Connor adjusted the curtain on Jude's door window, looking out at the dark night. It was still and quiet but looking at it made him feel paranoid. He closed the curtain completely as if that would help protect him from the outside world somehow. He turned around and Jude was in the kitchen, finishing packing the dirty dinner dishes into the dishwasher. Connor shuffled to the couch; Jude didn't need help. He didn't want it. He'd said so. Connor made himself sit in his usual spot and he stared down at his pyjama pants. He was supposed to spend the night with Jude and he knew what his boyfriend expected. He expected they would sleep in the bed together, just as they had been, but Connor didn't know if he could do that. That too had changed with Jude's confession. And Connor wasn't sure how much Jude would like or accept that part.
"Want a drink or anything?" Jude called.
"No, but would you mind bringing my bag over?"
"Journal time?" Jude asked.
"Yeah." It pleased Connor that Jude knew that. It felt nice to have parts of their relationship be about him. When it came to being with his ex, it had been all about his ex.
Jude put Connor's bag on the couch next to him. "Can I ask what you're going to write about this time?"
"You, probably," Connor said honestly. "I write a lot about you."
"Good things, I hope."
"I could hardly write anything bad about you."
"You don't seem to think highly of how quickly I fall in love."
"No," Connor agreed, pulling his journal and pen out of the bag, "but I'd call it a minor flaw, everything else considered."
"Aww, aren't you sweet?"
Connor could tell he was being sarcastic, but decided to not say anything. He settled his book on the arm of the chair and flipped to the page he'd left off at. He lowered his pen to paper and as he tried to get out a few lines, at the very least, about his day, Jude put his head in Connor's lap. Connor froze for a moment, watching his head. Jude wasn't up to anything bad, though. He was just channel surfing. Connor felt bad for his thoughts. Nothing with Jude had changed. Nothing but him. Jude had been in love with him for months and he hadn't noticed. Connor turned back to his journal and wrote about the logic of it all and then he tried to write down his feelings. He still felt a confused, jumbled mess when he thought about Jude's feelings. He just wanted to figure out where he stood. If he hated it enough to leave or if he trusted Jude enough to see if Jude's love was different from his ex's love. Connor stared at that last thought for a long time and then he looked down at Jude's head.
Jude was already different. Jude had already made him different. Connor closed his book. His decision had already been made, hadn't it? Jude turned his head to look up at Connor and that was when Connor slid his hands under Jude's shoulder, pulling him up. Jude followed Connor's hands until his legs were resting in Connor's lap, his head against Connor's shoulder.
"What's up, baby?" Jude asked, his breath tickling Connor's neck.
Connor tightened his arms around Jude. "I'm sorry."
"You haven't done anything wrong."
"I guess I just feel bad about how back and forth I've been. I don't think it's fair to do this to you."
"I think, in hindsight, that it was unfair of me to spring my feelings on you the way I did. We don't get everything right," Jude said. "And I don't think the way you've been treating me is unfair. You've been through some stuff, Connor, and you have to deal with your past and your present. It's hard to balance, isn't it?"
Connor nodded and then slowly said, "I think I am starting to realize that I would like to be the person you need. The person that could love you back and be with you like a normal boyfriend would."
"Who defines normal anyway?"
"What's normal for the spider is chaos for the fly," Connor quoted. "That was on the poetry blog."
"So, what you're saying is we are normal for us," Jude said. "It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. That's definitely not something that you should feel bad for."
"I feel bad in general, I think."
"Don't," Jude murmured. "You don't have to. You're acting the best you can. I knew that things would change when I said it. I underestimated how much. I just hope you realize that it's a good thing, even if you never think it's as good a thing as I think it is. It's okay, baby."
Connor reverently touched Jude. There was no way that someone like Jude would choose to be around someone like him. "I don't deserve you."
"Yes, you do!" Jude insisted passionately, sitting up straighter. "Connor, you're such a good, thoughtful person. You deserve someone who cares about you and wants to take care of you. I want you to believe that so badly."
Connor's heart hurt. He wanted Jude to be different so badly. He didn't know what he would do if he were proven wrong and if Jude ended up like his ex after all. But Connor couldn't even fathom that thought. Connor leant his head toward Jude and Jude kissed him softly.
"Tell me you'll try to believe me," Jude begged.
"I'll try," Connor whispered. "Please don't be mad when I fail."
"I'd never be mad at you for that," Jude said.
Connor held Jude tightly to him. When had he ever felt this peaceful with his ex? When had his ex ever supported him like Jude did? Connor glanced at his journal. Objectively, it was so obvious that Jude was better. He was younger, poorer, far less successful than Connor's ex had been, but what did that matter when Jude was so much more compassionate, kind, and forgiving? Yet, it felt wrong to Connor to compare the two. Connor still felt as if it were a slight or a betrayal against his ex. He had heard so many times that his ex was the one for him, he had believed it for too long, and the strength of his ex's memory still surprised him sometimes.
"Jude, falling in love isn't a decision." Connor took a breath and added a shaky, "right?"
"Right," Jude said. "Not that I'd choose to fall in love with anyone else."
Hearing him say it still made Connor's stomach clench. "That wasn't what I meant."
"Then, what did you mean?" Jude asked. "You have to tell me things, baby. You stay inside your head a lot."
Connor reached a hand up, playing with Jude's hair. Jude relaxed into his hand, looking content, even with the conversation subject. "I'm confused, again. Between then and now. I've been talking to Dr. Scott about my feelings a lot. I think I might have loved him but I think that a lot of what I felt for him was something like necessity. I just didn't know how to be without him. Or it was obsession. I know it wasn't healthy love. Or the right kind of love. I never had a choice with him. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, it looked like I did, but I really didn't. I want to have a choice. I felt like I did with you, sometimes, at least. I feel like when you, um, said that, you took my choices away again. Love just always ends badly. There's nothing good associated with it in my head."
"What about your mom?" Jude whispered.
"I, um, some good, but still bad. There's still grief and pain and the hurt that she's gone now." Connor shook his head. "I don't want to talk about her, right now."
"Sure," Jude agreed.
"I wish that was different and that I was." Connor rested his head on top of Jude's. "You're the different thing in my life."
"I know," Jude said. "I think you've said something like that before."
"Probably." His thoughts turned over in his head, tumbling around, but never leaving or resolving themselves. "I guess I just … if I could choose it, love, I mean. Um, if I could choose to love someone, I can't imagine choosing anyone but you."
Connor went to look at Jude's expression, but he never got a chance to. Jude surrounded him in a tight hug and an endless kiss. Connor closed his eyes, his fingers sliding through the short strands of Jude's hair. Jude's legs slid against Connor's lap and Connor's other hand held tight to Jude's side. Something filled Connor, something strange and warm that flooded through his veins. He wasn't sure he'd ever felt it so encompassing, though he'd felt something similar before, with Jude, when they were close and borderline breathless and kissing like this. Jude reached up one hand, grabbing Connor's and holding tightly to him. His legs moved across Connor's lap again, and it wasn't until Jude had moved that Connor realized Jude was now straddling his thighs.
Jude leant away from Connor, looking down at him. "Is this okay?"
Connor trailed his hand from Jude's hair, down the side of his cheek, to his shoulder, down his chest. He veered diagonally to go down Jude's side and his hip, then he placed his hand flat against the top of Jude's thigh. Was this okay? He was overwhelmed. He had emotional feelings and physical feelings and he wasn't completely sure he knew what he wanted from either. But he was starting to like the physical things with Jude. He was starting to see something like this as separate from what had happened with his ex. It was Jude. Just Jude.
Just Jude was wonderful.
"Don't hurt me," Connor begged.
"Never," Jude promised.
Connor almost believed him and he tilted his head, searching for another kiss from Jude. Their noses bumped and their teeth scraped slightly. Jude laughed in the middle of kissing him, but Connor didn't feel self-conscious about it at all. He kept one hand on Jude's slightly bony hip and Jude kept inching closer and closer into the fold of Connor's body, and Connor was finding it harder to keep from thinking about sex, even though he told himself just to think about how Jude's lips moved and how his chest heaved, touching Connor's. But the thoughts still strayed across his mind. How it would feel to pop the buttons on Jude's jeans and slide his shirt over his head.
He thought of the dream again, and that was when he put both hands on Jude's chest, pushing him away.
"Too much," Connor panted. "It's too much."
"Okay," Jude said, and then he was off of Connor's lap, sitting on the opposite side of the couch. Connor had his space back. "That's okay."
"Maybe we should go to bed," Connor said. "Today has felt long."
It had just been a Friday, but it was the first full week of classes. It had felt long. And Connor had been kept in suspense about meeting Alex, Jake's friend, but Alex had come down with strep throat, and Connor was going to have to stay anxious about that until Wednesday, at least.
"Okay, let's go. Do you want to build your pillow wall or put your PJs on first?"
"I was thinking I should sleep on the couch," Connor said, biting his lip and watching Jude's face. Jude looked disappointed.
"Oh, I guess I get that," Jude said. "Was it because of the kissing or did you always intend to?"
"I was thinking that I should," Connor admitted. "I think that I just need to realize that I can trust you all over again."
"I understand."
"You do?"
"Sure," Jude said. "I just hope that it takes a little less time to relearn it."
Connor blinked slowly. "It took a lot less time than I thought it would to learn to trust you in the first place. Sometimes I feel like I should hold everything back and then sometimes I feel like I should just let most things go."
"Most things," Jude murmured, but it was to himself. "You can trust me, baby."
"I believe that more than disbelieve it," Connor said. "That's mostly just because you keep letting me figure it out, even though I make a lot of mistakes."
"That's how worth it you are to me," Jude said, and the honesty made Connor feel uncomfortable.
"We should go to bed," Connor said.
"It's not like we're doing anything tomorrow," Jude said.
"You work."
"Not important." Jude waved his hand dismissively and a smile tugged at Connor's lips. "It's just a short shift."
"Six to eleven," Connor said. He remembered. "You get weird hours, you know?"
Jude shrugged. "I know. But that's the problem with a twenty-four-hour place and the hours people want to work. I try to be flexible, so I get to fill the weird spaces like that. I don't mind, as long as I get to keep the hours that I need."
"I'll wake up with you," Connor said.
"Thanks, baby. Are you going to stay or are you going to head home?"
"I … think I'd like to stay," Connor said. "I think."
"Okay. If you don't, will you stop by work and tell me?"
Connor nodded.
"One more kiss before bed?" Jude asked.
Connor nodded again and leant across the couch to softly press his lips against Jude's, and then they got ready for bed. Connor put the lamp on, not wanting to stay in the dark, and then he settled down on the couch, his head on a pillow that smelt of Jude. "Goodnight, baby. I love you."
Three trembled on the edge of Connor's lips. He pushed himself up on his elbows, looking at Jude who was peeking out from the curtains around his bed. Jude could count. Jude knew he was at three. "You mean a lot to me, Jude."
Jude's face seemed to light up with his brilliant smile. Connor felt his heart lift at Jude's expression. Seeing Jude happy just made him feel happy too.
"Goodnight, baby."
"Goodnight, Jude."
Connor laid down against the pillow again, pulling the blanket up around his shoulders. It was always slightly chilly in Jude's apartment, and Connor liked the feeling of being tucked in. He closed his eyes, realized he wasn't comfortable, and then flipped over on the couch. But that wasn't it at all. Connor turned again. He didn't like sleeping on his stomach and he didn't like sleeping with his back to the open room. But he just wasn't comfortable. He flipped the end he was lying on, thinking that might help. But it wasn't. Moving quietly, as Jude needed his sleep, Connor checked the time on his cell phone. Though he felt like he'd been fidgeting for only minutes, more than an hour had passed. He could feel the exhaustion weighing on his eyelids but he just couldn't get comfortable. He sat up and looked around the room. Was it too bright? He didn't think so. He was often able to sleep in bright places – preferred it, even, to the darkness. He looked around and everything was how it had been left. Nothing had changed. Nothing was different.
Connor's gaze lingered on Jude's bed and he bit his lip, torn. He didn't want to become complacent with the way things had been and he knew that some separation, even just to the couch, would probably be good for him in the long run. Except, it wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want the couch. His stomach turned. He also couldn't wake Jude. Perhaps … perhaps he could make it to his side of the bed without bothering Jude. Jude wouldn't mind if he woke up and Connor were there. Jude seemed to like sharing his space with Connor.
Connor held his breath for the briefest moment and then he put his feet on the floor. He would just peek in the curtains and see how Jude was laying. If there was space for Connor, he would take it as a sign. He crept across the floor and peeked in the end of the curtains. Definitely enough space. Connor glanced over his shoulder, thinking he should turn the light out, and the he heard Jude groan.
"Baby, is there something wrong?"
"Um. I-I-I, um … I forgot how uncomfortable the couch is," Connor whispered.
Jude chuckled sleepily. "C'mere, baby."
Connor pushed the curtains open more and climbed onto the end of the bed, pausing to shut them how he liked. He then crawled to his spot on the bed. Already, he felt sleep trying to take him.
"I'd like to build a pillow wall," Connor added.
"Sure," Jude said. "Whatever you need."
Connor decided not to read too much into it for the night and built a long wall. It was as much separation as they needed tonight. He settled himself against the mattress and tucked blankets in around him. Under the pillows, he and Jude linked hands. Finally, Connor's eyes closed and he was able to fall asleep, just like that. Just like he was supposed to be here.
(-.-)
Connor woke up when Jude's first alarm went off. Jude made a grumpy noise and slammed his hand down on top of his phone. Connor half-jumped; Jude, with his alarm clock, was the most violent Connor had ever seen him be. Jude stretched and whined, turning onto his stomach and peeking at Connor.
"I hate early mornings."
"I know," Connor said. He pushed the pillow wall down and reached toward Jude, who promptly put himself in Connor's arms. "I've heard that before."
"It's worth saying again."
Connor laughed softly. "How did you sleep?"
"Better when you joined me." Despite his hatred of waking up early, Jude could be good at waking up quickly. There was mischief in his dark eyes when he smiled up at Connor. "Was the couch really that uncomfortable?"
"That's my story."
Jude kissed Connor's knuckles gently. Connor was caught up in watching Jude's long eyelashes as he blinked, feeling the rise and fall of his chest with the hand Jude wasn't holding. He smiled, just watching Jude. He felt happy; he felt at peace. He felt like he normally did with Jude and he wondered if it was what moving on felt like. He didn't know what it was like to leave the past behind; he'd never done it before. He couldn't deny that he'd done a lot of moving forward but it didn't equal moving on. Jude turned his head into Connor's chest and Connor wrapped his arms tightly around Jude.
No fear.
He never trembled as he reached his hand to cup Jude's jaw, tilting his head toward him. Connor kissed him, lying amongst the pillows, warm under the blankets, daylight not even touching them yet. Jude let out a small gasp against Connor's lips.
"What?" Connor asked, worried he had done something wrong.
"I thought you weren't going to kiss me in bed."
"I'm safe with you," Connor said with conviction. It was all that he needed to know. He was safe with Jude.
"Completely," Jude said. His eyes half-drifted shut again, and then they shot open. He covered his mouth with his hand. "Now I have to worry about morning breath!"
That made Connor laugh too. Jude's second alarm went off and he rolled, being much nicer to it this time around. He groaned and ducked his head under the blankets. Connor heard a muffled complaint of "only five more minutes!"
Under the blankets, Connor found Jude's body again. He just wanted to hold him. Jude squirmed around in his arms and then half of Jude's face peeked out from under the comforter. "Do I have bad morning breath?"
"No," Connor said. "Not really."
"Then why haven't you kissed me again?"
Jude was watching him carefully and it almost made Connor more nervous. He leant in toward Jude, his heart hammering in his chest. He hesitated for a moment, his nose touching Jude's. He didn't feel fear; he knew what he wanted and he knew that it was okay to want it. He pressed his lips to Jude's, kissing him. Happiness flooded him and Connor smiled, ruining the kiss. Jude wrapped his arms around Connor's waist and that was when his final alarm went off. Jude groaned.
"No. I can't go to work," he whined, his pout endearing.
"You have too."
"I can't leave this bed now," Jude said. "Not when you're here like this."
"You're blaming me?"
Jude grinned at him, easing whatever traces of anxiety had managed to bloom in Connor. "You did kiss me first, remember? Jude, what would you say if I asked you to kiss me?"
"I don't sound like that!" Connor said. "Also, I said 'hypothetically, what would you say if I said I wanted to kiss you'?"
"That's how it started anyway," Jude said, and the he made a face. "I have to get up."
Connor nodded. "I'll start your coffee."
"Thanks, baby. Will you be right here when I get back?"
"Right here?" Connor repeated. "You don't want me to make you breakfast for when you get home?"
"Breakfast in bed," Jude said. "Sounds good to me."
"You want to eat in bed?"
"Breakfast then bed?" Jude amended, finally sitting up.
"I like that plan," Connor said.
"It's a plan." Jude reached over and squeezed Connor's hand before finally getting out of bed.
Connor pushed the last of the pillow wall away and went into the kitchen, looking at the clock. Jude had lingered in bed too long. He wasn't going to be able to drink his coffee in the kitchen with Connor as he normally did; the small deviation in routine made him more upset than it should. He got the coffee maker started and began going through Jude's cupboard to find a travel mug. He also put together a morning snack of grapes and cheese. He didn't want Jude going to work and being hungry until he came home. He had everything ready for Jude when he came out of the bathroom, his work shirt baggy on him.
He handed Jude his coffee and was surprised when Jude frowned. "Something wrong?"
"Where'd you find this mug?"
"It was in your cupboard," Connor said. It was just a plan blue, tall, plastic travel mug. Was he not supposed to touch it?
Jude shrugged. "I didn't know I had it. Thanks, baby."
"You're welcome," Connor said. "Don't be late for work, okay?"
Jude nodded. "I won't be."
Connor kissed him goodbye in the kitchen and then walked him to the door so he could lock the door behind Jude. Jude kissed him again before leaving.
"I love you, baby," Jude said.
"I-I'll see you soon," Connor replied, feeling a small wave of nausea.
Connor managed to wave back at Jude and then he closed and locked the door. He rested his back against the wall for a moment, looking at the kitchen. He would probably have to go grocery shopping for breakfast, after he figured out what he wanted to make for breakfast. He looked through Jude's cupboards to see what he had and then he went to get dressed for the day. He'd intended to spend his time sorting through recipes in his mind, but, instead, he found himself just thinking about the morning. About being in bed with Jude, kissing him amongst the warm blankets. Connor felt happy. He felt like this was where he should be and that things were looking up. He was still wary of Jude's love and he knew that there were always going to be lines that Connor wouldn't be able to bring himself to cross, but he also had to think about why he should let that get in his way.
It was time to try moving forward completely. He felt something jump in his chest that he thought was excitement and he tried not to linger on the fact that he could just as easily relapse. He should enjoy the good things while he had them because there was no way to know if they would always be there. Connor pulled his shirt over his head and looked at himself in the mirror, exhaling. It was time to be better; he felt the inner need to be better.
And he was going to make a quiche for breakfast.
(-.-)
There was only five minutes left on the oven timer when Connor heard Jude's key turn in the front door. He quickly wiped his hands on the drying towel and left the remaining two or three dishes in the sink to meet Jude near the door. He quickly took stock of Jude's face. There were the slightly dark circles that seemed ever-present, a smile toying at the corner of his lips, and expectations bright on his face. Connor swallowed, but he didn't know if it was just his usual nerves or something more akin to fear. At least he knew what to do when it came to Jude's expectations.
He stood up on his toes and pressed a kiss to Jude's mouth. "Was it an okay shift?"
"I'm happier to be back here." Jude's arm snaked around Connor's waist, holding him tightly. "What did you make us?"
"A bacon and cheese quiche," Connor said.
"It smells great."
"Save judgement until you taste it."
"It's always good," Jude said, but Connor could tell that his boyfriend's mind wasn't really on breakfast.
He kissed Jude again. Jude's hands felt strong against his back, pulling him closer and closer to his taller boyfriend. Connor stood on his toes, throwing both of his arms around Jude's neck. If Jude wanted him close, he could be close. And Connor didn't dislike being close to Jude. He even liked it, instead of just tolerating it, and that scared him a little. Especially when he thought of how Jude loved him. Connor had liked being physical before this but now the same old concern started creeping in. What if he was only acting this way because he thought he should? Because he knew what someone who was in love with him wanted him to do?
No. That couldn't be true.
Connor pushed himself against Jude again, as if to prove it to himself. Jude's hands slid down his back and Connor whined. It was too low. He didn't even have to push himself away to voice that feeling; Jude's hands slid back up, one against his side, one high up his back. Jude's mouth was strong and overwhelming, but Connor couldn't stop kissing him back, even after he felt a strange, coiling feeling in the pit of his stomach. One of Connor's hands slid over Jude's shoulder, down his chest, to find the bottom of Jude's t-shirt. Connor's hand slipped under, his cool fingers against Jude's heated skin. Jude's arms tightened on him and Connor found himself being pulled, until Jude hit the bed and pulled Connor down on top of him. Connor toppled down, all of his weight falling onto Jude. Jude didn't seem to care.
One of Jude's legs hitched up over Connor's hip. Connor put one hand to the outside of Jude's thigh, thinking about whether or not he wanted to pull Jude closer or push his leg down when the oven timer beeped. Connor got his hands on the bed and pushed himself upward.
"Connor," Jude murmured, sounding annoyed.
Connor hesitated and the oven beeped again. He didn't particularly want to get up either.
"Stay in bed." Jude's brown eyes were wide and convincing – not that Connor needed much of it.
"Just let me turn the oven off."
It was the quickest trip to the kitchen Connor thought he'd ever taken; he couldn't remember ever wanting to be in bed next to someone quite so badly. His hands were shaking as he hit the off button on the oven and opened the door slightly. Connor walked slowly back to Jude's bed. When he was close to it, he paused, looking at Jude. Jude had turned himself around, so his head was on a pillow. He had one leg bent upward and his hands were behind his head. Connor's gaze swept from Jude's brown hair, flopped over his forehead, and down across his belly, watching the even heave of his breath, and even further, to the tent in Jude's jeans. Connor was suddenly nervous, even though he knew that nothing was going to happen. It was only a bed; it was only a kiss. It was only just what they were doing and that hadn't been bad.
Connor took a seat on the edge of the mattress.
"What's on your mind, baby?" Jude smiled at him and it was such a comforting expression.
"We're not going to have sex," Connor said.
"No," Jude agreed automatically. "Why?"
"I didn't want you to get the wrong idea," Connor said, "and I wanted to get the wrong idea out of my head."
"It's just what we want," Jude said, "and what we're comfortable with. And I'm really comfortable with kissing you."
Connor trailed his hand along the outside of Jude's leg, making almost all of the way up to his hip. His heart started beating quickly in his chest when he thought of Jude's bare leg and then thought further to all of Jude's bare skin. His mind had wandered a little too far before but things were different now. At least, he hoped so. Connor bit his lip and watched Jude.
"Can I kiss you again?" Jude asked.
Connor held out his hands and Jude took them. Connor pulled him into a sitting position. Jude leant forward and rubbed his nose against Connor's. It was simple and sweet. Two words that summed up Jude to him and it was the opposite of everything that Connor had known for the past five years. One of Jude's hands rested on the top of Connor's thigh and Connor's heart skipped. He didn't think it was the bad way, but Connor didn't know what to think anymore. He knew part of him was confused but there was another part of him that liked what was happening and wanted more of it.
"Jude?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm just a little worried about, um, feeling trapped. Or, um, what if you do something I don't like and I don't know how to say it? What do I do?"
"I won't be upset if you need to push me away," Jude said, "or stand up and go sit on the couch. You're allowed to want your space. I know that's not easy for you to do, though. So, I guess, I would just like you try and talk to me. But there's no wrong way for you to react if I'm making you uncomfortable."
Connor tried to keep from making a face. Jude was being Jude, the same as he always was, but Connor wished that one of them, at least, had more answers than they did.
"Maybe you can try and tell me now what you don't want," Jude suggested. "I know you don't want my hands near your head and you don't want me behind you. You don't like the thought of me taking anything off you, even if it is just your button-up. It's a bed, so you probably don't want me to be on top of you because that was too much the first time it happened. Anything else?"
Connor made a face. He had a few thoughts crossing his mind but none that he was sure he wanted to admit to, even when it came to himself. He wasn't always sure of how to say things aloud to Jude. Connor pressed his lips gently to Jude's. It wasn't the frenzied kissing that his body had developed a taste for but he kept himself from pushing, at least for the moment. He gave himself a moment or two to take in what he was feeling. His hand slid to the hem of Jude's shirt and then he pulled back to look at Jude's eyes. He thought about the dreams he'd been having, he thought of how Jude always treated him, and he thought of his own personal curiousity.
"Can I try something?" he asked and Jude nodded. Connor wasn't surprised that he had.
Connor rolled so that his torso was over Jude's and Jude was slightly underneath of him. It would have panicked him, if the situations had been reversed. Jude trusted him and he could do his best to trust Jude in return. Jude gave him everything he had and Connor could do all he could to return the immense favour. Connor slid both hands against Jude's sides, underneath of his shirt. His skin was soft and warm; Jude was always something so real to hang onto. He slid forward slightly and he could feel Jude's hip against his own. That was something that he couldn't keep his body from reacting to and in a way that he was sure Jude would notice. He hoped Jude didn't say anything, though he doubted Jude would. He certainly never had before and Connor knew that it had happened before. Connor brought one hand to the top of Jude's chest, his fingernails ever so gently sliding across Jude's skin. Jude let out a whimpering moan that Connor wasn't expecting and he sucked in a breath.
"Connor," Jude said, but the moment Connor heard Jude's voice, he blurted, "I think I want to take your shirt off."
Jude pushed himself up on his elbow suddenly and Connor rocked backward, his legs underneath of him so that he was crouching on his knees. Connor bit his lip at the confused expression on Jude's face. He had done something wrong, but he wasn't sure what it was. He thought that this was what Jude would have wanted him to say. Jude had taken an enormous leap with 'I love you' and Connor thought this was the most logical next step. It was something he had thought about before, but he knew that it wasn't time, then. Whatever time Connor had been trying to keep to had been thrown out the window. He thought he'd be able to get his feet under him with the physical acts, knowing that Jude wanted it and knowing that he was curious, at the very least. But if Jude was pushing him away on that too, then Connor truly was lost.
"Why?" Jude asked, and Connor was dumbfounded by the question.
"I-I-I just, um, want to?" he said, in the most unconvincing manner he could possibly have managed.
Jude sat up all the way. "What happened to the boy I met who moved at a snail's pace?"
Connor shrugged helplessly. He didn't know. He didn't intend to do things with Jude. He acted, he reacted. He – sometimes impulsively – ended up doing things that he thought of wanting, even if he had only wanted them for a split second. Other times, he continued on with the things that Jude did, because he found, afterward, that they weren't so bad after all and he wanted to do it again. Like kissing in bed. Connor still had his boundaries. Things like sex chilled his bones and he knew that if Jude so much as grazed his hands any lower than the places on his waist that Jude was already allowed to touch, Connor would probably shut down. But that would be skipping steps. Maybe if Connor went bit by bit, step by step, then things wouldn't be so bad when he came out on the other side.
He just knew that, with Jude, he wanted to try.
The thought scared him, because Connor couldn't remember ever wanting to try before. Since leaving his ex, but before meeting Jude, Connor never thought he would meet anyone that he wanted to be with in a relationship way again. He bit his lip and quietly whispered all of that to Jude, as best as he could. Connor watched Jude's face stay confused.
"What is it?" Connor asked.
"You confuse me."
That, Connor had assumed. "Why?"
"Well, you say that you want to try things – in order, whatever that order is to you – and then you say you'll never fall in love and never want to have sex. Not that you have to. But, how do you justify saying 'never' when you look at how far you've come since we met? And I know you like kissing me, sleeping next to me, and everything else."
"I don't like that you say you love me," Connor protested. "I just decided that if it was so important for you to say it, I would rather you have that. And if I decided not to accept it, I just knew we'd end up breaking up. Being with you, and having you be with me, is what's important to me, Jude."
"Is this just because you think I want this?"
"This what?"
"The nakedness."
"You won't be naked," Connor said, and then he frowned. "I guess that would come next."
"It doesn't have to," Jude said.
"No, I guess not."
"What if it does?" Jude asked.
"We can talk about it then?"
"Why put it off? Why not talk about it now?"
Because Connor didn't have answers now. Connor didn't know what he was supposed to say or what he wanted to say. He just knew that the thought of seeing Jude totally naked made him feel sick on the inside. He couldn't know what it would be like, but he couldn't stop thinking of how much his ex boyfriend had hurt him. Suddenly, he felt like he had pushed himself too far. He had felt good and had tried to ride that high instead of doing the reasonable thing. He bolted from Jude's bed and quickly realized that he didn't know where to go. He couldn't run out the door; he couldn't go sit calmly on the couch. He quick-stepped to the kitchen. It was the only room where he routinely felt any sort of confidence.
"Baby," Jude called, and the bed creaked as he rocked himself out of it.
Connor couldn't bring himself to look up at Jude, even though he knew that his boyfriend was approaching. He had left a few small dishes in the sink, intending them for the dishwasher, but he grabbed Jude's dish soap and filled up one side of the sink. Jude's footsteps brought him all the way into the kitchen. Connor waited for him to speak but, instead, Jude picked up a drying cloth. It didn't take them long to quietly get the dishes done and put away.
"I don't want to push you," Jude said, once he was sitting up on the counter and Connor was letting the water drain out of the sink. "I guess I just want to understand."
"We both want that." Connor turned to look at Jude. "There are very few things that I feel really sure of, Jude, that's why it's so hard to tell you things. I just end up feeling things sometimes when I'm with you. Just with you. Everything else, you're right, I'd know exactly what I was going to do going into it. I would make a plan. I can't plan with you. Either you surprise me or I end up surprising me. I know for sure that I want to be with you. I know for sure that saying 'love' or having sex scares me. It scares me to the point where if you looked at me and said that I needed to do those to stay with you, I think that I would leave, because I have an opportunity to leave here that I didn't have before."
"Sex and love are two things that you'll say 'never' too?" Jude said. "Even with the steps you were talking about earlier?"
Connor jerked his head in a nod and then asked, "Why?"
"I just wanted to make sure that I understand completely," Jude said. "I'm never going to ask you for those things, baby. I know they're a big deal for you."
"Do you want to have sex with me?"
"Yes."
"Then, how can you possibly be okay with not having sex?"
"Because it's not the most important thing in a relationship," Jude said. "Clearly, you don't need sex to have a good relationship because I'd call what we have a good relationship. Wouldn't you?"
Connor washed the last of the soap bubbles down the sink and finally stopped distracting himself. He placed his hands on Jude's knees, his palms sliding upward as he stepped closer. "Yes. This is a good relationship. Best I've ever had or dreamt of. Because you're better than any man I could have dreamt of."
"Tell me you like me," Jude requested.
"I like you. A lot. You're so important to me, Jude."
Connor had completely stepped into Jude's embrace. His hands were cupping Jude's hips, their noses were touching, and Connor could feel the heat of Jude's thighs, pressing against his own. Behind him, he could feel the open space of the kitchen. He could back away if he needed to, but he didn't want to. His lips inched closer to Jude's and he could feel sliding across the counter in order to get closer to him and Connor didn't mind it. He was half a second away from kissing Jude when Jude went, "shit."
Jude's legs tightened around him as he slipped off the counter. Connor moved quickly and grabbed at Jude, managing to catch him before he fell painfully down the cupboards and onto the hard floor.
"Shit," Jude repeated, and Connor was surprised to hear him swear. "You can pick me up?"
"You're not that heavy."
"Liar!" Jude said, and he ran his fingers over Connor's bicep. "You're just that strong."
Connor shrugged best he could. "At least the gym's good for something."
"I'm just really impressed."
Connor started to blush. His hands were locked underneath of Jude, uncomfortably close to areas that he would rather avoid. Jude's legs were also tightly around his waist, in a way that was making part of him panic and a different part of him grow heated. He bit his lip, because he also felt like showing off slightly for Jude. He made sure that he had a secure grip on his boyfriend and then he carried him out of the kitchen. Jude laughed brightly as Connor put him on the back of the couch.
"That was great!" Jude exclaimed, and then he laughed again.
Connor kissed him lightly. "Are you hungry? The quiche is getting cold."
"Going to carry me to my chair?"
"No, I have to get plates," Connor said.
"Do you want me to eat breakfast shirtless?" Jude asked, joking and happy still.
Connor whined slightly. "Can we just forget that I asked? At least for now. Until I can answer your question on why I wanted to see you shirtless."
Jude smiled. "Sure, baby. But, just for now."
Connor kissed him again and then, in a bolt of confidence, picked Jude up and carried him to his chair. Jude laughed again and Connor was free to smile too.
The chapter's title is after the song The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot by Brand New (reader recommended) . If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~