Hello there! Thank you so much for the huge amount of support you have given so far; I'm still shocked by the response that this story has received. I'm so sorry that this has taken so long, it's been manic here and this chapter has turned into an essay! Huge shout-out to Lipush, who after checking over the Hebrew words that have been used in this story, then proof-read this chapter and shared with me three absolutely beautiful lullabies and the words both in Hebrew and in English. You have inspired me and thank you for giving me permission to include the 'Bo'i Ima' lullaby in this chapter. It's the most beautiful song. Thank you to the 2 people who voted in my poll and for those of you who told me via reviews or PM's about Tali's name. It's still open as there's not an overall majority, but I may have an idea about her name… :) Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! Please see the end of this chapter for thanks and replies to guests :)
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Wednesday 25th May 2016, Parisian Apartment, France, 8pm
"We need to talk."
Tony stood there in the middle of the living room, just a short distance away from the bedroom door. He had his arms folded across his chest. He needed answers. Ziva stood opposite him, not backing down from his gaze. While she knew that the "honeymoon period" was over and that this was not going to be an easy discussion, Ziva knew that she'd messed up a lot and now she needed to face the consequences of her actions. She'd spent the last 3 years running and hiding from her past and now it had come back to bite her. Of course it would. It made her think back to what she had told Farid Bawali, the Lebanese father who had tried to come to America with his family…
"You cannot run away from your past. It always catches up."
Ziva shuddered at that reminder, but she knew that her past self was right. She should have known 3 years ago that distancing herself wasn't going to change much. It wouldn't change who she was. She would always be Ziva David: the former director Eli's daughter; part of Mossad; an NCIS agent; someone with a constant target on their back. But she could still help to change things for their daughter, starting by facing Tony DiNozzo, the man whom she loved with all her heart and had pushed away to try to protect. A lot of good that did. She took a deep breath in and exhaled quietly, trying to prepare herself for finally explaining the truth to Tony. He deserved nothing less. "Yes, I believe that I owe you an explanation."
"Huh." Tony couldn't help but scoff slightly at that. "Well that's an understatement. You owe me several now, in fact." He was pushing his hand further into his trouser pockets, trying to calm himself down a little. He knew that he had every right to be angry right now, but he also needed to get through this much-needed, long overdue talk. Ziva nodded her head slightly in agreement with him, clasping her hands out together in front of her. Though it was the right thing to do, this was still not easy. Then again, when was anything ever easy between the two of them?
Without another word, Tony made his way over to the couch, placing himself at the far-left-hand side of the sofa and crossing his arms. This wasn't going to be an easy conversation between two old partners who were just catching up. This was going to be so much more than that. This was about the truth. And while Tony now knew most of what had transpired over the last few years for his former partner, he needed to hear the events from Ziva herself. He looked up at her, expectedly, waiting for her move.
The "your move" look that Tony was sending her way instantly brought Ziva back to a conversation she'd had with Abby soon after they'd rescued her from Somalia. "This is your move. And it better be a good one." She was right. Abby had been right then and she was right again now. Ziva moved over to the other side of the room, sitting at the opposite end of the sofa to Tony, leaving a large gap in between the two of them. Both of them couldn't help but notice how much that symbolised where their relationship was to each other at that moment in time. Torn. Separated. Broken. Beyond repair? Only time would tell. And revealing the truth couldn't hurt, either. Could it?
The two of them just sat there for a while, not quite looking at each other just yet. Neither of them could have seen this coming. This did feel a little strange, though. Most of their important, game-changing conversations had taken place in the NCIS elevator or in the men's room. The last time they'd had a conversation on the sofa was back when Tony had just found Ziva in Israel and he'd explained how he'd managed to track her down. How much had changed since then. And yet, so many things remained the same. He'd still managed to find her, again. Except this time, Ziva didn't need to ask how he'd found her. She already knew. But she hadn't wanted him to. "I did not want you to find me, and yet you did." He was in danger now. Tali was in danger now. And yet again, it was her fault. "You should not have come. You should have left me alone."
All the while, the silence had continued to stretch out, spreading its way across the entire length of the room, making the atmosphere even more tense than it had been while they were eating dinner. With the living room windows still wide open, they could hear the busy traffic whizzing about; people hustling and bustling on their way to and from the market; tourists trying to flag down a taxi and make pretty terrible attempts at speaking French. This was getting them nowhere. Ziva couldn't take it anymore and she turned to face Tony, folding her right leg underneath her. After a few moments, Tony turned his head so that their eyes now met.
"Fire away."
Tony just sat there for a moment, looking at her with a blank expression. Trust her to start getting the idioms right after she'd left America! Ziva didn't know whether he was going to scream at her or begin a disappointed speech. In all honestly, she wasn't sure which one would be worse right now. Even Tony himself didn't know how he was going to react to this. There was so much that he needed to know, so many questions that he needed to ask, yet he didn't know where to start. There really was no right place. So instead, he pulled out a piece of paper from his top left pocket and placed it on the middle seat of the sofa in front of him, almost like how he had shared this with Orli.
After sending a questioning, confused stare first towards the paper and then back at Tony, Ziva cautiously reached forwards and took the mysterious sheet into her hands, staring at it for a few seconds. Apprehensively, Ziva unfolded the piece of paper and began to read through his list:
DiNozzo's reasons why Ziva's still alive:
1. They haven't found a body. Ziva wasn't in the building so there was no body to find.
2. We never saw a survivor being pulled from the house. There was no survivor – Tali wasn't there.
3. Don't believe what you're told. Always double check. Checked out ideas in Israel and with Orli.
4. Where's the smell of smoke? The go-bag wasn't in the fire.
5. No bruises, cuts, burns. Tali was safe at Orli's house.
6. She would have known. Confirmed. My ninja did know.
7. Tali was so far from Ziva in the house. Unconfirmed. Highly doubtful.
8. Kelev. Was with Tali at Orli's house.
9. Ziva's scarf. Tali's favourite. Clue to Israel.
10. Paris. Again, Tali's favourite. Our mission. Apartment?
11. Trent Kort. Tipped off.
As she was reading Tony's words, Ziva could feel his pain, his agony, bouncing off the page. She could feel how much he'd been hurt by all of this. Her mind was spinning; she didn't quite know what to think. She was surprised at the lengths that Tony had gone to in order to find her after what she'd done, but she had a sneaking suspicion that he'd done so mainly for Tali. After everything that you have put him through, can you blame him? If I were him, I wouldn't want anything to do with me ever again. But still, even after 3 years, he knew me well enough to question the situation. Rule 3. He knew that I was still alive. He knew where I'd be. Hold on, he went back to Israel? He spoke with Orli there? I guess that explains how my suitcase ended up in the living room. Guilt began to eat away at her. She hadn't expected Tony's actions; she'd just wanted Tali to be safe. There was no one else she would have even considered sending their daughter to –
"So, we have a daughter together now, do we?"
Ziva's jumped at the sudden sound from within the apartment and her head shot up from the piece of paper in her hands.
"I mean, I know we shared a very fond farewell back in Israel, but wow. Can't say I was expecting that."
Feeling ashamed at her actions, Ziva looked down at her hands and began to pick her at her nails nervously. Ah ah ah, NO. Look at him. Don't be such a coward. This is your mess; you cannot hide away from this anymore. Face it and move forwards. She moved her gaze back so that she was looking directly at Tony again. "Yes, Tali is your daughter, Tony. There was nobody else. There was never anybody else. Tali is definitely yours."
"I know…. I know." Ziva looked curiously at him. "Orli already explained that to me, but you can tell by her eyes. She has my eyes."
Ziva smiled at him sadly. "Yes she does. She looks a lot like you; acts a lot like you too."
Raising his eyebrows in slight disbelief, Tony scoffed and looked away from her to face the wall in front of him instead. "Yeah, well it's only been a week for me, I wouldn't know too much about that."
Ziva winced a bit internally. What he was saying was absolutely right and totally justified, but it still hurt to hear. "Tony, I –"
Shooting back round to see her, Tony shook his head in anger and moved his arms to his sides, touching the seat of the sofa. "No… no. Why didn't you tell me? No wait, better question, how could you not tell me? How could you not tell me that I'm a father; that we created a child together? I'm a father, I'm her father and you didn't even bother to tell me?! You didn't give me a say in being involved in her life!". With his words, Tony was waving his hands in front of him, emphasising his anger at the situation.
"I wanted to tell you, Tony, I just didn't know how or even where to begin. I didn't know how you would take this…" Tony gave her a wide-eyed expression.
"Oh, well you only had two years to figure that out. To figure out that yeah, okay, I would have been mad to begin with. But I would have been glad that you'd told me and we could have worked past that. But now I don't know, Ziva. I guess you never did really know me. And maybe I never really knew you either. Because the woman I remember would have had the guts to tell me."
That really got to Ziva. While she had tried to change over the last few years, her loss of self-confidence had resulted in her losing a lot of her gutsiness, something that she wished she'd retained. "You are right. I should have told you sooner. That is the one thing that I regret the most. I know that I messed up, Tony. I am so sorry. I know that won't change anything, but I am sorry. As Tali got older, I realised more and more how I should have told you the truth from the start."
"So why didn't you?" Ziva opened her mouth to begin to explain her side of the story, but Tony wasn't quite finished just yet. "Yes I know that your pregnancy was complicated and you didn't want to chance anything, but Tali's nearly 2 years old now, Ziva! You've had plenty of time."
Ziva went quiet and stared out of the window for a while, gathering her thoughts. Stop staring out there, that is not going to help you. You will not find your answers out of the window! Tell him the truth. "I knew that you wouldn't be pleased. I just didn't know how to tell you. What was I supposed to say? Hi Tony, I know that it's been a while, but do you remember when you found me in Israel? Well, we have a daughter together now, surprise!"
Tony had had enough now. He shot up from his seat like a rocket, so fast that you could have blinked and missed it. Ziva jumped, taken aback by his sudden action. "Yeah well that would have been a hell of a lot better than this mess, Ziva. At least that would have involved you telling me. Instead I had to find out from Orli of all people, in Vance's office, the day after your supposed death, that you had been hiding our child from me! Can you blame me for being beyond angry with you right now?! Because thanks to you, that's two years wasted. TWO. WHOLE. YEARS. I've missed two whole years of Tali's life. My own daughter. There's so many things that I've missed out on. Her birth; her first word; first steps – everything! Do you realise that? All those little milestones I never got to experience. I will never get that back, Ziva. That's on you."
Like Tony had done, Ziva now also jumped up from the sofa. They were completely facing each other now, enormous amounts of hurt and anger radiating off of the pair. "You think that I don't know that?! I never wanted to keep you two apart. I wanted to tell you about Tali, you are right, you should not have had to find out from Orli. But do you really think that I wanted this? That I wanted Tali to grow up without her father?!"
"I don't know what to think right now. I've spent the best part of this last week trying to figure that out. I would have thought that because you knew what it's like to grow up without a parent, that you would have wanted Tali to know differently. To have both of her parents in her life. But instead she has only just met me and she was almost motherless a week ago!"
Ziva didn't even want to contemplate that last statement. "Of course I wanted things to be different for Tali!"
"You had a funny way of showing it!"
The conversation paused for a split second. Ziva needed Tony to understand. "Tony, this was never meant to spite you. I did not want our daughter to grow up without knowing you, but…"
At her hesitation, Tony indicated towards her with his hands. "Well, please, go ahead. Explain."
Ziva hesitated again. Focus, breathe, pull yourself together. If you hesitate, he will think that you are lying to him. Ziva breathed in, breathed out and then answered. "About 2 months after you left, I found out that I was pregnant. I panicked, alright. I did not know what to say to you. I had just asked you to leave, how could I then I ask you to drop everything and fly half way around the world again? You had just spent months tracking me down, I wanted you to have your life, not live mine."
She didn't get it. Ziva was his life. She had been his life. I deserved to have the choice. And it would have been the easiest decision of my life. "So, what, you could tell your aunt and Orli, but you couldn't tell me! I thought that the post-elevator us was all about us finally being honest with each other. I should have been there, Ziva. I would have gone with you to all the hospital appointments. I would have been there to help you with the morning sickness. I would have gone out and gotten you falafel or whatever you were craving at 2am."
The guilt was rising in her now; Ziva could feel herself turning bright red with embarrassment; she looked back down at her clasped hands. The silence carried on between them, returning to the room yet again until Tony thought of something else that he needed to know.
"Did Adam know?"
Ziva's head quickly darted back up to face him. "What?!"
"Well, he told us he'd last seen you about a year ago. So much for letting go of old ties by the way. Did he know about Tali? That I was her father?"
Shaking her head, Ziva calmly replied. "No, he did not."
"Oh, no you're right. It would have been better actually that he didn't know. I wonder how he would have felt knowing that we'd had a child together. Would he still have been interested in you?"
The anger had returned now. "Excuse me?! How dare you! Despite what happened after my father's funeral, I have no interest in Adam whatsoever. And the reason why he doesn't know about Tali is because it was none of his business! There are only four people in Israel who know about Tali: Orli, Nettie, Shmeil and Nettie's friend who is a doctor. She was not hidden because I am ashamed of her OR you, but it was to keep her safe! So no one could use her to get to us."
"US! You keep talking about "us", but you seem to have made most of these decisions for us! I have just as much right to be in her life as you do. You had no right to keep her away from me! Did you even think about how I would feel about this?"
"Of course I did! Can't you see that? I did this to protect you, Tony. Both of you."
"Yeah, some protection you gave us. So it was better that our 2-year-old daughter was left to believe that her mother was dead? Huh! It was better that the only things she had to remember you by were your scarf, our Paris photo and your old necklace that she hasn't taken off since she first put it on a week ago? I saw your reaction, Ziva. You struggled to get through a week without Tali in your life. Imagine if someone had kept her away from you for 2 years? How would you feel if I had kept her away from you?"
Not even wanting to consider that for a moment, Ziva brought her hands up to cover her face, trying to hide the streams of tears which were now quickly flowing from her eyes. She turned around now so that she was facing the door, the easy escape route from this conversation and situation. Ziva took a few steps towards the door, needing to calm down. She used her steps to try to calm her breathing. Regaining herself a bit, she turned back around to face Tony, the tear tracks still present on her face.
"You weren't supposed to come after me again! I sent Tali to you to keep her safe, now both of you are in danger yet again!"
"What and this is MY fault, cos I brought her here? Are you seriously blaming me for this?"
"No, this is my fault! It is my past, my actions that put you all in danger time and time again. Why do you think I left 3 years ago? I was fed up of my family being hurt because of me. You all got hurt because of my past with Ari, my father, Rivkin, Bodnar, me! I cannot change who I was, who I am, what I have done. It was better for everyone that I kept myself away from all of you. It was better that you all thought that I was dead, so that you could all be safe from me for once!"
"Oh really? How was this situation fair on Tali? On Nettie? On Gibbs? On my father? On me? You really think that any of us were okay with your death? Hell, Ziva, Kort is dead now because we all assumed that he killed you! I know that he got what was coming to him, but still! You didn't see Tali this past week, crying out for you, waking up from nightmares! You didn't see your aunt's expression when we stayed with her; the pain on her face that she'd lost her niece. You didn't see how McGee, Abby and my father broke down in my house while trying to console me. How Vance broke down in the bullpen trying to tell the team. How I broke down and screamed at Gibbs in the bullpen. You tell me now that it was better for us!"
From the mention of Tali's nightmare, Ziva's face crumpled even more. Oh Tali, my baby. I'm so sorry, I didn't want you to get hurt because of me. Ziva chocked on sobs as she began to speak again. "I never wanted this! I never wanted you to get tied in with me again. I am poison. I wanted all of you safe and away from me. I did not think that you would all react that way. I did not want to pretend to be dead, but I knew that if I was still alive, Kort would keep coming after me. And then he would target you and Tali to get to me! If I was dead, he would move on and leave you both alone."
"And yet for two years you kept Tali with you? If you're so bad to be around, why did you keep our daughter with you?" Ziva didn't know how to respond to that. Why did I not think of that? Was I really putting Tali in danger keeping her with me?
"Exactly. Come on Ziva, haven't you figured it out yet? The whole world does not revolve around you! You are not responsible for every death and every bad thing that happens! You are not the only person who has had their past come back to haunt them. Look at Gibbs. Pedro Hernandez. When Ducky was accused of war crimes. Jeanne Benoit. We all have skeletons in the closet. We may not have seen or even heard from you in 3 years, but you're still family. We may not have agreed with your choice to stay in Israel or how you went about it, but we respected your decision nonetheless. We all knew you'd been through a lot in your life and that you needed a fresh start away from the gun and the badge. But we would have been there in a heartbeat if you'd asked. But I guess you didn't feel the same about us. Did you really make a clean break? Did you even bother to find out about what was happening with us? Or was it easier if you buried your head and pretended that none of us even existed? I mean that approach sure as hell worked for some people!" Ziva looked confused at that, but Tony wasn't about to go into that now. This wasn't about how the team had reacted to Ziva leaving, that could be dealt with later.
"Did you know that Gibbs' dad died nearly 2 years ago? Or that Gibbs was shot by a kid and had to undergo surgery? Or that Delilah, you remember, McGee's girlfriend, was left paralysed by a drone strike? Or that Diane, you know, the woman who married both Gibbs and Fornell, died after she took a bullet to the head while on a rooftop, just like Kate? And that the culprit we have to thank for that was none other than Ari's old pal, Sergei Mishnev?"
Ziva couldn't believe what she was hearing. Did I really miss that much? What… how could these things have happened? How could I not know? Wait a minute – Sergei?! I knew that he was causing trouble, but why go after Diane… Gibbs! Sergei must have still thought that he killed Ari! Diane is dead because of me! She stumbled backwards and sat back down on the sofa, placing her hands at her sides, staring at the wall in front of her in shock. Her eyes closed tight shut, her breathing quickened and she gripped onto the seat to calm down a little. Why can my past not just leave everyone alone!
Tony looked a bit confused and taken aback by her actions. Had she really not known? "You didn't know? You never asked about us? Never heard anything on the news; in the market; from Orli?"
With a slightly shocked expression on her face, Ziva turned her gaze back to Tony. "I did. And I knew about some things. I thought that I knew what you were doing, how you were doing. I knew about your girlfriend, Zoe? I knew that McGee was still with Delilah but not that she had been paralysed. I knew that Jimmy and Breena had a baby girl, Victoria, named after Ducky's mother. I asked Orli. She would give me an update during our weekly talks. But it appears that she failed to mention some things…" Ziva drifted off and Tony could see her anger.
"Yeah, that must be pretty irritating, huh? People hiding things from you?!" Ziva winced again. She should have seen that coming. Karma had come around to bite her. And once again, the creepy silence had returned to the room. That was getting annoying now.
"Within 24 hours, you were dead and I'd gained Tali. Do you have any idea what it was like, thinking that you were dead? That's the second time that's happened now Ziva! First Somalia, then this. This better not happen again, I can't take anymore of thinking that you're dead. You don't know what that's like – "
"What?! Okay then, what about when your car was blown up? Me and Tim and Gibbs and Jenny had to watch YOUR car explode into a ball of flames in MTAC! And then we had to go to the sight and see what could have been your remains in the car! Ducky almost had to autopsy you! And all that time, I'd known that you were in trouble. I had this bad feeling that you were in danger and I'd never got to tell you that I…" Ziva trailed off their, catching herself. Not now, it's not the right time to tell him. There's no way he feels the same after everything that has happened. "Now you tell me that I don't know what that's like!" At that, Tony rubbed the back of his neck with his right hand. Okay, maybe she does know. But I'm fed up of losing her like that.
However, that memory made Ziva remember one thing. "What about NCIS? Your job?"
Tony looked back at her sharply, a bit surprised at that question. He certainly hadn't expected her to ask that in this conversation. Shaking his head at her, he answered. "That really doesn't matter right now."
"No, Tony. It does matter. What are you going to do about work?"
"I quit."
BAM. She was shocked. Ziva couldn't believe it. Her mouth fell wide open in disbelief. "You… you did what?!"
"I quit."
Ziva dropped her head into her hands. How could he do that? How could he give up his life like that? "You see; this is exactly why I did not tell you."
Are you kidding me?! Tony looked at Ziva like she was insane, craning his neck forward. What did she just say? "Excuse me?"
Standing back up again now, Ziva placed herself so that she and Tony were practically face-to-face. "I knew that if I told you that I was pregnant, if I'd have told you about Tali then you would have dropped everything and got on the next flight back to Israel. I knew that you would have wanted to be involved in our daughter's life, no matter what. But that would have torn you away from your life: your family, the team, NCIS. I was not going to be the one to make you give all of that up."
"That wasn't your decision to make! I'm a big boy, I can choose for myself thank you very much!"
"I wasn't trying to choose for you! That wasn't what this was about! I wanted you to live your own life, instead of being tied down. I was always going to tell you about Tali and she's always known about you."
"And that's supposed to make everything better now, is it?"
But before Ziva could reply, a noise echoed through the apartment. A small whimper came from inside the bedroom. Tony and Ziva turned their heads around to face the direction of the sound. The silence returned again, but this time the awkwardness was gone. That had now been replaced with concern and worry. The whimpering came back again now, growing in volume. They could now hear the sounds of their little girl crying in her sleep, calling out now. "Ima… Ima… Abba…"
Ziva and Tony instantly rushed to her aid, leaving their argument and differences behind for the moment. Their daughter was in distress and she was so much more important to both of them.
Quickly moving through the master bedroom to reach the second bedroom, the pair stopped suddenly at the doorway, looking at their little girl lying in her bed. Tali had wrapped herself up tightly in the bedsheets, tossing and turning in her fitful sleep while bunching the covers up within her small hands.
Not wanting this to go on any longer, Ziva snapped out of her stupor and moved across the bedroom to reach her little girl. She crouched down beside the bed and gently began to try to coax her daughter awake, stroking her arm softly. "Tali… Tali…"
"IMA!" Tali sat straight upright, beads of sweat trickling down her face. At her sudden movement, Tony and Ziva both jumped back in shock, but soon recovered and focused on their little girl. She was breathing heavily, still shaking off the ghosts of her nightmare. After searching madly around the room with her eyes, Tali came to locate her Abba standing by the door and her Ima who was kneeling down next to her. "IMA!" Tali instantly launched herself into Ziva's embrace, clinging tightly as if afraid that her mother would disappear from her sight again. Still shaken up from her nightmare, in which her mother and father had been ripped away from her and she had been left all alone, Tali burst into a fit of tears and cried out.
Ziva's heart plummeted into her stomach. She'd never wanted this to happen. She wanted to protect Tali at all costs but she could see clearly that her daughter had been hurt by her anyway. There was only one thing that could calm Tali done and try to coax her into sleeping. It had certainly worked when she had begun teething and it was certainly worth a shot now. So Ziva opened her mouth and began to sing their favourite lullaby (A/N: I recommend that you listen to the 'Bo'i ima' lullaby as you read or before or after you read the lyrics):
Kol ha'or mizman halach lo (All light has gone away)
Al telchi pit'om gam at (Don't you leave me, too)
Bo'i ima, bo'i ima (Come, mommy... come, mommy)
bo'i shvi iti me'at (Come and sit with me for a while)
Ba'etzim makeh haru'ach (The wind strikes the trees)
veyadaich ko chamot (But your hands are so warm)
Al telchi! sapri li, ima (Please don't leave! tell me, mommy)
eich ba'im hachalomot? (how do dreams come to us?)
Im pit'om mal'ach yofi'a (If an angel will suddenly appear)
el chadri yavo bil'at (to my room will enter quietly)
Bo'i ima, bo'i ima (come, mommy... come, mommy)
vetir'i oto gam at (come and see it, too)
Lo, eini poched bachoshech (No, I'm not scared of the dark)
ve'eini ro'ed bich'lal (I'm not at all shivering)
Bo'i ima, bo'i ima (Come, mommy... come, mommy)
shvi iti ad she'egdal (sit with me till I grow up)
Bo'i ima, bo'i ima (come, mommy... come, mommy)
shvi iti ad she'egdal (sit with me till I grow up)
By the end of the lullaby, Tali had fallen asleep against her in her mother's arms. Ziva realised that she could no longer hear her daughter's cries and looked down to see the now much more peaceful expression that she currently held on her face in her sleep, which was also marred with the tear tracks that were beginning to dry against her skin. Ziva began to stroke Tali's cheek softly to clear away the remains of her tears while she brushed some of the little curls out of her face with her other hand. All the while, she could begin to feel her own body shake. Tony was right about her having nightmares. I never want to see that ever again. That pain.
In the end, the overwhelming guilt and the emotional pain just became too much and Ziva burst into sobs. The dam had been broken now and she was an absolute state at the moment. While she'd tried so hard to protect Tali, she'd still ended up hurting her little girl, their little girl. Once again, someone that she cared about and loved had been hurt because of her. The ones who get too close always get hurt. She felt like a failure as a mother.
Needing the reassuring comfort of her daughter and to feel her close beside her, Ziva shifted them both so that she could lay down beside Tali and wrap her up into her arms. Her body continued to be wracked with sobs as she stroked her daughter's short curls. Ziva began to murmur inconsolably to the young girl in her arms. "Tali, Ani kol kach mitzta'eret Ktana Sheli. Hit'gaa'gati elayich kol-kach. Le'olam lo e'ezov otach shuv." She kept repeating these phrases over and over again, as if she needed to not only reassure Tali, but also herself. "Af pa'am lo ratziti lifgo'a bach."
From the doorway, Tony watched as Ziva cried herself to sleep while hugging their daughter close. While he was still extremely angry with her, he couldn't help but feel chocked up by the scene in front of him. Tony saw then that Ziva truly had wanted to keep Tali safe and that she hadn't meant to hurt her in all of this. Slowly, he closed the door so that neither would be woken up from the noise and made his way over to the bed in the master bedroom. He had a feeling that he wasn't going to sleep much tonight…
A/N: Woah…so…yeah. I guess Tony had a lot to say. Ahh, I really hope that this was alright. We should see some flashbacks of the last 3 years coming up soon and hopefully get some more answers. Thank you so much for reading, you amazing people! Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed!
Translations:
Ktana Sheli: My little one
Hit'gaa'gati elayich kol-kach: I missed you so much
Le'olam lo e'ezov otach shuv: I will never let you go again
Ani kol kach mitzta'eret: I am so sorry.
Af pa'am lo ratziti lifgo'a bach: I never wanted to hurt you.
Chickie10016: Thank you so much for your reviews! That's alright, don't be sorry :D Don't worry, I've posted guest reviews before and they haven't appeared or not gone up straight away, I dunno! Thank you for your lovely comments, I really hope that I can make this story a good read (think the fans of Tony and Ziva deserve it after all these years!). Wow! Thank you! Yes, I am just totally humbled and so surprised at the response that this story has had. It's so strange and hard to explain. Both as a writer and as a teacher, I want to be an inspiration but I don't think of myself as one, if that even makes sense? Definitely the best thing about FF writing for me is getting to share my love of the Tony and Ziva characters and getting to engage with such awesome people such as yourself. And getting to work with other FF writers :) Thank you so much! You're right, this defo feels like the hardest part but I really hope that this does feel authentic. Yeah, as much as I want and love Tiva, I can't see Tony forgiving Ziva straight away so it would feel weird to write lots of sweet scenes for them atm. Wow, thank you! I love, read and respond to every comment. You guys give amazing advice, encouragement and much needed self-belief (it's very up and down for me right now). I would love to inspire you guys but you guys all really inspire me. I am proud and amazed by your responses. Haha yeah writing does take up time, but it's keeping me busy which is very good. It's also helping me to see that I can be creative. But the biggest reward is getting to engage with all of you. You give up your time to read this story and talk to me, and while that may not seem like much, it's priceless to me. Thank you :)
Debbie: Thank you so much for your review! Hehe oh yeah, there had to be some Tiva tension ;) Thank you so much, it's certainly a weird situation, I'm relieved that the emotions came across okay! Thank you I'm so glad that you liked the last line, it just felt like a good place to finish. I can just imagine the 'Poof', then adverts if this story was an actual ep! :)
Guest (Rule 51…): Thank you so much for your review! Yes I can definitely see Rule 51 making quite a few appearances… :D
Guest (Nah, Ziva never re-joined Mossad): Thank you so much for your review! Yeah I didn't think so. That would have been very interesting indeed. Ahh, yeah maybe she was; probably Orli and Nettie were emergency contacts as they needed to be people close to her who knew about Tali :)
Guest (You accidentally italicized…): Thank you so much for your review! *Gibbs-head-smacks-self*. Oh dear, I knew that I would make an italics mistake somewhere in that chapter! was being temperamental on the day that I uploaded so I had to upload the text and then re-edit everything in italics, bold and underline. Sorry about that. Thank you for spotting that error, at least one of us was paying attention! It's now been edited, thank you :D
Guest (Some Possible Tony/Ziva Argument Topics): Thank you so much for your review! 1. Oh yes, Ziva blames herself a lot about how it's her fault and her past that puts her family and friends in danger. That started after Somalia. She needs to see that she can't change the past, but she can and does deserve to be happy. While it's likely that she will face her past again in the near and distant future, she can't be responsible for the actions of others. Besides, we've seen the Pedro Hernandez case appear time and time again; we've seen Tony's past actions; Ducky's. It just comes with the job sometimes.
2. The maternal instinct will be for Ziva to protect Tali above anything. I love what you said about Tony arguing that she can't be a one-woman army! As Tony has said, Tali is THEIR daughter and they will have a better chance if they protect her together. After all, they are a great team :) 3. You were right! Tony mentioned here that Ziva's "death" destroyed him. This will also come up again in the next few chapter where they have some more calm discussions. And the BYD ep will certainly reappear soon as well… 4. Yes, exactly! I think that Ziva was starting to see the flaws in raising Tali alone, but she felt like it was best for Tony and Tali. Tony rightly feels that he should have had a say. Yeah, Ziva needed to hear that Tali could have been without a mum and she will feel so guilty as she only wanted to protect her.
5. Oh yeah, again his resignation will also be talked about again, more calmly next time :D They will both argue their cases strongly. 6. Yes, Ziva defo feels like they are at risk because of her. Yeah the I Will lists will be discussed soon… :)
Sara: Hello there! Thank you so much for your review! Hehe I'm so glad that you're enjoying this FF, I hope that this chapter and the rest of the story are also okay :D
Guest (If Deena becomes a villain…): Thank you so much for your review! Yeah Deena will make Ziva her main target, I'm not sure what she would do about Tali? I'm a bit worried really! She hasn't let her anger go. I agree, she would tell Tony to stay out of it, but with his protective nature, I don't think he would want Ziva or Tali hurt. As you said, it's his family, his business! :)
Guest (From the moment…): Thank you so much for your review! Ahh that line about her not believing in happy endings! Wanted to shake her and say "but you deserve a happy ending!". Yeah we knew she was in trouble but I didn't see that coming! Can't say I blame CdP! Yes, hopefully Tony will show her that she can be happy :)
Guest (I agree that we must…): Thank you so much for your review! I want to start flashbacks to what happened for Ziva over the last 3 years very soon. We need to see the story from her POV. Yeah, I would like to see some of her meetings with Orli and Nettie. I am just working out how to work Shmeil into this. Yes, I think that Orli will have been selective over what she has told Ziva… but I'd like to see some convos where she shared some info! Yes Ziva must have felt so many emotions when she found out she was pregnant (we will cover that!). I think that she will feel very guilty about what has happened while she was away. She must have felt so torn about sending Tali away and angry at Kort coming back to hurt her and her family. :)
Guest (Go ahead with the chapter title ideas): Thank you so much for your review! I like the chapter title names :D I like the whole Past is Prologue and one chapter for each of the 3 years I may have to come back to that (very soon)! :)
Guest (One of the funny moments): Thank you so much for your review! Hehe I would love to see Tali try to pronounce DiNozzo and say DiGiorno (I've never heard of that!). Think he would be so proud of her hehe :D 2. *Gibbs-slaps-self-again*! And this is why you check before you post haha, the name should now be correct in all chapters, thank you :)
Guest (My mistake and I was mistaken): Thank you so much for your reviews! Yeah both Jenny and Ducky said she was 8 so I'm guessing she was born 1983? Maybe it was a continuity error? I think she would get on well with Abby. I'd like to think her and Ziva would connect. I'd love to see Ducky psychoanalyse her!
Guest (Lines I would like to see translated): Thank you so much for your review! I really love those lines, I'd love to use those in later chapters, think they'd fit really well :)
Guest (Huh, it seems my outline suggestions to you got cut off somehow): Hi again! Don't worry I think there is a limit on FF! 7. Kelly would definitely be an interesting plot. Think it would be nice but weird for her to see how Gibbs is with the team. Ooh Maddie meeting Kelly again would be so interesting! Yeah I think Kelly would tell Gibbs if she had to save someone. 8. Yeah I can see Gibbs being like Papa bear and Kelly wanting to be treated like a grown up. Maybe she could renew her vows with Gibbs there this time? :)
Guest (Connie Fletcher would actually be a good adult Kelly Gibbs): Thank you so much for your review! Yes! I Googled her and she really does! She could scarily be their child! And she's like the same age, perfect :)
Guest (I bet when Ziva told Tali bed-time stories): Thank you so much for your review! Aww that would be so cute! Tony would be a great knight. I can imagine that Ziva read The Little Prince as well. 2. Yeah that would have been cute! I'll admit I struggled with the speech for the end of that chapter a bit :) 3. Aww Shmeil! He's very important. Ahh don't worry I left him out of earlier chapters intentionally. I just wanted to focus on Nettie, Tali, Tony and Orli. I know Tony said in S10 that Shmeil was starting
to show his age. He may not have wanted to stress him out (I dunno I'm still working it out!). He will be talked about soon though.
4. Hehe thank you! I can't see that happening but we can wish (gotta love that FF exists!). I'm planning to make this story maybe 20 chapters, I have no idea! I've got ideas for at least 5 more chapters. Thank you for your kind words! I'm really trying to do this justice and keep them in character. I want this to be an almost extension of the show where fans finally get a resolution. 5. I know! I would love to have seen Nettie on the show! I'm totally drawing a blank on who could play her and so is Lipush! I'd love to hear what anyone who is reading this thinks. 6. Yes! Thank you haha I'm so paranoid I've got like 3 spare copies of each chapter just in case. I'm so clumsy so I'm likely to break or lose something! :)
Guest (We've had Ziva-isms): Thank you so much for your review! Tali-isms! Cutest thing I've ever heard! 2. Yeah Orli mentioned that they reconciled. I think that they may have been getting there, and Ziva may have started to understand Orli's story. 3. I'm thinking that the threat could be someone that Ziva may know but someone that we haven't met yet? It's a work in progress! 4. Oh dear it is like Rivkin again! When will they learn :)
Guest (When Vance told the team): Thank you so much for your review! That's interesting, that could be another good one-shot. What if Vance had shared good news? Or news of Ziva in a hospital? 2. I know right! They may not have seen Ziva in 3 years but she meant a lot to them! The reactions were off, especially Gibbs! They just moved on so quickly! 3. That scene when Gibbs did that for Langer was very appropriate and fitting. Ziva should have been up there. Am I right in thinking that Franks was missing from that board? 4. Gibbs was very insistent, maybe too insistent? Maybe his gut was telling him she was alive but he didn't want to give Tony false hope? Or he knew something? 5. And THAT is what makes the fans TRUE NCIS agents! TRUE! The fans are amazing at picking things up. And we picked up that somethings were just off :)
Guest (If the team DOES somehow get informed): Thank you so much for your review! I'm toying around with how to deal with that, but the picture idea is genius! It's SO what Tiva would do, they love a good picture clue ;) Thank you for sharing what you think about Tali's name, I think I may have an idea… 3. Yeah NCIS could do with more females. Ooh Gina Carano could defo take that role on. Apart from Jenny, we don't see many females in leadership roles.
Guest (Chapter 10: A Very Awkward Family Dinner): Thank you so much for your review! Hehe, oh yes it was indeed :D
Guest (In order to make Tony understand): Thank you so much for your review! Yes we will be seeing a fair few flashbacks in the near future. Yes, we need to see Ziva's story. Rule #40, ooh! 2. Hehe don't worry, I think that Deena could be working her way into this FF…! HeheHheheh sjjjjj3. Tali the mini-ninja! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles anyone?! I can imagine McGee or Abby introducing her to Anime and Manga! 4. I would have loved to have seen Rivka. Ooh, now Damon would have really annoyed Tony if he'd come back! 5. No you're right, Tony's still trying to wrap his head around everything. I hope that you liked the lullaby she sang to Tali, I knew when I started this FF that I wanted to write this scene! 6. Aww that would be just too cute! 7. Oh yeah I would say that Ziva was upset! They'll get into that more soon… 8. Wow! Thank you so much! I really do hope that this story is realistic. I dunno if I'm good enough to write for a TV programme, think I'd annoy them for taking ages to write! But thank you, that truly means so much :) I hope that this chapter was long enough :D
Guest (Important Message to Author): Wow, you've got tons of ideas! I've saved your outlines on my computer :)
NCIS time-travel story: I can just imagine how the team would have reacted. It would be interesting to see how Ziva would have found out. It's nice to think that he would have been granted one last request (and now I'm singing Paolo Nutini!). Oh yeah we can't forget Fornell! That makes sense about Victoria and Tali; I would defo keep their names for the children born sooner. Haha oh yeah only Tony would time-travel and complain about the lack of HD TV's! I like the whole thing about each person thinking it's just them who travelled in time. It would be interesting if by preventing or altering events, do the team force a different, more deadly situation to occur? Like if Tony's old cop partner Danny wasn't killed, would someone else known by a member of the team take their place? Yeah I think they would need contingency plans! I'd like to see that talk between Jenny and Gibbs. I know Jenny's illness couldn't have been avoided. Would their NCIS cases be solved much quicker then?
Outline for the Kelly Gibbs return story: Wow, that 1st point gave me the creeps! They must have been so scared. This NIS director has a lot to answer for! I think was there an ep called Model Behaviour? About the supermodels. That's where Gibbs was shown on TV. It's a good way to start the memories returning. I love that she would marry a man who would serve his country and naming their daughter after Maddie. Hehe "Don't mess with mess, young lady!", a great line. Yeah it would take an event as big as the NCIS building explosion to bring back the memories. It would be interesting to see her watch Gibbs from the sidelines, knowing who he is, and how he acts around his co-workers who become his adopted family. :)
Guest (Is the Hebrew word for mother): Thank you so much for your review! Don't worry, I have consulted Lipush and asked her for her expertise. She said that the correct spellings are Ima and Abba :)
Guest (I'm sure that the author): Thank you so much for your review! Ahh I'm so sorry that this took forever to be uploaded, I really hope that this chapter was written okay and that it was worth the wait? I'm not sure if many things were answered in this chapter, but I want to answer more things soon, hopefully from the next chapter :)
Kel: Thank you so much for your review! I'm really glad that you're enjoying this FF, I hope that you like what is gonna happen :)
Stella: Thank you so much for all 3 of your reviews! OMG long time no speak I'm so sorry! I'm doing alright thank you, sorry this week has been manic and this chapter took forever to write haha! Thank you so much sweetie I hope that you are doing well, ugh you know me too well! I had a major block when I started this chapter, I had to look up some scripts of old eps for some flashback lines. Thank you so much for your lovely messages, you defo helped a lot! "TEAM ZIVA IS NOT DEAD" hehe. I'm so sorry about yet another cliff-hanger, for some reason they're fun to write but so annoying to read! Aww no don't worry about it, there's nothing to forgive :D Thank you so much for your super lovely comments and for being a super person :)
Sue Dooley: Thank you so much for your review! Tiva forever. Oh yes, the whole Zoe situation will need to be discussed soon. I know that Ziva told him to move on, but Zoe was just not right for him. It was so awkward to watch them together. Just no! Haha, yeah S11 Ep2 was pretty interesting to say the least, it was just so weird that after all that time, Ziva started to feel guilty about Ari then. Because of Deena? I just don't about that. I agree with you :)