Chapter 34: Free to Love

I didn't really know how to do this, to be honest. Little One's birthday had been over a month ago, and April was quickly approaching. I wanted to talk to Kate before then, but I just didn't know how. I felt like a phone call wasn't right, so the email I had typed up sure as hell wasn't either. How do you ask a woman if it's okay for someone else to be her child's mother?

According to my lawyer, Marcus — who had handled everything last year — I didn't have to notify Kate of shit. She had terminated her rights, even after being informed of all the ramifications. Still, I didn't feel right doing that. She may not have been Little One's mother, but she did give birth to her. I just wanted to be sure she'd never cause any issues, especially once Sofia was older.

I wanted Bella to be able to adopt my daughter once we got married without fear that Kate could do something. My lawyer said the chances of Kate ever being awarded any kind of visitation rights were slim to none, but I didn't want to take that chance. I wanted to know without a doubt that Kate didn't want anything to do with Sofia, so I had to contact her.

I just didn't know how.

"Have you spent your entire lunch break in here?" Dad asked, coming into the doctor's lounge with a mug in his hand.

I scrubbed my hands over my face and sighed. "Yeah."

He pulled the chair out across from me and sat, creasing his brow. "What's going on?"

"I'm planning on asking Bella to marry me soon, but before I do, I want to know with absolute certainty that Kate can't cause issues with Bella adopting Sofia when we get married. Marcus says she can't."

He nodded. "Well, then that's your answer, isn't it?"

"Yes, but I also don't feel right about not telling Kate, you know? I mean, she did give birth to Sofia. Someday, Sofia might have questions, and I want her to know that I didn't keep Kate from her. I will if Kate tries anything, but I'd rather not have to go through that."

"I'm afraid I'm not understanding what you want, son. Do you want to contact Kate?"

"Yes," I said, turning my laptop to him. "I wrote out a long ass email to her, but it seems kind of wrong to tell her this way, doesn't it?"

He scanned the screen as his eyes widened. "Well, I'd certainly be offended if someone emailed me legal precedence as to why I can't try to see my child."

"Yeah . . . that was actually a shitty idea now that I'm thinking about it."

He closed my laptop and sighed. "You could call her, I suppose, but if you really want to be sure she knows you're not messing around, it might be best to see her in person."

That was what I had been trying to avoid. It wasn't like I could fly to New York without telling Bella. I sure as hell wasn't going to lie to her, but I didn't want her to know why I needed to be sure Kate wouldn't be an issue. It was like telling her I planned to propose not only marriage, but adoption. I mean, I was going to do that, but I wanted it to be a surprise.

"I can't go see her and not tell Bella," I said. "I just don't feel right doing that."

He nodded. "I can understand that. You know, she might want to see Kate, as well," he said and then continued as I cocked my head. "Bella's Sofia's mother in every way except blood, which is what Kate is. Maybe Bella would like this closure, too. Have to two spoken about Kate at all?"

"No," I said, shaking my head. "Kate's out of our lives, so she's never really been a topic of discussion, but I think I see what you're saying. I just have to figure out how to tell her I want to talk to Kate without giving away my plans."

He stood, smiling as he walked over to pat my shoulder. "I'm sure you'll figure it out, or you could tell her that you want her to adopt Sofia someday, but leave out your exact plans. It's not like it'd be a complete surprise. I'm sure she thinks she'll adopt Sofia one day."

"True," I sighed. "Thanks for listening and the advice. I'm going to get back to work."

"Good idea. Just because you're about out of here doesn't mean you get to slack off now," he chuckled.

. . . . .

After my three scheduled procedures and catching up on paperwork, I left the hospital just after seven. I still had a month left here before starting at Forks, but we had just moved into our new home this past weekend. Thankfully, the closing didn't take too long. The owners had already moved, so they just wanted it off of their hands. Our paperwork went through without issues, so once we had the keys, we started painting and moving stuff in.

For the most part, the large house was pretty bare. Even after moving in all of the stuff that we had put in storage, we still had empty rooms. Mom was on that, though. She and Bella had spent a lot of time picking out furniture and designing shit. The kitchen and downstairs bathroom were going to be the first things we actually remodeled, but we weren't starting them until June. For now, everything worked pretty well.

I managed to pull into the garage just before eight, which fucking sucked. My time in the evening with Little One had been cut down because of this long ass commute, so I quickly rushed inside to find her and Bella. They were in the large living room, playing with the toys that were all over the floor.

When Little One noticed me, she quickly stood up and toddled over to me, almost losing her balance a few times. I picked her up, holding her close to my chest as I kissed her cheek. "Did you miss me, Sofia?" I asked, smiling as she gave me a sloppy kiss.

"Dada!" she squealed. "Dada oh-m."

Bella had stood up and walked over, so I lowered my head to kiss her. "Yes, Daddy's home," she said, smiling. "I just have to heat up your dinner, all right?"

I nodded, passing Little One back to her. "I'll go change. Love you."

"I love you, too."

"Luff!" Sofia said.

I chuckled, kissing her once more. "I love you too, baby girl."

After changing and eating, Bella, Sofia, and I got back on the floor until it was Little One's bath time. She made sure to show me all of her toys and stuffed animals, letting me hold them until she wanted them back. Once she started yawning, I took her upstairs for her bath, which ended up with me drenched and her giggling. I fucking hated not being able to spend as much time with her in the evenings, but I did cherish the time I had.

Once she was bathed, I brought her into her new nursery. It was a hell of a lot bigger than the one in my apartment, and Mom and Bella had taken the time to paint it. I thought there was enough pink before, but this was so much worse. I sat down with her in the rocking chair after dressing her. I held her against my chest, rubbing her back softly as she snuggled her head into my neck. She fell asleep quickly as I told her about my day.

"I guess I bore you, huh?" I whispered, kissing her forehead before standing up. I laid her down in the crib, tucking her stuffed bunny under her arm. "Sleep well, Little One. I love you."

After pulling the door closed and grabbing the monitor, I headed back downstairs to find Bella. She was on the couch, reading a book when I plopped down next to her, but marked her spot and put it down. She moved into my arms, titling her head so I could kiss her.

"How was your day?" she asked, resting her head against my shoulder.

I shrugged. "Fine, nothing too interesting. What about you?"

She smiled. "Well, your mom came over and we went over some more plans, and then we went over to Dad's house to check on him. He's all right, taking his medicine and exercising like he's supposed to."

"That's good."

She nodded. "Yep, and then Esme came back home with us and helped me put the curtains in our room up. Basically, it was just a normal day. I really like having Sofia with me all day now, just so you know. When I go back to work, it's going to be so hard putting her back in daycare."

I kissed her forehead. "I know, but I guess having her around other kids is a good thing."

"True," she sighed.

After talking for a little while about Sofia and her job search — which hadn't yielded anything yet — I tried to figure out how to bring up Kate. It was fucking hard to figure out a way to ease into it, and I couldn't. I just had to come out with it.

"I want to talk to you about something, okay?" I asked as she looked up at me, cocking her head.

"Is everything all right?"

I nodded. "Yeah, yeah, it's nothing bad or anything. It's just . . . I've been thinking about Kate."

Her eyes widened. "Has she tried to contact you?"

"No, but I need to talk to her . . . in person. Before you say anything, let me tell you why, okay?"

"Okay," she said slowly.

I took a deep breath before continuing. "One day, I hope you'll adopt Sofia. I just want to be sure she won't cause any problems, you know? I need closure, I guess. I need her to know that she can't change her mind in a year or ten. Little One's ours, but she did give birth to her. I don't want Kate to be a part of her life, and if she ever tried, I'd fight tooth and nail to prevent it. It's hard for me to explain exactly why I need to talk to her, but I do. Do you understand at all?"

She blinked silently for a moment. "I'm Sofia's mom," she said. "You're right that Kate gave birth to her, but I don't want to share our daughter with her, Edward. What if she changes her mind after talking to you?"

"My lawyer says she pretty much can't. She knew what she was giving up when she terminated her rights."

"So why not leave it at that?"

I sighed, scrubbing my hand over my face. "I don't know exactly, Bella. It's just this part of me needs her to know that Little One is loved and taken care of, and that she can't change her mind. I want her to know that she did make the right choice by giving her up. I feel like she's hanging over our heads, you know? This open thing that won't go away unless I do something about it. And Bella, if I go see her, I'd want you to come with, too."

"You'll bring me with you?"

I nodded. "Yeah, of course. That's why I'm telling you. I'd never do this without your permission. It's something we need to do together, don't you think?"

"Well, I would like to say something to her."

I held her close again, caressing her arm. "What's that?"

She looked up and smiled. "Thank you."

"So you'll come?"

"Yes." She nodded. "When do you want to do this?"

. . . . .

Bella and I decided to go to New York as soon as possible, so I scheduled the next weekend off and asked my parents to keep Little One. I had Kate's address from my lawyer, so we flew into New York on Friday evening, planning to go see her in the morning. After checking into our hotel in Manhattan, Bella and I got room service and talked more.

"What exactly are you going to say?" she asked, looking through the pictures of Little One we brought.

"Uh . . . well, I guess I'll start with that Sofia has a good life. I'll tell her about how we take care of her, and then what plans we have someday. If she tries to say no, I'll show her what the law says. I guess I just really want her to know that she made the right choice."

She smiled, nodding. "I think that's a good idea."

"There's always the chance she could slam the door in our face, though," I laughed. "If that happens, I guess we flew across the country for nothing."

"I don't know her, but she seemed like she wanted the best for Sofia. We're the best for her. You need closure, so maybe she does, too."

"Yeah, maybe," I said, picking up one picture from Little One's birthday. "I already miss her, you know."

"I do too, but we'll be home soon."

Since we had gotten in so late, Bella and I didn't stay up long. Well, we took full advantage of the fact we couldn't be interrupted, then we went to bed. When we got up the next morning, we waited until ten to head to Kate's apartment. To be honest, I was really fucking nervous.

What if this was a bad idea?

Did I really need closure?

What if Kate wasn't even here anymore?

When the cab stopped at the address, I was a little surprised to find she lived in such an expensive building and part of town. I knew she was a college student, so I guessed her parents were wealthy. After all, she had taken a semester off of school to have Sofia, found me, and flown across the country to give me my daughter, so she couldn't have been broke.

Bella's hand squeezed mine as I pressed the button with Kate's name on it. It took a few moments, but then her voice came over the speaker, "Yeah?"

Once again, Bella's hand tightened in mine. "It's Edward . . . Cullen. Edward Cullen," I said nervously.

"Oh," she said and I heard the door unlock. "Um . . . come on up."

Bella and I walked in and got on the elevator. I held her close and took a deep breath. "Should we really do this?" I asked.

"We came all this way, so there's no going back now, I guess," she said, looking up at me and smiling sympathetically. "It'll be okay."

I kissed her forehead. "Thank you for coming. I love you."

"I love you too, Edward. We're in this together."

Once the doors opened, we walked down the hallway to Kate's door. I was barely able to knock before the door opened. Kate looked . . . different from the last time I had seen her. She looked scared shitless, to be honest.

"Hi," I said as she looked between Bella and me.

"Hi, uh . . . come in," she said.

We followed her inside — Bella's hand squeezing mine tightly once more — and sat down on the couch. Kate sat across from us, fidgeting some.

"You didn't bring her," Kate said. "Is she . . . okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah, Sofia's great. She's with my parents."

"Oh, good."

"This is Bella," I said. "She's my girlfriend."

Kate smiled a little, nodding. "I remember you. It's good to see you again."

"You too," Bella said before biting her lip.

I lifted my hand, rubbing the back of my neck as I decided to just . . . do it. There really wasn't an easy way to start this. "We came to tell you something," I said. "We haven't spoken since that night, so I just . . . I guess I want closure. I needed you to know you made the right choice."

"I know I did, Edward," she said. "I may be young, but I'm not an idiot. I didn't love her like she deserved, so I couldn't have given her a good life."

"How can you not love her?" Bella asked. "I'm sorry, but I just don't understand. I love her more than anything in the world, and I didn't even give birth to her."

"I want her to be happy, healthy, and taken care of, but that's all. It's not love I feel. It's taken me a while to accept that I can't love her and not feel like a horrible person because of that. If you've come here to make me feel that way, you both can leave."

"That's not why we came," I said quickly, diffusing any issues before they arose. "We came because I wanted to know without a doubt that you have no interest of ever being in Sofia's life. I don't want her to be ten years old and you show up on our doorstep. I want Sofia to have the mother she deserves, which is Bella."

"You're never going to tell her about me?"

I shook my head. "I'm not going to tell her what you did."

"I . . . I don't want you to tell her about me," she said softly, looking down at her lap. "I'm sure that sounds terrible, but I do care about her. If she knew I abandoned her because I didn't love her like I should, I can only imagine how much that'd hurt. I don't want her to interrupt my life, asking me why. Honestly, if I could forget about her, I would."

I suddenly felt rage. Honest to God rage. Kate hadn't actually changed. She wished she could forget about the most special and beautiful little girl in the world. She didn't want to feel like a horrible person, but in my eyes, she was one. Maybe I came here hoping she'd say she did love Sofia, but loved her enough to let her have a good life without her. She said she cared about Little One, but I doubted that. When she had opened the door, she was probably terrified that I had changed my mind.

"Well, you can forget about her," I said, clenching my jaw. "I just want you to know that Sofia is the most beautiful little girl in the world. She's so smart, too. We love her, and I came here to make sure you knew that, in case you ever tried to change your mind. I'm happy to know you won't, but I'm also hurt for my daughter that you don't even want to remember her. I guess I got the answers I came for, so we're leaving."

I stood up, keeping Bella's hand in mine. We walked to the door before Kate said, "I'll never change my mind, so if Bella wants to adopt her, that's fine by me."

"Do you even want to see her?" Bella asked as I opened the door. She let my hand go and pulled one of the pictures from her purse.

"I'm not a horrible person," Kate said. "I am truly happy that she's loved because that's what I wanted when I came to Washington last year. If I could feel differently, I would. Edward, don't you think that maybe the reason I don't love her was so that Bella could? Maybe I was only meant to be a way for you two to have her, because that's what was supposed to happen."

I stood there for a moment, letting that sink in. If it wasn't for Little One, I'd have never gotten to know Bella. Kate had to give Sofia up for that to happen, so maybe she was right. I was still hurt for Sofia, but . . . her words made sense.

"Thank you for giving us our daughter," I said, taking Bella's hand once more. She passed the picture to Kate before following me out, pulling her hand from mine and wrapping her arm around my torso.

The meeting certainly didn't go how I expected, but then again, I wasn't sure what to expect. I now knew that Kate wouldn't interfere in our lives, which was what I wanted. It just hurt me to know that one day, Sofia would ask about Kate, and I'd have to lie. I'd tell her that Kate loved her, but wanted her to have a better life. Kate didn't love her — she said so herself — but she did want Little One to have a good life.

Bella and I would make sure of that. We'd give her more love than she could ever truly understand, we'd make sure she was healthy and taken care of, and we'd make her happy. I'd tell her that she was the reason I found her mommy, and I'd make sure she knew how precious she was to me.

"Are you okay?" Bella asked as we stood in the elevator.

I pressed my lips to the top of her head. "Yeah," I sighed. "Just . . . hurt for Little One."

"Well, I love her more than anything in the world and I always will. She'll have us."

I smiled some, nodding. "Yes, she will. You're a wonderful mother Bella — better than I ever could have hoped for my daughter . . . for our daughter. Now, let's go home to her."