Jude walked down the hill to his apartment, his heart thudding inside of his chest. He didn't know if Connor would be inside; he wasn't sure if he wanted Connor to still be inside. Being without Connor had been hard, but that hadn't been the tip of the iceberg. He had lost too much in the time they'd been apart. Jude hadn't thought any of them would ever come back. Connor, he supposed, was the only one who really had a chance to. If Jude let him. If Jude wanted to let him. But Jude had no idea what he wanted right now. Especially not from Connor. The thought of anything romantic right now was almost repulsive. He just missed his sister. He just wanted Callie. Anything beyond that was almost inconceivable. What right did he have to be happy, to be okay, when she was gone?
Not that he'd been even close to feeling happy or okay.
Jude unlocked his front door. The apartment smelt of food and Jude almost felt hungry. He hadn't felt that much in weeks. Connor was in the kitchen. It was a familiar sight. It would have been easy to saunter to him, wrap his arms around Connor's waist, and bury his head into Connor's shoulder. Jude shouldn't. He knew he shouldn't.
"Hi, Jude! How was work?"
Long. The days kicked and dragged and it all felt harder than it should. Jude locked the door behind him and walked into the kitchen.
"Was it good?" Connor asked, and he almost sounded hopeful that it could be.
Jude felt his face tremble. It was hard enough to keep up his mask of 'everything's fine' when he was in front of people but he couldn't do it at home. His legs trembled and he fell against Connor, just like he had last night. It was so easy to just let Connor catch him and hold him as he cried.
"J-Jude?" Connor whispered in his ear. "Um, I hope … h-h-ope it's okay. Um, someday."
It couldn't ever be, but Jude tried to take some comfort from it. He let Connor hug him.
"Talk, please," Jude said.
"Sure," Connor said. "Well, I went grocery shopping. Um, I still have your key. If you want it back you can have it back, but, um, I used it today. The grocery store wasn't very crowded and – Oh."
Jude had to sit. His legs weren't going to hold him anymore. He slumped to the ground, his back to the cupboard. Connor followed him down to the floor, sitting next to him. Jude needed space, now, and Connor let him have it.
"I liked that it wasn't crowded, you know? I still wore my hoodie and my hat. I guess I'm still a little paranoid, but, nothing weird happened. It was just grocery shopping. I made cupcakes. I don't know if you want to eat them, but I made them, for you. I also made my mom's shrimp alfredo. You didn't have much food, Jude."
"I didn't think about it."
"Well, that's okay," Connor said. "You've been dealing with a lot."
"And you've been most of it!" Jude didn't care if it was unfair or not. "It started with you! I couldn't be there to talk to Callie when she said she thought Taylor was having problems with work and I said just trust her, Taylor's fine, but I hadn't really talked to Taylor because I was so busy talking about you, that I ignored her problems. I didn't see her drinking getting a lot worse. I didn't see that she had stopped caring about literally everyone and everything and I had no idea that she was going to do something so stupid and dangerous! And it all started with you, Connor! You're my biggest problem!"
Seeing tears roll down Connor's face still broke Jude's heart, but he forced himself to turn away from it now.
"I'm going to shower."
"Do, um, do you want me here?"
"I don't want to be alone," Jude said, but he knew that it wasn't the same thing. He knew Connor knew it wasn't the same thing. But he didn't take it back and he didn't change it. He left Connor sitting on the floor and then he locked himself in his bathroom.
It was easier to stand in the shower and just let the warm water fall over him than it was to think of anything, but the thoughts were never-ending and intrusive. He ended up thinking of Callie's funeral. He thought of how the day had been warm but he had felt so cold the entire time. Cold enough that despite the steam and the heat of the water, Jude's veins turned to ice and he ended up shivering. He dropped the shampoo bottle and it landed heavily on his feet, but Jude felt nothing from it at all. He just stared at the shampoo bottle, feeling his heart sink. He had to go through the motions. He had to keep going through the motions. If he let himself stop, he knew that he would never start again, and he had to keep going. For his mothers, for the rest of his family, for Callie's memory. Maybe for himself, but Jude wasn't so sure on that one.
He picked up the shampoo bottle. His arms felt heavy and it was effort to get them above his head to clean his hair. He was grateful to be done his shower, but when he turned the water off, he just stood there in the wet tub, letting the cooler air slip in. Goosebumps prickled on his skin and Jude inhaled and exhaled slowly, looking at the edge of the tub. That felt like too much of a hurdle too, but he picked up his legs and made it out. He didn't bother to take much time in drying off and pulled on sweatpants and a t-shirt. He ran the towel over his hair one more time and went back to the main part of his apartment. Connor was still in the kitchen, drying off the last of the dishes.
Connor turned his head, the edges of his lips twitching as if he were trying to make himself smile. "H-h-how are you feeling?"
Jude shrugged.
"Would you like to eat something?"
"Sure," Jude said.
"I got you the bakery rolls you like," Connor said. "I thought it might make things feel a little better. Or, at least, it might be something to eat. I know it can be hard to eat sometimes."
"Thanks."
Jude slumped in his usual tall stool and Connor served him a small plate. Jude managed another thanks. The food smelt good but his stomach didn't rumble and his mouth didn't water. Jude left the fork beside the plate and just started tearing the roll apart. He didn't glance over as Connor took a seat, leaving one between them. Another sign of how different things were.
"Would you, um, like water or anything?"
"Connor, stop."
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "What did I do?"
"I need you to stop acting like you care –"
"I do care!"
"I don't want to know! I don't need to know! You aren't allowed to care, do you get that? You're the one that destroyed everything!" Jude slammed his hand down on the counter top; out of the corner of his eye, he saw Connor nearly fall out of his chair. "Fuck you! You can't care!"
Anger pulsing and tears about to fall, Jude gripped the edge of the counter, trying to focus on the bread crumbs that had fallen there instead of on Connor. He couldn't help but notice Connor get up and Jude thought he was going to leave. His heart tore, but he couldn't bring himself to open his mouth and say 'stay'. He knew he'd throw up if he tried. Connor walked around to the kitchen, he poured a glass of water, and sat it down next to Jude's plate. Jude watched the water ripple against the side of the glass and then he broke again, the tears sliding down his face. He turned, and Connor was already right there, arms outstretched.
"I understand, Jude," Connor whispered. "I understand."
"I don't!" Jude sobbed. "Nothing makes sense anymore!"
"It won't, for a long time," Connor murmured. "But hopefully it'll be faster for you than it was for me. You'll never not miss her, Jude, but it'll get easier to be happy about remembering her."
"She shouldn't be gone!"
"No, she shouldn't."
"Fuck Taylor!"
"Yes," Connor agreed. "Just say what you need to."
"She was my best friend! And I hate her! She was supposed to care about me! And so were you! You were supposed to care about me but you didn't! You just left me! I loved both of you!"
"I'm sorry. It's not enough, Jude, I'm sorry."
It'd never be enough. There would never be enough words or enough actions. Things were broken – too broken. It couldn't be put together with the snap of fingers or a hug or bakery rolls.
"Jude," Connor said, "um, your phone is ringing."
"Is it five?"
"Um, yes."
"Doesn't matter."
Taylor called, every day, at five o'clock. She wasn't sitting in prison, waiting on a trial. She was out on bail, kept at her parents' house, until the court decided what to do with her. Jude hated to be so bitter about her, because he grew up with her and he loved her, but he hoped she went to prison for a few years. He hoped her life was ruined by what she had done, because his life would never be the same. But no matter what did end up happening to Taylor, Jude knew that he'd never be able to talk to her again. He would never be able to sit through her apology, knowing that he would never believe she was sorry. Callie had a licence, Callie hadn't been drinking, Callie could have driven home. Taylor should have told her to. It was as simple and as complicated as that.
"I can't sit here anymore," Jude said. "I can't breathe."
He pushed Connor away and inhaled deeply, but that didn't help the crushing feeling on his lungs.
"Can I help?" Connor asked, his eyes wide and looking bright green.
"Come with me," Jude said.
Connor nodded. Jude grabbed his keys from the counter. He waited for Connor to ask where they were going or even drag his heels and ask to put the food away first. He was usually so attentive about that sort of thing. But Connor didn't. He put his shoes on and held the door open for Jude and they went up to the car. Jude didn't have a destination in mind. He just wanted to drive, as if he could get away from everything that had happened before. Connor sat in the passenger seat and he rolled down the window as they started down Jude's street.
Jude didn't know how to say it, but he was so glad to have someone else sitting in the car with him. He was so glad that he wasn't alone anymore, but he didn't know how glad he was that it was Connor who was sitting next to him. He still couldn't look at Connor without feeling his heart ache.
"Jude?"
"What?" Jude snapped, tightening his hand on the wheel.
"Oh, um, may I-I … Oh, could I stay with you again tonight? Please, may I?"
"Yeah. But I have class tomorrow."
"Me too."
"I can drop you off in the morning." Jude stopped in front of a crosswalk and exhaled. "Connor?"
"Yeah?"
"Would you keep staying with me? I can't stand to be alone at night anymore and it … it means a lot to me that you're here."
It wasn't a lie but it didn't feel right to say.
"Yes," Connor said. "I'd really like that. Thank you, Jude."
"It's not forever," Jude said, letting the car move forward again. "It's not us going back to the way things were."
"I know, but, thank you."
"Let's just drive now, okay?"
"Okay," Connor agreed, and forward they went.
(-.-)
Connor woke the next morning, sweaty and heavy. He shifted slightly and opened his eyes. Sometime, during the night, Jude had rolled into him. Their legs were tangled together and Jude's head was on his shoulder. Jude was still fast asleep and he looked so peaceful. More than he had last night. He'd cried himself to sleep. Connor hadn't known how to help; he'd been left stranded on the other side of the bed, even after murmuring Jude's name and touching Jude's back. Connor gently touched the skin of Jude's hands and Jude's eyes opened. Connor stared down into his brown eyes for a moment and then Jude rolled away. Connor wished that he hadn't but it wasn't as if he were in a place to ask for Jude to come back.
But Connor missed Jude's body, warm against his own. He couldn't believe he'd destroyed them so easily. He leant onto his elbow as Jude sat up, his shirt riding up as he stretched.
"What's that?" Connor blurted, his hand reaching out toward Jude's side before he remembered that he wasn't allowed to anymore.
"Oh." Jude angled to the side, lifted his shirt. "I got a tattoo."
Connor inched closer. It was low on Jude's ribs, about the size of his hand. It was of a young woman, a camera held up to her face so that most of her features were covered. Still, Connor knew who it was supposed to be.
"It's beautiful."
"From a real photo. Mariana says it looks exactly like her. I think it's close enough," Jude said and he dropped his shirt.
"It looks really good. The artist did a good job."
"Thanks. We should get ready."
Jude pushed off the bed and went to his dresser, gathering clothes. The alarm wasn't set to go off for another twenty minutes and Connor made took advantage of the time, putting coffee on and starting scrambled eggs on the stove. Jude came out of the bathroom.
"Breakfast?" he asked, and he sounded surprised.
"You barely ate even half a roll last night," Connor said. "I just thought you might like something small to go with your coffee."
"Thanks, bab – Connor."
Regret hit Connor like a tsunami. He missed the affectionate nickname from Jude; he missed everything about his relationship with Jude. He wanted to cry and beg Jude to take him back and that he would become a better person. He wouldn't make the same mistakes again, because Jude knew what was happening. He had confided that in Jude, like he should have from the very beginning. Connor looked at Jude's face and held his tongue. If he did that, Jude would send him away now, and Connor was going to treasure the few days grace that he had with Jude. For whatever reason, Jude wanted him here now, and Connor was going to make the best of that. He needed to be what Jude needed right now. It was the only thing he had left to do for someone who had meant so much to him.
"Jude, may I borrow a shirt, please? I don't want to wear mine three days in a row."
"T-shirts, top drawer, on the right."
"Thanks, Jude. Does it matter to you which one?"
"No, whatever you think will fit you best is fine."
Connor finished making Jude's coffee and left it on the counter for him and then went to Jude's dresser. He didn't like the feeling of rifling through Jude's things, particularly since they weren't dating anymore and Jude had made his new opinion of Connor very clear. He picked the first one off the top and went to the bathroom to get changed. He'd been washing the clothes he'd worn to Jude's originally every night but it would be nice to go back to his room and be able to pack a bag. Even to get a toothbrush so he could stop putting toothpaste on his finger and then using some of Jude's mouthwash. He hadn't dared complain, though, for risk of Jude sending him away.
He'd do almost anything to get to stay in Jude's life and that scared him. But he wasn't going to run away. He'd learnt that lesson again and again, but he thought it was really going to stick this time around. He couldn't run away just because he was scared. He got ready for the day and then went back out to join Jude. They sat next to one another and ate their breakfast, but it was quiet. Quiet enough that it made Connor's stomach hurt and he thought he might have ended up eating even less than Jude did.
"Okay, let's go," Jude said. "We can't be late and you need to go get your books."
"Right," Connor said. "Right. Let's go."
Connor locked his bike in Jude's apartment and then followed him up the hill. He missed the days when Jude would open his car door for him, laughing as they took off somewhere. Or, at least, something a little more comfortable. Jude was so tense; there was nothing Connor could do about it, and that hurt too. He wanted nothing more than to be able to help Jude but he didn't know what to do at all. He was grateful that the drive to campus was short. Connor watched Jude's face the entire time they drove, thinking of the first few times he'd gone to Jude's. He'd been so scared, just about Jude's presence. And then he remembered, sitting here, and being so scared that Jude would expect a kiss as Gerald was parked in the nano dorm parking lot. As Jude stopped in a parking spot, Connor thought of the things he'd give for Jude to want to kiss him now, because Connor wanted to kiss him again, so badly.
"I'll be right here at seven-thirty," Jude said.
"I'll be waiting," Connor promised.
"Or hiding upstairs," Jude said. "I guess we'll see tonight."
"I'll be here. We'll have dinner, okay? We'll find a movie, if you want. Maybe something funny?" Connor suggested, aware that he was starting to sound desperate. "Maybe you'll smile."
"Think about movies, all right, Connor? I'll be here at seven-thirty."
Connor knew it was a dismissal and he got out of the car, standing on the sidewalk until Jude was out of sight. He wrapped his arms around himself and Jude's scent billowed up from the t-shirt. It would be fine. He'd see Jude in a few hours. Things were going to be fine.
The chapter's title is after the song Lover, Please Stay by Nothing But Thieves. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~