Jude parked his car behind Lena's. He reached for his car door and then he just ended up pressing his forehead to the steering wheel, sucking in a deep breath. He wished that Connor were with him but he also knew that he had to do it on his own. He couldn't hide behind his boyfriend to face his family and he knew that it wasn't the right time to bring Connor. It was going to be the first time they had all been together since Callie's funeral. Not everyone was here yet but he was already paining over her absence. She should be here too.
He lifted is head and opened Gerald's door, shutting it gently behind him. He walked slowly up to the front door and let himself in. He could hear Jesus and Mariana already in the living room. He rounded the corner, itching from the way that they turned to stare at him. The conversation should just continue to flow, not cut off until he found a place to sit. He felt like he had to break the silence, even though his mothers were sitting right there.
"You stopped shaving again," he said to Jesus. He had come without his scraggly facial hair to the funeral.
"I think I like it better this way," Jesus responded quietly.
"You always look very handsome to us," Stef said.
"Thanks, Mom," Jesus said, in the long-suffering tone of a child.
Before Jude could really start to think about how awkward everything was, when it was clear to all of them that they were not going to speak of Callie even though she was on everyone's mind, the front door opened again.
"B?" Stef called. "Is that you?"
"Yeah. I stopped off and got the carrots, like you asked for."
"Thank you," Lena called.
Brandon shuffled by into the kitchen and, in Jude's opinion, took his sweet time joining the rest of them in the living room. Jude didn't think he blamed Brandon for that. He loved his family but it was sad to be with them, especially in Stef's and Lena's house, where Callie had been happiest, where photos of Callie still littered every surface. Family photos would still be taken and the rest of them would age, but Callie had been frozen in time. Jude looked down at his socks. He wanted to shake that thought but it was the only thing on his mind when he was sitting here with them.
Brandon finally joined them and with everyone there, Mariana and Moms began exchanging significant looks. Jude watched them glance back and forth twice and he was on the verge of asking what was going on when Mariana cleared her throat.
"Jude, uh, we decided something."
"Yeah? What's that?"
"Well, we have something for you, more like," Jesus said.
Jude glanced at Brandon; he was the one most likely to give something away, if only because he usually wasn't as invested in things that were going on with Jude. But Brandon's face remained pale and impassive. Lena was the one who leant forward and placed a cloth bag on his lap. A soft scent puffed up from the bag – lightly floral. Callie's perfume. His heart constricted and Jude pulled the bag open. Inside, was Callie's hard-shelled camera case and some of her other accessories. He opened the bag and pulled the camera out; he was always surprised at how much it weighed.
"Thank you," he whispered, trying not to choke on his tongue. He pulled the camera out all the way, wondering what to do with it now. "We should take a photo. All of us."
It was what she would have wanted him to do with it.
He took his time turning the camera on, making sure the settings were right, lacking the confidence that Callie always had with it. When his family was settled around him, he stretched out his arm as far as it would go, making sure to capture every face. He put on his best smile and, after the photo had been taken and the poses had been dropped, he looked at the picture. It looked almost genuine. He was sure it would fool someone but he just thought it looked empty, much like the picture felt empty.
Lena gently rubbed his shoulder. "Callie would be very proud that you had that."
"Thank you," Jude whispered and he pressed his face against her side.
"Mariana talked to us about your visit," Lena continued in a whisper. Jude nodded as best as he could. "You aren't responsible. I wish you would have talked to us sooner."
"I know, I should have. I was just scared you would turn me away."
"You're our baby," Lena said. "We could never."
Jude rested his head in her lap. In his hands, he turned the camera over, imagining Callie doing the same thing.
"I guess I'm going to have to figure this out."
"We'll help," Lena promised him. "We will."
"I know." Jude felt tears gathering in his eyes and he quickly picked up the camera, pressing it to his eye and holding it up, taking a snapshot of Lena.
"You'll be okay, Jude."
"Probably," Jude agreed.
Someday.
(-.-)
Connor shook his highlighter and pressed it to the page again but it was dead. Connor capped it and leant his head back, stretching his spine. He sat up and checked the time on his phone. He had been studying for the entire six hours that Jude had been gone. He folded up his notebook and his textbook and pushed them to the side of the counter, going into the kitchen and popping last night's leftovers into the microwave for himself. Connor glanced out the small front window. It was dark now and he wondered what time he could expect Jude home.
He hoped it was soon, for his selfish reasons, but he also would be happy if Jude wanted to stay out until late, because it meant that he was having a good time with his family and Connor wanted that for him. He knew Jude needed it. Even if he preferred for Jude to be home. Connor ate his quiet dinner and, after cleaning the dishes, Connor started tending to his cactuses. He only had to give one the slightest bit of water. They didn't require that much care, as much as liked to take care of them. Not for the first time, he idly wondered if he'd be better off with a pet instead of plants. His dorm room didn't allow for anything other than a singular small fish and he had no idea what Jude's lease was like or if Jude would even want a pet.
Perhaps he should just try to grow a different kind of flower. Perhaps there was something that Jude was partial to. It would only be fitting, since the pot would almost certainly end up in his house or on his small deck.
Connor pressed his pinkie finger into the soil of the last pot, angling his hand to avoid the worst of the spikes. The dirt was still damp and so he simply turned the cactus a little so a different side of it would get sunlight and then he had to leave the plants alone. He collected his journal and went over to the couch. He had just flicked on the TV, wondering if there was anything he'd want to watch, when the door opened. Connor jumped to his feet.
"Jude?"
Jude kicked off his shoes and put a beige bag on his nightstand. Connor turned with Jude's movements.
"Jude, how did it go?"
Jude's face was impassive as he crept up to Connor. He wrapped both of his arms around Connor, ducking his face to hide in Connor's shoulder. Connor's heart constricted; it must not have gone well. Jude pushed at him gently so that he fell to the couch, and then Jude straddled his lap, never looking up. His shoulders shook.
"Good or bad?"
Jude finally lifted his head and a smile broke out over his face. "It was good!"
"Really?"
"Really!" Jude said and he nodded happily. "I … I really can't believe I feel this good."
"What happened?"
"It was awkward. We ate. We sat around the table and it wasn't what it should have been. They gave me Callie's camera and … and then Mariana just started talking. About … about the first Christmas we spent with Stef and Lena. And then it just didn't stop. We just kept talking and talking and it felt like there was so much of her in the room. Like she was with us again. It was the best I've felt around them since before she died. I feel like … like I can go back to them now. Like things are going to be okay, in the end, with you and with my family, at least."
"I'm glad."
Jude's eyes met his. "But?"
"But, what?"
"Are you going to be mad if I ask about Taylor?"
Jude made a face. "I have to think about her, now."
"Why?"
"Right before I left Brandon … Brandon asked if it was okay if he talked to her. He said he knew Moms had and he was just going to go but with how he and feel about each other, he said it didn't feel right to him to just go without talking to me about it, because of how close Callie and I were and because of how Taylor was my best friend. So, I have to decide."
"What do you think you're going to say?"
"I think I'm going to say that if he needs it to feel like he can heal, then he can go but, that, unless I ask, I don't want to hear about what they said to each other."
"That's mature."
"Unexpectedly?"
Jude quirked an eyebrow up and Connor grinned up at him. He was so glad to see that Jude was happy and smiling.
"No. I'm so proud of you."
"Thanks, baby. I love when you say things like that."
Connor pressed a kiss to Jude's jaw.
"What did you do today?"
"I just studied. It was kind of boring."
"Want to have fun with me?" Jude asked.
"What kind of fun?"
"We'd have to go back outside."
"Okay," Connor agreed. "Let's go."
He wanted to keep that smile on Jude's face and he would have done nearly anything for it. Jude wasn't the type of person who ever deserved to be sad and after so long of watching him struggle to be happy, Connor wasn't going to take that away from him in the slightest. And he adored Jude's smile. He pressed a kiss to the side of Jude's mouth and Jude laughed lightly. He grabbed Connor's hands and pulled him out the door, the two of them barely stopping to put on their shoes. Jude locked the door and then they were out the door. Jude led the way up the hill to Gerald and opened Connor's car door for him with a flourish.
Connor sunk into the passenger seat. "Thank you."
"You're welcome."
Jude carefully shut the door and Connor pulled his seatbelt on. Jude got into the driver's side and peeled back onto the road.
"Jude, where are we going?"
"Going to get a snack. Will you put some happy music on, baby?"
Connor plugged his phone into the car's radio. "What kind of snack?"
"You have a choice."
"Yes?"
"Gelato or churros?"
"Oh. Do you have a preference?"
"It's your turn to pick."
"Um. Let's do churros. Um, with chocolate."
"How else would you have churros?" Jude asked, turning slightly to smile at Connor.
Connor grinned happily back and then he reached out, gently brushing Jude's elbow. Jude's hand fell away from the wheel to reach out and hold Connor's hand. Connor brushed his thumb along Jude's soft skin and glanced up at Jude's profile. He was happily singing along to the song, driving at the speed limit, and it was one of those rare moments that Connor felt truly thankful to be alive and being able to be in the spot he was in. Jude turned into the parking lot of a late-night bakery and the moment the car was off, Connor leant across the console and pressed his head to Jude's shoulder.
"You okay, baby?"
"Yeah and I'm really glad you are too."
Jude kissed the top of his head "I'll be right back."
"I'm not coming in?"
"Oh, you can. I was just picturing us going home with them. It's not like we're that far. You want to eat in or eat out?"
"Um. No, take it home. You're right."
Jude's apartment was home. It was so easy and natural to refer to it that way.
"How many churros do you want?"
"Not too many. I need to go to the gym."
"Well, if you're going to the gym, all the more reason to eat as many churros as you can!"
Connor laughed again and Jude left the car. Alone in the silence, Connor slumped down so that he couldn't be well seen and then tried to subtly peek out all of the windows. There were a few people milling about the parking lot but there wasn't anyone that jumped out at him. The longer time went on, the more he had to wonder if Adam was right. If he was just being too paranoid. But no one knew what his ex was up to now. He locked the doors of the car, watching the door of the bakery so that when Jude started walking out, a box in his hands, he could reach over and unlock the door for him.
"Hold this. Careful, though, it's hot."
Connor accepted the box into his lap, feeling the warmth seep into his leg. Jude rushed home, wanting to get them back to the apartment before the churros cooled. They were alone on the road and they made good time. They walked down the hill hand in hand and Connor almost hated to let go of Jude's warm skin so that Jude could open the door for them. Connor paused to lock the door while Jude flicked on some of the lamps for low lighting.
"Do you think we need plates?" Connor asked.
"We can just eat out of the box," Jude said. "Napkins, though."
Connor grabbed a pile of paper towels to use as napkins and then he took a spot on his usual stool. He went to open the box and then hesitated, instead waiting for Jude to sit next to him. It was only then that he opened the top of the box and let the sweet, fried scent of churros fill the room. Jude was quick to grab the container of thick chocolate sauce and pop it open.
"That smells really good too," Connor commented.
Jude picked up the first churro and dipped it and then held the end out to Connor.
"Sure?" Connor asked.
"Yeah, I bought, like, a million. Take a bite, baby."
Connor leant forward, taking the first bite of the churro. A trickle of chocolate ran down from the side of his mouth. Jude darted forward and licked it off his face and Connor laughed.
"Jude!"
"What? Is it that different from this?" Jude pressed a messy kiss to Connor's jaw.
"It's a little different." Connor dipped the other end of the churro in the chocolate. "Your turn."
Jude turned his head and took the churro from Connor, his lips brushing Connor's fingers. Connor dropped his hand, catching Jude's legs and pulling them up toward his own lap. Jude's legs were heavy as he leant into Connor, his stool wobbling beneath him.
"Careful," Connor warned.
"You'll catch me," Jude said confidently and instinctively, Connor put his hand against Jude's waist.
Jude laughed and picked up another churro, liberally coating it in chocolate sauce before popping it in his own mouth. Connor's eyes fell on the chocolate smeared along the top of Jude's lip and Connor remembered when he had baked a cake for Jude and he had gotten chocolate on him then; then, Jude had said that Connor had missed an opportunity to kiss the chocolate off him and Connor wasn't going to waste that opportunity now. He pressed his lips to Jude's and he heard the wobble of Jude's stool as Jude leant in even closer to him. Connor slipped his hand under Jude's shirt and the feel of his skin was something that Connor wanted more of. He thought of Jude's long legs and his pale torso and he wondered, seriously wondered, what it would be like to see all of him at once. Like Jude was running with his burst of happiness, Connor decided to run with that feeling.
"Jude," he whispered, "I want to try something."
"Okay," Jude agreed, his hand pressed the Connor's chest. "What is it?"
"I want … I want to see you n-naked," Connor stammered, feeling his cheeks go red. He trailed his hands up the inside of Jude's thigh. "I guess I just want to see you … Um, want to touch you."
"You mean that?"
Connor bent his head to press his lips tight to Jude's, trying to show him just what Connor was feeling on the inside right now, as Connor knew he didn't have the words to express himself clearly. Jude's breath caught and he pressed himself more and more toward Connor. Connor slid from the stool and pulled Jude toward him, picking him up.
"You can do whatever you want to me," Jude said, leaning his head back and letting out a laugh.
"I'm sure you have a limit."
"Oh, maybe," Jude said and he didn't sound convinced. "I'll let you know if I find it."
"Okay."
Connor put Jude down on the bed, letting him fall back against the mattress. Jude was smiling brightly at him. All the time Connor had spent trying not to equate the bed with sex or anything related to it but here they were. And Connor … wanted it. He surprised himself with liking the way that Jude was looking at him and he didn't hesitate as he pulled Jude's shirt over his head.
"You don't have to look so serious, baby," Jude said.
"Sorry. It's just …" Connor shook his head and then he let his hands wander up Jude's sides.
"Hard?"
"In more ways than one," Connor mused and he wasn't expecting Jude to laugh as exuberantly as he did.
The smile stayed on Jude's face, even as he leant up on his elbows and asked the serious question of, "Are you thinking of me or him?"
"I am thinking of you but, um, I am kind of thinking of how I felt with him. Of how something like this would probably hurt and … I don't want that for me. I don't want that for you."
"You're not going to hurt me. And I'm not going to hurt you. Trust me, okay? I trust you."
"You're the person I trust most in the world."
"And, smile, baby," Jude said, pressing his lips to Connor's. "I love you."
The kiss dashed away any of the hesitation that had begun to sink into him. He kissed Jude again, as deeply as he possibly could. He reached his hand down and touched the button on Jude's jeans, trying desperately not to flash back to the times he had done it before. It was Jude and it was the first time that he was going to go this far with Jude.
"You're not stripping me and staying clothed, are you?" Jude murmured as Connor pulled his zipper down.
"Uh, no?" Connor guessed. He wasn't sure. He hadn't gotten that far in his thoughts. He had only been thinking of Jude as he shook from the inside out from slight nerves and from definite excitement.
Jude gripped the bottom of Connor's shirt. "If you're going to see me naked, when am I going to get to see you naked?"
The fact that Jude was smiling and relaxed helped so much. It didn't have to be so serious.
"Not today?" Jude guessed.
"No. I … I just want to see how this goes first. This is going to be enough for tonight."
"Almost enough." Jude lifted the hem of his shirt. "I won't touch your head, I promise. Trust me."
"I'll trust you."
Even though he said it, he still ducked his head while Jude pulled at his shirt. It came over his head and he took a deep breath, realizing that he was safe. He was safe, everything was fine. Everything was more than fine. He was happy; excited. He pulled Jude's jeans free from his legs and didn't pause to think about where they were falling on the floor before he pushed himself all the way onto the bed, Jude's legs falling open around his hips as Connor covered Jude's body with his own. Jude's hand gripped tightly as his shoulder blade, pulling Connor down even more so there was no space between their bodies. Connor kissed Jude, feeling as if every part of his body was alive and being touched by Jude. Jude's hips jerked up into Connor and Connor dropped his hand, under Jude's thigh, sliding his fingers up under the leg of Jude's underwear. Jude gasped as Connor's fingers brushed against him and Connor retreated, his old fear sneaking back in. He pressed his lips to Jude's neck and was surprised when Jude moaned his name.
The low, guttural sound igniting something inside of him. Connor kissed Jude's neck again, thinking about how he had always wished to be touched and what he thought Jude would like. Because that was what was important to him. If Jude didn't like it, then he was doing something completely wrong. Jude reached down and grabbed one of Connor's hands. Connor grabbed tightly onto him, feeling anchored. He would hold onto Jude for as long as Jude wanted to hold onto him back. He kissed his way down Jude's body: his collarbone, along his chest, straight down across his stomach. Jude's breath hiccupped every time Connor touched his body, and he hoped it meant that was doing something right.
The edge of Connor's chin touched Jude's briefs and he felt a touch of the old fear come rushing back to him. But it was different. A different man; a different feeling. Connor moved out from between Jude's legs and used his free hand to start pulling his briefs down. Jude wiggled his body, trying to help, but Connor just ended up laughing, leaving Jude's underwear around his knees.
"You look like a slug!"
"My body or my –"
"Your body!" Connor cried, hiding his head against Jude's shoulder. "I wouldn't … I wouldn't have –"
But then he started laughing again, barely registering the bed squeak and corresponding flop that was Jude kicking his underwear free.
"I mean, I was hoping you wouldn't, but you surprise me so much, baby."
"In a bad way?" Connor asked, picking up his head to watch Jude's eyes as his fingers crept across the flesh of Jude's thigh.
"No, not in a bad way." Jude sounded breathless and his eyes flickered to Connor's lips.
Connor took a deep breath and pressed his lips to Jude at the same time that he took Jude's hardness into his hand, the delicate skin soft against his palm. A whimper sounded from Jude and when Connor started to move his hand, Jude sucked Connor's bottom lip into his mouth and Connor felt the brush of his teeth. He almost stopped cold, expecting a bite, expecting to feel his own blood fill his mouth. But it didn't come. Jude let go of him to draw in a breath, his hand tightening against Connor's so much it was almost painful but Connor didn't move. He just watched Jude's face as he rested his body against the side of Jude's. Jude's breath quickened, his hand gripping Connor's and the free one grasping at blankets. His hips thrust toward Connor's hand and Connor tried to move faster, tried to give him what he wanted. Connor kissed Jude's bare shoulder, because he wanted to touch him more. He wanted more of Jude's body, on him, around him. More.
"Oh," Jude gasped. "Connor, I'm going … I'm going to …"
"It's okay, it's okay," Connor said as Jude swore low under his breath.
Jude turned his head and Connor kissed him again, even as a low, needy whine came from Jude. Then, in his hand, Jude tensed and something warm hit Connor's palm. Connor tried to cup his hand and tried not to make a mess of the bed until Jude had finished shaking beneath him and relaxed back against the bed.
"I need to go wash my hands," Connor said.
Jude nodded and Connor scurried to the bathroom, quickly washing his hands, mostly because he wanted to be back with Jude. He heard Jude moving around in the other room but, when he finished taking off his jeans and sliding the sweatpants he'd been wearing last night back on, and walked back to Jude, Jude was almost in the same spot, now, though, he had his underwear back on. Connor crawled into bed next to Jude and Jude immediately turned into him, hooking his leg over Connor's and hiding in his chest.
"Was it bad?" Connor whispered.
"No!" Jude leant his head back and laughed. "No. It was good. I liked it." Concern crept into Jude's eyes. "What do you think?"
"I think I liked it. I know I liked making you feel that way. I … I just didn't want to hurt you."
"You didn't," Jude insisted. "It makes me want more. It makes me want to return the favour."
Jude kissed the long scar along the top of Connor's chest and nudged the front of his hips against Connor's, teasing Connor's own hardness.
"Not tonight. That was … enough for tonight."
Jude finally looked up at him, his brown eyes enough to melt Connor's heart. He smiled, sweet and teasing. "But we'll do it again?"
"Yeah," Connor replied, hardly believing he was saying it. "I think we'll do it again."
Jude's hand was hot on Connor's hip and slipped a few fingers under Connor's sweatpants, just enough to touch skin. Just enough to be a "Tease."
Jude shrugged, completely unapologetic. "Just a little. What are you going to do about it?"
Connor just kissed Jude's forehead, feeling Jude melt against him.
"I love you," Jude said, and then he pushed his leg down, turning Connor onto his back. Jude slung his legs over Connor's, sitting comfortable on top of him. "You know I mean that, right?"
"I think I've mostly accepted it," Connor agreed.
"Oh, that's romantic."
"Sorry," Connor murmured. "It's the truth, though. I'm … accepting."
"But you don't like it."
"Um. We-well, I, um, don't know if I'd say like. B-b-but, I um, think th-that if you said you'd, um, made a … a … a mistake, I would miss it."
He was relieved when Jude smiled at him and the slid his fingers down Connor's bare chest, pressing his left hand over Connor's heart.
"What are you doing?" Connor asked.
"I'm in love with you," Jude said and then a strange smile took over his face. "I wanted to feel if your heart would speed up."
"It pretty much always does." Connor pushed himself up on his hands to rub his nose against Jude's.
"Would churros at midnight make your heart speed up?" Jude asked, slightly curling his fingers into Connor's skin. He cocked his head to the side. "No, not really."
"Not really," Connor agreed. "But I will heat up the churros for you."
"How'd you guess that was what I wanted?"
"It's not hard." Connor ghosted his lips across Jude's cheek.
"Well, thanks baby, I love you."
"Okay, that's, like, three times in the past five minutes."
"I mean it more every time." Jude grinned wildly and Connor could almost count each of his bright teeth. "Okay, I'll wait for you here."
"Oh, no," Connor said. "You're not eating in bed because I'm not changing the bed or sleeping in crumbs."
Jude laughed, almost incredulous. "It's my bed!"
"Then take me back to my bed after you're done with the churros."
"No!" Jude protested, wrapping his arms around the trunk of Connor's torso. "I like it better when you're in my bed."
"I kind of like your bed better too. But I meant what I said about not sleeping in crumbs."
"I'm sure you did. But I don't want to move, so …"
Jude was so transparent. Connor picked him up and left him on the couch, going to heat their hastily abandoned churros and chocolate.
"I love that you can do that, you know," Jude said.
"I know."
It didn't take long before the hot churros were sitting on the coffee table, layered on a new plate. Connor held the chocolate bowl in one hand while Jude snuggled under his other arm, dipping churros into the chocolate and alternatively feeding himself and Connor. It was like a scene from a movie again. It was something perfect and sweet and Connor just didn't want the night to end. He tightened his arms around Jude and rested his head against his warm hair.
"Thank you for being part of my life," Connor whispered.
Jude fed him another bite of churro and Connor only half-watched how far away Jude's hand was. Jude was careful to feed him only from the long bites so that he wasn't in any danger of touching Connor's skin.
"No, baby," Jude corrected as gently as possible, "thank you for being part of mine."
Connor couldn't even begin to imagine how he could be so genuine about it or how he could have made a bigger impact on Jude's life than Jude had been on his. But one look at Jude's face and Connor knew that Jude was being true and genuine. His heart didn't know how to handle that. It skipped and beat anxiously inside of his chest. Jude picked up the last churro, unaware of Connor's scared heart. Connor kissed Jude's temple, lingering. Even though Jude was the thing that scared him and made him feel like running from his feelings, Jude was also the thing that grounded him. The fact that Jude was real and solid next to him was the very thing that made him feel better.
"Last bite," Jude said. "Make it good!"
Connor took his last bite of the churro but he didn't really feel like he was tasting it. He just couldn't take his eyes off Jude; his boyfriend was all that he could think about. He felt like there was something inside of him that wanted to do something more, that felt like there should be something that he could do for Jude that would make them both happier. But he floundered with no way to really let Jude know how he was feeling inside and he just held Jude as close as he possibly could.
It was all that he could do.
The chapter's title is after the song True by Ryan Cabrera. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~