Chapter 7-5

Most days, the common room was alive with people. There was always someone there, livening up the place, be it a Protectorate member or some of the troopers stationed here. Now, though, the place was eerily subdued. Oh, there were plenty of people, it's just that no one felt like small talk while we waited. No surprise, considering what has happened. While I hadn't heard of anyone being killed, we did suffer a lot of injuries. It was to be expected when you're fighting someone of the Boxheads' caliber. Didn't mean we liked it.

Funnily enough, no one was really eying me in particular. I got several worried glances, but no more than the other Wards. Didn't they know? Was there something else going on that I hadn't heard off?

On a more positive note, the Wards all made it, thank God. They all looked a little distraught, especially Missy, but at least none of them were hurt. Only Kid Win and Aegis were still missing, the former still being in surgery and the latter probably running late. The Protectorate wasn't so lucky: Dauntless, Miss Militia, Battery, and Armsmaster weren't here yet. I knew Armsmaster was fine, but the others…

Speaking of Armsmaster, I overheard him talking to Aegis a few rooms away. "…no, just…stop. Please."

"But sir…" Aegis replied in a way that sounded almost like pleading.

"No. Aegis, you just made three terrible mistakes that under any other circumstance would have cost you your position. One, you're drawing conclusions that you're in no way qualified to make."

"Forty people died, Armsmaster, some of them in hand-to-hand combat. She didn't bat an eyelash." I sighed. They were talking about me, weren't they? Well, I suppose I couldn't blame them. They were my superiors and would have to deal with what I've done sooner or later. I just wished they had the decency to have this talk when I'm not within earshot.

"Which just means that she's probably in shock or that current events haven't caught up with her yet. It's not unusual for that to take several days, or even weeks, to happen. The fact that she's still functional now doesn't make her a sociopath."

"I'm just saying…"

"Two, " Armsmaster interrupted with a growl. "you brought this up in the middle of an ongoing operation. Did you stop to think what would've happened if she'd broken down then and there? At best, you'd have turned one of your most powerful members into a liability. At worst, you'd have gotten her or someone else killed."

It sounded like Aegis wanted to say something, but he wisely kept his mouth shut.

"Three, you're having this discussion with me, on base, well within range of her Thinker power. In fact, I'm almost certain she's listening in and drawing conclusions as we speak. Given her paranoid streak and severe trust issues, she'll probably lose whatever faith she had left in you and maybe even in me. In short, if there actually is a problem, you've just made it exponentially harder to fix."

"I'm just trying to do what's best for everyone, sir." Aegis replied, weakly.

Armsmaster sighed. "I know, which is why I'm not reprimanding you for this. I can't punish you for making a mistake when you're this far out of depth. Nevertheless, you're going to have to fix this mess, one way or another. I need a Wards team, which means rebuilding the bridges you just burned. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good."

With the conversation having ended, the two headed for the common room. When they came through the door, I did my best to try and pretend I never heard them. Even so, I couldn't bring myself to look Carlos in the eye as he walked past me. I took a deep breath. Just when I could finally muster the courage to come out of my shell, I was clamming shut again.

"Goddammit, Carlos." Dean muttered under his breath.

Armsmaster spoke up. I'll worry about it later. "As far as I'm concerned, this was a victory. The bad guys lost, the captive has been returned, and we've learned a lot more about the Boxheads' weapons and strategies. You can all be proud of yourselves."

He was met with silence. Honestly, what was there to say? We won, sure, but I feel we lost something too, in a way. "Kid Win is in surgery as we speak and when he wakes up, he'll spend a day in Master/Stranger confinement in case Alad left us any surprises. Miss Militia and Dauntless are being treated for minor injuries and Battery for a critical one, but according to our doctors they should all make a full recovery. I'll be expecting your complete after action reports in 24 hours."

Short and not particularly informative. Not that I could really blame Armsmaster for that. As far as I could tell, he'd been fighting the giant robot for much of the battle. He probably knew less than we did and there were far too many questions left unanswered. Without our reports, there wasn't much to say.

"If I may, sir, what exactly are we going to tell the public?" Velocity asked with a hint of anger in his voice. "Specifically, about the fact that you sent our Wards team into a warzone."

Without missing a beat, Armsmaster answered: "We are going to tell them that a minor gang made a power play and that the Protectorate moved in and stopped them. The Wards were there as support only. No mention will be made of Kid Win and his capture."

"With all due respect, sir, that's…"

"A lie, yes. One I'm ordering you to tell. As I mentioned, this was a time- and PR-sensitive matter. Waiting for reinforcements or recruiting independents wasn't an option and we needed the firepower." Before Velocity could sputter, Armsmaster held up his hand. "We did what we had to, Velocity, and I stand by my decision. What really happened tonight is classified. No one outside the organization, be that press, family, or friends, can know what happened. Do I make myself clear?"

There were murmurs of assent, but nothing more. "Good. Dismissed."

No talking to press, family, or friends. That probably included my dad. Fuck. First I had to lie to him about Miss Millitia and now this. What else am I going to have to hide from him? I finally got the impression that we were becoming a family again and now Armsmaster practically ordered me to sabotage that.

I didn't want to lie anymore. That was supposed to be a thing of the past, something I left behind when I left Winslow. Then again, would I have told him the truth, even if I could? I know Dad's already worried about me getting hurt. If he found out that I've killed dozens of people, how would he react? While he had no love for supervillains and certainly not for people like the Boxheads, I don't think he'll handle me having a body count very well. Best case scenario, he only gets more nightmares. Worst case, he pulls me out of the Wards and starts suing the PRT. Either way, telling him would only make things worse.

But if I wasn't going to tell him the truth, I'd have to lie to him. I'd have to tell him, straight to his face, that I haven't killed anyone and that the heroes weren't making me do anything that could possibly get myself killed. Could I lie to him about something like that? Would he be able to tell? He knew I was being bullied, after all, even if he never bothered to do anything with that knowledge. I couldn't rely on him making that mistake a second time.

I sighed. I had too much on my mind already. Trying to find a way to deceive my dad as well was too much. I decided to spend the night on the rig, which at least gave me another day to think about it. Lying through the phone is much easier, after all. Besides, I still needed to write my report and if I did that here, Dad couldn't stumble on it by accident.

Yeah, better to stay the night. I went to my room and called him.

"Hebert." He said through the phone.

"Hey, Dad, it's me."

"Taylor! Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Dad. Just a small gang with delusions of grandeur. Had to step in before Empire 88 did it for us and set the city on fire."

"Oh, okay. That's good."

"I was just calling to tell you that I'm not coming home tonight."

"Again?" Dad asked. I bit my lip. I had been away from home a lot. Demands of the job, I guess.

"Yeah, I'd rather not run through the docks at eleven in the evening. There be dragons, and all that." With a smirk, I quipped: "Or at least, there used to be."

"Huh. Right." Dad apparently didn't find it as funny as I did. "Well, goodnight then, kiddo."

"Good night, Dad." I hung up. Crisis averted, at least for the moment. I rubbed my temples and started writing my report.

About halfway thought, I heard a knock on the door. Missy was here, and judging by her tear-stained face, she'd been crying. Something must have been bothering her. I let her in and she started pacing around my room.

"How'd you do it?" She eventually asked.

"Do what?"

Small parts of my room started being stretched around before rectifying themselves. "Kill people and just…walk away. How can you hurt people and not…feel anything."

Oh, so that's what she wanted. She was here to judge me. Great, like I don't get enough of that from Carlos. Speaking of Carlos, did he put her up to this? He could have. I was closer to Missy than I was to most of the other members of the team. Maybe Carlos thought that if he couldn't get me to open up and see the error of my ways, then maybe she could. "Look, I've had a long day. If you're going to call me a psycho, come back tomorrow. I'm not in the mood."

"No, that's not…I didn't mean to…I…" Missy stammered over her words and the warps started getting worse. Was her power linked to stress? Could she lose control over her power? If so, should I start getting worried?

"Well?"

She took a deep breath and said: "I killed seven people tonight." Oh. I did not see that coming. Sure, someone must have taken down the people I missed, but I hadn't expected that Missy would end up with blood on her hands. "There, I said it. I killed them, and I can't take it back anymore. Seven people. Me and Browbeat. John punched a dumpster, I dropped it right on top of them. They jumped off the roof, I made the roof a mile high."

When she seemed to calm down a little, I asked: "Feel better?"

"No…" Was all she could say before bursting into tears.

Oh, boy. Once again, I've completely misjudged the situation. Fucking paranoia. At any rate, this didn't sound good at all. Clearly, Missy didn't take killing as well as I did, which was probably a good thing in the grand scheme of things. That said, it did leave me with a bawling girl in my room and I had no idea how to make her feel better. I thought about complementing how well she synergized her power with Browbeat's, but that would probably make things worse. Dammit, she's my friend! I want to help her.

I pulled her into a hug. It wasn't very effective. "Hey, hey, it's okay."

"No, it's not." She sobbed. "I had to do it. You missed some guys up on the rooftop and they were shooting us. Now Miss Militia can't help me because she's in the hospital and I can't talk to Carlos or Dean or they'll freak and say I'm crazy or think I'm some weak little kid. I don't know who else to talk to and you just… Did I do the right thing?"

"Yes." I said, without hesitation.

"Then why does it hurt? Doing the right thing isn't supposed to hurt. It never did before."

I was about to say something when I reconsidered. It was possible that she was legitimately asking me for advice on how to cope, but it was also possible that she just wanted me to spill the beans. Sure, acting this well would be hard, but it wasn't impossible. On the other hand, if she really needed my help and I didn't give it to her, I'd crush her right here and now. Even if she was telling the truth, how do I help her? I'm mostly fine because my brain's screwed up. Hers, as far as I know, still works normally.

Fuck it, I had to try. "Killing isn't a good thing. I don't like it either, but… well, if it makes you feel better, maybe you should think about all the people you've saved."

"I tried. It doesn't work, it just…" Missy took a deep breath. Good. I was worried she'd start to hyperventilate soon if she didn't calm down. "I envy you, you know."

"Because I can hurt people without feeling anything?" I really hoped that that wasn't what she was thinking.

"Yes! No…I… Look, I just want to know how you do it. Just keep going when this happens. Just so I can sleep tonight and…maybe live with myself tomorrow."

The way Missy was looking at me… Damn her and her puppy-dog eyes. I wanted to help her, I really did, I just didn't know how. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to do either."

"Oh." The disappointment in her voice was gut-wrenching.

"But I want to help you if I can. I don't know how, but… You're a friend and I don't like seeing you hurt. Maybe we can ask Miss Militia for help tomorrow. They'll probably let us visit then."

"Okay." She said, nodding weakly before walking away. "Thanks, I guess. For trying."

I sighed. I couldn't help but pity her. No one should have to go through that.

Maybe my mental disorder was a blessing in disguise.