Connor stared down at the last bit of egg in front of him and then slid it through the syrup left on his plate. He looked up at Adam and then quickly back down again. He felt his heart flutter.
"Are you proud of yourself?" Adam asked. "I'm proud of you."
"Thanks, Dad." It felt false. It was a milestone that he should have reached ages ago. He had gotten his driver's licence and now, in a few hours, he was going to take his first flight, alone. Jude had left last week to go and spend a few weeks recovering at his parents. Connor had to stay behind and he didn't know the last time he had felt so lonely, sitting in his father's house with nothing to do but think about how afraid he was. He was glad to be going home, even if it had meant an emotional goodbye to his mother.
"Is Jude happy that you're going to be home soon?"
Connor nodded. "But, he's still staying with his parents. At least another two weeks. They want to make sure he's taking care of himself, I understand that."
"You'll miss him?"
"I do miss him," Connor corrected. The danger was gone. Jude was not to be hidden, and Connor was going to tell his father the truth.
"I know. I just meant that you'll be closer but he'll still be away and sometimes that's harder."
"Oh. Yeah, it might be. I hadn't thought of it like that." He took the last bite of his late breakfast. "I'm sorry I didn't get to meet Rachel. I know you really wanted me to do that."
"There's always next time. She wanted us to have some time together after what happened. But, um, we've been talking a little about Christmas and perhaps going to see you. Depending on where she and I are at and what you and Jude are doing."
"Thank you. That would be nice."
Christmas with Jude. An actual Christmas with Jude. It sounded so nice. Maybe they would get to have a Christmas morning together. Maybe they would put up a tree. Was that too much? Maybe it was too domestic and too fast because of that. But, maybe, it would also be perfect.
"Dad, you know Jude and I aren't living together, right?"
"Connor, I'm smarter than that. If you need me to pay for the room for another year or so, that's fine. Your comfort comes first and if you need somewhere to run to, that's okay. I'm sure Jude more than understands it too."
"More than you know," Connor murmured. "He … He didn't officially ask or anything so it's not living together."
"Okay but don't be afraid to tell me when it's official. You shared a bed while he was here. I've been there."
"Dad!" Connor said and he hid his face in his hands. It could be said that they had become closer since the incident but that didn't mean that Connor was comfortable yet with how their relationship had changed. He was sure that it could be a good thing, someday, but he didn't think now was it. He felt his face go red – was that really his father's business? But Stef and Lena had bought them condoms. Maybe it was just what parents did. How would Connor know? "Um, Jude and I aren't … We haven't done that …"
"Oh." Adam cleared his throat and everything felt more awkward since Connor could feel his father's uneasiness. "Sorry, I just assumed."
"Dr. Scott and I have talked about it a lot."
"Why is your sex life a topic of discussion?" Adam asked, and Connor didn't know whether to laugh or cry about the ignorance of that statement.
"Dad, the situation I was in before Jude …" Connor leant the words drop and he saw Adam pale.
"God, Connor, I'm so sorry. I didn't think –"
"You know," Connor said carefully, "it's almost better that you didn't. I don't want to be defined by that anymore."
"You are much more than that and I'm proud of you."
"Thanks," Connor whispered. "That means a lot to me."
"And, for the record, I do really like Jude."
"Even though he yelled at you the morning of the attack?"
"I think I like him all the more for it," Adam revealed. "Come on, I better get the bill. We don't want you to miss your flight."
Connor nodded and he bit down on his lip as his father flagged down a waitress. He wasn't going to see his father again until Christmas. No matter what else had happened this trip, he felt like he and Adam were better for it. He felt like he and his father were closer and he felt, through all the time that he and Adam had ended up spending with Jude and his mothers, that Adam really did understand him a lot better. He was a lot closer to the relationship he wanted from his father than he had been when he and Jude had landed here. Connor didn't say a word about it as they left the restaurant and he just made the effort for small talk as Adam took him to the airport. Adam walked him inside and together they checked his bag. They approached the security line and that was when Connor hesitated.
"What is it? Did you forget something? I might be able to book a last-minute ticket if you've changed your mind about going alone."
"No, that's not it. I just wanted to say thank you. You've been a really great father and I … Thank you." His words failed him and Connor leant forward, quickly giving Adam a hug.
"I love you, Connor."
"You too, Dad."
Connor hefted his back pack over his shoulder, took a deep breath, and then he walked through security.
It was time to go home.
(-.-)
Connor neatly made up Jude's bed, even though it hadn't been all that messy. He had slept there alone, which was even harder than Connor had imagined it to be and he had imagined it to be very difficult. It was worse knowing that it was his first night back last night and Jude hadn't been here to greet him. He had entertained the idea of going to his much-neglected dorm room but, somehow, that thought had hurt more. Connor made himself an egg for breakfast, thinking that he would have to do some real grocery shopping soon. Perhaps he would do some to kill the time between now and when he went to visit Jude. He really needed something to keep his mind off of it. Not that he wasn't excited to see Jude again; he just wasn't excited about getting there.
Jude was staying at home with his parents, which meant that Gerald had been peacefully sitting in Jude's driveway since they had left to visit Adam. Connor was now the proud owner of a full licence and Jude had given him full permission to drive Gerald down. Connor had protested it when Jude had mentioned it on the phone last night, but Jude had just laughed it off. "I think I told you before that he's an old car. Also, I've seen you drive. You've driven me home from Moms before! I'm not worried."
But just because Jude wasn't worried didn't mean that Connor wasn't.
He put his breakfast dishes away in the dishwasher and dressed. He fixed up the bed again, straightening Ameplos from where he had tipped over.
Anxious. He felt anxious.
So anxious that when his phone beeped at him, Connor jumped as if it had been a gunshot. He exhaled slowly and approached his cell phone with caution, even though he knew it was ridiculous. His phone wasn't going to bite him.
Jude: When are you coming to see me?
Connor: when do you want me to?
Jude: an hour ago?
Connor: That's impossible
Jude: an hour from now?
Connor: You know how slow I drive.
The phone in his hand started ringing loudly and Connor stared down at the call screen, startled, before he lifted it to his ear.
"Jude?"
"Baby, just get here. I want to kiss you."
"I want to kiss you too," Connor replied.
'Then speed on your way here."
"I can't do that!"
"Your version of speeding is going the speed limit."
There was some truth to those weirds but Connor still tried not to make a face. He was sure that, somehow, Jude would be able to sense it if he did. Instead, Connor seriously said, "I won't speed."
"Not even for me?"
"No. I don't want to get in a car accident. I want to make it to you in one piece."
"Oh, now you're being cute about it so I can't even whine."
"I'll be there soon," Connor promised. "I'll leave as soon as we hang up."
"Are you nervous about driving?"
"Yeah. I've never driven by myself before," Connor said. "What if something happens?"
"It won't. You said you'd make it to me in one place. You have to keep your promise, baby."
"I will."
"Oh, and, maybe pack a bag."
"Why? Why do I need a bag?"
"You might not but, you know, just in case you get too nervous and want to spend the night with me."
Connor laughed. "You're convincing, you know that."
"I know."
"I won't need the bag."
"We'll see," Jude sang under his breath.
Connor packed a small bag anyway. He would leave it in the trunk; he wouldn't let himself be tempted. Even if Jude was tempted.
"I'm walking out the door," Connor said.
"I love you."
"See you soon."
Connor took his time fussing with the bag in his trunk before finally sliding in the driver's seat. He looked over to the passenger seat. He would much rather be there. Jude looked better in the driver's seat; it fit him better. Connor knew that he had to do it, though. It was the only way he was going to see Jude. So, he finally turned the car on and backed out into the road. He drove slowly. He would have liked to have music playing but he also knew that it would be distracting and he was too worried about distractions now. He was focused. He was going to stay sharp. It was exhausting, trying to pay attention to every little thing around him. He wondered how other people did it all the time. He was so relieved when he turned into Jude's neighbourhood. When he got into the Adams-Fosters' driveway, he turned the car off and exhaled heavily, resting his forehead against the steering wheel. He had made it. Alive. It took him well over the hour that it usually took Jude, but he was here.
He opened the door and stepped out, taking a deep breath of the thick, summer air. He took a few steps toward the house and then he heard a high, female voice call his name. Connor turned slowly. Taylor. Somehow, she looked even worse than the last time he had seen her.
"I heard there was an accident. Is Jude okay?"
Connor bit his lip and glanced at the house but nothing moved, as if there were no one home at all. He scrambled around in his brain. He didn't know what the right thing to do here was.
"You shouldn't be here," he finally said.
"I'm just worried about him." Taylor rocked back on her heels. "I'm his best friend."
"Were," Connor said, softly, as if that would make it hurt less.
"Jude gets mad. He has a temper, sometimes. It's fine."
"It's not fine," Connor said. "He needs you to go away. He needs to heal. He's told you this before."
Taylor shrugged. "Sometimes Jude needs help. I'm here to help. Is he okay?"
"You need to listen to him."
Taylor took another step forward and Connor saw the top of something poke out of her shorts: a small plastic bottle, with a red top.
"I will tell you he's fine. I'll also tell you that he'll do better if you listen and give him space. You need to accept what you've done."
"I never meant to hurt him."
Connor could hear the tears building in her voice and he felt guilty for thinking that he'd rather be safely inside when she started crying.
"I know but you did. You need to away. You need to heal. He needs to heal. That's all that can happen now."
"I am going away! They are going to send me to prison!" Taylor exclaimed. "Tell Jude I'm sorry."
"It's not going to matter," Connor said honestly. Then, before she could speak again, Connor bolted into the house. He shut the door behind him and exhaled heavily.
"Connor?"
Jude's voice calmed his racing heart. Connor turned into the living room, wanting nothing more than to lay down next to him, figure out how to get his arms around Jude without hurting him. But when he surveyed the scene, he realized Jude wasn't alone. He was sitting on one end of the couch with Dylan sitting on the other. They were smiling, their feet touching, and Connor didn't want to feel jealous but he did.
"Hey, baby. How was your drive?"
"Fine. Um, I need water. Do either of you want a drink?"
"That'd be great," Jude said, while Dylan shook his head and thanked him.
Connor rushed into the kitchen and poured two glasses, his hands shaking. He didn't know Dylan was here. It shouldn't throw him off this much. It probably wouldn't have, if Taylor hadn't have been waiting on the lawn to ambush someone, but she was and Dylan was here and Connor needed to get some kind of control back. He counted the seconds of his breaths until his heart was somewhat normal and he knew Jude would wonder what was taking so long to get water. He took the glasses out and left them on the coffee table. He sank to the floor and rested his head against Jude's hip and closed his eyes. He knew it was rude but he just couldn't bring himself to do anything else.
"Are you worried about your dad?" Jude asked but Connor knew the question wasn't for him.
"Always. He goes through good stages and bad stages. Right now, is one of his good stages, which is almost worse. At least when it's bad, you know what's happening. When it's good, you're just holding your breath and waiting for it to end."
Connor peeked an eye open at Dylan, feeling, maybe for the first time, that he understood him.
"He thinks the move will be good for him," Dylan added. "I don't know about that but I think, no matter what, it'll be good for Mom."
"Are you going somewhere?" Connor asked.
"Dad wants me to go back to school in the fall and so he and Mom are moving to Chicago with me. Beginning of next week. It'll give us the rest of the summer to get settled, meet Dad's new doctors, and hopefully show them around."
"And Dylan gets to see Ben sooner," Jude added, and Connor could hear the innuendo in his tone.
"I am jumping him the minute I see him," Dylan said, somewhat wistfully.
"Even if your parents are there?" Jude asked.
"Dad would just laugh at me. Mom's a little too conservative about PDA, but you know that."
"Holding hands and kisses are the cheek were fine," Jude informed Connor. "Anything else was a scandal."
"Inside the house, she didn't care, but she was a prom queen so I think she just got trapped in the 'protect your reputation' mindset."
"It sounds like it could be heard to live with."
"Not really. She's great. And I should be home packing with her," Dylan said. "I just wanted to say goodbye, Jude. I probably won't get to see you much anymore."
"We'll still have Facebook," Jude quipped.
Connor watched Dylan lean forward and squeeze Jude's hand.
"It was nice to meet you, Connor."
"You too," Connor said, and he tried to mean it. "I hope you're happy in Chicago, Dylan."
"Thanks."
Dylan leant over the back of the couch to kiss Jude's cheek. Connor bit down on the inside of his lip as Jude kissed him back and then Dylan was out the door. Connor sighed and let his head flop down against Jude's stomach, hiding his face in Jude's shirt. Jude's hand lightly fell between his shoulder blades.
"Dylan bother you that much?"
"No."
"Then come up here and kiss me. You did say you were going to kiss me."
"I might have made a mistake," Connor whispered. "And I need to know what you think before I let you kiss me."
"What mistake did you make?" Jude asked, sounding too nice. Connor took a deep breath and told Jude every detail from his encounter with Taylor that he could, and then he held his breath until Jude lifted his hand to kiss it. "You were nicer to her than I probably would have been but you didn't say anything I wouldn't have. Now, come here and kiss me?"
"Really?"
"Really."
"Where are Stef and Lena?" Connor asked, picking up his head.
"They went out to get coffee and grocery shop so Dylan and I could have some time alone. Or so you and I could have some time alone. Whatever. Come here."
Careful of Jude's ribs, Connor climbed over him and settled against the back of the couch. Jude didn't let him get far, though, and his lips were on Connor's before Connor was sure he was ready for them to be. He inhaled sharply and softly kissed Jude back but he knew Jude could sense a hesitation. Jude's lips left his and Jude peeked up at Jude's eyes, hardly able to meet his gaze because of it's the intensity.
"What is it?" Jude asked.
"I don't want to hurt you," Connor said. "I know you're still hurt."
"My lips aren't a problem."
There had been a tube down Jude's throat. Connor had seen it, the one time that he had peeked in the hospital room, before Stef and Lena had arrived. There had been tape around his mouth to hold it in place. Jude had seemed hurt all over. Even if the doctors were mostly concerned about his head and his broken ribs, there had been tubes and machine and an army of people going in and out in order to keep an eye on him. No matter what kind of pain Jude had actually been in, it had seemed like he should be in pain from head to toe.
"I can't hurt you at all," Connor whimpered.
"It's just my ribs. You can touch me everywhere else."
Jude picked up Connor's hand, running it across his cheeks before kissing Connor's knuckles. Connor managed a chuckle before Jude drew his hand down, across his collarbone and down his chest. Connor knew where Jude was headed and he resisted the urge to pull his hand away. Jude trusted him, he trusted Jude. Even if his stomach did turn inside out when Jude rested his hands along his injured side.
"This is where I hurt. I know what I can and can't do. I can kiss you, so, you can kiss me."
Jude's eyes were smoldering and he was so hard to refuse. Connor didn't want to refuse but there was still his singular thread of worry. "I want to protect you, Jude."
"You did protect me, baby. You saved my life."
"I put you in danger."
"I chose the risk. We've been over this."
"I know, I know." Connor shook his head. "But I can't stop thinking about it. I don't think you can understand, Jude, because you'll never have to see me like that and I can't stop seeing you like that." Connor reached up, lightly touching the top of Jude's head, feeling the scabbing hidden beneath Jude's thick brown hair. "You looked like you were really about to die."
"But I didn't. I'm fine. I'm lucky." Jude grinned at him, innocent and heart-stopping all at once. "The doctor said so. I'm lucky, all because I have a boyfriend like you."
"You really don't think I'm a curse or something?" Connor asked nervously.
"Baby," Jude said sternly and he gave Connor's chest a poke for every word of, "Third best thing that's ever happened to me."
Connor had to look away from the intensity on Jude's face.
"Do you know what the third thing is?" Jude prodded.
"Me," Connor whispered, shyly peeking at Jude, who cupped a hand around his ear. Connor felt his cheeks go hot as he raised his voice to say, "It's me."
"It's you," Jude said.
And it was Jude. It was supposed to be Jude. Connor knew that now. For years, he'd been wrong. So wrong. Misguided, bullied, and scared, thinking that Leigh was the right one and making himself fit that mold.
"You have to tell me the second anything hurts," Connor said.
"Pinkie promise."
Connor curled his little finger around Jude's and then fully held his hand, pressing it into the couch beside Jude's head. Carefully, he directed Jude until he was flat on his back and then he gently slid himself between Jude's legs. Jude's legs came up around his waist and Jude let out a sharp inhale. Connor quickly pushed himself up on his arms, hovering over Jude's body.
"That was my fault, not yours," Jude said. "I moved too fast. That's all."
Connor felt Jude's hands on his lower back, pushing gently. Connor gave in, dropping his body back against Jude's. Jude's legs moved slowly back up, wrapping around Connor's legs. Jude's free hand reached up to the front of Connor's shirt. He pulled at the fabric of Connor's shirt until Connor gave in and his lips met Jude's softly. He was scared to kiss Jude. He knew he was scared to kiss Jude but not scared like he was the first time that they had kissed – that little, fluttery movement that could hardly be called a kiss but that Connor had spent days thinking about. He just didn't want to hurt his boyfriend. Jude was too good for that and Connor didn't want Jude to look at him and think of pain, not since they had gotten back together.
Jude kissed him like Jude wasn't thinking of his ribs. Jude kissed him like things were normal. His hips ghosted Connor's but a weak noise escaped him at the movement. Connor backed off again. He couldn't tell if the noise was one of pleasure or pain and he couldn't take the risk that it was the latter. He also hated the thought that he couldn't tell the difference. He should be able to know. He reached his hand up, stroking Jude's hair again. Jude hummed softly and his eyes opened slowly.
"You're too scared."
"I'm sorry."
"Lay with me, then. Just lay with me."
Connor rolled back into his spot on the couch, turning on his side and trying to make himself as small as possible so that Jude wouldn't have to turn and stretch out his side. Connor knew how painful healing ribs could be. He knew how long it would last. He carefully put his hand along Jude's chest, curling it around his shoulder.
"It's okay, baby."
"It's not," Connor said, an unsettled feeling deep in his chest. "But it will be."
"I'll take it," Jude said, squeezing Connor's side. "You know, I love you."
"I know," Connor said, the words making him even more breathless than usual. "You're my favourite person, Jude."
Jude smiled at him, beautiful as always, and then kissed him on the forehead. Connor rested his head against Jude and closed his eyes.
They were safe.
(-.-)
"No, Dad, I'm not talking and driving. I can barely drive and drive. I'm sitting in Stef's and Lena's driveway. I just got here when you called."
"I see. Is it kind of late to visit?"
"No. It was just a spur of the moment thing. I was supposed to come visit tomorrow but Jude asked me to come."
"Ah. How's Jude?"
"He's good," Connor said. "He's healing as expected. He's getting a little restless at his moms', though. They want him to stay another week. They're worried about him on his own."
"Is he going to?"
"Yes," Connor said. "It's one week and after what happened with his sister, he just can't say no to them right now."
"Even though he won't really be alone," Adam said, and Connor was floored to realize that his father was teasing him. He and Adam had made it to a place where Adam teased him! About his boyfriend! A warm feeling came over Connor; people didn't tease that nicely about things that they hated, either. "Or do Stef and Lena not realize how much time you spend there?"
"I don't know if Jude's ever explicitly told them but it's not a secret and he doesn't keep secrets from them. They probably know."
Connor squinted at the house; he thought he had seen someone's face in the window but it had been such a quick flash that he wasn't sure who it had been.
"How have you been on your own?"
"I don't like it but I can do it. I find the easiest thing is for me to make a plan, every night, for what to do the next day. It keeps me from feeling lost and I think that's the part I hate the most. At least with Jude, there's a person. There's something to do and someone to talk to."
"Have you thought about talking to Jake again?"
"I have," Connor admitted. "I made a resolution about it with Dr. Scott, actually. I am going to message him at the beginning of the new school year. It will give me the summer to heal and figure out the best way to explain myself to him and figure out what the best way to go about repairing the friendship is. I hope he'll talk to me again. I'd even like to see his friend, Alex, again. I feel like we could have gotten to know each other better to. If not, there's always classes and other people to really try with. I think I'm going to try and find a baseball team to play on this year too. I want to have a life. And, maybe, next summer, if everything's okay, I want to try and find a part time job."
"You don't need to rush. Take the time you need."
"I know and thank you for supporting me. I just … I feel for the first time that I can have a future. A real one. One that's mine that I decided on. And I want it, Dad, I want it so bad."
"That's what I want for you," Adam said, "but, it's just like I told you before. Don't get in your own way. Going too fast or too slow can be the same thing."
"Thanks, Dad. I'll remember that."
Adam cleared his throat. "One more question, before I let you go."
"Anything, Dad."
"I know this might be premature but I'm asking as a serious question: in this future, where do you think Jude is?"
"With me," Connor said. "But I don't think it's a fair question."
"Why?"
"Things are good between Jude and me. The feelings that we have are strong. You don't want to picture it ending." To emphasis his point, Connor asked, "How's Rachel?"
"She's great," Adam said. "And I understand. I love you, Connor. Give Jude my best."
"I will. Thanks, Dad, you too."
Connor hung up the phone and headed in the house.
"Hi, Connor!"
"Hi, Lena," Connor said, poking his head into the living room. It was here he'd expected to find Jude but his boyfriend was nowhere in sight. "How are you?"
"Catching up on my reading," Lena said, lifting the novel. To Kill A Mockingbird, Connor read. "Have you ever read it?"
"No," Connor admitted. "I've heard it's good."
"It is. If you ever get the chance, you should take a look."
"I will. Thank you for the recommendation." Connor awkwardly scuffed his foot along the floor. Was it rude to ask where Jude was?
"He's up in his room with Jesus," Lena said, saving him from his own awkwardness.
"Thanks."
Connor shifted his bag on his shoulder and ascended the stairs, knocking on Jude's partially open door.
"Come in," Jude called. Connor stepped in, his gaze finding Jude's face before looking at anything else in the room. He was sitting on his made bed, propped up against his pillows. "Hey, baby."
"Hi." Connor finally glanced over to Jesus, leaning against the opposite wall. "Hi."
"Hey, can I ask you something?" Jesus asked.
"Oh, sure," Connor agreed, but he didn't know if he could have said anything else. Connor lowered himself on the end of Jude's bed, feeling Jude's toes poke into his tailbone. He reached behind him and cupped Jude's foot in his hand.
"Jesus, drop it," Jude warned, but he just sounded tired, not angry.
"No, no," Jesus said. "He agreed. It's a harmless question."
"It's a stupid question," Jude said, "but, you know, if this will make you drop it."
"Connor, you like guys, right?"
He glanced at Jude, who was half-shaking his head and half-laughing and then he looked back at Jesus. In a deadpan, he answered, "No."
Jude cracked up and his foot pulled so insistently at Connor's side until Jude slid up the bed with him. Connor let Jude put an arm around his shoulders.
"I think you were right," Connor said to Jude. "It was a stupid question."
"That wasn't my question," Jesus protested. "It was the question before the question."
"Okay."
"Do you find me attractive?" Jesus asked, dramatically gesturing to himself.
Connor cocked his head to the side. "Well, objectively or personally?"
"What do you mean?"
"Objectively speaking, I wouldn't have to be into men to answer that. I wouldn't date a woman but I can still say whether or not she's objectively attractive. I wouldn't find her personally attractive. I wouldn't say I find you personally attractive but, objectively, yes. You're attractive."
Jude was still laughing while Jesus was squinting at him.
"So, you wouldn't date me?" Jesus asked.
"I didn't say that."
"You'd date my brother?!" Jude exclaimed.
"I didn't say that!" Connor said. "It just wasn't a question that was ever asked of me! Also, your attractiveness has no bearing on whether or not I'd date you."
"You are dating Jude," Jesus mused. "So, why did you say 'yes' to going on a date with him?"
"I am attracted to him," Connor stressed. "Also … I …"
"Baby, you don't know why we're dating?"
"No, he asked specifically about me going on a date with you and I was just trying to think of the first date I actually said 'yes' to."
"Weekend date," Jude said. "First time I called it a date before we were actually on it."
"I'm getting a cavity," Jesus griped. "Also, we're getting off the subject. Make goo-goo eyes at each other later."
"You're turning into Mariana, you know that?" Jude asked.
"Take that back."
"No."
"Take it back!"
"No! Hey, can't touch me! I'm broken!"
Connor clenched Jude's hand and prepared to jump between he and Jesus but Jesus backed off with a roll of his eyes.
"It doesn't matter how attractive you are. It's not going to make someone say 'yes' to going out with you," Connor said.
"But I'm hotter than her boyfriend," Jesus said.
Connor gaped helplessly at Jesus and then he turned to stare at Jude.
"She has a boyfriend! You're gross, get out!" Jude said.
"But –"
"Out. Or I will rat out your gross-ness to Moms."
"All right, all right, I'm out. But, don't forget the upstairs rule."
"I'm an adult!"
"Don't be gross," Jesus sang on his way out.
"Sorry, about him," Jude murmured and he gently kissed the side of Connor's neck. "He kind of ambushed you."
"It was fine. It was …" Connor turned his head to look at Jude.
"It was what?"
"Nothing." Connor rested his head on Jude's shoulder. "I miss having you home. It's lonely at night. When I go to sleep, I tell myself you're just at work and I'll wake up with you there but I don't and I miss you. It's harder to remember you're okay when you're so far away."
Jude's hand rubbed his side. "I miss you too. I'll be home in a week and I'm going to keep you here so late that you're not going to want to drive home."
"I thought you were going to stop conning me."
"I never promised that," Jude said. "And this was an obvious con so you could have avoided it."
"I miss you and you're using it against me," Connor sulked.
"Yeah but only because I miss you," Jude said, so sweetly that Connor forgave him and tried to stop sulking. "How was driving at night?"
"Fine. Terrifying. Fine."
Jude laughed. "Come to bed with me."
"I barely saw Lena, I didn't see Stef, it would be so rude of me to –"
"Just lay down with me. I'm tired."
Connor always gave into him when he used that voice. Jude splayed flat on his back, one hand behind his head. Connor carefully put his head down on Jude's arm and tucked himself around Jude's uninjured side. He slid his head down and listened to Jude's heartbeat, strong and steady under his ear. It was his favourite sound. He closed his eyes and let the sound lull him. When it came time to say goodnight to Stef and Lena, he half-stumbled his way through it, feeling almost like he was sedated. He came out of the bathroom with his teeth brushed and his pyjamas on, only to find Jude lying upside down in bed.
"Are you sure your parents will be okay with us sharing a bed?"
"Mhm. But Mom said to remind you the walls are thin," Jude whispered.
Connor nodded solemnly and sat down beside Jude on the bed. "Why'd you move the pillows down here?"
"It's so I can lay on my side and you can hold me the way you always do when we go to bed."
Connor grinned and climbed over Jude against the wall. "I don't want to hurt you."
"I'll let you know if you get close, okay, but first, look at me. There's something I want to talk to you about."
"Something serious?"
"Maybe. Depends on how you take it."
"I don't like the sound of that at all."
"No," Jude said, smirking, "you wouldn't."
Connor propped himself up on his elbow, looking down at Jude. "So, are you going to keep me in suspense or are you going to tell me?"
"It's more of a question that I know you're going to want to talk about."
"Jude!" Connor whined, impatiently tapping at his boyfriend's stomach. "Come on!"
"Okay, okay," Jude said. "Baby, why don't you move in with me?"
"What?"
"Why don't you move in with me?" Jude repeated. "I think it would make sense. You're always there, you like it there because you live there even when I don't, more than half of your stuff is there anyway, and I don't even know when the last time you were in your room was! So, what's the point?"
Connor had to look away from Jude's face. "You know, my dad asked me if we were living together earlier."
"Is that a good or bad thing?" Jude asked and he sounded hopeful.
"I don't know. We haven't even been together a year yet – since the first one anyway. Why rush?"
"I don't know if this counts as a rush. It's just natural. It's just what should happen next for us. It's not that big of a change and then we're … good. Set, stable."
"Until you graduate and I'm left behind. Until we break up and everything is yours. Until something happens and I have nothing. Until I'm stuck."
"Hey, I'm not going to leave you with nothing, not even when I graduate. I am here for you, I am yours, this is a relationship. I don't want you to feel stuck and I never want to leave you behind."
"I know you don't want to but that doesn't mean something won't happen and you won't."
Connor sneaked a glance back at Jude, heartbroken by the look on his face.
"Baby, do you really trust me that little?"
"It's not about you."
"Let it be!" Jude implored. "Just you and me. Tell me you don't want to. Tell me it's about you."
"I can't," Connor whispered. "I can't. If I had my way, I'd move in, no thoughts twice but if I had it my way, I'd do a lot with you and never look back."
Connor sighed and flopped onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. The bed wasn't that big and he could feel Jude next to him doing the same thing. He sought out Jude's hand and held tightly to him. He let his eyes half-drift.
"But I can't let go and not because of my past or what happened to me. I can't let go because I am just scared. I don't want to be but I am. I like the thought that my room is there if something happens. I still have a place to go. A place that is all mine versus all yours."
"Do you want to find a new place, together?" Jude suggested. "Two bedrooms. You can have your own room. Even if we sleep together, there will still be a place that's yours and if we pick it out together, maybe it'll feel like ours to you. I want it to feel like ours."
"I love your apartment, Jude, and I feel like I have a place there. I know I have a place there. It's just …"
Connor closed his eyes, feeling a lump develop in his throat. He could see images in his head: he and Jude together, at Christmas, decorating the apartment together. He could see New Years as they watched the ball drop together and got their first New Years kiss. He could see waking up to Jude's face every morning, all of the knick-knacks that he owned cluttered around Jude's family photos and all of his clothes nestled in their own drawers, opposite Jude's.
"I have a place there but there's so much you there. You don't even have the drawer space for all of my shirts and pants."
"We'll go thrift store shopping. We'll get another set of drawers – a tall dresser. It'll fit perfectly between my dresser and the bookshelf. There is room for you. You fit."
"We met last September."
"We did."
"Maybe we do a trial run." Connor swallowed hard, feeling the lump in his throat start to fade. It was the right decision. It felt like the right words to say.
"Yeah? How's that work?"
Connor stared up at the ceiling again. "Well, I'll move my things in and keep my room. If I can go … the term without going back or feeling like I have to go back, I'll give it up. If I can't, then we just restart the clock until we're ready."
"Is it going to be like this forever?" Jude asked. "Me being ready before you?"
"Probably," Connor said, and he was relieved when Jude smiled. "What?"
"Just glad you're being honest."
"I want to be, with you." Connor rolled back onto his side and looked down at Jude again. He placed his hand on Jude's chest and rubbed his thumb across it. "I also talked to Dad about my future."
"What about it?"
"What I want from it, now that I can have one. I mean, really have one. I can heal. I can get a job and do things. Go places. I can learn to stop being scared."
"So, what's in your future?"
"I already told you, once. Do you remember?" Connor met Jude's gaze, hoping that he did.
"Sure, it was very romantic. You said 'for the foreseeable future', I'm in it."
"I still mean that. I see you there. More … more almost every time I look at you," Connor whispered.
"Connor," Jude said.
"What?"
"You're going to kiss me now, okay?"
"Okay."
Connor leant over Jude and pressed his lips to his boyfriends. Jude's fingers grasped the front of his shirt and held on tightly. Connor's body lined up tight to the side of Jude's and he gingerly slid his arm across Jude's torso, his fingers sliding under Jude's shirt. One of Jude's legs slid underneath his own and Jude tugged him closer. Connor wanted to be closer. His arms hurt so bad; he wanted to wrap them around Jude and hold him until they were both breathless, but he couldn't, because he heard the soft squeak of Jude's side paining him and he backed away quickly.
"Connor," Jude complained.
"You said the walls are thin," Connor said. "And I don't want to hurt you."
"I just want this rib thing to be over."
"Six weeks to six months," Connor cited. "Closer to six weeks if you behave."
"But I don't want to. It's more fun when we don't."
"Your mothers."
"I can't wait to go home."
"One week," Connor said soothingly. "It's time to go to sleep, I think."
"Okay," Jude agreed. "I love you, baby."
"You're my favourite person," Connor answered and he felt his hear speed up in his chest. It almost felt like a lie now. After – He stopped his thoughts. He'd promised himself he wasn't going to think of it. Not now, at least. He had the time. He leant forward and kissed Jude's forehead softly. Jude hummed happily and then carefully turned on his side. Connor put his arm low on Jude's waist avoiding the ribs that he knew were injured, and then he snuggled his face against the back of Jude's neck.
It was normal. It was perfect.
It was right.
The chapter's title is after the song Something To Hold Onto by Allie Moss. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~