I woke up in my bed. I didn't know what time it was, but my head killed. I didn't know why. I didn't even remember going to sleep. The last thing I remembered was getting offered to join the newspaper staff. I couldn't wait for Thursday. I was laying on my side, and I opened my eyes. I glanced at the alarm clock, and it told me I didn't have to get up quite yet. Realizing I had time, I turned over on my back. That was when I realized I wasn't alone. I was staring into the eyes of Fitz. He didn't have a shirt on.
"Hey." I said wrapping my arms around his neck. "What are you doing here?"
"You asked me to stay here, don't you remember?" Fitz asked confused.
"Yeah. Of course." I lied. "I'm sorry, I just can't think in the mornings."
"Me neither." He agreed. "I loved last night though." He pulled me closer to him, wrapping his arms around my waist.
"What are you talking about?" I asked nervously.
"You can't tell me you don't remember?" Fitz whispered in my ear.
"I would rather you say it." I murmured back. I didn't want to tell him I didn't remember.
"We had sex, last night." He replied seductively in my ear.
I shivered and cringed away from him. He took this differently, and pulled me closer, kissing me forcefully. I didn't believe him. I need to get up. I felt like I was going to throw up.
"I'll be right back okay?" I said pulling out of the kiss and his embrace.
I ran to the bathroom down the hall, and I puked my guts up. After I finished, I turned to the sink, and stared at myself in the mirror. I splashed some water on my face, then started brushing my teeth. I noticed I was only wearing Fitz's tee and underwear. I wish I could remember what happened. I noticed I couldn't move much, my back hurt a lot and my neck was stiff. I found that odd, but didn't question it. When I finally decided to walk back into Fitz, he was still lying in bed. With his hand propping his arm up and laying on his side.
"Are you okay?" He asked sincerely.
"Yeah." I replied, not meeting his gaze, sitting back on the bed. "I think I just need to start getting ready for school."
"We are going in late." Fitz stated, pulling me backwards, while kissing my neck.
"I can't. I need to get to English. My report revisions are due today. I can't turn them in any other time." I lied, pulling away from him.
"Fine. I'll be late than." He replied.
He stood up from the bed, slid his jeans on. Walking out of the door, without even asking for his shirt. I heard him slam the door, and I waited in silence, until I heard his car drive away. I stood up walking towards my closet. I picked an outfit that covered most of my skin, and slipped it on. Walking over to the mirror on my dresser, I checked my face for bruises. I saw a few and covered them up with make-up. I decided to use the bus again, and didn't really want to go with Fitz anyways.
When I arrived at school, I quickly went to English. I didn't really want to deal with Alli and Jenna's problems, about their boyfriends right now. Jenna would probably be sobbing over missing Jake, even though he comes back today. Their lives are so pedestrian. So trivial compared to mine. They didn't have to deal with all the issues I did. Apparently my life wasn't getting better either. I also knew that Alli and Jenna would question me about Fitz. They do every time we get together. They ask why Fitz and I were waiting and everything. I tried explaining the religious stuff to them. Alli understood. Jenna didn't.
I waited anxiously for Eli. He needed to review my paper before I could turn it in to the teacher. I was the first person in class. Eli soon followed after, and he sat down in his usual seat in front of me. Without saying a word, I stood up and sat on the desk in front of him, turned around so my feet were resting on the seat. Eli looked up at me and smirked.
"Look. Ms. Dawes told us to review each other's work. So can you read mine?" I asked urgently.
"Fine." He smirked. Grabbing an apple out of his bag he started biting into it, as he read.
"So what do you think?" I asked curiously.
"It's, umm—" Eli replied grasping for the words.
"Awkwardly constructed, full of hyperbole, and generally sloppy?" I offered. I was annoyed that I didn't get to check it after I fixed it yesterday.
"The title's centered." He replied smugly. Seeing my annoyed expression he continued. "If you don't like it. Don't hand it in."
"And what? Tell her the dog ate my homework?" I asked confused.
"Or you could take off." He suggested.
"You mean skip?" I asked confused.
"If you want to get official." Eli replied coyly. I sat there thinking. Should I go? Deciding what I should do, I stood up and walked to the door.
"Are you coming?" I asked.
I needed to get my mind off of things, and I couldn't turn in my paper. This was a good excuse, but I couldn't go alone. Eli looked as if he was truly thinking about it, before stuffing the apple in his mouth and following. We retreated from the class, and out the side door to the school before anyone came by. As we walked down the street, Eli kept eating his apple.
"Clare Edwards skipping school. You continue to surprise me." Eli praised, tossing his apple in a garbage can as we walked to the Dot.
"There are so many things you don't know about me." I teased.
"Oh." He agreed.
We walked into the Dot and ordered coffees. I haven't been in the Dot during daylight hours. I waited, looking around, while Eli paid for them.
"You didn't have to pay." I replied, taking the coffee that he handed me.
"And let you pay?" He scoffed. "Right."
He walked a little ahead of me, and held the door open. I smiled at him, and we stepped outside. We walked across the street, sitting down the bench. We started pulling our English work out of our backpacks. Sipping my coffee, I started reading his paper.
"Wow! This is a first. Skipping school to do work." Eli stated.
"Okay. I don't understand how you go an A and I got a C." I replied getting annoyed.
"Simple. I'm dating Ms. Dawes." Eli smirked at me. "You're a good writer, but anyone could have penned this piece. There's no point of view."
"I wrote about weapon control in Vienna. I say its good." I argued.
"Wow! Controversial." Eli smirked.
"Okay. Fine." I said putting my paper down, and crossing my arms over my chest. "What am I supposed to write about?"
"Something that pisses you off." Eli suggested with a smirk.
"Besides my English partner?" I teased.
"Ouch!" Eli chuckled. "If you could change anything about the ending. What would it be?"
"The feud with the parents ending before Romeo and Juliet's deaths." I responded.
"Why?" He asked seriously.
"Does it matter?" I questioned, looking down.
"One of the problems in your story is that you need to make it more personal. Hence, why?" Eli replied.
"I guess, it relates to my mom and dad. They are not exactly getting along." I said nervously.
"So incorporate that into your story. Talk about how it would affect their lives." He proposed.
"I can't it's personal." I stated.
"You care too much about what people think." He smirked shaking his head.
"That is not true." I argued.
"Then prove it." He pushed. "Scream at the top of your lungs."
Wanting to prove him wrong, I turned away from him, and towards the street. Flattening out the edge of my dress, I prepared to scream. I tried to scream but instead, all that came out was something a little louder than my regular voice. I looked around at the people passing by, hoping no one noticed me. I heard Eli chuckle, and turned back to him.
"That's the best you could do?" He taunted.
Now I was annoyed. When I didn't respond, he smirked and looked away. I huffed, standing up. I looked around the street one more time, before glancing back at Eli. He was baiting me, trying to provoke me to do this. I knew it too. I just wanted to prove him wrong though. I screamed. I didn't know I could scream this loud. I screamed for a little longer than needed. I wanted to vent my anger towards this morning, towards this past week. Proud, when I finished, I turned back to Eli. I crossed my arms over my chest, with a real smile on my face. Not one of the fake ones I have been plastering on my face for a while.
"Okay. Your turn." I demanded playfully. It was his turn to scream.
"Yeah." He said shaking his head. "Not my style." What? He had too. I did it. Now it's his turn!
"What? No. You have to do it. You have too. You have too." I ordered stepping towards him.
"Yeah. Not my style. I don't have to because it's not my style." He kept repeating.
He was backing up until he hit the street lamp. I continued towards him, pointing my finger at him while I repeated the same words over and over. He grabbed my wrists, when I was pressed up against him, so he could keep me from moving towards him more. I tried to struggle to force him to scream but stopped. Starring into his eyes, I realized the proximity between us. My heart started racing, while a rush of emotions flooded me.
I didn't think anyone could make me feel this way. It was weird. Even Fitz couldn't make me feel like this. I pulled away from him, smiling. Trying to avoid the awkward tension, I avoided his gaze, and sat down on the bench again. Glancing back up at him, I saw that he had his foot kicked up behind him on the street lamp, while his hands were in his pockets. He was staring back at me, with the same smirk, that is always on his face nowadays. I could feel an awkward, but natural, smile on my face.
"Clare?"
Ugh. Great. I knew this was too good to be true. I knew that this was his hang out, and that he wasn't going to school today. I just hoped he wouldn't stop by. I didn't even need to see Eli's smirk drop into a scowl, to know who it was. He adjusted his stance, so he was no longer leaning on the street lamp.
"Hi, Fitz." I said turning towards the voice, with a fake smile plastered on my face.
"Let's go." Fitz ordered.
Might as well get this fight over with now. I grabbed my backpack and coffee, tossing it in the trash. I smiled back at Eli momentarily, before turning back around. Fitz walked across the street and into the alleyway behind the Dot. The place where I caught him cheating on me. Even though he denied it. He walked all the way into the back of the alley. I followed him, keeping my distance.
"I thought you needed to go to English! For some report crap! Instead you are hanging out with Emo boy? How dare you?" Fitz demanded.
"How dare I? How dare you!" I crossed my arms over my chest defensively. "I couldn't finish my report because of you, Fitz! You're the one who chose to not show up to school! You're the one who left without a word! I'm done Fitz! I'm tired and I'm done!" I screamed.
"You're breaking up with me? I thought we discussed this yesterday! You're done when I say you're done!" Fitz growled.
"Wha—We never had this conversation!" I stammered completely confused. "Is this what happened after we left school yesterday?" I broke up with him? Or tried to yesterday? I can't believe I can't remember! "Why can't I remember Fitz? What did you do?" I was beyond angry! I was furious!
"I didn't do anything! What do you think I would do?" He growled again, stepping closer.
"Who knows! You are unpredictable Fitz! I can't trust you anymore!" I argued.
"I'm unpredictable? Are you fucking kidding me? You agreed to all of this last night! Everything! You're a fucking liar! I can't believe you! How could I ever trust you, if you lie about everything? Everyone knows you are a cheating slut! It's why you had to change schools! It's why you can't remember having sex last night! This was supposedly your first time! Unless you lied about that too!"
"I am not a slut! Don't you ever call me that! It's not my fault I don't remember! We need to break up! I need to be me! I need to socialize with other people! You don't seem to get that!" I screamed. My hands were fused into fists and my knuckles were pure white.
"Clare. I thought we went through this last night." He demanded. "I come first. Always."
"You do. School just decides my future. I need to focus on it." I stated. "You said that I could isolated from people as long as I was happy! But I'm not anymore! I realize now, I never was! It was just easier!"
"You don't need school. You don't need friends. You have me. We decided last night that you would be staying here after high school. With me." Fitz stated.
"I don't want that! " I stammered. "I never wanted that!" I still couldn't remember what had happened yesterday.
"You have decided then? Decided without me?" He argued.
"I can't stay here knowing that I don't have a future. I want to be a Journalist. Regardless of my feelings for you." I tossed in the last part, so I didn't have to say the truth about my feelings for him. That I hate him. That he is the worst thing to happen to me.
"No. Clare. This writing nonsense has got to end. I told you to keep your writing to yourself. This hobby of yours will get you nowhere in life." Fitz ordered, stepping closer to me. He was standing right in front of me now.
I threw my hands up in the air. "It's not just a hobby! It's my passion! I love it! I am good at it! That's why they offered me a part of the school newspaper! I'm good!"
"My girlfriend isn't going to be on any school newspaper! Do you know what people would think?" Fitz grabbed my arms pressing me against the wall of the Dot.
"It's a good thing, I am not your girlfriend anymore!" I spat back.
"So you're going to leave me? After all of this time? After us finally having sex last night? You are just going to walk away?" He questioned lowly, right into my face.
"Pretty easy too, when I don't remember any of it." I retorted.
"So you are going to just run off with the homicidal maniac? What if he goes after you? How would you defend yourself?" He questioned.
"I highly doubt he would! Whatever happened between him and his ex, is his business! He could've killed his girlfriend. He could be a murderer! I still feel safer with him, more than I do with you!" I stated coldly.
Fitz tried to throw me into the pile of crates next to me. Instead, I slapped him. He was shocked but I didn't stick around long enough to tell. I took off running down the alleyway, and down the street. I noticed Eli was gone. Probably back to school. I ran home instead. I ran faster than I ever ran before. When I made it home, I slammed the door behind me. I leaned against it, knowing that it was the only thing keeping me up. I panted and tried to control my mind and my breathing.
"Clare Diane Edwards! What are you doing home?" My mother demanded.
"I—I feel sick." I said between breaths. I have never been so happy to see my family in my whole life. "They—They sent me home. I think it's a stomach bug. I'm fine." I lied.
"Okay. Go to your room. Your father is coming by later for dinner. He is wants to talk to us. I don't know for heaven sakes why but your dad thinks it's a good idea." She stated.
"Glen is not my dad." I mutter while climbing the stairs.
Tears were streaming down my face, and I didn't know how to stop them. My heart felt like it was breaking into a million pieces. I lost everything because of this guy I thought I loved. I really thought that he was good for me. I now know that he isn't. I ran to the mirror in the bathroom, and started taking off all the makeup I have been wearing. All the bruises I have been hiding the past week were yellowing now. They would be gone in a couple days. I started removing the foundation on my neck, I didn't really like wearing all this makeup. It was just necessary when dating Fitz.
I took off all the makeup and noticed I had a bruise on my shoulder. I didn't even know I had one there. I found that strange. Deciding to take a shower, I undressed and stepped in. I realized while I was in there, that my back and neck were still sore. I still didn't understand why. Stepping out, I grabbed the towel hanging on the back of the door, and wrapped it around me. I had a better view in the mirror of the bruise on my shoulder and started examining it.
I realized then, that I had bruises all the way down my back, along with cuts and scrapes. The cuts and scrapes were nothing to major, and looked like I fell on something. I didn't remember this happening either. The bruises were what scared me the most. I didn't know what caused them and they were all deep purple. I dressed in sweats and a sweatshirt, before going to my laptop. I wanted to look up if there was anything that could help me remember yesterday. I didn't want to talk to Fitz, and I don't think anyone else could help me right now.
I opened my laptop, as I sat down at the desk. I searched everything I could think of and came up empty. School was over by now, and I knew that everyone would be asking where I was. My phone was still in my bag and I planned to keep it there. I couldn't think right now, and my head was killing me. I shut my laptop and sat back in the chair. My thoughts were racing a mile a minute. I knew I couldn't go back to school tomorrow, when Fitz was there.
I knew he would be waiting for me. He couldn't go after me at home any more so he would be targeting me at school. I was starting to feel all alone once again. I didn't really know what to do. I couldn't talk to anyone. I knew Alli and Jenna would be worried about me. I figured Eli would be trying to get a hold of me too. My heart was racing. My thoughts were muddled. My breathing became rapid. I stood up and walked shakily to my bed. I needed solid comfort. I needed isolation from the world. I didn't want to have to deal with anyone. I pulled the covers over my head and buried my face in my pillow. I heard Jake and Glen come home sometime afterwards. Neither of them questioned me in my room. My mom didn't bother me. Around six, however, I heard a knock on my door.
"Clare. Your father is here. You need to come down." My mom called.
She didn't open my door. A few moments later, I heard footsteps walk back down the stairs. I sat up, and rubbed my eyes. I knew I had a few minutes to get dressed and put on new makeup. I changed into clothes, that wouldn't look suspicious but covered a lot of my body. I didn't want to lather on the makeup if I didn't need too. I was touching up the makeup when my mom came back. I knew she was using me as a distraction to get away from my dad. Glen, Jake, and my dad always got along; to my mother's disliking. I waited long enough that my mother walked away, before I went downstairs. I surprised to see all of the guys sitting at the dinner table. This is the first home-cooked meal that my mom has made since she and Glen got married.
"Clare bear!" My dad called.
He didn't get up, but he did usher me into the dining room to join the conversation. I sat down in my usual seat, and tried focusing on the guys' conversation. I wasn't very interested in listening about construction and sports, so I tuned them out. My mom followed down a few moments later, I had thought she was in the kitchen.
"Clare. Nice of you to finally join us. I do believe that you should've told me you were in the bathroom and not in your room." She stated. "I was waiting outside your room for you."
"I wasn't in the bathroom. I was in my room." I stated looking at the plate in front of me.
She always played these games by saying it was my fault, and not hers that she took so long upstairs. I was just tired of playing along today. My mom stood up with a scowl and walked into the kitchen to retrieve the food. None of the guys even noticed her comment but it still made her look bad, in her eyes. This dinner should be fun. My mom came back into the dining room and started putting food on the table. I knew she needed help but she wouldn't ask. She wanted to be out of the room as much as possible.
When she finally came out of the kitchen with the last of the food, she sat down in her seat. She didn't make us say Grace anymore. Glen was an atheist, while Jake was a nonbeliever; and she never made them part of this. Although, she always made me pray before eating. I crossed my hands and bowed my head. I really, really wanted this dinner to be civilized, and I kind of wished it would be over soon. I doubted both would be in my favor. I stopped my prayer act and started getting food. My mother was still praying, but I really think she was just buying time to not speak to anyone.
"So, Helen. How have you been?" My dad asked when she was done praying. I could tell she wished he never spoke.
"I'm fine. Randall. Clare, how many times did your father check in on you?" My mom asked changing the subject, and turning to me.
"Well, I, uh—" I stuttered. I didn't want there to be more fighting because of me.
"Why don't you just ask me yourself, Helen?" He demanded.
"Oh, don't start with me Randall!" My mother sighed.
This fighting continued, and it didn't help the war on my emotions. I couldn't think. I needed an escape. Slamming my knife and fork, in my fists, down on the table; I stood up and walked away from the dining room.
"Clare! Where are you going?" My mother demanded.
"I'm done." I replied flatly.
I didn't look back. I didn't care. I needed to leave that room before I did something stupid. My whole life was going down the tubes and they couldn't even stop fighting for one stupid dinner. As I walked upstairs, I heard the bickering begin again. Glen was trying to calm down my mother but I knew it would be pointless. Glen didn't even seem to comprehend what he had gotten himself into when he married her.
I walked into my room, and sat down on my bed. Realizing what had happened in it, just last night, I walked away from it. I went into the corner of the room, furthest from my bed, and slid down the wall. I really didn't want to deal with anything. The pain in my heart was killing me. I couldn't even cry anymore. My breathing was rapid, and my heart was racing. I knew I couldn't face school, without having to explain, without having to see everyone's worried faces.
I knew Eli would ask questions. Questions I couldn't answer. I knew Jenna and Alli would be thrilled to see me, and Jake. I just didn't want their perkiness around. I knew that they would talk about the dance. The dance in two days. The dance I wouldn't be going too. No one understood. No one could help me out of the pit, I was inevitably falling into. No one could drive away the despair that was eating away at me.
This pain has been building within the past week. What I was feeling on Monday didn't even come close to what I was feeling today. I didn't like the fact that I couldn't be happy with Fitz. I didn't like that he couldn't stop hitting me. My memories were starting to come back. I remembered the fight. My anger. The breaking up. He pushed me back into the table, and it hurt so bad. The pain was so unbearable that I blacked out.
I knew I broke up with Fitz for a good reason, but he scared me. I didn't want him to go after me again. I didn't want him to touch me again. I was done. I've said that a lot in the past few days, but I realized now that I meant it more than ever now. I was done. I was done with Fitz. I was done with my family. I was done with school. I was done with my friends. I was done with me. I realized now that I only cause pain. I only cause destruction. I only cause heartache. No one cares anymore about me. All my true friends have moved on. They have forgotten about me. All my friends at Degrassi, haven't known me long enough.
I went into the bathroom and grabbed the straight razor that Glen uses. I knew that he preferred it to a shaver when he was trimming his beard. I have seen some people on TV and movies cut themselves. I knew how too. I just hoped that it would work for me. I knew it was wrong. I just wanted my life to calm down. I couldn't deal with all of this. I just didn't want to have to live with this pain. With this guilt, any longer. The only person that I think would understand what I am going through, would probably hate me if I did this. I wouldn't blame him. Eli might have killed his girlfriend. I never got around to asking him that, but I am pretty sure he would stay away from me, if I did this.
I walked back into my room, and rolled up my sleeves on my shirt. I dragged the razor across my skin, hard enough to make it bleed. Tears started flowing again, in my eyes. I smiled, knowing that I was finally able to cry, and did the same thing to my other arm. When I finished, my arms stung. The cuts were from my elbow to my wrist. I wasn't planning on making such a big cut but I decided that I wanted to see how much pain would go away.
I grabbed tissues from my desk and pressed them to my cuts. When the bleeding stopped I stuff some tissues in my pockets, rolled down my sleeves, and walked out of my room. I walked into the bathroom, and cleaned off my arms. I didn't want to die. I never wanted that. I am a very optimistic person, so I believed things would get better. I just didn't know how long I could have until I snapped that track of mind.
I rolled down my sleeves again, walked downstairs. Without even glancing at the dining room full of people, who were still arguing, I walked out of the house. I slammed the door behind me, hoping that would stop them. I walked down the street, towards the park, Darcy and I used to play at when we were little. I knew it wasn't too far, and I needed to get away from everything. I picked up speed as I walked, knowing that my parents could easily be following me. I darted off the sidewalk and onto the lawns of the houses. I really didn't want to bump into anyone, and I didn't want to be seen.
When I made it to the park, I walked into the far back, near the trees. There was a bench there, that Darcy and I called it ours. She told me that whenever I started to miss her being gone, that I could go there, and that everything would be okay. Darcy was right about a lot of things, but this was not one of them. I realized the only thing that would make this day better, would be having her here. Kenya was too far away and I couldn't just walk to her. I needed to talk to her. I needed to have her here to talk me through this. She once tried to kill herself by cutting, and I know she would help me through this.
I rolled up my sleeves, examining the cuts. The cool air was making them numb and sting at the same time. It was refreshing to know I could still feel. My tears had dried up, and I was starting to feel depressed that I didn't bring the razor with me. I was starting to feel the pain setting in, but the numbness to feel any emotion about it. I pressed my palms into the wounds and realized I would be able to cry that way. The pain was excruciating that I was sobbing because of it. The wounds were barely healed and I knew that they were going to bleed again from this. I planned ahead with the tissues in case of this. I was crying so much that I didn't even notice someone walking up to me, until I heard their voice.
"Clare?" Eli asked. "What are you doing out here, all alone, in the dark?" I looked up at him, and for once he didn't have a scowl or a smirk on his face. His face had a sincere concern look on it. He gave me a once over, before his gaze landed on my arms. "Clare. What happened?" He squatted in front of me taking my arms in his grasp. A street lamp a few yards away, gave the only light for him to see. But it was enough.
"I—I fell." I stammered, not meeting his gaze.
"Clare. Look at me." He asked softly.
"I'm fine. Really." I said. I was looking everywhere I could, but I couldn't look at him.
"Clare." He murmured. "It's okay. Just look at me."
When I looked at him, I saw the concern and all the emotions on his face. I knew his mask was down, and his smirk was nowhere to be found. I started crying. I knew that this would do this to him. I couldn't let him hurt because of me. He didn't know me. He should've stayed away from me in English. He shouldn't have become my friend. The pain inside of me was too unbearable, that I had to look away.
"I—I'm sorry. I—I just can't." I sobbed. "You're mad. I knew it. I knew you would be mad. You're the only person that I didn't want to be mad at me. You're the only person I can trust. I realize now that, I destroyed that too. Just like I destroy everything."
"Clare. You didn't destroy anything. You couldn't hurt a fly. I'm not mad. I'm just confused. What happened Clare? Help me understand." He pressed. I looked into his eyes, I saw that he really wasn't mad. I knew I had a lot of explaining to do. I just needed someone to talk too. Someone to trust. I knew that person was Eli.
"My life is unbearable right now." I said looking down at my arms. "I didn't do this to kill myself. I just couldn't handle my life. My parents are fighting. They can't stay in the same room without causing an argument. I just don't have anyone at home. They are always gone. I like being alone. Or at least I thought I did. No one understands what I am going through. I'm all alone, Eli. I have no one."
"What about Alli or Jenna?" He asked.
"I don't know them that well. They don't need to be burdened by my problems." I stated.
"What about Fitz?" He proposed. I knew it pained him to offer that. I could tell in his voice, he didn't want to even mention him.
"I—I broke up with him." I sighed. I decided I needed to tell him the truth about Fitz. At least, the main parts. "I—I broke up with him today. I'm scared Eli. I'm scared of Fitz. He hurts me Eli. He has left marks. Recently, I—I have started to fight back, but it's gotten worse. Yes—Yesterday, I tried breaking up with him, an—and he pushed me into my glass coffee table. I wasn't able to remember anything. The last thing I remembered was leaving school. I started to remember everything that happened yesterday, and I realized he—he forced me into—into having sex with him. He gave me a bunch of drugs, and medications for what happened with the coffee table, and I—I just couldn't fight him off."
I broke off in sobs. While I was cutting myself, I started remembering more and more of what happened yesterday. It's also part of the reason that I cut so much. I needed to remember. Eli released my arms, and sat on the bench beside me. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to him. I laid my head on his chest, crying into him, while he stroked my hair.
"It's okay. Don't worry. You're safe now." Eli murmured to me. I knew I was. As long as I was with him, I was safe.
"Eli—Eli. Today, after we—we skipped English, I broke up with him. He tried to hurt me, but I fought back and ran. I haven't seen or heard from him since. I'm scared to go to school tomorrow, Eli. I don't want him to find me." I stated, pulling back to look him in the eye.
"He won't. You're safe." He replied, pulling me back to him. He held me, letting me cry, for what seemed like forever. He remained quiet, and rubbed my back. I knew I was safe. I just wanted to feel that way again. After a while, he sounded like he was finally going to speak. "Let's get you home."
"No. I can't go home, Eli. I can't." I pleaded grabbing his shirt. I just couldn't go home. Fitz would find me there easily. My parents would yell at me about leaving. I just couldn't deal with any of it right now.
"Okay. Okay. Do you have somewhere to go?" He asked.
"Can't I just stay here?" I asked. Even though I knew the answer.
"I can't just leave you here. It's not safe here either." Eli stated. "Come on." He let go of me and stood up, offering me his hand.
"Where are we going?" I asked curiously.
"My house. It's safer than here." He replied.
"Are your parents going to be okay with that?"
"Yeah. They're cool and I don't have a better idea if you won't go home."
I took his hand, and stood up. I rolled down my sleeves, and stuffed my hands into my pockets; following after him. We walked silently to down the sidewalk. No one really knowing what to say. I remained quiet because I was nervous. I still wasn't sure about happened with his ex. I didn't have anywhere to go, so I agreed to with him but I knew that this was definitely going to be a long, and awkward, night. He got to his house, and without a word he walked up the front steps. I followed close behind, and he held the front door open for me. Two people were sitting in the living watching TV. I assumed to be his parents. They were startled to see me. I would be too.
"Hey, Baby boy. Who's this?" The woman asked.
"Mom. This is Clare." He replied hesitantly. "Clare these are my parents."
"Hi." I mumbled nervously.
I figured that his parents would be home. I just hoped that I didn't have to meet them. The woman stood up and walked towards us. She held out her hand to me, and I shook it shakily.
"Call me Cece, and this is Bullfrog." Eli's mother replied.
"Mom." Eli warned behind me.
"Oh, hush, baby boy. I'm just being polite." Cece replied. She kept staring at me oddly.
"Clare. Let's just go upstairs." Eli suggested behind me.
He turned and let me walk in front of him, up the stairs. Walking into his room, I felt out of place. It was all dark and covered in band posters and skulls. I recognized a few of the bands but considering, I wear brighter colors I felt odd there.
"You can sleep on my bed. I'll sleep on the floor." He said with a smirk. "Unless you want to go back downstairs, and sleep on the couch."
I smiled. "Are your parents always like that?" I asked sitting down on his bed.
"You've met them. So pretty much." Eli smirked, leaning back on the desk.
I was glad he was back to smirking. It was a better look for him. I glanced over on the desk, and saw a picture of a girl on it. I looked down at my hands quickly but he caught my gaze.
"Who's that?" I asked nervously.
Eli hesitated. "Julia. My ex." I knew by the look that crossed his face that I shouldn't have brought it up. I especially knew not to push further but I was curious. I just didn't really know how to proceed. "She died last year."
"I'm so sorry. How did it happen?" I knew pretty well what happened but I wanted to hear it from him.
"Last year. We had a fight. It got messy. I said things I shouldn't have. She was really upset. Took off on her bike in the night. Got hit by a car."
"I'm so sorry." I said. Did Fitz lie to me? I can't believe it. Eli couldn't lie that well! The pain in his eyes was real!
"Are you okay?" He asked. He was still leaning against the desk, but he had his hands in his pockets now.
"Yeah. It's just not the story I heard is all." I frowned.
"What have you heard?" Eli asked crossing his arms over his chest.
"Well, um, Fitz told me you—hit her with your car." I stumbled over the words.
"Oh." Eli scowled and sighed. "Well. I suppose crazier things have happened between us."
"Why exactly are you two fighting?" I asked, changing the subject. Hopefully he would take the bait. I wanted to lighten his mood again.
"He has been bullying Adam for some time. He tried to bully me, but I wouldn't let him. He needs to be taught a lesson." Eli said. "But for now. You need to sleep."
"Okay." I sighed. I didn't want to go to sleep. I was afraid, that if I went to sleep Fitz would find me. I also didn't want to wake up and realize that this time with Eli was a dream.
"You're safe Clare. You can sleep." He said, as he walked towards the bed.
He grabbed a pillow off of his bed and took the blanket on the edge of the bed. Then he started to fashion a makeshift bed on the ground. I sat there watching him make the bed, before I started to adjust the blankets on the bed, to crawl in. I snuggled into the sheets, and it smelled like Eli. This somehow comforted me. Before he crawled into his bed, he walked over and turned off the lights. Where his windows were positioned, they gave no light from the outside. The room was pitch black, and the only sounds were of Eli, climbing into his bed. The room went silent, the only sounds were of our breaths, and I ended up dozing off easily.