Connor pulled the bill of his hat further down over his eyes and crept through the back door of his dorm building. He started racing up the stairs, taking them two at a time. The more time that he spent outside, the more skittish that he felt. Once he was inside his room, though, the door shut behind him, he felt better. But not as good as he could feel. The feeling of sanctuary that had once come over him from walking in his front door had now been transferred to Jude's. Connor felt, somewhere in the back of his mind, that it was a mistake to be like that, but there was no part of him that was in a hurry to fix it.

It was mostly selfish, he acknowledged. He wanted a place where he felt safe; he wanted a place where he felt happy. That was how he was at Jude's. It was warm, full of life and light. It was so different from this room, which was starting to have a deserted air about it. It smelt musty and stale, which Connor shouldn't have been surprised about. He barely spent any time here anymore; it was just where he wasted a few hours, on occasion, until Jude was finished with classes and it was time to drive him home. That wasn't the case tonight. There would be no Jude for him tonight. For the first time in weeks, Connor would have to fall asleep without him. The thought of that shouldn't have been as daunting as it was.

Connor pulled his bed down and dropped his bag on top of it, unpacking the things that he'd taken from Jude's. The switch between packing to go to Jude's for the night and then packing to leave Jude's to go home for a night hadn't even occurred to him until he was placing his journal on his sliver of counter space and pulling Ampelos – squished as he was – out of his bag and placing it on his pillow.

Connor sat down on his comforter and looked around. The walls were plain, the bed was neatly made, there was no personality. Nothing personal. That had been the point. Of course, it was the point. But it still made him sad, especially compared to Jude's, with its eclectic decorating and family photos. Connor wanted that but he couldn't have that. The only thing he carried was his wallet and he pulled it out now, sliding the pictures that he kept there out. The photo booth strip of he and Jude came out first and Connor was relieved, now, that he had another copy. One that Jude didn't know about. He would never have to admit to what he had done with his photos. He knew that would hurt Jude, like everything else he'd done had hurt Jude.

The next photo underneath was one of Adam, a new one. It felt more obligatory than everything else in his wallet but the more time that he spent in his father's life again, the more that feeling faded. The last photo in his wallet, and the oldest, was of he and his mother, when she was in the hospital, just after giving birth to him. He didn't feel like he was the baby in that photo most of the time – he felt like she had to be looking at something or someone else, for that kind of love to be on her face – but he liked to look at it and imagine that, if she were to see him one more time, she would still look at him that way.

Connor fell back onto his bed, his head resting on Ampelos's plush body instead of on his pillow. Ampelos smelt of Connor's deodorant and of Jude's apartment. The elephant's silk ear tickled Connor's nose and he sighed, hoping that Jude was having a good visit with Mariana. He stared at his ceiling for a very short minute and then he fumbled for his cell phone, quickly dialling and then holding the phone to his ear.

"Hey, Dad."

"Connor, hi! I didn't expect to hear from you. Is everything all right?"

"It's fine. I just … It's been a few days since we spoke. Um. Are you busy?"

"Well, no," Adam said. "I've some time."

Connor waited.

"Rachel and I have a date tonight."

"That's good."

"It is," Adam said. "I think I really like this woman, Connor."

"D-d-does, um, she like you?"

"I think she does. I was hoping that, if she and I are still seeing one another by the time you and Jude come to visit, that you would like to meet her."

"Really?"

"Yes," Adam said, and he sounded amused. "Really. You're important to me and if you and she don't get along, then, clearly she's not the person that I should be spending my time with."

That surprised Connor. He wouldn't have thought of Adam as someone who would cut off a relationship like that, especially not for him.

"What does she know about me?" Connor asked.

"How old you are. She's seen your pictures in the house. I told her you went to NYU and that was where you met Jude. Um, I think I told her that you're a good cook and I told her about how smart you are. Just little things like that."

Connor inhaled sharply. "She knows about Jude?"

"Is that a problem?"

"Dad, what if he hears that I'm with someone else. That would make him even more determined –"

"Connor, don't you think that's a little paranoid?"

Probably. Connor could admit that. It didn't mean he was in the wrong. "Dad, I just need to make sure Jude's safe. Something happening to me is different. I expect that. But it's not fair to him. Sometimes I think I shouldn't have gone back to him at all, depending on how this all ends."

"You might never see him again."

"I might not," Connor agreed. "But there's no way for me to know. As long as he's out there and alive, I'll always have to wonder."

"I'm sorry."

Connor was too, but he had no idea what to say to Adam about it.

"She knows Jude exists," Adam said, "but I didn't tell her that you two were in a relationship. I referred to him as your 'closest friend in school'."

Connor frowned, suspicious now of Adam's tone. "But …"

"But?"

He almost dropped it; he almost didn't want to fight about it. Except, it wasn't like he wanted to keep Jude a secret. Before his ex had gotten out of prison, Connor had been happy to be with Jude, particularly in public, because Jude had been so happy to be out with him. He was proud to be Jude's boyfriend, proud that he had someone like Jude in his life.

"But why would you call him that with no reason to?" Connor said in a rush.

"I don't know what you mean," Adam said, but to Connor's ears, he sounded dismissive, as if he knew what he had done wrong but was trying to avoid talking about such things.

"If you think I'm being paranoid by hiding my relationship," Connor said, fighting to keep his voice even, "why wouldn't you just tell Rachel about my boyfriend?"

The stony silence on the other end of the phone was more than enough of an answer.

"You still don't like the fact that I'm gay, do you?"

"It's not like that. I accept you, Connor, and I love you, but, you're right. After Christmas, after actually seeing you and Jude together, I had to revaluate some things."

Some things, Connor thought bitterly. Like whether or not he truly loved his son?

"It's not that I don't love you, Connor, but it was easier to think about you and Jude in theory than to actually see you kiss him. And then, over Christmas, to discuss those things about your mother –"

"She was in love with a woman, Dad, that's not a crime."

"I know. I mean, I want to know. I was a bad father and I know that I am a bad person. Prejudices die hard."

"Not if you just care about people!"

"And it's hard to see you with a man knowing what happened last time you were with one."

"So, what? I'm supposed to turn straight because a man hurt me?" Connor asked. "Do you know how hard it is to be with Jude after what I've been through? Do you know what a good man he has to be to put up with me for that? He says he loves me and that is the hardest thing I've ever had to face since leaving my ex, but, you know what? He's not going to hurt me. He's not what I expect because he is a good person. A good man! And even though I can't say it because of a bad man, I am happy to be with him. He means that much to me. You could learn something from him!"

"Connor –"

"No," Connor whispered. "No. I'm going to hang up now, Dad."

"Connor, I love you –"

"You too."

Connor hung up right after that. He grabbed the sweatshirt he had stolen from Jude that morning before leaving and wrapped it around his pillow, not even bothering to put it on. He put himself under his blankets without taking off his jeans and pulled Ampelos into his arms. His tears started to wet the sweatshirt and he hoped that Jude was having a far better night with his sister than Connor had with his father.

(-.-)

Jude watched Mariana fork the last of her shepherd's pie into her mouth.

"Is there more?" she asked.

"No. It's leftovers from Connor, sorry."

"I see why you keep him around."

Mariana smiled at him, but there was a forced edge to it. Jude understood. When it was the two of them, in pain, it was hard to ignore the source of that pain. It was hard not to see Callie's face, no matter how he angled the family photos that lined his small bookshelf.

"It's not the only reason," Jude retorted, and then he realized how defensive he sounded. "Sorry."

"It's okay, I know that you care about him," Mariana said softly.

"You don't think I'm stupid for taking him back, after how he left me?"

"No," Mariana said. "Some people stay with you. Do you think you're stupid?"

Jude shook his head. "I really love him."

"And that's all that matters. You have to hold on to the people you love, right?"

"Yeah." Jude thumbed the counter. "Unless they're the wrong people."

"We're not talking about Connor anymore," Mariana guessed, but Jude still shook his head. "Talk to me, Jude. You've been so on your own, lately."

"I haven't been on my own," Jude protested, but he knew that wasn't what she had meant. "Would you ever speak to her again?"

"Taylor?"

"Yeah. If she was your friend, not mine. Would you ever speak to her again?"

"I don't know." Mariana tucked her hair behind her ear. "I mean, I know Taylor. I liked her. But I … I can't forgive. I wouldn't be able to talk to her if she showed up in front of me now."

"Moms did."

"Moms are a different kind of human," Mariana said. "If they weren't none of us would have ever been adopted."

"That's true."

"You don't have to forgive her," Mariana said. "Especially not so quickly. Just because you were friends –"

Jude held up his hand. He'd heard it all before. He'd thought it all before. Rehashing that with Mariana now wasn't going to be helpful. "I can't forgive me, either," Jude whispered.

"Forgive you? For what? You didn't do anything."

"I'm the reason Taylor was there at all. Callie thought there was something wrong, I didn't." Jude stared down at his knees, unable to meet Mariana's face. He didn't know what he would see there. "I met Taylor in the first place. I should have been more aware of her. Of what was going on."

"That's why you haven't been talking to us?" Mariana gasped. "Do you really blame yourself for this?"

"It's on me. It is. I should have … I could have … I –"

"No!" Mariana grabbed him into a hug, strong and almost suffocating. "No! None of us blame you for this. None of us think that it was on you!"

"What if it was?"

"But it's not! It's not, Judicorn. I promise you, we don't blame you and you shouldn't either! It was all Taylor's decision. You didn't have any responsibility. She is a grown woman with the power of her own decisions and she made the absolute wrong one. This is not your fault."

Jude knew she meant that and it felt like a wave of relief. His knees felt like jelly and, even though he didn't want to cry, a few tears slipped out against the silky material of Mariana's shirt. He sniffled and inhaled her perfume; it was far more than Callie always wore. His heart constricted and he felt sick and guilty for thinking that she was the wrong sister. He loved Mariana, of course he loved Mariana, but she was not Callie and it was Callie that he wanted.

"I'm so sorry," he whimpered.

"You've got nothing to be sorry for," Mariana said, "as long as you make it to the next family dinner."

Jude wanted to laugh so badly because he knew she was just trying to make things light, but he just ended up choking on his tongue. He inhaled again and felt Mariana's shoulder shake.

"I miss her too," Mariana said. "We all do. But we miss you too. You've felt so far away from us. Moms have been talking so much about you and about how worried they are that you're just going to cut yourself off from us."

"I didn't want you to hate me the way that I hate me."

"Don't," Mariana warned him. "Don't do that to yourself when no one else is."

"I just didn't want to be sent away."

"None of us would ever do that to you!" Mariana shook him. "You are family, Jude, and that's not going to happen. No one thinks you could have done more."

"But maybe if I had –"

"Don't do this to yourself," Mariana instructed, much more harshly this time. "Don't, okay. I love you."

"I love you too."

Mariana pressed a kiss to his head and it felt almost maternal. "Callie loves you."

That was when Jude lost it completely, but Mariana never let go of him. He could never forget that it was her and that it wasn't Callie, but he closed his eyes and, for a moment, just tried to pretend that his family was whole again.

(-.-)

"Dad, you don't have to apologize," Connor said, curling Ampelos' ears around himself so that he could slide the elephant into his bag. He was almost ready to go.

"I just don't want to think that I don't love and support you or that I don't like Jude," Adam said. "I am glad you were able to find someone who is able to help you the way Jude has. You have found someone good for you and I'm glad."

"Are you trying to convince you or me?" Connor asked, and he surprised himself with his own bitterness.

"It's how I honestly feel. It's just that sometimes there's a reflex and it's a terrible thought and I can't stop it. Then I remember how I really feel and how things are now. The first thought isn't what's real. Does that make any sense to you, Connor?"

It did. He knew what it was like to not be able to trust his thoughts. He just didn't know how far he would go in likening his trauma to Adam's reformation.

"I understand that you're trying, Dad, and that's enough for me." It was the truth, most of the time."

"I'm always here for you," Adam added.

"I know. Thank you. Um, I'm on my way out."

"Okay. Well, have a good day and I'll talk to you soon. I love you, Connor."

"You too."

Connor hung up his phone and quickly gathered his things. He scurried down to the basement and pulled his bike out of storage. He glanced around, shoving his sunglasses higher up on his face. There wasn't anyone around. No one suspicious. No one strange. But he still didn't take a straight path to Jude's. He took a wandering one around campus before getting on the main road to Jude's apartment. He pedalled quickly and soon he was locking his bike to Jude's deck and pushing his key into the lock. The door swung open and Jude was curled on the couch, his eyes half open.

"Hey, baby."

Connor shut the door behind hi. "You look tired."

"I am. Mariana and I were up late."

Connor slipped off his shoes and dropped his bag by the door. He walked over to the couch and slid behind Jude. Jude curled his legs back and tangled them around Connor's legs. Connor buried his face against the back of Jude's neck.

"In a good way?"

"I was being dumb, thinking they would hate me. It doesn't mean I don't still feel like I blame me but I guess I just had to hear it from her. I mean, out of all of us, Mariana's the best at talking to everyone and I know that she would know if anyone was feeling that way. I thought of how she could just be lying to me but there'd be nothing to gain from that. She's right. The fault is with Taylor. And I have to go to the next family dinner but that's going to be nice, I think. I hope."

"It will be."

"Mmm," Jude agreed sleepily and he held Connor's hand. "How was your night?"

"It's been too long since I spent a night alone," Connor admitted.

"You miss it?"

"No. I tossed all night. My bed was too small, my pillows too flat, and there was no you. I think that was the worst part."

"I love you," Jude said. "I really do."

Connor's heart skipped and thudded harder against his chest. He squeezed Jude's hand.

"Is everything okay?"

"Not totally. Not yet. But it's just going to get better, right?"

"You're sounding like me," Connor said.

"And you're sounding like me."

"Maybe it's a sign we're too close."

"I don't think I could be too close to you."

Connor pressed a kiss to the back of Jude's neck and then Jude spun around in his arms, both of his hands pressed to Connor's chest.

"I missed you too last night," Jude added. "Mariana kicks. I think I'm going to get bruises, if I don't have them already. Will you kiss them better?"

Jude was sleepy and flirting, and Connor felt as though his heart swelled, just looking at him.

"Well," he said carefully, "where did she kick you?"

"My legs … mostly." Jude tugged at the front of Connor's shirt and repeated, "Mostly."

Connor pressed his forehead to Jude's. Jude was so warm and he seemed so much more at peace. He kissed Jude softly, letting one hand trail the length of Jude's torso and skimmed it down to rest on the curve of Jude's thigh.

"Your poor legs."

"Which is why I need you to kiss them better," Jude said. "Only you can do it."

"Oh, really?" Connor's thumb skimmed the thick material of Jude's sweatpants. It was simple, it was nice, it was what he wanted from a lazy afternoon in Jude's arms. "Why's that?"

"It's too cheesy for me to say you're magic, right?"

"Right," Connor said.

Jude laughed. "I still mean that, though."

"I'm sure." Connor bit his lip and then he pushed against Jude's side so that he was laying flat against the couch cushions. "All right."

"All right, what?"

"Let's see your legs." Connor hooked his hands on the sides of Jude's sweatpants but didn't pull them down, giving Jude the chance to say no. "Unless you'd rather keep them to yourself."

"No," Jude said. "You already have every part of me."

"That's also too cheesy."

"You loved that one a little more though."

Connor did and he nodded absently, but that wasn't what he was thinking about right now. He pulled slightly at the waist of Jude's sweatpants, his eyes falling on the material of Jude's underwear. He had wanted to make sure Jude was wearing some; wasn't prepared for Jude to not.

"You don't have to, baby."

But it wasn't as if he didn't want to. It wasn't as if this was one of the things that sent him spiralling in fear. It was just legs. He had seen Jude without his shirt on and that hadn't killed him. He liked that. This wasn't so different. It was just legs, not arms. Connor readjusted his hold on Jude's pants and then slid them down Jude's body, over his feet to hit the floor.

"Holy shi –" Jude started, and then he cut himself off, instead saying, "I don't think I expected you to do that."

Connor rested his hands on Jude's legs, the coarse hair tickling his palms slightly. He grinned crookedly at Jude and then looked down.

"You know, I don't see any bruises."

"Oh, they're there," Jude assured him.

Connor moved his hand to cup the back of Jude's calf, bending Jude's leg for him.

"I don't see any bruises, Jude."

"Maybe your presence just heals me."

"You are on a roll today."

"You bring out the best of me."

Connor laughed and he pressed his lips to Jude's knee. It felt natural and right.

"I think you are the best of me," Connor whispered. He put a hand on each of Jude's legs, just running them back and forth along the length of Jude's legs. Jude was so warm.

"Now who's being cheesy?"

"You still win," Connor replied.

"Yeah, okay, that's fair."

Connor touched his hand to the inside of Jude's thigh. The skin there was softer and he felt like his hands were too rough to touch Jude. More than that, he felt like he didn't know how to touch Jude the way that he deserved. That didn't stop him from touching Jude's other thigh, ghosting his fingertips along the skin there. He noticed the subtle twitch in the front of Jude's briefs and the simple movement excited him. The lack of fear was almost scary. One of Jude's legs stretched out and laid heavy across his lap. Acting on cautious instinct, Connor bent down and kissed Jude's other leg, low on the inside of Jude's thigh.

"So gentle, baby," Jude said. "I'm not going to break."

"I might," Connor said. "And I don't want to hurt you."

"I don't think you ever would."

"I don't want to. But even something accidentally …" Connor shook his head and whispered, "It almost always ended up hurting for me. I know that it doesn't always have to. Every now and then it didn't and those were the only times that I liked. And if we're going to, um, do anything like that, I just want to make sure that it's good for you. I don't want you to end up the same way that I did." Connor glanced up. "Wh-wh-why are you looking at me like that?"

"Because I love you," Jude said, pushing himself up so that he was sitting. "Because I can't believe you're real. How are you that amazing?"

Connor brushed his lips against Jude's cheek. "That's what I think about you all the time."

"I love you," Jude said again.

Connor pressed his lips to Jude's, just wanting to feel his body close to his. Jude's hands rested against Connor's chest and Connor pressed against him, his mouth whispering against Jude's. Connor brushed one hand through Jude's soft strands of hair. Everything about Jude was soft; he was soft and wonderful. And it was times like these that Connor could hardly believe that Jude was a real person in his life. He was far luckier than he deserved. Jude's arms slid around him as Connor gently laid Jude down on the couch. Jude squirmed so that he was laying on Connor's arms, their noses almost touching. Connor tried not to disturb Jude as he spread the plaid blanket over the two of them; he didn't want Jude's legs to get cold.

"You look so tired," Connor whispered. "You should nap."

"Yeah," Jude agreed. "Doesn't mean I want to, now that you're here."

"I'll still be here when you wake up."

"I know," Jude said. "I love that too."

Connor curled his arm around Jude's back, slowly massaging his fingers through Jude's hair. Jude's eyelids drooped and, finally, they closed completely. His breathing evened and he snorted slightly in his sleep. Connor pressed a kiss to Jude's forehead, mostly catching the strands of his hair. It made him happy to do it and he also like the thought of Jude doing so when Connor fell asleep first. Connor wasn't feeling sleepy in the slightest, but he settled in for several hours of not moving, watching the real estate reality show that Connor felt certain Mariana had been watching before she'd left and Jude had never bothered to change. He glanced at the remote, but it was too far away for him to grab, not that it mattered.

Jude tried to turn in his sleep but then his body seemed to realize it had nowhere to go and he flopped against Connor again. Connor's arms were going numb, but just like with the remote, he didn't dare move. Jude was so amazing and so trusting and as Connor stared at his sleeping face. Connor's heart ached as he thought of the time they had spent apart. He had missed this and if Jude wasn't as incredible as he was, Connor might not have ever have been able to come back here again.

A tear slipped down Connor's cheeks; he just couldn't fathom the thought of it. With Jude was where he belonged. Carefully, Connor reached down and took Jude's heavy hand in his own. This was where his heart belonged.

The chapter's title is after the song Daydream by Ruelle. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~