it's a certain money lovers birthday. at least, in this fic it is.
I want to try to fit as many birthdays that I can in this.
I don't own Naruto or the Akatsuki. Enjoy.
/
"For Kakuzu's birthday, I should just let him kill Hidan," Chaos said, scrolling through her twitter feed boredly. Her and Brise had woken up early so they could make him breakfast and, hopefully, plan what to do for the rest of the day.
Brise snorted. "I don't think he needs your permission for that." Chaos pursed her lips.
"True."
"We could take him shopping," Brise suggested, opening the fridge and glaring at the contents, trying to mentally make a meal. She glanced back at Chaos and the smaller girl lifted an eyebrow.
"Why would you want to torture the poor guy on his birthday like that?" Brise laughed.
"Fine. We could take him to Walmart and let him rob ignorant people." Chaos thought this over.
"I actually really like that idea. We could take him to the mall and do the same there," she suggested. Brise furrowed her eyebrows at the thought.
"We've been hanging out with criminals too much," she concluded, pulling various things out of the fridge. "We're actually thinking about aiding someone in robbery for their birthday." Chaos smiled and slid off her bar stool, walking to the stove and pulling open the cupboards under it. She pulled out a pan and set in on the stove, turning it on high.
"Oh please. We've always been corrupt; they're just bringing it out of us." Brise smiled.
"True."
x x x
"Thanks for the food, hmm," Deidara said lazily, reaching for the plate Chaos had just set on the table. It was full of different kinds of breakfast foods, and her and Brise were pretty proud of how it had came out. Chaos smacked his hand away, glaring at him when he gave her a curious and annoyed look.
"Make your own food. This is Kakuzu's."
He gave her a confused look. "Why just him, un?"
Hidan pushed open the kitchen door, yawning loudly and scratching his bare chest. Brise scowled and covered Sasori's eyes-much to the puppets annoyance-muttering 'there are children in here'. "Probably because it's that fucking bastards birthday."
Chaos smiled. "I'm surprised you bothered to remember."
Sasori hummed, picking up the newspaper and swatting at Brise's hands. "I'm surprised he can remember."
Hidan sent Sasori the bird, scowling deeply. "Fuck you, over-sized toothpick."
Chaos blinked owlishly. "Was that a dick joke?"
"I don't think so, kiddo," Kisame said pushing open the kitchen door. Itachi followed behind him, stopping to hold the door for Pein, Konan, and the birthday boy.
Brise and Chaos threw their hands in the air, glitter falling from the latters. "Happy birthday, Kuzu-chan!"
The misers eye twitched, but muttered a thank you none the less. He sat at the kitchen island, taking the second copy of the newspaper (the girls learned quickly that the Akatsuki doesn't share well) and opening it, turning the pages as he ate.
Chaos hummed happily, turning towards the oven and pulling out a pan of biscuits. Brise took the sausage pattys she'd made out of the frying pan and set them on a plate, setting them next to the biscuits on the island. She then set the gravy next to it, followed by a stack of plates.
"Have at it," Chaos said to the other Akatsuki members, grabbing a plate and filling it with a biscuit, some sausage, and gravy, opening the top drawer and pulling out of fork. She used her hip to push open the kitchen door, walking into the living room. She crouched next to Tobi's air mattress, using her free hand to shake him awake. However, before she could touch him, his hand shot out and around her wrist, his grip tight, making her wince. His sharingan glared at her for a second before he realized who it was, dropping her wrist. She stood up slowly, watching as he followed her example. She quirked a brow at him.
"Note for the future; don't wake up Tobi," she said, only slightly sarcastically so she wouldn't piss him off too much. He stared down at her, making her more aware of their height difference. She watched as his visible eye narrowed, his next words leaving him with a hiss.
"You know, don't you?" He asked, voice low. She was a little surprised by the sudden difference but nodded.
"I've mentioned before that I know basically everything about you guys. Every time I set it up so you could eat sepperate from the others wasn't because I'm some insanely nice person," she said, hoping that her voice didn't go too much over a whisper.
He stared down at her and didn't speak, and she was annoyed with his mask because she couldn't fully see his facial expression. She liked to know if he was contemplating killing her or not, but the swirly mask was stopping her from that.
Remembering her original purpose, she lifted the plate to gain his attention. "I made breakfast. If you want, you can go eat in my room so no one walks in and sees your face." His eye traveled towards the kitchen door before landing on her again.
"If you know who I am, why haven't you blown my cover yet?"
Chaos lifted an eyebrow. "I really don't want to be the reason behind you getting pissed off, nor do I want to be the reason behind the rest of the Akatsuki getting pissed off. Brise and I decided to leave it be until you either go against us or tell them yourself," she told him. Slowly, he nodded in understanding, reaching out and grabbing the plate from her hands.
"Thank you." He turned away from her, walking up the stairs and towards her room. Once the door had shut, she let out a small breath, running her fingers through her hair.
"Well that was fucking nerve racking," she muttered, dropping her hand and walking back towards the kitchen. She pushed the dork open, walking over to Itachi and burying her face into his shoulder. He paused and glanced back at her, still holding a piece of bacon in his hand.
"Are you okay?" He asked, lifting an eyebrow in slight amusement when she rested her chin on his shoulder. She pouted at his hand holding the bacon, making eye contact with him before staring at the bacon again. Sighing, he lifted his hand and she happily took a bite, leaning back to pat his face as she chewed.
"Good boy."
x x x
Chaos huffed loudly, notifying the occupants of the living room of her boredom. For his birthday, Kakuzu asked that no one bothered him so he could finish a book he had started but never had the opportunity because of his house mates. Chaos gave him her room, telling him to have at it in the quiet atmosphere.
Chaos huffed again, sliding off the side of the couch and onto the floor, landing next to Deidara (who was, of course, sitting in front of Brise). When the bomber paid her no attention, she huffed again, only louder. His grip on the woodless charcoals that Bris head gotten him tightened, his teeth gritting together. When Chaos opened her mouth to repeat the sound, he snapped.
"What the hell is up with you, yeah?" He yelled, jabbing her in the stomach with the dull end of his charcoal. She swatted at his hand, sending him and dark glare and rubbing where he poked.
"I am so damn sorry that this house is boring as fuck and it's slowly killing," she said dramatically, flailing her hands for emphasis. "Who knew fucking criminals were so damn lazy?"
Brise poked Chaos with her foot, looking up from her phone. "We can always go watch Jurassic World," she said. Chaos grimaced.
"Bunch of idiots reviving dinosaurs, despite the fact that it didn't work the first time, and eventually getting killed by the dinosaurs. Yeah, no," Chaos said nose turning up. "Plus, can you imagine who awful it'd be with the Akatsuki in a movie theatre? We'd probably get kicked out."
Brise snorted. "Kakuzu would probably try to kill the employees working the food court."
"You know, we could do what we talked about earlier. You know, as a birthday present for him," Chaos suggested, rolling onto her stomach and pushing herself up. Brise thought about it, sighing.
"Fine. But only to people who deserve it."
Chaos grinned happily. "Get ready, my wonderful criminals~!" She walked towards the stairs, climbing up them before knocking on her bedroom door, opening it when Kakuzu gave her permission. He glanced up from his book, locking eyes with her. She smiled at him. "We're gonna go pick-pocket people in Walmart and you get to keep what you steal. Wanna come?"
He stared at her, slowly closing his book and setting it down on her desk, standing from her desk chair. Her smile brightened and she moved out of his way, walking towards the guest room. She repeated her earlier motion, opening the door when Konan told her.
"Want to watch your children rob unsuspecting people in a crowded shopping center?"
Pein lifted an eyebrow and Konan gave a small laugh. "No, not really," she answered. Chaos pouted.
"Okay. We might have to leave a few of the members at home though, so you have to babysit."
Pein sighed. "That is fine. Don't cause too much trouble, though. I do not need the Akatsuki being wanted criminals in your world as well." Chaos grinned at him.
"Aye aye, captain~," she said, giving a mock salute before closing the door. She walked down stairs to see most had gathered in the living room waiting for her.
She glanced over the group and pouted. "As much as I want to bring all of you, I don't want us to stand out too much, whether it be as a large crowd or a scary plant man," she said, eyeing Zetsu. He seemed unfazed by this, reminding Chaos why she loved him so. "Zetsu and Kisame," shark boy looked up at the mention of her name, grinning at her. "Unless you can change your appearance somehow, I'm gonna have to leave you guys at home. Kakuzu should be fine, but Tobi..." Chaos sighed, trying her best not to look at Kisame's defeated pout as he sat back onto the couch. "People tend to be wary of those wearing masks. We'll try to get you in, but there's a chance the employees won't be okay with you coming in. Do you still wanna come?" Said lollipop nodded his head happily.
"Tobi wants to help Chaos-chan!" She smiled slightly and nodded.
"Now that that's solved, load up!"
x x x
"Rules for this," Chaos said, staring at the group the formed a poorly made circle between Chaos's Tahoe and Brise's old Mustang. "We're gonna go in small groups so we don't look suspicious. Never stray too far from the leader I put in charge of your group, or I'll sick Pein on you when we get home. If you're gonna pick-pocket someone, cash only and be quick about it. There's cameras everywhere. This is probably the one chance you'll get to use your ninja speed and powers and shit, so have fun but don't be obvious about it. If you're gonna steal things, which I'd rather you not do, make them small and easy to hide on your person. If an employee or someone comes up and starts questioning you, do whatever it takes to get out of there. Try to hide your face from them as well. Once it's been an hour since you entered the store, head back out and wait in the Tahoe." Chaos was happy she bought a few of the members watches now. "Anything else, Brise?"
Said girl smiled slightly, running a hand through her short hair. "Yeah, don't kill anyone."
Sasori scoffed. "That's common sense, brat."
"Okay~ artists are with Brise, Hidan and Tobi are with me, and Kakuzu and Itachi are together. Brise and I are leaders of our groups. Kakuzu and Itachi can basically do whatever, just don't wander too far from each other, okay?" The occupants of the group nodded in agreement. "Kakuzu, if anyone asks, you're wearing your mask because you're sick. If they bother you about it after than, just glare at them till they learn to fuck off. You and Itachi can go ahead in," Chaos said, leaning against the drivers door of her Tahoe. She tossed Itachi her keys, having already taught hmm how to operate the lock and unlock button, and he caught them easily, stuffing the chain inside his pocket. The two nodded and left, entering the store. A few minutes later, Deidara spoke up.
"It doesn't look like anyone gave them trouble. At least, if they did, it wasn't anywhere near the doorway, hmm," he said, scooting to sit on the back of Brise's Mustang. She scowled slightly before shrugging and joining him.
"I've got to say, I was pretty surprised when you didn't chose the weasel to be in your group," Brise commented, laying down and resting her head against the back glass. Chaos sighed and shrugged in a 'what're you gonna do' manner.
"I have to keep Tobi with me in case someone comments on his mask, and it's Kakuzu's birthday, so I wasn't about to make him have to baby sit Hidan." The Jashinist rolled his eyes in annoyance at her.
"I'm actually really fucking good at robbing people, bitch. I can handle my damn self," he said, annoyance seeping through his words. Chaos blinked at him.
"Well, yeah, I know that," that took him off guard, "I'm talking about your temper. People in Arkansas don't always act like angels, and I'm not gonna make the birthday boy have to calm you down." She took her phone out of her pocket, checking out the time. "We're going to head inside. In about fifteen minutes, you guys can go." Chaos pushed off the side of her Tahoe, gesturing for her two idiots to follow her. "Come, children."
The three walked through the parking lot, pausing before the entrance so Chaos could grab Tobi's hand. He tilted his head at her and she smiled at him.
"Incase someone asks about your mask," she said as explanation, though it offered little to the masked man. The three walked through the doors, almost getting past the shopping carts before someone stopped them.
"Um, ma'am, we ask that your friend removes his mask before you head any farther," a man said. He was normal height and seemed about late thirties. Chaos looked up at him innocently, but sternly.
"I'm sorry sir, but my older brother has a mild paranoia. The mask was given to him by his doctor because it helps calm him. If it makes you feel any better, he stays with me at all times," she said lifting their hands as emphasis. The man seemed uncomfortable before he nodded slowly.
"Okay. Just be sure to keep him with you." Chaos smiled at him before walking away, tugging Tobi with her. Once they were far away from the man, Chaos started talking.
"You've got an hour, Hidan. Don't go more than twenty feet away from us and don't act stupid. If something happens, find a way to get back to us." Hidan voiced his agreement before wondering off, leaving Chaos and Tobi alone. She dropped his hand, wondering into the chip aisle. Feeling Tobi's stare, she turned back to look at him. "What?"
"You never intended to leave me alone, did you?" Chaos shrugged, crouching down the pick up a bag of Takis.
"No, not really. You were the one I worried about most." She could tell he lifted an eyebrow at that, making her laugh lightly. "Oh please. The whole Akatsuki is capable of it, but you're the one who could kill someone and probably never get caught, let alone have the body found and not have to worry about me or Pein getting onto you."
His voice sounded amused as he talked. "So you're saying that by keeping me with you, you're stopping me from killing someone?" She lifted an eyebrow at him before handing him the bag of Takis, starting on her next task, grabbing an Arizona tea.
"No, not exactly. Hell, you could kill me if you wanted, though you probably wouldn't because that would cause you to reveal your identity." His eye narrowed dangerously.
"Really? You seem very confident in knowing who I am. Care to shine some light for me?"
Chaos stepped onto one of the shelves, hoisting herself up. She knocked over on of the teas and caught it, stepping down from the shelf. She looked at .tobi, avoiding his eye. "The series is over; your identity has already been revealed. Saying it outloud, though. Would probably piss you off more than anything else." She walked past him, stopping a few feet in front of him. "I will tell you, I do know that you aren't Madara Uchiha." She saw his eye twitch, which made her sigh. "Listen, I already told you that I have no interest in alerting the Akatsuki unless you do or my hand is forced, so don't worry about it."
Tobi sighed softly before walking towards Chaos. She smiled and turned around, continuing onto the next aisle. "If you dint intend to reveal who I am, what do you intend to do?"
Chaos grinned. "I intend to make you hold all the junk food I'm going to buy."
x x x
Chaos grinned happily at the sight of Deidara's blonde hair. Her door was open and her feet kicked back and forth slowly as she called out, "So, how was it?"
Deidara grinned. "I got a little over four hundred dollars and Sasori snagged about six hundred." Chaos hummed in approval.
"Nice. Kakuzu and Itachi kicked everyone's asses, though. Combined, they got about two thousand five hundred dollars." Brise's eyes widened.
"Holy shit, that half what my mom makes in a month."
Chaos snickered. "Tell Crystal that if she ever wants to quit her job, we have two guys that can help her out." Brise rolled her eyes.
"Yes, because I'm totally going to tell my mother that I aided six criminals in robbing the unsuspecting people of Walmart."
Chaos grinned and dug through her Walmart back, pulling out a bag of candy and tossing it to Deidara. "That's your reward for being a dick to the people of Alma. I didn't get Sasori anything because I'm pretty sure he already shop lifted some shit." Sasori smirked.
"You know me so well."
"I try."
Kakuzu pushed off the side of the Tahoe, moving so he stood next to the girls. He ruffled their hair, making Chaos laugh.
"Thank you for celebrating my birthday, brats." Brise smiled at him, holding her arms out.
"Does that mean I can get a hug from the birthday boy?" Kakuzu's eye twitched.
"You're pushing it."
x x x
Chaos yawned, walking down the staircase the next morning. Most of the house had already risen, gathering in the living room to watch the morning news. She blinked tiredly. "What's up?"
Pein grabbed the remote, turning the volume up.
"Many people are outraged this morning after taking a trip to Alma Walmart last night, where over sixty people were pick pocketed, losing all cash that was found in their wallets or pockets. The police are investigating the crime, but at the time have no suspects. Collectively, it appears that around five thousand dollars were stolen." Deidara and Hidan high- fived. "We will work to keep you updated on this story as new evidence appears." Pein muted the TV, turning to glare at the occupants of the room who participated in last nights events.
"Well? What do you have to say for yourselves?"
Chaos blinked. "No ragrets."
/
I FUCKING LOVE SAYING NO RAGRETS
pushed this out bc I wanted to tell you guys how fucking HAPPY I am that I can now get married in my fucking state. Like, hell fucking yes.
/whispers/let's ignore the fact that the girl I like broke my heart the other day tho haha bUT
tis a good day. tis a good life.
-Chaos
p.s.-since I'm not doing a question this chapter, I just wanna know how your summer is doing. leave a comment/review/whatever the fuck you call it and tell me *insert smiley face emoji*
p.p.s- shameless self advertising, but check out my other story Rain in July c : it's OC x Itachi