Barefoot And Bruised

by The Last Letter

AU. Jude was twenty and not even thinking about love when he met Connor Stevens, a boy who took his heart almost immediately. But Connor has a past he still has to struggle with daily and resists falling in love, even as he and Jude grow closer. Even as it seems everything will be all right, Connor's past refuses to lie, and Jude finds himself in a battle with Connor's demons.

74. War Of Hearts, Pt 2

Connor held his breath as Adam ate his last bite of potato. Dinner had been even more awkward than lunch had been, because there had been a deadline for lunch. For dinner, there was no such thing. No matter the time, though, Connor had no idea what to say to his father when Adam wasn't leading the conversation and he had no idea what to say to Jude in front of Adam, at all. He felt uneasy, unsure of how much Adam really supported he and Jude. Though he couldn't say that Adam wasn't trying. He spoke to Jude and Connor, asking questions as best as he could, but Connor had inherited his conversational abilities from his father – it seemed the only time Adam could functionally speak to someone was when he was in the office.

"That was a very good dinner, Connor. Thank you," Adam said, sounding stiff.

"Jude helped a lot," Connor said quietly.

"Thank you too, Jude."

"I'm more of a hindrance than a help, mostly," Jude said lightly. "I'm glad you liked it."

Adam nodded. "So, do you have any big plans for tomorrow?"

"Just driving. Um, unless you wanted to do something, Dad."

"Well, I was hoping Rachel could come to dinner tomorrow. It would have to be late, about nine."

"So soon?" Connor asked, feeling his stomach churn with fear. New people were terrifying; new people he was supposed to like were even worse.

"Yes. If you liked her, perhaps we could spend more time together. Our relationship is getting more serious and I do want you to get to know one another. Especially," Adam added, "as I am getting the opportunity to know Jude."

"I'll make something good for dinner, I promise."

"We can go out if you don't want to cook," Adam offered.

"No, Dad, I told you, I'd like to cook for her."

"Connor cooks better than most restaurant chefs," Jude offered and Connor blushed.

"That's not true," he mumbled.

"It is," Jude insisted.

Under the table, Connor felt Jude's foot caress his own. He felt his blush deepen and tried to avoid glancing at Adam. The sides of their feet were just rubbing together. It wasn't anything a parent could take offense to, especially when their child was an adult. Not that Connor ever felt like an adult when he was around his father.

"I, uh, should start on the dishes," Connor said.

"And, as bad as I feel about it, I need to get ahead in work if I'm going to take those days off."

Connor trapped Jude's foot between his own. He couldn't concentrate on speaking properly. How did Jude do this to him? "After I do the dishes, I think Jude and I will watch a movie downstairs. You should come down when you finish work." It shouldn't be so hard to say that to his father.

"I would love to. I hope I finish up quickly."

Adam left awkwardly and Connor could have breathed a sigh of relief. He was too tense around his father, as if he were waiting for a bomb to drop. But there was no bomb. Not from Adam, anyway, and Connor knew that. His father wouldn't be the problem this trip. If there was even a problem. And he had to believe there wouldn't be. It was why he had allowed himself to go back to Jude in the first place. Because the greatest danger to him was a two-hour drive from his father's house and believed he was living in New York. They would all be fine.

"Baby, want to start the dishes?"

"Oh, you don't have to help. You're on vacation."

"We are on a vacation," Jude corrected. "And, I'm kind of excited to get back to that couch."

"Jude!" Connor exclaimed, despite his best efforts to keep his voice hushed. "Dad's home!"

Jude raised his eyebrows and then laughed as Connor anxiously looked over his shoulder. "I just meant that the couch is very comfortable."

Connor gathered the dishes together. "Jude, don't pretend that I don't know you."

"All right." Connor went to stand up from the table but the way Jude was looking at him trapped him in place. Jude lowered his voice murmuring, "I really just want to make out with you."

Connor's cheeks flamed as he thought of his father's proximity. He quickly picked up his dirty dishes and fled to the sink. Jude followed at a slower pace, cleaning the table and then picking up the drying towel, letting Connor direct him to where the dishes went back to.

"You know, when I was little, Mom would wash and I would dry. I was a little clumsy and not good at drying. I dropped a lot of plates. Mom found it funny; Dad was kind of grumpy and said we should start eating off paper."

"That's cute," Jude said. "Though I don't know if I'd call you clumsy."

Connor's brain stalled. He hadn't thought about where the story would lead, but he should have, since it always went to the same place. He glanced at Jude, who was drying two forks at once.

"I guess it would be easier to tell you I grew out of it."

"You can tell me whatever you want."

"You know the truth."

"Yeah."

What else was there to say? Connor finished with the salad bowl and then began to drain the water. He watched the last few suds disappear and then quickly washed the sink. When he looked up, Jude was already finished and was waiting for him near the basement steps. Connor reached for Jude's hand, hanging on as they descended downstairs. They hunted for a comedy that was playing and settled on the first one they found. Connor hesitated when Jude lifted up his arm to cuddle, thinking about what it would be like if Adam walked downstairs and saw them. Connor hated himself for the thought. He wasn't doing anything wrong; it was less subtle than foot touching but equally as scandalous. And, Connor liked touching Jude. It wasn't something that he had just leant to accept but barely tolerated. Connor liked it, after thinking he would never be able to even sit next to someone properly again. He had Jude now and Connor wasn't about to pretend that wasn't a miracle.

He shrugged his shoulder, nudging Jude until Jude looked up at him, and then Connor kissed him. Jude relaxed against him, letting out his happy little hum that lifted Jude's heart.

"I love you."

"You're my favourite person." Connor wished he had more to offer; it didn't seem like enough to give Jude, even though Jude wasn't looking to take more. Jude seemed more than content, smiling as he put his head back on Connor's shoulder and slid his arm around Connor's waist.

Connor rested his head atop Jude's and tried to focus on the movie, but he heard Adam's footsteps on the floor above and his heart clenched. Even if Adam came downstairs, Connor wasn't going to move. But, it was twenty anticipation filled minutes until Adam appeared.

"Still watching the movie?"

"Just over halfway through," Jude said. "It's really funny."

"Then, I think I'll finish it with you."

"Of course, Dad."

Adam carefully lowered himself into the armchair that was furthest away from where Jude and Connor were sitting. Connor tried not to read too much into it, though ignoring something like that wasn't exactly in his nature. He wrapped his fingers around Jude's bicep, squeezing lightly. Jude squeezed Connor's side back in response. Connor glanced at Adam, to see if there was anything on his face to suggest that he was uncomfortable, if he was still trying to get used to the idea that Connor was with Jude, but Adam wasn't looking at them. Connor made himself look back at the TV too, trying to keep his breathing steady and trying not to twitch. But even when Jude and Adam let out small chuckles over what was happening on screen, Connor couldn't figure out how to breathe properly.

The credits started to roll and Connor's gaze immediately flicked back to Adam. It was late and he knew what Adam was going to say.

"I think it's time to head to bed," Adam mused. "Jude, I made the couch upstairs into a bed for you."

Connor froze. He hadn't really thought about where Jude would be sleeping. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he hadn't really considered that he and Jude would be sleeping apart. Jude was always next to him at night. Even when he came home late from work or had to leave early for work, he always had Jude with him at some point during the night. Even if Jude's coming and going didn't wake him, Connor still could tell when Jude was with him. He felt better. Of course, that wasn't going to happen in Adam's house, but Connor didn't think that it was because he was gay. Not this time, at least. He didn't think Adam would let he and a girlfriend stay in his room alone together.

"Oh, thank you," Jude said, and Connor could detect the note of disappointment in his voice, even if he didn't think Adam couldn't.

"No rush for you to go to bed, though," Adam said. "You don't have work in the morning."

"We won't be too much later," Connor said. "And I won't wake you, Dad, I promise."

"Okay. Goodnight, I'll see you in the morning."

"See you in the morning," Jude said.

"I love you, Connor," Adam added.

"You too, Dad."

Jude picked up the remote while Connor listened to his father's footsteps ascend the stairs, patiently counting until he was sure that his father was up the stairs. Then, he curled into Jude, exhaling heavily and pulling Jude's legs into his lap and hiding in Jude's shoulder.

"Day one wasn't so bad," Jude mused. "Was it?"

"No. I just … I just …" He didn't have words. He didn't have anything but exhaustion. Being on edge did that to a person.

Jude kissed him in rapid pecks along his face and cheeks. "You're okay, baby, I promise."

Connor tilted his face up and caught Jude's lips in his. Connor wanted to push him back, for the second time today, and kiss him like crazy on the couch, but Connor knew that he couldn't. He couldn't kiss Jude as he wanted to while his father was in the house, because part of him would be thinking about that, and that wasn't what Connor wanted. He let his lips leave Jude's.

"Um, we should go to sleep, too. You know me, I'll wake us up early."

"Do I really have to sleep on the couch?"

"I wish you didn't. But, um, Dad's house."

"I hope you'll have a good wake up for me in the morning."

"We'll see," Connor said, and he kissed Jude again. "Time for bed."

Jude groaned and flicked the TV off. Connor knew exactly how he felt. Connor didn't really want to go to bed either, but there wasn't anything else to do. He and Jude snuck around to get their pyjamas on and exchange one more kiss before Jude was left on the couch and Connor tucked himself into his small, childhood bed. Connor turned out the light and sighed, placing his head on the flat pillow. He should feel something here. He should get nostalgic, about the little boy who grew up here. He should get angry, about the teenager that didn't get a chance to be one. But he didn't feel anything but uncomfortable.

Connor rolled over, feeling both too big for the bed and too small for it. He wondered if Jude felt the same way down on the couch. Connor huffed; it was awful to be tired but also too uncomfortable. Connor glanced at his phone. Ten minutes, but it had been ten minutes that felt like an hour. Connor bit his lip, trying to sort through his thoughts. He was an adult, in a committed relationship, and he wanted to fall asleep next to his boyfriend.

He just had to get to said boyfriend.

Connor imagined that this was how a teenager felt when attempting to sneak out. Not that he would know what it really felt like. Connor slowly descended down the stairs, cringing at every little noise that his feet made. He kept glancing over his shoulder, as if someone would appear and order him back to bed. But Adam was soundly sleeping and Connor made it into the living room. He wondered if Jude were asleep already – he hadn't considered that. He had been selfish and he shouldn't have come downstairs at all. He went to turn back upstairs.

"Baby?"

"Jude, I, um, I just … I don't want to … Will you come upstairs with me?"

In the semi-darkness, Connor saw Jude sit up. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. Please." Jude grabbed Connor's hand and Connor helped him stand. "But we have to be quiet."

"As a mouse," Jude swore.

Connor held his hand and they padded slowly up the stairs. Effortlessly, Connor navigated into the bedroom, closing the door just to and then he led Jude to bed, sitting first so that he could be against the wall.

"Baby," Jude whispered as he sat. "Did you bring Ampelos?"

"Yeah. I, um, didn't like the thought of him being left home alone."

Jude chuckled as he laid down, fluffing out a pillow and resting his head on Connor's arm. Connor spooned Jude to him, closing his eyes and hiding his head down against Jude's back. It was his favourite way to sleep, and he was so glad that he had made the decision to go and get Jude. Now, he could fall asleep happy.

(-.-)

Screaming. Someone was screaming. Jude's sleepy mind sluggishly grasped that and then he bolted awake when he realized it was Connor.

"Baby, baby, baby," Jude chanted, reaching for the lamp before he realized that they weren't at home and he didn't know where the lamp was. Light. Connor needed light. Was Connor even awake? "Connor, baby."

Connor's hand seized on him, purposefully.

"Connor, it's Jude. Is –"

The overhead light burst on and the door hit the wall as Adam appeared. With a tortured scream of 'No!' Connor dove beneath the sheets.

"Please, please," Jude heard him beg, muffled and sad. "He's here, don't let him get me."

"Connor, what do you need?" Adam demanded, roughly, and Jude felt Connor curl against him.

"Baby, see, peek your head up, it's just me and your dad," Jude murmured. "And the lights are on and there's nothing scary. He's not here. And your dad," Jude said, looking up at Adam, to make sure the man knew he was serious, "is going to go take a walk of the house to prove it. He's going to double check the doors and look in the all the corners and you're going to believe him when he says that the house is empty, because he's your dad, and your dad won't lie to you, right?"

Under the blanket, Connor's head moved. Jude thought it was a nod. Jude looked back up at Adam and gestured him out of the room. Jude mouthed, "Go" and then Adam left the room.

"Talk to me, baby," Jude said, slipping his hand underneath the blanket to rub Connor's back. "It's just you and me. Talk to me."

"I … No. He … I won't …"

"Deep breath. Take your time."

"I dreamt he was here. I won't let him hurt you, Jude, I won't."

"Shh. He's not here and your dad's going to come back and tell us that. There's no one here. We're safe and sound and you were just dreaming, okay? You are safe."

Connor's hand grabbed so tightly onto his that it hurt. It was hard, sometimes, to remember just how strong Connor was when he was so gentle all the time. But Jude just let him hang on. That was what he could do for Connor, since it was one of those things where he would just need a little bit of time. Jude focused on rhythmically rubbing circles on Connor's back, humming the bits of songs that he could remember comforting Connor. By the time Jude heard Adam's footsteps on the stairs, Connor's sobs had faded to whimpers and he was taking longer breaths.

"Uh, nothing in the house has been disturbed," Adam said. "I brought up water. I didn't know what else to do."

"We need a light on," Jude said. "Something small."

Adam put two glasses of water down on Connor's empty bedside table and then went to the closet, turning on the light and keeping the door cocked just to so that there was light in the room. Jude bent back down over Connor, whispering through the blanket, "Did you hear that? The house is safe. You know what it was?"

"A bad dream," Connor said, his voice muffled.

"Right. That's all. Want to come out of the blanket, lay down like before?" Jude was painfully aware that Adam was still hovering in the doorway, but he couldn't let that affect him. Connor would be able to tell.

"No." Connor grasped feebly at the front of Jude's shirt, pulling at him.

Jude looked over at Adam. "Um, we're fine. He's … fine. We'll see you in the morning, okay?"

Adam nodded, and Jude thought he saw pain flicker across Adam's face at the thought, but Jude wasn't sure. "Wake me if you need anything."

Jude thought that he looked relieved to be able to leave and he couldn't helpful the spiteful flair of negative feelings as the door drifted shut behind Adam, but that couldn't matter. Connor was tugging at him again and Jude slipped under the blankets, overly hot from their body heat. He took it, though, like he did every time, and laid nose to nose with Connor.

"Promise there's nothing out there?"

"I promise." Jude kissed Connor's forehead, letting his lips linger. "You trust me, don't you?"

"Yes." Connor's eyes fluttered.

"Are you tired?"

Connor nodded. "I haven't … Um. It wasn't … restful."

Jude kissed his forehead again. "I'm right here and you can sleep, okay? I'll protect you."

"N-no," Connor choked out. "I'm supposed to protect you."

"We protect each other," Jude said. "Right now, it's my turn. You go back to sleep. I've got you."

"You won't go anywhere?"

"Nope, never. You're stuck with me."

"Good. I want to be," Connor whispered, his words already slurring with sleep.

Jude slowly drew the blanket down so that they could breathe. Connor hiccoughed and clung to Jude even more tightly. Jude only let himself nap lightly. Even though Connor was deeply asleep, Jude just wanted to make sure that if Connor stirred than he would be awake and be there for him. When his eyes fluttered open, the next time, the sky was lightening. Jude had the strange feeling that there were eyes on him. He turned his to see Adam, ready for work, watching from the doorway.

"Is he okay?" Adam whispered, and Connor shifted uncomfortably.

Jude took a deep breath and slowly untangled Connor's arms from his. He slid from the bed and gestured Adam out of the room, looking back every step of the way to make sure that Connor was still sleeping, settling into the warm spot that Jude had left behind. Jude shut the door as quietly as possible and then lingered in the hall, trying to figure out how to look his boyfriend's father in the eye.

"How is he?"

"Fine. Hard nights always pass. He'll be better when he wakes up. That's how it works but, of course, you know that. He lived here with you for months."

"I was never able to help him," Adam admitted, though Jude couldn't help but think that Adam was supposed to, because that was what fathers did for sons. "Jude, you don't like me very much, do you?"

The question caught Jude off guard. "I like you fine."

"I can see it on your face."

"I guess, I like you as my boyfriend's father but, also, I guess, I don't understand you as a person."

"Can I help with that?"

Jude looked over his shoulder at the white door and then frantically whispered, "He was a child. He was a fifteen-year-old child. And you didn't go after him. You were his father and you were supposed to save him and you just threw him to the wolf. I guess I just never really thought about it until we were standing here and I hope you don't hate me for being honest with you."

"I don't. I appreciate the honesty and so, I will be honest with you now." Adam looked down at the floor. "From the moment he was born, I loved him, more than any father has ever loved their son. He was my pride and joy. Did he tell you about his mother, about what I told him over Christmas?"

Jude nodded stiffly.

"I would like to tell you that if she hadn't tried to leave me for a woman before Connor came out, then I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. But I probably would have. Did he ever tell you that he actually ran away with that man twice?"

"What? No. Just … once."

"No. Twice. The first time, I did go after him. I hunted him down and dragged him back and it was hell. He was the child from hell. And, in that moment, I didn't love him. I didn't love him at all. I hated him for putting me in this position. I hated him for being gay. I hated him for leaving. I hated him for looking more like his mother than he did me. He hated me back. You'd never believe it, knowing him now, but he was a monster. I couldn't live with him. He couldn't live with me. And when I came home one day and he was gone again, I let him go. I was relieved. And they were living in the same house I was took him back from before. I could have gone to get him any time that I wanted but I didn't want to. Then, I did some soul searching. After years. And years. And years. It was too late by then, but I went anyway. I went and I was the reason that my son was almost murdered. And that's why I can barely look at you with him, Jude, because the last man I left with him attempted to murder him, and I don't know if I can trust you with him."

"I don't know if I can trust you with him," Jude repeated.

Feeling shaky, he left Adam standing in the hall and crept back into Connor's room. His boyfriend hadn't stirred at all and Jude was able to sink back into the spot that he had just vacated. He turned on his side, his back to Connor. In his sleep, Connor reached out and spooned Jude to him again. A smile playing on the edge of his lips, Jude sank into the slightly stiff mattress and just loved it as Connor held him tightly, keeping Jude close. Jude wished that he could go back to sleep but, instead, he was awake, listening as Adam left the house. He hoped that Adam didn't hate him too much – or that Connor didn't, once Jude talked to him about the morning – but Jude couldn't quite bring himself to regret it. He watched the room grow lighter and he hoped that Connor woke soon.

Connor's head tucked down, his face by Jude's shoulder blade. Jude felt his smile start to grow as Connor's arms tightened around him even further and Connor intentionally nuzzled his face against Jude's back.

"Morning," Jude whispered.

"Like you haven't been up for hours," Connor murmured.

"How did you know?"

"You feel tense. You didn't just wake up."

"You're right."

Connor's arms slid under Jude's shirt, against his bare skin.

"Baby, wait. I, um … your dad."

"I thought it was later."

"No. Just …" It was easier to recount the morning when he was looking at the white door instead of at his boyfriend. The more that he spoke, the tighter Connor's hug became. "What do you think? Of what I said?"

"I trust you. Your feelings are your feelings. You can say them."

"And the rest?"

"I ran away twice. Dad was right. There's nothing I can add to that. I thought I loved him."

"Do you still think that?"

"It wasn't a good love, but I think it was some form. There's better out there. And he didn't love me. I just loved him." Connor sighed. "But it's not about him. It's not about him at all anymore. It's just … you. I talk about him less, not because I don't want you to know, but because that's how often he crosses my mind now. My mind is just filled with you. You're the good kind of consuming. I smile when I think of you; I don't get worried about what you're going to do when you see me. You love me and, um, from you, I think that's worth something."

"It is. It is. I love you. I love you so much. It's worth everything."

Jude gasped as Connor's lips pressed against the back of his neck and Connor's arms slipped under his shirt again, spreading out to cover as much as Jude's chest as possible.

"You're my favourite person in the world."

Jude turned in Connor's embrace and pulled him into a messy kiss. His lips dragged across Connor's and Connor just kept touching him under his shirt. It was slow, deliberate, unlike the way that Jude was trying to kiss him and he wished that his boyfriend wasn't so careful. He understood it; the more he learnt about Connor the more he understood it. It didn't mean he always had to like it. And then, somehow, Connor had his shirt off and was kissing his neck. Jude moaned softly as Connor settled the length of his body between Jude's legs.

"Um," Connor said, lifting his head. "You did hear my dad leave for work, right?"

"Right."

"Okay."

Connor's hips rocked into his and Jude shimmied Connor's shirt off, his hands getting just tantalizing close to the long hair that Jude so badly wanted to run his fingers through. But then, Connor's hands were underneath of him, hot and warm but deliberately not touching him in a way to turn him on, but Connor was turning him on anyway. One of Connor's hands drifted across the front of Jude's pyjama pants and Jude couldn't help but jerk his hips upward, hoping for more.

"May I?"

"Whatever you want," Jude panted. "I'm … I'm ready for whatever you want. But I really want to get you off this time, too."

"You first. It has to be you first."

"You can get naked with me."

"You first," Connor repeated, lifting his head from Jude's chest and pinning him in place with those hypnotizing eyes.

"Because it has to be?" Jude stressed. He didn't want that to be some holdover from his ex.

"Yes be-be-because if, um, you don't, I'll just spend all my time, um, thinking about when you do. I w-w-want us both, um, to like it. B-b-but, I know I might get scared. So, I want to do what I can, for you. Before I get scared."

"Are you scared now?"

"No. But it's either there or it's not. And while it's not here, I'd rather focus on you."

Jude didn't know Connor's voice could get that alluring and he wondered if Connor was doing it on purpose or if Jude was just that in love with him. Connor's hands hooked around his pants.

"Jude, you, um, you have to say yes."

"Yes," Jude said. "And I was serious about you being naked with me. Do you say yes to that?"

Connor nodded. "Yeah. Um, I … I'd like you to do it."

Jude grinned. Connor helped him wriggle out of his pyjama pants and then Jude went after Connor's grey sweatpants. Connor's breath hitched and Jude watched his muscles tense. Jude couldn't help but press his mouth to Connor's abs, letting his tongue slide upward until he hit the raised scar tissue along the top of Connor's chest. Connor's hand cradled the back of his head and tilted his head back so that he could kiss Jude, rolling Jude back underneath of him. Jude could feel Connor's hardness against the inside of his thigh and he wanted to reach down and touch Connor, pull Connor to him and let them go further than he ever had before. Connor's fingers splayed against the outside of Jude's thigh, moving slowly toward the inside of Jude's thigh. Connor's other hand reached up, wrapping around Jude's, just as Jude knew it would. Connor pushed Jude's hand back against the pillow as he held himself up, his other hand finally gripping onto Jude.

"Connor," Jude breathed.

"What?"

"Nothing. I just love your name."

Connor laughed at him, but Jude noticed that he was breathless too. Connor's lips drifted across Jude's, his hand moving rhythmically. Jude rocked his hips up.

"You're … I might …"

"We could … try showering together. After …"

"Y-yeah. That. I want to do that." Jude squeezed Connor's hand. "Faster, baby, please. More. Kiss me."

Jude could see that Connor was on the verge of calling him bossy, but then Connor kissed him. Jude felt Connor's tongue touch his bottom lip and Jude's free hand flew to the small of Connor's back, pulling Connor's body into him. Jude felt his muscles tighten and he stopped being able to think about anything other than the fact that Connor was kissing him. Then, his body let go. He felt himself come over Connor's hand, closing his eyes and gasping. Connor peppered a few brief kisses along Jude's neck.

"Remind me to put the sheets in the wash before we leave the house."'

Jude laughed. "Your turn now?"

"Um. Okay. I want to try. Just … hand."

"Just hands," Jude promised. "Nothing scary and definitely no surprises."

Connor rolled onto his back and Jude pushed himself up on his side, his elbow underneath him. His hand latched onto Connor's. Jude let his other hand caress along Connor's body, letting his boyfriend get used to the feel of his hand. He watched Connor's face carefully, noting the places on his arms where a slight frown developed between his eyes and then the places on his legs were his eyelashes fluttered. Jude kissed the top of Connor's shoulders as he touched the skin on the inside of his thighs. Jude gently touched his thumb to Connor's sensitive skin before palming his shaft. Connor's eyes closed tightly and he took in a long, ragged breath. Jude just watched him, feeling overly satisfied when Connor panted and clenched onto his hand.

"Okay?" Jude asked.

"Better than," Connor said. "Kiss me?"

Jude flung his leg over Connor's and leant over him, kissing him. He felt every move of Connor's body as they wrapped around one another.

"Softer," Connor whimpered. "Soft."

Jude loosened his grip slightly, moving slowly, trying to get his fingers in the best way for Connor to enjoy it. And then, he found it. Connor's eyes closed and he fell against the mattress. Jude kissed along the top of Connor's chest and tried not to do anything scary. He tried to keep himself the same, knowing that this was what Connor needed and Jude could give him what he needed.

"Jude," he breathed.

"Come on, baby, we need another reason to wash the sheets."

Connor laughed and Jude felt Connor twitch in his hand. Jude was ready for when Connor came, mostly over his own stomach, but also on Jude's hand. As Connor softened, Jude let go, resting his head down against Connor's chest and listening to his heart thump wildly.

"Thoughts?" Jude asked.

"I-I … It didn't hurt." Connor turned his head and Jude looked into his face. The relief on Connor's face could have left him entirely breathless, but there were tears building in the corners of his eyes. "I thought … I thought it was always going … It didn't hurt. And y-y-you listened to me."

"Don't cry, baby. This is how it's supposed to be, you know?"

"I didn't know," Connor confessed. "I really didn't know."

Somehow, they became wrapped around one another and Connor hid his head against Jude's chest to cry. Jude wished that he could think about how Connor felt, naked and this close to him, but he couldn't do that, and that was hard. Instead of savouring the moment, instead of immediately tripping over one another to get to the shower, Jude had to just let him cry. Jude kissed Connor's temple, hoping that the crying would one day stop. He hated that it was still Connor's life and that Connor's ex was still in their life.

"Baby, it's okay. It's okay to not know. I don't know anything either, but, that's what we're together for. To find out together."

"I like together with you," Connor whispered,

"Want to try being in the shower with me?" Jude asked.

"Um, okay," Connor agreed. "The, uh, shower here is … bigger. Um, better water."

"So, we won't have to take turns being cold this time?"

Connor peeked up at him, smiling even as the tears began to dry. "No, I don't think so."

"Well, then, I'm excited. Come on. Let's shower."

Jude sat up quickly but Connor followed him more slowly.

"Is it weird that I kind of feel embarrassed about walking to the bathroom naked?"

"It's, like, right across the hall. Don't you dare put pants back on."

Connor cocked his head to the side, glancing quickly up at Jude's face and then back down. "But, um, if I w-w-wanted to …"

"You could. But it's three steps and I'm really hoping you don't because I love you in pants and I really love you out of pants."

"You'd say it anyway."

"That I loved you? Of course."

Connor smiled at him and then nudged him off the bed. Jude could have skipped to the bathroom, knowing that Connor was right behind him. He quickly turned the water on.

"How warm?" Jude asked.

"Warm," Connor answered.

Jude turned the water on. "Oh! There's two showerheads!"

"Dad did some renovations after I … left. So, coming back, it was like walking into a whole new house. Mostly."

"That's good or bad?"

"Both. It was easier, in some ways, harder, in other ways. Are you … getting in or are we just going to stand here until Dad comes home?"

Jude stepped into the warm water and Connor was right behind him. No hesitating or anything, Connor was right there with him, the water lengthening his hair to hide his eyes. Connor shoved it back as best as he was able, clearing his face and then he bit down on his lip.

"Jude, do you think other things might not be as scary?"

"Other things like what?" Jude asked. "Also, where's the shampoo?"

Connor pointed behind him, to a shower rack hanging off the second showerhead. Jude turned and reached for it, feeling Connor's hands touch his waist.

"Not, like, right now, but, other things."

Oh. Jude took a careful step backward, into Connor's embrace. Jude felt Connor, hard again, close to the inside of his thigh. Jude took a deep breath, clenching his hands around the shampoo bottle, trying to keep himself under control when all he wanted to do was push Connor against the shower wall and make out with him until it was he pressed up against the shower wall, Connor holding him up so that Jude could get his legs around Connor's waist and Connor could get his –

"Jude? I need you to answer me."

"I think we could have a lot of fun, figuring out what we like and what we don't. Today wasn't scary. We … Uh." Jude swallowed as he felt a nude to his leg and Connor's hands moved around to his front. "We saw today, we listen to each other, and it works. You … You did like it, right?"

"Yeah. I did. You surprised me, again. At some point, I should stop being surprised about that."

"Yeah, you should, because I'm pretty great so …"

"You're more than that. Are you actually going to shower in this shower?"

"Oh, I should. I probably should."

But it was so hard to pour shampoo in his hair and then turn around to give Connor the bottle when all he was thinking about was how he was naked and how Connor was naked and how wonderful sex could be. Sex with Connor would be wonderful.

"So," Connor said, "when we get out, do you want to make breakfast or go out somewhere?"

"We could take breakfast back to bed," Jude suggested, trying his best to sound like a flirtatious boyfriend. "Make sure earlier wasn't a fluke."

"It's not … real sex," Connor said. "Why do you like it so much?"

"Because it's you and I like everything you do." Jude leant his head back into the spray, trying to get rid of the suds. "Everything you do turns me on."

"Even the crying?" Connor joked.

Jude broke out into a smile and then lifted his head out of the water, stepping over to Connor's side of the shower instead. He put his hands on his boyfriend's hips and pulled Connor so close to him that the water struggled to fit between their bodies. Connor stared up at him, watching with eyes so hypnotizing that Jude felt his knees start to go weak

"You are sexy, so everything you do is sexy."

Connor looked unsure for a moment and then he laughed. "You're too much, sometimes. You know that, right?"

"But it makes you smile." Jude tilted his head down, his lips close enough to Connor's that Jude could feel his breath, but he didn't close the kiss. It was almost eleven in the morning, but already a lot had happened today for Connor. And, honestly, he didn't want to push. He wanted Connor to take a step. If Connor did that, then Jude could be sure that Connor really liked what they were doing and that he didn't feel like he had to be doing it."

"You make smile. Us, this. When I was at my worst you … You were the person I dreamt of. You're a dream come true, Jude."

Then, Connor kissed him, stretching onto his toes and wrapping both arms around Jude's neck. Jude let his hand follow the flow of water down Connor's back. With no waistband to stop him, Jude had his hand on Connor's butt before he even realized he was doing it. Connor tensed, but didn't push him away. Not completely.

"I should wash you. Like last time. Is that okay? I r-really liked it, last time."

"Yes, but kiss me again first."

Connor kissed him, his body flush against Jude. Jude took his chance and let his other hand rest against Connor's butt, not giving into his urge to squeeze or let his fingers explore. That, he knew, would be too much and Jude could all too clearly picture the panic and devastation on Connor's face. Jude didn't want that. He wanted the happy, naked Connor who asked him if he'd prefer bar soap or body wash.

In Jude's opinion, wash cloths shouldn't be that alluring. Also, in Jude's opinion, Connor shouldn't look so serious as he started to scrub Jude's chest.

"Something on your mind?"

"I don't find it hard to talk about sex. Mostly, except for when it really comes to me. Like, um, things I want to do. Not just hypothetical."

"Like our hypothetical sex?"

"No." Connor turned Jude around, washing along his shoulder blades. "That's still very hypothetical but, um, do you remember when we first kissed, when I said I didn't want to get in my own way?"

"Yeah."

"I think I've been doing that, a little." Jude started as Connor turned the spray of water, cleaning off the soap. "And, this morning made me think about things I haven't done. I want there to be new things to do with you. The worst thing is, though, is that I'm too embarrassed to say it. Do you think that means I'm not ready for it?"

"I think that's just you, baby."

"But I have to be able to say it. If I want to do it because it's not like I can just grab you and surprise you."

Jude was thinking that he wouldn't really mind that but he knew Connor wouldn't understand. Even if Jude sat and tried to explain just how much he trusted Connor and how he knew that Connor would never do anything on purpose.

"Surprises aren't all bad. Why don't you give me a hint of what you're thinking?"

"Um …" Jude looked over his shoulder to see Connor fall to his knees and he started to run the washcloth over Jude's ankles.

"Um … Does it involve hands?"

"No."

"Tongue?"

"Y-y-yeah."

"Is the word you're too embarrassed to say 'blowjob'?"

"No."

"Then what?"

Jude's heart sped up as he felt Connor's lips brush the skin of his butt.

"I trust you to keep going with that."

Jude closed his eyes and leant against the shower wall. The water beat rhythmically against his back and it would have been soothing, if Connor's fingers weren't between his legs, his thumb just teasing him, while Jude felt his tongue gently swirl his way across the top of Jude's tailbone, like the most exquisite tease. One of Connor's hands moved to Jude's front, slowly pumping him there.

"Connor," Jude gasped, because that was not teasing.

"Sorry. Did you not like it?"

"Oh, no, no. I really like that."

Jude pressed his forehead against the warming shower tile as Connor kept moving his hand up and down Jude's length while his mouth hesitantly returned to Jude's body. Jude could scarcely believe that Connor hadn't done this before. It took just moments for Jude to be gasping for breath, trembling against the shower wall. Or maybe that was because Jude had never expected anything like this before. The hand Connor had between his legs, keeping them spread slightly, moved and Jude felt Connor's thumb press against him. Jude wished he would push harder; Jude wanted Connor's fingers inside of him – any part of Connor inside of him. Connor's hand disappeared, though, and the brief disappointment that Jude felt was replaced by a moan as Connor's tongue pushed inside of him.

"God. Oh, God." He didn't want to come immediately, like some hormonal fifteen-year-old but that was almost what he did. And would have, if Connor hadn't lifted his head.

"Do you like that?"

"Yes." He wanted to reach back and hold Connor's face to him until Jude's body was nothing but jelly. His fingers itched; he wanted to grab onto Connor's hair that badly.

Luckily, he didn't have to beg. Connor quickly went back to what he was doing, touching Jude in such a way that Jude felt like Connor really liked what they were doing. And that made everything feel so much better. He felt painfully hard in Connor's hand. Then, for the second time that morning, Jude let go, spraying the shower wall. Connor shifted away from him.

"No, don't," Jude blurted. "Don't stop."

Connor laughed a little. "We're going to run out of hot water." Then, a little more quietly, he admitted, "My knees are getting sore."

Jude forced himself to turn around, leaning heavily against the clean part of the wall. He offered his hands to Connor, pulling him up, even though Jude's arms shook. Jude rested his head against Connor's shoulder, feeling up Connor's chest, then letting his fingers touch the soft patch of hair between his legs.

"You know, the water doesn't feel like it's getting cold to me."

"Well, we probably still have some time left to finish our actual shower."

"Eh. Or, we could do something a little more fun."

"And shower in cold water?"

Jude could feel Connor twitch against the side of his hand and so he turned his palm in, cupping Connor's length.

"I am thinking about something that involves –"

"Fingers?" Connor guessed and Jude shook his head. "M-mouth?"

"Yeah," Jude whispered.

"Not what I did to you."

"No, I know you better than that."

Connor relaxed visibly, his shoulders falling forward. Jude pumped his hand once down Connor's length, and then Connor's hips pushed forward into his hand again. Jude grinned.

"So," Connor said slowly, "the word you're looking for is …"

"Blowjob."

"It didn't work out last time. I was too scared."

"This time is different. I didn't really warn you. I just did it because I wanted to. This time, I'm asking." Jude moved his hand slowly. "I'm not going to hurt you. I know how to touch you. And, baby, I want to. I want you."

Connor glanced up at him. "You're thinking about sex."

"You're hot and naked and I'm really in love with you."

"So, yes."

"Yes. But, I'm not asking." Jude ducked his head to kiss Connor and ended up with a mouth half full of water. He shook his head, guided Connor backward a step, and then kissed him, properly. Connor melted against him.

"What's one more new thing?" Connor asked, his voice so quiet it was almost lost in the water noise. "Okay, I trust you."

Jude kissed Connor again and then pushed him flat against the wall. Connor gasped and Jude gave into his desire and trail his tongue down Connor's abs. It made Connor laugh at first and that was what Jude focused on, not the way that Connor's heated skin tasted slightly of soup. He sucked slightly at Connor's sharp hip bone.

"Are you trying to give me a hickey?"

"No. Unless you want me to."

"No bruises," Connor whimpered.

"No bruises."

Jude opened his mouth, sliding it around Connor's tip. He felt Connor tap impatiently at his shoulder and Jude automatically lifted his hand, fitting it in Connor's. Connor held onto him, like he always did, and Jude took his time, making sure that Connor enjoyed every moment.

(-.-)

"Spicy eggs or cheesy eggs?"

"Cheesy, spicy eggs?"

"You're demanding," Connor complained lightly, glancing over at Jude to make sure that he was smiling about it.

"Aww, but you like me."

"Yeah. I do." Connor glanced up at Jude, looking perfectly at home as he sat on the kitchen counter. "Okay, spicy, cheesy eggs."

"Cheesy spicy eggs," Jude corrected idly.

Connor nodded, searching his father's fridge for the things that he needed. He couldn't help but glance over his shoulder, looking at Jude. He felt his face go hot and then he ducked his head back into the fridge. Should he feel embarrassed about this morning? Connor wasn't even sure that embarrassed was the right word at all. It was a strange burst of butterflies and adrenaline that made him want to hold Jude and do it all again.

"Why are you blushing?"

Of course, Jude would notice.

"Um, thinking about this morning."

Connor spread his ingredients across the kitchen counter and picked out his frying pan.

"You know, I was pretty surprised by you."

"I surprised me to. But …" Connor abandoned their breakfast, just for a moment, so that he could stand in front of Jude. "But, I liked it. I did. And, you know, I want to keep moving forward and it's baby steps. Maybe to sex, maybe not, but, somewhere."

"So, if we're baby stepping to sex, can we baby step to love?"

Connor took a step backward, fleeing back to the stove so that he could have something to do with his hands, something to do other than focus on the conversation that had come out of nowhere.

"What does love have to do with it?" he asked.

"It has to do with a lot. You know that."

His ingredients together, Connor started the eggs in the pan. He focused on them a little too much, watched them just a little too closely. "I thought you understood my feelings about that."

"I try to but it's also hard to be in love with a man that will never love you back, no matter how he feels about you. I want you to understand that."

"I do! You don't know how much I do! But I never thought you'd feel the way that I did in that relationship!"

"Connor … I don't. We can't compare. We both know that."

"There are no baby steps to love, Jude, either you're in it or you're not and I'm so sorry, but I don't feel that way about … anything. I don't even say 'I love you' to my dad or that I love food or scents or TV shows or … anything. It's just a word I can't say! I can't do it! No matter how I feel about you, and I do have feelings for you. More than I should. Feelings that run so deep I don't understand them and I can't figure out what to do with them but they're there, and I need you to trust that and understand it because if you can't, then maybe we shouldn't be here."

Connor braced himself against the counter and stared down at the speckled grey, trying not to let the tears fall. He heard Jude's feet hit the floor and he welcomed it when Jude wrapped his arms around him, burrowing his head against Jude's shoulder. But Jude's warmth got to him and the tears poured from him.

"Shhh, baby, I'm sorry. I knew better. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Jude, I'm sorry. You should, um, be able to talk to m-me about things without me getting upset."

"The point is we're talking about them. You're not running away from me screaming, or disappearing into the night with the just a cryptic text. This counts as talking."

"We didn't talk this morning."

"We don't have to talk all the time," Jude said, and just his tone could bring a smile to Connor's face. "But I love it when we do."

"I wish I could be like that," Connor said. "Just say it like that, so freely. To just love little things, but even just saying it like that makes me feel like breaking down."

"Just try it. Name three things that you love. Anything. Colours, foods, songs … Anything."

Connor couldn't do that when he was being held so closely by Jude. He forced himself to take a step back, taking a deep breath. He focused on his eggs and, thinking.

"I love … my mom."

"Good, good."

"I love cooking."

"I love that you cook," Jude countered.

Connor's stomach fluttered as he thought of other things. His mother's favourite song was a good one. Ampelos seemed to weak of a thing to love. He glanced at Jude, but that was a mistake, because he lost his train of thought on everything else. He returned his attention to the eggs. Almost done.

"I l-l-l-love …" This one was the most nerve-wracking, "… your smile."

Jude laughed, so beautifully that Connor wondered if he should have said that instead.

"You're a gift," Jude said, and he kissed Connor's cheek.

"Will you get plates? The eggs are done."

"Sure. What cupboard?"

Connor directed him and then filled the two plates with their breakfast. They sat at the table, talking mostly about what they were going to do for the day, even though Connor felt like most of the day had been wasted already. As soon as breakfast was over, they were out and into Adam's car.

"Going back to Gerald is going to feel like driving a dinky car after this," Jude muttered, running his hand over the steering wheel.

"Gerald's a better character than Dad's car."

"That wasn't the question. He's just a lot older and he has all the problems of an old car."

"You'll like him when we get home."

"Yeah, yeah," Jude said. "I'll just have to get used to him again."

"We'll go on a long drive, get churros, and go to the beach," Connor said. "But, for now, we have to go to a florist shop, quickly. If I spend any longer here and don't go, Mom might think I've forgotten her."

"Do you talk to her?" Jude asked. "You know, when you're at her grave?"

"Take a left up here," Connor said, trying to distract from the unexpected question. He let Jude drive a little more and then he added, "Yeah. I do. Now. When she first died, when I was younger, I didn't. But, I spent years not being able to go and see her. Now, I like to believe that she's always kind of with me, in some way. Then, I hated to think that she saw any part of that or knew any bit of what I had become. So, the first time that I got to go to her grave, I just sat there, for hours, and told her about all of the things that I could stomach telling her. It was dark, before I got home, and that was the last bit of independence I had from Dad before I moved to university."

"Wow."

"Do you talk to Callie?"

"No. I, um, haven't even been to her grave since the funeral. Moms take her flowers a lot. I know that. I just haven't …"

"Right, here." Connor tapped his fingers against the door. "I think an opinion on this is separate, spiritual. I don't mean that in a really religious way but I think she's here, in a spirit kind of way."

"Green building up there?"

"Yeah."

Jude pulled up to the curb and Connor leapt out, leaving Jude in the driver's seat. It would only be a moment; he always got his mother the same bouquet. He picked it up, digging the exact change out of his pocket, and then he was back in the car, giving Jude directions to the cemetery. He clutched the flowers, playing with a daisy petal until Jude parked, and then Connor had to lead him on a morbid walk through the tombstones. Jude kept up with him, and then, finally, they were standing in front of his mother's grave. Connor bent and placed the flowers deliberately, covering up the 'beloved wife' and leaving just 'mother' part visible. He sank into the grass, holding onto Jude's hand.

"Hi, Mom."

Beside him, Jude rested on his knees.

"This is Jude. I think you already know about him, but I want you to know him."

"Hi," Jude said, sounding as awkward as Connor had ever heard him, but Jude had said it. Jude was trying. And Connor could have cried about that.

"He can't cook but everything else about him is amazing," Connor said. He let his eyes drift shut and he pictured his mother's face. Her smile was so much easier to deal with than the sight of her grave, even after all this time. "He kind of loves me, Mom."

"Really, loves him," Jude corrected.

"He's what you probably always wanted me to find, even if the 'he' might not have been part of the equation. Dad still has those baby photos of me in the 'Hide Your Chicks' shirt, hanging around the house. You could probably tell me why, but I don't know. Do you think I try to blame him for things?"

The world was quiet and Connor just listened to the slight breeze rustle the world around him.

"She and I both think you are doing just fine," Jude said. "And, not to exaggerate things, but I think she likes me."

Connor opened his eyes and found Jude's gaze. "I knew she would."

He rested his head against Jude's shoulder and exhaled happily.

"He loves me," Connor whispered, and he heard the sadness in his own voice. "Sometimes, I wish it were easy to say it back. If you were here, if I had you, my whole world would be different, Mom. Part of me worries, though, if I had you, would I have had to lose him? If you lived, would I not have him? That's selfish, isn't it? But, I think about that all the time. I wish I could have both of you, but I don't think I can. I'm not saying that he makes everything I went through worth it but I … He … is so close to that it's scary. He's scary."

Connor wished that he could say that to Jude's face and be totally open about it, but it was easier not to. It was easier to just talk to his mother and confess to her. It shouldn't be. He should be able to look into Jude's beautiful brown eyes and empty his heart, but every time he tried or did, even just a little, he felt too vulnerable, too open.

"Connor …"

"But not in a bad way," Connor blurted. "In the best way. I think you understand that. I like to think that's what you felt when you were falling in love with Amelia. I understand why you didn't tell me then but I wish that you were around to tell me now, instead of having to hear about it from Dad, because I'll never really know for sure. You took so much with you."

Jude didn't say anything, just snaked his arm around Connor. Connor leant back into his hold and just let Jude keep him close.

"She loved you, so much," Jude said. "I know that about her."

"Me too," Connor admitted.

Jude kissed him on the temple and then asked, "Is it bad taste to kiss you in a cemetery?"

"It's just my mom, Jude. I don't think she'll mind."

"But your dad would."

"Mom and Dad were that different, I promise," Connor said. He reached out and fixed one of the flowers. "At the end, I like to just sit with her. A few minutes of silence, until it feels right to get up and go."

"However long it takes," Jude promised.

Connor knew that he meant that. He knew that, to the core of everything he was, and Connor trusted him. He trusted Jude's warmth and the way that his hand rubbed up and down Connor's injured side. Connor snuggled into Jude's side; he wanted his mother to feel how happy he was, sitting here sharing this part of him with Jude. He hoped that Jude could feel it too, because he wanted Jude to know.

"Where would you want to go next?" Connor asked.

"I don't know," Jude said. "Grocery shopping, for dinner tonight?"

"We have an hour, maybe two until then. Jude …" Connor grabbed tightly onto his hand and held onto his boyfriend for all that it was worth.

"What, baby?"

"I don't really want to go anywhere else. Could we just sit here for as long as possible, maybe?"

"Yes. We will sit here as long as possible," Jude promised. "Does your mom have an opinion on what we should make? If my opinion counts, I put my money on the shrimp thing. That would charm anyone. I fell in love with you for it."

"I feel like you have at least three different versions of that story."

"All of them are true," Jude said. "I think I fall in love with you a dozen times a day."

"See, Mom," Connor argued, "he's almost a little too perfect, isn't he? Sometimes, I think I'll wake up and he'll be gone, like a really good dream."

"Hey, I'm real."

"But too good to be true."

Jude kissed the top of Connor's head and Connor relaxed into him. He let the silence take over and they just sat there, the wind blowing around them. Jude didn't dare to break the silence and Connor was so glad for that. He was so glad for someone who understood him and who tried to understand the parts that weren't so easy. Connor grabbed Jude's hand and wrapped it around his waist. Connor put his head down on Jude's shoulder and sat there. He had a sense of when their hour was up but he couldn't bring himself to move. After he felt like they were almost at an hour and a half, and coming too close to their deadline, he sighed.

"I think you were right, about the shrimp."

"Should we go?"

"I don't know when I'm going to see her again."

"Whenever you want. You know, it might not be a bad drive. We can save up and drive down, spend New Years or something with your dad."

"Maybe. But I like the thought of taking a drive. I hope we really do that, someday."

"I want to do a lot with you, someday," Jude whispered.

Connor squeezed Jude's hand. "I want that too, I think, but … For right now, I need you to go wait in the car. I want to say goodbye to my mom alone."

"Okay. I understand." Jude stood up. "It was nice meeting you. I'll take care of him, I promise."

The tears were hot against Connor's face as Jude walked away. He slid his hands into the long blades of grass.

"Mom, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I've said it to his face but I'd like to be able to give him more, I just don't know what that more is or how to give it. I wish you were still here. You'd know what to say to me, about everything. I …" Connor sighed. "Is it mean to make your shrimp recipe for Rachel? It's my favourite recipe too, so it's what I'd want to make anyway, I think. So, um, I'll see you soon, okay? At least once a year, I promise, because I want to see Dad at least that much too. I think we're really going to get along better, now. Maybe, someday, we can have the relationship I want. Bye, Mom."

Connor pushed himself to his feet. The walk back to the car always felt longer and he always felt heavier doing it. It was so hard to feel like he was both gaining something and then leaving something behind. Jude was waiting in the car, drumming his fingers along the top of the steering wheel, but when Connor sat in the car, there was no music.

"Maybe when we get home, we can go see Callie."

"Sure," Connor agreed. "I'll go anywhere with you."

"How about you direct me to a grocery store? That way you don't have to be so stressed out about dinner."

"I don't even though what she looks like!" Connor tried not to sound pouty as he directed Jude to go back to the florist shop. "Dad knew what you looked like."

"Well, you wanted that," Jude said. "People are different. You can't expect people to give back the same things you give them."

"Straight, here."

"I'm straight nowhere."

Connor cracked a smile. "Jude, you weren't talking about Dad and Rachel just then, were you?"

"No."

"Are we … fighting about this?" Connor asked. "About me not being able to be there?"

"No, because there'd be no point in fighting. You can't do it and you can't bend on that. I just feel more disappointed since you're bending on some physical stuff and that was once a hard 'never'."

"But I'm not having sex. There are parts of that I can never do and it wouldn't matter who I was with because he ruined me! He took from me and I thought you understood that. I just don't have it, Jude, and I can't give you what I don't have. If I did, I'd give it to you, but I don't, so I can't."

"You can't say I'd love you if I could like that, Connor!"

"Why not? It's the truth. I would like to be the boyfriend you want – left, then you should see it. I know what you want from me and I'm trying to figure out how to be normal and give you as much as I can without giving up me again, because I feel like I finally have a me again, but that's because of you. Because of who I am with you."

Jude stopped in a spot at the back of the lot. He didn't even pause to turn the car off and before Connor could even ask what he was doing, Jude's arms were tight around him. Connor hugged Jude back, trying to absorb the confidence he felt coming from the strong embrace.

"You have a lot of problems," Jude said.

"I know."

"And, sometimes, you come close to driving me crazy."

"I'm sorry."

"I love you for it, not in spite of it. You are the boyfriend I want."

"Jude …" Connor felt Jude's lips kiss the side of his neck.

"I just need you to listen to me, baby. No excuses or explanations, just listen to me rant a little, because I want to feel understood."

"And I want to understand you."

"Then that'll work out for both of us."

Jude kissed him, but not really properly. He was smiling too much and that made Connor smile too.

"So, we're not fighting?"

"No." Jude rubbed the tip of his nose against Connor's. "We haven't even been together a year yet."

"Um, like seven months according to your count but three by mine."

"I've been yours since September. That's where we should really start counting."

"It's not a real anniversary," Connor argued.

"Hmm. But, that's not the point."

"Then what is?" Connor asked.

"We've still got stuff to learn about each other. No matter how long we're together, there's always going to be a little more to know. We can't worry about it, right?"

"We just have to talk about it."

"Like we always talk."

"There was significantly less talking this morning," Connor pointed out. "and it wasn't bad."

"I'd call it pretty good."

Jude smiled and Connor leant into him, closing his eyes the moment before Jude kissed him. He was halfway into Jude's seat and with the way Jude was holding him, he almost wished he could finish the journey. But, his thoughts were too overwhelming and he gently pushed on Jude's chest. He always felt at least a little guilty about kissing Jude if he was thinking about something else, like their upcoming dinner.

Jude's lips left his. "Time to go shopping?"

Connor nodded. "I'll feel better once we're home and cooking."

"It's okay," Jude said as they got out of the car. "You can kiss me later."

Connor pulled his hat down over his head. "Jude, are you going to sleep with me tonight?"

"Want me to?"

"Yeah."

"Will your dad mind?"

Connor shrugged, watching Jude pick up the basket. "I think he'll be glad more than anything, after seeing last night. It would have been worse if you hadn't been there."

"I got that sense."

Connor half-stumbled down an aisle. He wasn't sure of the layout of this store. Pasta, he'd need that. Bakery rolls. Should he make a salad? Probably. What kind? Caesar; it seemed to go with seafood, right?

"Is the basket too heavy?" Connor asked when they were halfway through the store.

"I've got it, baby. Don't worry."

Connor gently put the lettuce on top of the shrimp, scouring the rest of the store. Jude convinced him to pick up a simple pound cake to might hot chocolate sauce with. It would be an easy dessert. She might not. Connor didn't know what he'd do if they didn't get along.

"Okay, we ready?"

Connor had to nod. He felt as though there should be something else, but there wasn't. The something else was at his father's and they had to go, through the short line and back out to the parking lot. Connor could just see the car when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He shifted his bag around to answer it.

"Hi, Dad."

"Hey, Connor. Have you gone grocery shopping yet?"

"Jude and I just left the store. Why? Is something wrong?"

"No, no. I just forgot to tell you! Rachel's allergic to seafood."

Connor felt his heart drop and he reached out to grab Jude's arm. Tonight was going to be terrible. He'd already made one unforgivable mistake.

"Oh. She is?"

"Yes. Is that going to be a problem?" Adam asked.

"N-no. It's fine. Really."

"Sorry for being so absent-minded. I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Okay."

"I love you, Connor."

"You too, Dad." Connor hung up the phone and looked at Jude's concerned face. He told Jude about Rachel's allergy and then anxiously asked, "Do you think it'll taste just as good with chicken?"

"It should," Jude said, and Connor appreciate his effort to sound confident. "Here, give me your bag. You go grab the chicken and I'll pull the car up to the front and meet you there."

"Thanks, Jude."

Connor handed off his bag to Jude and then let his boyfriend kiss his cheek before he hurried back inside the store, trying not to look like he was hurrying. Hurrying people often drew attention to themselves and the last thing Connor ever wanted was attention. He picked up his chicken, became thankful for self-checkout stands, and emerged into the setting sun. He lingered by the door, surveying the pick up and drop off lane – Jude had said he'd be parked here, hadn't he? Or had Connor misheard? He wasn't very good at listening but, at least, this time he'd gotten it right. Jude was just parked further down than he expected. Connor lengthened his steps to get to the car, feeling anxious about the chicken in his arms. What if dinner didn't taste the same? What if everything went wrong? But everything, including the chicken, was forgotten before he had even closed the car door, before he was even fully in his seat.

Because that was not Jude in the driver's seat.

Connor felt crushed and relieved; devastated and ecstatic. He had never quite been able to figure out what he would do if he ever saw his ex-boyfriend again. Scream, maybe, run away or become paralyzed. But the answer was that he'd be so overwhelmed that he'd end up feeling like a terrified child again and he'd throw his arms around his ex-boyfriend's neck.

"Now, now." The deep voice child Connor's bones. Large hands wrapped around Connor's wrist to entangle him. "You're too excitable, Connor. You knew how to behave better than that; my absence hasn't done you any good."

"No," Connor agreed. He was supposed to agree.

"Sit back and close your door."

Connor reached out and grabbed his door handle, hesitating even though every instinct he had was screaming at him to obey. He knew better. He knew what would happen if he didn't listen (you have to listen, Connor) but he just couldn't shut the door because … Where was Jude? His heart clenched because he could think of one reason that Jude wasn't in the driver's seat and that was because he was dead in the back of the parking lot. There was no comfort in the fact that Connor had warned him and that Jude had known about this possibility. There was a half-comfort in the fact that he was probably going to be taken to his execution. Not that he really wanted to die; he just didn't think that he could live with Jude's blood on his hands.

"What are you waiting for?"

The impatience in his ex's voice made Connor's skin crawl but he still waited, just for another moment. He wanted a sign: he wanted to know if Jude was fine; he wanted to know if he should run, because he knew that he was looking at his last chance. A large hand encircled the back of Connor's neck and his blood turned to ice. He knew Jude wasn't safe; he knew that whatever happened next, he deserved, because he was the one that let Jude die. His hands shaking, Connor shut the car door but, even though he'd done what he was supposed to, the hand around his neck tightened. Connor readied himself for pain: the punch or the push headfirst into the door. It had been so long since he'd been hurt, he almost didn't remember what it felt like, even though it was hard to forget the anticipation of the blow.

Instead, the hand around his neck started stroking his hair. Connor jerked his head away. He didn't like his head being touched and so, no one touched his head. Connor realized his mistake a horrifying second too late when the hand wrapped in his long hair and the side of his head was slammed into the dashboard.

"You've been ruined!"

A tear rolled down Connor's cheek and he refused to pick his head up. Ruined. He had just said that word to Jude, not even that long ago; he had admitted to being ruined. Connor knew better; he knew it was his time with his ex that had ruined him, not their time apart. But Connor's opinion wasn't the one that mattered and the opinion that mattered was the opposite of his own. He flinched as the hand stroked the back of his head.

"But we'll fix it. We'll fix you. It's what I'm here for. You'll be okay, now that I'm here. You'll be okay now, won't you, Connor?"

"Yes," Connor agreed. "I'll be okay."

Connor slowly sat up, trying to be subtle with clearing away his tears. Tears would just serve to make him more upset. He turned in the seat, staring up at the face that he had thought he had missed for all this time, only to find that he would much rather it go away again. His stomach was churning, he didn't know how he could do this again. Not after knowing what life was supposed to be like. After knowing Jude, how could he possibly settle for anything else?

"Now, tell me how much you missed me and then kiss me."

Connor took a deep, shuddering. "I missed you. I missed you a lot, Leigh."

Then Connor leant over the console and kissed him.

When Connor's lips left Leigh's, everything about him felt wrong. The whole world felt wrong. He dropped his gaze away from Leigh's face and he spotted something in the backseat. Not a something. A someone. His whole world. His Jude, thrown on the floor like he was nothing, blood pouring from a wound on his head. No. Not Jude. He felt his body tremble. He had to get out of here. He couldn't leave Jude behind. But there was no way for him to get Jude out of there, not while Leigh was sitting so casually in the front seat. He faced forward. He didn't know what to do. What could he do? What should he do?

"Put your seatbelt on."

Connor could put his seatbelt on. He let it click and then he stared straight ahead as Leigh pulled out of the parking lot. He had just been sitting in this car with Jude, talking and laughing and kissing. Kissing. His lips tingled. The last person he kissed hadn't been Jude. As the car left his parking lot, he stared at Leigh. How had he been found? How long had he been watched? Would it have made a difference if they had never come here? Connor watched the streets go by. Where were they going?

Connor knew he couldn't ask. He knew that he wasn't allowed to ask anything. He kept his mouth shut because that was what he was good for. He wondered when his father would notice that they were missing. He wondered if anyone would come after them at all. His father hadn't come after him before. He had been left and abandoned here before. He could take it, when it was just him. He hadn't known any better. Jude was in the backseat now; it wasn't just him. Connor dared sneak a look to the back. He could see Jude, taking small, shallow little breaths. Jude was alive. Connor couldn't give up knowing that Jude was alive. If he didn't do anything that would weigh more heavily on him than if Jude had been murdered in the grocery store parking lot. If Jude died now, Connor's inaction would have caused it, not Leigh.

"So."

Leigh's voice was casual, conversational, but Connor saw the way that he was gripping the steering wheel. He was angry.

"Where have you been?"

"At school. Dad sent me away to school. He thought I would try to be around you again." It wasn't the truth and Connor knew that he didn't really know how to lie. He hoped that Leigh bought it. Jude never did but Connor knew that Leigh didn't see him the same way that Jude did. He was grateful for that. Leigh might not notice the lie and if he didn't, Connor might be saved, at least a little. If Leigh believed it was not his fault, if it was Adam's. He just had to hold his breath and pray that Leigh never decided to go after Adam or that Connor could figure out how to stop him if he did.

"School where?" Leigh's tone was getting tighter.

"New York," Connor whispered.

"I heard that. I didn't believe it."

"It's true."

He held his breath and waited for Leigh to ask about Jude but no questions came. He held his hands together in his lap and stared out the window, trying to keep track of where they were going, just in case he had to find his way back. That might be the best-case scenario. As long as he had Jude with him, having to run these streets again to safety would be the best-case scenario. Connor tried to think of Jude in his arms and how heavy Jude was when he carried him. He wondered how far he could get with Jude over his shoulders. He didn't think he could outrun Leigh, even without Jude's weight. He wondered how hurt Jude was, if it would only make things worse to move him.

The sun was nearly gone. The world was getting dark and shadowy and Connor's stomach clenched. If it were broad daylight, things would seem better somehow. Things would seem more manageable but, Connor could admit it, he was scared of the dark. It didn't help him that the face of his nightmares was sitting next to him, silent with a blank face. Connor couldn't read him; Connor didn't know what was going on. He missed the happy, noisy car rides with Jude, when there was the sound of the radio and the wind and their laughter. He could read Jude, he knew when he was happy or sad or anything in between. He knew Jude and it was Jude that he wanted.

He would give himself back to Leigh. He would do anything. He just wanted Jude to be okay. Not Jude.

"Give me your hand, Connor."

An order. Not Jude's light request that Connor knew he could refuse if he wanted to. Connor held out his hand and let Leigh take it. The grip was too rough and too demanding. Connor didn't like it. He didn't want it. He wanted to go home. He wanted to go back to Jude's apartment. He wanted to wake up to rain on the window and Jude whining about getting his coffee soon. He wanted happy and comfortable and wonderful. He didn't want this.

"Show me you missed me while we drive."

Leigh left Connor's hand on his thigh and Connor knew what was expected of him. They had done this before. Connor reached across his body and undid his seatbelt. It would just be in his way.

"Leigh, are we going home?"

"We don't have a home anymore!" Leigh snapped. "Do you know what you did, Connor?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't want this! I wanted you!"

It was true. Right after he'd woken up in the hospital, right up until he had met Jude. And then that had faded away, because he had better. The best. And the best wasn't Leigh. For years, Connor would have believed that. He would have defended that to his dying breath. Leigh was the best man in the world, Leigh was the only man for him, there was no room in his life for anyone but Leigh.

"You were wrong and you have to apologize. You have to make up for this."

"I will," Connor said. "I will. Please, give me the chance to."

Connor hated himself for the pleading tone in his voice. There were thoughts in his head, all at war with one another. He wanted to open the door and jump out, even though he would probably die. He wanted to stay rooted to the spot, thinking he had to be there for Jude. There was also the sick desperation to be close to Leigh again. Connor knew that part of him didn't belong. He really did know better but he didn't feel better. All of the work that he had done with Dr. Scott didn't matter when Leigh was in front of him. Nothing could have prepared him for now. Nothing at all. The thing that Connor hated the most was how much he wanted to do what Leigh told him. He hated how he was ready to jump the moment that Leigh said how high. He should be better than that. He should be able to fight back and be his own person but he wasn't. When Leigh was in front of him, he bowed. He came Leigh's again and Connor had no idea how to fight back against that.

"You know where to start."

Connor did and he took down the zipper on Leigh's pants, thinking of Jude. Thinking of Jude touching him gently, thinking of Jude wanting to touch him in a way that Connor would like, thinking of Jude telling him not to be so serious. That was what it should be. That was what a first time should be. Leigh never should have been a part of his life. Connor had made that mistake and now he had to undo it.

As he contorted himself over the console to bend over Leigh's lap, he prayed that Jude could forgive him. He hoped that he would be able to forgive himself. No choice, Connor reminded himself, you have no choice. He supposed he had some. He could bite down, let Leigh crash the car. But then Jude could get hurt again. It might only get worse and he knew that wasn't the option that he could take, even if it was the only one he felt that he had. Connor felt dizzy and sick. He wanted Jude, not the foul taste of Leigh. He wanted warm hands that he could draw comfort from, not the iron force of Leigh's palm against his head. Tears started to roll into his mouth and he wanted to throw up. He was drowning, again. How could he live through this again? He couldn't. He knew he couldn't. He wasn't strong enough for that. He wasn't strong enough for anything. He couldn't even say the word 'no'.

Connor felt the car jerk and he almost lost his balance. The sound of the road changed. Connor couldn't hear other traffic; wherever they were going now, they were going to be alone. A chill ran down Connor's spin as he bobbed his head over Leigh; he could imagine what would happen when they were alone and he felt his whole body go into revolt. The last time was supposed to be the last time and Connor had been healing from it. Where was he supposed to go, after living through that pain again? What was going to happen to him now?

Connor heard the crunch of gravel under the tires and then the car lurched to a halt. Leigh grabbed his hair and yanked Connor's head up.

"We'll have to fix this hair next." Leigh sighed and Connor was sorry for disappointing him. "You've let yourself go. Ratty hair, weak arms. You used to be perfect. Why would you do this to yourself?"

"I don't know," Connor whispered. "I need you."

They were all his old lines. Connor should know them by heart; he should have his delivery nailed, but they kept coming out all wrong. It was because he had no faith in the script anymore. How could he believe in these words?

"I know you do. That's why I came back for you, even after everything you did. I know what you need, isn't that right?"

Connor fought to keep his gaze from falling on Jude. Maybe Leigh had forgotten about him. He took a deep breath and said, "Right."

There was nothing else he could say now.

Leigh smiled, smug and arrogant. Connor had to divert his gaze from that; he couldn't stand to see that expression on Leigh's face. Instead, he stared out the front window. They were in a driveway, trapped between a tall fence and a grey house, facing an overgrown lawn. In the side mirror, Connor could see a 'FOR SALE' sign swaying in the breeze. Connor didn't recognize the house; most importantly, he didn't know how to run away from it. If he even managed to run, where did he go?

"Push your seat all the way back, Connor."

"Why?" Connor blurted forgetting, for a moment, who he was talking to.

Fingers hooked in the side of Connor's mouth and Connor's head was yanked around. He could feel his jaw trembling, but Leigh didn't get go. Leigh had never let go; Leigh always had his claws in him. His fingernail into the side of his cheek with such force that blood appeared in the scratch he made. Leigh's dark eyes pierced Connor like knives and all Connor wanted was to be able to look away.

"Seat," Leigh commanded.

He didn't let go of Connor's face as Connor struggled to lean down and grab the bar to push his seat back. He felt his seat hit something solid and he knew it had to be Jude's legs. He felt a nervous surge go through his stomach and the only thing he could think was not Jude, not Jude.

Anything but Jude.

"Lean the seat back as far as it will go."

Leigh's fingers were in his mouth still and Connor let his tears overflow. It was what Leigh wanted. Leigh wanted his pain; it would be Connor's atonement. Connor grabbed the level and the seat flopped backward with a thud that made Connor flinch.

"Lay down, don't move," Leigh instructed. "Be a good boy."

Connor started hyperventilating and he hoped Leigh slit his throat. He'd rather be dead than be forced to have sex with Leigh again. Leigh tugged at his cheek and Connor slowly reclined, staring up at the dull grey ceiling. Leigh's fingers left his mouth and he stroked Connor's cheek, leaving a long, wet mark along the bloody scratch that felt like a burn.

"Don't move."

Connor held his breath. He waited for Leigh's long, bulky body to smother his own. He closed his eyes. He couldn't watch it happen. If he closed his eyes and pretended enough, he might be able to convince himself that it wasn't happening. It had never worked before but it might be different now. Instead, Connor felt a cool rush of air and he peeked one eye open. Leigh was getting out; he couldn't maneuver over the console – the car was too small.

Connor's heart thudded but there was no time for indecision. He slammed his hands down on the lock for the passenger's side front and back doors and then he threw himself across the car and locked those doors too. Then, he sat, frozen like a deer in headlights in the driver's seat as Leigh screamed his name. Leigh's fists came down on the windshield and Connor flinched, terrified. Leigh would get in. Connor could already feel the windshield shattering across his face and the long wounds forming across his stomach as Leigh dragged him out of the car. Leigh would get in and then Jude would be dead. Connor took a shaky breath and glanced in the backseat. Jude's breathing seemed shallow.

Not Jude. Connor had told Jude he would protect him. It was time for him to do that.

He turned the key and the car rumbled to life. Connor tried not to look up and at Leigh as he shoved the car in reverse. If he looked at Leigh, he might lose what little nerve he had. The car roared backward and Connor nearly sent them directly into the ditch. He swerved and they ended up in the road. He didn't know how, but here they were. When he looked up, trying to figure out which way to go, Leigh was standing in front of the car, glowering, and Connor wanted nothing more than to cower and just take it. It was what he was good at; it was what he knew how to do.

"You said you'd be good," Leigh said, his deep voice rolling over Connor in waves.

Not Jude.

Connor pressed down on the gas. He tried to avoid Leigh but Leigh would not be avoided. Connor forced himself not to hesitate and not to look back, no stopping, no slowing down. Not even when Leigh flew over the hood of the car. Connor glanced up at the rear-view mirror, only to see Leigh struggling to his feet. Connor's own foot crashed over the gas pedal and he sped away.

"Hold on, Jude," he begged. "Hold on."

He hoped to see a police car. He hoped to get pulled over for speeding. He hoped someone called the police because he was driving so recklessly. Anything to get attention. He tried to navigate the twisty road and get back to something that looked familiar. He just needed one landmark to know how to get to the hospital. The drive seemed to stretch and last for an eternity. Connor hated being behind the wheel; he was too jumpy and too antsy. He kept thinking he was going to crash the car, only to think that he couldn't crash the car. He couldn't hurt Jude any more. He couldn't make it worse. Then, he saw it: a small convenience store, gas pumps outside, not unlike the one that Jude worked at. Except Connor knew this one so much better. He and his mother would stop here, because they sold the red candies that tasted better than all of the other red candies, according to a young Connor.

He let out a scream of relief. He knew where he was. He knew where to go. He veered to the left.

"Almost there," he shrieked to Jude. "Almost there!"

He cut thought he missed a stop sign. He didn't care. He was driving crazed, eyes focused on the thick yellow line along the pavement, barely looking up until he got to the hospital. Where did he go? Where did he take the car? He shot straight through, to the place where ambulances dropped off their patients. A nurse saw him stop through the glass doors and she stormed out.

"You can't park here!" she barked and Connor thought her dark brown face was one of the most beautiful he might have ever seen.

"Please," he begged, throwing open the driver's side door. "Please, you have to help him."

"What happened to your face?" she asked.

His face? He didn't need help. He yanked open the driver's side door. "Pl-please help him."

She peeked into the backseat.

"Don't move," she ordered him. "I'll get a doctor."

"And the police," Connor shouted after her. "I need the police!"

"Calling!" the nurse yelled over her shoulder, and then she was back through the double doors.

Connor collapsed against the side of the car, staring upward at the dark sky. Tears scalded his cheeks.

Please don't let Jude die. Not Jude. Anything but Jude.

The chapter's title is after the song War Of Hearts by Ruelle. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~