Barefoot And Bruised

by The Last Letter

AU. Jude was twenty and not even thinking about love when he met Connor Stevens, a boy who took his heart almost immediately. But Connor has a past he still has to struggle with daily and resists falling in love, even as he and Jude grow closer. Even as it seems everything will be all right, Connor's past refuses to lie, and Jude finds himself in a battle with Connor's demons.

80. That's What I Want For Christmas

For the girl who deserves it.

"Hi, Dad," Connor said, trying not to look at his laptop screen as he spoke. He'd been buried in holiday recipes, trying to find something to make for he and Jude on Christmas Eve. So far, he was having trouble deciding. Everything was either too traditional or too out of the box. He supposed he should just keep to the side of tradition. After all, there had to be a reason that it had been that way for so long.

"Are you busy?"

"No. Not really."

There was an essay to be written too but Connor wasn't worried about it. He knew that class well. He could probably write the essay in his sleep. He wouldn't but he probably could.

"Rachel and I finally got our travel plans settled for over Christmas," Adam said. "We're definitely going to be able to make it down for a short visit."

"Good," Connor said. "What are the dates?"

"December twenty-fifth to December thirty-first. It's only going to be a short visit, I'm sorry."

"It's better than nothing," Connor said and he drummed his fingers along the countertop. "Um, I'm sorry, again, for not being able to come home."

"I can't blame you for that. You probably feel like you're setting yourself up for failure by coming back here."

"Something like that," Connor admitted. "I'm working on it."

He was still working on everything, or so it felt some days. Other days, he felt like he really was doing so well that he was fully healed. It was hard to slingshot back and forth and if Connor didn't have Jude, he could admit that he would probably feel completely lost. Jude kept him grounded in reality.

"Stef and Lena invited you and Rachel to come to their Christmas day dinner," Connor said. "Would you like to come meet Jude's family?"

"Sure," Adam agreed, "if that's what you want."

"I think it would be good," Connor said. "I want to be able to share Christmas with Jude this year."

"I understand. Rachel just wants to get to know you a little and I never really got to know what your life is like there. I'd like to see your new place."

"I can make you and Rachel breakfast here one morning," Connor offered.

The feeling that he would have to ask Jude's permission had left him because Connor knew that the apartment was his too and he didn't need permission to invite someone over. It had, admittedly, taken a while and he still anxiously reminded Jude every time Jake was to come over, even though Jake regularly came over every other weekend now to watch a sports game with Connor. On the alternate weekends, they would go to the batting cages. Connor was glad that his friend had taken him back and that he didn't have to feel guilty over Jude's bored expression every time he flipped to a game he wanted to watch.

"We'd both really love that. Also, one more thing."

"Yeah, Dad?"

"I bought your present and shipped it to you. It'll arrive tomorrow or the day after."

"Dad, it's not even Christmas yet!"

"I know but I thought you might want to have it for the holidays."

"Thank you, Dad."

"You're welcome. Text me if you need anything. Tell Jude I said 'hi'."

"I will."

"Love you."

"You too, Dad."

Connor hung up his phone and turned back to his laptop. Were Stef and Lena more likely to be having ham or turkey? Should he really cook either? Would he and Jude eat that many leftovers? Pasta. He would stick to pasta; Jude always liked that. Then again, it wasn't very Christmas-y and that was what he wanted. He sighed, switching to a new site, and then the door burst open.

"How was work?" Connor asked, not even turning around.

"Benjamin turned in his two weeks notice," Jude said, leaning by Connor to drop dishes in the sink.

"Dishwasher's empty, you know."

"I know." Jude grinned impishly and kissed his cheek. "But, I'm in a hurry. We've got places to be."

Connor hadn't been prepared for that. "Go where?"

"Places." Jude pulled open a dresser drawer and yanked off his work shirt, letting it pool on the floor.

"I'm getting you a second hamper for Christmas," Connor warned.

Jude just laughed at him. "I'll pick it up when we get home, promise."

"Where are we going?" Connor asked.

"Surprise!" Jude announced, spinning around to face Connor and throwing his arms out wide.

"I hate surprises."

"I know." Jude was in front of him again, nose to nose.

"It's too early to be dinner."

Jude bent his head slightly and kissed him gently.

"I'm not going to be distracted," Connor mumbled against his lips. "Where are we going?"

Jude's arms wound around Connor's waist, pulling them closer together. Connor felt as though he could scarcely breathe when Jude kissed him. He fell into his boyfriend, throwing both arms around Jude's neck, wondering how he ever could have been so scared of something so great. Jude leant back slowly.

"We're going Christmas shopping."

"I have your present already." Helpfully, Jake had stored it at his apartment so Connor didn't have to convince Jude not to snoop.

"No, like, decorations. If we're going to have our first Christmas together, we're going to go overboard."

Connor ran his fingers through Jude's soft hair. "We were dating last Christmas."

"Yeah but we didn't spend it together. And you won't avoid me this Christmas."

"Can't," Connor said. "Though it'd be fun to try in an apartment this size."

Jude laughed. "No. No avoiding me. If you have a sex dream about me, you have to wake me up so we can act it out immediately."

Connor wanted to laugh but he only managed smile. His insecurities about sex should probably be over now that they were having it but it just brought on a whole new set of questions. What did Jude really think? Were they having too much or too little? Connor had stopped feeling guilty about the times when he turned Jude down but he was still unsure about the times that he asked Jude first. Sometimes, it was still hard to do. But Jude understood that.

"I hate waking you up," Connor mused.

"I know. You don't have to. I'm just saying, don't be afraid to do it." Jude kissed his forehead and then grinned. "Put your shoes on, baby. We're going to make it Christmas."

But Connor just picked up Jude's hand, wanting to hold onto him. "What kinds of decorations do you want?"

"Mistletoe everything."

Connor did laugh that time. "No, really, Jude."

"I don't know. We'll know when we see it but we should definitely get a door wreath."

"Okay. A door wreath."

"Now, shoes, please!"

"Okay," Connor agreed. Connor shut his laptop and slid from the stool, narrowly missing Jude's toes. "Dad and Rachel are coming for Christmas."

"Should I tell Moms?"

"Yeah. We're also making them breakfast one morning," Connor mentioned, sidling by Jude to put his shoes on.

Jude bounced his car keys against his palm. "We will do our best to not set anything on fire."

Connor pulled the door open. "Can you at least pretend that I've taught you something?"

"Yeah. Why should I cook when you're so much better at it?"

"Jude!"

"Only a little sorry, baby." Jude locked the front door and they walked up the hill to Gerald. "Want to drive?"

"No, I hate driving."

"What do you hate more, driving or surprises?"

"Driving is a surprise," Connor complained, putting himself in the passenger seat. He looked over at Jude. "I only trust you because you're definitely better than a bus driver."

"Hey!"

"Only a little sorry," Connor quipped.

Jude laughed and let across the console to kiss him again. He let out his happy little hum as their lips met and that sound always made Connor smile.

"Okay, baby, let's go get Christmas."

(-.-)

"Jude! I thought we were going home."

"One more stop first."

"Where could we possibly be going?" Connor asked, feeling drained. Gerald's trunk was crammed full of shopping bags overflowing with twinkling lights and little snowmen. There just simply wasn't room for more in the car, let alone in their apartment.

"We're here, if you'd like to pay attention."

Connor sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and looked out the window. "A tree lot? We're at a tree lot?"

"We're getting a real Christmas tree," Jude said. "I snuck decorations into the bag. Surprise!"

Connor smiled out the window. "Okay, you win. I like this surprise."

"Yes! Points for Jude!" Jude cheered himself on. "Come on. We need to find a short tree."

"Did you remember to buy a tree stand?" Connor asked, wondering just how it was going to fit in their apartment.

"Nope, didn't have to. I stole the old one from Moms last time we were down."

Connor looked out at the green trees in front of him and the few people milling about. "You've been planning this for a while."

"It's our first Christmas together. I wanted it to be perfect. And," Jude added softly, "it's the first Christmas without Callie and I really want to be able to believe that it's still going to be Christmas without her. Not the same, of course, but she'd want me to still love the holiday, right?"

"Right." Connor clenched his hand tightly around Jude's. "Come on. We'll go find a short, fat tree to take up all of our floor space."

Connor was relieved when Jude cracked a smile. "What? Are you going to crawl across the kitchen counters to get to the fridge?"

"Unhygienic," Connor insisted. "I'll slide along the floor under the tree."

Jude snorted. "That, I actually don't believe."

"Come on, prove me wrong."

"That's your favourite hobby, not mine," Jude teased, but he opened the door of the car.

Connor didn't have a chance to ask him what he meant by that. He tucked himself into Jude's side as they started walking between the trees. Most of them they didn't even stop to consider. They were clearly way too tall for the basement apartment. They finally found the trees more suited to the size that they were looking for. They looked critically up and down them until Connor found one that was just barely shorter than Jude.

"If we put it right behind the couch then it shouldn't take up too much room," Connor mused, standing it up from the fence it was leaning on. "What do you think?"

"I think it's perfect," Jude said. "Good choice, baby."

"Thanks."

"Do you need help carrying it?" Jude asked.

"No, it's not as heavy as you'd probably expect a tree to be."

"Or you're stronger than a tree's heavy," Jude said. "Anyway, good, because you're going to have to hold it on your lap for the drive home."

"Jude!" Connor exclaimed as his boyfriend snickered. "Do you know how to put it on a roof?"

"No," Jude mused. "I found cables but we're going to need help."

As Connor lugged the tree over to the pay booth, he hoped that there was, in fact, someone there who would help them load the tree. He couldn't imagine anything worse than having to do it themselves and then ending up doing it wrong, resulting in the tree sliding off the top of Gerald as Jude drove them home. Luckily, his fears were for naught. While Connor paid the old woman at the booth, her grizzled husband helped Jude with the tree. Despite the fact that the man had clearly been helping people do the same thing for ages, Connor was still nervous when they finally started driving again, anxiously watching the tree to see if it even started to move at all.

"Relax, baby, it's fine. Even if it's not, there's no one behind us."

"There's no one behind us right now," Connor emphasized.

Jude nodded and turned the radio up a little. Connor rested his head against the window and looked up at the sky.

"I'll have to start dinner when we get home."

"What are you making?"

"Chicken parmesan. It won't take me long."

"Sounds good, baby."

Jude finally pulled in the driveway. Connor helped him wrestle the tree down the hill and through the front door. Though he tried not to, he watched the needles drop across the floor and the rug. He was going to have a pine needle problem by the time it was time to get rid of the tree. He itched to get the broom as he hefted the tree into the tree stand, moving it back and forth until Jude decided that it wasn't crooked and ducked under the tree to tighten the screws. When he emerged, he said, "Okay, you take a look. Make sure it looks okay before I get up."

Connor backed away from the tree, eyeing it critically. "It looks good to me, Jude."

Jude rolled up from the floor. "All right. I'm going to go grab the rest of the bags."

"I can help."

"You're helping by making dinner." Jude kissed his nose. "You don't have to do everything."

"I could."

"Yeah, but you don't have to. There's two of us for a reason."

"There's two of us because you thought I was hot last year."

"To be fair, I think you're hot this year too." Jude grinned. "I love you, baby."

"I love you too, Jude."

Jude headed back out the door, leaving it open for himself. Connor went about gathering ingredients on the counter but he kept an eye on the door. He didn't know what he was expecting to show up, he just knew that he was expecting something. Except, there was just Jude, carrying too many bags on his arms and walking sideways through the door so that he could fit through it. He deposited most of the bags on the couch. He opened one and pulled out the door wreath and hanger, settling it over the door.

"What do you think?"

"It looks good!"

Jude shut the door and Connor heard the lock click. Then, to his surprise, Jude joined him in the kitchen, grabbing the peeler out of the drawer and picking up one of the potatoes.

"I thought you were going to decorate," Connor said.

"I don't want to decorate without you. Doing it together is the point. So, I'll help you and then you'll help me."

Connor tilted his head as Jude kissed his cheek. They worked mostly in silence until Jude got bored of that and started playing Christmas music. It was only the beginning of the month but Jude was already so into the holiday occasion. Connor just smiled as Jude hummed along to the familiar tunes. Finally, the chicken was in the oven and the vegetables were all prepped. Connor washed off his hands, loaded the dishwasher, and then he and Jude found the decorations for the tree. The lights proved difficult and Jude ended up with them half tangled around them. Connor laughed.

"Look at you."

Connor carefully untangled Jude and they got the lights on the tree. Connor plugged them in and the brightly coloured lights glowed from inside the branches. It was a cute first tree and started to look even better when Jude started wrapping red and gold tinsel around it. Connor pulled the pack of glittering bulbs that Jude had bought and started hanging them off the branches, following Jude around the tree. He tried to make them as even and spread out as possible. It was a simple little tree but it looked wonderful when Jude stretched up and placed the star tree topper he'd bought on top of the tree. It lit up from the inside and cast a brighter glow around their small space than Connor thought that something that size would.

"I love it!" Jude announced and Connor was glad to hear that. He wanted to love their first Christmas together more than he could say – and he was sure that he would – but with the way Jude talked, Connor knew that loving this particular Christmas was so important for him.

Connor wrapped his arms around Jude's waist, hugging him tightly. "Do you want to do the rest of the apartment?"

"Mhm. I want to get it all done tonight."

"You start. I just need to turn on the potatoes."

"Okay, baby."

Connor went back to the kitchen but Jude slipped into the bathroom. Knowing he didn't have much time, Connor grabbed clear tape from the junk drawer and grabbed one of the sprigs of mistletoe Jude had bought from the bag on the couch. Connor climbed up onto the bed. He attached the mistletoe to the ceiling, right above their pillows. He hoped that it wouldn't fall down throughout the night and then he jumped from the bed, rushing back to the kitchen. He was able to have the potatoes going by the time that Jude came back to the kitchen.

"Everything smells good."

"You always say that."

"Yeah but I still mean it." Jude hugged him tightly. "Just like how I meant it when I say I love you."

"We've got some time before everything's done. Let's get the rest of the decorations up."

"Okay."

Jude carefully hung small snowflakes along the front of the cactus pots while Connor taped up a small garland around the edges of their dressers and the bookshelf. As Connor carefully tied little red ribbons along the garlands, Jude went rustling through the bags.

"Connor, do you remember how many mistletoe sprigs I bought?"

"No. Why?"

"I thought I got five but I can only find four."

"Is that a big deal? We don't even really have room for four things of mistletoe." Connor fought to stay focused on the ribbons. What if Jude had the same idea that he did and also tried to hang one up over the bed?

"Fine," Jude grumbled playfully.

Connor watched him as he put one up by the front door, the bathroom door, the kitchen door, and then he dangled one above Connor's head.

"Means you have to kiss me."

Connor stood up on his toes to reach Jude's lips, just leaning into the kiss when he heard the ding of his oven timer. He skipped away from Jude to the kitchen. He heard Jude groan good-naturedly.

"Always the food!" he complained.

"Good thing you love to eat."

Connor handed the potato masher over to Jude while he checked the chicken breasts. Satisfied, he grabbed plates for them and made them up, Jude dishing out the potatoes while Connor added salad. With drinks and salad dressing sitting at their seats, Jude and Connor finally sat down.

"What do you want for Christmas dinner?" Connor asked.

"Anything you want to make."

"That's not helpful," Connor said. "No, really, I want you to help me pick. I can't decide."

"I'll be happy if we order pizza and watch Rudolph."

"No, you won't," Connor said. "At least about the pizza part."

"That's true. Hey, why don't you to try homemade Chinese food? That could be good."

Connor stuck his fork through his lettuce. "It might be. Is that Christmas enough?"

"I think so. It's what we think that counts."

"It is," Connor agreed, thinking, "I could make fried rice, sweet and sour pork, and … something else."

"Egg rolls?" Jude suggested. "Chow mien?"

"I can do four things. What's Chinese food without egg rolls?" Connor said.

"True. Thanks for dinner tonight, baby."

"You're welcome," Connor said. "Do you like it?"

"I love it." Jude leant on his elbow and stuck chicken in his mouth. "Connor?"

"What?"

"The Christmas present you got me … is it that comforter I wanted?"

Connor tried not to let his face give him away. "I thought you had enough blankets."

"Babe, I didn't get to this point by thinking I had enough blankets … or pillows," Jude added. "Come on. Is it? Is it?"

"What did you get me for Christmas?" Connor asked.

"Nothing, yet. Don't worry. I have a plan."

"I wasn't worried," Connor insisted.

"Mhm," Jude mused.

When dinner was finished, they put the dishes into the dishwasher. Jude was tired – he'd had a long work day. He pulled on his pyjamas and climbed onto to couch, curling his legs up. Connor lifted Jude's feet onto his lap so he could sit down, pressing his thumbs to the bottom of Jude's feet. Jude's toes curled and he sighed happily.

"Rom com or tattoo show?" Jude asked, flipping through the channel guide.

Connor glanced up at the screen. "That movie's too cheesy."

"I thought you liked cheesy," Jude said, picking the tattoo show.

"I like you being cheesy and that's mostly the you part."

"He loves me," Jude said to no one.

"Yeah," Connor murmured, even though he didn't have to. Even though he knew that Jude knew and was sure of it. He said it anyway because he knew that Jude liked it when he did.

Jude wrapped his arms around his pillow, holding onto it as he flipped onto his back and looked up at the tree. He pulled himself up so he was sitting and the tree was so close to the couch that the colours of the lights splayed across Jude's skin. Connor laughed.

"You almost look like you've got a skin disease or something."

"Hey!" Jude laughed, lightly swatting the pillow against his legs. "Well, so do you, baby, but I was nice enough to not point it out."

"Oh!" Connor grabbed the pillow from Jude and held it up against his torso instead.

Jude didn't fight him for it, instead reaching for the lone sprig of plastic mistletoe that he had left on the coffee table. Jude squeezed it between his fingers.

"Should I hang it over the bed?"

"I already kiss you in bed. I already kiss you everywhere," Connor said.

"I could hang it in the shower," Jude said.

Connor hid his face against the pillow, trying not to blush. He and Jude had been taking most of their showers together recently, leading Jude to grumble, each time, that they should get a new apartment just for the chance to have a bigger shower. Each time Connor laughed, defending the small apartment. It had been hard for him to move in here, why tempt fate by trying to move him again? Jude would shake his head and say he wasn't going to tempt it quite yet but, eventually, they'd get tired of sharing one large room.

"Why not hang it in Gerald?" Connor suggested.

"Well, then, how would you feel when I had someone else in Gerald?"

"How are you going to feel when Jake comes over this weekend?"

Jude glanced around at the mistletoe he'd put up. "I'll take it down like a good jealous boyfriend."

"You're not jealous."

"No." Jude turned, his head in Connor's lap. He snuggled into Connor. "No, I know you. It's not like you'd just suddenly leave me for someone else, if you ever left me."

"Not again," Connor murmured. "I don't know how I could be without you again."

"You're lucky I love you too, then," Jude mused, hugging Connor's legs.

"I know," Connor said, his fingers tangling in Jude's hair. "Believe me, I know."

Jude peeked his head up and Connor knew what he was asking for. He was happy to lean down and kiss his boyfriend, Jude reaching up to hook his hands around the back of Connor's neck. Connor had become used to Jude's loose and featherlight touch against his skin. Leigh's dream hands still haunted him and he could feel the difference. There was even a difference in the way that Jude touched him but that shouldn't have surprised him either. He kissed Jude again and again until Jude's hands slid to his cheeks and held his head in place so that he was leaning down and they were just looking at one another. There were a million things that Connor wanted to say – you're my favourite person, there's no one like you, you're incredible – but he couldn't bring himself to speak and break the silence. Jude's dark eyes were beautiful as he stared back at Connor and then a smile tugged at his lips.

"I love your eyes, baby."

Connor kissed his forehead.

"Do you want to go to bed?" he asked, trying to keep his hands from shaking as the words fell from his lips.

"I'm not that tired."

"I didn't say sleep," Connor whispered. "I said bed."

"Yes," Jude said. "Hey, want to grab an extra thing of tinsel? You can tie me up, it'll be festive."

"Don't push your luck," Connor mused.

"If I didn't, we probably wouldn't be dating," Jude said. "You never would have talked to me first."

Connor had to agree to that. He stroked Jude's cheeks and then bent down again, kissing him. Jude tugged at him and then twisted in his lap, sitting up and kissing him more passionately. Connor slid Jude's shirt off and Jude laughed at him as he folded it neatly over the back of the couch. Jude stood up and offered his hands. Connor let Jude pulled him up from the couch and they tumbled over to the bed. Jude snuggled down onto the bed.

"You know, that blue comforter would be so great right now. I –" Jude cut himself off as he looked up. "Ah! My other mistletoe!"

"Means you kiss me now."

"I'll kiss you anywhere."

Jude sat up and pressed his lips to Connor's, slowly pinning his boyfriend underneath him, straddling his legs. Connor ended up with his feet by the pillows, his head on the pile of blankets at the end of Jude's bed. He closed his eyes as Jude pulled his shirt over his head and then kissed softly at his skin, all the way down his chest. After months of this, Connor was still in awe that it was so right with Jude and that it could feel so good. It amazed him that he could be so comfortable with someone who could make his heart race along so crazily with just the tips of their fingers.

"God, you're hot," Jude said, pulling the zipper on Connor's jeans.

Connor's eyes popped open. He wasn't sure what to say to Jude when Jude complimented him like that. Even though Connor would be genuine when he said it, it felt cheap to immediately say something similar about Jude. Connor wrapped his fingers around Jude's wrist and tugged Jude to him, kissing him wildly, hoping that Jude could feel everything that he didn't know how to say. Jude smiled and Connor loved that expression on his face.

"You know, that comforter would probably be really comfortable to be naked on."

Connor laughed and started working Jude's jeans off his legs. "Let it go. I already have your present."

"Yeah but you won't tell me what it is!" Jude said.

"Three weeks until Christmas."

"Too long."

"Let me distract you," Connor offered.

"You did ask me to bed," Jude mused, and then he kissed Connor again.

(-.-)

"Other than the seafood thing, is there anything else that Moms need to know about feeding Adam and Rachel?" Jude asked.

Connor pulled the sugar out of the cupboard, watching the coffee maker drip the last bit of coffee into the pot. "No, don't think so. I'll text Dad later and double check."

"Okay."

Connor put two mugs down on the counter and glanced over at Jude, who was still sitting on the edge of the bed, swinging his legs as he texted his parents. Connor could have just watched him forever, trying to figure out how someone like Jude was real at all. He rested his elbows on the counter and just leant forward.

"If I suck up will you carry my coffee over to me?" Jude asked.

"If you suck up, I'll even pour it first."

Jude laughed and Connor pushed himself back up, but stopped cold as someone knocked on the door. He and Jude didn't get unexpected visitors, especially not at ten in the morning when they hadn't even had their coffee yet. Jude glanced over at Connor, who shrugged, and then Jude heaved himself off the bed and answered the door.

"Hi," Jude said, and Connor heard a man's voice from the other side of the door.

"Hi, I've got a package here for Connor Stevens. I just need a signature."

"I can sign," Jude said.

Connor exhaled, even though he listened to the remainder of the short conversation. It was just his gift from his father. He poured his and Jude's coffee and had the mugs waiting when Jude carried the large, wrapped box over to the counter and put it down.

"What do you think it is?" Jude asked.

"The box is bigger than expected."

"It's not that heavy," Jude said, but that wasn't a real clue.

Connor put Jude's mug in his hands and Connor took a sip of his own coffee before he shook the box gently. It rattled a little. He began to take the wrapping paper off, revealing the plain brown box. He grabbed a knife, cut open the tape, and then opened the box.

"Oh!" he exclaimed.

"What is it?"

"It's a slow cooker!" Connor said and he hurriedly pulled it out of the box. "I can bake and cook at the same time! Oh, Jude, for Christmas morning I can make cinnamon rolls in it for breakfast! It's going to be great!"

"I am going to get so fat," Jude mused.

"You can come to the gym with me," Connor offered, though without his usual focus. He had found the instruction manual.

"No, no, I'm going to enjoy being fat, I think," Jude said. "It'll be comfortable. I'll be warm. I can just roll down the hill from the car."

Connor laughed. "Oh, this is going to be great! There's going to be so many new recipes to try."

"Baby, there's something in it already."

"What?" Connor put the manual down. He took the glass lid off the top of the slow cooker and peered inside. He wasn't expecting another part to the gift – the slow cooker had been more than enough. When he saw the cutely painted face staring back at him, though, Connor's heart lifted. "It's Elf on the Shelf!"

"Elf on the Shelf," Jude repeated. "What do we do with it?"

Connor reached into the slow cooker and pulled the elf out, realizing that there was a note safety pinned to his back. Connor flipped him over, recognizing his father's handwriting.

Connor,

Remember him? Your mom loved him and named him Nick. I found him in the attic this year and I thought you'd like to have him. I hope he likes it with you and Jude.

Love,

Dad.

Connor remembered him. He and his mother would always play with him when he was younger and Connor remembered asking her, once, why the elf's name was Nick when Nick didn't seem like an elf name at all. And that was when Mom had explained the words St. Nicholas to him and said the elf was very proud to be named after Santa himself.

"He's my mom's elf," Connor said. "Dad found him."

"So, does he sit on a shelf?"

"It's a game," Connor explained. "Family members are supposed to move him around on each other so that it looks like he's moving by himself."

"Oh, cute!" Jude said. "I love it. Where should we sit him first?"

Connor glanced around the apartment. Most of their surfaces were so crowded, just because they had so little space. Still, he found a spot to put Nick. He carried him over to the windowsill and sat him on the edges of two cactus pots. The early morning sun just touched the tip of his hat. Connor backed into the kitchen, making sure that Nick didn't topple over when he wasn't going to be right there to catch him. Jude's arm wrapped around his waist and he stood there with him, picking up his coffee. He and Jude sipped their drinks together just watching the elf.

"What are you going to make in the slow cooker first?" Jude asked.

"No idea," Connor admitted. "Dessert! Since we have leftovers for dinner tonight. Oh! I should call Dad!"

He could hear Jude chuckling as he scrambled for his phone but he knew that Jude wasn't laughing at him and he was glad that he knew that now. Jude followed him across the floor, sitting next to him on the couch.

"How long do I have to wait to move the elf?" Jude whispered.

"Maybe he'll move by himself," Connor whispered back and Jude looked half-alarmed at the possibility. "Dad, hi!"

Connor let out another snicker as Jude kept staring across the apartment at Nick. It was definitely a good start to the Christmas season.

(-.-)

Relieved, Connor turned off Gerald and rested his head on the steering wheel. As much as he hated driving, he hated driving at night even more. It wasn't as though he had a choice about it. He had needed to pick up Jude's gift from Jake but he hadn't been able to show up until just after nine p.m. Connor got out of the car and collected Jude's bulky gift from the back, locking Gerald behind him. He wrestled the front door open, careful not to drop the gift, and walked into the warm apartment. In a change of pace, Jude was the one standing in the kitchen. Connor had left Jude in charge of making sure the Chinese food he'd spent most of the afternoon making didn't burn while he took the quick drive to Jake's.

"How's everything look?" Connor called.

"It looks great! Can we eat it now?"

Connor slid the gift under the tree, trying not to knock the gift bag that Jude had under the other side for him. He padded into the kitchen, hugging Jude from behind as he peeked at the food.

"I think it looks done," Jude said.

"I think so too," Connor agreed. "Do you want me to dish it up and you find a movie?"

"I've got the movie ready to go," Jude said. "It's a Grinch night."

"Don't want to jinx it," Connor said, finally letting go of Jude to go fetch plates. "You don't want to wake up tomorrow and find that your Christmas present was stolen."

"You mean my comforter."

"I don't think that looks like a comforter."

Jude stuck his head out the doorway and stared down at his gift. "It's big, though."

"So was Ampelos."

"Did you buy Ampelos a friend?"

"You'll find out tomorrow," Connor said, trying to sound casual.

"You're still no good at lying to me, baby," Jude teased, kissing his cheek.

"Maybe," Connor agreed, placing Jude's plate in his hands, "but you still don't know what you're getting for Christmas."

With a playful roll of his eyes, Jude padded out of the kitchen, going to make himself comfortable in front of the TV. Connor took a long moment, grabbing sauce out of the fridge for the egg rolls. He turned out the kitchen light so that their apartment was lit only by their tree. It felt like Christmas. As Connor sat down next to Jude, he grinned, both because Nick was now sitting on top of the television and also because there was a bottle of sparkling cider sitting on the coffee table.

"Should I grab glasses?"

"No," Jude said. "It's more fun when we share the bottle."

Connor was glad he said that. It was almost tradition now to never end up using glasses when Jude picked up a bottle of cider for the two of them.

"Merry Christmas, baby," Jude said, pulling the cork out of the cider.

"Merry Christmas, Jude."

Jude kissed him before pressing play on their movie and they settled down, shoulder to shoulder while they ate. Jude devoured half of what Connor made but it just made Connor grin, glad that he'd liked it. Admittedly, Connor had been worried about making it but he was glad that Jude liked it. That was the point. Jude carried Christmas cookies they'd made the day before back to the couch once they were down with dinner and snuggled in against Connor's side to finish the movie. Connor wrapped his arm around Jude's waist and kissed the back of the neck.

"I want to get a dog," Jude mused, watching the Grinch with Max.

"Right now?"

"No. When we have a big enough place."

We.

"Sounds domestic. And long-term."

"Like you're going anywhere," Jude scoffed. "How are you still so scared when we both know it's true?"

"I'm not scared of you anymore," Connor insisted. "And I know it's true, Jude. I'm more scared of not getting it than I am of anything else. And I don't like change. I worry if we do one little thing different, then it'll ruin everything and we won't get what we want."

"We won't get what we want if we keep everything the same, either."

"I didn't say I made any sense."

"I know you don't, baby. It's okay. I love you for it." Connor hugged him closer. "Just tell me you want me."

"To be happy with you is the only thing I want."

Jude hummed and stretched out along the couch, threading his fingers through Connor's.

"A big dog," Connor said.

"What?"

"We should wait until we have a yard," Connor said, his heart thudding wildly, "because I'd rather have a big dog."

Jude turned over in his arms and grinned wildly. He whispered and whispered "Face" before his fingers lightly skimmed over Connor's cheeks before sliding into his hair. Connor bent his head down toward Jude. Jude's arms wrapped around his torso, finally, just hugging him tightly. Jude said, "thank you for saying that."

"It's true."

"I know. You wouldn't say it if it wasn't."

"I …" Connor said, searching for his words. He wanted something true, something that would normally scare him to say, something that Jude would appreciate hearing. "I want a future with you. More Christmases. More birthdays. Just more of you."

"Good. I'm like a tick," Jude said, tightening all of his limbs around Connor's body. "You'll never get me off."

"You're too cute to be a tick."

"We should have Christmas every night if it puts you in such a good mood."

"I think it's just you doing this to me. Or maybe I'm just evolving."

"Healing," Jude said. "I think that's the word you were looking for."

"Maybe," Connor agreed. "Happy and healed with you. How's that sound, Jude?"

"Like we'll get there before you know it." Jude kissed him. "You know what?"

"What?"

"I think we should sleep with the tree on tonight so we can wake up to it on tomorrow."

"Jude, it's only eight."

"We're not going to bed now."

"What if it sets itself on fire?" Connor asked, trying to think more practically.

"We'll notice quickly," Jude said. "We will, I promise."

"Okay," Connor said. It was Christmas. Jude could have whatever he wanted.

"And we should watch Rudolph next."

"We'll watch Rudolph next."

Jude turned back over to face the TV and Connor fluffed the plaid blanket over them so that they could settle in.

"What time does your Dad get in?"

"Not until nearly noon. I guess Rachel prefers to fly late. We've got lots of time tomorrow."

"Good. We're going to stay up tonight."

"Why?" Connor asked. "Are you going to stay up and see if you can catch Santa?"

"Don't be silly," Jude said. "If Nick's going to move on his own, it's going to be on Christmas Eve and I want to catch it."

"I guess we'll see." Connor held Jude's hand tightly, moving it up Jude's chest so that he could feel his heartbeat against the back of his hand.

It was the most peaceful Christmas Eve that Connor could remember having in a very long time.

(-.-)

Connor woke early the next morning. True to his word, Jude had kept them up late last night, though Nick had remained peacefully perched on top of the television. Now, Jude was still in his deep sleep, facing Connor with his head nearly hidden under the blankets they'd fallen asleep under last night. Connor shifted carefully, making sure that Jude didn't stir in any way with his movements. He slipped out of bed and then tip-toed across the room, stealing Nick from the top of the TV and putting him on top of the coffee maker. He turned on the slow cooker so that the cinnamon rolls could start and, then, partially out of need and partially for a cover story, Connor then ducked into the bathroom.

When he was finished, he immediately crawled back into bed. It was only half past five in the morning. There was no reason for them to be up quite yet. He made it back to bed, squirming under the blankets. His head had just hit the pillow when Jude moved, rolling over so that his back was to Connor's front. Connor secured his arms around Jude.

"Did you dream of sugarplums?" Jude asked, his voice sounding slurred.

"What?"

"Sugarplums? From the poem, right?" Jude said. "Did you dream of sugarplums?"

"No. I dreamt of Nick and my mom moving around, except I was the size of an ant and he was massively big. It was a long dream."

"Oh." Jude pulled a pillow into his arms and hid his face into the green pillowcase. "I'm going back to sleep."

"Me too. It's early, Jude. We have a few more hours."

Jude closed his eyes and Connor pulled the blankets up around him so that he was just as snuggled in as before. He tucked his head down against Jude's shoulder blade, the warm blankets settling heavily over him. Jude fell back to sleep almost immediately but Connor wasn't quite there. He picked his head back up just enough to watch Jude's face as he dozed, losing himself in the lines of Jude's face and his own thoughts until his head hit the pillow once more.

(-.-)

Connor jerked awake, pulling his hand to his body and squinting around. There was Jude, using Ampelos's trunk to poke him awake.

"What time's it now?" Connor asked.

"Almost nine. It's a better time to wake up, isn't it?"

Connor nodded. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas." Jude bent down and kissed him. "Come on. Let's get up! I want to see what you got me!"

"Okay," Connor agreed, pushing himself up. "Should we put coffee on first? I need to check on the cinnamon buns."

"Okay. Then presents," Jude said, bouncing like a kid. He must have been excited, Connor realized, if he wasn't even focused on his morning coffee.

"Then presents," Connor agreed.

He and Jude got up, Jude went straight to the coffee maker.

"Hey, Nick moved!"

"What do you know?" Connor said, shrugging, but Jude threw his arms around Connor's neck.

"Thank you, baby. And we passed the mistletoe."

Connor kissed him softly but he was too concerned about his slow cooker to kiss him for long. Jude willingly let him go, turning on the coffee maker. Their cinnamon rolls were nearly perfectly cooked – perhaps a little too brown but it was Christmas and Connor told himself not to worry about it today. He lifted the rolls off the heat and turned of the slow cooker, turning to Jude, who was holding out a mug for coffee. It didn't escape Connor's notice that Jude was using the cactus mug that Connor had gotten for him last Christmas. Jude grabbed Nick from the coffee maker and relocated him to the tree. Jude sat down on the floor.

"I'm glad we left it on all night."

"Me too." Connor hadn't noticed, truthfully, but he was just glad that Jude was happy. He sat down next to his boyfriend and sipped at his coffee. "You go first. You're so excited."

"Why not be excited?" Jude asked. "It's Christmas."

"It is."

Jude carefully put his mug on the floor and then drew the present toward him. Connor watched him pat along it.

"It's squishy like a comforter but it's not shaped like a comforter."

Connor took a sip of his mug, letting it cover most of his face. Jude tore open the top of the present. The first of his packages fell from the top and Jude picked it up, unwrapping dark blue slippers.

"Cozy," Jude said, and he promptly pulled them on.

Connor knew his gift to Jude was slightly boring but he also knew that it was things that Jude would like – all things he had said he wanted, too. Jude was smiling as he reached for the second package, the next largest. He ripped it open, revealing a thick robe of the same colour as the slippers.

"I'm sensing a pattern here, baby."

"Maybe you are," Connor mused, glad that the robe fit around Jude's shoulders once he pulled it on properly.

Jude grabbed the last package which was, obviously, exactly what he wanted. Still, the happy look on Jude's face made Connor grin wildly. He yanked the paper off, letting it rip and crinkle to the floor.

"My comforter!" Jude said. "I knew you wouldn't let me down."

Jude started opening it.

"Don't you want me to wash it first, so it doesn't smell like the bag?" Connor asked.

"No, it's fine." Jude fluffed it out and then snuggled closer to Connor, draping the extremely large blanket around their shoulders, "There, perfect. Like you."

Connor pressed his lips to Jude's temple.

"Your turn."

His turn.

"Careful," Jude warned.

Connor reached for the bag and dragged it toward him. It was heavier than he thought it would be. He slowly skimmed his hand down inside and he felt a scratch on the back of his hand, a feeling that was definitely familiar to him. Jude had gotten him another cactus. He felt around for the bottom of the pot and then cupped it carefully as he pulled it out, pulling away the tissue paper that had lightly been draped over it. It was leafier than any of the cactuses that he currently had. Connor tilted the pot to the side, reading the name that Jude had neatly printed on the side.

"Doc," he read, and then he looked at Jude questioningly.

"I thought we should finally do the same dwarves. You know, Sneezy, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Doc. Whatever the rest of them are. I'll look it up. What do you think?"

"I love it but my cactuses don't do that."

Jude laughed and cuddled up to him. "Okay, there's a few more things in there."

The next thing Connor's hand found was a book. He pulled it out, realizing that it was a beautiful leather journal. He ran his hand over the front.

"Yours is almost finished, right?" Jude said. "Look, I even started you off with a quote."

"It's beautiful," Connor murmured, almost too in awe of how lovely the journal was to open it but his curiousity over Jude's words had him cracking the book open. Jude had inscribed the date on the inside cover of the book, followed by the words: The mind will not always remember exactly what happened but the heart will always remember the feeling – Brigette Nicole. I love you – Jude. "It's really beautiful."

"I thought the quote was cute, you know, since you're writing it down to remember it." Jude shrugged.

"It was the perfect thing to write," Connor assured him. "I love you too."

He went to kiss Jude, but Jude ducked his head away. "You have one more present."

Connor reached into the bag one more time, his fingers around something solid and heavy. He pulled out the last object.

"A pen?" Connor asked, even though he could tell from the feel of it that it was a very nice pen.

"A fountain pen," Jude said. "I thought you might like a fancy pen to go with your fancy new journal."

Connor kissed him then, grateful for the feel of Jude's mouth against his own. What had he ever done without Jude? Jude pulled the comforter up over their heads and they were safe inside the heated bubble. Jude's hands were under his shirt, resting up over his heart. Connor kissed him again, his hand resting on the back of Jude's neck so that they were close together, even when their lips parted. Jude rested his forehead against Connor's.

"I want to spend all of my Christmases like this," Jude confessed.

"It's not over yet. We're still going to see my dad and Rachel and spend time with your family."

"But it's so great already."

"We don't know what Rachel's like."

Jude's eyes were sugar-sweet. "It'll be great, baby, you'll see."

"I believe you."

Jude kissed him. "I'm going to make a blanket fort and find cartoons. Do you want to get breakfast?"

"And more coffee?" Connor guessed.

"And when it's done, we can take a shower."

Before any of that happened, though, Connor kissed Jude one more time.

(-.-)

Connor tried not to fidget and, for once, he resented the positioning of the windows in the apartment. He couldn't see the driveway from here but he knew, from how long-ago Adam said they were leaving the airport, that his father and his girlfriend had to be so close. He didn't like it.

"Connor, baby, come sit down. You're going to pace a hole in the floor."

"At least we're in a basement," Connor mumbled and then he flopped down on the couch next to Jude. "We don't even have that much space to sit."

"Well, we'll be going to Moms soon anyway," Jude said. "Then we can battle it out for seating."

Connor knew that he was just trying to make him smile but he couldn't do it. "What if she doesn't like me?" he whispered and he couldn't keep the genuine worry out of his voice.

"She's going to love you," Jude assured him. "Who wouldn't?"

"You aren't like other people," Connor said. "You understand me. You get me. You try, anyway, and you've got patience for me. What if she doesn't? What if she doesn't care or if she just dismisses me? I don't really know anything about her. And, worse, what if she doesn't like you?"

"Me?"

"I expect people not to like me," Connor said. "But not liking you? I can't imagine that. And what if she doesn't like us? Dad hasn't seemed like it but I have this secret fear that they bring out the worst in each other and she's going to be like … like the father I ran away from."

"I think if your dad had someone like that in his life, we would have noticed it before now. She's going to be great. I think she's probably good for your dad, like how we're good for each other. I think you should be optimistic. You haven't even met her yet. Why panic?"

"I enjoy panicking," Connor said flatly, glad when Jude wrapped his arm around Connor's shoulder and Connor pulled his legs up on the couch with him. "What do I do if she is great?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, she's not a parent but I wouldn't call her my friend, either. How do you treat your father's girlfriend?"

"Totally barking up the wrong tree," Jude said and he rubbed his hand along Connor's arm. "Treat her like a person. You're great and she'll be great and you two can figure it out together. Right now, focus on getting to know her at all. One step at a time."

Connor closed his eyes, counting Jude's breaths until he heard a knock on the door.

"You're okay," Jude whispered as he stood up. "You've got me."

Connor was sure of that. That was his solid ground and he knew he had it. Jude followed closely as Connor went to the door and opened it.

"Dad, hi!" Connor reached his hand out to shake his father's, knowing it was too formal and knowing that he still couldn't handle anything else. "How was the flight?"

"The flight was good," Adam answered. "Connor, this is Rachel."

Admittedly, she was not the woman that Connor had pictured. Though, when Connor pictured her, she was usually ten feet tall with a black hole for a face because he was that terrified of meeting her. Instead, Rachel was approximately five foot six, Chinese, heavyset, and incredibly pretty.

"Hi!" she said and her voice was high. "I've been really anxious to meet you."

"You too," Connor said, but he thought that the two of them meant anxious in a completely different way. "Why don't you come in? We have a few minutes before we should head over to Jude's parents."

He stood back and as soon as they had their shoes off, Connor remembered his manners. "Oh, and, um, this is Jude, my boyfriend."

Connor didn't take his eyes off Rachel's face as she leant forward to shake Jude's hand but she just seemed happy and pleasant. It seemed that Jude had been right. It seemed that he had been worried for absolutely no reason at all.

"I like how you've decorated."

"Thanks," Jude said. "I really like Christmas."

Connor hovered anxiously around his father. "What do you think?"

"I think it looks like a nice place." Adam looked around again and Connor tried to track where his eyes were going – the made bed, the two dressers, the plaid blanket that was rumpled at the end of the couch. "There's not a lot of room to yourself, though, is there?"

"No," Connor admitted. "I mean, we try. But, with classes and then with the amount Jude works, it's not like we're home together all day every day."

Adam looked over to Jude and Rachel. Jude was happily showing off his new Christmas blanket. "Why don't we go talk in the kitchen?"

Connor nodded. Jude looked comfortable enough chatting with Rachel and so Connor led Adam to the kitchen.

"I really liked the slow cooker, Dad. I've used it for a couple of chicken things but I made cinnamon rolls in it for Jude and I to have for breakfast this morning."

"I'm glad you liked it," Adam said. "I was struggling to think of what to get you but came up with nothing. Then, I thought of how you like to spend time in the kitchen and it was the one thing I knew that you didn't have."

"It was a good idea. And, thank you for Nick."

"I thought you would have more fun with him than I would."

"Jude and I have." Connor leant against the counter. "Um, can I … get you anything?"

He really didn't know how to host a guest at all, did he? He wondered how Jake dealt with his awkwardness so often but Jake was also just very comfortable in the spaces he was in. He had never been like Connor – afraid to search the cupboards or fetch his own glass of water. Adam was more like Connor, though Adam was just uncomfortable as opposed to afraid.

"No, thank you." Adam leant in a little closer to Connor and Connor tried not to fidget. "I just wanted to ask how this living together thing is working for you. Asking over the phone isn't exactly the same asking face to face. And, do you want to continue your room contract for the next term?

Connor nodded. "You know, it's better than I thought it would be. I thought the whole world would change but it's still just the world that I had. I was here so much anyway. I like it. I more than like it. It's like everything should be, being with him. I don't need my room anymore but thanks for offering."

"Well, I'm happy that you're happy," Adam said, "but know that you always have someone to call now."

"I know," Connor said, watching Jude smile, "but I won't need to call anyone. Not with Jude. He'd never … he'd never do that to me."

Connor watched his father's face as Adam turned to look at Jude. "Honestly, I don't think he would either."

Connor bit down on the inside of his cheeks, willing himself not to cry over the words. He managed a quiet, "Thanks, Dad."

"I really do just want you to be happy."

"I am. I really am."

Jude looked up at that moment and grinned at Connor. "Talking about me?"

"Only good things," Connor assured him and that just made Jude laugh. "We should go, though, we don't want to be late."

"Would you like to drive down with us or do you have your own car?" Rachel asked.

"We'll go down with you, if you'd like," Jude said. "Better to carpool, right?"

"Right," Adam said. "Well, let's get going. And, I don't think I said 'hello' properly, Jude."

Jude shrugged. "It's all right. Last time I saw you I was still drugged up in the hospital and I was probably the rude one then."

"I guess we'll both be considered forgiven."

Connor felt so relieved at their conversation, not even thinking to be jealous that he and Adam still had trouble achieving that easy back and forth. He was just glad that Adam could be so relaxed now. He and Jude quickly got their things together and took the walk up the hill.

"How long have you lived there?" Rachel asked.

"Oh, I've been there for a couple of years," Jude said, "but it wasn't until August that Connor was officially on the lease."

"I lived in a dorm room until then," Connor said, like he had faithfully spent all of his time in his room.

"It's a cute little place. You guys did a good job decorating."

"Thanks, it was mostly Jude's idea," Connor said.

They walked up to the SUV that Adam was renting and Jude opened the back door for Connor. He slid inside the cool exterior, making room for Jude. He gave into himself and took a seat in the middle so that he and Jude were sitting leg to leg. After they put their seatbelts on, Connor took Jude's hand. Jude squeezed him reassuringly. It was, Connor could admit, going better than expected. Once they started driving, Jude giving the occasional direction, Rachel turned around in the passenger seat.

"I was really happy to meet you both. I feel like I've been hearing about both of you since Adam and I started seeing each other."

"You talk about us, Dad?" Connor asked and he liked the thought of it but he almost couldn't picture it.

"Of course," Adam said, as if he should have been sure of it from the start. "I thought you knew that."

"Things are different when you really see them," Connor mused.

Rachel lit up. "That's wonderful."

"He's the smart one."

Connor couldn't take the praise and stared down at his knees, his heart jolting at the gentle movement of Jude's thumb against the back of his hand.

"How many people are going to your family's gathering, Jude?" Rachel asked.

"My mothers' names are Stef and Lena. My sister, Mariana. My two brothers, Jesus and Brandon. None of them have been dating anyone seriously enough to bring them home for Christmas dinner."

"And here you are, showing up with Connor's family." Rachel's dark eyes darted to Connor. "Not to imply that we're family or anything."

"It's all right."

"A little much for a first meeting," Rachel said.

"Maybe," Connor agreed, though he felt that he had known of her for so long that she had to count for something.

"Moms want a lot of people around this year so it works out for everyone," Jude commented.

"Oh, why?"

Connor didn't even have to glance at Jude to know how uncomfortable his boyfriend suddenly was. He leant forward a little, since the news seemed to be too big to deliver in a small car.

"His other sister died earlier this year." It seemed impossible that it had only been that year and that it hadn't even been a year yet.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Jude."

"Thank you."

"How about I put some music on?" Rachel suggested. "What do you like?"

"Pop music is great," Connor said, knowing that, at the very least, pop music was more likely to make Jude smile than anything else.

When Rachel turned back around to fiddle with the radio, Connor turned into Jude, his hand resting against Jude's leg. Jude was staring out the window but he half turned his head to meet Connor's eyes. He could see the sadness in Jude's eyes, even though he was trying to smile at him. Connor bent his head down to rest his head against Jude's shoulder and Jude's head touched the top of his. Music filled the car and he heard Rachel mention something to Adam about the interesting colour of the house they drove by. Secure in the moment for their bubble, Connor just made himself a safe place for Jude to lean.

(-.-)

Connor kept himself busy in Stef's and Lena's kitchen. He wouldn't say that he was deliberately avoiding anyone – people were always in and out and it wasn't secluded from the living room. Mariana spent most of her time in with him and Rachel seemed to be a constant there. Connor was glad to be able to speak to her about recipes and cooking, something she also liked. He was glad that there was something for them to bond over. He looked up as Mariana came back in, Stef behind her.

"Connor, can I borrow you for a second?" Mariana asked.

"I guess so."

He rinsed his hands quickly, leaving the kitchen to Rachel and Stef. Mariana led him upstairs, where she had collected her brothers in Jude's old room.

"I found the Santa hats from last year," Mariana said, and Connor dimly remembered Jude sending him photos of such a thing. "Um, but we have an extra hat so I thought Connor could take one. I think we should wear them again."

Connor looked to Jude. He didn't mind wearing a hat – he was honoured to be included in the family moment – but he couldn't invite himself in.

"I can take Callie's hat," Jude said. "Connor can have mine."

Mariana smiled. "What do you guys think?"

"I can wear a Santa hat on Christmas," Brandon agreed.

"My hair looks good today and –"

"You don't get a say," Mariana said to Jesus.

"You asked –"

"Didn't care," she replied.

Connor found himself with a light blue hat in his hands. He waited until everyone else was pulling their hats on before he settled his on his head, the fur tickling his ears more than his hair did. He watched Jude pull a long brown hair from the side of his hat and he took a long blink before dropping it down onto the floor, standing up.

"Come on," Jude said. "We're probably missed."

Connor stepped into the hall, letting Brandon, Mariana, and Jesus walk by him. He caught Jude's hand.

"You okay?"

"Harder than I thought it would be. Moms are almost too put together, which is bothering me, but I get why, especially with Adam and Rachel here. Mariana's trying too hard and Jesus never says anything serious. I've never been able to read Brandon. I …" Jude sighed and shook his head. "I miss her. Christmas dinner will be good but it won't be as good and I can't get that thought out of my head."

"I'm sorry," Connor murmured because he had no idea what else to say.

"It's okay, baby. I'm just happy you're around this year."

"Me too," Connor agreed.

Jude glanced at the stairs and then he just threw himself into Connor's arms. Connor hugged him tightly, paying no attention to the hum of voices coming from downstairs. He rubbed along Jude's back, kissing the top of his head. He was glad Jude wasn't crying but he wondered if Jude was just trying to hold that back. The pom-pom on Jude's hat brushed against Connor's hand.

"The yellow hat looks good on you."

That brought a smile to Jude's face, even though it was small as he leant away from Connor. "Thanks, baby."

He tilted his head to the side and Connor leant his head up to kiss him back. Jingle Bells exploded loudly from the downstairs as Jude's lips met his and Connor heard Lena's shout to Jesus to turn it back down. The commotion didn't bother Jude at all and his hands rested against Connor's hips, pulling him closer. Connor wrapped his arms around Jude's neck, pressing himself into the warmth of Jude's long body. He was so caught up in the feel of Jude that he didn't notice anyone else's presence until Jesus's voice reached them.

"Jude, Mom says food's ready – Oh. Share the mistletoe, why don't you?!"

Jude pulled away from Connor. "Why, are you going to make out with Brandon?"

"Don't be disgusting," Jesus scoffed and Connor heard his footsteps retreat back down the stairs and he looked up to Jude's face.

"I love your eyes," Jude murmured. Connor had already started to smile back at him when Jude added, "And the rest of you. All of you."

"I love you too," Connor murmured. "Come on, Jesus said the food's done."

But his feet didn't move and Jude's didn't either. Connor knew the way Jude was looking at him. Jude's arm caught around his waist again and Connor leant against his shoulder, just standing with him. Connor listened to Jude's heart thud under his ear, waiting for Jude to gather the strength to walk down the stairs. Connor wanted to fidget, especially the more that he thought about his father in Jude's house, but he would stand like a rock until Jude made the first move.

"Hair," Jude warned and then Connor felt his hands softly in the back of his hair. Connor closed his eyes.

"Jude!" Stef shouted. "Connor!"

"That's our cue," Jude murmured.

"You like spending time with your family, don't forget," Connor said. "And it's only for a few more hours. Then, Rachel and Dad are going to drive us home and then we'll be able to just be you and me, there. Under your new comforter."

"You sound like me," Jude said.

"I should hope so. You being you helped me through things no one else could have. You are the best man I know."

"Don't make me come up there!" Stef called.

"We're coming!" Jude shouted but he just kept looking at Connor. "Thank you."

"It's why there's two of us, right?"

"Right," Jude confirmed.

Jude held tightly onto Connor's hand as he led the way down the stairs and they wedged themselves into the crowded family table. Adam was on Connor's other side, while Jude was boxed in by Mariana. To Connor's surprise, Adam was in a spirited conversation with Jesus about Jesus's high school wrestling career. It made Connor feel slightly less bad about leaving his father alone now that he knew Adam had found someone to talk to. Rachel, to Connor's surprise, was a raging fan of the WWE, even laughingly brushing off Brandon's questions about it being fake.

"Who cares? It's still fun."

The table was nearly bowed with the amount of food it took to feed all of them and dinner commenced with a lot of brushing of elbows. Connor was glad that he hadn't been taken to Christmas dinner with Jude last year. He wouldn't have been able to handle the simple amount of touching that went into sharing a table the size of the one that Stef and Lena had. He mostly kept quiet during dinner, even though Rachel kept trying to engage him in conversation. He put in the effort, even though he could feel his ability to be social draining away quickly. Jude had to work through this week and so it was going to mostly fall to Connor to play host to Adam and his girlfriend. Connor knew that was what he was signing up for from the moment Adam suggested they come to him if Connor wasn't going to be able to come home and so he didn't feel quite so bad about focusing on his mashed potatoes. He had days to get to know Rachel and from the way that Rachel and Adam acted, Connor was going to guess that it wasn't going to be the last time that he was going to see Rachel either.

Most of his conversation was wrapped up in Rachel and Lena, though Mariana occasionally burst in. Between discussing the end of term and Jude's upcoming graduation, to which Jude would snort about every time it was mentioned, dinner was able to pass slip by without incident. Jude even seemed more relaxed by the time that the meal was coming to a close. Connor could definitely appreciate the feeling of family that was dominating the holidays. He had loved the feeling of closeness to his mother last Christmas but with everything else that had been going on, the hotel room that he and his father had shared had ended up feeling cold more often than not. There was warmth in the way that Jesus and Mariana bickered and the parents just kept smiling at one another because, well, kids, right?

Rachel helped him with the dishes, even though Stef and Lena insisted that she was the guest and they had plenty of their own kids who could still do house chores. She managed to shoot down their protests and so Connor ended up next to her, up to his elbows in soapy water while she took Jude's usual task of drying.

"You know," she said, "you're an adult."

Connor did, in fact, know that and so he just nodded with her words, thinking that she didn't need his sarcasm – something else he was sure he was getting from Jude.

"And, so, you probably don't need this speech in the same way you would if you were still a kid but I think I need to give it."

"Sure," Connor said, still not sure that he was following what she was saying. "I'm listening."

"I do love your dad. I don't know how much he's told you about us but it's a serious thing between us."

"He gave me that impression," Connor admitted.

"I know you lost your mom when you were a teenager."

Connor closed his eyes against the words, fighting back the flashbacks from that period.

"And, I know you went through some other hard things."

Mom's casket, his first kiss with Leigh while kids played on the baseball diamond, the first time he was hit.

"Especially with what happened with you and Jude over the summer."

Leigh bringing the trunk down on Jude's head, Leigh filling his mouth, blood pouring from Jude.

"I know you've had a lot go on in your life and I'm not trying to say I expect you to talk about those things with me. I'm saying that I understand it can be hard for you to get close to people."

Waking up without Leigh for the first time, the first time he saw Jude before even knowing his name, breaking up with Jude and destroying both of their hearts.

"And I want you to know that I'm trying. I want to know you. I want you to know me. I think we could be friends, don't you?"

"Yeah, maybe," Connor stuttered breathlessly. He pulled the plug from the bottom of the sink, making sure there was no grime or anything left in the bottom of the sink. "Um, excuse me."

He fled from the room. He watched Jude's head turn to watch him half-sprint to the front door, finding his father on the front porch, on the phone. He closed the front door behind him, holding onto the handle in case Jude tried to follow him out, and he bounced on the tips of his toes. Adam held up one finger.

"Yeah, okay, I'll take care of it as soon as I get back. Yeah, okay, thanks. Bye." Adam quickly hung up. "Is something wrong?"

"I need to go home," Connor confessed. "This has been too much for me. I need to go home."

He was grateful that Adam understood him enough now to not question him.

"Okay. I'll tell everyone that I'm too tired from the flight. It won't be your fault at all."

"Thanks, Dad."

"Is there something you need to talk about?"

Connor shook his head. "I'm … overwhelmed."

He didn't want Adam to think he didn't like Rachel. If he was someone else – or, even, if he'd been feeling better when she'd talked about the same thing – he would have been fine. It seemed the stars ended up aligned against him, though, and he was always stuck in situations like this.

"It's okay. Let's go back in. We'll be in and out."

"Thanks," Connor repeated, and he followed his father into the house, where Adam immediately found Rachel and none too subtly asked if she was as tired from the flight as he was.

"It has been a long day," Rachel agreed.

When Jude came up beside him, Connor couldn't help but shy to the side.

"You okay, baby?" Jude whispered.

"Can we talk at home? I need … need silence for m-my thoughts."

Jude nodded and even though Connor saw Jude's fingers twitch toward him, Jude didn't actually reach out. Connor was grateful as Adam cleared a path for them to leave. The only thing Connor felt guilty about was that he couldn't even bring himself to give Lena the hug that he usually did, but he could see on her face that she understood more than she was voicing. When they got into the car, Connor slid over the far side of the car, leaving the middle wide open. As they drove back, Jude once again giving directions while Rachel searched around for a radio station, Connor couldn't keep his eyes off Jude. Jude knew it, too, and every so often, he'd pull a silly face, trying to get Connor to smile. It didn't quite work but it came close a time or too.

Connor nearly breathed an audible sigh of relief as the SUV pulled in behind Gerald.

"I'll call you in the morning, okay, Connor?"

"Sure, Dad. It was nice meeting you today, Rachel."

"You too. Tell your parents thanks again for having us, Jude."

"I will," Jude said. "See you again soon."

They slid from the car and headed down the hill. Jude walked close but not so close that they would accidentally touch. Connor didn't say anything until they were safe inside and he knew that the door was locked.

"Rachel just said some things that brought too much back," Connor admitted, turning his back on Jude as he said it, feeling ashamed that it was so simple. Simple and yet there was so much in his head that he couldn't look beyond it.

"Things like what?"

"Leigh. You. The bad stuff. Mom dying. Stuff that I can't breathe when I think about and Rachel was just trying to be nice, I know she was, but I … Just the things she said just made me think of all of these bad things and I couldn't see anything but the bad again." Connor took a deep breath, sinking onto the couch. He bent his head, hiding it in his hands, just so that he wouldn't have to face Jude. "I didn't know what to say or do. There wasn't anything."

"Baby, it's okay," Jude murmured. "It's not going to last forever and it was a pretty good afternoon, wasn't it?"

Connor managed a nod and Jude sat down next to him.

"Rachel seems nice."

"Yeah." The fear that Connor had wasted on Rachel had certainly not been worth it. She was going to be fine. "You could have stayed with your family."

"Nah, it was good but Mariana was going to go see her boyfriend and Jesus definitely wanted to go home. It was going to be almost time to head out anyway."

Connor wasn't comforted.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jude asked. "What's on your mind?"

Connor frowned. "I was so scared of you, the first time I saw you, before I even knew your name."

"Yeah?"

"You sat next to me and I didn't want anyone to. And you talked to me … Asked me if anything had happened in class yet, I think, and I was so scared that someone had just spoken to me. And then, you had me stuck in the row, and I couldn't figure out how to tell you that I wanted to get by you so I just sat and waited for you to get up and when you were gone, I think I was hoping I wouldn't see you again and that you wouldn't sit next to me again."

Jude just laughed. "Oops."

"I think that's what I want on my mind, out of everything, it's the best thing. Better than thinking of you in a hospital bed or anything. It's … Christmas. It's supposed to be good, isn't it?"

"Nothing has to be anything. I think people want things to be so good on Christmas that it just makes the bad stuff come out more."

Connor snaked his hand across the couch, picking up Jude's arm and sliding himself underneath of it. Jude held him close, his hand tubbing across Connor's bicep.

"Thanks for taking us to your family's Christmas."

"You are my family too," Jude said. "You belonged there with us."

Connor put his head down on Jude's shoulder, pulling his legs closer to his body. Jude draped the plaid blanket across the two of them.

"From the moment I first saw you, I couldn't stop thinking about you," Jude said.

"I know," Connor murmured. "After the first time we had lunch and really talked, I started looking for you everywhere."

Jude kissed the top of his head and then Connor leant back so that he could see all of Jude's face, staring into his dark brown eyes. Jude smiled slightly and Connor raised his hand to just very gently touch his jaw. Jude tilted his head down, looking like he might kiss Connor soon but wasn't about to do it now.

"What are you thinking right now?" Jude asked.

He was thinking that Jude always talked about his eyes but there was definitely warmth and goodness in Jude's that made them even more spectacular. He was thinking that there was nothing better than the way that Jude talked to him, the way that Jude understood him, the way that Jude was just so himself and how wonderful Jude really was. "I'm thinking that I love you."

"I don't think you've ever said that first."

Connor didn't think about that fact. He was just staring at Jude's smile, feeling better as Jude lit up. Being home, alone with his boyfriend, was what he had needed after hearing people and voices all day. He wrapped his hands in the front of Jude's shirt and pulled him closer. Jude fell into him and their lips met. Jude kept Connor close to him as he laid down on the couch, Connor atop him. Connor went to kiss him again but Jude rasped, "Baby, wait."

Connor almost sat back up as Jude fidgeted, reaching underneath of him to pull out the free-floating mistletoe. Connor smiled and picked it out of Jude's hand, holding it high above their heads.

"You know what?" Jude asked.

"What?"

"This makes me really excited for New Years' Eve with you."

The more Connor thought about the things that he was going to get with Jude, the more excited he became for them. He wanted the little bits of life that were surely going to fall into place for them but he was still scared enough of the change coming for them that he wasn't able to look too far. He thought that might be okay, though. It made him stay in the day that he was having with Jude instead of the day he might have with Jude.

"You know what?" Connor asked.

"What?"

"I'm just excited for Christmas Day Eve with you."

Jude laughed and reached up, pulling the mistletoe down closer to their heads. "I want everything with you, Connor."

The raw honesty in his voice raised goosebumps along Connor's arms and he wished that he could respond in the same way Jude could but Connor just didn't have it in him. Instead, he only softly kissed Jude's lips, only to have that fall apart when he felt energy zip through him at the beginning of Jude's kiss. He heard the mistletoe hit the ground but wasn't really aware of the fact that he'd let go of it at all. He got his arms around Jude and fell into him completely, thinking of nothing but the heat of Jude's hands along his waist and the feel of Jude's hands against his waist and the way that he kissed.

"For the record," Jude whispered, "I love you too."

But Connor knew that, had known it from the moment that Jude said it, even when he hadn't been able to accept it. He bent his head and kissed Jude again, secure, somehow, in the knowledge that he would always be able to do it, even if that was something that he wasn't ready to accept completely yet. Jude's hands tangled in his hair as they paused for breath and Connor just stared down at his face, thankful for all the things that he had in his life now, even though he hadn't been sure that he would ever be able to have something like Jude, ever.

Even though he hadn't met Jude at Christmas, Connor couldn't help but think that Jude himself was a Christmas miracle and all Connor could do was keep kissing him. At the end of the day, all Connor could do was love him.

Happy holidays, everyone!

The chapter's title is after the song That's What I Want For Christmas by Nancy Williams. The playlist is now available on tumblr and youtube.

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~