Jude toyed with the phone in his hands, turning it over and over. It was nearly thirty hours after saying 'I love you' and he hadn't heard from Connor at all. He wished that he were surprised. He wished that Connor would reach out to him first and that they would be better than before, because Connor understood how love could be good and beautiful. Jude knew it wasn't that easy. He bowed his head, the coffee maker running loudly next to his ear. But he and Connor had come so far since September.
His feelings churned inside him. Jude wasn't even sure if he could stomach the acidic coffee, but he knew he'd develop an even bigger headache if he didn't. Jude slowly mixed his coffee and he wanted Connor here next to him. He wanted for them to make breakfast and coffee together, for each other. He unlocked his phone and almost called Taylor, but then he locked it again. He didn't want to talk to anyone about it. Usually, Jude appreciated Taylor's in-your-face, go-hard-or-go-home attitude and support about things, but there was something inside of him that was just aching so badly and he knew that Taylor wouldn't really get it. He didn't really feel like anyone would get it because even Jude didn't fully understand it yet.
Jude had left Connor alone long enough. They'd agreed to talk today. He unlocked his phone again.
Jude: hey
Connor: hi
Jude: Can we talk?
Connor: Are you going to call?
Jude: I was hoping for face to face
Connor: I'm not comfortable coming over.
Jude: That's okay. Somewhere on campus? You can pick?
Connor: Okay. When would you like to come?
Jude: An hour? I can pick up lunch. We can eat and talk.
Connor: Okay.
Jude: Do you want anything in particular?
Connor: You pick.
Connor: I found a study room. I'll meet you in front of the library if that's okay with you.
Jude: That sounds great. I'll get burgers and fries from the place we like, okay? See you soon.
Connor: Okay. See you soon.
Jude sighed and lifted his coffee mug to his lips. An hour was both too much and too little time, and Jude just wasn't sure what to do. He just wanted to get it right. But he just didn't know what to do. He hated the thought of going into it and hoping for the best, but he was stuck. Everything he said was completely dependent on what Connor was about to say. There was only one thing that Jude was sure of and that was that he was not going to back down on the fact that he really was in love with Connor. He wasn't going to deny it. He wasn't going to pretend that he didn't say it or didn't mean it. To do so would simply break his heart.
He might get his heart broken anyway.
(-.-)
Connor stood up from the library steps, his knees shaking so badly he gripped the railing so he wouldn't fall back over. Jude walked slowly toward him.
"Hi, Connor."
"Hey, Jude," he said, and he sounded out of breath, even to his own ears.
"I brought food," Jude said, hefting the takeout box.
"Um. R-r-r-oom, um, room six."
Jude nodded. Together, they walked up the steps, Connor being careful about keeping Jude directly in his line of sight. He hated being distrustful of Jude, but Jude had proven himself to be unpredictable now. Love meant crazy people doing crazy things. It was horrifying. He hated being horrified of Jude and he wrapped his arms around himself to keep his feelings on the inside.
Connor swiped his student card and let them in.
"Door open or closed?" Jude asked.
"Open, a little, please," Connor whispered. Closed enough that their conversation couldn't be heard, but that someone would know if he screamed. Connor sat down, keeping his legs tucked under his chair.
Jude sat opposite of him and unpacked the food. Connor felt the impulse to start talking, but he held it in. Talking could only get him in even more trouble. Jude needed to say something first; that way, Connor could figure out the best way to respond. Even if the silence was so oppressing that it hurt. Jude slid the box containing Connor's burger over to him and Connor rested a hand atop the white container.
"Thank you," he said, the lump in his throat aching. He couldn't appear to be ungrateful.
"You're welcome," Jude said. "Do you want to talk and eat or talk then eat?"
"Whatever you would prefer," Connor answered.
"You're allowed to tell me what you want."
"No, I don't think I am," Connor said slowly. It sounded like a trick.
Jude bit the end off his fry and Connor watched his mouth move. In the past few months, he had come to like kissing Jude. In September, Connor hadn't even been able to properly sit next to him. It was alarming to him, now, looking back and seeing how quickly they had gone. Connor hadn't even realized it. It wasn't as quickly as he had moved with his ex and maybe that was why Connor hadn't seen it happening until it was too late.
"Can I ask you something?" Jude said.
"Yes."
"Are you scared of me?"
Connor bit his lip. "Um. Yes."
"But you weren't scared of me before I told you I loved you?"
"No."
Jude closed his eyes and sighed. Connor leant back in his chair. His ex had done that – a low, soft sigh that sounded more innocent than it was and then, in a dark, patronizing voice would explain to Connor why he felt the way he did, and then Connor would end up being hit. He knew the routine. By the end of it, he would just obediently sit and wait for the explaining to be over. He'd stopped trying to get himself out of it or let his side be known. He'd stopped trying to hide or trying to get away. By the end, he'd done all but ask for it.
"Love isn't bad," Jude said.
"It is," Connor replied. "It makes people insane. It makes … I'm never going back to that place, Jude. I'm never going to … Please, don't make me."
"I'm not going to make you do anything, Connor. What I'd like is for you to let me show you that love isn't bad. Love doesn't equal what you had with your ex."
"I loved him back," Connor said. "So, I let him. It made me weak."
"You aren't weak," Jude said immediately.
Connor knew he was wrong, but he knew he couldn't say so. He picked up one of his French fries again, but he just ended up twisting it between his fingers.
"I'm not trying to tell you what you had with your ex. You're the only person that you can know whether or not you really did love him; if he loved you, that's something that he'll know. Maybe you can understand his side of things better than I can. But that's not the only kind of love there is, Connor. And, just hearing you talk about your ex, I know that I love you in a different way. My way. I think you'd like it. If you gave me the chance."
"I-I-I can't, um, d-d-do that. The chance. I, um, I can't take it."
Jude hung his head; Connor hated to see him look so sad. It was Connor's fault and Connor could fix it, and that tore at him. He could fix it. He could make Jude smile; he could make Jude happy again. But he had come just far enough that he knew he had to be strong and not give into that. He knew, now, that it wasn't selfish to take care of himself. And he couldn't just lie down and let what had happened with his ex happen to him again. He didn't want to believe Jude was capable of it, but he hadn't wanted to believe his ex was capable of it either.
"Do you want to break up with me?" Jude asked, and Connor was surprised he had done so that bluntly.
Connor's mouth gaped like a fish for a moment.
"You can tell me the truth, baby," Jude said, his voice so full of raw emotion that it wounded Connor. But there was sweetness to him as well, and that was what really made Connor feel broken. Any other man would want exactly what Jude was offering. For some, what Jude could give was only a dream. Connor knew something was wrong with him, but it was so perfectly illustrated in the moment that he didn't reach for Jude, because he couldn't stop thinking what if. What if Jude ended up hurting him? What if he ended up in the same spot he had been with when it came to his ex? It wasn't fair.
Connor didn't know how to be fair, to himself or to Jude.
"Do you want to break up with me?" Jude repeated, and he sounded so hurt.
The last thing that Connor wanted to do was hurt him, but Connor knew enough by now to know that anything less than the absolute truth with Jude would hurt him. "I-I-I don't, um, know."
"Can you explain that to me?"
"I can try," Connor said. "Is that enough?"
"That's more than enough."
Connor nodded and took a deep breath. He didn't want to tremble and shake his way through this. "Um. I still like you but I don't feel like I can trust you anymore. That … Um. The word 'love' is like a trigger, I guess. Is that the right word? But it just fills me with fear and expectations of the worst. Does that make sense?"
Jude nodded. "I think I underestimated how much it would affect you to say it."
"Thanks for saying that," Connor said. "I, um, th-think I have a question."
"Anything."
"Do you think you meant it?" Connor whispered. "It's okay if you didn't. You can take it back. We can go back to the way it was."
"No, I know I meant it," Jude said. "But that doesn't mean things are going to be different. That's what you're afraid of, but being in love with you isn't going to change me into someone you don't know at all. I'm still me. I'm going to treat you the same way that I have been. I'm asking you for the opportunity to show that it's going to just as great as it has been. I am here for you, you're here for me. Nothing has to change, Connor."
Connor looked down at the table top, feeling tears well up in his eyes but he didn't know why. He didn't know anything.
"I know you've taken a lot of chances on me. I know you've come out of your comfort zone a lot. I know that being in this relationship isn't always easy for you."
"It's not always easy for you, either."
"No, but it's easier," Jude said. "I don't want to push you, but this isn't something that I'll be able to play halfway with."
"What's that mean?"
"It means 'I love you' and I'm not going to stop saying it. I'm not going to be able to hide it. I'm not going to be able to not say it. And if that's something that you really can't do, then …"
Jude wasn't able to finish his sentence, but Connor knew. "Then you're going to break up with me."
"That's the last thing I want."
Connor could feel that; it was an active, pulsing thing that he could feel in his chest. He didn't really want to break up with Jude either. "I just can't picture what being with you is going to be like anymore. I know that I'm not going to be able to just relax and let things just carry on the way that they have been. I feel like I'm going to be waiting for you to snap. I don't think that's fair to either of us."
"You're right."
"So, what?" Connor asked.
Jude laid his hand across the table, his palm facing toward the ceiling. Connor stared at it for a moment, and then he placed his fingers atop Jude's. Jude didn't grab onto him; he didn't squeeze him. Their hands just rested atop one another.
"It's almost too much for how long we've known each other," Connor said.
"I know," Jude said. "But we'll get the hard stuff out of the way now so we can just be happy later."
"If you really can be happy with someone like me."
"I really can," Jude said. "Because I really have been in these past few months with you."
"I want to be with you," Connor said. "I just don't know if I can anymore."
"So, if you're biggest problem is that you don't think I'll still be me, then let me prove it to you."
"You have already spent the last few months proving yourself."
"Because you're worth it. That's what you mean to me. I want you to be just as comfortable standing in front of me as I am in front of you. I don't spend every minute feeling like you're demanding something or anything like that. I know I don't have to, but I honestly want to, Connor. Because I love you."
"I really don't know if I can get used to that."
"It's not something I want you to just get used to, but that might come with time."
"If it doesn't?"
"We'll see when we get there," Jude said. His thumb brushed along the side of Connor's hand. "What do you think? Just go on a first date with me again. Please?"
"Is it really a first date?"
"First date, remix."
Connor half-laughed. "Um. I can't convince you not to say it?"
"No."
"Can I convince you to not go overboard with it?"
Jude rested his head on his free hand, smiling at him. "What's 'overboard' to you?"
"No more than once a day."
"That's not even close to overboard!" Jude said, but he was smiling and teasing as he rolled his eyes.
He sounded like the Jude that Connor had been able to get to know and Connor wanted to trust it. People could wear masks; people could be more than one thing. Still, Connor found himself squeezing Jude's hand gently and holding on. Jude was right; Connor had taken a lot of chances on this relationship. What was one more? He wasn't the scared, vulnerable kid that he had been when he had met his ex. If the Jude he knew turned out not to be who Jude truly was, Connor knew that he could call his father. He could find a way to save himself from a monster. He had never sensed a monster in Jude, but he had been naïve before.
"Also, I can't believe we're negotiating this."
Connor shrugged. "Humour me?"
"Always, baby. So, more than once."
"Twice."
"Three time's the charm."
"But, no more."
"And if I fail, I'll buy you coffee to make up for it." Jude smiled at him and picked up his hand, kissing his knuckles. "Are we okay?"
"Um. I think so. C-c-can we, um, go back to going slow again? Um. I j-j-ust want to … to be sure that things aren't going t-t-to change."
"That sounds good to me," Jude said. "Honestly. I can see the doubt on your face but it doesn't need to be there, baby. Really."
"I just need to see it."
"I'll show you," Jude said. "It'll be great."
"The confidence is nice," Connor said. "I wish I could feel that."
"Maybe that'll come with time too." Jude kissed his fingers again. "I love you."
Connor looked down at the table again. He was never going to get used to that. But he had to try. He didn't want to lose what he had with Jude. It meant a lot to him. Jude meant a lot to him. And even though he didn't have it, he wanted to have complete and utter faith in Jude. Relationships were compromise. If Jude felt like he had to say that and had to let his feelings known, then Connor couldn't fault him for that. He understood that.
"I feel like I should say something back to that."
"You can say whatever you want, so long as you mean it."
"I'm glad we can talk like this."
"Me too," Jude said. "Do you want to go get ice-cream after dinner?"
"We haven't really been eating," Connor said.
"So, just skip to ice-cream? We can go for a little drive?"
"Yeah," Connor agreed. "I'd like to do that."
"Then let's go."
Jude went to stand and Connor kept holding tightly to his hand.
"What is it, baby?"
"I just don't want to let go," Connor whispered.
"You don't have to," Jude said. "Come on. One hand challenge."
Connor smiled slowly and held tightly onto Jude as they gathered the remains of their dinner and walked out, still linked. He tried not to feel hope. It had been one day; he was moving too fast. Just like Jude had.
"Jude, how are we going to get into the car one-handed?"
Jude laughed. "I guess we'll figure out when we get there."
Just like they did with everything else.
But that didn't bother Connor as much as it should have.
The chapter's title is after the song Heavy Heart by Gabrielle Aplin. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~