This update and the next will come out four hours earlier due to my current time zone. Thanks.
~TLL~
"Dad, I'm fine." Connor didn't even try to sound okay anymore. It was almost the second week of March. He was tired. Emotionally drained. He hadn't seen the his ex's car again and that was starting to scare him more than seeing it.
"I don't believe it."
Adam shouldn't, but Connor still wrinkled his nose at the words.
"Dad –"
"I never hear about Jake or Jude or the gym or anything other than you saying you went to class. Connor, I'm worried. Maybe it isn't the best thing for you to stay at that school."
"No! Dad, it's just because I've been worried I didn't say anything! I'm going to the gym tonight! You called as I was leaving."
"Really?"
"Really," Connor whispered.
"You have to promise me you're actually doing something tonight," Adam said. "Even if it is just the gym. You have to promise me your life didn't stop and I overlooked it."
"I promise. On both things," Connor said, turning to pick up his gym bag. He would go to the gym. He'd please his father, on this one count.
"Connor, I'm so sorry."
"You haven't done anything, Dad."
"Have a good workout, okay?"
"Thank you," Connor said, though he was planning on speeding through it. The sun was already most of the way down and he didn't want to be out too long after dark.
"I love you."
Those words were starting to make Connor want to bang his head against the wall, but he swallowed that feeling. "You too."
"Call me if you need anything."
"I will."
Connor hung up with Adam and let out a heavy sigh. He really didn't want to go to the gym, although it was a decent place to hide. No one without a membership could get in and there weren't that many windows. There were plenty of places in the gym to go without being seen. It was just getting there that was the problem. He rushed down his hallway, to a different set of steps than he usually took, and then he burst out into the night.
The sky was getting dark and Connor wondered if it were going to rain. It had been so long since it had rained and the multitude of sunny days had felt like a slap to the face. It had made the world look bright and happy, but Connor had just felt so dark and cold on the inside. He entered the gym, showing his ID to the man tending the reception desk. The gym was empty, save one girl who was lifting weights, but that just made Connor move faster. He only spent twenty minutes inside of the building itself before the anxiety became worse than the work out.
He was heaving for breath when he made it outside. His hands were trembling and he shoved them deep inside of his pockets. He could do nothing about the fact that his knees were knocking together and he was so uncoordinated that he fell crossing the gym's tiny parking lot. His hands and knees scraped, Connor almost didn't feel the strength to get up. The first few drops of rain were beginning to fall and he wondered if it would be quite so bad to just sit here for a while.
But, no, he couldn't get run over. That would mean attention and a story run in a local paper. It would put his name out there, when he had tried so hard to keep it under wraps. Connor looked up as he pushed himself from the hard pavement and there it was again.
His ex-boyfriend's car, parked at the fast food restaurant across the street. A hard, cold lump formed in his throat and he walked forward slowly. Deliberately. His hands wrapped tightly around the strap his gym bag; his fingers started to ache. He made it to the edge of the parking lot, and as if there were an invisible fence, he was stopped short. What was he about to do? He hadn't thought through the consequences of this! He glanced at the restaurant, but there were no windows facing him. It was impossible to tell if his ex-boyfriend was inside, eating a burger, or if he was sitting inside of the dark vehicle, waiting for Connor to approach.
What did he do now?
Voices flooded the night and Connor jumped, hiding behind a beige van. He peeked around the back of it, watching two figures cross under a street lamp. One was a tall, older woman with grey hair. The other was none other than Kroger. Connor frowned as the woman he didn't know exclaimed, "Oh, Jay, is this the new car!"
Kroger laughed. "The new to me car. What do you think of it?"
"I love the colour."
The lights of the green SUV turned on as Kroger opened the driver's side door and Connor's veins turned to ice. He was sure that was the same SUV he had been seeing around campus for the several weeks. He could see the red tree air freshener that was hanging from the rear-view mirror. But if it was Kroger's SUV, if it wasn't his ex's SUV …
Connor's brain stalled. He had been wrong. His ex boyfriend hadn't found him. His ex had no idea where he was. He was still free, which meant he had panicked, overreacted, and turned his life into a hell hole for no reason. It meant that had had broken Jude's heart for absolutely no good reason at all.
Jude!
It meant he could go back, didn't it? Should he? Should he wait and see if he was found? Oh, but why wait for a day that might never come?
The SUV pulled out of the parking lot and rain started to pour around Connor. It was enough to start him running. He pushed himself all the way back to his dorm but, instead of running up to his room, Connor ran down. He ran to the bike locker and unlocked the bike that he hadn't touched in weeks and shoved it up the stairs. He had to explain to Jude. He had to see Jude. It was the only thing that was on his mind. It was the only thing that he was sure of.
The night had developed into a full on rainstorm as Connor pedaled furiously. His heart thundered in his chest and he felt like he was going to throw up as the wind battered against him. But it didn't matter. The weather didn't matter. How he felt didn't matter. He was going to get to talk to Jude again. He was going to get to stand in front of Jude again. He didn't know what would happen from there, but he couldn't let that get under his skin now. He had to keep going. He couldn't let himself stop. He had to explain to Jude.
His bike skidded on the wet pavement, but Connor didn't let himself fall. He turned onto Jude's street and a car sped by, splashing up water at him, but he didn't allow himself to get scared of its proximity. He could see Jude's house. He didn't even get off his bike to walk it down the hill, he just turned it down. The bike slipped on the wetness and Connor skidded through the grass. There was mud on his jeans, mud on his hands, probably mud on his hair. It didn't matter. Jude's door was in front of him and the window was lit up.
His teeth jittered as he rested his bike against the deck. His stomach twisted and tears poured down his cheeks. He lifted his dirty hand to knock on the door and only hesitated for a moment. Jude was just on the other side of that door and he needed it to open. He still had Jude's house key, but it was wrong to use it now. He knocked once and then it became frantic. He needed to make sure Jude heard him, that the door opened.
And then it did.
The warmth and light of Jude's apartment penetrated the dark, rainy night, and Connor couldn't take his eyes off Jude's face. It was pure relief to see him again, though a frown was on his face and he didn't look happy. That shouldn't have surprised Connor. If the situations had been reversed, he wouldn't be so happy right now either.
"Connor, what are you doing here?"
"I needed to see you! I needed to tell you, um, to explain, to –" The sobs took over and he hid his face in his hands.
"Come in," Jude said. "Come on. Go in the bathroom, put your clothes in the washer. I'll get something else for you."
"Th-th-thank you."
It wasn't until he was inside that Connor realized that he hadn't expected to make it this far. He was back in Jude's bathroom, and it was like nothing had changed. It had been just over a month. How much could have changed in that amount of time? Too much? Enough? Connor put his wet clothing in the dryer, as he'd been instructed, and then tried to wash off as much of the mud as he was able before pulling on the clothes Jude had gifted him. It felt too normal, and he was sure that he had borrowed this exact shirt and sweatpants before. He pulled the long sleeves over his hands and hid his face away, inhaling deeply. Connor realized how much the Anchor Beach sweatshirt didn't smell like Jude anymore and how much that had just been in his head. The lump in his throat swelled and he knew he had to face Jude. No matter how angry Jude was – and he had every right to scream and yell – Connor would take it. It was unlike all the times with his ex that he'd discussed with Dr. Scott. This time, Connor really did deserve it. And Jude deserved the chance to yell and rant and get an explanation.
Connor started the washer and opened the bathroom door. The TV was still going – a crime drama that Connor had never seen and that he didn't realize Jude cared about. Jude wasn't sitting on the couch watching it; he was standing beside the couch, his arms crossed tightly over his chest. Despite the fact that he trusted Jude, he still stopped out of arms reach. After all, he'd never actually seen Jude angry. Jude turned to face Connor, and though his jaw was set and his brows were drawn low, his brown eyes pierced Connor, because they were just sad.
"Th-thank you for letting me in."
"I wasn't going to leave you out there," Jude said, and then he sighed heavily. "What are you doing here?"
"To explain."
"Try."
The harsh tone nearly made Connor flinch and he knitted his fingers together, trying to steady himself. He had to hold it together. It wasn't fair to break down on Jude because he knew Jude would comfort him, because Jude was a genuinely good man. It would invalidate his explanation and his apology. Connor didn't expect Jude to forgive him, but if Jude decided to do so, Connor didn't want either of them to feel like Jude had been guilt-tripped into it at all.
"Because," Jude said, anger building in his voice, "I never expect people who never want to see me again to show up at my apartment."
"I was lying."
"That's what I eventually decided," Jude said. "Then I decided it didn't matter why. You decided to go. So, away you'd stay. Easier said than done, though."
Connor's knees gave out and he sank down on the couch. "I thought you were going to die, Jude."
"Yeah?" Jude didn't sound impressed by the gravity of Connor's words.
Connor nodded. "Um, the night that I was supposed to come see you, a detective called me. My ex-boyfriend got out of prison, Jude."
Concern flickered across Jude's face before he hid it away. "And?"
"I panicked. I knew he'd find me. I knew you'd be in even more trouble than I was when he did. I-I-I couldn't watch that happened to you." He tried to report everything as matter-of-fact as he possibly could, but he couldn't keep his voice from cracking or the tears from welling up in his eyes. "I thought it was my only option."
"Instead of telling me? Instead of letting me make up my own mind? Or, maybe, instead telling me you were scared and wanted space because of that? But you just decided that it wasn't worth talking to me about it, even though our entire relationship we did nothing but talk! And what did we keep saying? We have to be honest! Well, you fucked that up, Connor!"
He jumped at the explicative coming from Jude's mouth.
"What made you come back, huh? Is my life no longer in danger?"
Connor nodded, feeling his eyes go wide. "Jude, it's Kroger's car."
They obviously weren't the words Jude had been expecting to hear. Truthfully, they weren't really the words Connor had been expecting but saying the words aloud made them feel real and he laughed, feeling giddy.
"Connor!"
"It's Kroger's car."
"I don't know what that means!"
"I kept seeing a green SUV and that's his car and I thought it was him but it wasn't! He didn't find me! And I was so stupid to think he had. I was miserable and paranoid this past month and I didn't have to be. I was wrong. I was wrong about everything. To run away, to leave you. I shouldn't have done any of what I did. I'm sorry!" He crawled down the couch, needing to be closer to Jude. "I'm so sorry."
"So, what?" Jude demanded, taking a step back. "Were you thinking you'd show up here and things would be fine and we could just go back to the way things were? Because that's such bullshit, Connor!"
"No, no, I just wanted to –"
"Because do you know what, Connor? This past month has been the worst month of my entire life! And I wanted you. I wanted you to be here to help me deal with that! And you should have been, but, where were you? Hiding from invisible fucking monsters, safe, in your dorm room! Meanwhile, Taylor killed Callie! And I went to my fucking sister's funeral while my best friend sat in jail for it and all I wanted was for you to tell me it was going to be okay and be there when I cried because I just couldn't burden my moms anymore and you were just gone! You can go fuck yourself, Connor!"
"Jude, I … What happened?"
"Why do you care?"
"I didn't stop caring about you. It was only because I thought something was going to happen to you."
"But it didn't happen to me," Jude whimpered. "It happened to Callie and she's gone, Connor, and I needed you here and you weren't. And now you're here and what am I supposed to say? What do I even want to say? I thought about you coming back so many times but I really just decided it was better if you were gone and I … I just want to go back in time."
Jude's back hit the wall and he slid down it, hiding his face against his knees and trying to contain his sobs. Connor felt his heart break; he understood how Jude was feeling. He, too, would give nearly anything to get back. Connor could only bear to watch Jude cry for a moment before he slipped from the couch and crawled over to Jude. He didn't know if Jude would let him get close, but he moved until he was sitting next to Jude. It was only a moment until Jude's head fell against his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around Jude and just let Jude sob into him. It was so hard to hear. It was partly his fault, but he had to deal with all of it. Jude was right. Especially for something this big. He should have supported Jude.
"What happened?" Connor murmured, even though he didn't know if it was right to.
"Taylor had internship with Callie. I thought she'd stopped drinking. But she hadn't. She was driving the car. It crashed. Callie died. Taylor walked away without a scratch. And that's how my mom died too. How is that fair, Connor? Callie didn't do anything!"
"I know. I'm sorry."
It was so weak. Jude slumped into his arms again and the sobbing intensified. Connor held Jude more tightly and just let him cry. It was the least he could do. He rubbed small circles on Jude's back, tried to whisper that it would be okay, though he wasn't quite so good about it as Jude was with him. He almost brushed his lips against the top of Jude's head, but it felt like it was too much. He wanted nothing more than to be sitting here with Jude, even though Jude was so broken. He was supposed to be here helping Jude. He owed it to Jude.
The washing machine beeped at the end of its cycle and, on reflex, Connor twitched.
"NO!" Jude shouted and his hands gripped the front of Connor's shirt. "Don't you dare leave me now!"
"I won't," Connor promised. "I'll sit right here with you for as long you need."
They didn't move for hours. Connor's muscles began to cramp and he wanted to say something more, but he didn't think that he should. If Jude wanted to talk to him more, he would. Jude just clung to his shirt and cried off and on, and Connor rocked him slightly, his own tears sliding onto Jude's soft hair. It was almost two a.m.
"Jude," he whispered, his own throat feeling raw. "You should go to bed."
Jude sniffed and his loose fingers grabbed onto Connor's arms.
"Wh-whatever you want," Connor murmured. "I can go or I can … stay."
He didn't realize how badly he wanted Jude to say that he should stay until he asked. He knew that he wanted to be here but he was just learning over and over again how much he had missed being here.
"You said you wouldn't go!"
"I won't. I won't," Connor promised. "I want to be here, Jude. I missed you."
Abruptly, Jude pulled himself away. Connor's arms hung for a moment, cradling the empty space, before he let them float back to his sides.
"That's not fair, Connor!"
"I know." But it didn't change how he felt. It didn't change the fact that he'd thought of Jude every day and it had hurt more every time he had. He'd missed Jude so much and, even internally, he didn't have the words to express that to himself. "I'm sorry."
"I'm not even completely sure I believe that."
Jude sighed again and walked away. Connor watched his sock feet cross the hardwood floor until Jude shut the bathroom door behind him. Connor pushed himself to his feet, his knees aching, and he looked around Jude's apartment. He couldn't just stand here and do nothing, but he had no idea what he was allowed to do. He was less than a guest now and he no longer knew where the line was, which made it that much easier to overstep. He moved slowly, as if that were less offensive somehow. It gave Jude more time to catch and stop him. He fixed up the blankets and pillows on Jude's bed. They seemed unusually messy. He didn't have time to make the whole bed, but it was definitely more comfortable looking. Connor waned Jude to be comfortable and happy. Finished with the bed, Connor turned on Jude's bedside lamp and turned off the other lights in the apartment, like he had done before when they went to bed. Then, he sat on the arm of the couch.
Jude wasn't happy. He'd been more miserable this past month than Connor had, and Connor hadn't ever considered that to be a possibility at all. He had been convinced Jude would be happy and that he really would be better off without Connor in his life. That had been wrong. That had been so wrong.
Connor had never meant to, but he had broken Jude's heart.
Connor jumped to his feet as Jude re-entered the room. He stayed utterly still as Jude crossed over to him; he was unsure if he should have laid down on the couch or if Jude would want him in bed. He waited for Jude to say something, but there were no words. The quiet was unnerving. Connor was used to Jude, sweet and talkative, filling in the silences that Connor always – but inadvertently – created. Jude, cold and sad, wasn't something Connor knew how to react to. Jude curled his fingers around Connor's bicep, guiding him from the couch to the edge of the bed. Connor sat quietly.
"You have to be here when I wake up," Jude said. His voice wavered and his tone was desperate; Jude sounded like Connor always imagined he ended up sounding when he was really upset. "You have to."
"I will. I'll be right where you left me."
"I work at seven."
Connor nodded, then Jude waved him to the inside of the bed. Connor scrambled to the other side of the mattress, burrowing in with all the pillows and blankets, so different from his single blanket, cold sheets, and two flat pillows. Jude pulled the curtains around the bed closed and Connor focused on the open spot at the foot of the bed. It might have just been an old habit, but Jude had still done it.
Connor watched Jude's silhouette turn over, keeping his back to Connor as he wrapped his arms around a pillow. If Connor reached out, he would probably be able to touch Jude. Before Connor had sent those texts, Jude would have loved it if Connor had reached for him first. He slid his hand part of the way across the gap and then withdrew it. It wouldn't be fair. Even if he fell asleep imagining how it once felt to have Jude's long body spooned into his own, his arms around Jude's waist. He even missed the tickle of Jude's hair against his nose.
He closed his eyes, knowing that Jude wouldn't allow him to hold him. He curled his arms around himself instead and that was how he fell asleep.
(-.-)
Connor woke as the alarm went off. He opened his eyes and pushed himself up on his elbow, confused, for a moment, where he was. Jude rolled over and turned off the alarm, and then he rolled to face Connor. Connor's lip trembled.
"I'm still here."
"I'm surprised. Someone who can vanish without a word might also run away in the middle of the night."
Connor kept his mouth closed. He deserved that too. Jude shook his head and was out of bed before his next snooze went off. Connor scrambled off after him. While Jude was sealed in the bathroom to get ready for work, Connor turned on the coffee maker. He had just poured a mug when Jude padded into the kitchen behind him.
"Just sugar."
"I remember."
"Hmm."
Connor passed him the mug and Jude's fingers brushed his own. His heart skipped.
"Will you be here when I get home?" Jude asked.
"If here is where you want me to be."
Jude rested against the counter. "I wanted to forget about you, Connor. I wanted to never care about you. I wanted to take that back. Do you know how hard it is to think that about someone that you were in love with? Do you understand what you did to me by walking away like you did?"
"I'm trying to," Connor whispered. "But I don't think I ever really can."
Jude shook his head. He chugged at his coffee, to the point where Connor wanted to warn him not to burn himself. He held his tongue. Jude was an adult and he had already made it clear that Connor shouldn't act like he had before. He had to act like he didn't care. Just like Jude didn't want to care about him. The thought made him too sad and he tried to shove it away, thought to forget it altogether was an impossibility.
"You don't have to stay here," Jude said. "But, if you aren't here when I come home from work, then I really don't ever want to talk to you again, okay?"
Connor nodded. "What time do you get home from work?"
"Two. Um, I won't be home for a break."
"Okay. I'll … I'll be here at two. I promise. I want to see you again. I don't want it to be 'never again'."
"We'll see, I guess. That might be how it has to be. I don't know if I can keep looking at you. I just don't."
Connor nodded, but he couldn't even muster up any more words for that. Jude put his coffee mug in the sink and then he walked out, not even saying goodbye. Connor stood still in the kitchen until he heard the lock click and then he made it to the couch. He picked his cell phone up off the coffee table and called his father.
"Hello, Connor? Are you all right?"
"Dad," Connor sobbed, "Dad, I screwed up."
"Are you all right? Are you safe?"
"Y-y-yes, but I … I screwed up. Bad. I can't take it back but I want to take it back."
"Connor, we can fix it. You just have to tell me what's wrong."
"We can't fix it. We can't."
"Tell me what happened anyway," Adam urged. "We can talk about it. We can see if we can fix it."
Connor knew that there was no repairing what had happened between he and Jude. He could do nothing but be with Jude, in whatever way Jude would take him. Not only was it what Connor wanted, but he knew that he owed that much to do. But with tears rolling down his cheeks, Connor confessed everything to his father. It was, at the very least, good to trust somebody else.
The chapter's title is after the song War Of Hearts by Russell Taylor. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~