Chapter 5:

The Wave

(Ponyboy)

I watch Dally and Cherry some distance away from us, smiling and touching and kissing. Hot jealousy swirls in my gut. I turn my gaze to the ocean and focus on the angry pounding of the waves.

"Pony?" Johnny says softly. "Do you wanna go cool off in the ocean?"

One look at those concerned puppy dog eyes and I feel less miserable already. "Yeah, okay."

We wander out into the water until it's up to our waists. For a while, we stand there and let the cold waves slam into our bodies, at least until one huge wave knocks us both down. The water pulls me under and it feels beautiful aside from all the salt I ingest. I don't struggle against it—I wonder what it would feel like to let the ocean take me away? I'd like to find out, I decide without considering the possibility of death.

Johnny grabs my hand and pulls me out of the water. Now in a standing position, I cough up the whole ocean.

"Are you okay, Pony?" Johnny asks, sounding rather alarmed.

"I'm fine," I choke out. "Thanks… for saving me."

"No sweat, man. You wanna head back to shore?"

"Not yet," I say, still feeling invigorated by the ocean.

I realize that Johnny is still holding my hand, but I don't pull away. I like how comfortable it feels to hold hands with him, and it's not like anyone is looking at us. Plus, it would be helpful to have some extra support against oncoming monster waves. Johnny always makes me feel so much stronger. I could take on the entire world with him at my side. So we stay that way for a while, united by this chain we've formed with our hands.

Although I don't think I could ever tire of the ocean, I eventually decide that it's time to return to reality. I yell this to Johnny over the waves, and he nods. He finally lets go of my hand and makes eye contact with me as he does so. He blushes, but I don't understand why.

As we head back to shore, Johnny says, a little nervously, "Could I buy you some ice cream?"

"Oh, sure thing. Thanks, Johnnycake."

He grabs his worn wallet from our beach towel. I glance around, but I don't see Dally or Cherry anywhere. I try not to think about how Cherry looked in her swimsuit.

After we've ordered our ice cream, chocolate for me and vanilla for Johnny, he says, "Why don't we walk down the beach for a while?"

"Sounds good."

We quietly eat our ice cream as we stroll down the beach together. Johnny keeps glancing over at me anxiously.

"What is it, Johnny?" I ask.

"Oh… I just… Well, I wanted to apologize for before. You know, when I kind of encouraged Dal to go after Cherry. I know you like her, so I really shouldn't have done that. I wasn't being a good friend to you, and I'm real sorry about that."

Johnny ducks his head, looking awfully ashamed. My heart hurts just at the sight of him feeling so bad about himself.

"It's really okay. You're Dal's friend too and you were only trying to give him good advice, which you did… You are a good friend to me. You're the best friend I've got, and this doesn't change that. You'll always be my best friend, Johnnycake."

Johnny's dark eyes have gone all misty, as if he might cry. I don't know what to do, so I wrap him up in my arms. Johnny hugs me back, holding on tightly to my bare back and resting his head on my shoulder.

"You'll always be my best friend too," he murmurs happily.

It's the kind of hug that lasts so long that it turns your heart all soft and warm. I'm so content here in his arms that I never even think to let go of him. Johnny is the one to finally pull away, his face flushed. He smiles gently at me.

"Let's keep walking," he says, and we do.

After a couple minutes of comfortable quiet, he speaks up again: "How are you feeling, Pony? About Cherry, I mean."

"I don't know. I'm not too thrilled about it, but I'll get over it. It's not like Cherry ever would've liked me back anyhow."

"Well," Johnny says, "Cherry sure is missing out on one hell of a guy."

I grin. "Thanks, Johnny."

As we continue to walk together, Johnny gets real quiet and thoughtful. His eyes take on this strange, excited glow and his face looks all red and hot.

"Whatcha thinking about?" I ask.

He turns his glowing eyes to me and, in a weird, tight voice, says, "I've been thinking about kissing."

"Oh."

I feel my face go all red and hot too.

"Don't you ever think about kissing?" Johnny asks.

"Sure, I guess I do."

"What do you think it would be like?"

"Oh, I don't know." Then I add on lamely, "It looks kinda messy."

Johnny chuckles. "Yeah, I guess it does. I think it might be pretty fun though."

"It probably is. Was there anyone in particular you were thinking about… kissing?"

He goes completely silent and blanches, halting where he is. I stop walking too.

"Sorry," I say quickly. "You don't have to say if you don't want to."

He just stares at me for the longest time, so long that I blush out of embarrassment. Johnny bites his lip, hard. Then he takes a deep breath, hands trembling as he does so.

"Ponyboy, I want to give you something."

"What is it?"

"I'll show you back at the house. Come on," he says, nodding toward the beach house, which isn't too far away from us.

We're both silent all the way there. Still shaking, Johnny can't even look at me. I just don't know what to make of his behavior. He's so nervous that he's making me nervous. I try to ignore the feeling and instead focus on the setting sun and all its brilliant hues of red and orange and gold.

After we've gotten inside the house, however, the sunset is nowhere to be seen and I have nothing to focus on except Johnny. I'm so worked up that I'm sweating, and I don't even know why.

Without looking at me, he says, "Um, it's up in my room. You can just, uh, stay here. I'll be right back."

I don't say anything as he bounds up the stairs, almost tripping as he does so. I attempt to steady my breathing as I wait for his return.

He comes back to me less than a minute later, and he finally meets my eyes. He smiles, and it's a little twitchy, but it's also a hopeful smile. Behind his back, he holds something in his hands. He walks up to me in a shy, hesitant way that reminds me so much of the day we met. He was so afraid of me at the time because I was a stranger whom he couldn't trust. Now he's afraid of me again, but I'm no stranger anymore. Why should he be afraid of his best friend?

He has to take a moment to steel himself before he speaks.

"Ponyboy," he says in a soft, velvety tone that doesn't match all of his anxiety. "Hold out your hands, and close your eyes."

"You didn't need to get me a present," I say, chuckling nervously as I close my eyes.

It feels like my hands are waiting for his gift for a long, long time.

And then suddenly, I feel it. Something solid yet light. Something smooth on the outside but filled with rough pages. Something I know and love deeply.

A book.

I open my eyes to see my very own copy of Gone with the Wind in my hands.

"Johnny!" I cry, all of my senseless anxiety disappearing. "How'd you know I wanted Gone with the Wind so badly?"

"Oh, I just remembered you mentioning something about it once," he says, smiling at my excitement. "I was thinking we could read it together?"

"That'd be great, Johnny! Do you wanna read some right now?"

Johnny's face tightens. "Uh, I'm actually pretty tired. I think I'm gonna shower off and then take a nap. But… you go ahead and start it yourself. You can catch me up on what happens."

"Okay. Thank you so much, Johnny."

I give him a big grin, and he tries to smile back. He still looks so afraid, and I just don't understand. As I watch him walk upstairs, I wonder after my mystery of a friend. After he's gone, my confusion quickly takes second place to my enthusiasm about this book. I've just got to start it now.

I open Gone with the Wind, ready to read about Scarlett O'Hara, but instead, a letter tumbles out from between the pages. Setting down the book, I pick the letter up off the floor. My name is written in careful letters on the back of the envelope. I open it to read it, and everything changes:

Dear Ponyboy,

I've been keeping a lot from you because I'm so afraid of what you'll think of me. I can't lose you as a friend, Ponyboy. I couldn't possibly get on without you. Please keep that in mind as you read my letter. I wish I could tell you this in person, but I just can't work up the courage. For now, writing will have to do.

For as long as I can remember, I've felt different than other boys. I never liked girls much, not even when I was supposed to start liking them. Whenever the boys talk to me about how pretty their girlfriends are and whatever, I just don't understand. I don't see what they see. I don't want to kiss girls like they do. I didn't know what was wrong with me… until I noticed you.

Ponyboy, you are the best friend I've ever had. You hold me together when I'm falling apart, which is most of the time. You make me happy. And I mean really happy. I just love every moment I spend with you. I love how beautiful life is when we're together. And do you know why life is beautiful when we're together? It's because you are the most beautiful person I have ever known.

Every time I look at you, I feel like I'm going to burst into flames or like my heart is going to stop for good, yet I feel so entirely safe. I'm in love with you, Ponyboy Curtis. I don't want to kiss girls, but I want to kiss you. I can't get you out of my head, and I don't want to get you out of my head.

I know you must feel very shocked. I also know that you probably do not feel the same way about me, and that's okay. But I had to be honest with you. I couldn't go on living a lie. I hope you still want to be my friend, but I understand if you can't do that. Come talk to me whenever you're ready, but go ahead and take your time to think.

I really hope I didn't ruin everything.

Love,

Johnny

I have to read it over and over again to make sure I'm understanding it right. By the time I'm done reading for the fourth time, I'm crying. My heart is beating almost as hard as it was when I found out my parents were dead. Johnny can't love me, not like that. How could he be in love with me? He's supposed to love girls, so why doesn't he? I can love girls… right? I think of Cherry, but then I shy away from the image of her. I don't know if I even want her anymore. I don't know what I want. I don't know anything anymore. I feel like that huge wave from earlier just pounded me into the sand again. It feels beautiful and terrifying, and hell, does it hurt. Now I need to decide: should I let the ocean take me away, or should I swim back to shore? Every emotion I've ever felt is so mixed up inside of me that I don't think I can answer that question, not now and maybe not ever.

I still hear the shower running. I rush up the stairs and into the room that I share with Soda before Johnny comes out of the bathroom. I can't bear to look at him right now.

I'm not sure if I will ever be able to bear looking at him again.

A/N: Thanks so much for reading! :) I'm so excited that I was finally able to share this chapter with you! Seriously, I have been waiting so long to write this. Writing about my gay son coming out to the love of his life was a very emotionally fulfilling experience for me. My poor Pony is so confused though... Writing about sexually confused teens is such a wild ride. Stick around for the next chapter if you'd like to read about Dally and Cherry's first date-we're going to have some fun with them ;)