Doubts

"Did you… put me to bed last night?" AJ asked, waking up the next morning in bed, which she couldn't recall going to, watching as Punk walked around the room in his boxers, getting ready for work.

"Yeah." Punk nodded, "I also called… uh… Liz, I assumed that's who your boss is… I told her you wouldn't be in today. You're taking a day off." He said.

"She's not my boss." AJ assured him, "And you didn't have to do that. I can go to work." She nodded, even though the only thing on her mind right now was staying under the covers and closing her eyes. She felt tired, down and weak.

"I think maybe you should just take a day off. Lie in bed, eat some cake and watch some movies." He nodded, "Have a bath. I remember that used to help you before." He said. He wondered if the things that used to help her before when they dated were still the same, or if they had changed as she grew older.

"Yeah, they still do." AJ smiled to him, "I wish you could stay here with me." She sighed a little, sitting up against the headboard. Sometimes it did frustrate her when she would go into a depressive cycle, but she'd learned to not throw a pity party and feel sorry for herself. She knew what made her feel better, and she knew that she could power through and that she'd be feeling ok in a few days.

"I wish I could stay too but I gotta go to work." Punk said, "I'll go to the store on my way home, get some things to cook dinner." He said as she nodded and smiled.

"I might go see my therapist today." She nodded, "Once I get myself up." She said as he nodded.

She'd always had a therapist, since she was diagnosed many years ago. Sometimes she didn't see her as often as she'd liked, and she found it very helpful when she was in her depressive cycles to go visit her.

"Is it still the same therapist?" Punk asked her whilst putting his clothes on.

"Nicole? Yeah." AJ nodded, "I don't see her as much as I would like." She admitted, "I don't know, maybe just… everything with the baby, as happy as I am about it, I'm still terrified, and maybe that's just caught me off guard a little." She said as Punk nodded.

"Yeah, well you do what's best for you right now." Punk nodded, "In a couple days you'll feel back to your normal self." He said as AJ smiled and nodded. It helped a lot when her significant other knew just as much as about her illness as she did. With Ben, he always acknowledged it was part of who she was, but she always got the impression he tried to avoid it or any conversation about it, "Do you want anything? Breakfast?" He asked her.

"No, I'm ok." AJ nodded, "Thank you. You're too good." She said as he smiled.

"Just for you." He said, leaning over and pressing a kiss on her lips softly, "I'll see you later, ok?" He said.

"Ok." AJ nodded, "Have a good day." She told him as he cupped her cheek and kissed her head.

"You too." He said, leaving the room and heading off to work whilst she slid back under the covers, feeling pretty heavy and dull.

"Hey, Doug. Is my brother here?" Dean asked as he walked into the car garage which Punk walked in, having decided to take a trip on his own lunch break.

"He's in the office, just took his lunch break. Go on in." Doug nodded.

"Thanks, man." Dean nodded, patting him on the back as he walked by the cars and machinery and into the office in the back where he saw Punk swirling around on one of the chairs whilst looking up at the small box TV where the cubs game was playing, "Busy at work, huh?" Dean said as Punk turned around.

"Don't be a smart ass. This is my lunch break." Punk said, "What are you doing here?" He asked.

"Feel like I haven't saw you in years." Dean admitted.

"You saw me a few days ago." Punk laughed a little. For both of them, it was hard getting used to not seeing each other as much.

"Still feels like years." Dean said, "I won't be long. I just wanted to ask you something. Some brotherly advice if you will." He nodded.

"Go on." Punk said.

"Have you ever caught AJ in a lie?" Dean asked him as Punk looked across at him.

"How big a lie are we talking?" Punk asked.

"Big enough." Dean said, "Big enough to cause a fight, I guess."

"Uh… no, I guess I haven't." Punk said, "She's honest with me, I'm honest with her. We've always been like that. Small lies, sure. Happens from time to time. As long as it's not hurting anyone." Punk nodded, "Why are you asking?" He asked.

"No reason." Dean brushed it off as Punk looked over at him. He knew his brother better than he knew himself sometimes.

"Anna lying to you?" Punk suspected as Dean looked across at him, "Kid, I've been around you since I was one. I'm practically inside your head." He nodded as Dean smiled, "What is she lying about?" He asked curiously.

"She doesn't know that I know." Dean said, "She told me she worked in a hair salon. Even told me which one." He said, "One day… few weeks ago, I went to the salon to pick her up, but no one working there was named Anna. And now I'm starting to realise how… secretive and defensive she gets when I bring up her job. Everytime I hint about picking her up she tells me not to, gives me an excuse…" He said, "And I don't wanna be the guy to sit her down and call her out, make her feel bad for lying to me when… maybe there's a fair reason why she lied." Dean nodded.

"Fair or not. She shouldn't be lying to you. Especially about something like her job." Punk said, "Maybe she's got a shit job and… she doesn't want you to know." He shrugged, "Maybe she's a hooker." He teased as Dean looked at him.

"Are you kidding me right now?" Dean said, "Don't put that shit in my head."

"I'm kidding." Punk stood up, "Look, maybe there's a valid reason why she's not telling you. But she can't lie to you about something that big. You shouldn't wait for her to tell you. She might never. So… if I were you, I'd call her out. Don't tiptoe around her. She's not a little girl." Punk shook his head.

"Maybe AJ could talk to her." Dean shrugged.

"Why would AJ talk to her?" Punk shook his head.

"Well, maybe… she'd feel more comfortable. AJ could just say that she wanted to go for lunch with her and that's when she realised she didn't work in the salon." Dean nodded, "Then AJ could tell me what it's all about so I know the right way to go around it."

"No, c'mon man. Don't involve AJ." Punk shook his head, "She's got enough on her plate right now." He said.

"With what?" Dean asked as Punk looked across at him.

"Just… work." Punk said, "She's not feeling good right now. She had to take the day off today." He said as Dean nodded. He too understood AJ's illness, "This is between you and Anna. Just… sit her down and ask her what the deal is. It doesn't have to turn into a fight." Punk said as Dean sighed.

"Yeah, ok." Dean nodded, "Ok, I need to get back to work." He sighed.

"Ok." Punk nodded, "Stay good and just talk to her about it. You're entitled to ask her about it." He said as Dean nodded.

"I'll catch you later." Dean said, leaving the office as Punk nodded.

"We're not telling people yet." AJ shook her head, sitting in her therapists office whom she had been going to since she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and had been seeking treatment. After staying in bed for the longest time, she finally found the strength to get out and get herself ready. Once she'd gotten out of the house and arrived at therapy, she did feel a little better.

"That's so exciting." Nicole smiled, "A new baby. A first baby." She grinned, a middle-aged woman, perhaps in her 40s.

"Exciting." AJ nodded, "And also terrifying." AJ nodded to herself, sitting on the couch across, "I am… I'm so happy about it. I feel like it's good timing. We just moved into the house, we've got good jobs, we know what we want…" AJ said, "But there's this… dread in the back of my mind… what if I'm not cut out to be a mom?" She looked across at Nicole, "I mean, my own mom was hardly an aspiring mother to look up to." She shook her head, "What if I'm just as bad as her… what if I'm worse?" AJ shook her head. It was thoughts that had been playing on her mind after she'd let the excitement and joy settle down.

"April, all new mothers have that dreaded thought of… what if, and in your case with the experience you had with your own mother, it might be even worse… but… it's normal you feel like that." Nicole said, "No one finds out they're having a baby and thinks they're gonna be the best parent in the world. No one is." She assured her, "The main thing is that you're stable, financially, and although you don't feel it, you're mentally stable too. You've been on such a good path for the longest time." She nodded, "And I know the love you have for your boyfriend. I feel like I've been on your shoulder this entire time. When you would come see me throughout your marriage so you could find a way to talk about him, I saw how much you missed him. How much you… weren't ready to part ways." She nodded.

"It was that obvious, huh?" AJ sighed with a smile as Nicole nodded.

"I'm not saying you were unhappy, but… there was something missing in you and I can see you've got it back." Nicole nodded, "You're gonna have all different worries about your baby, and then when the baby is actually here, you'll have more worries about it, and I hate to tell you but it carries over until they're adults themselves." She smiled, "It's just… what being a parent is, and you've already got those motherly instincts of what your baby is gonna think of you and… how much you want to be a good mother, and how much you… don't want to be like your own mother." She nodded.

"I just… I just want to give my baby a life I never had. A mom I never had. A dad too." She nodded to herself.

"And you will." Nicole smiled, "It's a scary thing for most of us. Having a baby. There's no one to tell you what's right and wrong, but… you learn as you go, and you have someone you love right beside you which will help, I'm sure." She smiled as AJ nodded, "Did he take the news well?"

"Yeah." AJ nodded, "I can see he's nervous. But… I think to prevent me from being nervous he's trying to pretend that he's not." She laughed a little, "I still worry about him. Sometimes he'll still have a nightmare or two. Or I'll wake up and find him sitting downstairs because he couldn't sleep, and I know why." AJ nodded.

"He's been through a lot. You both have." Nicole nodded, "This is something good for both of you to focus on. You're both going to be nervous. Of course. But the good thing is, you can also be really excited by it all."

"And we are." AJ nodded, "We've been together since I was seventeen. I couldn't have a better person by my side, and I'm sure… him sitting on death row, it's made us realise how precious life is, how we have to live it with zero regrets." She nodded, "But I'm just scared I'm gonna let him down… and I'm not gonna be a good mom."

"These are just early thoughts. As time goes by, you're gonna have a bond with your baby, and you're not gonna feel as scared to meet it and be a mom." She nodded, "It's all a learning process, for you and your boyfriend." Nicole said, "it's about taking one step at a time, and it's important you focus on your health. Healthy and happy mom makes a healthy and happy baby."

"You sound like my OB." AJ laughed a little as Nicole smiled.

"You're gonna have bad days, April. You know that by now." She said, "But you've got something really great to look forward too, and like you said, the timing is perfect. Maybe you would have wanted to wait to be married or…. Whatever, but no one is ever ready for kids. No one is ever prepared." She assured her as AJ nodded.

"I just wanna be the best I can be." AJ nodded, "For Phil and the baby." She said as Nicole nodded.

"And you will be. I don't have any doubt about it." She nodded as AJ smiled to herself. Therapy helped her a lot. Not only was there a lot of reassurance she got out of it, but it made her feel less alone in her feelings. Although she always talked to Phil about her feelings and what was on her mind, it was also helpful for her to talk to someone else, and she already felt like that heavy weight was slowly but surely trying to lift from her shoulders.

A/N: Let me know what you think!