Connor spun his fork through his pasta and looked out the window. Adam had gotten them a table at the window, and he liked how easy it was to people watch, but he also didn't like how exposed it made him feel. People could see him all too clearly. He preferred to be invisible. He pulled his eyes away from the darkened streets and watched Adam swipe the side of his garlic bread through the tomato sauce.

"Anything special you want to do for Christmas Eve?" Adam asked. "You've only got a few more days to think about it."

Three, to be exact. Connor took a bite of his pasta and chewed carefully. He didn't know what there was to do in New York City on Christmas Eve. It was what he had told Adam the last time that he had asked while Adam told him that he should look up some things that he might enjoy doing. Connor had done so, but he didn't want to be the one to make a decision. It was never in his style and he felt like he should defer to Adam more. Adam was his father; they weren't on the same playing field, like he and Jude vaguely were. Adam was an adult and that meant that he was above Connor. He finished his bite and immediately took another.

"Well, you think about it," Adam said. He paused, and then he cleared his throat, "Connor, I told you that we were going to have some hard conversations about your mother. We still have some time left together and I'm ready to have those conversations when you are."

Connor had to put down his fork and he folded his hands into his lap. "I want to know everything about Mom. Everything you can tell me. I know that. She wasn't perfect. I know that too. I just want to know all that I can."

Adam nodded. "Okay. Do you want to do that here?"

"If you're ready to talk then, um, I'm ready to listen," Connor said as confidently he possibly could.

"I cared about your mother very much," Adam said, "and she cared about me. But, even so, we weren't without problems."

Connor knew that. Who wasn't without issues? He could remember his parents having arguments, but not obnoxious ones that shook the house. They seemed fine. Boring and fine, for the most part. Until Mom got sick, and then things got interesting in the worst possible way. His parents didn't argue much after her diagnosis. She had joked to Connor, in private, that they should run away one day, to show his dad that he shouldn't hover quite so much. Then, on one of her good days, they had. She had taken him to try sushi for the first time – something about it disgusted Adam and that had led to a knee-jerk 'gross' reaction in Connor. But his mother had convinced him to try it that day, promising him that she wouldn't force-feed raw fish. Adam had called, concerned, and Mom had picked up on the first ring, spilling the beans about where they were. Adam had joined him, eating teriyaki chicken and that had been it, but they had been together. Connor hadn't thought about that particular day in a long time.

"What kind of problems?"

"Right before your mother's diagnosis – about three or four days, actually – she filed for divorce."

"Divorce? Why?"

"She fell in love with someone else. She sat me down and told me. She said that she hadn't done anything physical with the other person and that she hadn't cheated on me in that way, but that she and the other person had fallen in love. It was surprisingly civil. We talked all night. She said that she would always care about me, but that she could tell that I wasn't the person that she was supposed to be with forever, that we would do everything we could to take care of you. You were her first priority, Connor. I wasn't happy about it but I knew her. I knew she had made up her mind. There was nothing I could say to make her change it. And, what could I do? Be the man that wouldn't let her leave?" Adam hung his head. "Still, that moment stuck with me, in awful ways."

The last part made no sense to Connor whatsoever, but he had to ask, "Who? I don't, um, remember anyone being around the hospital or at all when she was sick."

"No, you wouldn't," Adam said. "In the beginning, your mother made up fake appointments and I would drop her off to see the person. Then, when she started to get too ill to go anywhere, she would have them visit when you weren't around. It was hard for her but, in the end, when you were home with her most of the day and she knew that she wasn't going to make it, it was you she wanted to be with. And, so, she sent that person away."

"Who? Did I ever see them?"

"Yes. Amelia went to the funeral."

"Amelia," Connor repeated. "Mom was in love with a woman?"

Seconds after he said it, everything clicked for Connor. That moment stuck with me, in awful ways. In awful ways. Awful ways. Connor had never known his father to be homophobic before he came out, but it wasn't as if his father regularly saw anyone who was gay, either. He had no gay friends and he had no relatives at all, let alone any that had come out. Connor had always assumed that Adam's homophobia had just come to the forefront because Connor had shoved it in his face by coming out and finding a boyfriend. But if that hadn't been it, if something had set Adam off before hand, making him more hateful for when Connor finally came out … His breath caught. He had never considered anything like that.

"Yes, she was. She told me that she had always had an interest in women but that, once she met me and we started dating, she didn't see the point in telling me. She had never been with a woman before falling in love with Amelia. She only told me this after telling me she was leaving me."

Connor dug his nails into his palms, trying to focus on that instead of the emotional pain that was tearing through him. "Dad, is that, um, th-th-that wh-why you, um, after I-I-I-I-I c-c-came out, you, um –"

"Reacted the way I did?"

Connor resented being interrupted, but he kept his mouth shut. That was the exact question he had been trying to ask.

"Probably."

That's not fair! Connor wanted to scream but he couldn't scream. He couldn't say anything. His eyes started to feel heavy and wet and he shut his lids, but he was too scared of the unknown to keep them closed for too long.

"Take me back," he said, surprising himself without how even he sounded. He felt all of his emotions bubbling under his skin, threatening to burst forth and break him.

"Okay. Let me get the check."

Sitting there and staring at his plate for the few minutes that it took for Adam to get the bill and for the waitress to return with the change was an eternity. Connor didn't say a word as they walked the short blocks back to their hotel. In the elevator, Adam turned and tried to talk to him, but Connor crossed his arms low over his chest. It was the most aggressive thing that he had done and he immediately found himself undoing it.

"Connor, I'm sorry."

But how could that mean anything? Adam had hated him based on what his mother had done. His dead mother, who had done nothing but follow her heart and do it in the best way that she knew how. It wasn't as if she had a good choice in the matter. He didn't bother to respond to his father, because he knew he couldn't say that and he didn't really know how to say anything at all. When the door to the hotel room opened, Connor sealed himself away to his room. He worried about being rude; then, he decided that if he ever had a right to be, it was now, and he turned his back on the door. He knew that his father wouldn't disturb him.

He stood in the middle of his empty room, clenching his hands and then unclenching his hands, trying to figure out what to do, before he just sunk down to the floor on his knees, feeling like crying but not quite knowing how to. What was he supposed to do with this kind of pain? What was he supposed to do knowing his father had doomed him to life with ex, not because he hated who Connor was, but because he couldn't get over something his mother had done? Neither were easy to swallow. Connor didn't know what one was worse.

He rolled onto his knees and a flashback came back to him. Nauseating, as always, where he was pushed back and forced and he stood from his knees as quickly as possible, as if being out of the position would change what he was thinking or feeling. Connor grabbed his blanket off his bed and carried it out onto the small balcony with him. The winds were piercing and he wrapped the quilt around himself, as if that could keep things out. Connor pulled his phone out and sent a shaky text to Jude.

Connor: Please text me when you can.

He was surprised when his phone immediately started ringing.

"H-h-hi."

"Hey, baby. What's up?"

"I, um, I j-j-just. What are you, um, doing?" That question was easier than any explanation that he could start. And he didn't want to take up time that Jude didn't have.

"I'm walking home. I just got done my last shift before Christmas. I'm spending the night in my apartment and then driving home in the morning. I'm going to lunch with Taylor tomorrow, remember?"

"I remember."

"Full disclosure," Jude said, "she invited Dylan. I don't know if he's going or not, but he might be there."

"Thank you for telling me." Connor pulled the blanket over his head like a hood. He couldn't burden Jude now. Not when Jude was going to be seeing Dylan soon and could all too easily make the comparisons that Connor was worried and paranoid that he would. But that wasn't fair either, and that was what Connor was going to have to tell Jude when they had their upcoming talk when he got home. He rested his head against the cold metal railing and the feeling soaked through his blanket. "You didn't have to."

"I would have told you anyway," Jude said, "because I like sharing what I'm doing with you."

"Thank you. How was work?"

"Slow. Jason spent most of his time playing Candy Crush and I spent most of the time hiding behind the freezer so I didn't have to hear him play Candy Crush." Connor heard the lock of Jude's front door click.

"Oh."

"But you didn't call to hear me talk about work."

"No," Connor said, his voice quavering.

"Talk to me, baby, I'm listening."

Connor knew he was and he slowly spilt the details of what happened over dinner. He tried to voice his thoughts and feelings over it, but he didn't know how to phrase it.

"Connor, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say."

Connor closed his eyes and just let the sound of the city hit him, trying to ignore the sound of Jude's breathing. "That makes two of us."

"Your dad's here now. Isn't that what you've been saying this whole time? That he's here and he's really trying. I don't think he told you that to hurt you, Connor."

"It still hurt. I feel like he wanted me to get hurt to teach me a lesson about being gay. That's what I got out of him telling me that. That he hated my mom for falling in love and that he wanted me to suffer for it. I think that's what he was trying to tell me."

"I'm sorry, Connor. I don't want to talk about your father's motivations, because I don't want to talk for him. And I don't know what else I can talk about, because I don't know how to help you this time. The last thing I want to do is make you more upset. What can I do, baby?"

"I don't know," Connor said. "I don't know what I was expecting by calling you."

"I hope that I can be some kind of comfort," Jude said, "Even if I'm not entirely sure how to be. We can just sit and talk, like we normally do. Is that going to be better?"

"I don't know. I … I, um, think that I would like to hang up now."

"Sure, baby," Jude said. "You call me if you need anything else. I'll be here."

"Th-th-thank you."

After a quick goodnight, Connor hung up. He put One More Day on his phone and let the wind carry the notes over the city.

Mom, I wish you were here.

The chapter's title is after the song Given It All by Hayley Kiyoko (reader recommended). If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~