Much later that night
Yet another safe-house, yet another strange bed, and yet another sleepless night. She sighs, wondering desperately when they're finally going to find out who are the bastards behind this. It had been so frustrating to find that the call authorising the hit on Gary – and her, and Zaf, and poor Steve, who's in hospital now, recovering from surgery because of these bastards – had come from the Defence Intelligence Staff Ops Centre and then to not be able to get any further, to hit yet another brick wall. It's been like that throughout this operation, discovering something only to be brought up short seconds later by another unknown factor, another missing link. Luckily Zaf had winged one of their assailants, so hopefully they'll be a DNA match in the morning, but if this is a black op, which seems very likely at the moment, she's not hopeful that they'll get one. The CCTV footage of the cloak room at Thames House has already proved useless as the man they suspect planted the tracker knew exactly where the cameras were hidden and managed to avoid getting his face captured on any of them.
Of course, this is really no different to numerous other operations they've conducted, but it's so much harder to cope with it somehow, now that she's personally involved and it's affecting her life. She misses her home and her cat, and she misses Harry, desperately misses him. His kindness to her earlier and her recent brush with death have shaken her and made her seriously reconsider her decision to end it. Yet she knows that giving their relationship another chance is not a decision to be made lightly and it requires some serious thought and true commitment from both of them, and that's something that she's in no position to do now while she's in hiding and her life is under threat.
She sighs as she swings her legs out of bed, sliding her feet into her slippers and her dressing gown onto her shoulders. She's going to have to take another sleeping pill tonight despite her resolution not to. She's a little worried she might get dependent on them; she's used them almost every night this week.
Quietly, so as not to disturb anyone, she makes her way across the landing and down the stairs, feeling her way along the darkened hall towards the kitchen to get some water. She usually keeps a glass by her bed, but she'd forgotten to get one earlier tonight, understandable after the events of the last few hours. As she approaches the kitchen door, however, she hears voices within, so she pauses, listening hard to identify who's there.
"And Wes?" Adam's saying.
"Sound asleep," Fiona replies. "You know how good your mother is with him. I've been trying to convince her to stay a few more days, but I think I'm failing." Of course! She remembers now; Fiona was going to take Adam's place tonight so he can get some much needed rest.
"She'll be wanting to get back to 'Darling' Livvy," she hears Adam sigh, wondering who Livvy is before she remembers Adam has a younger sister called Olivia. "You know what she's like and Livvy will milk it for all it's worth. She always has, spoilt little brat that she is." His voice betrays a certain amount of exasperation and affection for his sibling, as well as a tinge of jealousy. Olivia's the baby of the family and the only girl, she remembers, and was probably adored by all and spoilt rotten as a result, she concludes from his tone.
"I'm just grateful she wasn't like that with me when I was pregnant," Fiona laughs warmly. "Still, it's a shame we've missed all these lovely chances for a date night while she's been here." She feels a pang of guilt for ruining Adam and Fiona's plans for this evening and, it seems, every other one this week, wishing this whole situation would resolve itself soon so that everyone can go back to their lives and families, including her. She'll offer to babysit for them one night, she decides quickly, to make up for the inconvenience she's caused them.
"It can't be helped," Adam replies. "They'll be other opportunities for us."
"How about now?" Fiona purrs then, making Ruth blush and begin to turn away from the door, torn between running upstairs as fast as she can and moving slowly so as not to make a sound.
"Not here," Adam objects, flooding her with relief. "Anyone could walk in."
"Makes it all the more thrilling, don't you think?" she hears Fiona murmur and then laugh softly.
"It's not funny, Fi," Adam replies, sounding a little cross. Clearly he's not in the mood to be teased. "Anyway, I'd best go home and get some shut eye. I'm knackered... Keep an eye on Ruth, won't you?" The sound of her name has Ruth pausing and then slowly creeping back to the kitchen door so she can hear more. "I promised Harry we would."
"Of course," Fiona murmurs. "Poor Ruth. It all seems to be happening to her at the moment. How's Harry coping do you think?"
"I don't know," she hears Adam reply. "I've never seen him react like that before. When the call came through from Zaf, I was in his office, and the moment he realised something had happened at the safe-house, he turned as white as a sheet. I thought he was about to pass out... I really think he's in love with her." Poor Harry, she thinks, imagining his reaction as Adam describes it and finding her heart begin to beat faster at his last words. Could it be true? Could Harry really be in love with her?
"Of course he's in love with her," Fiona states flatly, sounding a little exasperated. "Why else would he be dating a junior officer?"
"Well," Adam begins, but Fiona won't let him finish that thought.
"You don't believe that, Adam," she objects. "Harry's not like that and neither is Ruth. They both have too much respect for each other. And if you and Zaf hadn't been so childish about the whole thing, they might have had a real chance at it. Now you've spooked her, poor girl, and she's lost the one thing she's had to smile about lately." She feels a stab of pain in her heart as she realises the truth of Fiona's last words. Harry was the only thing she's had to smile about in a very long time.
"I was happy for them," Adam protests. "We've all been happy for them."
"Yes, but you failed to see how delicate the situation was, Adam," Fiona replies, sounding cross. "Women always have to bear the brunt of the gossip in cases such as this. Harry just gets an approving pat on the back for his sexual prowess, not to mention every other man's envy, while poor Ruth gets branded a slut who'll sleep with anyone to advance her career. Then she'll have to deal with years of sexual harassment by every warm-blooded male in a higher position in the service because they'll all think she's up for it." She feels herself blush as she listens to Fiona's blunt description of some of her worst fears, but at the same time, she's relieved to hear her put a voice to one of the things that's been troubling her so much lately, feeling grateful beyond words to hear her confirm that she's not being utterly unreasonable or unduly paranoid to be worrying about it.
"That's-" Adam attempts to interrupt, but fails.
"Oh, I know you and a handful of others don't think like that," she clarifies quickly, "but that's the reality of it for a lot of women, Adam, and that's what Ruth's scared of. It's no wonder she's ended it."
"She has? How do you know?" Adam asks, and he sounds surprised.
"Because they're both miserable," Fiona explains, and she can't help admiring her in that moment as she realises again how good a spy she is. "Haven't you seen their long faces?"
She hears Adam sigh and then murmur, "I don't understand it. You didn't care what people thought when we started seeing each other. What does it matter what people like that think? They're a bunch of knobheads whose opinion's worth fuck all. And in any case, Harry would never allow anyone to harm or mistreat Ruth, and he has enough on most of these wankers to make them think twice before pissing him off." She hadn't thought about that, she realises. Would Harry know how to shut people up?
"Everyone's different," Fiona replies with what sounds like a shrug. "He's much older than her and she probably feels a little out of her depth with him being so much higher up in the service. She's really quite shy and she's suddenly going to be noticed by a whole lot of very powerful people. I mean, imagine her having to be his plus one at all those official functions he attends, rubbing shoulders with the Home Secretary or the PM, not to mention that slime ball Mace." God! She hadn't even thought of that!
"You'd enjoy it," Adam smiles.
"I would," Fiona laughs, "but not everyone can be as perfect as me. You don't know how lucky you are, Adam Carter."
"Oh, I assure you, I do," he murmurs huskily and she's sure he's leaning in to kiss her. She begins to pull away from the door, feeling suddenly embarrassed to be eaves dropping on their conversation, but she's not got very far before she hears Adam say, "So what can we do to help them get themselves sorted?" She pauses listening hard.
"Nothing," Fiona sighs. "Just hope that they do work things out and then act normally around them when they do." She hears someone yawn loudly then and thinks it must be Adam, and sure enough, Fiona's next words confirm it. "Oh, am I boring you?"
"No," he replies, "Sorry. I'm just bloody exhausted," and realising that Adam will likely be leaving soon and will probably bump straight into her if she stays here, she walks quietly back upstairs, her mind full of all she's heard, her heart beating fast. Could Fiona be right? Is Harry really in love with her? She casts her mind back over all the times they've spent together, all their conversation, all their kisses and cuddles, all their love making and realises that he really must be. She'd thought, hoped he was at the time, and when she remembers how nervous he'd seemed on occasion, when she'd thought he might say the words, she can't help but think that she's seriously and quite wilfully misjudged him.
She's been so frightened of being hurt that she hasn't been able to truly trust him and see him for who he really is, to see how much he cares for her. Poor Harry. He'd been so cautious and gentle with her, probably fearing she'd pull away, and even after she'd told him that she was sure she wanted to be with him, had convinced him to let their relationship become physical again, and they'd become so intimate, she'd broken his heart. No wonder he'd pulled away after that. He probably doesn't believe that she's capable of commitment, and perhaps, he even doubts her love. After all, what she'd done had been cruel, ending it like that over something that must seem so trivial to someone like him, someone who's confident in himself and couldn't care less what anyone thinks of him, and without even allowing him any say in the matter. He probably believes that she's just been using him, she realises with a pang of deep pain and regret.
She tosses and turns all night, thinking things over, realising how wrong she's been and that she really does have some issues around men and commitment that she needs to sort out. Perhaps she'll talk to Peter about it, she finally decides, and then she can talk to Harry, apologise to him, explain as best she can, and ask for another chance because now, suddenly, she's sure that she needs him and she wants him; she wants him to be hers, whatever the risks, whatever the cost, whatever the consequences, whatever it takes, because she knows now that she'll never love another man like she loves Harry Pearce. And after she reaches this conclusion and she has a plan of action, she feels calmer than she has done in ages and is able to finally fall asleep.