a typical exam season for Taylor," Jude said. He parted the curtains slightly and pushed his phone onto the nightstand.

"Oh." Connor snuggled under the blankets, moving Ampelos to the very corner of the pillow. "Can I ask what 'the thing' is?"

"Who knows. She's drunk. She could just want to talk about what I got her for Christmas. Do you need the long pillow again?"

"Um. No. I want to know what it's like without it."

"Do you think cuddling is involved?"

"Um. Let's try it. Let's see."

The mattress squeaked as Jude shifted around, and then Jude's back pressed to Connor's chest. Connor wrapped his arms around Jude tightly. Jude's hand found his own and Connor held onto him. He kissed the back of Jude's head.

"Is this okay?"

"Yeah. Goodnight, Jude."

"Goodnight, Connor. See you bright and early."

Connor laughed slightly and echoed, "See you bright and early."

Then, he closed his eyes and drifted off to his dreams.

(-.-)

Connor balanced on his small step ladder and reached into the box he was holding against his hip. His carefully picked up one of the bright gold ornaments and sought out one of the naked branches. From his vantage point, he looked down at the rest of the tree that he had spent the afternoon decorating. His boyfriend had brought it home when he came back from his lunch break and had simply left it on the front porch for Connor. Out of everything that happened at Christmas, Connor thought that putting a tree up on his own was the worst thing. Decorating a tree alone was just sad. He used to do that with his mother and father; Dad would hold him up to get the high branches and Mom would pass him the ornaments.

Connor climbed off the stepping stool and moved it to the side before climbing back up. He only had a few ornaments left. He heard the front door open and he called out softly; his boyfriend always liked to hear where he was in the house. He heard his boyfriend's footsteps.

"What's this?"

Connor half-turned on the stepping stool. "You … you told me to decorate. I hope you like it. These are the ornaments your mother bought us last year."

His boyfriend approached him slowly, coming to a stop just behind Connor. "I thought I told you to be finished when I got home."

"Oh, well …" Connor looked down in the box he was holding. "There's only three left. Would you like to help?"

"I would like you to do ask I ask."

"I know, I'm sorry, I tried my best, but –" Whatever Connor was going to try and explain about how hard it had been to get the tree straight in the tree stand vanished when two large hards pressed flat against his back and he was shoved abruptly off his stepping stool.

The box went flying from his hand as he tried to catch himself, but he just ended up hugging the tree and getting handfuls of broken ornament glass as he crashed to the ground. The wind rushed from his lungs as he tried to push himself up. His knee hurt. What had happened to his knee?

"I expect dinner in an hour."

"It'll be ready."

"And clean this up. Do you think I'm made of money? What have you got against Christmas trees anyway?"

Connor scrambled off the tree, trying not to hurt any of the abused branches. He blinked rapidly. "I … will fix it immediately. I don't know what I was thinking."

His boyfriend gently cupped his chin and kissed his lips. "It's not your fault you're so thoughtless, Connor. It's why you leave the thinking to me, right?"

"Right," Connor whispered. "I love you."

"You're not bad, just hare-brained," his boyfriend said. "Get to cleaning. You can't leave a mess like this around."

"No, of course not."

His boyfriend turned and walked out of the room, probably to go up to his office. He was always doing paperwork. Sometimes, Connor felt more lonely when he was home than when he was gone. When he heard his boyfriend walking around upstairs, Connor turned and looked at the tree. Dinner in an hour; he had to have the tree done by then too, or else his boyfriend would be angry that he had left the mess lying around for that long. Connor didn't even allow himself a sigh; he just went off to collect the broom.

Connor bolted upright, letting out a long breath. He dislodged Jude from his arms, and he heard the groan of someone who was now half-awake. Connor pressed his hand to his chest, but his heart wasn't pounding the way it did after a nightmare. Connor wouldn't call the remembering he'd just had a nightmare. There hadn't been anything scary about it. It had just been one of the matter-of-fact days he'd had.

"Baby? You okay?"

"C-can I have a light, please?"

"Sure." The curtains rustled and then Jude's small bedside lamp turned on. "What happened?"

Connor blinked in the sudden bright light; he made himself focus on Jude's face. He just wanted to remind himself that it was Jude who was here with him and that no one else was.

"I had this weird dream-memory. From the … third Christmas we had together." Connor shook his head.

"A nightmare?"

"No. Just a memory. He pushed me into the Christmas tree. My hands were cut up for a while. I wasn't allowed out until they were healed." Connor frowned. Saying it aloud made it sound absolutely horrific, but he didn't feel horrified at it. He should. He really thought he should.

"I'm sorry, baby."

"You didn't do anything," Connor said. "You don't need to be sorry."

"Anything I can do to help?"

"No. I … think I'd just like to go back to sleep. I don't want to be tired for Dad."

"Sleep here or on the couch?"

"Here," Connor said, determined. "But, um, can we put the long pillow back?"

"Of course, baby. It was just too much too soon, that's okay." Jude dragged the pillow back into the position it was in the last time they had slept in bed. "Would you like to leave a light on?"

"No, I don't think so." Connor bit his bottom lip and then he slowly laid down again. He repositioned his elephant on the other pillow and then patted along their 'no man's land' pillow.

"It won't bite," Jude joked.

"I know," Connor said, unsure of what he'd been trying to do at all. "I'm sorry for waking you up."

"Good practice for a few hours from now," Jude joked. "Ready to go back to sleep?"

Connor nodded and Jude plunged the room back into darkness. Connor listened quietly as Jude rearranged the curtain and then shuffled around into a more comfortable position. Connor squinted into the darkness and when he realized Jude was lying facing him, he snaked his hand across the bed and found Jude's bicep.

"What is it?" Jude murmured sleepily, and Connor felt guilty for bothering him again. His mind summoned all of the ways it would be easy for Jude to take revenge while they lay in bed together, but he pushed those away. That wasn't Jude. Jude had never done those things and he never would do them. Connor found Jude's hand and tugged on it so they were holding hands on top of the separation pillow. "Night, baby."

"Goodnight, Jude," Connor said, hoping he meant it that time. He didn't want to wake up again. Especially, he did not want to wake up Jude again.

He held tightly onto Jude's hand and let his eyes fall shut. He tried to think of happier things. Of the Christmas cookies he would help his mother make; of the first time he could clearly remember playing catch with his father, in his pyjama pants on Christmas morning, the year he was gifted his first baseball glove. Those were the times he would rather go back to when he was dreaming, and as he felt sleep begin to take him, he hoped that was all he would get.

(-.-)

Connor opened his eyes slowly as the alarm began to chime. Jude dragged his hand out of Connor's to flip over and hit the alarm. Connor opened one eye to see Jude burrow his head under the covers.

"Five more minutes," Jude said, his voice muffled.

"I set the alarm so you could hit snooze a few times," Connor admitted.

"Yes," Jude murmured. "Good."

One of Jude's hands emerged from under the blanket and grabbed a pillow to drag under the covers with him.

"I'm sorry for the early morning," Connor said.

The covers shifted and Jude popped back up, his head on the long pillow between them. He rubbed at one eye, but there was still the crust of sleep remaining in the corner. "I signed up for it. I could have taken you home last night."

"Regret that?"

"No." Jude's eyes drifted shut. "You're cute in the morning."

"Are you awake? Like, really awake?"

"Uh, yes. Not prepared to be vertical. Not yet. Five more minutes."

"But, if you're awake, can you come closer?"

A soft smile bloomed across Jude's face. "Perks of being awake," he murmured, and then he rolled across the long pillow, snuggling into Connor's chest.

Connor held Jude tightly to him.

"Your heart's beating really fast," Jude said. "What are you thinking about?"

"Um, you, being this close. Dad, landing soon." Jude looked up at him and Connor felt the urge to repeat, "You, being this close."

"I've been closer."

"In bed," Connor finished.

"Bad way?"

"Not while you're awake," Connor said. "You're just … It's just … I …"

"What is it?"

Connor wished he hadn't started that sentence now, suddenly embarrassed by all the words that he was thinking of putting into his confession, but if he expected Jude to finish his sentences for Connor, then Connor had to finish his sentences for Jude. It was what was fair, and he and Jude were fair.

"It's, um, just that you're, uh, really cute in the morning too," Connor said. "Really."

A small laugh bubbled from Jude's lips and then he rested his head against the pillow so he and Connor were looking at one another. Jude was just a little too close. Connor was half a moment away from asking him to move back a little when the alarm went off for the second time. Jude groaned and rolled over.

"How many times do I get to snooze before we have to get up?"

"Last one. We have to get up next time."

"Okay." Jude turned the alarm off and then he returned to Connor's side, this time, his back to Connor's chest. He held Connor's arms tightly around him. "This is my favourite."

Connor softly pressed his lips to the back of Jude's neck.

"So, did you decide what restaurant you want to go to with your dad?" Jude asked.

"Yeah. I want to go to the Italian place you took me too before. I was thinking I'd like to try their pasta this time."

"That sounds really good. I think he'd like that place."

"Me too," Connor said. "Um, speaking of Dad."

"Yeah?"

"I'm really nervous. About seeing him again, um, because I feel like I'm different now, compared to the last time I see him."

"I'd agree," Jude said. "You're different than the first time I saw you."

"I'm nervous about him meeting you," Connor added. "I've never introduced him to a boyfriend like this and given my last boyfriend, I don't know what he's going to say. I don't know how he's going to treat you or what I'm going to feel when you're in the same room as him."

"I think it's going to be okay."

Connor considered that. "I don't think you're going to start the next world war, I just don't know what you're going to do."

Jude laughed. "All right, I think that's fair.

"Um, a-a-a-another thing is … Um, until I see how Dad is, maybe we shouldn't be, like, touchy in front of him."

"We're not exactly winning PDA of the year award," Jude teased. "But, I get it. You lead, I follow."

"Thank you."

"It's your dad," Jude said. "It's up to you how things are handled. I'm glad you're letting me into this part of your life, that's all."

"You let me meet your parents."

"Yeah, but I've never had the complications with them that you do with your dad."

"Complications," Connor mused.

"Bad word choice?"

"Never thought to call it that. I –" Connor stopped as the alarm rang for the final time.

Jude pushed away from Connor and turned the alarm off. He sat on the edge of the bed and stretched his arms out, flexing his back. The t-shirt he'd slept in rode up in the back and Connor could see a slip of pale skin. Connor propped himself up on his arm, thinking of what he might do if he were normal. He might reach for Jude, pull him back against the mattress, be able to kiss him in proximity of a bed. He might slide Jude's shirt over his head, touch his fingers to Jude's bare skin and not be afraid of any consequences, because there weren't supposed to be consequences to kissing his own boyfriend when they just wanted to kiss each other. He might hold Jude close until their hair was mussed, they couldn't breathe, and they were too late to meet Adam on time. Then, they would hurriedly get dressed and rush to Connor's dorm, and he would text his father an apology, but he would only feel a little bit guilty, instead of utterly sick like he would now if he were late for meeting Adam.

Jude slid off the bed and Connor heard his bare feet hit the floor. He knew it was time to sit up and move. He couldn't be running late, even though he knew he had left plenty of time. He had to account for human error, long lines at the coffee shop Jude decided he wanted to go to, whatever traffic had decided to be out at this time of morning, and simply for fidgeting around his room and making sure things were perfect for when Adam had arrived. It had been late August the last time he had seen Adam and the months had made a major difference. The phone calls were always short and awkward and Connor didn't know what being face to face with Adam was going to be like now. He knew that he had to get used to it or the weeks of winter break were going to be long ones.

They quickly dressed and Jude held the front door open for Connor.

"Where would you like to get coffee?" Connor asked as they walked up the hill to Gerald.

"There's a bunch of places on the way," Jude said. "I'll just decide what one I'm craving when I see it."

Connor opened his car door and paused. "I don't understand how you operate like that."

"Me either, sometimes," Jude agreed.

Connor sat in his seat and waited for Jude to start the car and back out of his slip of driveway. Connor rested his head against the back of his seat and his phone vibrated. He looked down quickly and typed out a reply.

"Dad's getting his luggage," Connor reported. "And then he's going to be getting his rental car and then he's going to be coming to see me and then … Oh." He let out a long breath.

Jude reached across the console and rested his hand on the top of Connor's arm. "It'll be okay. You're worrying yourself too much, baby."

"Maybe. I'd rather be surprised by the best than disappointed by the worst, though."

"That's one way to look at it," Jude said. He took Connor's hand and pulled it onto his side of the car in order to kiss Connor's fingers. "I hope you're very surprised."

"Me too."

Jude found a coffee place that he wanted to go and they went through the drive-thru. There weren't really a lot of people in the line and it took them only a few minutes to get their order. He took the hot chocolate he had decided to order, but his stomach was churning slightly and he wasn't sure if he could drink it. The thought of seeing Adam again made his heart constrict slightly and his stomach felt like he had chugged acid.

It was only a small drive to the dorms and Connor stared up at the building, even though he couldn't see his room from here. The routines that he had become so comfortable with since arriving at this university were about to be disrupted and he realized how little he had confronted that fact. Even after he came back from the roller coaster ride that was going to be his winter break, he wouldn't be able to go back to how things were. Not exactly. It would be a new term, new people, new professors to get used to, and he wouldn't have a class with Jude. He didn't know how his class schedule was going to line up with Jude's next term. Were they going to be able to have lunch this term, or would Connor have to wait until after class to see him? Would he and Jude be able to see one another less?

Connor didn't like the thought of that. He liked the amount that he got to see Jude.

"No need to be scared, baby."

Connor glanced at Jude. "It's not that I don't trust you, it's just that I can't believe you right now."

"Maybe you'll believe me this time tomorrow," Jude said.

Connor nodded. "I should go upstairs."

"Okay. Text me if you need me."

"I will. And I'll text you what time to be at the restaurant. Is that okay?"

"Absolutely. I'll be there right when you want me to be."

Connor nodded and unclipped his seatbelt. Then, he leant across the console, meeting Jude's lips. Connor would have much rather have stayed in Gerald all day, kissing Jude and imagining that he had no where else to be. He gave Jude one last kiss and sat back.

"I'll see you later, okay?"

"Okay," Jude agreed.

Connor got out of the car and walked toward his room, the weight of anticipation making it harder and harder to walk.

The chapter's title is after the song Don't Worry About Me by Frances. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~