Connor spread his suitcase out of his pulled down bed, trying not to feel self-conscious about Adam, who was leaning against the door. There wasn't anywhere else for him to go, really, but Connor still felt guilty about not having space for his father. He arranged his clothes quickly along the bottom of the suitcase.
"Don't overflow it," Adam warned. "You'll want room for souvenirs and things."
"Right," Connor said, thinking that he didn't own enough clothing to stuff the suitcase too far beyond its limits, and he already knew that there was no need to take all of it New York City with him.
"Do you need any travel containers or anything?"
"Um, no, I don't think so." Connor straightened one of the shirts, even though it wouldn't matter once the suitcase was moved. He shut the lid slowly and closed the zipper, cringing at its chainsaw sound. It was far too loud in the awkward silence that lived behind he and Adam.
"We'll, you've some time to think about it," Adam said, and Connor nodded. "What would you like to do now?"
It was then that Connor realized that Adam was as nervous as he was. After all, Adam was only human. That was often a fact Connor found hard to confront. Consequently, it was also a talking point in therapy. It wasn't as if Connor liked having such conflicting views of his father, but he still couldn't figure out how to reconcile the doting coach of his youth, the uncaring monster of his teenage years, and the unsure man in front of him now into one father. They all stemmed from the same person, he knew that, but also couldn't figure out how it happened.
"I could show you around campus," Connor offered. "Now that I know some places."
"That would be great," Adam said. "I'd really like that."
And, so they went. Connor wasn't used to doing most of the talking, but when it was he and Adam, he felt like he had to. He took Adam to where his classes had been, telling him bits and pieces about them that had never made them into his phone calls. Connor held tightly onto the edges of his sleeves as they walked.
"Connor, are you happy here?" Adam asked.
"I think you've asked me that before."
"I have," Adam said. "But, not for a while. I want to know if you're answer changed."
Connor paused and looked down at the library. "Yes. I think I am."
"All because of Jude?"
Connor desperately tried to figure out how Adam was feeling, but there was nothing in his tone that gave him away. Adam could have been approving or disapproving. Connor grabbed tightly onto his sleeves and steeled his resolve. It was better to have this conversation now than in front of Jude; Connor should have known it was coming.
"Jude's a big part of it," Connor said. "He hasn't been all of it, but meeting him has made me better, Dad. He's made me confident. If it weren't for Jude, I wouldn't have talked to Jake, and Jake and I are friends now."
"Let's keeping walking," Adam suggested.
"Of course," Connor replied, feeling defeated. He had wanted more of a reply. He followed after his father, hoping that Adam was just trying to gather his thoughts. Connor could understand that; he could appreciate needing a moment of reflection.
"Connor, I worry about you. Maybe more than I should, but, I think it makes sense to us."
Connor nodded.
"To make up for a few lost years and everything that happened in them," Adam explained anyway. "I don't really know what happened when you, uh, when you weren't with me, do I?"
"No," Connor said. He felt like he should add more, but he didn't know what he could say. Did Adam want details? Connor didn't know if he could give them. Sometimes he had to force himself to talk to Dr. Scott, even though he knew that talking to her helped and he usually felt better afterward. He couldn't even bring himself to obviously divulge details to Jude. He knew he spoke about certain memories and other details, but he couldn't imagine ever sitting down with Jude and sharing everything that had happened to him, or even describing a memory from start to finish. The mere thought of it had his heart thudding desperately in his chest.
"I don't really need to, though, do I?"
"No." Connor didn't really think that anyone needed to know. He knew he'd be happier not knowing.
Adam put his hands in his pockets and avoided an angry girl who was yelling at someone equally angry on the other end of her phone.
"Connor, I watched you get consumed by someone before. I worry that it's happening again. You're almost always with Jude. You're always talking about Jude. It's so rare I hear about anything else. I wasn't surprised when we stopped talking every day. I knew that it was too much to ask when you left. I was surprised at how quickly they decreased when you and he got closer. I don't think he's a bad kid. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I don't know if you even realize it. I just don't want you to lose yourself again. Not when we've only just gotten here."
Connor stopped and sat down on one of the stone benches that surrounded some of the larger trees on campus. Adam sat down next to him, leaving less space between them than Connor would have liked. Connor wanted to shift to the side, but he felt like that would be an affront to Adam. It wasn't his father's fault that Connor wasn't comfortable with physical contact, and that was something he had promised Dr. Scott he would work on. He wanted to be able to be comfortable in close proximity to his father, at least. He knew Adam deserved that.
"Dad, I've worried about that too," Connor confessed. "I do think about it a lot."
"And, what do you think?"
"I don't think it's the same. Jude and I can do similar things that I've done before but it doesn't seem the same. Jude always makes things feel like a choice. And he helps me be confident. If it weren't for Jude, I wouldn't be able to be friends with Jake or even leave my room outside of going to my classes. I know I spend a lot of time with him, because it's my choice to. There are days when I leave Jude's house earlier than he wants me to or things like that, because that's what I want. He never fights with me, he never tries to get me to stay when I want to go. I'm there with him because that's where I want to be, not because he's keeping me there. I can talk to him and I know I'm being heard. It's not the same at all, Dad."
Adam leant back. Connor watched his hands carefully fold over his knee. "I trust you, but I just worry about you."
"I know you do. And I don't think it's unreasonable, Dad. It's nice to know that you're there, now, and paying attention. I ... That is, I like how you worry about me, but it also really feels like you're trying to give me my space, which I know I need."
"I just worry about doing the right thing," Adam admitted, "since I know I did the wrong thing for so long."
"I know, Dad, and you are doing the right thing."
Adam smiled at him, and the expression was full of relief. Connor knew that he'd said the right thing, no matter what. He knew, at least, that was the kind of father that Adam wanted to be for him now, and whether Adam was completely there yet or not wasn't what Connor was focused on. He just wanted his father to know that he had forgiven him for everything that had happened between them after his mother had died. The past had to stay the past; that was another thing that being around Jude was teaching him.
"So," Adam said, "how about we get some breakfast?"
"Sure," Connor agreed.
"Know any good places?"
Connor thought of the café he and Jude liked for breakfast. "Yeah, actually, I do."
"Great, let's go."
Connor led the way back to the dorm parking lot. He was starting to feel a little bit better about their long trip to New York, but he guessed that it also depended on how breakfast went.
(-.-)
Jude pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant Connor had picked and stepped out of his car quickly, scanning the parking lot. A few cars down, a door opened and Connor appeared, waving at him. Jude shut the door and locked Gerald. By the time he walked over to where Connor was waiting, Adam had also gotten out of the car. He was taller than Jude would have expected, with dark hair and neatly trimmed facial hair that covered his cheeks and around his mouth. Jude glanced at Connor, trying to get a gauge of how his boyfriend was feeling after a day with his father. Connor looked quite happy, and Jude was glad to see that.
"Hey," Connor said. "Dad, this is my boyfriend, Jude. Jude, this is my father, Adam."
Jude reached and shook Adam's hand. Adam had a strong grip and Jude refused to believe it was his natural hold. He didn't like himself be intimidated. He was ready for it. He was also ready to be interrogated over dinner.
"It's nice to meet you," Jude said.
Adam let go of his hand slowly. "It's nice to meet you too. Should we go in? I hope you're hungry, Jude."
"I am. This place is really good. You like Italian food?" Even to Jude's own ears, he sounded incredibly awkward. He wondered how Connor had managed to do so well with his mothers; Jude wasn't sure how to speak to Adam.
"Sure," Adam said. "There's not much to dislike about pasta."
Jude held the front door of the restaurant open. Adam walked through first and Connor walked by slowly, touching Jude's hand. Jude grinned. They were quickly given a small booth. Connor slid into the side opposite Adam, Jude following him in. Adam watched them the entire time their hostess was resting menus in front of them and promising them water was on the way. Once they were gone, Adam dropped his gaze and opened his menu.
"What's good here?"
"I like the pizza," Jude offered. "Did you like it last time, Connor?"
"Yeah, I did. I w-w-was g-g-going to try their, um, pasta tonight."
Under the table's edge, Jude rested his knuckles against the outside of Connor's leg. He felt bad for Connor's small jump, but then Connor reached one hand down and grabbed tightly onto Jude's hand. Jude resisted the urge to flex his fingers against Connor's tight grip.
"The pasta also looks good," Adam said.
With his free hand, Jude flipped his menu open. They talked about the menu and the menu alone until they had decided what they wanted and they had all ordered. Once the waitress had gone, Adam excused himself to the washroom. Once he was gone, Connor slowly loosened his grip on Jude's hand, but he didn't let go.
"Are you okay, baby?"
"I'm not terrible," Connor said, "but I'm not as good as I want to be either."
"You feel tense."
"I want him to like you," Connor said. "I don't know what Dad's going to say to you and that's bothering me more than anything."
"Well, I can try and kickstart the questioning as soon as he gets back," Jude said. "That way we can know what he's going to say."
"Does he scare you as much as he scares me?"
"You're scared of him?"
"Not, uh, like scared of him. Just … I guess I'm scared about how unpredictable he is. He's either the dad I knew when I was fourteen or he's some mixture of that person and a new person, or he's just a new person entirely. I don't know what one."
"He cares about you."
Connor nodded. "I know. I think. Thank you for coming."
"You know my parents. I want to know your dad."
Connor's smile was beautiful, and if Jude didn't seem Adam returning to the table, he would have leant over and kissed Connor's cheek or, perhaps, would have risked kissing his lips. But he had promised, no PDA in front of Adam, unless Connor managed to tell him otherwise. Jude wouldn't push, but he would keep his hand in Connor's until Connor pushed him away.
Adam took his seat and said, "So, Jude, tell me about yourself."
And, so it began. Jude carefully answered questions about growing up, what he was doing at school and how he liked it. He spent quite a bit of time describing his family tree, but he was used to that; it wasn't the type of family tree that people understood on the first try.
"And what sibling would you say you're closest to?"
"Callie, for sure," Jude said. "Although, I find I don't talk to anyone as much as I like while school's in session. I find that the days sort of blend together and then I look up and realized it's been three weeks since I talked to anyone but my moms."
"You keep busy during the semester, then?"
"Jude works a lot," Connor interrupted. "He's always pretty busy."
"Oh, what's work like?"
Jude answered all of the predictable questions, trying to be as thorough as possible. He'd never claim to be an expert in reading people, but he thought that Adam was just an overprotective father trying to protect his son. He seemed to be just the type of person that Jude was expecting him to be. He didn't think that Connor had anything to worry about on his upcoming trip to New York, but Jude also couldn't be sure. He couldn't know if Adam was just putting on a good show in front of Jude or not, though he doubted it. He really did.
The food was delivered while Jude was talking about how he liked his job. He had to explain that he didn't know what he wanted to do after graduation before he took a bite of his personal-sized pizza.
"A plan is always beneficial," Adam said and then he glanced at Connor. "Though, I guess you don't always have to have one."
"Or have a plan you don't like," Connor quietly added.
"That's true too," Adam agreed. "How's your pasta, Connor?"
"I really like it," Connor said. "I'm glad I decided to try it."
"Good, good."
Jude finished off his first slice. "How do you like your food?"
"It was a good choice of restaurant," Adam said. "I'm glad you picked it, Connor."
"I'm glad Jude showed it to me."
"Ah, well, thank you, Jude."
The rest of the meal continued on with slow conversation. Jude spoke mostly to Adam, rather than Connor. Adam pressed forward with the questioning, and Jude didn't let it bother him. He let Adam know about Dylan, telling him that they had end the relationship well enough that they were still friends. That, more than anything else, seemed to put a satisfied look on Adam's face. When they finished the meal, Adam immediately offered dessert.
"What do you think about that?"
"W-w-w-we've never had dessert here," Connor said. "It might be nice. But don't feel like you have to."
"It's not every day I get to treat you or …" Adam's gaze flicked to Jude "or your boyfriend to dinner. It will probably be a while until I'm able to do it again."
He signalled a waitress and requested a menu. He spread it out on the table and leant forward so they could all get eyes on the dessert list.
"What would you like?" Adam asked.
"Bombolone," Jude read. "Those sound interesting. Or there's always gelato. They have some different flavours."
"I've always liked tiramisu," Adam said. "Though, your mother couldn't stand it, Connor."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Wouldn't even let me eat it in front of her. What would you like, Connor?"
"I think we should get the bombolone," Connor suggested. "It would be easy to share."
"Bombolone it is!" Adam said. "Excellent choice."
The little bit of praise made Connor light up. Adam quickly caught their waitress and put the order in.
"Are these something you'd be able to make?" Jude asked Connor.
"Oh, maybe," Connor said. "They sounded simple on the menu, but I think a lot of things do. It might involve a lot of trial and error."
"I don't see a downside to error doughnuts."
"Do you cook a lot for Jude?" Adam asked.
"Um, a lot of the time when I'm at his house," Connor said. "I like cooking in his kitchen; it's a lot bigger than mine. And it's nice not eating alone."
"I like to pretend you like my company, anyway."
"Of course," Connor said, more passionately than Jude had expected.
Jude caught his eye and grinned, and didn't know if he'd have been able to make himself look away, were it not for the waitress leaving their dessert on the table. The clank of china against wood made him turn his head around. Immediately, Jude looked for Adam's reaction and, for a moment, he felt like he was in Connor's head, always looking at the faces of those around him and trying to gauge what they were thinking from that alone. Jude could never remember doing that with Dylan's parents, but Dylan's parents had never seemed so vital, not in the way that Adam did, anyway. Dylan had never had a bad experience with a boyfriend like Connor had. Dylan's parents had never needed to be protective like Adam was. He thought Adam looked a little amused, but he couldn't imagine why.
Adam picked up one of the pastries. "Let's see how these are."
Connor glanced at Jude. "You go."
"Your choice, baby, you get first turn."
Jude realized the 'baby' slip half of a second after Connor did, and mostly because he saw Connor's cheek start to go pink. Connor hadn't explicitly said not to call him by his nickname, but Jude knew that it had been implicit. Adam didn't say a word about it; Jude had to wonder if he was too involved in his dessert, however.
"Try them while they're still warm," Adam encouraged, and Jude reached for his treat.
He was more careful to watch his tongue for the rest of dinner, though it didn't take the three of them long to finish their order of bombolone and for Adam to pay for dinner.
"Thank you for dinner," Jude said.
"Yes," Connor blurted, "thank you. So much."
"Any time, it was my pleasure."
Jude held the door open for them to walk into the breezy outdoors. They shuffled out of the way of the door to linger on the sidewalk in front of Adam's rental car.
"Well, it was very nice to meet you, Jude."
"You as well," Jude said.
When he shook Adam's hand this time around, the grip wasn't nearly as tight.
"D-d-d-ad, I'll be at the car in a second."
"Sure, take your time."
Jude and Connor watched Adam get into the car, and then Connor turned to face Jude.
"How do you think it went?" Jude asked.
"A lot better than I thought it would." Connor smiled brightly. "I really think he likes you, Jude. H-how do you feel about him?"
"I liked him, Connor, I really did. I think it went really well."
"Me too." Connor hesitated and scuffed a foot on the ground."
"What is it?" Jude asked. "Something you're not telling me?"
"Something I'm not asking," Connor said.
"Ask away. I don't bite."
"Not without consent," Connor added cheekily, and Jude had to laugh.
"Are you asking me to bite you? You were the vampire on Halloween." Jude brushed his fingers against Connor's, and Connor hung onto his hand.
"No. I … I'd like to spend the night with you again. If that's all right. I just know I'm not going to see you for a while and I'd rather spend some time with you. A-a-a-and, it's a little selfish, I know, because I'm anxious but I know being around you is going to help. And I feel bad, because I'm going to have to be up early tomorrow too, for Dad to pick me up for the airport."
"Baby, don't worry about it. I'd love you to come home with me."
"I'd get Dad to drop me off. I need to put my bags in his car; they're still in my room. I wouldn't be gone long."
"Take your time; I'll be there. Did you want me to stop at the grocery store? Any snacks or anything you want?"
"No. I-I'm okay. I'll see you soon."
"See you soon."
Jude squeezed Connor's hand, but Connor didn't let go. Instead, he glanced over his shoulder to look at Adam and then refocused on Jude. He leant on his toes and gave Jude a chaste kiss, especially compared to the ones that they had been sharing lately – the ones that haunted Jude's dreams. Still, it made Jude smile.
"I thought you weren't going to do that in front of your dad."
"Me either," Connor said. "But, he's going to have to get used to seeing me with a boy, and I think you passed all of his tests. And I just wanted to kiss you."
"See you soon," Jude said again.
This time, Connor squeezed his hand and turned away, climbing into Adam's car. Jude waved goodbye, and then turned to Gerald. It was going to be a quick drive home.
(-.-)
Connor got into his Adam's rental car, nervously glancing at his father's face. Adam was hard to read as he backed out of his parking spot.
"Left or right from here to go back to your dorm?" Adam asked.
Connor nervously checked around. He was used to Jude being the one in charge of directions. He wasn't completely confident as he instructed his father to go right.
"S-s-so?" Connor asked. "What, um, d-d-did you think?"
"Of Jude?" Adam said.
"Yes," Connor said.
"He seems like a good kid, Connor. I'm glad I was able to meet him. He sounds like he's got a good family and his life as together as I would expect a twenty-one-year-old to have. I am nowhere near as nervous now as I was of the amount of time that you to spend together. You and he seem like a good fit," Adam tacked on.
Connor pressed his hands tightly together. "Really? You mean that?"
"I do. He seems good for you, Connor, and, as long as he stays good for you, I will support the two of you. After that, I'll still support you."
"Thank you, Dad, that means a lot."
"Is it right up here again?"
"No, straight for another few streets and then we'll be back on campus," Connor said. "Um, Dad?"
"Yes?"
"I, um, am going to spend the night with Jude. W-w-w-would you mind dropping me off there after, um, we get my bags?"
"Sure," Adam said. "You're comfortable spending the night?"
"Yes. Sometimes he asks me to stay, sometimes I ask to stay."
"Does he spend the night in your room?"
"It's a right here, Dad. And, no, he never has. My room is small. It's nicer to be in his apartment. He's been in my room, though."
"I didn't know that," Adam said. "How was that for you?"
"Good, actually. Dr. Scott said she was proud of me for it."
"I am too," Adam said.
He found a parking spot and Connor went up to his room. Connor did a quick look-through of his things to make sure that there was nothing he was forgetting, and then made sure he had unplugged everything. He gasped when he realized that he had forgotten to water his cactuses; if he did so tonight, they should be fine until he came back. Or so he hoped. He didn't want anything to happen to them, but there was no one that he could ask to water them. Jude was going to be home, an hour away, and he had no one else that could ask.
Connor picked up his bag and backpack, filled with his overnight things. Connor hurried back down the stairs, cringing every time he misjudged where the wheels on his suitcase were and hit it off of one of the stairs. He was relieved to be out in the night air and wheeled his suitcase over to Adam, who was waiting with the trunk open. Even though Connor didn't need the help to heft his suitcase into the trunk, he was still grateful that Adam gave him a hand with it. They were back in his car when Adam asked, "So, I will pick you up there in the morning?"
"Yes. I'll be ready at four-thirty, like you said."
"All right. Show me the way."
The only thing they said on the way to Jude's was directions. Connor didn't know whether or not to be grateful for the lack of conversation. He didn't want their entire time together to be like this, but he was hoping that Adam's silence would break once they were in New York and that he didn't want to run out of things to say too early on.
"Just pull over on the side of the road here, Dad."
Adam put on his blinker, even though there was no one else around. "See you in the morning. Tell Jude to have a 'merry Christmas' for me." Adam paused. "Does he celebrate Christmas?"
"He does, and I will. Thank you, Dad. See you tomorrow."
Connor slid out the car door and closed it as softly as he could and then he headed down the hill. He knocked on Jude's front door and shifted his weight as he saw Jude approaching on the other side of the curtain.
"You could have just come in, you know," Jude said.
"I couldn't have. It's your apartment, Jude."
"I know." Jude gestured him in and closed the door behind him. "I like you being here."
Connor slipped his shoes off. "I hope so. Is the door locked?"
"Feeling paranoid tonight?" Jude asked.
"I'm not paranoid that often," Connor said defensively. "I just want the peace of mind that the door is locked."
"It's locked, I promise," Jude said, attempting to turn the knob and tugging on the door to prove his point.
"Thanks. By the way, Dad says 'merry Christmas'."
"Tell him the same when you see him again," Jude said, smiling.
Connor looked his boyfriend over. "If you're in your pyjamas, I'd like to be in mine."
"Fair, fair. I'll be on the couch, waiting for you."
Connor leant forward and kissed Jude's cheek. Jude's hand reached around to rest on Connor's hip and Connor drew a breath.
"Don't want to?" Jude asked.
"Let me change, first," Connor said. "I thought you were going to wait on the couch."
Jude kissed Connor quickly, close to the corner of Connor's mouth but not completely. "I like it when you flirt with me."
"Does the count as flirting?"
"With the biting thing earlier and the couch thing now," Jude said, "I'd say so."
"Let me get changed," Connor said.
"Mmkay," Jude said. "Don't take too long."
Connor had absolutely no intention of that. He changed quickly, leaving on just his white wife beater like he had last time. He wanted to see if Jude looked at him the same way again or if Jude's gaze focused on his scars. Connor glanced at himself just briefly in the mirror. He didn't want to be just his looks, nor did he want to be just his scars. He wanted to be that more that he thought Jude saw; the one that Jude talked about seeing. He left the bathroom, switching off the light and leaving his bag just behind the couch like he normally did. Jude was stretched out along the couch. Connor slid in behind Jude, who turned around to face him.
"Your toes are cold," Connor complained.
"I can't help that," Jude said, even as he reached up and settled the plaid blanket over the two of them. "Better?"
"When your toes warm, it will be."
Jude laughed. "That's fair. So?"
"So, what?" Connor asked, wrapping his arms tightly around Jude.
"So, did you and your dad talk about me in the car?"
"Yes."
"And?"
"He likes you. Just like I thought. He actually said he thought we were good together."
"He said that?"
Connor felt like his grin was going to split his face in two. "He said it!"
"I think we're good together too," Jude said.
"Me too."
Connor could see that way Jude was looking at his lips and he knew the way that Jude's hand was slowly sliding up his bare arm to rest on his bicep. Connor didn't hesitate to lean forward and kiss Jude, soft and slow. It was all that he had intended to do, but then the fact that he wasn't going to see Jude for a few weeks sunk in and Jude's hand slid up his ribs, and something came over him. He wrapped his arms tightly around Jude and pulled him close. Jude tucked himself underneath of Connor, and Connor was glad to lean slightly on him. Jude's hand pressed flat against Connor's back.
"May I?" Jude asked.
"Huh?" Connor said, pulling up abruptly.
"Last night, getting under your shirt … Can I do that again?"
Connor shifted his weight onto his elbow and let his now free hand flutter against Jude's side.
"I can be naked if you want me to be naked," Jude offered.
"I never said 'naked'!"
"No, I did."
"Have you been thinking about that?"
"No more than usual."
Connor decided, from Jude's cheeky grin, that he was just teasing him and wasn't serious. Still, he took the hem of Jude's t-shirt between his thumb and index finger, gently rubbing the fabric, trying to think things through. What did he want? What was he ready for? What did he just think he wanted, because he thought that was what Jude wanted? He had let Jude touch his bare back; he had never brushed against Jude's skin like that.
"C-c-could I, first?" Connor finally asked, pulling at Jude's shirt, just enough to let Jude know what he was thinking.
"Yeah," Jude said.
Connor moved slowly, unsure of what to do or where to go. Jude wasn't giving him any direction on where to touch or how to do so. He should know by now that Jude didn't come with an instruction manual, but that didn't stop Connor from occasionally wanting one. He didn't want to do something that Jude didn't like, though he didn't know how badly he could screw up with just a hand against Jude's skin. And Jude's skin was just as soft as Connor wanted it to be.
"I'm going to kiss you now," Jude declared, but it was Connor that made the move toward him.
He pressed his lips against Jude's and moved Jude's hand to his back. Jude pulled Connor's shirt up slightly. Connor shivered under Jude's touch.
"Bad?"
"No," Connor said, quickly. "Do you want me to flirt with you or do you want me to kiss you?"
"Oh!"
Jude's eyebrows raised and Connor realized exactly what he'd said and how he had said it. He pulled his hand away from Jude and sat up, pushing away from his boyfriend to sit by Jude's feet.
"I-I-I'm sorry, Jude."
"For what?" Jude pushed himself up on his elbows. "You didn't do anything wrong."
Anything wrong. The words made Connor feel childlike, not something he wanted to feel when his body was full of adrenaline and want for the man in front of him. Connor took a deep breath to try and steady himself.
"I, um, didn't … I was bossy."
"I don't mind," Jude said. "Honestly. The way you said it was kind of a turn on."
Connor wasn't sure that sat right with him either. He sat back, stretching his legs out so that his feet were near Jude's hip. Jude rested his hand on top of Connor's toes.
"What's the face?" Jude asked.
"Suddenly not sure how to feel," Connor said.
"Why's that?"
Connor closed his eyes and rested his head against the back of the couch. He took a moment to enjoy the darkness, knowing that Jude wasn't going to do anything but sit there and wait for Connor to answer. There was a luxury in that knowledge that could have brought Connor to tears if he allowed himself to think about it for too long. He didn't let himself; he didn't want to cry tonight. He opened his eyes slowly, and there was Jude, just watching him. Jude raised his eyebrows at Connor again, and then toyed with his middle toe.
"I just don't want to push anything with you, Jude. I never want to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing. I think you're one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I'm scared that one day you're going to realize that someone like me is just too much for you. Which I know is fair. You shouldn't have to put up with everything wrong with me. I guess I just don't want to do anything that's going to make that day come faster."
"That day's not coming," Jude said. "Someone like you is someone I want to be with, someone I have fun with. Baby, I want you to say what you want to say, not what you think I'd like to hear. I don't want you to be obedient."
Obedient. Connor mouthed the word. It wasn't inaccurate for his time with his ex, but it still wasn't something that Connor wanted to think about himself at all. Obedient was worse than childlike; it was doglike.
"I don't want you to be mad at me when I'm not."
"I'm not even close to being mad. People disagree. It makes you human and interesting. So, what do you think now?"
"Did you really like it when I said that?"
"Yes." Jude's grin grew and then he added, "but I don't know if you're ready to hear about how much."
"I'm never going to be ready for you to talk about it."
"Can I push my luck with flirting or are we kind of over that for tonight?" Jude asked.
"Um, try? Maybe this line will finish me," Connor teased.
"So, you don't like talking, that's fine. I'll show you mine if you show me yours."
Connor laughed. "That's … unfair."
"Unfair? Why?"
"Because I'm more interested in seeing yours."
"Tell me more."
"Not, like, oh, now I'm just getting myself in trouble."
Connor grabbed the plaid blanket and pulled it up over his head, feeling completely embarrassed. He'd never had to have this kind of conversation. He'd never had to figure out anything physical with another person before. His ex had laid the ground rules; Connor had gone along. Jude wasn't going to boss Connor around; Connor wasn't going to boss Jude around. Thus, they had to try and figure out how to have a conversation. The frank discussion that Connor could handle. The innuendos, double entendre, and teasing Connor couldn't, if only because he managed to hit his blush before Jude did.
"Aww, baby, come on," Jude said, and he wiggled Connor's toe again. "Come on. You're only in the fun kind of trouble."
"There is no such thing as a fun trouble," Connor muttered.
"You're not in trouble," Jude tried again.
Connor peeked out the side of the blanket.
"I do want you to finish your thought, though," Jude said.
Connor disappeared under the blanket.
"Connor," Jude whined.
"You have to come here first, please."
The couch shifted and then Jude was under the blanket with him. Jude nestled against his shoulder, his arms around Connor's waist.
"I didn't mean to imply that I … I was ready to see anything of yours," Connor said. "I just meant, it would be easier for me. It's easier for me to touch you than for you to touch me. And I … I am curious about you, l-l-like that. I'm just not ready for that curiousity to be satisfied."
"I understand," Jude said. "No big deal. But, it's nice to hear."
"What is?"
"That you're curious. I like to know you're attracted to me. I know you're the hot one, I just like to know you like how I look. Even with how sweaty my hair is getting under this blanket. Can we move it down a little?"
Connor tugged the blanket down so that their heads were exposed, and then he wrapped his arms around Jude, looking down into his eyes. "You get insecure about that?"
"Sometimes." Jude wouldn't look directly at him. "You're not great about expressing stuff like that."
"I'm sorry," Connor said. He wanted to say I should be better to you and for you, but he realized that wouldn't help Jude, because that was still about Connor. "I don't want you to think I don't like how you look, because I do. I, um, I'm not good at saying things like you are. But I like how tall you are and I like how warm you are and I really like your face. Um." Connor could feel his face flushing again.
"Thank you for trying," Jude said.
"I'll say it more," Connor promised. "Make up for it."
"I'd like that."
"If I promise not panic this time, can I kiss you?"
"I'd like that too."
Jude's leg slid over top of Connor's, and Connor leant slightly over him again.
"I love your eyes, baby," Jude said, right before Connor kissed him.
Jude's hand slid over Connor's back as their lips met; slowly pulling his shirt up to give Connor time to protest. But that touch was something that Connor was starting to get used to. He pushed his hand under Jude's shirt, feeling the rapid beating of Jude's heart directly under his palm. That was what made the bottom of his stomach tighten and he felt want build up in him again. Jude's leg pulled at Connor and Connor lost the tentative balance he had and he fell onto Jude.
"Oof!" Jude complained.
"Sorry!" Connor said, pushing himself back up.
Jude grinned at him. "I was already breathless."
Connor pulled his hand from under Jude's shirt and he missed the warmth of Jude's body.
"Is now when you're going to tell me it's bedtime?"
"Dad's picking me up from here at four-thirty."
"Which means we should make the most of the next four and a half hours." Jude tilted his head and started kissing along the bottom of Connor's jaw. "You can sleep on the plane. I can spend the day in bed."
Connor's heart started thudding louder in his chest; the whisper of Jude's lip against his skin like that made his body tighten in a way that he wasn't used to. Connor's ex had so rarely taken the time to figure out what he liked physically – and even when he knew, it was rare that he had done it – but Jude just seemed to sense what Connor liked. It drove Connor crazy, because he liked the sensations, he was just scared of them. He didn't know what to do with them, because he couldn't be sure of where they would lead.
"Unless you want to sleep."
Jude's breath spilled hot over his neck and it raised goosebumps on Connor's body – the good kind of goosebumps. Connor felt the moment when caution left him and then his lips were against Jude's, his hand sliding back under Jude's t-shirt. Jude's leg wrapped around him again, pulling him closer with a grab that was just a little too much.
"Be gentle with me," he whispered.
Jude nodded and tilted his head to kiss Connor. Jude's fingers moved more slowly as he lifted the back of Connor's shirt again. Connor paused, just above Jude's lips as both of Jude's hands softly pressed against Connor's bare back.
"Tell me when to stop," Jude said.
The heat from Jude's palms leaked into his skin Connor felt the harsh nerves in his stomach begin to settle. Adrenaline still seared his veins, but there was no longer panic.
"Not yet," Connor said.
Connor closed his eyes and brushed his lips against Jude's, letting his hand traverse the skin of Jude's torso, trying to learn the bumps of his ribs and small dimples in his skin. Jude sighed against Connor's mouth, but it sounded like a satisfied sound. Jude's leg slowly raised, tight against Connor's hip. Connor kissed him again and Jude's thigh pressed against him and one of his hands moved to the front of Connor's chest and down his abdomen. Jude's hand touch Connor's abs and he let out a small moan that sent a shiver through Connor. Jude's hand moved to rest on his ribs and Connor knew when Jude stopped touching him in innocent curiousity and started tracing the scar.
"No, no," Connor breathed, stretching his hand to grab Jude's wrist. "Not there."
"That's –"
"A mess, I know," Connor said. "I'm not ready to talk about it. This was too much."
Jude's dark eyes were huge-looking on his thin face. Connor rubbed his thumb over the soft inside of Jude's forearm.
"What part was too much?" Jude asked.
Connor pressed Jude's hand over the top of his shirt, back against his abdomen. He watched Jude's hand spread out across his stomach and then he looked back to Jude's eyes. Jude nodded at him, pulling his hand from the back of Connor's shirt to rest over his shoulder blade, above his shirt. Jude even went to push his leg down, but Connor caught him, hugging his knee tightly.
"We're kind of in a tangle," Jude said.
"Yeah," Connor agreed. "Do you want to be untangled?"
"No. I kind of like not knowing whether that's my leg or your leg."
The bend in Connor's wrist was starting to ache and he slowly lowered himself down onto his side, pulling Jude with him so they were nose to nose. Jude hooked his leg over both of Connor's again. Connor snaked his arms around Jude and rested his head so their noses were almost touching and Jude's face was beginning to blur.
"I can't believe I'm this close to you," Connor confessed.
"In what way?"
"In the way that I thought I'd never be able to be with someone," Connor said honestly, and then, with hesitation and blushing, he added, "And, um, in the w-w-way that you're, uh, too cute to be real."
Jude smiled wide enough for Connor to count his front teeth, a chuckle escaping him.
"Too much?" Connor asked, worried.
"No. No, that was sweet," Jude said. "That was exactly what I wanted."
"I want to make you happy, Jude."
"You do."
Jude sounded so sincere that, for a moment, it was able to wash Connor's doubt away. He kissed the tip of Jude's nose, but the lateness of the hour was getting to him, and he could feel himself beginning to get sleepy. If Jude wanted to stay awake until Connor had to leave, Connor could do that for him; it wasn't as if he wanted to sleep. He and Jude were only going to be separated for a short time, and Connor didn't feel the anxiety he used to at the thought of being away from his ex. No, it wasn't as if he felt the impulse to always be next to Jude like he did with his ex. Connor knew exactly what it was. He liked how he and Jude were. He liked how he felt when he was near Jude. He liked how they were together.
"What are you thinking?" Jude asked.
"I don't want this break to change anything."
"Didn't we agree to do some thinking over break? So, we could we maybe do some talking after?"
"I know. I will. And we will. I'm not a liar, Jude. I just don't like change."
"Why doesn't that surprise me?"
Connor smiled a little, and then brought his hand up to the back of Jude's head, playing with the soft hair of his head. "Maybe because you know me."
"And I'm so happy for that." Jude stroked Connor's bicep. "Have I mentioned I like how you work out?"
"I think you might have once … or twice … at least."
"I'm not sorry for it," Jude said.
"I didn't ask you to be."
Jude snuggled into Connor's chest. "How long until your dad comes?"
"Two and a half more hours, I think. Why? Anything in mind?"
"Nope. Just cuddle me and talk to me."
Connor reached down with one hand and pulled it up over the two of them. "About what?"
"Anything."
"Anything? There's a lot we can talk about."
Jude's eyes flickered in thought. "Um. Tell me about Christmas. Your favourite Christmas."
"Then you have to go next," Connor said.
"I will."
"All right," Connor said, and then he thought about it. "I guess I was eight …"
The chapter's title is after the song Take A Look At Me Now by Greyson Chance. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~