Connor held his breath all the way through Valentine's Day. He didn't think much of the so-called holiday. When he had been with his ex-boyfriend, he had counted down the days until Valentine's Day, much like he had counted down the days toward each of their birthdays, because it was always a big deal. It was always wonderful and sweet; his ex went out of his way to make it so. Perhaps that was why he was so resentful of it now. Those days were good. Everything else was terrible. And wonderful.
Connor shook his head, trying to clear his ex out of his mind, though that was impossible to do now days. He had seen the green SUV at least a half of a dozen times more since the first time and he was starting to wonder if his ex-boyfriend was playing with him. If his ex was trying to lure Connor back to him or just drive him insane. Both were likely to happen, in Connor's opinion. He just wanted it to be over. He wanted to stop hiding in his room, waiting in fear for something to happen. Being with Jude had made things feel too safe. He had gotten too used to being able to be safe.
The thought of Jude tore at his heart. The more separation that occurred, the more it hurt to so much as think Jude's name. Valentine's Day was making it worse, because Jude had seemed excited for it. Connor wondered what he was doing tonight instead. Maybe he was with Taylor. Maybe he went home. Maybe he was at work. There were so many options and it felt alien to Connor that he didn't know Jude's schedule anymore. He just hoped Jude wasn't alone. He didn't want Jude to be alone. The thought briefly crossed his mind that Jude could have gone out and found himself a date for Valentine's Day, but even though he doubted that it had happened, a flare of hatred for that scenario erupted within him.
It wasn't fair of him to want it, but he wanted Jude to be with him. He wanted to be with Jude. He just wanted for it to be the two of them together again, but it couldn't be.
Valentine's Day was a miserable day and Connor finished it off by hiding under his comforter and trying to pretend that the outside world didn't actually exist.
(-.-)
"Would you really like me to go?" Connor asked.
His boyfriend slid his hand under Connor's chin, pulling his face up so that Connor was looking at him. His dark brown eyes were almost black and Connor balled his hands at his sides. He wanted to reach out his hands and hold onto his boyfriend, but Connor knew that he wasn't allowed to reach out. He had to wait. He had to be good and wait for his boyfriend to reach for him. It was the right thing. He was too young and inexperienced; he didn't always make the right decisions. It was why he needed someone like his boyfriend.
"Of course," his boyfriend said. He leant his head down and softly kissed Connor. "I want to show you off, is that so wrong?"
"No!" Connor said, and he let himself smile widely. "I'm really happy that you want me to go."
His boyfriend stroked his cheek gently and Connor's heart sped up., anticipating the second kiss. It didn't come.
"If I'm going to take you to the office Christmas party, you're going to have to be on your best behaviour."
"I will be!" Connor promised. He'd never been allowed to go out with his boyfriend's co-workers before or even his boyfriend's friends. It had only been a few months since he had been officially introduced to his boyfriend's family as a boyfriend. But he was eighteen now. He was an adult. He was becoming more worthy to stand next to his boyfriend. He wouldn't ever be on the same level; he knew that no one was on the same level as his boyfriend. Still, it was a nice feeling to know that he wanted to be seen in public with him, officially.
"We'll have to get you a nice suit," his boyfriend mused. "What do you think?"
"I would love that," Connor said. "A suit like yours?"
"If that's what you want. Everyone needs a nice suit, right?"
Connor nodded.
"You're so handsome," his boyfriend said.
Connor shook his head. "You are. I'm so lucky."
"Are you glad you met me?"
"Yes," Connor said.
"What would you do without me?"
"Nothing good," Connor said. "My life is here, with you. I don't want any other life."
"Good, good," his boyfriend mused. "You know what you mean to me, don't you?"
"You love me," Connor said. It was one of the only things he knew to be true. "I love you too. I'll never love anyone else."
"I know you won't," his boyfriend said. "Which is why you're such a good boyfriend and why I'm happy to take you to the party this year."
Connor beamed with pride.
(-.-)
Connor hadn't meant to see Jude. He really hadn't. He'd been varying his routes on leaving the buildings his classes were in and going back to his dorm. He was careful not to develop any habits. It would make it harder for someone to anticipate where he was. After class today, he had decided to cut through a couple of buildings he didn't normally have class in so that he could go home from a door he never had before. And there was Jude, in front of him, standing outside of a classroom door, talking on his cell phone.
Connor felt his legs lock. He had to turn. He had to run. He couldn't let Jude spot him, even though he had his sunglasses on, his hat on, and his hood up, he knew Jude would know him. He couldn't let Jude speak to him. Connor hadn't spoken to anyone but his father and his therapist for just under a month now. He wasn't going to let his ex get his hands on anyone at all. Connor took half a step backward and then he skulked forward, slipping around just so that he could overhear Jude's voice. Just for a single second. Just to hear him say –
"Taylor, I don't have the time."
It was the most beautiful thing he'd heard for a long time. Connor didn't want to cry but it didn't stop the tears from welling up in his eyes. Jude's hushed tone sounded so sad and Connor wanted to spin around and hug him. He wanted to tell Jude that it would be all right, like Jude had done so much for him. His arms ached. He wanted to hug Jude again. His heart beating out of his chest, Connor turned, but Jude had left.
It was for the best. It was what had to happen. They couldn't be together. He couldn't erase the last month. He shouldn't. To do so was going to kill Jude. He wouldn't be Jude's murderer.
Connor trudged out into the sunshine, tears rolling thick down his cheeks. He tucked his face into the front of his sweater so the thick fabric would catch his tears. He felt too warm as he tripped over everything. The world felt hazy, far away and not quite real. That was his normal now. There was no clarity. No focus. There was just the waiting.
He found himself looking around, looking for the green SUV. He actively wanted to see it today. He wanted it to be over. He needed it to be over. His breaking point was here. He wasn't going to live like this anymore. The next time he saw the car, he was going to stand there, and he was going to wait, until he was face to face with his ex again. Whether he ended up dead or whether he ended up back with his ex, living the life that he always thought he would, it didn't matter.
Connor would never describe himself as a fighter. He wasn't brave, he wasn't strong, and he wasn't determined. He found it so hard to pull his life into his own hands but he knew that he wasn't really the one in control. He was always thinking of other people, of what they would want, and of what would be the best answer to say for them. It wasn't about him. It was never about him. It wasn't supposed to be, because he wasn't worth that kind of consideration. The thought of being nose to nose with his ex, the thought of it possibly turning into a confrontation, shook him to the core, but he was still disappointed when he didn't come across the green SUV on his way back to his dorm room.
He didn't want to wait anymore.
(-.-)
Connor turned his head, staring blankly out the hospital window. He couldn't see much. Scraps of blue sky, white clouds. He could hear foot traffic in the hall – nurses, doctors, patients, the often squeaky sounds of wheelchairs moving along the tiled floors – and he could hear the vehicular traffic on the street below. It wasn't comforting to know that life was moving on. His life was still. The life he had known, had loved, was gone. The man who had made it all possible was gone.
There was a knock at the door and Connor turned his head slowly, not surprised to see Adam. It had been easy to learn the routines of the doctors and nurses, even though it had only been a few days. He stared at his father, who was dressed casually, in blue jeans and a faded t-shirt from the college he'd attended. Connor didn't greet him, he just stared blankly. A week ago, seeing Adam had left him breathless. Now, he just felt an ache. His body ached; his heart ached; everything ached for his life. The life that has been his only a week ago. Adam had been the one to take all of that away. Adam had taken away the only person who would or could ever love him. It was just as his boyfriend had always said and what Connor had always known. It was something that Adam didn't understand.
His father sat in the uncomfortable orange chair that was closest to Connor's bedside. Connor did his best to shift away. He didn't like people to be too close. His body was numb. He wasn't sure he'd moved at all.
"Hi, Connor. How are you today?"
Drugged. Scared. Heartbroken. Unused to the sounds of his father's voice. "Fine."
It was little more than a whisper. The painkillers made him feel muffled, but he was sure that was better. He would have to feel all of it, eventually, but he didn't want to.
"There's a psychologist named Dr. Scott," Adam said. "She's highly recommended by the hospital and I thought you might be more comfortable opening up to a woman."
Connor wanted to look away. He could count dots on the ceiling. He could go back to watching clouds go by. He could do anything but stare at the concern on his father's face. Except he couldn't. He couldn't look away because he couldn't even trust his own father not to do something unexpected and damaging. And he was curious about the concern on Adam's face – as curious as he could manage, as he currently was. It was the same reason he'd spent most of Adam's visit a week ago just staring. The man who was concerned about his son wasn't the man Connor knew.
"I would really like it if you went to see her," Adam added. "At least once or twice to give her a real chance."
Connor nodded. His father seemed weighted and wrinkled. No longer the father of a carefree boy. But Connor was a long way from that boy. It was Adam that started that separation and Connor was nearly unsympathetic to his father now.
"What do you think?"
"I'll try," Connor said, and it made Adam brighten.
Connor had nothing left to live for, now. He might as well make his father happy.
The chapter's title is after the song Metalingus by Alter Bridge. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~