To Be Loved

"Hey." Punk smiled softly, watching as AJ began to open her eyes finally in the hospital, "Hey, how you feeling?" He asked her, holding her hand tightly as he watched her look around the room, looking back to him as she recalled what had happened, why she was in the hospital, and she tried so desperately not to burst into tears.

"How you feeling?" Dean asked as AJ turned to him, "We're right here with you, ok?" He nodded as she nodded along with him, turning back to Punk, remembering what had happened in phases. She remembered the harsh headache, the feeling of carrying a thousand people on her back, like there was a dark cloud over her, and she just couldn't do it anymore. At that moment in time, she wanted to die, and not because she wasn't happy with her life with Punk and with Dean, she just couldn't describe why, she didn't really understand herself. Over the course of the few months, she'd feel exceptionally great, optimistic, positive, and then it would just change to something much duller. She had gotten good at hiding it from Punk and Dean, but it had all built up to this, and now she didn't know what to say or what to think.

"You uh… you remember what happened?" Punk asked her as she nodded, still coming around from her sleep, "Well, you're ok now." He assured her, "But… the doctor is gonna want you to talk to some people." He nodded as AJ just sighed.

"We didn't call your mom." Dean said, "We figured you wouldn't want her here." He said.

"No, I don't." AJ said. She'd had a huge fall out with her mother a few months back, which resulted in her permanently living with Punk and Dean in their apartment and no longer speaking to her mother. The words that were exchanged were vicious, toxic, and she just couldn't live there anymore. It had gotten bad.

"I'll go back to the apartment and get you some clothes if you want." Dean nodded, more so trying to give AJ and Punk some time on their own, "Do you want anything else in?" He asked her.

"My book." AJ nodded as Punk smiled. It was a little glimmer of hope that she was still in there.

"Ok." Dean smiled, rubbing her hand and getting up from the chair to leave the room and head back to the apartment.

"April, I was so scared." Punk shook his head, looking on at AJ once Dean had left the room, "I thought I'd lost you." He sighed, still feeling that horrible anxious, worried feeling inside him, even though he knew she was ok.

"You could have." AJ said, faced with the reality of what she had actually tried to do. In her moment of deep, dark depression, she just wanted to end it all, and now seeing his face, it made her upset that her feelings were so bad that she risked never seeing him again, and ending her life so young. She was upset and for the first time, worried about herself.

"Are you unhappy? Is there something that… that pushed you to do this?" Punk asked her, "Someone?" He wondered, just trying his best to understand.

"N-No… I just…" AJ placed her hand on her forehead and sighed.

"April." AJ's doctor smiled softly as he walked into the room, "How are we doing?" The doctor, Jeff asked, standing at the bottom of the bed.

AJ just nodded in response because she couldn't think of a word to describe how she was actually doing. She thought this whole situation was pretty self-explanatory of how she was feeling, "Tired?" Jeff asked her.

"Yeah." AJ nodded quietly as Punk sighed.

"Ok." Jeff nodded, "I'll give you a few hours to come around, get you something to eat and drink if you feel like it… then you'll be given a psych evaluation, April." He said as AJ just nodded, not surprised at all, "It's best if April does this alone." He nodded to Punk.

"Yeah, sure." Punk understood.

"The most important thing right now, April. Is that you're here with us." He nodded, "I know maybe that wasn't your intention, but… now we can give you help that you need." He assured her as AJ just nodded, "You're not alone." He nodded as she just forced a smile and nodded, watching as he left the room as her smile faded. She supposed that was part of the problem. She had been good at putting a smile on her face, especially with Punk and Dean, which is why they probably didn't notice anything. She thought she could handle it on her own, that the feelings of overwhelming highs and lows would go away, but they were only getting worse, to the point where this was where she now was.

"I'm right here." Punk nodded, leaning forward and kissing her head as she closed her eyes and sighed, gripping his hand tightly, never wanting to let go.

"Ben, what are you doing here?" AJ shook her head, watching as her husband walked into the hotel room as Dean stood up from the bed and folded his arms.

"You should read the papers." Ben said, "Phil Brooks' new attorney revisits case. Quite the story." Ben nodded, "You forget these people are everywhere?" He asked her, dumping his suitcase down, "Why'd you lie to me?"

"I know you would have wanted me to stay out of it so… I thought it'd be best if you didn't know." AJ said whilst Dean stood over in the corner, discretely listening in to the conversation without making it noticeable.

"I'd want you to stay out of it because you can't fight evidence with nothing, April." Ben said, "The man is guilty. There's nothing for you to investigate here." He shook his head as Dean looked up.

"I'm Phil's brother, just so you know." Dean eyed him as Ben just nodded with little interest.

"Well… hi, nice to meet you." Ben just nodded to him.

"Look, I know Phil. He didn't do this." AJ shook her head, "We're already onto something with the CCTV footage that was used." AJ nodded, "It's promising. Really promising." She said, "You don't know him like I do."

"I'm aware of that, AJ. But this had nothing to do with you. What… what are you still hung up on him or something?" He asked.

"No." AJ gasped immediately, "I'm married to you." She said, angry that he would say something like that whilst Dean just smiled to himself in the corner.

"Have you saw him?" Ben asked.

"A few times, yeah. About the case." AJ said, "There is nothing going on here besides me trying to save an innocent man's life." AJ said, "There are things that are being overlooked, and missed, and as much as you hate me saying it… I know Phil, maybe better than anyone… he didn't do this." AJ shook her head as Ben sighed, placing his hands on his hips, "Now you can fight with me over this if you want, but I'm still gonna go and get answers." She said.

"You don't know what you're digging into." Ben said, "You remember anything from law school? You can't represent someone if you're dead." He said.

"No one is gonna die." AJ shook her head, "I'm good at my job. I can figure this out. We've got three months. That's a lot of time." She said.

"A quick question…" Dean interrupted, "You saw about this in the paper? How'd you know we were staying here?" He asked, looking Ben in the eye as Ben looked back.

"I… I called the hotels around the area, to see if AJ was staying in any." Ben told him as Dean just leered across at him.

"Dean, could you… give us a minute?" AJ asked him as Dean just nodded, walking through them both and leaving the room.

"You lied to me, April. You never lie." Ben shook his head, folding his arms.

She'd met him in her last year of law school and things just took off from there. They were compatible in their line of work, and he took her for what she had left to offer. She never thought she would date again after Punk, but he was kind and gentle, and very good to her, which made it hard for her to lie to him like this.

"I'm sorry. I just… I didn't want you to worry and I didn't want it to become a fight between us." She said, "But I can't not do anything. And not because I still have feelings for him… but because I can't watch an innocent man die."

"How do you know he's innocent?" Ben asked.

"Because I know him. I know Phil. He's not a killer." She said, "He's a lot of things but he's not a killer, and we're getting somewhere, finally… I'm meeting with a potential suspect tomorrow. We think he tampered with the footage to make it look like Phil was rubbing blood on his pants, and he deleted the frame of him planting the pants in his room." AJ nodded.

"So there is something to go on?" Ben asked as AJ nodded.

"Baby, he's innocent. Believe me." AJ said as Ben sighed and nodded.

"I do believe you." Ben nodded, "And… if I'm here, I can help you." He said as AJ looked up at him.

"You don't have to-"

"No, if you believe he's innocent then I do too." Ben nodded, "Two attorneys are better than one, right?" He asked as she smiled softly and nodded.

"Yeah." She smiled, wrapping her arms around him as he hugged her back.

"Just don't lie to me." He said, running his hand down the back of her head.

"I'm sorry." AJ said, looking up at him, leaning up and pressing a kiss against his lips.

"Why is he here?" Punk asked, sitting across from Dean in the closed visitation room later that day. After Ben had arrived, AJ explained to Dean that he was going to help them, and that they were going to go for lunch so she could explain to him what they had found so far. He didn't argue against it, it was her husband after all, but he wasn't all that keen on Ben, and he'd only saw him for a few minutes.

"He found out AJ was out here looking into the case." Dean said, "Now he's helping us apparently." He shook his head.

"What is he like?" Punk asked.

"Uh… he's fine, I guess." Dean shrugged, trying not to be problematic, "I only saw him for a few minutes. Good looking. Raised on the right side of the tracks, you know."

"Unlike us?" Punk smirked as Dean nodded.

"Yeah, well… we were on the wrong side for most of the time." Dean said as Punk nodded, "He seems alright. I don't wanna be pissy just because of you. If she's happy with him, then whatever." Dean shrugged as Punk just nodded, "And if he's gonna help, that's more people on your side." He said.

"Yeah." Punk nodded, "You said you're meeting the guy who you think messed with the footage?" He asked.

"Yeah, tomorrow." Dean said, "if it was him, it means that you must have been in the hotel room the same time the pants were. What do you remember doing the night you got to the hotel, before you went out with the guys?" He asked.

"I walked into my room, I changed my jeans to another pair, changed my t-shirt and left." Punk said.

"So you didn't go into the bathroom? Odds are the pants were there when you were in the room then." He said.

"But… how would that guy know that I was going straight out?" Punk asked, "How did he know I wouldn't take a shower or something and end up seeing the pants?" He asked.

"Maybe he took a chance." Dean shrugged, "I don't know. Hell, this could all fall through and this guy we meet might just be some… technician geek who had nothing to do with it, but it's the most we've got so far." Dean nodded.

"Be careful, yeah?" Punk sighed, "I mean, what if this is him?" Punk asked, suddenly, for the first time, finding a tiny bit of hope since he was imprisoned.

"Then we'll get the son of a bitch and you'll be exonerated." Dean nodded as Punk sighed to himself, trying not to let it get to his head too much, there was always a possibility that it would fall through, "We got something here, and if this falls through, we'll find something else. Ok? Everyone has just took a back seat now because it seems so clear that it was you. No one was ever looking for something else, to prove it wasn't." He said, "So we'll find something. Even if it's just something that gives you a little more time until we can get more." He nodded.

"How is AJ doing?" Punk asked, "If she gets too stressed, you know she could-"

"Yeah, she's alright." Dean assured him, "She's healthy, if that's what you're getting at." Dean said as Punk nodded, "She's out with the hubby just now." He remarked. He personally wouldn't be able to take it serious, but he would respect it as much as he could. She had clearly moved on. That was fine.

"Make sure you trust this guy. I don't want him to get in her head and then… she ends up not believing me anymore." Punk said.

"Hey, she knows fine well you didn't do it. No one can convince her otherwise." Dean said, "Still loves you, I reckon." Dean nodded as Punk just shook his head.

"She's married." Punk said.

"What's your point?" Dean raised a brow, "C'mon. You two never wanted to split up. Things just got in the way, got ugly and you both gave up. It used to be just… the three of us against everyone." Dean recalled and smiled.

"We're not eighteen anymore." Punk said, "And I'm also on death row. It's safe to say things aren't like they used to be." Punk said, "She moved on, I gotta respect that. She deserved to be happy." He nodded as Dean sighed, looking across at him and nodding.

"Yeah. So do you, man." Dean reminded him as Punk looked up at him, "So do you." Dean nodded.

"I can't believe she… she never told me." AJ shook her head, sitting on the couch in Dean and Punk's apartment, having just gotten home from the hospital a few days ago, after being there for a surprising few weeks.

After being evaluated, it was revealed to her that her own mother had been dealing with bipolar disorder since she was her age, and saying that, she was then given the same diagnosis after spending a few weeks in the hospital with different councillors, doctors and specialists.

It was a shock, for all of them, but AJ wasn't disheartened by it, in fact, being diagnosed was like a breath of fresh air, because all of that suffering that had been going on for the past few months, the suffering that was weighing her down, there was a reason for it, and now she could really properly deal with it.

Looking back, she did spot different symptoms, even before dating Punk, before she even moved to New Jersey, but that was only because she was looking for them now.

"Maybe she was scared." Punk said, sitting next to her on the couch. It had taken him a little bit of time to wrap it around his head, as well as Dean. But none of it changed their relationship. He still loved her the same. He still cared about her, and he vowed to be there for her.

"It all makes sense." AJ nodded, "All the strange breakdowns she'd have." She sighed to herself.

"Still doesn't make it right the way she treated you." Punk shook his head as AJ nodded.

"Yeah, I know." AJ said.

"You uh… you promise me that… you'll talk to me?" Punk turned to her as she looked at him, "I can't lose you… you know." Punk said, "So… I'm here, throughout all of this. You can always turn to me." He nodded, "I don't want you to feel helpless like that again." He said as AJ nodded.

"I just… I couldn't handle it. It wasn't anything to do with you. I'm still learning about it all. I… I have medication. A therapist. You and Dean." AJ said, "I'll get through it. Might not be easy. It's not gonna go away, is it?" She shrugged, "But it's not gonna change anything between us." She nodded.

She thanked her lucky stars that she had been blessed with such an amazing boyfriend. She didn't think it was possible to love him even more, but she did, these past few weeks had been extremely difficult, for both of them, and he'd been there for her throughout the full thing when she really needed him. To be loved really helped her at this time, and with him, she felt like she could still have a normal life, even if she was bipolar. He didn't make her feel different, and neither did Dean. She was glad to have them.

"I always got you." Punk nodded to her as she smiled, shuffling over to him and cuddling into his side as he smiled, laying down on the couch with her.

"I could take a nap right now." She whispered as he nodded tiredly.

"Yeah, me too." Punk said, kissing her head as she smiled. She knew what she was up against, but with him, she didn't feel so alone anymore. She only wished she'd let him into how she was feeling before trying to take her life. But she was just glad she was still here, and anything they faced they would face together. They weren't little kids anymore with a crush. It was much much more than that.

A/N: Let me know what you think!