Connor hurried to the front of the restaurant, hoping he didn't look unbearably terrible. He checked the text he had gotten from Jude and made sure it was the right restaurant. He locked his bike to the bike rack out front, hooked his helmet around the top of his backpack, and then walked in the door. The hostess looked at him with all the pep that her job required.

"Um, I'm meeting people here," Connor stuttered after her bright greeting.

"Sure."

"Um, I just, I see them … over there."

Connor quickly ran away from her and toward Jude, Stef, and Lena. His stomach felt like it was in a knot. He liked Jude's parents but, as things were the last time he saw them, he still had no idea whether or not Stef and Lena still liked him. If they had ever truly liked him. He pulled off his hat and toyed with it before he sat on the booth next to Jude, leaning in instinctually when Jude went to kiss his cheek.

"Hi, Connor," Lena greeted, and he thought she sounded happy to see him.

"Hi."

"Jude said you had an exam," Stef said.

Connor nodded. "Y-yeah. I have, um, one more. Econ. Then, I'm done for the term."

He felt entirely out of his element, at a slightly nice, though not overwhelming, restaurant with Jude's parents. It was worse that he hadn't really had time to prepare for it. He had walked out of his exam with a text of where to meet Jude, Stef, and Lena. He didn't even look decent for a dinner with his boyfriend's parents. He was wearing one of Jude's too-tight shirts – partly because it was the first one that he grabbed out of the still cycling dryer and partly because he had hoped that the scent of Jude would act as a good-luck charm during his exam – under one of his rattier button-ups and he'd even worn sweatpants out of the house, fully intending to go home and nap on the couch next to Jude while Jude called for take-out. Jude had promised him Chinese food.

But now here he was, trying not to fidget, thinking that he should have learnt his lesson properly and never have left the house as anything less than perfectly put together.

"How many more do you have, Jude?"

"Two," Jude said, while Connor thought the same thing. Connor glanced over at Jude, meeting his eyes as Jude added, "Connor finishes before I do."

It was a normal addition and if Connor hadn't been looking at Jude, he probably wouldn't have blushed. But he was looking at Jude and he did see the look in Jude's eye and even though Jude was only lightly teasing him, Connor couldn't stop his reaction. Jude was flirting with him and Connor … Connor really liked that. His wrist skimming the side of the table, Connor reached over and took Jude's hand. Jude squeezed his hand.

"I hope you weren't waiting for me long," Connor said quickly.

"A few minutes," Lena said.

"We just ordered appetizers," Jude said, "but no main course."

"You didn't have to wait," Connor said.

"It would have been rude of us not to."

Connor bit down on the inside of his lip, unsure of how to speak to Stef. The conversation didn't linger on anything to do with him and he would have been glad for it – if not for where the actual conversation ended up going. It wound around to Taylor and Jude's visit to see her. Connor didn't have to look at Jude this time to know what he looked like. He knew how the corners of Jude's mouth would turn down and how his forehead would crease. Jude's thumb started tapping anxiously against the back of Connor's hand. Connor smoothed his own thumb against Jude's skin in an attempt to be comforting. He still didn't know exactly what he should do when Taylor came up.

"I can't try when it comes to Taylor. It's, um, not good for me and I … I need to be there for me," Jude said and Connor could hear the pain in his voice.

"Have you heard from her since you went to see her?" Lena asked.

Jude shook his head. "No. I keep expecting it. But, no."

The waitress came back and dropped off small plates for appetizers along with the large plate of nachos they had ordered.

"Are you ready to order the main course?" she asked.

"Oh, sure," Stef said.

Connor scrambled to pull Jude's menu toward him, ordering the first pasta dish that he laid eyes on. Was it selfish of him to wish to be on the couch waiting for Chinese food when Jude clearly needed time with his parents? Yes. Absolutely. It didn't stop him from daydreaming about it and from barely picking at the nachos, barely listening as Stef informed Jude that he should always be putting himself first. It sounded so parental, almost overly so, and Connor glanced up from the tabletop to catch the look on Lena's face, seeing the moment before she covered the pain of losing a daughter. Connor's heart ached and he felt even more insanely guilty for wishing he didn't have to have dinner with them tonight of all nights. If they needed their son around, if they needed mother, then he couldn't resent that at all. It was what they were here for and he knew that Jude wasn't healed – as much as a person could heal from a loss like that – and he also had to acknowledge that Stef and Lena were probably the same way, though that was something harder for Connor to wrap his head around. He was just so close to Jude's pain – to the way that Jude had stopped crying himself to sleep every night but it still happened, to the way he had turned all of the family photos on his bookshelf around to face the wall, but he couldn't bring himself to remove Taylor's photos yet, and to the way that he had hidden Callie's camera in his sock drawer after spending endless days just staring at it. Connor idly thought that he should convince Jude to bring it on vacation with them.

While he had been lost in thought, the conversation had ambled away from Taylor, instead going toward visiting Adam.

"Anything fun planned?" Lena asked.

"Oh, I don't know," Jude said. "Connor's trip, Connor's responsibility."

"Uh oh," Connor managed, thrown off-kilter by Jude's grin.

"Come on, there has to be a few places you've thought about showing me," Jude pressed.

Of course, there had been but the one place that Connor wanted to take Jude the most seemed completely inappropriate to mention here. He wanted to take Jude to the cemetery; he wanted Jude to meet his mother in the only way possible for him to. But he couldn't say that.

"Um, I don't know. It's … It's not a really interesting place. I guess, um, maybe my school and the places I liked. Good places to eat."

Their main dishes were dropped off and their water glasses refilled. An awkward silence lulled until the waitress was drawn away again.

"I'm sure your father has thought of a few things for you to do," Stef mentioned.

"Maybe," Connor admitted reluctantly. "He … He will probably want to go to the batting cages. We always did that together. And, uh, I said I'd make dinner for us and his girlfriend one night."

"You didn't tell me that," Jude said.

"I haven't really wanted to think about it," Connor admitted quietly, his stomach rolling with queasiness. He hated meeting new people, particularly when they were important new people. What if she didn't like him?

"It'll be great."

Connor shoved a meatball across his spaghetti. Jude's pep didn't convince him, not for a second but he struggled to get a smile on his face. His mind dragged, feeling tired. He was thinking back to his exam now – to everything he should have known and didn't, to everything that he probably did know but was questioning anyway. He spun some pasta around his fork.

"Thank you for inviting me to dinner," he said.

"We're always glad to see you," Lena said. "And we're glad that you and Jude made amends."

His heart twisted and he whispered, "Me too."

It was unbelievable to him that he was here at all and that Jude had even allowed him to make amends like they did and he felt a little too sick to eat his pasta. He forced himself to take a systematic bite anyway. It would be rude not to. He didn't want to talk about what had happened between he and Jude. He was sure Stef and Lena had heard, by now, what had gone wrong. He was sure that they had their judgements and their opinions but, though he respected the two of them, he didn't want to hear them. When it came to what was going on, it was Jude's opinion that had to matter most. If Connor were being totally honest with himself, when it came to most things now, it was still Jude's opinion that mattered most.

He blundered his way through the rest of dinner, where nothing more about he and Jude's relationship was really commented on, which he was grateful for. And he also managed to bow out before dessert, but that was because, despite himself, he'd almost fallen asleep on Jude's shoulder.

"Thank you so much for dinner," he said, feeling bad as he took his takeout box and stood from the table.

"It was so nice to see you. I hope you have a lot of fun with your father, since we probably won't be able to see you before."

"Thanks, Lena. Have a nice drive back."

He pulled his hat low over his eyes as he stood up.

"I'll be home soon," Jude said.

"Take your time. I might just go right to bed. I'm exhausted."

Jude nodded and crooked his finger. Connor bent down and kissed Jude on the cheek before sweeping from the restaurant. He hooked his bag over his shoulders and pedaled back to Jude's apartment as swiftly as he could. He locked the bike to the deck and unlocked the front door. He checked through the few rooms but it was empty, everything just as it should be. He put his spaghetti in the fridge and then he collapsed onto the couch. He had meant to end up in bed but, perhaps, it was too early to do that, no matter how tired he was. He drew the plaid blanket up around him and found a cooking competition that was just beginning. The minutes ticked by as he watched and, just before the winner was announced, the show cut to commercial. Jude walked in, then.

"Hey, baby, I brought you a brownie from the restaurant. They were really good. I didn't want you to miss out."

"Thanks."

"Also, you'll never guess what Moms bought us," Jude said, and Connor could hear the laughter in his voice as he crossed over to the kitchen.

"What?" Connor asked, not particularly in the mood to play a guessing game.

"Condoms and lube," Jude said. "They want us to be safe. I told him that we weren't there yet but, uh, well, that's what we've got."

"Oh."

"I'll just stick them away," Jude said. "We won't have to think about them at all."

Connor heard the fridge door open and shut and then he heard Jude fiddling around in his dresser. Despite himself, Connor pushed himself up on his elbows to watch Jude undress, his dirty clothes collapsing onto the floor. Jude pulled his pyjama pants on and then stretched his arms far above his head, reaching into the drawer full of his sleep shirts.

"No, don't," Connor said, and then he felt bad for both ordering Jude around and thinking of their condoms while he did it. He pushed the condoms to the back of his mind and he corrected himself on the other matter, feeling like he had gotten far too comfortable in his relationship with Jude and had forgotten everything that was right. "Please, don't."

But Jude just laughed, shutting the drawer and walking over to Connor. "What? You like me or something?"

"Something," Connor mumbled, turning onto his side so there would be room on the couch for Jude to join him.

"I'll take it," Jude decided.

Connor liked him. Connor liked how warm he was and how easy it was to just be with him. Connor tucked himself under Jude's arm, pressing his ear over Jude's heart and counting the steady thumps in his mind. He got up to forty-eight before Jude moved.

"How are your moms?"

"Good. Thank you for coming to dinner, even though I know you didn't want to be there."

"I was trying not to be obvious."

"You never want anything after an exam," Jude said. "It wasn't hard for me to tell but I like that you tried."

Jude was worth trying for.

"How do you feel about your exam?"

"Terrible."

"You've said that before."

"I still feel it," Connor said defensively.

"At least you have some time to relax before you start studying for the next one."

"Jude, would you honestly call me a relaxed person?"

"No," Jude admitted and Connor half-shivered as Jude's breath sent his hair blowing. "Not usually. I think you're doing a great impression of it now."

Only because Jude's heartbeat was like a lullaby. Only because Jude's arms were strong enough to keep him safe. Connor turned his face into Jude's bare chest, listening to his breath heave through his lungs. He slid his fingers along Jude's stomach, reaching for his ribs. Jude kissed his forehead and then at his cheek, just enough so Connor would tilt his head back and give Jude his lips. Connor slid his hand around to Jude's back, appreciating how Jude could feel surrounding without feeling suffocating. He let his fingers wander further down Jude's spine, feeling and exploring. He had touched Jude's back before, of course, but it hadn't been in quite the same way. To really feel his skin and let his fingers creep further and further down, feeling his heart start to stutter in his chest.

"Connor," Jude gasped.

"What?" Connor asked, his hands still against Jude's butt.

"You're going to drive me insane."

"Sorry. Do you want me to … stop?" He lingered over the last word. He didn't want to stop and he hoped Jude didn't want to either.

"No," Jude said, and to Connor's surprise, a small laugh erupted from Jude's lips. "I'm just a little surprised at you."

"It feels right," Connor said. "And, why stop something that feels that way?"

Jude hooked his leg over Connor's and Connor's hands spread wider against him.

"You're the one that said new things, right?"

"Yeah, but I meant for you."

"Technically," Connor said, his voice catching as he tried not to dwell on it, "none of it's really new to me."

"I meant, last time it was you giving me something. I thought next time it could be me giving you something. Or this time."

The thought if it was tempting and Connor felt his hips jerk toward Jude before he really thought about it. But, the reality of it was a little more horrifying. To let Jude touch him would be to make himself vulnerable. It would be so easy for Jude to hurt him. Connor knew that. Connor had felt it before but not from Jude. But could he take that chance? Connor's stomach flopped.

"I'll go slow, give you lots of time to say no," Jude said. "And you can always say no, to anything, whenever you want."

"I can always say no," Connor repeated.

Connor kissed Jude quickly and then he sat up, taking his shirt off as quickly as he could and dropping it onto the floor beside the couch. His fingers itched with the irrational urge to fold it, even in a moment like the one they were having now. Jude's hands were hot against his skin and Connor didn't flinch. He liked it and if he liked it what they had done so far, was it so wrong to think that he might like a little more?

Maybe.

There were still times when inviting in the physical affection with Jude was hard for him to do, since he wasn't supposed to ask for it. He wasn't really supposed to even like it that much. He was just there to be used when his ex needed something. That was what he had gotten used to in the years with his ex-boyfriend. It was familiar and it was safe. Jude was safe but he wasn't familiar. There was still unpredictability written in his brown eyes.

Connor felt like his heart nearly stopped as Jude kissed him, hands sliding down. Physically, his body was excited. Mentally, his mind was jumping around and scrabbling. He bit down on the inside of his lip as Jude slowly worked his pants down. He sucked in a breath as Jude actually kissed his hipbone and his brain stuttered over that too. Jude was gentle and that was almost worse. Pain, at least, Connor knew what to do with; he knew how to react to that. But when Jude's hand, feeling incredibly big, wrapped around him, Connor's mind went entirely blank. There was nothing but Jude's palm and Jude's head resting against his ribs. Jude's breath made him shiver. Fragmented thoughts bounced around in his mind and he couldn't seem to catch his breath.

It was … good. For a split moment, Connor only felt surprise, despite what Jude was doing. And it had to do with the fact that Jude's grasp was almost a little too loose but he was warmed from that fact too, because it meant that Jude was listening and was trying so hard not to hurt him. Jude's hand moved a little faster and a sound that Connor hadn't really meant to make spilled from his lips.

"Is it as bad as you thought it was going to be?" Jude asked.

"N-no," Connor managed.

Jude's hand moved in a new way, slowly moving down to hold the bottom of Connor's shaft and staying there. Connor's head popped up from the arm of the couch. New was different, new was bad, new was pain, new was – Jude's mouth around him.

A loud moan escaped him and then a spiral of flashbacks went through his mind. Teeth and pulling and pain and believing he would never be whole again.

"Stop!" he shrieked, before he thought about the consequences of doing so. It always hurt more when he –

But Jude wasn't even touching him anymore.

Connor sat up and pulled his pants back up and groped around for his shirt. His shirt. Where was his shirt? He was too exposed. Oh. Jude was handing it to him. Connor yanked it over his head and by the time he looked up, Jude already had the plaid blanket held out for him. Tears welled in his eyes and it felt too hot. Connor grabbed the blanket.

"Thank … Thank … Thank you," he hiccoughed.

"Anything for you … Within reason," Jude added, and when Connor wrenched his eyes open, he could see that Jude was smiling oh so gently. "I'm sorry I pushed."

Connor tucked the blanket around his legs. Breathe, breathe, breathe, he chanted over and over in his mind.

"It … It was … It was g-g-g-good, but, um, too … too much."

"I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Connor shook his head.

"Or … scare you?"

"Not you. It's not you. I just … It's just …"

"Him."

Connor hated that his instinct was still to be defensive over the way that Jude's tone went flat at the mention of his ex. He shouldn't still want to protect the man; he shouldn't still hate when people thought ill of him. He had spent too long trying to unlearn it but it still came back to him. It still haunted him. Connor wondered if true freedom was even really possible.

"What can I do to help you, baby?"

"Um." Connor's mind scrambled. "Just … just don't … don't leave."

"Where am I going to go?" Jude asked, and it felt good to Connor that Jude was still easily joking with him. It never felt like Jude was laughing at him. "This is my place."

"You could kick me out," Connor mumbled, kicking himself for the suggestion. What if Jude decided to take him up on it?

"Oh, I could never do that to you," Jude insisted. Then, sounding embarrassed, he admitted, "I don't really think of this just mine anymore. I hope that doesn't scare you."

It did, but, really, what didn't? Connor wrapped his arms tightly around his stomach and rested his head on the back of the couch. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Either he was getting better at banishing the memories or the memories were actually fading. Connor didn't care which one it was. Breathing was easier and that was what mattered.

"I have a place here," Connor said to Jude.

He felt like he had more of a place here than he ever did in his ex's house. There, Connor had always felt like a guest or a maid. There was always something for him to do or take care of. If he was ever left the idle time on his hands, Connor had always hunted around for things to do for his ex-boyfriend, rather than doing something that he wanted. He always felt like he was walking on eggshells. Here, at Jude's, he had a comfortable spot on the couch; he could relax and watch a movie; if his clothes ended up in Jude's drawer, it wasn't the end of the world. Jude wore Connor's t-shirts sometimes and Connor was sure that it wasn't an accident when he did.

"Yes," Jude said. Even though it was something that Connor knew, he was still so glad to hear it. It wasn't true until Jude confirmed it. "How do you feel?"

"Like I'm going to survive this."

"You are."

"This, but not my dad."

Connor was glad that Jude cracked a smile at his weak joke. "Even that will be fine, baby, you'll see."

"I want you to be right."

"I am."

Jude's confidence was alluring and that thought brutally battled with the memory of his ex. Connor hooked the top of the blanket up over his head so that it framed his face like a hood.

"Can we just sit and watch TV for a while?" Connor asked.

"Of course."

Connor turned slightly on the couch as Jude did the same and they just stared at the television as the second hour of the cooking show faded into a cop drama.

"Oh, change it, please," Connor whimpered, yanking the blanket over his head the moment before the female victim was hit across the face by the killer.

"Oh, sorry, baby."

A click of a button and Connor recognized the whirring noise of a tattoo gun. Slowly, he peeked out of his blanket to see one of the tattoo shows that they often found themselves watching, and Connor relaxed. It was a safe option. Connor rested his head down against the arm of the couch, trusting Jude to stay on his side of the couch. Connor didn't want to be touched right now and he knew that Jude was aware of that. Connor's eyes started to drift shut before they reached the middle of the hour-long episode and he sat up and stretched.

"I, um, I …" He turned back to face Jude. "Is it all right if I go to bed, Jude?"

"Of course. You don't need to ask me that."

But maybe he did. Maybe, tonight, he had to.

"I think I might stay up and watch the rest of this," Jude said. "Is that going to bother you?"

Connor shook his head. He'd make sure it didn't. He got off the couch, quickly brushed his teeth, and then climbed onto Jude's bed. Connor adjusted the curtains so Jude wouldn't have to wrestle with them to come to bed later. Then, Connor built his pillow wall, something that he hadn't had to do in a long time. It was the only solution he could think of. He wanted to be in his spot; he wanted to know that Jude was going to be right there next to him. It was something that Connor counted on now. But he also couldn't handle the thought of snuggling Jude as they normally did. At least, he couldn't quite handle it right now.

He hoped Jude didn't hate him for the pillow wall, when he finally he came to bed.

(-.-)

Connor woke, feeling stiff and sore. He picked his head up slowly but, mercifully, his neck felt fine. His arms, didn't. His ribs, didn't. His back, didn't. And it was all because he had thrown himself across his own pillow barrier in an attempt to get his arms locked around his boyfriend for the night. It had been successful, at least, his arm trapped underneath of Jude's body and fast asleep because of it. Jude shifted, his jaw slack as he sucked in loud air. For a moment, Connor forgot about his arm as he just watched Jude. Connor would never say Jude was at his most handsome when he slept but it couldn't be denied that he certainly was certainly handsome as he snorted slightly.

Connor tried to untangle his arm from underneath of Jude without moving him too much. He wasn't successful. While trying to pull his arm away, trying to roll back to his space, Jude woke up. Connor tried to move around but then Jude threw himself over the pillow wall, half on top of Connor. And Connor wasn't even scared. His breath caught, but that was only because Jude murmured his name sleepily. Connor hooked his arms around Jude's waist and Jude collapsed down against him, his body completely soft.

"You left me out last night," Jude whined.

"I'm sorry."

"Are you okay?" Jude asked.

His lips brushed Connor's collarbone and Connor shivered in spite of himself.

"I just needed some space but I didn't want to be away from you. Does that make sense?"

Jude nodded and his hair tickled the inside of Connor's nose. Connor tightened his arms around Jude, holding him as closely as he could. Jude pressed a kiss to Connor's jaw, his mouth leaving a wet imprint.

"You were dreaming last night," Jude informed him.

"How do you know?"

"You move around more when you're dreaming."

"I do?"

"Yeah, you do. I've slept next to you long enough to know." Jude chuckled. "What did you dream of last night?"

"Flying but the plane was a bird," Connor whispered, but it wasn't even really what he was thinking about. He didn't know he tossed and turned more when he dreamt, and he had slept next to someone else for years versus the few months he'd been able to do so with Jude.

"That's a new one."

Someone who even knew about the dreams he'd had before.

"I guess I've just been thinking about going to see Dad."

"Soon."

"Soon," Connor echoed. "It's going to be weird, you know that?"

"I know. That's why you need me with you, right?"

"One reason."

Jude glanced up at him. "You've got the most amazing eyes."

Connor slid his hand around to press to the small of Jude's back and kissed him, brief and gentle and slow enough that his blood simmer before coming to a boil. His heart raced as he gently turned onto his side, curling Jude into him. He liked how Jude fit, even though Jude was taller and with decidedly more awkward limbs. Connor threaded his fingers through Jude's silk hair and felt his eyes drift shut again.

Slow mornings were perfect mornings.

"I love you," Jude whispered.

Absolutely perfect mornings.

The chapter's title is after the song Lullaby by Chester See. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~