"Hi, Jude," Connor said into his phone.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm reading the poetry blog again. Listen to this quote, from Salvador Plascencia: I don't know what they are called, the spaces between seconds – but I think of you always in those intervals."
"That's sweet."
"It reminded me of you," Connor said carefully. He didn't want Jude to get too many wrong ideas.
"Then it's even sweeter. I'm just leaving for work but I wanted to see if you wanted to hang out when I was done. Maybe do that date remix? Classes start again tomorrow and I just kind of wanted to see you before that happened."
"Oh." Connor spun to the side in his desk chair and then re-centred on his desk.
"What's an 'oh'?"
"I just am kind of liking being by myself right now."
"And that's fine too," Jude said and, even though Connor was listening for it, he didn't hear anger. "I was just calling to see if you wanted to. I'm working for five hours so I can call you after, maybe see if things have changed."
"I'd like that," Connor said. "Talking is nice, anyway."
"It is," Jude agreed. "I'll talk to you later, okay, baby?"
"Okay."
"I love you."
"One."
"I can count to three," Jude teased. "Bye."
"Bye."
Connor put his phone down on his desk, feeling restless. He couldn't go back to casually going through the blog, writing down things he liked in his journal. He thought it should have some nice quotes in it, after being filled with page after page of his own whining and confusing angst. He stood from his desk chair and opened his window, looking out over campus. People were dragging suitcases this way and that, trying to make their break last as long as possible.
Connor toyed with his mother's wedding rings. She would know what to tell him about Jude. She'd know how to navigate the situation he was in. If she had lived, Connor might have complete faith in love. He might have fallen in love with Jude before Jude fell in love with him. But he would never know and her jewellery – as meaningful as it was – would never have the answers that he wanted. Connor let the cool breeze sweep over him and he turned away from the window.
In order to distract himself, he spent the majority of his afternoon baking. By the time Jude called again, he had about sixty mini cupcakes sitting in front of him, waiting to be frosted. Connor crossed one arm over his chest and stared down at them.
"How was your shift?" he asked Jude.
"Steady," Jude said. "Never overwhelmed but I never felt like I could totally catch my breath. What have you been doing?"
"Baking. Chocolate and vanilla cupcakes," Connor said. He felt a war break out inside of himself. The part that wanted to trust Jude and believe that things were okay with them and the part of him that heard I love you and started cowering in the corner, waiting. "D-d-d-do, um … W-w-would … I … Um, yes."
"Yes what?" Jude asked, and Connor could tell he was a little amused sounding.
Connor didn't want Jude to be laughing at him, but he also knew he was feeling slightly paranoid. He was not leaving his room. But he did kind of want Jude to be with him. It had taken him a lot to let Jude into his dorm room in the first place and he didn't know whether or not it was a good idea to try again. But, then again, Connor wasn't sure he was known for making good decisions.
"Yes, I would like you to come over," Connor whispered. "If, um, you'll help me eat some cupcakes. I kn-kn-know it's not, um, much of a date, but … I would really like it. Please?"
Connor held his breath and began to rummage around in his cupboards for frosting. Or something to make frosting with.
"Sure, I can even bring coffee if you think it'll taste good with the cupcakes."
"That would be nice. Thank you." Connor opened his last cupboard but there was nothing inside but his flour. "Oh!"
"Oh, what?"
"I don't have frosting for the cupcakes, I'm sorry."
"I'll grab some of that too," Jude said. "No big deal."
"Are you sure?"
"Not a problem, baby. I'll see you soon, okay?"
"See you soon," Connor said.
"I love you."
"Two," Connor said.
"I can count!" Jude insisted. "Bye."
"Bye."
Connor hung up the phone and stared down at the cupcakes. He sighed and turned around, tucking his desk away so that he and Jude would have a place to sit. He found himself feeling jittery and he told himself, again, that he shouldn't. It was Jude. He and Dr. Scott had talked about it. He wanted to trust her when they talked about how Jude wasn't going to turn into a different person because of 'love'. He wanted to trust Jude when he said the same thing. Above all, he should be able to trust Jude at this point. Jude had done nothing but prove that he was worth that. Connor ran a hand through his shaggy hair.
It shouldn't be this hard. He should just be able to let go and let Jude love him. Maybe even love him back. Goosebumps rose on Connor's skin at the thought and he rubbed his arm.
His phone buzzed with a text from Jude, which wasn't a helpful distraction. His mind was always full of Jude. But he almost liked the way that he thought of Jude, most of the time.
Jude: Someone let me in the building. Be up in a sec.
Connor had no sooner finished reading the text when a knock came on his door. He didn't know if he'd ever had someone knock on his door and the sound nearly made him jump. Paranoid. He was too paranoid.
He opened the door and Jude held out a coffee cup for him.
"Thanks," Connor said, taking it.
"You're welcome. It smells good in here."
Connor closed his door behind Jude, flicking the lock. Jude placed the bag he was holding onto the seat of Connor's desk chair and sat on the edge of Connor's bed, kicking off his shoes.
"Do you mind if I flop?" Jude asked. "I'm tired."
"I don't mind," Connor said.
Jude stretched along Connor's bed, his head on Connor's pillow. Connor hovered next to him for a moment, watching Jude casually tuck his hands behind his head. Connor brushed his fingers along Jude's fringe of hair and Jude smiled.
"I bought, like, three different kinds of frosting," Jude said. "I was indecisive and there was a sale. I figured we could just eat the rest out of the jar with a spoon."
Connor laughed, feeling much more relaxed. He nudged Jude's feet out of the way and sat on the end of his bed, sipping at his coffee. He settled against the wall and Jude draped his feet over Connor's lap. Connor rubbed Jude's shin.
"You're quiet."
"One of those days," Connor said.
He pulled Jude's feet into his lap and slowly started massaging the bottom of one of them. Jude's toes curled and he made a small sound. Connor froze.
"Sorry. I thought you might like it."
"I do," Jude said, and he pushed himself up on his elbows. "Is this like the back massage, though? Do you feel like you have to do this? Is this a habit too?"
"No." Connor still couldn't believe that he had done that. It was just like someone had pulled a trigger inside of him, seeing a man in that position while he had been organizing the bed. It had just felt like the next logical step. "I just wanted to. I know you usually complain about your feet after work."
"Thank you, baby. That's sweet." Jude fell back on the bed. "I owe you."
"I thought the point was that we didn't owe each other for things."
Jude chuckled. "I guess there's that too. How much of a massage would you let me give?" Jude asked curiously.
"I'd let you touch my feet," Connor said, switching to Jude's other foot.
"Not even an ankle? How Victorian of you."
It was Connor's turned to laugh.
"You know," Jude mused, "you're a little more relaxed than I thought you'd be."
"I think I'm actively trying not to feel it," Connor said. "For the moment, at least."
"Uh oh."
"One of those things," Connor said. "Dr. Scott said maybe I should try to process things more and understand it more from the inside before trying to explain it and put it on the outside. I, um, can't tell you about things I don't know, right?"
"Dr. Scott sounds like a smart woman," Jude said.
Connor finished with Jude's feet and smoothed his jeans back out.
"You going to come lay with me, baby?"
"No," Connor said. "I don't think I can do that while we're in a bed."
"That has to change?" Jude asked.
"I don't know what has to change," Connor said, "but I know that's a line that I don't want to cross quite yet."
"That's fair." Jude popped back up on his elbows. "Am I allowed to kiss you?"
"This is supposed to be a date," Connor reasoned. "But, um, only if you sit up with me."
"Fair trade," Jude decided.
He held out his hands and Connor grabbed them, pulling him up. Jude left his legs sitting heavily on Connor's lap. Though Connor placed his hand on Jude's knee, he made no move to shove Jude's legs away, even though he wondered if he should. He felt a tremble run through him, but it could be excitement more than fear. Jude's eyes were dark as he grinned at Connor.
"I love your eyes."
"Three."
"No, no, that one doesn't count," Jude said, shaking his head. "That was about your eyes and you've always let me talk about your eyes."
Connor hummed and sighed. "Okay … Two and a half."
Jude laughed and he wrapped his arms around Connor in a hug. "You're wonderful, baby."
"Jude?"
"Yeah?"
"Will you tell me what 'love' means to you?"
"Love is being completely comfortable with someone. It's making each other laugh and always listening to what they have to say. Being the best version of yourself that you can be because that's what they deserve. It's faith and trust –"
"Please don't say pixie dust."
"If you bring glitter into my apartment, you might actually see me mad."
"I don't like glitter either," Connor said. "I wouldn't. And, um, I never want to make you mad."
"Love is being able to feel everything and everything in front of your person and not being scared of the consequences. Even if I saw you angry, I wouldn't be scared of you. I hope you're never scared of me."
"Not in the way I think you're talking about. You're unpredictable, Jude. Sometimes I don't like it."
"And other times?"
"We have romantic picnics on the beach with an orchestra in the background and it feels like a movie scene. Or like I'm living a scene from someone else's life. But, look at the date we've ended up on when I said it, compared to when you said it. I don't deserve the things you give, Jude."
"Connor, yes, you do," Jude said. "I don't know how else to tell you that, but you do. I want what we have, even with the small arguments and problems we work through."
Connor tilted his head to the side and lightly brushed his lips against Jude's. "Thank you for everything you say. It all means a lot to me."
Jude kissed his cheek. "Let's get the icing!"
They sat on the bed, legs crossed under them and frosting cupcakes. It was nice. It was simple. It was all that Connor wanted and needed his time with Jude to be.
"You excited for classes to start?" Jude asked.
"I'm not excited for new things. Will we get to have lunch on some days? When are you on campus?"
"Only Tuesdays and Thursdays," Jude said. "They're long, busy days, but I'm only going to be on campus then."
"Oh. So, I'm going to see you less?"
"Do you want to see me more?"
"I like the time that I have with you," Connor said carefully. "I like how it is. I wouldn't want that to change too much."
"Only if it gets better."
"You've said that before," Connor said.
"Do you think that makes it more true?"
"No. But I like that you're so consistent. It makes you more believable."
"I promise I'm believable. Also, I'm cute." Jude grinned up at him.
"Yeah, that I believe completely," Connor said. "When can I see you again?"
"Whenever you want. As long as it's not before four on Thursday, two to ten on Friday, some weird time on Saturday, and … No. I'm off on Sunday. Why? When did you want to see me again?"
"Well, I was thinking tomorrow is going to be hard. I was kind of hoping to use your kitchen."
"You don't need me there for that," Jude joked.
"I'd prefer it."
"My last class lets out at five. Want me to drive you over?"
"No. I think I'd rather bike. I'll meet you at your house around six?"
"Okay, sure. Whatever makes you happiest."
"You," Connor said, without thinking about it. His cheeks turned bright red and he buried his head in his hands.
"Aww, why are you hiding? That was great! I loved it!"
"Because it just slipped out! I feel like if I say something like that I should think about it a little more."
"Impulsivity never hurt anyone."
"Is that a word?" Connor asked, though he knew better.
"Don't distract from the point, baby." And Jude apparently knew better too.
"Impulsivity can definitely hurt."
"Not when it's sweet like that," Jude said. "I like when you say things like that."
Connor didn't know what to say. He wanted to say things that Jude would like but he couldn't help how awkward he felt when he said things, especially now that he was trying not to encourage Jude in his feelings. Connor didn't want Jude to be in love but he knew he couldn't run away from Jude and Jude's feelings. He had to stop reacting to things the wrong way.
"What do you think you're going to make tomorrow?" Jude asked, and Connor was grateful for the change in subject.
"A pie, maybe. Something fun to make but will take time and thought. Do you like apple pie?"
"Who doesn't like apple pie?" Jude said.
"I'll make that, then," Connor decided.
Jude tucked himself in Connor's arms and held on tightly to him.
"Jude, do you think when you're in love, you're always happy?"
"No," Jude said. "But I think that's the important part. Even when you're not happy, it's still worth it."
Connor had to admit, "I like the way you see things."
He just wished it were real and that he were capable of seeing the way that Jude did.
"You are nice to look at," Jude agreed idly.
The blush that never faded from Connor's cheeks deepened again. Jude laughed at Connor's expression. He pressed his lips against Connor's cheek, as if that would help anything at all. The affection only deepened his blush and sent a flurry of feeling through him. Connor tilted his head and Jude met his lips softly. It was exactly what he needed to make him feel settled. He wanted Jude's mouth against his, Jude's hand tightly clenching his own. He felt Jude's eyelashes brush his cheek as Jude closed his eyes and he wondered when he had gotten so comfortable with having Jude here. He wondered why it was so easy when the world love was still sitting in his stomach like a concrete block. But it was Jude, his arms looped around Connor's waist, just like it had been for the past few months.
"Jude," Connor said when Jude looked up at him, "what do you do when love hurts?"
"Hurts how?" Jude asked. "Everything hurts sometimes. Love wouldn't hurt intentionally and wouldn't make excuses when it did hurt."
It was like Jude knew just the right things to say; it was as if he had been given all of the proper lines. His ex had been like that. Except his ex had slipped up time to time – he had forgotten what he was supposed to say and had to improvise to cover his mistakes. Jude had never done that. Perhaps because Jude wasn't a performance artist. Jude was just a genuine man.
That was a hard pill to swallow, perhaps not because of the things that it said about Jude, but because of the things that it said about his ex boyfriend.
Connor squeezed Jude's hand.
"Something wrong?" Jude asked.
"No. Just feeling mixed up. Will you just sit with me for a while?"
"Nothing would make me happier," Jude said.
He put his head back down against Connor's shoulder and Connor reached up to play with Jude's hair. Calmly sitting in the quiet was all he thought he could really do today. But he was so glad Jude was with him for it and so glad that he was able to be with someone who would be there for it. It had to mean something.
Connor just wasn't sure what yet.
(-.-)
Jude kicked his leg under his stool, watching Connor roll pie dough.
"You sure you don't want help, baby?"
"I'm sure. It defeats the purpose, actually."
Jude put his head on his hand, watching Connor's hands move. In the days since Jude had confessed his feelings, he had felt Connor pull himself away and then, moments later, give too much of himself. Jude hated watching Connor's turmoil. He wanted it to end because he wanted Connor to look at him with his gorgeous hazel eyes and tell Jude it was okay, he loved Jude too. He knew he had to stop wanting it, but it was so hard to. Jude knew he wasn't free from conflicts himself.
Jude spun his phone on the counter in front of him. "Ready to talk about classes yet?"
"No," Connor said flatly. "Today was long."
Jude agreed.
Connor started smoothing the pie crust along the bottom of the pan. "If you wanted to talk, though, I would listen."
Jude thought about it. "It was just boring, intro stuff. I guess it's really not that interesting to talk about. I – Oh, hold on a sec, baby."
His phone had started to ring. He quickly answered.
"Hey, Callie."
"Hi, Jude. How was class today?"
"Long. How was photographing?"
"Long. But, I'm being sent to your university Monday and Tuesday," Callie said. "You free?"
"Always, for you," Jude said. "If only to avoid you dragging me out of work by my ear."
"I like seeing you," Callie said defensively. "You could have gone to school closer."
"I'm barely an hour away! With traffic!" Jude said, though he laughed. "Why are they sending you here, anyway?"
He looked up as Connor turned his head, interested, and then looked away again.
"One of the sports teams is doing really well," Callie said. "They want me to come take some pictures for an article we're doing."
"What team?"
"Basketball."
"Oh, I like basketball," Jude commented, and he saw Connor turn to stare at him again.
"Since when do you care about sports?" Callie snorted.
"I don't," Jude said. "I just like to look at some of the players."
Connor's eyes widened and he made part of a face, before ducking his head and hiding his expression from Jude. Jude was amused. Connor's jealous side was something that he'd never get tired of seeing. It was tangible proof of the affection that Connor had such a hard time voicing.
"Oh, whatever, Jude," Callie said. "I'm not taking you to the photoshoot."
"What good are you as a sister?"
"See you Monday," Callie said.
"See you Monday," Jude echoed. He hung up his phone and watched Connor carefully put the top pie crust on before sliding it in the oven. Jude waited until the timer was set to say, "Something on your mind, baby?"
"No," Connor answered.
"Nothing at all?" Jude said.
"You're just mocking me now," Connor said.
"Does it bother you that I think the basketball team is cute?" Jude asked.
Connor leant on the opposite side of the counter. "No."
"No?" Was Connor actually going to try and lie to him?
"Of course there are people you are going to find attractive … More attractive. I understand that. It bothers me to hear it," Connor said. He shook his head and then said in a lower voice, "I am selfish. I like to pretend that it's just me."
Jude crooked a finger at Connor. Connor swiftly left the kitchen to stand in front of Jude, peering up at Jude from under his thick eyelashes.
"You're the most attractive man I've ever seen," Jude said, though he could see it in Connor's eyes that he didn't believe him. "You are! So attractive I couldn't even speak to you the first time I saw you."
"I know this is only about looks –"
"And the more I feel for you, the hotter you get."
"Jude –"
"Really!" Jude insisted. "If I touched you now, I think you'd burn me."
"You're too much," Connor said, but a small smile settled over his face anyway.
"I love you," Jude said.
"Two."
"That was very romantic, baby, thank you."
Jude took Connor's hand but, instead of lacing their fingers together, Connor lifted Jude's hand up to this eye-level, twisting it back and forth. "I don't see any burning, Jude."
Jude laughed and then tugged Connor close for a kiss. Connor let their lips brush together for just a moment and then he wiggled free of Jude's grip. Jude wanted to reach out, grab tightly onto him, and kiss him until he had a leg wrapped around Connor's hips, their bodies close together, his hands sliding under Connor's shirt. He didn't, though, and he let Connor flit back into the kitchen to start washing dishes.
"Would you like help with the dishes?"
"No, thank you," Connor said. "I like this part too."
Jude slid back onto his stool. "Whatever you say, baby."
"Will you play some music?"
"Sure," Jude said, and he searched through his phone, looking for something fun.
He wondered if he could get Connor to sing, perhaps even dance. Jude doubted it. Connor was far from that kind of mood, but he let the music play, leaning on his arm and watching his boyfriend, just in case. There was no dancing, but Connor did keep glancing at him, a smile on his face each time, and that image was worth more than anything else.
The chapter's title is after the song Crash And Burn by Lifehouse. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~