Jude laughed and it echoed, loud and beautiful around the room. It was one of Connor's favourite sounds in the world and he could have listened to it over and over again. Next to him, Jude stretched his arms over his head and accidentally hit one of their now-empty coffee mugs sitting on the bedside table.
"Oops. But, my point stands. Look, I'm stretching, no pain. I've been back to work, no pain. You can stop babying me now!"
Connor leant onto his side, running his hands over each of Jude's ribs, carefully watching his face.
"I'm healed!" Jude insisted.
"Okay, I believe you," he said, but he couldn't help but sound reluctant about it. He knew it wasn't fair to Jude to act like a watchdog, he was supposed to be a boyfriend, but he didn't want to think of Jude hurting at all. He supposed it was a good and bad thing, depending on how someone looked at it.
"Kind of."
"Kind of," Connor admitted. "You know you best, Jude, and I believe you. I really, honestly, believe you."
Jude chuckled. "Do you believe you?"
"A little," Connor said.
"So, are you going to tell me what happened on my missing day now?" Jude asked. He flipped onto his side. "Or show me?"
He was flirting and it was so tantalizing. "I just don't know if you … It feels like if I'm doing something to you that you're not sure is going to happen, then I'm not giving you a real chance to say 'yes'. I could do something that you don't like and by the time that you say 'no', it's already been done and I can't take that back and then it'll just sit between us."
"Then, tell me. Show me or tell me," Jude said. "I don't think it's fair for me to not to know at all."
"I know and you've been patient."
"And I'm saying 'yes'. You told me I said 'yes' last time and that I liked it. If we go slow, nothing bad will happen. I'll have lot of chances to change my mind. It's not like you're just going to have sex with me before I can say anything."
"No, not that." Connor took a deep breath. "Which one would you prefer?"
"For you to show me," Jude said, without hesitation. "You've been so gentle with me lately. I want you to really kiss me again."
"Do you want to take a shower?" Connor asked. "That's how the missing part started."
Jude's expression felt like it was going to set him on fire. He grabbed Connor's hand and they slid off the bed. He followed Jude into the bathroom and swung the bathroom door shut out of habit. Connor watched as Jude flicked the water on. As it heated, Connor reached out for Jude, shedding his shirt. He placed his hands against Jude's bare back and the want within him flared. He had pushed it down and away while Jude had been healing; he pretended that he hadn't felt the lust that he had almost gotten used to when it was attached to Jude's bare chest. Jude took Connor's shirt off him.
"Hand on head," Jude warned him, just before his fingers tangled in Connor's hair. Connor appreciated the little warning, even though he didn't flinch away from Jude's hands and it barely crossed his mind that Jude would do anything bad to him.
Connor's lips pressed tightly against Jude's and then, surprising even himself, Connor's hands were on the waistband of Jude's pyjama pants, shoving them down to the floor. Jude's hands were on him, more confident than Connor's fumbling fingers had been. The damp air of the bathroom chilled Connor's legs and he was relieved when Jude tugged him toward the heated water. Jude's lips barely left his; once they were under the spray, Jude was kissing him again.
"This isn't how it went," Connor informed him in a whisper.
"All right, baby," Jude said, clearly happy to play along. "How did it go?"
He and Jude had taken real showers the night before. Even so, Connor picked up the body wash and the wash cloth. Jude closed his eyes as Connor rested it against his skin. He cleaned slowly and methodically, even though his heart hammered with the thought of what he was about to do. Last time had been more of a whim. Jude had been right there and so hot that Connor had felt a physical need to touch him in a new, different way. It had been a true, actual need to touch Jude more than he already had been – no forethought, no time to second guess. Then, later, Connor had spent nights awake thinking about it and there had been no regret, just the desire to do it again. He wanted to taste Jude, he wanted to touch him again. He liked that he could make Jude come, panting his name. As Connor lowered himself to his knees, cleaning Jude's front, Leigh crossed his mind for the first time. He had never done that with Jude. Jude had never asked him to, though he was sure that Jude wanted him to. Leigh had demanded it and taken it, but there was no reason that Connor couldn't give it to Jude when he wanted to. If Jude wanted him to.
"Jude," Connor said, surprising himself with the way his voice cracked. How had he gotten so dry-mouthed and breathless just thinking about it? "Do you want it to go exactly how it happened last time or can I try something else first?"
"Do whatever you want," Jude said. "I trust you."
Connor watched the suds rinse from Jude's body and then he slowly brought his hand up, firmly running his hand along Jude's length in the way he knew Jude liked before he lowered his head, his tongue just touching Jude's tip. Connor could just faintly taste soap, but it wasn't enough to deter him.
"Hand on head," Jude warned him.
"Don't pull," Connor said quickly.
"I wouldn't." Jude sounded half-offended, but he relaxed against the shower wall, his hand resting against the top of Connor's head.
Connor took Jude as far as he could, Jude's coarse hairs tickling the end of his nose. Jude moaned and his fingers twitched against the side of Connor's head. Connor felt the familiar swell of panic inside of him and he pulled back, taking a deep breath, just to prove to himself that he could. Jude's hand didn't pull at him or guide him but just rested against his temple. Connor glanced up at Jude's face.
"It's okay, baby, you don't have to."
Connor had to admit that he didn't like it – had never really liked it – but he had done things with Jude that he liked and this one was nowhere near the top of his list. He would do it, again, for Jude, sometime, but Connor knew it would never be a regular thing that he would do. He knew Jude wouldn't ask him from him either and he was comforted by that.
"You can stand back up if you want," Jude offered, but Connor shook his head.
"I want to go back to the script."
"Okay, let's do that."
"You'll have to turn around."
Water poured down Connor's face as Jude turned. Connor told himself to be methodical with his washcloth, to be like he always was, but it was difficult. The more he stared at Jude's bare skin, the harder he grew between his own legs. He wanted Jude and Jude … Jude …
"You want me, don't you, Jude?"
Jude's voice echoed around the small shower, slicing through the steam. "So much, baby, you have no idea. It'd probably scare you if you did."
Connor wasn't so sure that he would be scared anymore. The scariest had already happened and now there was just Jude and his light and Connor had a future with no fear. He could do anything and everything and he wanted all those experiences with Jude. Connor dropped the washcloth, feeling slightly impatient. Jude was clean.
He started like last time, moving slowly, giving Jude the chance to realize what he was doing and then say no, if that was what he wanted. He gently kissed each of Jude's cheeks. One hand went between Jude's legs, nudging them apart. He heard the dull thud of Jude pressing his head against the shower wall and he had to ask, "Is this okay?"
"Mhm. I really like where this is going."
Over his shoulder, Jude flashed him a grin but the moment felt surreal to Connor. It was the second time they had done it but it was also Jude's first experience. Connor knew Jude had liked it the first time, even with how hesitant he had been with the moves he'd been making, and Connor wanted to make sure Jude liked it just as much – if not more – this time.
Connor wrapped one arm around Jude's hip to grip his shaft. He could feel the coolness over the shower tile against his knuckles and he coaxed Jude into taking a step backward so they'd both have room to move. He let his other hand start to move down Jude's legs and Jude thrust his hips against him. Connor gripped Jude's waist tightly, spreading him slightly and keeping him still.
"Connor," Jude sighed, before Connor even had a chance to do anything. It fueled the adrenaline searing through him and he pressed his mouth to Jude's lower back.
A small noise escaped Jude and it sounded like need. Connor leant back just enough to take a breath. He watched the water stream down Jude's back, covering all the dimples and curves that Connor wanted to touch. He remembered how Jude tasted and he wanted it all again, but he could feel one hold back.
"Jude," he whispered urgently. "Jude, I need to hear you say yes again if you're still saying yes."
"Yes, baby, yes. Just do what you want to me!"
Connor pressed his mouth to Jude's side, interrupting the stream of water he had been staring at so intently. He followed the last trickle down, closing his eyes and just feeling his way along Jude's body. Jude's hips rocked against him slightly; Connor hadn't even realized he'd stopped moving his other hand. He found his rhythm again, his free hand gripping tightly to Jude's waist as his tongue finally slid between Jude's legs. He moved slowly, trying to tease. He felt slightly guilty for thinking it, but he liked the way Jude writhed as he took his time, trying to learn every bump and line of Jude's body.
Jude gasped loudly, one of his hands flying up to cover the hand Connor had on his waist. Jude's fingers wrapped around his own, squeezing him tightly.
"More," Jude begged. "I want more!"
It could have been the motto of their relationship, except, this time, Connor had more to give; he had more that he wanted to give. He pushed his tongue inside of Jude, prompting a cry of fuck to erupt from Jude. Connor felt Jude's body shake and he didn't let up as Jude pushed into him, unsure of whether or not he wanted to lean into Connor's hand or his mouth. Connor's hand splayed open along Jude's ribs, following his movements until his breath quickened and he felt thick in Connor's palm.
"Connor," Jude panted. "I'm going to – I'm going to –"
And then he did, the heat spilling out from between Connor's fingers before the shower washed it away.
Connor let go of Jude and shuffled back slightly. Jude surprised Connor by sliding down the wall and sitting in the bottom of the tub with him. There wasn't really room for the two of them and so Jude's long legs ended up awkwardly folded around Connor's body.
"I forgot that!?" Jude exclaimed, his eyes bright and alive. "That?!"
"That," Connor confirmed, his heart hammering in his chest. Did he tell Jude what Jude had done to him after? No; it'd feel too much like forcing him.
"Let him go down on you," Jude blurted, clearing Connor's thoughts away. "Baby, please."
"Well," Connor said, fighting to keep his voice light. He wanted his next words to seem a joke or a suggestion, not a demand. "If we're following the script, that does come next."
Jude groaned, sounding annoying and catching Connor off-guard. "I forgot that too?!"
"Sorry, Jude."
"You didn't make me forget," Jude grumbled. He looked cross for a moment more but when he locked eyes with Connor, his expression brightened considerably. "Guess we'll have to finish making the new memory, right?"
"Right."
"Stand up for me, baby."
Connor pushed himself to his feet, falling against the wall as Jude made his way toward him. It wasn't fair how sexy Jude looked. Connor already felt like he was on the edge and Jude, staring at him and wanting him, made him feel like he was going to come before they even touched once. Jude's hands ran up the outside of Connor's legs but before anything more could occur, Connor reached over and turned the water heat up. They were going to get cold before too long but Connor wasn't so overprotective of his ego as to think they were going to get hypothermia before he finished. He felt all of the air leave his body as Jude's mouth surrounded him. His hand came up sliding through Jude's dripping hair. He could feel Jude's tongue along the underside of him and he dropped his head, hearing himself whimper.
"Jude …" He was too turned on. He couldn't control it or hold back.
Jude's hands gripped his hips, not letting up.
"Jude," Connor tried to warned him again.
Jude slid Connor down his throat and Connor's fingers tightened in his hair. He came down Jude's throat with a small cry. Jude slowly let Connor fall out of his mouth and then he grabbed onto Connor's hands to pull himself up. They stood nose to nose for a moment and then Jude tilted his head to the side and kissed Connor sweetly.
"We should get out of here," Jude murmured, his voice low and alluring. Connor nodded. Somehow, he still felt like there was more to be done.
He bit his lip and kept his thoughts to himself, instead just reaching up and turning off the water. Jude hopped out of the tub first, handing a towel back to Connor. Connor took it, his body moving on autopilot as he watched Jude dry himself off. Jude wasn't putting on a show for him, just going through his own motions, but Connor still wanted to put his hands on him again. He wanted more.
Connor stepped out of the bath, reaching over and automatically putting his mother's rings on before anything else. Jude glanced over at him and then Connor really couldn't help it anymore. He stepped into Jude's space, leaning up and kissing him. Jude's hands gripped his waist and Connor really didn't care that he felt Jude's towel fall, partially dragging Connor's down with it. Jude's back hit the door and Connor forgot to care at all about his towel, instead he reached up and held onto Jude with both hands, cupping the back of Jude's thighs. Jude kissed him desperately and Connor took a chance, supporting Jude's weight against his arms and the door.
"Connor!" Jude laughed and he threw both arms around Connor's neck as his legs wrapped around his waist. "You're being such a tease, baby."
"I'm not teasing, Jude," Connor said, his voice just a little too serious and catching Jude's attention. He could feel every tantalizing line of Jude's body along his and he wasn't scared. "I want you. I want to give me to you, completely."
"I don't want you to regret it. We don't have to move that fast."
"It's not fast. It doesn't feel fast. It feels right for me if it feels right for you. You said we'd talk about it. We can talk about it."
Jude laughed, his head tilting back. "You're kind of not being fair."
"I can put you down," Connor said, though he felt like it would take all of his willpower to do so.
"No, don't you dare." Jude kissed him breathlessly and the slight rocking of his body made Connor moan. "Are you really sure you want to do this?"
"Yes. I mean … you've been on my mind and this feels right. It's a feeling, a real feeling. I know. I know what I want. I want you, Jude."
"I just thought sex was a 'never', baby, and I don't want to pressure you the other way and have you regret it."
"You're not pressuring me! I'll never regret any part of you and … I can't really say 'never' exists with you anymore. I was never going to fall in love – no baby steps or anything – but I did with you. I did that first." Jude's eyes were bright and trusting and Connor was losing himself to their depths while Jude's bare skin seared his own. "You sneak up on me. Before I know it, I'm in this place I never expected to be but it's better than anything I could have ever imagined."
Jude kissed him and whispered, "I'm as sure as you are."
"I'm a little nervous but I'm sure of how much I want to."
"No matter what part we're at, you can say no."
"So can you." Connor stared at him a moment longer. "Um, how … how do you want it to go?"
"We can't plan it all out," Jude said, though Connor half would have liked to. "But, I want to be carried to bed and I want to be facing you when we do it. I want to be able to see your face – at least the first time. Next time, we can use the wall." Jude grinned. "I like the wall."
Connor liked the wall too. He liked how he could feel even the subtlest of Jude's movements. Jude tilted his head to the side and Connor kissed him again.
"I want you," Jude said against his lips, his voice husky and his words a turn-on.
Connor wanted Jude too. Before Jude, he'd had no idea that being physical could feel like that. He didn't know that it could feel good or that he could feel like wanted it, knowing that Jude wanted it too. He liked how Jude's kisses felt and how Jude's touches felt and he was quite confident that he would like the rest of it too. He tried not to think back; he tried not to compare. All Connor wanted was new memories with Jude. He wanted more to overwrite the bad that had happened to it. Jude was happiness. Jude was his future. Jude was here, with him, now, and that was what Connor wanted. Because Connor loved him and that was so easy to say internally now.
"You'll have to open the door if you don't want me to put you down."
He heard the click of the door and then there was the cool breeze from the outer room that coiled around his legs. Connor felt his heart clench but he wasn't scared. If he was scared, he didn't think that he would actually be able to go through with it, but he thought that it was natural to be nervous. He thought Jude was actually nervous too and he thought it was okay. He knew that as long as it was Jude with him then he would be okay. Jude managed to get the door open and Connor rushed him across the apartment, scared of dropping him. The remnants of their shower still clung to them, making him even harder to hold onto. He made it to the bed and that was when he let Jude flop away onto the bed. Jude stretched out along his large mattress and Connor could hardly take looking at him. He felt as if his stomach was tying in knots and he wanted his hands and mouth to go everywhere. All he wanted to do was just touch him in any way possible.
"I love you, Connor," Jude whispered.
"I love you too," Connor answered and his voice shook.
"The lube is in my nightstand."
"Oh, who's the romantic now?" Connor asked.
As Jude snorted, Connor reached over and pulled the drawer open. He stared down at the tube and then he pulled it out, lying it on the bed and then he dropped the box of condoms next to it.
"The whole box, baby?" Jude teased. "It's a good thing we have all day."
Connor cracked a smile and it felt so good that he ended up just laughing. He slid between Jude's legs, covering his body so that he could kiss him. Jude's hands were all along his back and sides and Connor couldn't think of anything outside of his touches. He buried his head in the crook of Jude's neck and kissed the soft skin there. Jude's nails slid along his shoulder blades and Connor inhaled sharply. He kissed down Jude's chest. He wanted to take his time. He wanted to feel everything with Jude and he didn't want to feel what he had felt with his ex. There was love, between he and Jude, and respect, and he wanted it to feel good. He didn't want to do anything that would hurt Jude. He didn't want to do anything that they wouldn't like. He needed to give himself time – to learn what Jude would react to and what he wouldn't; to kiss Jude's sides and listen to him laugh because it tickled a little.
Connor lifted his knees onto the bed, pulling himself onto the mattress. Jude's legs fell open over his thighs and Connor got caught up in staring at him again. He was slightly guilty of thinking logistics – how they would fit together, how it would feel, the sounds that Jude would make. Jude was staring at his face and he finally said, "Use your words, baby."
"I'm starting to get worried."
"We can just make out. We don't have to have sex," Jude said automatically, but Connor almost wished that Jude would stop trying to give him an out. He didn't want an out. "But I really want you."
"I am just so scared of hurting you. That's what I'm worried about," Connor confessed. "It always hurt me so much and the last thing I want is for that to happen to you. I don't want to be to you what he was to me."
"And you never have to worry about that!" Jude exclaimed and he sat up, his nose close to Connor's. "That's not a problem. The first time will hurt a little, I know that but you don't want to hurt me. I know that. Are you scared?"
"Aren't you?"
"More excited. It's right for me, baby, I know that. You're right from me."
Connor slid his hand down Jude's leg before slipping his hand between them.
"Start with those," Jude said. "It might make it hurt less."
"Who's the virgin?" Connor asked.
"It's new to both of us, a little, isn't it?"
Connor kissed the top of Jude's shoulder. "I wish it was the first time for me. I wish I had been able to wait like you did."
"Waiting isn't the important part. This is our first time together and that means something. It's a first, baby, for you and me." Connor glanced up at Jude and Jude smiled once their eyes locked. "Our first."
"Our first," Connor repeated and he wondered how he had been so lucky to ever meet Jude at all.
"Now, kiss me again," Jude said.
Connor did and Jude fell into the blankets, pulling Connor down with him. Using one hand, Connor reached out into the blankets and found the lube. He pulled it close and left it next to Jude as he slid his hands between Jude's legs again, just trying to feel. He wanted to be able to know Jude with more than just his eyes. He wanted to know Jude through touch and smell and taste. He wanted to know everything about his boyfriend. Connor leant down and kissed him again as Jude nudged himself against Connor's hand. There was a half-frenzied edge to their kissing and Connor grabbed the lube bottle in his hand, spreading it over his fingers. The cool texture of it was unexpected against his fingers and he felt his heart thud brutally against the inside of his chest in one harsh movement before settling into its racing speed. He hesitated only a moment between Jude's legs before pushing one finger inside.
Jude gasped and whimpered in one breath and Connor almost pulled away completely.
"It's good, baby," Jude said throatily. "Oh, I like that."
Connor's heart skipped and he closed his eyes, maneuvering his body down the bed so that he could kiss a trail straight down Jude's chest. Jude's hardness was so close to his face and Connor decided to chance it, and he took Jude into his mouth again, wondering if it would be different without the shower around them. It was, a little, if only because the taste of soap was gone. Connor still didn't like giving a blowjob, especially when Jude started to push himself against Connor's mouth. That was flirting too close with bad memories and he lifted his head away.
"Baby, baby, try another. I want … more."
Connor picked up the lube bottle again, just because he wasn't sure if he trusted himself not to hurt Jude. He bit his lip, watching his fingers disappear inside of Jude and it wreaked havoc on his body like almost nothing else had done. He forced his gaze up to Jude's face; his eyes were close and he was panting quickly. Connor reached with his other hand and palmed Jude's shaft, trying to get both hands to move together but concentrating on that was so hard when he kept getting lost in just watching how the parts of Jude's body move – Jude reached up and grabbed onto Connor's bicep and Connor met him in a kiss. Jude's finger's dug into his shoulder.
"Baby, please, I'm ready," Jude begged breathlessly. "Please."
Connor was ready too, even though he didn't want to pull his fingers out of Jude and, from the sound Jude made, he didn't really want it either.
Connor sat back on his legs, his hands shaking slightly as he picked up the condom box and pulled the top off and pulled a condom package out. He stared at it; it looked so foreign in his fingers. He'd been shown how to put one on, long ago in middle school, but he had never actually done it. Not to himself, not to Leigh. Leigh hadn't liked using them and Connor would never forget being in the hospital and having the counselor ask about rape and STDs. He'd gotten the test, his heart aching when he thought of Leigh sleeping with other men. He'd been relieved to the point of embarrassment when it came back clean and then guilt had set in when he thought about how badly he'd been thinking of Leigh.
Connor looked up as Jude's hands covered his own.
"Do you want me to?"
Connor nodded but then he held Jude in place, kissing him before he could do anything else. Jude smiled at him, eyes light and dreamy.
"Tell me you love me, baby."
It bordered on the edge of too much. Sex, love, nevers. And just because Connor had said he would get better at expressing his feelings didn't mean he'd become so yet. He wanted to be able to but all he could do was kiss Jude and try to let him feel everything that Connor was. Jude kissed him fiercely and Connor was helpless. He wondered if what he was feeling now was how Jude had been feeling about him all along. If it was, Connor had no idea how Jude had been able to control himself. Connor felt so fulfilled every time he so much as looked at Jude, it took away his ability to breathe. It was like feeling every good thing at once.
"I love you," Jude said first, as if he knew, somehow, that it was easier for Connor to say it second, even though Connor had never expressly told him so.
"I love you too."
Jude took the condom wrapper from Connor's hands, blushing deeply when he opened it. He flicked the wrapper toward the nightstand and missed wildly. Connor resisted the urge to go and pick it up, just like how he hadn't folded Jude's clothes when they'd showered. It just wasn't the right time.
Jude's steady hands slid the condom on and Connor stiffened when Jude's strong fingers kept touching him, branching out to caress his hips and then his lower back, his hands slipping down. Connor didn't question whether or not Jude knew his limits and so he could just enjoy it and take a moment to think about what they were about to do.
Jude grinned up at him, his brown eyes beautiful and playful. He knew exactly what havoc he was wreaking on Connor's body and it was more of a turn on that he was aware. His hands skimmed heavily around to Connor's front, petting his way up his abs. When the tips of his fingers touched Connor's collarbone, his hands stopped, resting against Connor's chest.
"I'm sure if you're sure," Jude said, even though it sounded more like Connor's line.
"I want you," Connor replied confidently, thinking that, in turn, he sounded like Jude.
Jude kissed him again, his hands dropping away from Connor's body. He rustled around in the blankets and then Connor felt him apply the lube. He broke the kiss and looked down, wondering if it was enough. There hadn't been a saving grace like that for his first time and Connor would never be able to forget how that felt. Jude had such good views on sex and love and it meaning something that Connor was terrified for him to see otherwise. He hoped that Jude was right and he was wrong. He'd like to believe that there would be something good. He wanted things to be different and he had the hope that it would be because Jude was already so different.
"I'm ready, baby."
Connor could scarcely breathe as Jude laid back against his mattress. The errant thought that the sheets would have to be changed drifted across his mind but was overridden by everything else that was going on. He leant far over Jude, his hands by Jude's head. He kissed Jude again as Jude snaked his legs around Connor's waist, feeling hot and heavy. Connor kissed along Jude's jaw line and neck, guided by the noises that Jude was making and the way that he was grinding his hips against Connor's. Connor felt the frenzy and he knew neither of them would be happy if he delayed any more. He tucked his hand down to be by Jude's ribs instead and reached between their bodies, guiding himself forward to push against Jude just to … miss.
He skimmed underneath Jude, along to the inside of his leg. Connor flushed with nerves and embarrassment while Jude laughed.
"With you, not at you," Jude was quick to clarify through his giggles. "Don't look so serious, baby. It's supposed to be fun."
Sometimes, Connor just didn't understand Jude's world at all. That didn't stop him from smiling when Jude reached up, insistently nudging his cheek.
"Try again, baby."
Connor wouldn't get it wrong a second time. He wanted to try and make it as perfect as Jude thought it was going to be. At the very least, Jude deserved that.
Before Connor could try again, Jude reached down and took his hand. Connor locked their fingers together, the simple action giving the boost he needed. He moved a little further between Jude's legs and pushed again. Jude inhaled sharply, a high squeal in his voice that made Connor stop cold. Jude's fingers clenched around his own while his other hand tightened against the sheets.
"Jude," Connor managed, unsure of which way to go. He didn't know what Jude wanted.
"Move slow but don't stop," Jude instructed.
Connor did. The further he went, the more he just wanted to bury himself all the way inside of Jude and know how that felt. Every sound that came out of Jude made Connor's body feel tighter than a drum. Finally, he was all the way inside, his head hanging over Jude's.
"Fuck," Jude rasped. "Oh, just fuck me, Connor."
Jude's hand slid up his back, threading lightly through Connor's hair, guiding Connor to kiss him while Connor tried to discover a rhythm that worked for them but it was hard to think about things like rhythm when Jude was moaning and thrusting his hips in toward Connor's.
"There, baby, oh, right there."
Connor his face away in the crook of Jude's neck, trying to muffle his own sounds. The mattress squeaked with what felt like every little movement they made.
"Oh, God," Jude exclaimed.
Connor maneuvered Jude's leg over his shoulder, Jude threw his head back, his hand scrabbling along the wall as he cried out. Connor could see the whites of his eyes as he arched off the bed. Connor collapsed down again him, wanting to feel every line of Jude's body against his own. Connor reached between them to stroke Jude and Jude's shout of his name echoed around the apartment.
"Jude," Connor blurted, "is your landlord home?"
Jude laughed, gasping for breath at the same time. "If I can't hear her, she can't hear me."
Connor didn't share Jude's easy confidence but, instead, he said, "You're louder than expected."
"It feels different than expected. In a good way."
Connor inched himself back inside Jude while he was talking and when he bottomed out, Jude half-cried the last word.
"You can go a little faster. I just need more."
Using their joined hands, Connor nudged Jude's leg to rest higher up on his body and then he flattened out against Jude's body, giving into himself. Jude's moans of "Yes!" surrounded him and fueled him and Connor lost himself in Jude entirely. Sweat forming along his lower back as the entire apartment felt as thought it were overheating. He licked the salt from Jude's skin and then caught him in a kiss, Jude's legs spreading wide around him. Connor pumped at Jude faster as the movement of his hips became frenzied and then Jude came between them, covering their stomachs.
Connor wasn't far behind, his movements slowing to nearly non-existent, and then he pulled out of Jude, unable to look him in the eye. He slid off the bed, turning his back on Jude to remove the condom. He picked up the condom wrapper and took both to the kitchen, ignoring Jude's playfully annoyed question, "Baby, where are you going?"
He took himself to the bathroom next, cleaning himself off and then he carried a warm, damp facecloth back to Jude, who was lying where Connor had left him. Connor sat down next to him, pressing the washcloth to his skin.
"Talk to me," Jude requested, tucking his hand behind his head. "What do you think?"
"It matters more what you think," Connor said, unable to look up from Jude's body. He'd cleaned around his belly button at least three times, trying not to remember the shame, the confusion, the terror, the revulsion that followed his first time. He could see again – all too clearly – showering away the blood and cleaning the destroyed sheets the morning after when Leigh had gone to work.
Jude sat up and took the cloth from Connor's hand, reaching over to put it on the nightstand. Then, he lightly guided Connor to lay down against the pillows before cuddling under his arm, his head on Connor's chest.
"It was more than I thought it would be."
More. Jude had said that word so much that Connor was starting to lose sight of what he meant when he said it.
"But, I was right about you being the person that was right. I'm glad I waited for someone I loved the way I love you and who loves me the way you do. And I still love you. What do you think?"
Connor stared up at Jude's ceiling, feeling tears start to gather in the corner of his eyes, no matter how he tried to shove them down. He'd already cried about it once even if Jude didn't remember. His voice cracking, he said, "I didn't know it could be like this."
He was glad he lived in a world where Jude was right. Where sex could be good and it could mean something.
"It can." Jude turned his head and kissed Connor's chest before rolling more onto his side and leaning on Connor's chest so they could look at one another. "Are we going to do this again?"
"Do you want to?"
Jude nodded, grinning at him and Connor was so relieved he was happy. When he was no longer caught up in the moment, it was so easy to worry, but how could he worry when Jude was looking at him like that?
"Me too, I think," Connor said. "But, maybe not right away. I need time to be sure."
"Half an hour enough?" Jude asked innocently, but he couldn't hold the illusion and broke into a laugh. "We have all the time in the world, babe."
Jude put his head down on Connor's chest, humming happily when Connor started playing with his hair. Connor just stared down at him for several long minutes, happy just to listen to him breathe. He rubbed his hand down Jude's warm back, savouring the feel of his skin. He'd never pictured being here. He'd never imagined that anyone could be as happy as he was now. Every thought that wasn't about Jude left his mind when Jude looked up at him.
"You saved me, you know."
"You saved you," Jude disagreed. "If you hadn't wanted it, nothing I did would have made a difference."
Connor didn't know whether or not he fully agreed with Jude but he compromised by saying, "You gave me the strength to do it."
Jude leant up to kiss him gently, pulling their sweat-sticky bodies apart.
"You know what's great, baby?" Jude asked, their lips brushing together.
"What?" Connor hoped the answer would be that Jude wanted to kiss him again. He wondered how people ever got their fill of kissing those they loved.
"We're gonna have to shower again," Jude said smugly.
"And wash the sheets before bed."
Jude groaned. "We'll do it all later. I don't want to move yet."
"There was absolutely nothing wrong with laying in bed, Jude wrapped around him.
"I love you, baby."
Absolutely nothing.
"I love you too."
The chapter's title is after the song It Is You (I Have Loved) by Dana Glover. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~