The adrenaline has finally worn off.
Callen, Sam and Jack tend the injured Kensi, while Deeks remains still above the dead body of his brother. He shivers, feeling the weight of the situation descend on him
He had killed his own brother. Sure, he was a terrorist and a cold blooded murderer who wouldn't hesitate to put a bullet in Kensi's head, but he remained his brother.
He swallows hard and passes his trembling hands through his hair. He can't lose it right now. Kensi still needs him.
He hears the horn of their Humvee and for the first time he manages to take his eyes off of Max. Reilly's men found it hidden somewhere within the small village but there is no sign any more Afghans.
Max was alone after all.
He watches Jack carefully carry the unconscious Kensi into the car and desperately wants to run to her. He should be the one holding her. He should be the one whispering reassuring words to her. But somehow, he can't even move. He watches everyone move in fast forward, yet his whole body feels unresponsive and numb.
He dives deeper and deeper into his trance until Callen's hand brought him back to reality.
"Are you ok?" he asked obviously worried.
Deeks opened his mouth, but no words seemed to come out. He was just able to nod.
"We gotta go, Kensi needs to get the hospital," Callen practically forces Deeks to follow him into the car but Deeks stops halfway and turns his attention back to Max.
"What about him? Shouldn't we get him too? We can't just leave him here."
Callen shrugs his shoulder not knowing how to respond even though he surely expected this demand from Deeks.
"Fine," Callen closes his eyes in approval. "Reilly can take him in their Humvee. You should be the one with Kensi right now. She needs you."
"I know, I know," Deeks whispers and runs over to Kensi.
They have lain her down on the back seat and she is still unconscious. With each passing minute the bruises on her face seem somehow even more vivid than before. Her wrists are still bleeding soaking the bandages Deeks had used to tend them. Her skin is ice cold. Deek's jacket and the blanket they covered her with don't seem to have any effect on her shivering body.
The ride to the hospital is filled with awkward silence. Both Callen and Sam feel the need to address the elephant in the room, but they know better than that. Right now Deeks needs space and time. He needs to process what just went down and deal with it the best way he only knows.
Hopefully Kensi will remain by his side, and they will heal their traumas together. Both physically and emotionally.
Once they arrive at the hospital Kensi is hurried into the emergency room and Max's dead body is wheeled to the morgue.
Deeks heart is torn. Should he remain with Kensi, or should he say his final goodbye to his brother. The doctors are working on her, performing all the necessary tests, so he might have some time. He owes it to himself.
He is sitting in the waiting area along with Callen and Sam. Jack headed back to the base to report to Granger.
He is sitting in absolute silence, rubbing his finger with his thumb. The finger he used to pull the trigger against his own brother. He needs to know why. Why did he brother choose to go down this road? Why did he force him out of his life. Why weren't they ever close? He has all these questions haunting his mind but he knows he will never find the answers now. It's too late.
Suddenly, he gets up. "I' m going….."
He doesn't need to finish his sentence. Callen and Sam can only assume where he wants to be and just nod.
By now they know Deeks all too well.
Self blame is what he is good at. He is torn between his mind and his heart but they wish once Kensi is awake, all his doubts and regrets will be gone.
He patiently waits for the elevator when he feels Sam's hand on his shoulder.
"Are you sure you want to do this alone?" he asks worried.
"Yes," Deeks sighs.
He takes three deep breaths to keep his composure but it is not enough. He lets out a silent angry cry and punches the wall until he knuckles bleed.
Sam uses all of his force to restrain him from hurting himself even more.
"Calm down man, this isn't you!"
"What the hell did I do Sam?" he asks with tears in his eyes.
"You saved your partner from a terrorist. That's what you did," Sam tries to calm him down but it is vain.
"No," Deeks shakes he head. "I just killed my own brother and I didn't even think twice."
"What would you rather do? Let him kill Kens? You've seen what he did to her. He was a sadistic son of a bitch."
"Well that son of a bitch happened to be my brother as well," Deeks whispers sadly.
"This is scaring me Sam. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I am beginning to understand this whole frozen lake reference now."
"How do you know about Sayoc" Sam looks at him surprised.
"Kensi once told me. And she was right. This….thing…..it's destroying us. She was willing to die rather than give me up, and I killed my own flesh and blood in order to protect her. This isn't a healthy relationship Sam. It's destroying us."
Sam places his hands on Deeks shoulders again.
"This, my friend, is pure love."
"This is stupid. This job is insane. I am a cop Sam. I am trained to take down killers, burglars, drug dealers…..I am not trained for the freaking war zone. When I accepted this position, no one warned be about re-assignments and Afghanistan, and Callen's open vendetta, and torture, and putting our lives at risk on a daily basis. I was not prepared for that and I maybe am still not."
"Listen Deeks, I understand that you are in shock and unable to think straight at the moment, but you need to be patient. You felt the same way right after the Sidorov case, but somehow you managed to pick up your broken pieces and came back stronger than ever."
"I feel like I lost a part of me back then. And I feel the same way right now too. I am slowly losing myself."
Just don't make any decision you might regret later."
"Don't worry," Deeks smiled sadly "I can't make any decision right now even if I wanted to. "
"You made the right call man. If you hadn't taken that shot you would be visiting Kensi in the morgue right now. Is that what you want?"Sam makes this final statement before walking away.
Deeks sucks in a breath as Sam's words hit their mark.
Of course that is not what he wants. If he had to do it again he would make the same choice, and that's what scares him.
He walks into the morgue and the coroner grants him a few minutes alone with his brother.
Max's lifeless body lays on the table half covered with a sheet. Deeks pulls the chair and sits right next to him.
"I am sorry," he whispers "but you gave me no choice."
His mind battles his heart.
Deep down inside he knows he made the right call but he feels compelled to apologize anyway.
Then again, he could have shot him in the leg, or his hand…..or anywhere….
He tries to recall their childhood, trying to pinpoint the exact moment when Max lost himself, but memories of them as loving bothers are slim to none.
Why does it hurt so much? Max was never a part of his life. You can't miss someone you never had, but still it hurts. No! Now that he thinks about it, it's not pain. It's anger. He is angry at Max for forcing him to make this lethal decision.
His brother was always a troubled kid but he never imagined he was capable of going this far.
Turning into a terrorist?
Betraying his country?
Killing soldier that once fought side by side with him?
Torturing Kensi?
Kensi! Images of her hanging from that ceiling whirl in his mind.
He shot her, beat her and left her to die.
This man is not his brother and he doesn't deserve Deeks guilt. This man is a monster.
Suddenly everything is clear. If this had been any other man he would have killed him the moment he laid eyes on him.
Kensi is his whole world and just thinking he could have lost her because of Max, drives him up the wall.
He tries to control his anger but soon his brain explores new dark territories. Did he do more than physically hurt her? Did he ra….Oh, he can't even dare to say the word.
No. He was a sadistic bastard. If he had done something so cruel he would surely brag about it.
He buries his head in his hands clenching his fists in an attempt to control his wrath. He wants to hit someone. He wants to hurt someone. Last time he felt this way was when Hetty informed him of Kensi's reassignment.
Is it possible that Hetty knew?
Is this why she specifically asked for Kensi?
But why?
Why didn't she inform him? He was the one that ought to know. It still doesn't make any sense.
God, he hates Hetty right now. She has always been a mother figure to him but this time she's crossed every single line. She has some serious explaining to do once they get back home.
And on top of everything, there is Jack.
Should he be threatened by him? How will Kensi react to his unexpected presence? He knows she needs closure on that matter, but not under such circumstances. They are notexactly ideal!
Why does it always have to be so difficult for him and Kensi? They are always on different pages. Always somewhere else. And after this mission, he is pretty sure things can't go back to the way it used to. They can't pick up where they left.
He's been there. He's experienced tortured and he understands how broken she must be feeling.
After his own torture he hoped she would never have to endure such kind of physical pain and emotional breakdown. He had told her face to face. Oh, the irony.
Sidorov held him captive for a few hours. Kensi was held prisoner for more than two days.
He can't even dare to think what she went through. He bets she didn't give Max the satisfaction of showing any sign of pain and pulled out the fearless mask flawlessly. But what crossed her mind as she waited for death's peaceful salvation.
He gets up shoving violently the wheel chair backwards and looks at Max for one last time.
"I am sorry you didn't want to be saved."
He lets out a deep breath and exits the room. His steps are steady, his heart beat is back to normal, his mind is finally clear.
This man is not his brother. He never was.
Callen and Sam are his brothers.
He was an outsider but they accepted him in their little family – even if it required some time. They trust him, support him and followed him half way across the world to save not only his partner, but his girl.
Blood doesn't make a family. The heart does.
And his heart belongs to NCIS.
He walks back to the waiting room where Callen and Sam are still waiting drinking coffee.
He looks over at Sam and winks his eye as a proof that he's pulled himself together– well, sort of – and they have nothing to worry about.
A cup of hot coffee is already waiting for him on the table, but before he has time to take a sip a doctor comes in.
"Are you here for agent Blye?"
"Yes, " Deeks respond as Callen and Sam stand up as well. "How is she?" he asked
"Your agent has been through a lot. She's got fractured ribs as well as wrists. The hand cuffs have cut deep into her skin. Dehydration has caused a kidney infection which we are fighting with strong antibiotics. Her most serious injury is the skull fracture. CT has showed she sustained more than one blows on the head but it is not life threatening. We have her on morphine for the pain and we sedated so that she can get some rest."
Deeks sighs relieved. "Can I see her?"
"As I've said she is highly won't even know you are there but I'll have a nurse escort you to her room."
Deeks gives the doctor a smile of appreciation and follows the brunette nurse to the 3rd floor. Any other day he would probably make a move on her, but those days are long gone.
There is only one woman in his life and he no longer feels the need to impress any sexy nurses. All he wants to do is touch her skin, smell her scent, hold her in his embrace and feel her body close to him. Four months is way too long to be away from the person you love. And yes, he loves her. He is no longer afraid to show it or shout it for the whole world to hear.
He nearly lost her, so he is determined to make every second of the rest of their lives count.
He walks into her room and even though a part of him hopes she is awake he knows she will be sleeping.
And there she is, laying on the white sheets of the bed fully surrendered to Orpheus.
He approaches the bed and leans forward to kiss her forehead. "Hey Fern," he whispers.
He doesn't expect her to respond but he waits for a few seconds anyway for her to open her eyes.
They have cleaned her up from all the blood but these last few days are written all over her face and body.
The color of her skin is as white as death. Her face is bruised and swollen. Her lips are cut. The wound above her eye is stitched. Both wrists are bandaged and carefully resting on each side of the bed.
He can't help but wonder if there are any more scars hiding under the hospital gown. He desperately wants to touch her, but he is afraid he might hurt her. She looks like a porcelain doll on the verge of breaking.
He pulls the only available chair in the room close to the bed and crushes on it. Thankfully it is comfortable, but he feels so tired and exhausted right now that he doesn't even care.
Frankly, he could use a hot bath but he will have to wait. He knows he probably stinks – and the stench will most likely wake Kensi up – but he can't bring himself to get up.
All his body functions were put on hold during these last past days and now they once again up and working. He tries to remember when was the last time he ate a proper meal and soon his stomach answers back with a growl.
"A long time," he thinks smiling.
Callen seems to have read his mind cause he soon comes walking through the door bearing gifts. A huge sandwich in his hands and a carton of juice.
"I know it isn't much, but it's all they had," he apologizes handing them over to Deeks.
"Don't worry, it's perfect," he smiles back and greedily take a huge bite from the sandwich.
"Do you think she'll mind that I am eating a sandwich while she will have to settle for the hospital jello?" he asks with his mouth half full.
Callen shakes his head smiling. "I don't think so man. After all you did cross half the world to save her life."
"At what cost though," Deeks thinks but he doesn't verbally express the words.
He can't hide from Callen though. He can see right through his carefree mask. "How are you handling this?"
Deeks swallows his bite and shrugs his shoulders. "I don't know! To be honest with you, I am not ready to talk about it yet."
"Don't do this Deeks. Don't shove your feelings under the carpet. In a few hours Kensi is going to wake up and she will need you by her side. You won't be able to help her unless you deal with your own emotions first."
"Listen, I know I made the right call. But you have to understand that despite all, he was my brother. It might take me some time to get over it."
"I do understand," Callen nods. "But you have to realize you are not alone in this. We are here to help you walk out of this darkness that's obviously consuming you. Not long ago, Kensi helped you find yourself. Now it's your turn to return the favor."
"I am not going to let her down, if that's what you fear," Deeks says kind of offended.
"I know you won't," Callen seems certain. "Sam and I are heading back to the base. The doctor said that with the appropriate medical support we can take home as soon as possible. I've already talked to Hetty and she is having a jet come and pick is up."
"So it's true then. It's over. We are going home!" Deeks exclaims in joy.
"Yes! Give her our love once she wakes up. We'll be back in a few hours.
Callen exits the room leaving behind a clearly excited Deeks. To be honest, he is excited and scared at the same time. He remembers how lost he was after his personal ordeal and fears that was just the tip of the iceberg compared to what Kensi must be feeling right now.
For sure she is strong- possibly the strongest, bravest woman he has ever met – but even the hardest of rocks can shutter into pieces. Even the strongest metals can melt down.
She will try and shut him out. He knows she will. But he is known for his stubbornness and he is not willing to give up on her.
She flew all the way to New York to get him his favorite Cronut. He is insane enough toll fly to Mexico just to get her an original burrito. To France for a fresh Spain for a rich Greece for a traditional China for her favorite Dongpo Pork.
Anything she asks, he is willing to deliver because he simply wants to make her happy.
Without realizing it, he dozes off right on the chair and wakes up two hours later at the sound of Kensi's soft moan.
He gets up quickly and rushes to her side. She seems to be fighting the anesthetics as her eyes struggle to open.
"Kens? Can you hear me?" he removes a lock of her hair from her face softly rubbing her cheek.
She unconsciously tires to shift her body but the pain makes her face stiffen.
"Hey…hey relax. I am here," he gently holds her hand. "Can you hear me?"
It's disturbing seeing her fight for control over her own body. He wants to help her; Kiss away her pain, but he doesn't know how.
Finally, she opens her eyes, those mismatching eyes he had missed so much. "Welcome back," he smiles at her.
To his surprise though, the look she gives back to him is not the loving look he expected. It's filled with terror and uncertainty.
With one sudden move she shoves away his hand and gasps in fear.
"Get away from me," she tries to yell but her voice is faint.
"Kens, it's me, calm down," he reaches for her hand again but she draws back almost falling off the bed.
"I said stay away from me," she warns him again dead serious.
Before his mind has time to process what is happening, the door opens and in walks the doctor accompanied by two nurses.
"What happened?" the doctor asks confused making his way to Kensi.
Deeks moves out of their way and runs his hands through his hair. "I don't know. She just woke up but she doesn't seem to know who I am."
"I know who you are," Kensi snaps at him. "You shot me! You tried to kill me. Call security and have this man arrested," she orders the doctor.
"Kens it's me, Deeks!" he makes a step forward but Kensi raises her hand in defense.
"Don't come any closer. I am telling you this man shot me, please call my security now,"she pleads again.
But the doctor and nurses don't seem to pay any attention to her delirium. Instead, they take her by surprise and inject her with a mild sedative.
"What are you doing?" she yells at them. "Aren't you listening to me? This man tried to kill me…."
Her voice fades away as the sedatives run though her system and she lays back on the bed again.
"Do you remember your name?"the doctor asks.
Kensi remains silent for a second, her eyes struggling to remain open.
"Kensi Blye," she finally manages to whisper.
"What about this man?" he points to Deeks. "Do you know his name?"
Kensi glares at him one last time before giving up. "No!" is all she is able to say before drifting off.
Deeks stares at her in complete shock and then turns his attention to the doctor.
"What the hell just happened?"