A/T: Don't be disappointed by what's next guys! Trust me! I want nothing more than seeing our beloved couple happily together!
As always a huge thank you to all of you who follow/ favorite and review and of course to my girl Callen37 for her help!
Enjoy!
Deeks is forced to wait in the waiting area of the hospital for the third time in almost two days and he pacesd nervously up and down the room. He tries to understand what just happened but there is no logical explanation and his frantic train of thought was soon disturbed by Callen and Sam.
"We got your call, what happened?" Callen asks, the worry is evident in his voice.
"I don't know," Deeks sighs "One minute she is sleeping and the next one she is having a panic attack. She was yelling and shouting at me to stay away from her. I am not kidding, if she had a gun in her possession she would have shot me," any other day such comment would be considered comic relief, but not this time.
This time he is dead serious.
"Maybe she was still in shock and confused you with Max," Callen tries to justify this weird behavior.
"No!" Deeks shakes his head "It's like she didn't even recognize me. She didn't know my name."
"Amnesia?" Sam frowns his eyebrows.
"I don't think so," Deeks raises his hands and rests them on his head "I mean…..she knew who she was. She knew her own name."
They all try to put the pieces of the puzzle together but nothing seemed to fit and Deeks feels like he is losing his mind. Again! Just when he thought it was all over and they can finally go to – what's left – of their normal lives, he gets another kick in the face. He can't help but wonder if this is some kind of God's sadistic games.
Does he find pleasure in giving them hell?
No! Things could be worse.
He shouldn't be disrespectful.
Things could be worse, and they surely can get better.
All they have to do is think positive.
A few minutes go by and the doctor comes in at last.
"Is she ok?" Deeks hurries to him.
"It depends on how you define ok."
"With all due respect doctor, I am not in the mood for games," Deeks runs his hand through his messy hair.
"I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you," the doctor places his hand on Deeks shoulder for a moment "Agent Blye seems to suffer from Retrograde Amnesia."
"What….what the hell does that mean?" all three men look at the doctor confused.
"Your agent has been through a very traumatic experience which in addition to the several head injuries it has caused what we call Retrograde Amnesia. It is the loss of memories before the incident. In some cases the memory loss can extend back decades, while in others, the patient may lose only a few months or even days of memory," the doctor tries his best to describe the situation as simply as possible.
Deeks covers his eyes with his hand to hide his disappointment. "I've known Kensi for almost five years, but she didn't seem to remember me. Does this mean she's lost at least five years of her life?"
"I am afraid so. Anyway, you are her colleagues. You people know her better than anyone. You are the only people who can evaluate the extent of her memory loss."
"But…..but she remembered my face. Surely she didn't know my name, but she remembered my face. She remembers me standing in front of her less than 24 hours ago," Deeks desperately tries to hold on to some hope.
"She probably remembers your face because you were somehow linked to her threat, or her trauma. But that's it. Don't expect any more from her."
"Will her memory ever come back?" Deeks fears the answer.
"In time. It hasn't been scientifically proved that her memory can be recovered from simply re-exposing her to personal past experiences and intimate details. It can help, but fortunately, memory can be and usually is recovered due to spontaneous recovery. Like I said, it might take some time but you all need to be patient. She needs stability in her life and get accustomed to her reality as soon as possible."[GC1]
"Can we see her?" Deeks asks practically begging for a positive answer.
"Yes," the doctor smiles. "Please, try not to upset her. You can imagine how shocked she must be feeling."
Deeks sucked in a deep breath before all three men walk towards Kensi's room. He tries to find the right words to say to her, but his mind is blank.
During all these months he had dreamt of the day he would reunite with his partner; his girl. He used to close his eyes and picture her sleeping in his arms like she did that one night. That night when everything seemed perfect, but unfortunately time couldn't stand still.
This sci-fi scenario though, never crossed his mind. After dealing with potential abduction and death, amnesia had now taken the wheel of bad fortune.
His heart accelerated as they reached her room and slowly opened the door.
She was not laying on the bed anymore.
The back of the bed has been lifted up so that she could sit comfortably. During her previous outburst, she tore her IV line and blood was spilled all over the sheets. But now everything had been cleaned up. They had even put her in a new gown.
She stared at the window right opposite to her bed, but they doubted she was paying any attention to the scenery outside.
Her gaze is blank and lost. Her features are stiff; as if she is trying really hard to concentrate but she apparently fails as she shakes her head in utter frustration and defeat.
"Can we come in?" Callen softly asks through the half open door.
"Callen?" she exclaims, excited to finally hear a familiar voice "Yes, please come in."
She is overwhelmed by this flood of emotions. Relief, joy, fear, panic…..all at once.
Callen walks in, followed by Sam and a very reluctant Deeks.
He doesn't approach her bed.
He just stands still next to the door as he watches Kensi hugs in relief her two co-workers.
"I guess you remember us huh?" Sam jokes.
"How could I forget you guys. I spend more time around you than my own house," she smiles, but even that faint smile makes her bruised face hurt.
"I bet they have already informed you about our location, but do you remember why you're here?" Callen steps into recovery mode at once.
"We are in Afghanistan, that much I know. I can only assume we are working on a mission?" she asks hoping she got the right answer, and suddenly it feels like she is back in school giving an exam.
"You were on a mission, we are just here to help," Sam adds.
Then, she spotted Deeks at the corner of her eye and swallowed hard.
"What about him?" her eyes pointed towards his direction "Who is he?"
Callen turns and looks at Deeks. "That's your partner, Marty Deeks. Don't you remember him?"
She remains silent for a moment.
"I don't know. I think I remember his face pointing a gun at me, but then again, it feels like someone has put all of my memories in a blender and I don't know what's real and what's not. I can't even place them in the right chronological order."
Her voice cracks as she tries to hold back her tears. She may not remember yesterday, but she remembers who she is. A highly skilled agent who is always in control.
Right now though, she can't even control her own mind and it pisses her off. Suddenly, she feels unable to sustain this whole flood of emotions and she starts to shake.
Sam holds her hand and tries to calm her down "You are right. I don't know why you remember that, but you are right. He was pointing a gun, but not at you. He was aiming the terrorist that was holding you hostage. He saved you."
Kensi looks at Deeks in shock. "He saved me? But….I think I remember a gunshot…and….and I got a gunshot wound on my shoulder. I thought he….."
"No," Sam shakes his head "you were shot before we found you. Yes, Deeks took a shot but it was aimed at your captor. Not you!"
She doesn't know how to respond to this new information.
Well, basically everything sounds new right now. But she never pictured this shaggy man to be her partner. He is so…..different than the last partner she remembers or any other agents she has met for that matter. He hasn't got the looks of an NCIS Agent and he surely doesn't look like he belongs here in the war zone.
She takes out a deep breath "So, I guess I owe you an apology and a thank you," she addresses to Deeks.
For the first time since he walked into her room their eyes lock. He hopes his look will trigger something in her and will miraculously regain all her memories, but nothing. She just closes her eyes in appreciation and nodded.
Deeks doesn't show it, but that had felt like a dagger through his already bleeding heart. He bites his lip in a desperate attempt to hold back his tears and right now it seems it's working.
The woman who means the world to him can't even acknowledge who he is. She doesn't know how much of his own self he sacrificed to save her.
He needed her right now. He needed to hold her in his arms but his whole world is falling apart around him. Well, not yet. Kensi will give the final lethal strike with her next question.
"Where is Jack?" she asks frightened "he must be worried. Has anyone contacted him?"
All three men look at each other shocked. She remembers Jack? How is even that possible? She recalls Jack and her partnership with Callen and Sam, but not what happened in the meantime? It doesn't make sense.
Suddenly the knife plunges deeper into Deeks heart.
The awkward silence that surrounds the room triggers alarm bells in Kensi's mind and her eyes are suddenly filled with tears. "Please don't tell me he's…"
"Don't worry, he's fine," Callen answers before she has time to finish her sentence.
"Oh thank God," she sighs in relief.
"Actually," Deeks makes one step forward "he is here in Afghanistan."
Callen and Sam stare at him with doubt in their eyes.
What the hell is he doing?
"Really?" Kensi gives her first true smile since they all walked into the room.
"Yeah," Deeks rubs his neck nervously. "You know what.. I am going to call him right now and inform him that you are awake."
Callen shakes his head in disapproval. Why would he submit her to such a lie? By encouraging this utopia she still has in her head, he will only confuse her more.
Deeks walks out of the room and leans forward supporting his hands on his knees. This was a bad idea. This was a really bad idea and only now does he see it. But he couldn't break her heart. He didn't have the stomach to shatter her already damaged little world.
He is willing to do anything to keep her safe, happy and above all, sane. Even if that means throwing Kensi into the hands of his rival. Well, actually he doesn't consider Jack as a threat of any kind. He has made it clear that he is not interested at all in winning Kensi back. He cares about her. A part of him may even still love her, but not in a romantic way. Above all, he is in love with his job.
He takes three deep breaths to gather all his strength and takes out his phone dialing Jack's number.
After only two rings Jacks answers the call worried "Deeks? Is Kensi alright?"
He doesn't know how to answer to that.
"Deeks!" Jack raises his voice.
"Hmm….yeah, she is awake and fully functional…but listen….I need your help," his voice cracks.
"Anything. Just name it."
"We have a situation here, and I would really appreciated it if you came by," just saying these words break his heart.
"Ok, " Jack agrees but he is clearly confused. "I'll be there as fast as I can."
Deeks is once again trapped in the waiting area. He can't go back to that room. He can't bare Kensi treating him like a complete stranger.
There is only so much he can take, and right now he feels like he has reached his breaking point. Deep down he knows the guys are right. He should have told her the truth but it's too late now. There is no turning back.
Finally Jack arrives and walks frantically towards Deeks.
"What's wrong?"
Deeks doesn't get up from his chair. "We need to talk first. Sit down."
"Man, you are scaring me," Jacks sits on the chair right next to him.
"Kensi woke up and she is fine physically, but…" he pauses for a moment.
"But?"
"She has amnesia!"
Jack's jaw drops in shock.
"Calm down," Deeks raises his hand, "the doctor reassured us that it is only temporally, a side affect to her physical and emotional trauma."
"She doesn't remember anything?"
"No, she remembers quite a lot. She knows who she is and that she works for the NCIS….she remembered Callen and Sam…."
"But she doesn't remember you," Jack finishes the sentence.
"No," Deeks shakes his head and lookes at the floor trying to avoid eye contact. "But she remembers you!"
"What?" Jack exclaims in shock.
"She thinks you are still together."
"Please, tell me you told her the truth."
Deeks shakes his head in shame. "She is extremely vulnerable right now and needs to be surrounded by familiar faces and people she trusts. Maybe she'll feel safer around you."
Jack lays back on the chair. "This is not right. We shouldn't be lying to her. The sooner she gets accustomed to the truth the easier the transition to reality will be for her."
"Well, it is what it is now. Just play along with it. Will you?" Deeks says a bit frustrated.
"Fine," Jack gets up. "I'll play along, but that doesn't mean I approve."
They slowly walk back to Kensi's room and Deeks has already regretted his decision. He feels like he is playing her, lying to her face. But he can't think of a better plan. To her, he is a stranger. Someone who simply claims to be her co-worker. It was hard for her to open up to him when they were friends and partners. Now that he is just a face, it will be impossible.
The moment they open the door and Jack walks in, Kensi's face brightens and she effortlessly gives him a huge smile. That was the final blow for Deeks. This should have been her reaction to his presence. Not Jack's.
Jack moves close to the bed and as soon as he is in reaching distance, she grabs his t-shirt and pulls him close clinging on to him.
"Thank God you're here," she whispers close to his ear and bursts into tears of joy.
Deeks can't handle this anymore.
This is just too much.
The woman he loves is seeking comfort in another man's arms.
He thought he could do it, but he is not strong enough. This is not right. He can't breathe; he is suffocating and in immediate need of air. Without any warning he turns his back on everyone and practically runs outside.
Kensi doesn't even notice his absence as she is too preoccupied with Jack. Thankfully though, Callen and Sam – who had kept an eye on him during the whole time just in case – follow him outside.
They find him sitting on the floor with his back against the wall and his face buried in his hands. Callen and Sam share meaningful looks as they can only understand what his going through.
"Give her some time man," Sam lowers himself to his level "and remember, you were the one that brought him here."
"I know," he wipes the single tear off his face hoping that they didn't notice it. "I killed my own brother to save her, and she doesn't even remember me. Not in the slightest. She chose to remember this guy, who left her without any explanation on Christmas Day."
"She didn't choose to forget you. Don't blame her," Sam stands up again.
"I'm not blaming her," Deeks tried to keep his voice level even but his emotions are rapidly consuming him "I don't even know who to blame for this freaking mess. Should I blame Max, after all he is the reason we got sucked in this situation. Should I blame Hetty for authorizing her reassignment in the first place? Or better yet, should I blame myself? Because let's be honest. Hetty sent her here because of me! If I hadn't taken her out to dinner that night, we wouldn't have gone to my apartment and Hetty wouldn't be pissed at us."
Both Callen and Sam smirk as he finally admits spending that night with Kensi but he quickly picks up their wicked smile.
"Nothing happened guys. The fact that we spent the night together doesn't mean we actually…slept together….well….we did sleep together…..but not in the way you think we did….."
"Ok, we get it," Callen raises his hand begging him to stop "but you shouldn't be blaming yourself. I honestly doubt that Hetty made that call solely based on your….relationship status. Yes, she works in mysterious ways you have to admit, it's always for our best."
"Forgive me brother for having my doubts," Deeks leans his head back.
"Well, she did arrange a flight for us in 12 hours," Callen smiles hoping to cheer Deeks up.
"Really? Cause I'm tired, I just want to go home," he closes his eyes in defeat.
"We are all going home! And during the flight you will have all the time you want to charm her back into liking you."
Deeks can't help but smile. Perhaps Callen is right. Jack is staying here, there is no doubt about that.
But Kensi is going back with him and he hopes in a few days, she'll go back TO him as well!