Barefoot And Bruised

by The Last Letter

AU. Jude was twenty and not even thinking about love when he met Connor Stevens, a boy who took his heart almost immediately. But Connor has a past he still has to struggle with daily and resists falling in love, even as he and Jude grow closer. Even as it seems everything will be all right, Connor's past refuses to lie, and Jude finds himself in a battle with Connor's demons.

71. Time To Mend

Jude let out a high-pitched whine loud enough that Connor dropped his highlighter. "Jude?"

"I hate exam time. I feel like I just lied my way through classes and now I know nothing."

"You didn't seem this stressed during last term's exams," Connor commented.

"Well, last term wasn't quite as hard as this one. And I didn't have as many personal problems last term!"

Connor pushed himself away from the coffee table and padded across the floor to where Jude was sitting at the counter, his textbook and tablet open in front of him. He had his head in his hands and was staring down at the book. Connor placed his hands against Jude's shoulders, trying to massage out the tension he held in his back.

"Why aren't exams over?" Jude complained.

"You haven't even taken your first one yet."

"Tomorrow."

"And you're going to be fine. You've been studying so hard."

"Because you've been studying like crazy and I feel like a jerk doing anything but studying along with you."

"You know this." Connor bent forward, reading the textbook. "Oh, this is that lit class you had to take."

"Yep. I didn't think the Russians were going to be boring."

"But you know it."

"I don't feel like I do and … Hey, no, don't stop that."

Connor hadn't even realized his massage had slowed.

"Exams should be over and we should be on vacation."

"If you can call spending a week with my dad a vacation."

"It's a vacation from my life," Jude pointed out. "And it means exams are over. And your dad isn't going to be around all the time and so maybe …"

"Maybe what?"

"New place, new things," Jude murmured. "I still want to try new things with you."

"I know." Connor kissed the side of Jude's head. "I know. But, um, exams, first. I need … need to get through exams."

Jude grumbled something so low that Connor barely caught anything of it – he thought he heard something about a block, but that was about it.

"Let me make something for you while you study," Connor suggested.

"Yeah? Something like what?"

"Cake," Connor said. "I can make it with extra icing, the way you like."

Connor gently stroked Jude's hair.

"I thought you had to study."

"Your exam's tomorrow, my next one isn't for another few days. I can bake you a cake … unless you don't want one."

"No! I love your cakes."

Connor laughed and he bent Jude's head back so that he could press a kiss to Jude's mouth. Jude grabbed onto Connor's hands.

"Kiss me again."

"You just want to put off studying."

"Yeah," Jude whined. "I have, like, three chapters left."

"Okay, well, every time you finish a chapter, I'll take something off."

"Something off of you or something off of me?"

"That's the surprise part."

"I like that plan!"

"It means you have to study."

"I will!"

Connor propped Jude up over his textbook and went into the kitchen. He started measuring out things for his cake while Jude started studying along.

"You need to take your notes and stuff."

"Yeah, yeah, I am." Jude was rapidly flipping pages and Connor doubted that he was actually studying as hard as he possibly could, but he also didn't doubt that Jude knew this subject. Jude had complained about it enough that he had to know what he was talking about. "One chapter down."

Connor shook his head but he grabbed the edges of his shirt and pulled it over his head. He took it and folded it, putting it on the counter. He wouldn't say he was comfortable with cooking half-naked but he knew that Jude would probably pull a face about false promises if Connor had taken Jude's shirt off first. He went back to measuring out his sugar but he glanced up again quickly when he realized that Jude hadn't gotten back to studying. Jude was propped up on his hand, staring at him.

"What is it?" Connor asked.

"You are the most perfect human being I have ever met. It's not even fair."

"Jude –"

"No, no, baby, no need to argue. I just want to look at you."

"Look at me?"

"There's a hot man half-naked cooking in my kitchen for me. I feel like everyone's had this fantasy at least once. Let me enjoy it."

Connor reached for his measuring cup again but he dropped his hand. "I feel so self-conscious about it!"

"I'm going to take a study break," Jude decided. "I think I deserve it."

"This plan didn't help you at all, did it?"

"No, but that's okay." Jude crooked a finger and Connor padded toward him. For a moment, he felt frustrated that he just thought of himself as obedient but it was different. If he'd planted himself in the kitchen and told Jude he'd rather stay there and bake, Jude wouldn't have asked him again. "You want to know what the best part of you is?"

Connor nodded and he stepped into Jude's hold. Jude's legs wrapped around his waist, holding him close, while Jude placed both hands against Connor's chest.

"You're mine," Jude whispered. "I'm yours. And this … couldn't happen with anyone else."

No, Connor agreed. It couldn't. He slid his arms around to Jude's back and pulled Jude to him, kissing him deeply. Connor couldn't imagine trusting anyone the way that he trusted Jude and, from there, he couldn't imagine being this way with anyone other than Jude. He couldn't imagine he would ever figure out how to trust someone this way again or that there would be someone who could impact his life in the way that Jude had. Jude was more than Connor could ever put into words. And he had an amazing ability to let Connor forget about his problems, at least temporarily, and forget that anything had gone wrong.

Jude laughed happily, leaning his head back, and Connor could see how dreamy his eyes looked. "I love you."

Connor kissed Jude quickly again. "You –"

But he was cut off by the ringing of Jude's phone. Jude reached over and tilted it toward him and Connor read 'Taylor' on the front of screen and then he quickly glanced at the clock.

"She's early."

"Because Brandon went to see her today," Jude said and he turned his phone around to display the screen.

"She left a voicemail," Connor commented.

Jude's face fell. "Do I listen to it? What do I do? It's not like it's my job to mediate between them."

"No, it's not," Connor agreed. "You can just delete it if you want to. No one would blame you if that was what you did."

Jude's hand hovered over his phone. "Maybe … Maybe between talking to Moms and Brandon, she realized something. What do you think?"

It took Connor a moment to realize that Jude sounded hopeful and then his heart broke for Jude. "Maybe. You won't know unless you listen right? And Stef and Lena said she was in a program and that she thought she was doing better there."

"Maybe." Jude called his voicemail and put it on speaker. Connor held his breath until he heard Taylor's voice.

"I don't understand you! You won't talk to me, you won't answer my calls, but you send your brother after me!? You don't even like Brandon all that much! I feel so bad about this already and you keep doing this to me! Talk to me yourself –"

"Message deleted."

Jude stared ahead stonily and Connor was afraid to say anything at all. Jude pushed Connor's hands away from him.

"I need to sit by myself. I need to …"

"Would you like me to leave?"

"Not the apartment. Just … leave me alone for a while."

Connor nodded, but it was hard to do as Jude went to go sit on the couch, staring ahead at the show in front of him. His eyes were blank and it was so hard for Connor to watch him look so upset but Jude needed to be left alone and Connor could do that. He went into the kitchen to finish up Jude's cake, trying to make as little noise as possible as he shuffled around the kitchen. He was pouring the batter into the cake pan when he heard Jude start to sniffle. Connor was torn; was he disrespecting Jude's wishes to go over to him now? Paralyzed by his indecision, Connor slid the cake in the oven and started filling the sink with water, and then Jude whimpered his name. As quickly as he could move, Connor was on the couch next to Jude as Jude collapsed into his arms and sobbed.

(-.-)

Connor woke to find that Jude had left bed. He pushed himself up onto his elbow, hearing small clanging noises in the kitchen. He pushed the covers off and slipped out of bed. He found Jude sitting on the floor of the kitchen, the fridge door propped open to give him a sliver of light. Connor padded into the kitchen and sunk down on the floor next to his boyfriend.

"I didn't mean to wake you up."

"It's okay," Connor said.

Jude was holding the cake container on his lap and had a bite on the end of his fork. Jude held it out to Connor. "I didn't really taste it when we had some with dinner."

"You were upset."

"I still am upset," Jude said. "I'd just rather be upset with cake now."

Connor took a bite of it. "So, what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to take my exam at nine, I'm going to be finished by twelve, I'm going to drive home, see Taylor, drive back, and then cry on your lap until I go to work at eight."

Connor wrapped his arm around Jude's shoulder and stroked his hair. "Are you sure you want to go see her?"

"I don't want to," Jude said, "but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of her. She has to stop calling every night. She has to stop talking to me the way that she does. I can't listen to her act like she's the victim when I lost everything and it's her fault and she needs to hear it. I need to say it. She and I can't keep doing this. I need her out of my life in order to heal, because she and I could never be friends again. This is far too big to come back from."

"Are you sure you'll be okay?"

"No. But I will be, eventually. I think this is just the next step." Jude took the fork back from Connor. "First cake, then Taylor. And then, hopefully, to better things."

"Don't forget about your exam."

"Ugh. We have to be up soon, don't we?"

"Soon enough. I can make you something for breakfast and supper. What do you want for supper?"

"The shrimp bake."

"Sure," Connor agreed. "Anything you want."

"A time machine."

"Sorry, I don't think I can that one."

"It was worth a shot to ask."

Connor rubbed Jude's arm. "You're getting cold from the fridge."

"I needed to see what I was eating."

Connor rested his head against Jude's. "Let's go back to bed, okay?"

"I'm not ready to put the cake down."

"Bring it to bed."

"What happened to sleeping in crumbs?"

"I can change the bed tomorrow," Connor said. "And it's more important to me that you're happy now."

"You make me happy," Jude said. "Okay, baby, help me up."

Connor pulled Jude onto his feet, making sure that the fridge door shut firmly. They stumbled around in the darkness until Jude made it to his bedside and clicked on his lamp. In the soft light, Connor made it back to his side of the bed, while Jude propped up his pillows and sat up, the cake container on his lap.

"Are you going to stay awake with me?" Jude asked.

"Sure," Connor said. "Do you want to talk about anything?"

"No," Jude said. "It's just lonely when you're sleeping."

Connor pulled one of Jude's fat pillows into his arms and curled up on his side, looking up at Jude as Jude took small bites of the cake. Jude was handsome – perhaps not in the utterly conventional way. He'd never be a contender for the front page of a magazine and Connor hadn't seen heads turn as Jude walked down the street, but Connor's did when Jude even sauntered across the apartment. Connor reached out one hand and edged up the hem of Jude's shirt, just so that he could touch Jude's soft skin.

"I love you, you know?" Jude whispered.

To Connor, that was really starting to feel like the gift it was. "I know."

Jude offered him another bite of the cake and Connor took it, letting the sugar stick to his tongue. The silence surrounded them from all sides but, tonight, that felt like a friend.

(-.-)

Jude woke first after his restless sleep. He pushed the blankets off him, watching Connor curl around the blankets. Jude felt exhausted and not at all ready for the day. How was he supposed to go and face Taylor today? How was he supposed to say everything that had crossed his mind about her? Should he even say those things? Even though he had to leave for his exam soon and that meant seeing Taylor was imminent, he still didn't want to think about it. He wanted to focus on absolutely anything else. Jude looked down at Connor. That was a much better thing to think about.

That and the fact that he had to pee. That was also much simpler to think about than Taylor.

On his way back from the bathroom, Jude spotted Connor's journal sitting on the edge of the counter. He remembered what he had told Connor and flipped to an empty page near the back. He found the poetry blog that he'd left bookmarked on his phone and then he scrolled until he found something that he thought would be good to write down.

I feel like a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything. Maybe we're from the same star – Emery Allen.

Jude added a poorly doodled heart to the end of the quote and then he put the pen down. He went to close the journal and then he let a few pages flip by, Connor's neat writing blurring together as the pages fell. He felt guilty and he shut the cover of the journal but he realized that he had never really thought about looking through it. Why would he? It was probably the biggest privacy violation that he could do to Connor. Because of that, though, he had never considered exactly what those pages contained. Connor's thoughts about leaving him, Connor's thoughts about coming back to him, how, exactly, Connor felt about him.

Jude shut the cover of the journal. If he wanted to know, he just had to ask. Connor would tell him. Connor would be honest with him – that, Jude didn't doubt. But to look through it would destroy something. It was a testament to how much Connor trusted him now that he just left the journal sitting out, not even with the small twist lock done up, casually waiting for the next time Connor came back to it. Jude left the journal alone, instead going to turn the coffee maker on. He left it to its own devices and went to get ready to leave. By the time he came back into the kitchen, Connor was awake and spooning sugar into Jude's mug.

"I didn't mean to wake you."

Connor shook his head. "I … I noticed as soon as you got out of bed. It's not as comfortable without you there."

It made Jude grin and he tilted forward, kissing Connor softly.

"I also saw you with my journal," Connor added.

"I told you I'd write cute notes in it," Jude said.

"Mhm," Connor said.

Jude knew Connor would never accuse him of anything, even if there was an odd trace of something in his eye.

"I thought about it," Jude blurted.

"Thought about what?" Connor asked, and Jude knew it was actually a question born of innocence.

"Reading it."

Connor quickly glanced at his journal and then back to Jude. "But you didn't. You wouldn't do that to me."

It was matter of fact.

"No, of course I wouldn't."

Connor smiled at him then and Jude felt his heart lift. "Why were you going to? What did you want to know?"

"How you justified leaving me."

"Oh. Is that … Is that something you really need to know?"

"I guess not. I mean, we know I can be happy without it. I just think about every so often."

Connor picked up his mug and carried it around. He flipped through his thick journal and settled on a page close to the middle. Connor turned it toward Jude.

"That's the start of it," Connor said. "That way, um, the day I changed my number. I didn't … I didn't write the day before, you know, when I talked to the detective."

"And abandoned me."

"Y-y-yeah."

Jude glanced down at the pages of writing and guilt ate at his heart. No. He couldn't do it. He shut the journal, leaving his hand on top of Connor's, even as his boyfriend stared at him with a confused look on his face.

"I thought that was what you wanted," Connor whispered.

"No, not like this," Jude decided. "Just … Tell me … Tell me what you think of me."

"What I think of you?"

Jude nodded. "Yeah. What do you think of me?"

Connor looked stunned. "I think you're the greatest person I've ever met and possibly the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I think that, um, after my mom, you're the only person I've ever actually felt safe with. I think I hardly know what to do with my days anymore when you're not around and it doesn't scare me like it did with my ex, because I just want to share things with you. I think you're my favourite person in the whole world. I think it's because of the way that you smile at me because I noticed that there's a way you smile at me that doesn't look at all like the way you smile at anyone else. Or it might be how hearing you laugh – about anything – makes me feel happy too because there's nothing at all like your laugh, Jude. I think I don't even begin to understand the person that you are because the fact that you're just a genuinely good person is almost inconceivable. I think that there's not enough words in the world to sum you up and I think it's unfair of you to even ask me to try to explain how I feel because what you do to me is so beyond words. I think I've done my best, though, because I think you deserve that from me." Connor hesitated and Jude felt like crying and, for the first time in a long time, they would be happy tears but before Jude could react, Connor quietly added on, "I think I've never had stronger feelings than the feelings I have for you. And I don't think that made any sense."

But Jude understood.

Jude understood and he left his coffee to cool on the counter so he could hide himself inside of Connor's arms. He wanted to stay right there forever because, as often as he felt that Connor was the one that needed protecting, Jude also felt like Connor would protect him. Connor kissed at his temple and Jude tilted his head back so that Connor kissed his lips.

"I wish you could come with me," Jude said.

"I can," Connor stressed. "I can be with you, wherever you want me to be."

"I know. I didn't mean to make it sound like you wouldn't or couldn't. I would just rather go by myself and know you're home so that apartment is warm and there's good food waiting and I get to come back to that."

"I'll be right here," Connor promised. "Is there anything else you want? More cake, maybe?"

"I didn't eat the entire thing last night," Jude whined.

"Most of it," Connor said, and Jude pulled a face. Just because Connor was right, didn't mean Jude was going to admit to it.

"Maybe some cake to take to work with me," Jude said.

"Sure. I'll have something for you to eat on your break," Connor said. "But you'll be home for supper, right?"

"Right. I don't work until eight, remember?"

"I remember. I should get you something for breakfast."

"I don't like eating before an exam," Jude said.

Connor stared at him. "I'm going to pack you something anyway. Call it lunch or an after-exam snack. You have to eat, you know, Jude."

"I know." Jude sank onto one of his stools as Connor started quickly puttering around the kitchen. It was so nice to be taken care of sometimes; it was so nice to know that there was someone to support him and pick up the slack on the days that he couldn't do it. He pulled his coffee mug into his hands, realizing it was emptier than he thought. "Can you pour me more coffee, baby?"

Connor tilted his head. "You have to leave soon. I should put it into the travel mug."

Connor was right, but Jude would give anything to have a reason to sit in his apartment for a few more minutes. He didn't want to write an exam that he didn't feel ready for. He didn't want to go on a visit that he knew he wasn't ready for. He wanted another day, boring at home, curled in Connor's lap like there was no outside world. But there was an outside world. And he had to work today. He hoped that Jason wasn't there but the odds weren't in his favour for that. Jason worked most nights. He was jolted from his thoughts as Connor sat a Tupperware container and the travel mug in front of him.

"Time to go," Jude said.

"Time to go," Connor said. "But you're going to do great on your exam, I know it."

"Thanks, baby."

"And dealing with Taylor will be hard but I know you can do that to."

He wished Connor sounded a little more confident. He wished he felt a little more confident.

Jude gathered up his things, kissed Connor goodbye, and headed up to his car.

There was no way that he was going to get through today.

(-.-)

Jude parked on the street outside of Taylor's house, surprised to see Daria's father's Jeep parked in the driveway. Jude crept up alongside the vehicle; Daria was sitting inside. Jude knocked on her window and Daria jumped, clearing tears away from her eyes as she rolled down her window, trying to paste a smile on her face.

"Jude! I didn't expect to see you."

"You either," Jude said. "Um, what are you doing here?"

"I've come to see her three times. I … She's not Taylor anymore. And I feel like it's partly my fault. If I hadn't gotten mad at her … If I had never … I'm so sorry about Callie, Jude."

"Thank you." It was getting easier to accept that. "What do you mean she's not her anymore?"

"She's just so bitter and angry. And don't believe her when she says the program is helping. She always smells like booze when I see her." Daria sighed and swept her hair from her forehead. "She keeps wanting me to come back and I keep doing it because I feel so guilty, like I should have done something more before anything happened, but I hate being here. I hate seeing her. I don't want to see her anymore, but I feel like I should."

"Don't," Jude advised. "Just cut her out, if that's what you want. She might grow up, probably deserves to find friends again, but it doesn't have to be us."

Daria laughed. "Yeah? Then what are you doing here?"

"To tell her that. She won't leave me alone. She keeps making it sound like it's my fault she did anything. Like it's still my job to take care of her pain. I'm not going to treat her like a victim."

"Damn right."

"It's her fault."

"It is," Daria agreed.

"Not yours, at all." Daria began to roll her eyes at his words but Jude cut her off with, "It's as much your fault as it is mine."

Reality sank into her face and she nodded. "Thanks. I … I hope she gets better but, you're right, I don't need to be that person for her anymore, do I?"

"No, we don't," Jude said. "I want this to be the last time I see her, at least for a really long time and I'm still conflicted. She was a good friend."

Daria had a thin-lipped smile on her face as she nodded. Jude knew she understood. Understood in a way that Connor didn't, even though Connor tried so hard to get it completely. It was nice, in that moment, to feel that kind of solidarity, especially with what he knew he was about to walk into.

"I hope everything else is going okay for you," Daria whispered, and Jude saw it for the closing line it was. Despite the closeness they had shared in high school, it was the routine of being so close – as well as Taylor – that had bound he and Daria together. When they had left for college, they had commented on the same Facebook posts, met up on weekends and holidays when they were home, with the ever-vivacious blonde bouncing between them, but they wouldn't have called themselves close friends. Now, Jude knew that they weren't going to get that closeness back again. There would never be another event that would bring them back together.

"It is," Jude said. "How are you?"

It shouldn't be awkward like it was. He has known Daria for about eight years, seen her go from a trying to be graceful thirteen-year-old to an actually graceful adult. She was one of the first people to know he was gay and was half the reason why he'd eventually had to come out to the school because, if there was one thing Daria didn't do well, it was keep a secret. He was there for her major first break up – carried the cookies in his backpack while Taylor balanced the ice-cream and whined that, as the guy, he should also be carrying that too.

"I'll be fine, Jude. Thanks for asking."

Jude leant away from her window, feeling like he should go inside now, but also feeling like there was something more that he should be saying, even if he had no idea what it was. The thought that he was looking at the end of his childhood drifted across his mind and his heart ached. It's an actual, physical, tangible end, rather than waking up one morning with the realization that the innocence of being a kid disappeared years ago and died such a quiet death that he didn't even realize it had happened until too late.

"Daria?"

"Hmm?"

"Keep my number, okay? Just in case you need anything. I'll always answer the phone for you, okay?"

Daria smiled and it actually looked genuine. "You too, Jude. Good luck with Taylor."

"Thanks, I have a feeling I'll need it."

Daria waved at him and then she turned on the Jeep and backed out of the driveway. Jude stood still until she was out of sight and then he walked the familiar path up to Taylor's front door. He had walked it a hundred, if not a thousand times, in at least as many different moods. He'd come here before happy and angry, looking for a friend or looking for a fight. Jude couldn't remember if he'd done it feeling so empty before. He didn't feel anything as he looked at the house that had raised him almost as much as Stef's and Lena's had. Not even the nostalgic pain that he had expected to feel. He was just tired – of Taylor, of pain, of mind games. He knocked on the front door but had barely gotten one rap in before Taylor yanked it open.

"Jude!"

His mind stuttered and stalled. How could she be smiling at him like that? Like they hadn't seen each other for a month because life got in the way but now they were home for summer vacation and things were going to be like they used to. Like they still should be. But Jude knew there was no going back; he just wondered how he was going to make Taylor see it, because she still didn't seem to get it, which just disgusted him. She was still looking at him like he was her best friend.

"I didn't expect to see you. I –" She dragged her hand through her ratty blonde hair. "Are you going to come in?"

"No." He wasn't going to make himself comfortable on her couch like it was some kind of casual social call. He could say what he needed to from the doorway.

"Oh. Um, did you want to go out somewhere? I just need to get dressed –"

"Taylor, stop," he snapped, and her face fell. The part of him that had cared about her for years ached but that part of him was so small now that he hardly felt it. "You need to stop."

"Stop what? What did I do?"

"You killed my sister!"

"I didn't mean to!" Tears welled up in her eyes but Jude refused pity.

"You didn't do anything to stop it, either, and now you need to leave me alone, and I mean it. No more phone calls. No more trying to talk to me. Just nothing, okay? You need to forget we were ever friends because we're never going to be again! Even if I could manage to forgive you for this – which, believe me, I don't and I never will because I won't betray Callie like that – the way you've acted lately has been awful. You killed someone!"

"And I'm going to go to jail for it!"

"Good!" Jude shouted. "You deserve to! Clean yourself up, realize what you've done wrong, and I don't just mean the accident itself. You haven't treated me like I was a friend since –"

"Neither have you!"

"YOU KILLED MY SISTER!" Jude wanted to shake her, wanted to scream until he has no voice. They weren't talking rocket science; there was nothing complicated for her to miss. She just didn't want to see it. She just didn't want to face it. And that was really the part that Jude couldn't stomach. "Never speak to me again. That's all there is to it. I hope you get help, I hope you get better, and I hope I never come face to face with you again. That's all there is to it."

Jude was sure he was thinking he had more to say but it was like talking to a brick wall. There was nothing there at all. And Taylor didn't care. She wasn't even trying to get it, and it meant she just didn't care. Jude turned his back to go to his car again. He wanted to be home. He wanted the strength of Connor's arms around him.

"I want you in my life," Taylor called after him.

Jude half-turned. "You don't get to make that decision."

"I don't get any say?"

"No and if you were a better person, you'd understand that."

Taylor crumpled and Jude's arms twitched, like he wanted to go to her side and hug her. He had been holding her up for so long now and Taylor could be a wonderfully supportive friend. Jude wondered where that side of her had gone.

"Jude, I'm going to miss you."

"Me too," Jude told her, but he wondered how long the Taylor he's going to miss has actually been gone.

Jude felt cold from the inside out as he walked back to his car. Such a short visit. Such a small amount of time for such a long friendship to boil down to. He felt hollow, like all of his organs had left and his bones were starting to disintegrate. He stumbled into the driver's seat and fumbled for his phone. He opened his text messages, his eyes glancing down to Stef's and Lena's numbers. He wasn't that far from home. He could go to them. But it was the middle of the day on a weekday and he knew they weren't there. If he called, he knew they would come home. His heart thudded oddly. No, this weekend, he would text them. They wanted to come visit him before he and Connor went to visit Connor's father. This weekend would be perfect.

He texted Connor: On my way.

Connor: I'll be here, waiting.

It was that promise that sent Jude flying home. He knew he was driving on auto-pilot, he knew he should try to check back into reality, but he knew the way home without any effort and it felt like the whole drive went by in the blink of an eye. Jude left his car in his strip of driveway and half-tumbled down the hill, unlocking his front door. He shut it behind him with a slam harder than he meant to as he collapsed back against the door.

"Oh, Jude! You're early. Were you speeding?" Connor hurried out of the kitchen, looking concerned, and Jude couldn't help but liken him to a clucking mother hen. The image was funny, but not quite enough to make him smile.

"I'm fine."

Connor locked the door before pulling Jude tightly into his arms. "How did it go?"

"Worse than I wanted it to but as I expected," Jude murmured and he hid his face in the soft fold of Connor's t-shirt.

"I've got you," Connor murmured. "It's okay, come here."

On the couch, Jude collapsed into Connor's lap, his head against Connor's thigh. His boyfriend gently rubbed at his arm and Jude was glad for the silence. Glad to just sit and stare at the fine gold hairs on Connor's thick forearm. Connor bent down and kissed him softly on the cheek and Jude burst into tears.

"I hate her."

"And that's okay," Connor murmured.

Nothing really felt okay but that wasn't Connor's fault, and Connor was doing everything that he could to hold him together. Jude pulled insistently at the front of Connor's shirt until Connor laid down with him, holding him so tightly that Jude knew his organs had come back because he could feel them all squished together. He closed his eyes, feeling the exhaustion settle in.

"Don't let go."

"Of course not."

Jude closed his eyes and let himself fall asleep. It was easier than anything else he'd done today.

(-.-)

Jude would never say that he had a penchant for violence but he was so glad that he was going to go on break because he was about to hit Jason. Not that Jason was doing anything spectacularly annoying or anything that was particularly out of his character. Jason was just being himself but that was a particularly frustrating self. And Jude wasn't in the mood today. He left Jason standing behind the counter and collapsed on the break room couch. He pulled out the dinner that Connor had packed him, since Jude hadn't woken from his nap until it was nearly time to go to work.

Jude rubbed at the back of his neck and popped the pasta into the microwave before taking the lid off his cake. When he pulled off the top of the container, he noticed a sticky note on the top. He recognized Connor's writing immediately.

Things That Fall:

petals

teardrops

snowflakes

rain

stars

tides

eyelids

time

shadows

leaves

the sun

and me,

for you. – James Browning

I couldn't let you be the only one saying sweet things. I hope you have a good night at work.

Jude buried his face in his hands and started to cry again but happy tears this time. He picked up his phone and took a picture of the note, sending it to Connor with the text: I love you. Thank you for everything.

There was no reply, but Jude didn't expect there to be. It was nearing midnight and if Connor weren't asleep by now, Jude would be surprised. But he left the note sitting in front of him as he ate his dinner. Then, when he had to go back onto the floor, he kept the note in his pocket, as if he could draw strength from that as he powered through the rest of his shift, trying to let Jason's words – not just about him but about everything – flow off his back. Finally, at quarter after two in the morning, his late shift replacement showed up and Jude couldn't get out of there fast enough. He hurried down the chilled street and the grass already felt slick and dewy under the soles of his sneakers. He nearly dropped his keys as he pushed his house key into the lock. He stepped inside, closing and locking the door quietly. He knew Connor would want him to put his dishes in the dishwasher right away, but Jude saw no harm in letting them sit in his bag until morning. He left his bag resting against the wall and made his way over to his dresser, his way lit only by the light from his phone. He stripped off his work shirt and pulled on an old t-shirt. He dropped his jeans and then realized he had no strength left to pull on pyjama pants. Would Connor be bothered if he went to bed in only his boxers?

Connor had seen him naked. His legs couldn't be a bother now. Just thinking of their shower together sent adrenaline in his veins and it made him feel oddly awake, but only for a moment. His exhaustion crept back in, just as he expected and he stumbled to bed, putting his phone on his nightstand before crawling into the gap in the curtains.

Connor was curled up on his side of the bed but Jude noticed Connor was sleeping on his favourite pillow, rather than the flat pillows that Connor preferred. It made Jude smile; he knew Connor missed him when he had to go to bed alone, but Jude was sure he liked to overestimate just how much it was. Jude flopped down and the mattress rolled underneath of him as he started reaching for comforters. He had just drawn one blanket up over him when Connor's arms surrounded him, moving with awareness and purpose.

"Did I wake you?" Jude whispered.

"I wanted you to," Connor murmured, his voice sleepy and oddly sexy at the same time.

"You did?"

"Mhm."

Jude turned to face Connor's chest, resting his head along Connor's bicep. He felt Connor's lips brush his forehead. Jude hooked his leg over Connor's hip, just wanting to feel as close as possible as he could to someone.

"I got your note, at work," Jude said.

"What did you think?" Connor asked and he sounded so nervous that Jude almost found it ridiculous.

"I loved it. I love you."

"That's what I thought you'd say," Connor admitted and he exhaled heavily. "I just wanted to make sure."

Connor's fingertips touched his leg, briefly at first, and then he touched him again, with more purpose.

"Your legs are cold," Connor observed.

"Warm me up." Jude didn't really mean to make it sound as flirtatious as it came out – he didn't know he could sound like that when he was fully awake, let alone a little exhausted, but there it was.

Connor's hand went tentatively up the back of his shirt. "You feel warm there."

"That's not everywhere."

"Aren't you sleepy?"

"No. Are you?"

Connor's lips pressed against his as Jude flopped it onto his back. Connor followed him over, his body stretching out along Jude's body. Jude kept one leg locked around Connor's waist and it felt so nice to just stretch out in bed, making out with his boyfriend, and letting the day roll off of him. Jude got one hand underneath of Connor's shirt and every bit of his boyfriend was tensed with the way he was holding himself up and damn him if the feel of those muscles didn't wreak havoc on his body.

"Connor," Jude whispered, "Connor, please."

"Please what?"

It thrilled Jude that Connor sounded breathless. He loved that he could do that to Connor too. "Please, I want to touch you this time."

Even in the mostly dark lighting, Jude could see conflict and confusion dart across Connor's expression.

"I'm not going to hurt you. You even said it, I've never hurt you."

Jude could feel that Connor was hard, pressing against the inside of his thigh. And Jude wanted to know more. He wanted to follow the desire he had in the shower and run his longue along the length of Connor's entire body, just because he could. He wanted Connor to feel comfortable enough to let him.

"I don't know. I mean, shouldn't … If we're going to … to do anything, um, don't you want … want to be first."

Jude imagined that was what it was like with his ex and the thought made Jude's stomach hurt a little. But Connor enjoying the physical part of the relationship was just as important to Jude as his enjoyment of it, if not more. If one of them didn't feel comfortable and happy, then neither of them truly did. Jude knew that. It was how he and Connor were, but it wasn't how Connor thought about sex, and Jude knew that.

"No," Jude said. "I think you should be first this time. I do owe you."

"So, it is a trade." Connor's voice fell flat between them, like a hammer striking stone.

"No! I didn't mean like you owed me or I owed you. I want to show you that it can be good for you if you're the one getting the orgasm. Your turn," Jude finished lamely.

"I don't know."

"I want to try if you want to try. You can tell me to stop at any time. You can tell me to not even start."

Connor kissed him again. "Move slow."

Jude felt his heart jump forward into his mouth and he started pulling Connor's shirt up.

"Wait! No!" Connor blurted. "No."

Immediately, Jude's hands left Connor's body completely, letting Connor shift over to the side and put a sliver of space between them. Jude shuffled to the side but found his willpower was just a little too weak to take him too much further. Unless he saw Connor was just in too much pain.

"Sorry," Connor said. "It's just … It's late and I don't know how awake I am and you, um, you have had such … such a long day too and … and …"

"Baby, it's okay," Jude said. "It is. You're right, you're right."

"I'm sorry."

Connor grasped onto Jude's wrist, but softly, like he didn't want to push. It was how Connor always touched him, feather light and delicious. Jude allowed Connor to guide his tired body to his, his back tucking against Connor's chest. Jude loved when Connor held him like that; he loved how Connor could make him feel like the small one.

"Goodnight, Jude."

"Goodnight, baby," Jude murmured. "I love you."

He felt Connor gently press his face against his shoulder blade and Jude smiled to himself. He threaded his fingers through Connor's and held on, even as he fell fast asleep.

(-.-)

Jude woke; the first thing he was aware of was just how warm he felt. It was like falling asleep wrapped in all of his blankets in the middle of the summer. It made him feel like he had been sleeping for far too long, his body stiff from laying in the same position for so long. He picked up his head and then realized Connor's arms were still locked around him, which meant it couldn't possibly be as late in the day as he wanted it to be. Connor didn't sleep in like this, especially when he had an exam to write tomorrow morning. Jude dropped his hands down, feel along the muscles of Connor's arms.

"Morning," Connor said, and Jude could feel his lips moving against the back of his neck.

Connor sounded awake, as if he had been lying there for a while.

"You're up."

"I'm always up before you," Connor pointed out simply.

"Most of the time," Jude corrected and he wiggled in Connor's grasp until he was turned around to face his boyfriend. "You're up before me most of the time."

Connor smiled at him, but it was small. He looked serious and the idea of a frown was flitting across his face.

"Thinking about something?" Jude guessed.

"Yeah," Connor admitted. "I've been up for a while, just thinking."

"Something good or something bad?"

It couldn't have been that bad, Jude reasoned. If it had been, there was no way Connor would be still laying here with him, their bodies pressed so tightly together, ignoring all of the room that they had in Jude's bed.

"I …" Connor said, and then he took a long, deep breath. "I was thinking about having sex with you."

Jude half-choked on his tongue. "What?"

"I was thinking about having sex with you," Connor repeated, quiet but matter-of-fact.

"And?" Jude said.

"And I can't … picture it." Connor shook his head. "Um, I think that came out wrong."

"Why?"

"It's not … It's, um, not that I don't l-like you. Not that I don't … Not that I'm not attracted … t-t-to you. And I … I can almost wrap my … my head around, uh, other things. Trying new things. I l-l-liked showering with you."

Connor flushed deep red and Jude's stomach lurched, but not like he was about to throw up, but like he was excited. Maybe too excited.

"Me too," Jude agreed. "I definitely liked that."

Connor's lips twitched up into a semblance of a smile. "But … when I think about … about sex, about, um, going that far … There's … There's still a wall. A block. A … a something I can't … see around. Can't feel around. The thought … that about going that far … It makes me sick, Jude. I don't, um. I-I-I … That's not about you," he finished in a whisper.

"I know," Jude said. "I understand."

"I just wanted to make sure you knew and I wanted to make sure I knew." Connor shrugged.

Jude snuggled closer to Connor, though there wasn't much closer that they could get.

"I'm here for you," Jude said. "No matter what."

"I still want to kiss you, though."

"I'm surprised you're not already four hours into your exam notes."

"Oh! Well, I had another thought, earlier, when I was waiting for you to wake up. Two, actually, I guess."

"Trying to break a record or something?" Jude joked, and Connor looked slightly offended for only a moment before he smiled.

"My first thought was I couldn't wake you," Connor said. "My second thought was … was bribery."

"Bribery?" Jude asked.

"Yeah," Connor said.

"You're going to have to give me more than that."

"I just thought that … the more I kissed you, the more you'd help me … with my cue cards."

"I'd help you with your cue cards anyway," Jude said. "And I hope not all of your kissing is bribery."

"No, I think this would be the first time," Connor said, concentrating just hard enough that it made Jude laugh. "And I know you would help me. I also know you don't like my cue cards."

"I just don't like watching you get so worked up over things you already know," Jude corrected. "I would help you no matter what."

"Maybe … maybe it's easier to phrase it that way than to admit just how much I want to kiss you."

Jude's gaze flickered to Connor's lips. He was tired of just talking about it. He tilted forward, to find Connor was already leaning toward him. Connor's arms tightened around him and Jude found himself on his back, surrounded by his boyfriend. It felt like the frenzied moment of when he'd gotten home last night, but Jude knew that this would last longer. His heart started racing in his chest as Connor's kiss moved even the slightest bit past innocent and Jude wondered if that feeling would ever completely fade. For all the time he had spent with Dylan, for all that he had loved Dylan, he had to admit that their relationship had faded into comfortable very quickly. Not that being with Connor was uncomfortable. There was the easiness of knowing one another but he still thrilled when Connor touched him. There was a certain kind of passion between he and Connor that was distinctly lacking when it came to his last relationship.

Even Connor's fingers, hesitant even though he had done it before, sliding under his shirt to rest against his ribs sent adrenaline surging and made him feel like he didn't know everything, like he had never been touched before. And Jude loved that too. He loved feeling like he and Connor were in the same place, on the same page, in perfect sync. Even if that last one only lasted a few perfect seconds every time and the rest of the time, they could only be called in harmony.

Jude wasn't exactly sure when it happened – sometime between a blanket and two pillows falling off the bed and his rolling Connor so he could straddle his thighs – but his shirt was gone and so was Connor's. Jude settled back against Connor's legs, taking a deep breath. His mouth itched from how Connor's morning stubble rubbed his own but, even though it was a little uncomfortable, Jude liked that too. He also liked the way Connor was looking at him, even though he didn't really understand it. One of his hands was holding tightly onto Connor's, right where it always seemed to end up because he liked to hang onto Connor and Connor liked to hang onto him, but with his free hand, Connor walked his fingers from the waistband of Jude's boxers up to the dip in his collarbone.

"Like what you see?" Jude teased, fumbling inside of himself for a bravado and ego he knew he didn't really have.

"Yes," Connor said and he flattened his hand across Jude's stomach.

Jude tried to lean back, tried to suck in his stomach, tried to make himself look just a little bit better for Connor. Connor's thumb smoothed across his abdomen.

"Jude," Connor said. "I like you as you are."

Jude almost blushed. Of course, Connor could see through him. It was wonderful to have someone who knew him that well but it was also nerve-wracking.

"I …"

Jude almost tripped over his words. He wasn't used to being the one who was so unsure and he wasn't used to Connor being the one who had all of the answers. But it had to happen sometimes, he supposed.

"You are …" Connor bit down on his bottom lip. "You are my hot boyfriend."

"I like that," Jude said. "I like hearing you say that."

"It … I wish … I was more comfortable saying it. For you."

"We'll work on it," Jude decided.

"Like you're going to help me work on my –"

Jude bent down and kissed Connor before Connor could get even close to talking about class.

"Five more minutes."

"You're going to turn it into ten."

"Then coffee, breakfast …" Jude mused.

"I need to –" Jude kissed him again and leant back, feeling satisfied as he saw Connor's eyes go a little cloudy. It was another, much needed ego boost. "I-I-I need to kiss you."

Jude laughed.

"I do need to study."

"We have all day."

"I don't know what time it is," Connor said.

"Even better. Then we definitely have all day."

"I don't know what kind of logic that is but I don't know if I agree with it."

"It means, five more minutes, baby, please?"

"Do you know how hard it is to say no to you?"

Jude drew a finger up Connor's abs. "Especially when you don't want to say no."

"Fine," Connor agreed. "Ten more minutes."

Jude laughed and bent down, kissing Connor again. The morning was perfect – as perfect as it could possibly get – and it was everything that he needed after yesterday. Connor was all that he needed right now and he smiled as his boyfriend kissed him.

"I love you."

Connor's lips brushed against his, feather-light. "You're my favourite person."

And Jude kissed him again, because it was all he wanted.

The chapter's title is after the song Time To Mend by Barcelona. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~