Four
I'm sitting on the couch watching NFL, but not really watching it. I haven't seen her in weeks, yes thats right I haven't seen her in weeks. The girl I'm talking about is Tris, and currently the only person that I can talk to about her is Christina, her best friend. She even tells me that Tris shut herself away, Zeke isn't helping my misery one bit. Always saying we should go out so I can get my mind off Tris, I don't want to get my mind off her. I want her. For the first time in a long time I've felt warm, like a soft hum and buzzing in me. It spreads through me whenever I touch her, whenever I think about her I feel my face get warm and I think back to whatever I can remember of her lips. The way her body molded perfectly to mine, how her hands felt on my face. Which were a pleasant cold but were warmed quickly. I needed to see her, talk to her, apologize for how stupid I was.
The commercial comes on and I decide I should get dressed, I half walk half drag my feet to my room and throw on a grey shirt with 3 doors down on it. I'm soon reminded that his was the shirt I wore while Zeke, Uriah, Will and I were playing with water guns on that hot day. The same day Tris went to the mall, looking hot and beautifully stunning in such simple clothes. Personally wedges with blue jeans are incredibly sexy to me. I think, that was the day I fell for her. I knew I liked her, she was cute at the party, and incredibly herself. She didn't back down, and she was sincere when she talked to me. Better yet, she was the first girl I've actually liked hugging.
Every other girl I ever put an arm around always told me to do that, I didn't have a problem with it, but I didn't like them on a personal level to do that on my own. I walk back out and fall onto the couch seeing that the game is back on. I'm a good 15 minutes in until Zeke walks in, holding a box. He looks at me before sighing, "Four, what the fuck have you been doing while I was gone?"
"Watching the game," I only glance at him.
"Obviously, but I mean something good and not wasting time?"
"I'm not wasting time," I retort, thats a lie, I'm doing nothing but wasting time. Zeke glares at the back of my head before turning off the game. I sit up, "Hey I was watching that," another lie. Zeke gestures around me, "You're going out,"
"No," I say right after,
"Yes, I'm going to clean this place up because we're having someone over, and you are going to go get the food."
"Neither of us can cook," I argue, I really don't want anything to do with other people. I just want her, seeing her will make everything okay. "Uriah can," who knew. "Now get your ass up and go get this for him," Zeke throws a slip of paper on my lap and stalks off into his room. I sigh and get up, making a scene of the whole thing, but secretly I'm grateful he gave me something to do. I slip on my black all stars, pull on a sweatshirt, grab my keys and go. Hopping into my truck, and driving to the store.
I get there soon enough and get the first thing on the list, chicken, breast more specifically. I picked up baby carrots, and some onions. Crossing them off the list, I looked down to see cinnamon. I then walked over to the spices aisle and looked with all my might to find that damned ground stick. Standing there staring at the list like it would tell me where the spice was, I wait glancing from it to the shelves trying to find it. So that term "The thing you're looking for most is always right in front of you, but you're going too crazy to actually see it's there," seriously applies to this situation. But then of course my mind snaps to her and how frantic I was about losing her I fucked it up. My eyes find the list again, like this fucking paper would give me all the answers. My head snapped up at a voice, "Excuse me, I need seasoned salt?" A small voice, a soft voice, though tired and exhausted sounded excited underneath.
She voiced it like a question, like she was asking if I could move rather than stating that she needed something. I nodded and stepped aside, "Oh, yeah, sorry," I say, looking at her a moment. I'm about to say something until I see that blonde hair, pulled tight into a ponytail. Though, she's wearing a baseball cap, she is still as beautiful as that night. "Tris…" Her name leaves my mouth before I have the strength to stop it. She stiffens a moment, her shoulders set and her body balances on her toes. She's ready to run and high tail out if something scared her. She turns slightly and her grey blue eyes catch mine. Her stance falters and her eyes widen. Her jaw slack, she only whispers as her face is one of pure discomfort and wary "Four,"
"Hey," I say, god I can't think of anything to say to the one person I actually want to talk to?
"Uhm, hi," she says, awkwardly. Well, fuck, this whole thing is awkward. "You look good," I try to compliment her. Because she does look good, better than how I feel, but she must not be affected at all.
"So do you," she manages, though she just stares at me. She doesn't really know what to do, like a deer in headlights. I notice her thumb nail picking at the plastic to the seasoning. She doesn't back down from looking at me actually. "Uhm, I have to go, I'll see you around maybe," she puts the spice in her cart and starts walking away and I can't help myself. I call after her, "Tris wait, I need to talk to you," I follow her to checkout until I get the nerve to touch her arm, "Tris please," I plead. I need to make this right.
"There's nothing to talk about," she hissed, pulling away from me.
"No there is, I haven't even looked at a girl for the past two weeks," I tell her, hoping that will explain to her. "And why is that?"
"I don't want to," I want her.
"You don't have to look at a girl to fuck her Four," I shake my head and look down. Why won't she listen to me? "Tris please, you're the only thing on my mind, the only thing that's been on my mind for about a month now," I try again.
"Save it," she snaps, "It's nothing you haven't told me when you were drunk!" She yells enraged, "Tris I made a mistake, I was drunk and I didn't know any better. Just please hear me out," I didn't know what I was doing, I wanted to kiss her but I couldn't stop myself. I wanted to be with her, I pushed away that other woman for her. Because she's the only thing I want, she's something else. I wish that I didn't mess up so bad, I wish that we could have fun like the water gun fight. I wish we had stupid bi polar moments like at the party. I want to start over, I regret letting go and forcing myself on her. She stares in shock as tears start pouring from her eyes. Her beautiful eyes. She then snaps and glares at me, "Go fuck yourself Four," SHe declares, I feel my body jerk back, I feel like I just got shot. I feel the tears well up, I refuse to break right now, so I look at the ground for a few moments before whispering, "Okay," I gulp, I have to see her, even if she hates me, I look up and see her conflicted underneath that layer of pain and rage. "Goodbye Tris," I say quietly. Goodbyes are possibly the worst thing we could exchange right now. Because goodbye hits you harder than a train, especially if you care for the person. My heart beats erratically in my chest as I make two strides up to her, wanting to feel her warmth one more time.
I put my arms around her small figure and hold her, pulling her close to me. Reveling in the feeling of her warmth, and her heartbeat against my chest. I breathe in her scent, something soothing like almonds and vanilla. She's tense against me, her shoulders shaking. If she doesn't want to hug me back, thats fine. I just wanted to be selfish and have this feeling one last time. Pulling away too soon I mumble an apology to her before turning and walking away. Walking away from the one person that made me want to fix myself. For her.