Chapter 19: Fucked Up

"Dude, you've barely spoken," Jasper said, taking a break from batting. "What's up?"

I shook my head, raising my bat again for the next pitch. "Nothing," I said, hitting the ball, and then the remote to stop it from pitching another. I turned to him. "What's up with you? Didn't you have something to tell me?"

Emmett couldn't make it, so it was just Jasper and me at the cages. We had been here for about a half hour, so I was ready to take a break. Actually, I was ready to leave. Work had left me exhausted, and Little One kept me up late last night because of her teething.

"Yeah, I figured I'd tell you over a beer," he said. "You're not . . . normal right now."

I took a drink of my water before screwing the lid back on. "I'm fine. Are you ready to go?"

He shrugged. "If you are."

Over the past few days things with Bella had changed. Well, for me they had. She probably hadn't noticed. I couldn't help but feel this wasn't what I wanted. I was happy, but maybe that wasn't . . . real? Fuck, I had no idea what I was thinking. All I knew was things were moving too fast, and I was freaked out. Maybe I wasn't cut out for a relationship.

When Jasper and I got to the bar, I quickly drank my first beer. He just kept looking at me. It was fucking weird. "What?" I asked, getting tired of it.

"I know you," he said as the waitress brought another round. "And I know right now something is going on, and it's fucking with your head."

"I don't know. It's just shit with Bella. Now, what's up with you?"

He grinned like an idiot. "I love Alice."

"Okay, and we needed to go out for you to tell me this? I already knew it anyway."

"I want to marry her."

I about choked on my beer. "What?"

"I'm not saying I'm going to ask her right now, but . . . she's the one. I just know."

"You're serious?" I asked, blinking in shock. "You've only been with her for a few months."

"I know!" he laughed. "And I feel insane for even thinking about it yet, but I just . . . know."

I was a little speechless. What the fuck was I supposed to say? I wanted to tell him he was an idiot and this was just fucking insane, but from the ridiculous grin on his face, I knew I shouldn't. "Have you two talked about it?" I asked.

"No, I mean, not really. We talked about the future a little. She wants to get married someday, I want to get married someday, but we didn't talk about us getting married."

"I . . . I didn't see this coming," I said, taking another swig of my beer.

"Yeah, me either, but a few days ago, it just hit me. I love her more than I ever thought I could. She's the most important person in the world to me."

I cracked a smile. "So, I'm out of that spot?"

He laughed, grabbing a peanut. "You were never in that spot. So, what do you think? Should I?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, man. I think that's your decision."

"Yeah. I guess I just wanted to see if it sounded as crazy as I thought." His smile faded as he chewed the peanut.

"It's crazy," I said. "But I guess . . . you're the only one who knows. I say if you feel it's right, do it."

Okay, I didn't technically believe that, but I didn't want to be a dick. Jasper had been a good friend through all this shit in my life lately. He supported me, so it was only right I do the same, even though I wanted to scream at him not to. Marriage . . . really? My best friend wanted to get married, was happy, and here I was, trying to figure out what the hell I was doing.

"I want to," he said, nodding. "Not quite yet, but soon. Maybe I'll start looking at rings." He smirked. "Alice is particular. I hope I don't fuck up."

"Ask Bella to help."

"That's a great idea. Thanks. So, you have shit going on with her . . . Are you going to tell me?"

I chugged the rest of my beer. "I'm happy."

He laughed. "That's good, Edward."

"But I'm . . . freaked out by it. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. I mean, look around us. I could take one of these chicks home tonight. Well, I could if it wasn't for Sofia. I don't know if I'm ready to give that up."

He rolled his eyes. "You're a moron."

I cocked my head. "Excuse you?"

"You wouldn't take any of these chicks home. I don't know what the hell has gotten into you, but Bella has been amazing for you. If you fuck that up, there's seriously something wrong with you."

"It's too simple," I said. "She saved my ass with Little One, so maybe I just liked her because of that. It was easy."

"It was easy because you like her. She's good for you, for your daughter."

"Exactly my point. If I didn't have Sofia, maybe I'd never have gotten to know her."

"You're afraid of commitment. And now you're committed, so you're fucking it up. Don't. Have you talked to Bella? Does she know about this?"

I shook my head. "No."

"Well, stop talking to me and go home. That's where I'm going." He stood up, throwing money on the table. "Please, Edward, you're my friend, and I really don't want to see you ruin this. Think about it."

I nodded, pulling my wallet out. "I will."

"And next time we go to the cages, don't bail on it thirty minutes in."

I chuckled. "Work plus cranky kid makes me exhausted."

"Whatever. I work harder everyday than you do. You surgeons have it easy," he said as we walked out.

"Bullshit. My paycheck is bigger for a reason."

"Inflamed ego, inflamed paycheck . . . And yet, I have to remind you of your patient's name."

I unlocked my car, laughing. "Night. I'll see you tomorrow, when you remind me of my patient's names."

"See ya," he said, getting in his truck.

. . . . .

My entire life had changed drastically because of my daughter, and now, it had changed again because of Bella. Did I like her? Yes, I really did. But was I ready for this? I just wasn't sure. Talking with Jasper hadn't really helped me figure anything out. He told me not to fuck this up, but I kept thinking maybe I wouldn't be fucking it up. Maybe I'd be making it better. If I didn't want to be with Bella, continuing this would be wrong.

"There he is," Bella said, smiling as I walked into my apartment. She was sitting on the floor with Little One, pointing to me.

I smiled, coming closer and leaning down to pick up my little one. She giggled as I kissed her cheek and blew on it. "Hello, baby girl," I said. "Did you have a good day with Bella?"

"She did, except for the teething," Bella said, standing up. I kissed her lips before looking back at Sofia.

"Was it bad?" I asked.

"Crying fits, but that's normal. The teething ring helped a little. I also read you can use your finger to put a little pressure on her gums and that helps. Same premise, I guess."

I smiled. "Thanks, Bella."

"Of course," she said as we sat down on the couch. I played with Sofia in my lap, making her smile and giggle. "So, did you have a good night?"

I nodded. "Yeah, it was fine. Jasper had news."

"Oh? What's that?"

"I'm not sure I'm allowed to tell you. It's about he and Alice."

"He's going to propose." She smiled. "Alice told me."

I laughed. "Alice knows? He said they hadn't talked about it."

"Well, she's suspecting. Seems a little quick, huh?"

"That's what I thought."

"But I guess if you know, you know."

I looked at her, noticing her eyes were . . . off. Normally when she smiled, it showed in her eyes. They lit up . . . or some shit. They weren't doing that right now.

"Yeah, I guess so," I said.

"I talked to my dad today," she said after a few moments. "I'm going to see him for a few days."

"Oh, okay," I said. "Everything all right?"

She nodded. "Yes, I just . . . figured a few days away would be good. I'm leaving tomorrow."

My eyes quickly went from Little One to her. "Tomorrow?"

"I don't know what's going on, but I think you need some alone time, Edward. I'm not stupid, you know?"

I shook my head. "Of course you're not."

"You've been . . . distant. Like I said, I don't know what it is because you haven't told me. I don't know if it's work or Sofia . . . or me, but clearly, something is wrong."

I blinked. "So, you're leaving."

"I'll be back in a few days. If you want to talk then, we can. When I get back, though, you need to have figured out what you want. I like you, I care about you, but I'm not just going to sit here and wait. I thought things were going fine, but obviously, I was wrong."

I sighed, standing up and laying Little One down in her bouncer. "I'm . . . confused."

She nodded. "I know."

"I do like you, and I do care about you."

She smiled. "I know that, too. I also know a lot has changed in your life in a short amount of time, so I understand you need to think about things."

"You're coming back, though, right?"

"Yes, of course. I have a life here, Edward. I'm not going to run away from it just because we might not work out. I adore Sofia, and I want to continue to be a part of her life, no matter what."

"She loves you," I said, smiling softly.

"And I love her. So, take some time and think. If this isn't what you want, then it's not fair to either of us to keep going."

I nodded. "I'm sorry, Bella."

She stood up, wrapping her arm around me. I leaned down and pressed my lips to the top of her head. "Don't be," she said. "Just figure it out, okay?"

She lifted her head, and I kissed her. "I will," I said as we parted.

. . . . .

"I know, Little One," I said, swaying around her room with her at two in the morning. "I know it hurts."

No teeth had cut through yet, but Little One was sure feeling the pain from them. We had been up for hours, and I just couldn't calm her down. I tried a bath, I tried her teething ring, but it wasn't working. I even tried reading, but it wasn't like she could hear me over her screaming.

I wiped the tears off of her red cheeks and opened her mouth to look at her bottom gums. I ran my finger over them, adding light pressure like Bella said. "You're okay," I said, kissing her forehead. "I'm sorry you're in pain."

I sat down in the rocking chair with her, keeping my finger running over her gums. It took a while, but she did eventually fall back to sleep. I laid her against my chest and kept rocking, making sure she was going to stay asleep.

Little One did stay asleep, but she was up earlier than normal . . . crying more. If this was going to be our life for the next few months, I just wanted to fucking kill myself. I gave her a dose of Tylenol — I called the pediatrician first to make sure it was okay — before taking her to daycare. Thankfully, she had calmed down by then.

My work day was hell, too. Fucking terrible, actually. I lost a patient who was brought in after a car accident. I tried so damn hard, but it didn't matter. She was gone, and there was nothing I could have done. That didn't stop me from spending my afternoon trying to figure out if I could have, though. If I had done something differently, maybe she wouldn't have died. I did it every time I lost a patient. I'd go over the chart, run it all through my head over and over, and try to come up with a way to have saved the patient.

"That," Dad said, closing the chart in front of me, "isn't going to change anything."

I looked up to find him offering me a cup of coffee. "Thanks," I said, taking it. "And how do you know I'm not going to find something?"

He sighed. "Even if you did, it wouldn't change the fact the patient is gone. Also, I know you did everything you could, so you won't find anything."

I sat back, ruining my hand over my face as he sat down next to me at the table in the doctor's lounge. "I didn't need this today," I said. "I barely slept last night because of Sofia, Bella left for her dad's, and I'm just . . . confused about us."

"Ah, relationship issues. You upset her so much she left town?"

I shrugged. "I was distant. She thought I needed time to think."

"Do you?"

"I don't know. Maybe time apart will be good. We're always together."

He nodded as I drank more. He brought the good coffee. "Your mother left me once."

"What?" I said, fucking shocked.

"Completely different situation than what you're in, but she did. The time apart probably saved our marriage. It made me realize what I had and what I was losing. Needless to say, she wasn't gone long. I quickly realized I couldn't live without her."

"I don't think Bella and I are in that type of situation. We've only been together for a month and a half."

"True, but do you wish you could go home tonight and talk to her about losing your patient? Would she make you feel better?"

Of course she would. She had before. "Yeah."

"You should spend the next few days thinking about what she does for you, thinking about what you do for her. If you find you want — need — her during some of those moments, then maybe you won't be so confused. But what do I know? I've only been married for forty years."

"I'm afraid," I admitted. "I've never been in a relationship before, and I'm afraid I'll get too close, and she'll realize she doesn't want this. I'm also afraid I'll fuck up — that I'll go back to how I was. I don't want to hurt her."

"Well, she's not going to be around for the next few days. Have you considered going out?"

I creased my brow. "Of course not. I'd never—oh."

He chuckled. "'Oh' is right. I have no doubt that you won't go back to how you were. I think you're most afraid of being in love and losing it."

"I don't think I love her yet. It's too soon."

"I knew I loved your mother the moment I met her," he said, smiling. "I think you love her."

"I care about her, but love is another thing."

He stood up, fixing his tie. "Sure it is."

"You're really just going to walk away after saying that?" I asked, glaring. "Help me."

He patted my shoulder. "I can help you with a lot of things, son, but this isn't one of them. Just think about everything."

Before I could say anything else, he turned and walked out of the lounge, leaving me even more confused.

. . . . .

Since Bella had gone to her dad's, I was alone for dinner. Instead of attempting anything, I ordered takeout as I played on the floor with Sofia. Sesame chicken, come to papa.

"You are in a much better mood," I said, tickling Little One's belly as she sat in my lap, propped up against my chest.

I was kind of amazed at how far she'd come. She had basically mastered rolling over both ways, and she was now learning to sit up. I could put her on the floor, and she'd stay up for a good while without any help. And when she was on her belly, she was starting to move a little. She couldn't crawl yet — thank god — but she was certainly figuring shit out.

"Want to play ball?" I asked, kissing her cheek.

I moved her from my lap and set her down, facing me. I kept my hand on her back, just so she wouldn't topple over. I rolled the bright yellow ball between her legs, and she laughed, picking it up and putting it to her mouth, getting her slobber all over it. When she dropped it, I picked it back up and rolled again. We continued this for a little while until she got bored. I laid her down on her stomach, and she kicked her legs, trying to get moving. Her little grunts were . . . so fucking cute. I couldn't help but laugh.

Once my food arrived, I sat back down on the floor with her, eating as she tried her damnedest to get moving. She wasn't going anywhere, though, so I just ate and let her try until she wore herself out. When I noticed she had, I pulled the play set over and laid her on the mat, letting her bat at the toys above her.

As I sat there, alone except for Sofia, I started to wonder what the hell I did before Bella. Sure, the TV was on, but I was a little . . . lonely. I wanted to call her. I wanted to tell her about my shitty day, and she'd just make me feel better. Honestly, after talking to Jasper and Dad, I was starting to realize my main reasons for acting like this about Bella were lies. I didn't want to be with anyone else, and I knew I wouldn't fuck up and cheat on her. The comfort in our relationship was what really freaked me out, but comfort was nice. Maybe it was so comfortable because it was right.

Right now, my head was all kinds of fucked up. I couldn't even explain to myself what the real issue was. I seemed to be making an issue out of nothing. Why couldn't I just be happy? Why did I have to go and fuck it up? I was afraid of a commitment, but I was already committed.

. . . . .

"I think I might love Bella," I said, giving Little One her rice cereal. She'd already had her bottle, so I was trying the usual nightly cereal. And as usual, she didn't want it. "And I think I'm afraid I'll get close and it won't work out."

She just looked at and me, keeping her mouth shut as I moved the spoon along her lips.

"I'm so damn confused, Little One. I really like her, maybe love her, but I'm fuc—messing it up. I need to talk to her, but she won't be back for two more days. I . . . miss her."

She opened her mouth a little, so I put a small amount on her tongue. Amazingly, she didn't spit it out.

"That's my good girl," I said, grinning as she licked her lips. I gave her a little more, and she took it. A small victory was still a victory. Ever since I started her on this, she had barely been eating it. Soon, though, I planned to start her on puréed shit, but she needed to eat this right now. "So, do you have any advice for me about Bella?" I laughed.

She opened her mouth again, actually wanting some. Hell yes! Maybe she'd keep this up.

"I'm thinking when she gets back, the first thing I have to do is apologize," I said, wiping her chin and giving her more. "I hurt her by doing this. I don't have the answers, but I want to work it out, and I need her to be able to do that."

After getting her to eat a good amount, I cleaned up the high chair and took Little One into the bathroom for her favorite thing. As I washed her hair, I used the shampoo to mold it into a mohawk. I laughed, and she looked at me like I was disturbing her. I thought it was funny. I quickly washed it out and ran more warm water over her body before getting her out.

After laying her down, I went back into the living room to pick up her mess. As I put things away, my phone went off in my pocket. I pulled it out and found a text from Bella.

How's Sofia?-Bella

She's all right. How are you?-Edward

Okay. Dad goes to sleep early . . . like Sofia LOL. I just wanted to see how she was . . . and you?-Bella

I smiled as I sat down and typed a reply.

I'm fine, Bella. So, I've thought about everything and I miss you.-Edward

:-) I miss you too. So you'll be ready to talk when I get back?-Bella

I told her yes and apologized for how I had acted. We continued to text back and forth for a while. She asked about my day, and I told her it was shitty. Even through a text message, she did make me feel better. I was tempted to call her, but then she said she was going to bed. I told her good night and waited for her last text.

Good night, Edward. I'll be back in two days.

Those two days couldn't pass soon enough.