Connor wrote down his and Jude's flight itinerary in his journal, looking at the e-mail that his father had just sent him. He knew he didn't have to write it down there but he needed something to do while he spoke to his father. He looked down at the dark blue numbers staring back at him. What was he going to do with a week at home? What was he going to do with Jude? Was there anything that Jude would want to do? He lowered his head to rest against his open textbook and wished that Jude were home so that Connor could ask everything right away. But Jude was at work and he was supposed to be studying for the exams that he were coming up.

"I'm glad you're still coming."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"You've been speaking to me differently since we talked about Rachel and how I discussed Jude with her."

"It's not my responsibility to make you see the light. I wish you would. It would make being around you easier and more comfortable. I'm not going to cut you out because of it but it makes me trust you less. And, I'm not going to tolerate you saying anything bad about Jude. He doesn't deserve it and he doesn't have ties to you like I do."

"Connor, I won't disrespect him," Adam promised. "He's a guest in my house."

"I will … believe it when I see it," Connor said.

"That's fair and I understand it," Adam said. "I promise things will be good. I want you and he to feel comfortable here."

"I will see you soon."

"Not soon enough. Your exams haven't started yet, have they?"

"No, it's still too early for that," Connor said. "I'm starting to get ready for them, though."

"Good luck. Before I let you go, are you still willing to meet Rachel when you are home?"

"Do you still want me to?"

"Yes. I really do like her and she feels the same about me but I don't want it to get more serious until the two of you have met."

"I can make dinner," Connor offered.

"Oh, you don't have to. We could go out."

"I would like to do something to impress her," Connor said. "If she's that important to you, then I want her to like me."

"She will," Adam said confidently. "You and Jude. He is a hard man not to like."

"Thank you for that."

"Okay, I'll let you get back to your studying. Good luck with your exams, Connor. I love you."

"You too, Dad."

Connor hung up the phone and put it down on the edge of the coffee table. His will to keep studying was drained but he propped himself up on his hand and looked down at his textbook, reaching for his pen. He had to keep going for as long as he possibly could.

(-.-)

Jude yawned, loud and long, into his hands, stumbling down the street. Getting off work at four in the morning was brutal and he would never say that he genuinely loved his convenience store job. That being said, it was a lot safer than thinking about graduating university and going out and finding a real job. Knowing how the world worked, Jude was sure that he would end up working his convenience job for a few years yet. That didn't bother him; he knew it wouldn't be his life. He yawned again and glanced up at the dark night sky. It was too late to be thinking about that and his thoughts drifted to something better: his warm bed, Connor curled up and asleep on one side. It was that thought that got him to move as quickly as he did down the hill to his front door. To his surprise, the lights were still on inside. He opened the door slowly; he couldn't imagine that Connor was still awake.

Connor was sleeping, splayed over his textbook with his pen still in his hand. Jude shut and locked the door behind him.

"Baby," Jude called. "Baby."

Connor didn't move.

"Connor, come on."

Nothing.

Jude left him sitting there while he went and put on his own pyjamas. He glanced at Connor and was glad that he hadn't fallen asleep in jeans. Jude shuffled over to Connor's side.

"It's bed time, Connor." Jude tapped the top of Connor's arm and Connor bolted awake immediately. "Baby, it's just Jude."

Connor's breath hiccoughed. "It hurts."

"What?" Jude felt a little more awake. "What hurts?"

"My neck." Connor sounded on the verge of panicked tears. "My neck hurts!"

"You fell asleep at a bad angle, baby, that's all. I'll go get you the ice pack I have, okay? Try and stretch it out."

"It hurts," Connor whimpered. "Make it stop, make it stop, please, I can't."

Jude thought of Connor's ex's hands around his throat and he felt like he was going to throw up. He focused on picking the ice pack out of the fridge and carrying it back to his boyfriend.

"It's okay, baby, you're safe," Jude said. "No one's going to hurt you. I'm not going to hurt you."

He put the ice pack on the coffee table and took a step back. Connor would need his space. Even if Jude wanted to collapse down on the couch and fall asleep. Connor slowly reached out with one hand and inched the ice pack toward him. His hands were trembling so bad that it made Jude start to feel dizzy.

"You can go to bed, Jude," Connor whispered. "I can't … I can't …"

"And I can't leave you alone like this," Jude said and he lowered himself to the floor, feeling his legs sigh with relief.

"I don't want to do this," Connor whimpered. "I don't want to be like this. I want to be normal. I want … I want … I want …"

His voice whimpered out and died as he hid his face away in his hands.

"Baby, it's okay. Think about how little this happens now. You're doing so much better than you have been," Jude said. "Something like this is just a little setback, it's not the end of the world. And it's not who you are."

Nothing seemed to make Connor feel better. Jude curled his legs underneath of him and propped his head up on his hand.

"What can I do?" he asked. "Anything at all, Connor, just ask."

Connor shook his head and then he winced. Jude sympathetically winced with him. Connor pressed the ice pack softly to his neck.

"Sometimes, I still feel it. The choking. The end," Connor whispered. "I thought I was going to die."

"I know," Jude said. "I can't imagine what it's like."

"It's just a neck ache. It shouldn't have to be more than a neck ache."

Jude just watched the tears stream down Connor's face and he had to wrap his arms around himself. He wanted to reach out to Connor so badly.

"It's not," Jude said. "Maybe try and remember that? That it's just a neck ache. You just fell asleep wrong. It's not anything more than that and it's not what it once was. No one hurt you."

"I fell asleep wrong."

"That's all."

"I talked to Dad. I fell asleep on my textbook. That happened."

"I guess so," Jude said. "You were sleeping on the coffee table when I got home."

Connor looked at him with watery eyes. "You were at work."

"Yeah, until four in the morning."

"You should be sleeping."

"And I will … once you're comfortable enough to sleep too. I'm not leaving you."

Fresh tears streaked down Connor's face.

"Oh, baby."

"Go to bed, Jude," Connor said. "I'm going to be awake for a while."

"But you won't wake me up if you need me."

"It's for me to deal with."

"It doesn't mean I don't want to be here for you," Jude said. "Unless I'm bothering you."

"I don't know."

"So, I'll sit here until you do."

"Thank you," Connor whispered, though his voice was nearly non-existent.

Jude leant his head in his hand, trying not to stare awkwardly at Connor as he shuffled around, but he didn't know where else to look. Connor fell silent and Jude felt his eyes start to drift as his body collapsed forward. He straightened up and tried not to let it show too badly. He felt like an hour had gone by and the sky was noticeably lightening, but still, nothing more had been said, and neither of them had really moved. Jude's eyes fell shut again and this time, they didn't open again.

(-.-)

Jude woke up slowly, the smell of coffee shocking his brain. He sat up and realized that he was in bed, completely alone. And judging by how the other side of the large bed looked, Connor had never come to bed last night. At least, not with him. Jude threw the covers from his body and pushed open the curtains on the bed. It was a sunny Saturday and from how bright it was, Jude thought it looked late. He squinted at the kitchen clock. Nearly one in the afternoon. And then, Jude realized something else. He was alone. The bathroom door was open, the TV was off, and there was no Connor. Jude glanced around. Connor's textbook was still on the corner of the coffee table, true, but his backpack and shoes were gone. Jude shuffled toward the kitchen a little, unsure if he should text Connor or not, and then he noticed something else: Connor's journal, sitting open in front of his usual seat on the counter. Jude pulled the book toward him, finding a note.

Jude, went to get breakfast groceries at 12:47. I started the coffee for you. Be home soon. Call me if you need anything. – Connor

Jude picked up the pen that Connor had left next to his journal and doodled a heart at the top of the next page so Connor would find it next time he opened it, and then shut the journal. He made his way toward the coffee maker, realizing just how clean the kitchen looked. Connor hadn't slept last night – that much was clear. Feeling even more terrible about having fallen asleep, Jude poured his coffee. He picked up his mug and walked around the apartment, trying to figure out what he could do to make Connor feel better. But everything had been cleaned and if Connor was out getting groceries for breakfast, then he must have an idea about what he wanted to make, and would probably be upset if Jude started cooking for him.

Jude made his bed but it didn't look nearly as good as when Connor did it. He sat down on the couch, feeling like a useless boyfriend. As much as he wanted to do something, he just had no idea what the right thing might be. Connor was so sensitive. It would be so easy to do something wrong. He was halfway through a sitcom rerun when the front door opened.

"Hey," Jude said, immediately standing.

"Hi."

Jude rushed over and took one of the large bags from Connor.

"How was grocery shopping?"

"Fine. It's a grocery store. What can you say?"

"I guess." Jude trailed behind him on the way to the kitchen. "And, last night? I'm sorry I fell asleep."

"You had been awake way too long," Connor said. "I don't blame you. I was … overreacting. It was just a sore neck."

"Yeah, but, I don't blame you for that."

Jude paused in unpacking the grocery bag, watching for Connor's reaction, but Connor didn't have one. Jude picked the green onions out of the bag and put them in the fridge, taking the eggs from Connor and sliding them into the fridge too.

"Thank you for putting me in bed," Jude added.

"I wasn't going to leave you on the floor," Connor said. "I was worried I was going to wake you up though."

"I was really tired," Jude said.

"It was probably a good thing," Connor mused. "It … kind of helped me stretch. I did some cleaning but I was worried I was going to wake you, so I made myself go to sleep. But it was only for a couple of hours. Then I did some more cleaning and then I decided I should go grocery shopping. I thought you'd be hungry when you woke up."

"It didn't look like you came to bed last night."

"I slept on the couch," Connor said quickly, and he folded the empty grocery bag, sliding it under the sink. Jude pulled the thick package of bacon out of his bag and tossed it in the fridge, giving Connor his grocery bag to put away. "I thought it would be better. I just felt like I was going to keep panicking."

"I'm sorry. Do you want some coffee? It's still hot."

"No. I, uh, I think it'll make me too jumpy."

"Sure."

Jude watched Connor flail helplessly in the kitchen for a moment and he wanted to sigh. The kitchen was where Connor was usually so confident and in control. Jude wanted to comfort him – he knew Connor needed it and Jude wanted it – but he didn't know if it would be invading Connor's space or not. And Jude was just so frustrated at not knowing what to do with his own boyfriend and, if he were being honest, he was a little frustrated too with Connor's inability to tell him what he needed or what he wanted.

"I need you to tell me something, baby," Jude said. There was no point in keeping it inside.

"Anything," Connor said.

"No, I just need to know how to help you. I need to know what to do. Even if you just tell me you need more space. I just feel like I'm failing you."

"N-n-no!" Connor exclaimed. "I'm … I mean, this isn't ... I … Please, don't feel like that. You've done everything exactly right. It's just that this is something that I need to work through internally. I'm sorry. I don't want you to feel like you're doing something wrong."

"But you'll tell me if there's something I can do?" Jude asked, and held his breath until Connor nodded.

"Yes. Actually, I think there is."

"Anything."

"Will you help me make breakfast?"

Jude grinned. "Yes. You don't even have to ask on that one."

"I wouldn't want to assume," Connor commented, and then he stretched his hand out. Jude gladly took it and let Connor pull him closer. Connor whispered, "I'm sorry. You aren't the same man, at all, and I should stop treating you like you're going to turn into him if I do something wrong. You're not. I should trust you more because I know you better than that."

"Thank you," Jude whispered back. It was rare that Connor had the exact right words to say but it warmed him from the inside out. "I love you."

Connor leant up onto his toes and gently kissed Jude's lips. "Let's get cooking, okay? I've been hungry since I left the grocery store."

"Then we can't wait! Let's go!" Jude paused. "Uh, what was it you wanted to make?"

"A cheeseburger omelette and hash browns."

"Yes! Okay, teach me!"

"Teach you?" Connor repeated.

"I don't want to just watch you. I want to actually be helpful. Come on, teach me." Jude smiled, trying to be cute, trying to lighten the moment. "I'm teachable!"

Connor just stared at him for a moment and then a tiny, slow smile began to spread over his face. "You aren't the same at all, are you?"

"I hope not."

"I think you were right," Connor continued slowly.

"About what?"

Connor tugged Jude forward again and wrapped his arms around Jude's waist, loose and soft.

"You said that, um, your love was … or would be, I guess, at the time, was different from his. I guess I'm really glad, Jude, that you're willing to put up with me. I don't know who I'd be without you, now, and I … I like me. I like me w-w-with you."

Jude wrapped his arms tight around Connor. He wanted to have his arms full of his boyfriend; he wanted to be able to feel the heave of his breath if he concentrated, and he wanted to sneak his hand up and press it over Connor's rapidly beating heart. Connor twisted their hands together and they were trapped between their two bodies. Jude bent his head and kissed Connor. Connor's free arm wrapped tightly around Jude's neck, holding Jude to him. Jude was taken aback with the fever that Connor kissed him with, but he fell into Connor's embrace whole-heartedly.

"I love you," Jude said when they separated slightly. "And now I'm going to make sure you get fed."

"Jude –"

"No, no, like we did with the popcorn," Jude said. "You sit up on the counter and boss me around and I will make breakfast for you."

"You don't think I'm bossy, do you?"

"No, not at all," Jude said. "But, you're going to have to become a little bossy today."

Connor made a face.

"Just a little?" Jude said. "You might even find you like it."

"I like you," Connor said and he lifted himself onto the counter. "It doesn't feel right to sit up here."

"That's half the fun. So, where do I start?"

"You have to start cutting the vegetables. Um, this is going to be hard."

"What else is new?" Jude said, and he shrugged. "Vegetables, coming up."

Jude grabbed a cutting board and brandished a knife.

"Please don't cut your finger off," Connor pleaded.

"Baby, how long have we been together?"

"Um, like, almost two months."

"Or, like, almost six," Jude corrected, starting to cut up the vegetables, watching his fingers more carefully than he might have if Connor hadn't made a comment about them.

"We broke up," Connor said, his voice so small and sad that Jude just wanted to cling to him.

"You were the one that said you never thought of us as broken up."

"Yeah, but, I was also the one who said I never wanted to see you again."

"That worked out well," Jude said, trying to be sarcastic even though his whole being ached at the memory of Connor's absence. That whole time period had been too hard; there had been entirely too much going on.

"It did for me," Connor said. "I don't know what you're getting out of this deal."

"You," Jude said, dropping the knife to the cutting board and grabbing onto Connor's hands. "I love you. You're sweet and thoughtful and funny and such a good cook and my best friend and you … You feel like home to me, Connor. You feel like the safest place for me to be and I can't wait until you understand how I feel about you."

"You mean love you too?" Connor asked, his tone going flat.

"No, no, baby. Just understand me. Trust how I feel. Know for sure that you are the … the third greatest thing that ever happened to me."

Connor cocked his head to the side, his long hair drifting across his eyes. Jude resisted the urge to push it away. "After getting adopted and?"

"And being Callie's brother," Jude said. "If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have been adopted and if I'd never been adopted, I never would have lived a life where I'd get to meet you."

"You're too sweet."

"Getting a cavity?"

"A little bit. But, you know, I do kind of like it."

"Good."

Connor's hand cupped Jude's jaw and Jude was surprised at the strength in his steady fingers as Connor guided Jude's face toward his before kissing him so sweetly that Jude felt he was going to end up with a cavity.

"I'm in love with you," Jude whispered against Connor's lips.

"You've only known me for seven months."

"And I've loved you for nearly all of them."

"That's terrifying," Connor said, and his hand fell away from Jude.

"Some things you just know."

Connor considered that, his hair swinging to the other side of his face. Connor shoved it away. "I guess … I guess I must have known something about you. With the way I trusted you, I mean."

"Past tense."

"I just meant before I had a real reason too," Connor said, his cheeks colouring with a blush.

Jude grinned and kissed Connor's cheek. "I'm glad you have a reason now."

"More than one," Connor said confidently. "Although I don't know if your breakfast promises are one of them."

"Oh, well, that's easy to fix," Jude said, turning back to the cutting board. "You'll be having breakfast before you know it."

"And, then, after, I'd like your help with something. Please."

"Anything," Jude promised. "Do you think that's enough onion?"

"Yeah, but you should get the beef started," Connor said.

"Sure," Jude said. "So, what am I helping you with?"

"I need to cut my hair."

"What can I do to help?"

"Hold a small mirror up behind me so I can see better," Connor said. "Usually I try and tape it to my wall but it gets complicated."

"I'm always happy to be of use to you."

"Oh, do two more eggs, please, I'm really hungry."

"Sure."

They lapsed into a companionable silence that was only broken by Connor who, every so often, gave a small instruction about seasoning or stirring. Even so, Jude found it was much easier than he'd been anticipating. Still, he didn't like cooking. He'd do it for Connor but he just didn't understand the joy that took over Connor when he was making a recipe. Jude was just glad to see it through to the end, piling the eggs and hash browns onto two plates for them while Connor got the orange juice.

"It's not quite as good as yours," Jude said.

"You haven't even tasted it yet," Connor said quickly. "If I'm not allowed to do that to myself then you're definitely not."

Jude hooked his foot around Connor's, swinging their legs back and forth. He watched as Connor took a bite.

"And," Connor added, "I really like it. Thank you for breakfast."

Jude grinned happily. When he dug into his food, he had the lingering thought that it wasn't as good as it could have been and it definitely was nowhere near what it would have been if Connor had made it himself but Jude had to admit that it wasn't completely bad. It was good enough for Connor to go back and eat more than one more plate of it, which definitely made Jude feel a rush of pride. When breakfast was done and the dishes put away, Connor led Jude into the washroom.

"I'm nervous about this," Connor confessed.

"It's okay. You can trust me."

"Yes," Connor agreed, but Jude wished that he sounded a bit more confident about it.

Connor dug out a small hand mirror and put it in Jude's hands, resting a pair of scissors on the bathroom counter.

"Where should I stand with this?" Jude asked. "We don't have a lot of room."

Connor looked around. "Um. You might have to stand in the tub. I'm sorry. I can do it by myself –"

"What? It's not the end of the world for me to stand in my own tub," Jude said. "Okay, here. Can you see okay if I hold it up like this or … Where do my arms need to be?"

Connor slowly turned his back on Jude and faced the mirror. "Up a little … to the left … back down just … Yeah, like that, thank you."

Connor quickly spread a towel on the floor for him to stand on and then he pulled his shirt over his head. He turned his back on Jude again and picked up the scissors. In the mirror, Jude could see Connor anxiously chewing on his lip, but then Jude dropped his gaze from Connor's face to look at his back, focusing on the tiny white scars that he couldn't help but compare to the stars: without rhyme or reason, clustered together and far apart. Connor held the scissors up and quickly began snipping. Jude became almost dizzy as he watched the scissors flash. He wondered how Connor could figure out if it was going to look good or not by moving like that. Clumps started to litter the kitchen counter and sink as Connor worked his way around his head. His movements slowed as his concentration went up. Without the constant snapping of the scissors for Jude to focus on, he became aware of how his arms ached. He didn't want to let out as much as a tremble – partly because he didn't want Connor to see it and partly because he didn't want to admit that it was making his muscles ache that much to hold up a mirror.

Finally, Connor ducked his head and shook out his hair, letting small strands fall out of his head.

"How does it look?"

"Even," Jude said, lowering the mirror. "And you look good."

"Thanks. Um, I'll sweep the bathroom and then I want to shower."

"Can I shower with you?" Jude asked.

Connor froze, his eyes snapping up to look at Jude's face. "Um … Wh-what?"

"I'm mostly kidding," Jude said. "Unless you really did want to."

The smallest frown formed on Connor's face, but he didn't look upset, just like he was concentrating. Connor leant against the bathroom counter, his jeans low on his lips and his muscles tensed from the way he was holding himself. Jude got distracted by the sharp V of Connor's hips and almost forgotten he'd asked a question.

"I don't … don't know if I'm quite there yet," Connor murmured. "It just … I can't … It's hard to picture how it would work."

Jude's mind half went on another tangent, with nudity but no shower, and then he brought himself to the present. "Is the water part what's confusing you?"

Connor looked like he almost wanted to laugh but couldn't quite figure out if Jude was fully mocking him or not. "I understand how water works." Connor deliberated a moment. "I just feel like it would only be me being uncomfortable and, um, I don't think you'll be able to avoid touching me."

Jude stepped out of the tub, intentionally hit his toes against Connor's and then bumping their elbows together. "Touching doesn't always mean sexual, even if we're naked."

"Seems to defeat the purpose of being naked," Connor said, and then he blushed. His voice was small as he added, "And you've never seen me that way."

"You shouldn't be embarrassed about how you look," Jude said.

Connor shook his head. "He … Nothing was ever right with me. My hair was too long, I wasn't muscled enough, there was too much fat on my arms, I was getting too skinny. I was … I was always something. I wanted to be attractive. I wanted to be like the men he picked up in bars."

"You're hot, Connor. You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about! Your hair is great, your muscles are more than great. You … You are worth more to me than one more night. The more I know you, the hotter you become. And because I love you, you're nearly perfect."

"Nearly?"

"Only because no one is and I thought you'd get at me more for calling you perfect."

"You're right about that."

Connor stroked the inside of Jude's forearm as they leant against the bathroom counter together.

"Did you ever shower with Dylan?"

"No," Jude said. "Never really wanted to and never really had the opportunity."

"So, why now? Why with me?"

"Because I have my own apartment, with my own shower, and a cute boyfriend that needs to shower." Jude let his head roll onto Connor's shoulder. "I just seemed like something we could do and, you know, maybe make you more comfortable with … things, us, you."

Jude didn't look up to see if Connor had jumped to sex the way Jude had, because Jude wanted Connor's hands on him with his hands on Connor. He waned to let lust take over and let go of composure and boundaries and fears for one night. Jude also knew himself well enough to say he wasn't completely ready for sex yet. Almost, he felt like, and he knew he was miles ahead of Connor. He thought of the hand job Connor had given and grew hard at the thought of his boyfriend's touch. He knew if he and Connor kept doing things like that and taking those steps forward, he would be ready in no time. If Connor ever wanted to even get that far again.

"Um, you know what, Jude?"

"What?"

"I think I'm okay with trying it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I … I want to experience things like that with you. Like real couples do."

"We're a real couple as long as we say we are. That's not really defined by what we do."

"I know but what I said is still true." Connor held Jude's hand. "Also, I trust you to understand what I can and can't handle."

"Thank you, baby."

"But you have to get in first."

"Sure," Jude agreed. "And you can kick me out if you need to."

"Even if you have shampoo in your eyes?"

Jude chuckled. "Maybe try not to be that mean."

"I never want to be mean to you."

Jude squeezed Connor's head. "How hot do you like your water?"

"Pretty warm," Connor answered, his voice shaking.

Jude turned the shower on. He stripped his clothes off, made sure the water wasn't going to burn him, and then stepped inside. The water quickly drenched him, but Jude stepped out of the majority of the spray so that he could watch Connor finish undressing. Connor's hands smoothly popped the button on his jeans and slid the zipper down. Connor hesitated and Jude wondered if they'd end up showering separately, but then his boyfriend was naked in the shower with him.

Jude's fingers itched. He wanted to touch Connor. All of him. From the muscles along the tops of his shoulders to the short hairs along his thighs; form the freshly cut hair to the curve of his butt – Jude wanted to touch all of him. Connor finally stepped into the water and Jude was filled with a new desire: to follow, with his tongue, the beads of water down Connor's chest, wherever they might go.

"So," Connor prompted.

Jude gaped helplessly, even more than the first time he'd laid eyes on the attractive guy in his mythology class. Water streamed into his open mouth and he half choked.

"Jude?" Connor's hand slipped across Jude's slick back.

"I'm fine," Jude spluttered, feeling the warmth of Connor's hand even in the steamy heat. Jude coughed and shook his head.

"Hey!" Connor complained. "You sprayed me!"

A chuckle escaped Jude and he reached up, angling the shower head so it completely covered Connor's hair. Connor shoved the drenched strands out of his face and smiled up at Jude.

"That was mean," he whined.

"Sorry," Jude said. "Shampoo?"

There wasn't much room in the shower for the two of them to move around and they ended up scraping hips and bumping knees. Jude's heart jolted every time they ended up face to face, almost with their bodies pressed together. Connor was clearly trying to avoid it and Jude was trying not to pin him into a corner. By the time they were both finished washing their hair, the shower wall was covered with soap suds and Jude was half cold, since there wasn't enough room in the water for the both of them. Connor picked up Jude's washcloth and body wash.

"May I?" Connor asked.

"Sure," Jude said, though it wasn't until Connor turned Jude around and Jude actually felt the slight roughness of the wash cloth against his skin that Jude realized Connor had been asking permission to touch him.

Not that he regretted agreeing – not in the least. Goosebumps erupted along his exposed front, but they barely mattered. Connor was taking his time with the wash cloth and was half-massaging as he moved low down Jude's back. Jude barely had time to wonder how far Connor was going to go when the wash cloth brushed against his butt.

"Move a little more out of the water, please," Connor instructed.

Jude took the smallest step forward not wanting to leave the warm water entirely. He heard a small thud and he turned his head to see Connor kneeling on the shower floor. Jude's blood started to rush down and then, when Connor took the cloth up between Jude's thighs, Jude actually felt his knees go weak. He spread his legs and had to physically bite down on his lip to keep himself from begging Connor to touch him – to do absolutely anything Connor wanted to do to him. But Connor didn't. Connor just finished washing his legs.

"Turn around."

Jude shuffled around slowly. Connor ducked his head down and then he dragged the wash cloth across Jude's feet, and Jude laughed.

"Connor, that tickles!"

There was the beginning of a mischievous glint in Connor's eye as he glanced at Jude's face. "I thought it might. You're the one that said I don't have to be so serious, even in times like this."

Jude just laughed again, watching as Connor soaped his legs. He held his breath, but Connor had a distant, almost clinical look on his face as he cleaned Jude's upper thighs, hips, and everything in between. He only softened when he was halfway up Jude's stomach and was able to stand on his own two feet again. He rubbed the cloth reverently over Jude's tattooed ribs before the other side. Connor cleaned up Jude's chest, up to his collarbones, and then he picked up his arms.

"I don't know if I've ever been this clean," Jude joked as Connor picked up his arms to clean those too.

"Mmm."

Connor's eyes were smoldering as he put Jude's arms back at his sides. His concentration intensified as he cleaned Jude's neck – so gently that Jude hardly felt it at all. Connor took some of the suds from the cloth and started building Jude a small goatee. Jude held perfectly still, even though he wanted to break out into laughter from how hard Connor was concentrating. When Connor was finished, he held perfectly still for a moment, and then he shook his head.

"What?" Jude asked, and the suds fell from his chin.

"You shouldn't grow your facial hair out," Connor said. And then he quickly covered it with, "I mean, unless you really wanted to."

"Would you still like me?"

"I'd try," Connor replied bluntly and Jude laughed.

Jude sidled back into the water, which was noticeably not as warm as it had been. How long had they been showering? He turned up the water heat a little.

"Are you cold?" Connor asked.

"No, not yet," Jude said. He let the water cascade over his back, washing the soap away. "Are you going to let me do that to you?"

Connor shook his head. It was what Jude had expected, but he still felt disappointed. They were showering together and he wasn't allowed to touch his boyfriend. He wasn't allowed to do anything more than accidentally brush up against him as they tried to move around one another – though half of those weren't accidental and Jude was sure that they both knew it.

"I just … This is new enough. I can't … can't add something else scary."

"I understand, baby." But just because Jude always understood where Connor was coming from didn't mean he always liked it; it didn't mean he never felt the pangs of frustration about it.

"Jude."

He sountruded so seriously that Jude's neck nearly snapped in an effort to look at him quickly.

"It's not that I don't want you to." Connor's hand curved around his hip and pulled Jude close and Jude leant into the slickness of his body. No space, at all. He sucked air into his lungs as he watched Connor's face. He wanted to see if fear crept onto his boyfriend's face and his heart dropped at the thought of it, but there was nothing, and Jude soared. It even looked like Connor might want him to be there. Connor shook his head and breathlessly exclaimed, "How do you do this to me?"

"My stunning good looks?" Jude suggested.

"Yeah," Connor agreed, completely genuine. "That's probably it."

Jude pressed his hand to the outside of Connor's thigh and Connor gasped.

"Jude –"

"I just want to touch you." Jude sounded as desperate as he felt and he wasn't particularly proud of it.

"N-n-not here," Connor said. "Please, just … just let me finish showering alone, okay?"

Jude nodded and, feeling disappointed all over again, stepped out of the warm water and into the cold bathroom. He reached for his towel and tried just to think about what clothes he was going to go put on instead of what had just occurred, but that was easier said than done.

(-.-)

Connor waited until he heard the door shut behind Jude and then he let out a low noise as he bent down, hands on his knees, head hanging. He felt like he had just gotten off the world's longest rollercoaster and he needed to catch his breath. He knew he was running out of hot water and he felt bad for using up so much of it when he hadn't even gotten to wash anything but his hair.

Connor picked up the body wash but even as he started going through the motions, he couldn't concentrate on anything but how Jude's body had felt. And Jude wanted to do that to him. Intellectually, Connor knew that Jude wouldn't hurt him. Over and over again, Jude had shown that he wasn't going to do anything to him and over and over again, Connor had found himself vowing to not be afraid and deciding to trust Jude completely but it kept falling through. He kept failing himself and he kept failing Jude. He wanted Jude close. He wanted Jude so much but when he took the thoughts and tried to make them fit into reality, his stomach clenched and he immediately felt as if he were going to cry as the memory of pain completely took over his body.

Jude wasn't the same man. Jude's love wasn't the same love. And, matter of fact, Connor wasn't the same man either.

Connor quickly rinsed the soap from his body and turned the water off. He quickly toweled himself dry and pulled his clothes back on before creeping into the main room of the house. Jude was sitting on the couch, channel surfing, and though he wanted to tell Jude … wanted to tell Jude that he wanted to try more. That he thought he might be ready to do something more but he didn't have the words. Instead, he sank onto the couch next to Jude and picked up his journal. He opened to the last thing he had written – his note to Jude. Then, on the opposite page …

"Did you draw me a heart?"

"Yeah," Jude said.

"I like it." Connor rubbed his fingers over the ink splotch. "C-c-could you do it more?"

"Sure. What's the name of the poetry blog?" Jude asked. "I can leave you notes and stuff."

"You wouldn't read what I wrote, would you?"

"No," Jude said. "I'd pick pages in the back so you'd never know when you'd find them."

"Thank you."

Jude really cared about him and Connor really felt it. He put his book down. He wasn't in the mood to write about his day like it was over. He put the book down on the table and pulled Jude's feet into his lap. Jude let the remote clatter onto the coffee table too.

"You don't have to do this, Connor."

"I know. I don't have to do anything with you. It's what makes me want to." Connor tugged and Jude's legs and Jude grinned, rolling closer so that he was tucked under Connor's arm. "And I … I want to. I want you. I'm just … I want to. I want to be able to with you. I actually kind of liked showering with you. And I think want to, um, try to do more with you, like that. I just need more time to think about it. Thinking about it and then experiencing it feel like two completely different things. I get scared, um, when I think about the real experience of it."

"You don't have to be scared of me, baby."

"I know. So, um, maybe s-s-soon we can try something … something new," Connor said. "Not tonight but … I want t-t-time to think about it. Be sure. Or, um, chicken out."

"You can have all of the time you want, baby. I'm not going anywhere."

"I'm not going anywhere either."

"I know."

Connor held Jude tightly against his chest and he heard Jude let out a happy little hum. It lifted Connor's own heart and he bent down on a whim, kissing Jude's cheek. Jude leant his head back and prodded at Connor's jawline with his nose until Connor kissed him there too.

"I meant my lips!"

"You should have just asked."

"I'm asking now!"

"I didn't hear a question."

"Will you kiss me?" Connor opened his mouth and Jude quickly added, "On the lips?"

Connor laughed and then covered Jude's mouth with his own, keeping his boyfriend close. Jude snuggled in as much as he could and he felt exactly right in Connor's arms, in a way that Connor hadn't experienced with his ex. Things had never felt as right with him as they did with Jude and things so completely right with Jude. He slipped his hand under Jude's shirt, just to feel the softness of Jude's bare skin, and Jude broke away from their kiss, laughing.

"That tickles."

"Sorry."

"Not that sorry."

"No."

And then Connor kissed him deeply.

The chapter's title is after the song Better Man by James Morrison. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~